Feeling Drained? You’re Probably Dealing With ‘Energy Leakage.’ Here’s What To Know.

Posted on 07/12/2022 by Boris Clair

When thinking about the ways you spend your energy, what comes to mind are likely the things that are commonly known as “draining” — work, commuting, running errands, the list goes on.

But there are smaller, everyday moments that can be just as depleting. Those are what Melissa Urban, the co-founder and CEO of Whole30 and New York Times bestselling author of “The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free,” calls “energy leakages.”

According to Urban, energy leakage — while not a clinical phrase — is “the invisible ways that we spend energy throughout the day that leaves us feeling drained.”

She noted that “every interaction you have, whether you’re meeting your mum for lunch or replying to a social media comment … is an energetic exchange and sometimes those exchanges can leave you feeling really invigorated and positive and restored … but, in other times … you just feel depleted, you feel anxious, you feel overwhelmed, you feel frustrated.”

In other words, interactions that result in energy leakage are those interactions that consume “more energy than they’re giving back,” Urban said.

So, if you are dealing with a friend who always treats you like a therapist or are getting upset when scrolling through photos of an ex, you may be dealing with energy leakage.

Here are some unexpected ways you’re draining your energy and what to do about it.

Your phone and social media are huge sources of energy leakage.

According to Urban, your phone and social media are major culprits of energy leakage. “It feels effortless to just lie in bed and scroll and post or leave a comment or follow comments down the rabbit hole,” she said but “that is an energetic exchange.”

And, most of the time, you are not getting any energy back after looking at social media — especially when you’re comparing your life to someone else’s on Instagram, checking a toxic social media account or reading hateful comments.

Think about it: Do you ever feel better after social media stalking? Probably not.

Kids can be draining, too.

As wonderful as they are, kids can be a reason for energy leakage, too, Urban said.

“Kids are needy, they need things all the time, and they don’t have the processing for you to be like, ‘Dude, I need a minute,’” she said.

When kids need something, they need something. And that’s OK (you can’t exactly tell a 4-year-old to make their own dinner), but there are ways you may be adding to this energy leak.

You may be expending extra energy on your child (like many parents can’t help but do) — for example, frequently checking in with your child when they’re quietly playing, or asking if they need a snack or water when they’re content, Urban noted. In the end, you’re putting more pressure on yourself in this moment when, really, your child is just fine.

Beyond kids, specific people in your life can be ‘energy vampires.’

“I think everyone knows what it feels like to leave a conversation with that person who is an ‘energy vampire,’” Urban said. “You just feel like they sucked all the life out of you.”

These could be colleagues who constantly complain to you about work or family members who need a lot of support (but don’t give any support back).

There’s probably someone in your life who fits the “energy vampire” mould; signs include leaving an interaction completely depleted or exhausted.

Urban noted that this can be especially tough for those who have people-pleasing tendencies. You may feel like it’s extra hard to deal with energy vampires because they just take and take and take.

Staying angry about things that should be left in the past is another culprit.

How many times have you been cut off in traffic and let it ruin your entire afternoon?

This, Urban said, is another major driver of energy leakage: “That’s energy you are spending on something that isn’t even real anymore” — it happened in the past.

The same goes for holding grudges along with anything that puts our energy in the past or future, she noted, so things like rehearsing disaster and negative self-talk, too.

Certain people in your life may unknowingly drain your energy.

Energy leakage is related to a feeling of mindlessness.

Alayna L. Park, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Oregon, told HuffPost that the concept of energy leakage reminds her of mindlessness — the opposite of the popular practice known as mindfulness, which she defined as “paying attention to the present moment.”

Mindlessness is what Park describes as going on autopilot.

“Going on autopilot isn’t always going to drain your energy,” but a lot of the reasons we experience energy leakage — checking our phones, scrolling social media, agreeing to an event you don’t want to attend — happen because our minds are on autopilot, she added.

“We’re just kind of going through our day without always having an intention in mind,” Park said, and that can be particularly damaging when it comes to activities that exhaust you.

There are ways to help combat this feeling.

“If you know you’re about to do something that’s draining, [give] yourself a small reward afterward,” Park said. This way, you’ll have something to look forward to during a draining activity or interaction.

The reward doesn’t have to be huge. It can be something simple like going for a short walk after a meeting with someone who drains your energy or rewarding yourself with a piece of chocolate after going through a situation that led to a feeling of energy leakage.

Park also suggested setting a timer for activities that lead to energy leakage. For example, if you want to scroll social media but know it depletes your energy, you can set a time limit so you won’t just be endlessly scrolling.

Or, if there’s someone in your life who depletes your energy (and you still have to see them … like a colleague, for example) you can limit your meetings with this person to 30 minutes and remind yourself that “I can do anything for 30 minutes, even if it’s unpleasant,” Park added.

But, how much time you need to restore your energy will vary.

Urban said it’s important to know where you draw your energy from — if you’re introverted (meaning you recharge from time alone) or extroverted (you gain energy from spending time with other people) — in terms of handling your energy leakage.

If you don’t know if you’re an introvert or extrovert, “you can use Susan Cain’s super simple introvert-extrovert model,” to determine how you get your energy, Urban added.

“If you’re extroverted where being around other people makes you feel energised, you might need less quiet or alone time to restore energy leakage,” Urban said, “and you might want to choose to spend time specifically with the people who you know make you feel energised.”

For those who are introverted, you will likely need a lot more alone time to restore your energy, she noted.

Keep track of what makes you feel this way.

You may not know exactly what drains your energy, and that’s OK, Park said. If you notice you are dealing with this feeling of energy leakage at the end of every day, make a point to take note of your actions in the days to come.

To decipher what is making you feel this way, pay attention to your actions, emotions and physical sensation, she said.

When it comes to emotions, when we are on the path to feeling drained, “we might notice we’re a little more irritable than usual, or down or anxious,” Park said. Additionally, you may notice that your heart is racing or your face feels hot, she said.

Another major sign? If you’re going about your day and not doing necessary self-care tasks like working out or keeping your home in order, you may be dealing with energy leakage, too.

If any of this rings true, take a step back and think about the tasks or interactions in the day that could have led to this moment.

“An issue I see a lot it almost seems like this all or nothing — you’re fine and then you notice, ‘Oh, I’m really drained right now,’” Park said, “It can be helpful to catch before you hit the ‘I’m completely drained right now.’”

It’s important to set boundaries.

“Setting boundaries is a huge and important factor in energy leakage — you want to set boundaries with friends, family members, co-workers or co-parents who are overstepping your capacity,” Urban said.

This can include telling someone that certain topics are off-limits, that you don’t want to take part in gossip or that you will leave a conversation if it turns mean.

Boundaries look different for everyone and should address the need that your energy leakage is trying to show you — so if something makes you feel drained or anxious, you probably need to establish some boundaries.

While boundary-setting can be tough, setting boundaries is “immediately going to allow you to reclaim some of that energy,” Urban said.

The Pandemic Warped Our Sense Of Time. Here’s How To Gain It Back.

Posted on 01/05/2022 by Boris Clair

At this point of the pandemic, it still feels like we’re stuck in a bit of a time warp.

Yes, offices are opening back up and many people are carrying on with their events and travel plans. But there’s still a layer of uncertainty about what might happen next with Covid and when the pandemic will truly end — especially as more variants pop up.

Life doesn’t exactly feel normal yet, and as a result, time drags by. Here’s why, and how you can “gain” some of it back:

1. We lost our routines.

According to Ruth Ogden, an experimental psychologist at Liverpool John Moores University who studies how humans process time, this sensation that time is warped has been a global phenomenon. Through her research, she’s found that people across the globe have experienced distorted time during the pandemic.

The biggest culprit of the time warp: the loss of our routines.

“All the things in our day that helped us know what time it was ― they were gone. That meant it became easy for time to slip and slide around,” Ogden said.

During the pandemic, time stood still for many of us. We canceled our activities and we distanced from friends. People did everything — sleep, eat, work, socialise, parent, exercise — from their homes.

“We’re all heavily routinised creatures, but this routine is important because it keeps us in time,” Ogden said.

Our day-to-day activities help us perceive time — if we are commuting, we know it’s morning, if we’re running out for lunch, it’s midday, and so on and so forth. Without daily routines, which act as markers of time, it becomes easy to get lost in time. The things that made your Saturday a Saturday, or your Tuesday a Tuesday, may no longer be there.

Research also suggests that emotions significantly impact our perception of time. When we’re happy and physiologically aroused, time feels like it’s flying by; conversely, depression can make time feel sluggish.

Furthermore, our expectations of how things will occur (i.e., the pandemic is over!) versus the reality of how things play out (there’s a new variant coming for us) can make time feel faster or slower, depending on if the actual outcome was better or worse than our predictions.

2. Memories help us process time, and our memories are different from the last few years.

Think back to the beginning of the pandemic, when news of Covid spreading around China first leaked. How long ago does that feel to you? Months? Years? It’s probably hard to tell.

Ogden and her research team have been studying how people feel about the length of the pandemic and have discovered that the brain processes length of time through memories.

“If we’ve got loads of memories, then it says, ‘Oh, it must have been a long time,’ but if it has very few memories, then we think it must have been a short period of time,” Ogden said.

In theory, most of us should remember the pandemic as being short — because we didn’t do a lot, Ogden said. But she’s found the opposite: most people feel like we’ve been stuck in the pandemic for much longer than we have been.

The reason, it seems, is that while we didn’t necessarily form a ton of fun, new memories for a period of time, we still formed memories. We learned how to bake bread, we got into puzzles and crafts and packed our days with Zoom meetings. We navigated life through restrictions, masking and distancing; we developed new skills and fell into new routines. Time moved forward.

A loss of routine is the main reason why time seems to drag by.

3. People process time differently.

Just how distorted time feels varies from person to person. It ultimately depends each person’s personal experience with Covid and how much the pandemic has influenced or changed their daily activities, said Nicole Dudukovic, the director of the neuroscience major at the University of Oregon.

Ogden’s research, for example, has found that social satisfaction is one of the biggest factors behind how people process time.

“The more socially satisfied you were, the ‘quicker’ the pandemic went,” Ogden said, noting that this didn’t just involve being around people, like family in your household, but seeking out and enjoying social connections.

People who have engaged in “normal life” again, and are traveling and commuting to the office and engaged in activities, are probably going to have a more normal sense of time right now. People who are at-risk and are hunkering down, along with those who are stressed about returning to pre-pandemic activities, may continue to feel disoriented about time.

“For some people, this experience will continue for a long time and that will continue to cause distortion to their experience of time,” Ogden said.

4. We’re more aware of time now.

Ultimately, the pandemic has made people much more aware of time. We’ve had more time on our hands, which has caused us to become hyper aware of time and how it’s passing, Ogden said.

At the same time, we often don’t remember time accurately. It’s very hard for people to remember how we felt about things, like time, in the past — it’s largely influenced by how we feel about things now. Memories of how time once passed can be very inaccurate, according to Dudukovic. While it may feel like time is passing differently now, it’s totally plausible that we’re just misremembering how time felt pre-pandemic.

“It’s possible that if you’d asked me in 2019 about how fast time was going that maybe it would be not that different from how I’m feeling about it now,” Dudukovic said.

Here’s how to overcome the time warp.

Ogden said it’s important to recognise that we are not going to return to life before the pandemic.

“So much in the world has changed as a result of the pandemic,” she said. We’ve carried on and adapted to new ways of work and socialising.

One of the best ways to mitigate the feeling that we’re stuck in a time warp is to create new routines.

“There’s a lot of evidence to suggest that your routine, and also the number of activities that you’re engaged in, that that’s going to influence how you’re perceiving time,” Dudukovic said.

Changing your environments — stepping out of the house, going on walks, or even switching up the room you work in — can trick your brain into thinking more is happening, so that time passes more regularly.

If your days blend together, save certain activities and routines for specific days of the week.

“Make your Tuesday a Tuesday because of the things you do in it,” Ogden said.

Finally, try to keep busy. The busier we are, the less we tend to focus on how time is passing.

How To Stop Obsessing Over A Mistake At Work

Posted on 29/04/2022 by Boris Clair

Making mistakes happens to all of us in our careers. But some of us hold on to these mistakes longer than others.

Maybe you lie awake at night still feeling queasy and anxious over the way you frustrated a client by accidentally giving them the wrong information. Maybe you are avoiding co-workers on your team because you feel like they are all judging you for that error, even though it happened last week. If either of these scenarios sounds familiar, you may be prone to obsessing over mistakes.

What fuels these constant worries is the shame of feeling completely inadequate and fear of others discovering your lack of capabilities, says Tanisha Ranger, a Nevada-based clinical psychologist. Once you start obsessing over mistakes because of your shame, it can steamroll into bigger problems like perfectionism.

“Shame often gives way to perfectionism, and perfectionism makes mistakes feel monumental. Essentially, ‘If I don’t do everything perfectly right then I am a failure and everyone will see my defectiveness,’” she says. “I’ve had many clients who struggled with obsessing over mistakes at work. [They lay] awake at night ruminating and beating themselves up over a mistake, not an intentional or careless mess-up, but a mistake.”

There’s a better way to acknowledge a mistake while still letting it go. Here’s how:

1. Put the mistake in perspective

After you make an obvious mistake at work, you may want the ground to swallow you up to save you from the embarrassment, shame and anxiety of facing your co-workers again.

If these worries are keeping you up at night, challenge those thoughts by getting more realistic with your thinking, suggests Shannon Garcia, a psychotherapist at States of Wellness Counselling.

“Will the world end? Nope,” she says. “Will you get fired? Highly unlikely. Will you receive constructive feedback from your boss? Maybe. Will owning up to your mistake be uncomfortable? Probably. Have you survived past mistakes? Seems like it, if you’re reading this. Will you survive this one? Yes!”

Sometimes accidental oversights do hurt your job performance, but it’s important to not catastrophise what happened.

“Sure, it caused a delay. Yes, it may have cost the company some money. OK, it negatively impacted job performance. But is it actually the end of your career? Really? Likely not,” says Ranger. “Shrinking things down to their right size, not ignoring/suppressing and also not overblowing or exaggerating, is an important part of letting things go.”

If it helps, try putting yourself in the shoes of co-workers who have also made mistakes. Once you see the compassion and sympathy you hold for their slip-ups, you may be more inclined to be compassionate about your own.

“When a co-worker has made a mistake in the past, is it something you’ve judged them immensely for? Did you spend your day thinking endlessly about their mistake? No. People at work are likely reacting the same way,” Garcia says. “No one is thinking about this more than you are.”

2. Learn that you don’t have to beat yourself up as penance

To move past a mistake, you also need to rethink what it means to learn from a mistake. If you think turning over every angle of how an interaction with your boss could have gone better, for example, take a deep breath. Give yourself permission to release those thoughts, says organisational psychologist Laura Gallaher of the consulting firm Gallaher Edge.

People ruminate because they believe there are payoffs to worrying so much; they think “A conscientious person would worry about this,” Gallaher says.

“When you know that you can simultaneously be a conscientious person, and also forgive yourself to move forward, it will be easier to do so.”

What Garcia tells her clients the most is “be nice to yourself,” she says. Reframe your worries in a more positive light.

“The fact that you are anxious about it means you care. That’s what your boss, co-workers and customers care about the most,” Garcia says. “Try not to beat yourself up over it. Create an affirmation to repeat to yourself whenever those negative self-talk thoughts pop up: ‘I accept my mistake, I choose to learn from it, and I am moving forward.’”

If you are stuck in the world of “could’ve/should’ve” in regards to your error, be honest with yourself about what you did not know.

Ranger says she works with some clients by asking them to consider why they supposedly “should have known better.” “It’s always so enticing to impose our current knowledge and wisdom on a past version of ourselves that could not have known to make that decision with the information we had at that time,” she says.

3. Don’t hide the mistake. Own what happened, but don’t take on other people’s judgement, too

When you make a big blunder at work, you may instinctually want to shut down, repress it, and forget it ever happened.

If you feel the urge to withdraw, challenge yourself to do the opposite. Be the one to bring it up in conversation with co-workers or your boss.

“If it was something that inconvenienced them, apologise for it,” Garcia says. “Then it’s a conversation happening where you are involved, people are likely to be gracious, and everyone can move on from there.”

It may sound counterintuitive, but being transparent about your mistake and its impact can be healing. “It can feel like a cold shower – before you do it, you fear it and feel uneasy or anxious,” Gallaher explains. “In the moment of being open, it can feel unpleasant at first, but once it’s over, you actually feel more refreshed 99% of the time. Taking accountability without blaming anybody is the most healing.“

Once you model being open and accountable, it may encourage others to do so as well. “Most of the time, when you lead with self-accountability, that vulnerability is courageous, and courage is contagious: People usually respond with their own self-accountability as well,” Gallaher says.

Of course, sometimes being honest about a mistake can also inspire eye-rolling judgement and harsh criticism from mean-spirited colleagues. You should hold yourself accountable for your mistake, but the judgement of your peers is not something you need to take on, too.

“Let them know what you intend to do differently to try to prevent something like this from happening in the future, and then accept that they may move on or they may not. It is outside of your control,” Ranger advises. “Taking on other people’s emotions is detrimental to yourself and makes it difficult for you to treat yourself with the kindness and compassion you deserve from you.”

Can We Ever Really Recover From Burnout?

Posted on 25/04/2022 by Boris Clair

You’re reading Life-Work Balance, a series aiming to redirect our total devotion to work into prioritising our personal lives.

“I’ve had splinters on my feet, I’m physically exhausted, I’ve had breakdowns. All the detox time in the world doesn’t change how burned out I am.”

This is the experience of Anthony*, a tech worker, 34, from London. After being asked to work weekends, weeks of late shifts, only then to be swapped onto earlies without warning, Anthony’s job has left him totally drained. So much so he’s quit his job without securing another. “I just can’t take anymore of this.”

Anthony isn’t alone in this state of mind. By the end of 2021, burnout was affecting more than 79% of UK workers, according to research by the HR tech company Ceridian, with 35% of people reporting high or extreme levels.

Nearly half (49%) of those surveyed in research cited an increased workload as a cause. The ongoing pandemic, post-Covid recovery, and the so-called Great Resignation, have left employers squeezing more out of their workers than ever before. And it’s causing a physical and mental health crisis.

Is there a chance of recovery? How long does it take to get over burnout?

We’ve seen buzzwords like self-care, wellness weekends and digital detox become the norm, but they risk ignoring the broader picture – that short stints of respite or relaxation don’t counteract the strenuous, back-breaking and brain-fogging nature of work under capitalism.

It takes years to recover from burnout. Not a day. Not a weekend. Not a week.

Years.

— natasha (@NatashaVianna) April 12, 2022

So what can we do? The obvious solution – if the Great Resignation is anything to go by – is to leave workplaces, even professions, that are bad for our health.

It’s what Lana*, 26, a social services worker in New York City, had to do to get some relief from her burnout.

“I quit working in the most toxic field possible in which I was forced to travel all over the city to unsafe locations. I got no support while dealing with people in extreme suffering/people who are dying. So I decided to get out of the field,” she tells HuffPost.

“Now I do my job and come home. No travel, no dying, I don’t stay late and I don’t take work home with me.

“My burnout was affecting me and my clients. I had to take a good hard look at myself and give myself the freedom to breathe again.”

Lana says she appreciates not everyone can leave their job immediately, especially given how expensive the cost of living is right now.

But if you are experiencing burnout, she says, it pays to make a change, rather than attempting simply to work through it.

“Finding new work definitely isn’t the only way to get over burnout, but you have to know when it’s time to take a break or reevaluate,” she says. “I feel like we owe it to ourselves.”

And while you might not completely be able to get over this block, there are some things you can do to mitigate burnout.

Jo Davidson, a business strategist who predominantly mentors female entrepreneurs, says she sees burnout among her clients all too often.

Recognise when you’re being pushed too much, she says. “Acknowledge that burnout is a result of the body telling us to stop. But we choose to ignore it, and don’t listen,” she tells HuffPost. “Taking changes is important because going back into exactly the same situation will only ever delay the healing.”

So how long can you expect to take to recover? Well, there is no right answer as the journey isn’t so linear.

“Recovery from burnout is definitely affected by how long it has been going on and how the individual recognises they have it and how actively they want to overcome it. For some it may be 10-12 weeks, however for others it can take years.”

10 steps to dealing with burnout

Davidson says there are ways you can aid your own recovery, whether that ultimately means leaving a job – or not. Here are some of those steps:

1. Acknowledge that it exists
2. Track stress levels (use an app, journal)
3. Identify the stressors and step away from these situations
4. Seek professional help. This is a strength not a weakness
5. Create a work life balance that includes time to have fun and rest
6. Change jobs if it is really badly affecting your mental health
7. Be kinder to yourself and keep a gratitude journal
8. Own it and believe that you can change it
9. Create a healthy sleep schedule and diet
10. Set boundaries.

While these are ways as individuals that we can ameliorate our conditions, remember that setting personal boundaries may not change the demands of your job wholesale.

This requires a company-wide push, or if you’ve got enough seniority in your role, a persistence in demands to change the wider work culture. Work should be a complementary part of our lives, not the thing that makes it unliveable.

*Names have been changed and surnames omitted to offer anonymity.

Life-Work Balance questions the status quo of work culture, its mental and physical impacts, and radically reimagines how we can change it to work for us.

12 Ways Therapists Are Personally Coping With Covid Anxiety (Again)

Posted on 12/09/2021 by Boris Clair

When the Covid-19 pandemic broke out in early 2020, we asked therapists and other mental health practitioners to share coping mechanisms for dealing with our weird new normal and mounting anxiety about the coronavirus.

Now the world is (somehow) entering the 19th month of the pandemic, and we’re calling on them again.

As the Delta variant of the virus continues to spread, infecting high numbers of unvaccinated people in the US in particular, we could use some therapeutic advice to help dial down our anxieties.

Below, mental health practitioners across America share how they’re coping with so much uncertainty, and the techniques they personally use when they start to worry about Covid getting bad again.

I remind myself this isn’t my first Covid rodeo.

“In times like these, I remind myself: I am not a pro at living through a pandemic, but I am not a novice, either. I remind myself that I can take precaution and maintain the way I have been for over a year. I can do the best that I can. My best is enough.” ― Akua Boateng, a psychotherapist in Philadelphia

I practise gratitude.

“It’s always helpful to focus on what we can control, but focusing on what we are grateful for is transformative. Practising gratitude always helps my anxious worries melt away. When the world feels uncertain, I love to physically write down on paper all the things I’m grateful for that come to mind, no matter how big or small. This small gratitude practice helps me shift my thinking away from ‘powerless’ to ‘powerful,’ from feeling like a victim to feeling like a victor. (As a mental health professional, I know that gratitude rewires our brains’ thought patterns for the better!) And in the moments my mind seems to want to cling extra-hard to anxiety, I take the opportunity to call a friend and share what’s on my mind. Connecting with another human being for a little compassion and empathy is always a good idea!” ― Therese Mascardo, a psychologist and founder of Exploring Therapy

I let myself process all my emotions about Covid: the good, the bad and the ugly.

“I personally give myself permission to name and experience the wide range of emotions stemming from the current pandemic and new variant; these feelings range anywhere from grief, anger, helplessness to hope. I let these feelings run through me and also share my thoughts and feelings with my support system of family and friends. This reminds me that I’m not alone with what I am experiencing.” ― Alyssa Mancao, a licensed clinical social worker in Los Angeles

“I practise regular self-validation and self-compassion, meaning that I allow and accept the emotions that show up with kindness, and without allowing self-judgment and self-criticism to prevail. Emphasis on ‘practice’ here, not perfection. At the end of the day, we’re all humans going through a shared traumatic experience together. I allow myself space to take time for myself, consider what I’m capable of, workload-wise (aware that I have the privilege to do that), and recalibrate and adjust as these times ahead change.” ― Brooke Huminski, a psychotherapist in Providence, Rhode Island

I limit the amount of Covid news I consume.

“What helps me to manage my Covid anxiety is to set limits and boundaries around the information that I am consuming. That can look like only watching the news for 10 minutes per day and not constantly refreshing my feeds. It is also helpful to set boundaries with friends and family in terms of sharing news stories, fatality rates and other information that can affect my mood. Simply stating, ‘Hey, I appreciate you wanting to keep me in the loop of what is going on, but these articles are creating more anxiety for me.’ Especially since we are all managing a climate in which there are so many opinions and an influx of false information spreading, it is important to filter what you are consuming and set boundaries.” ― Aaliyah Nurideen, a licenced clinical social worker in New Jersey

"[I] set limits and boundaries around the information that I am consuming," one social worker tells HuffPost. "That can look like only watching the news for 10 minutes per day and not constantly refreshing my feeds." — “[I] set limits and boundaries around the information that I am consuming,” one social worker tells HuffPost. “That can look like only watching the news for 10 minutes per day and not constantly refreshing my feeds.”

I ground myself in nature.

“Even though all I want to do after a long day of sessions is collapse on my couch and eat Cheez-Its, I force myself once or twice a week to the beach where I can put my feet in the sand and listen to the waves. Take an evening walk or sit on my back patio and listen to the birds chirping.” ― Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego

With so much out of my control, I’m focusing on what I can control.

“To me, the key to handling worry (whether it’s about Covid or anything else) is to make decisions about what I can actually control and then redirect my attention to what I’m actually doing with my time in the present moment. So if worry comes up about the latest COvid news, for instance, I might take some brief time to decide if I want to update any personal decisions I’ve made about activities or precautions in my life related to COvid. That should be a relatively quick thing (lingering for too long in decision-making mode is bad for anxiety), and then I try not to analyse questions I can’t actually answer, like ‘When will this end?’ or ‘Will I get Covid?’ Those questions are impossible to answer with certainty, so instead of trying to eliminate the uncertainty, I allow the uncertainty to exist and redirect my attention towards whatever activity I am actually doing with my time in that moment. Basically what I’ve just described there is mindfulness and acceptance of uncertainty, which are proven effective strategies for anxiety and worry.” ― Michael Stein, a psychologist in Denver specializing in anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder

“In grappling with my own Covid anxiety, I’ve worked on more actively accepting uncertainty. This means recognising when things are outside of my control, and gently encouraging myself to release any attempts I’m making to control those things. At the same time, I’m also staying mindful of the things that are still within my control – even if they feel small. We all make numerous decisions throughout the day – from what we eat, to what we wear, to who we interact with ― and reminding myself that I have choice in all of those things helps me to stay connected to my sense of agency in the world and my own capacity as a human being.” ― Madison McCullough, a psychotherapist in New York City

I try to meditate every day.

“I’ve committed to a morning and evening meditation practice. Even if I only have five minutes, it really grounds me as I enter the day and night. Insight Timer is a fantastic free app that provides a variety of meditations to meet your personal needs.” ― Aimee Martinez, a psychologist in Los Angeles

I try not to overextend myself.

“I’m a psychologist and a human: I have to contend with the same rush of emotions when I see the news stories involving loss, the politicisation of the virus and vaccine, and ‘business as usual’ even in the face of crisis. What has helped me over the past 19 months is figuring out what is in the locus of my control: that is, how can I not take blame for national events and focus more on what is more proximal to me? For example, just because I do an interview urging vaccinations on CNN does not mean I should see a spike in appointments the next day. What I can do, however, is check in on the one person I had a conversation with about vaccinations, to see how I can support their decision with evidence and love. But sometimes even checking in [on] other people can be a big source of frustration. That means limiting my locus just to myself: Am I wearing a mask? Am I sleeping and eating right? Have I sent loving messages to those around me? Just those seemingly small check marks can reduce the anxiety I have about exposure, increased risk, or supporting my loved ones.” ― Riana Elyse Anderson, a psychologist and assistant professor at the University of Michigan School of Public Health

“I’ve committed to a morning and evening meditation practice," one social worker says. — “I’ve committed to a morning and evening meditation practice,” one social worker says.

I’m practising radical acceptance.

“Right now, I am practising radical acceptance (a distress tolerance skill). I have accepted the uncertainty of the situation, which doesn’t mean I like it or want it, but means I have chosen to say to myself, ‘This just is what it is and I cannot control this situation. I am focusing on what I can control.’ I focus on having a relaxing morning routine and doing things that relieve stress every day.” ― Rebecca Leslie, a psychologist in Atlanta

I lean into my hobbies.

“Arkansas is a Covid hot spot, so my Covid policies are self-care via masking, doing only telehealth sessions with clients, being vaccinated, and going out only when necessary, though I walk in nature for an hour daily with my dogs. To stay challenged, I’m learning two new hobbies ― knitting and woodworking. Bottom line, there’s a lot of lemonade that can be made from pandemic lemons.” ― Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist in Little Rock, Arkansas, and co-host of “Curly Girls Relationship Show”

I seek harmony.

“When Covid became a thing, my big focus was on creating balance in my life. I worked hard at balancing being a great therapist, being my most present self to my two toddler children, being a listening ear to my medical colleagues working on the front lines, being an anchor to my extended family as they grieved the loss of several family members and friends, and taking the baton from my husband as he took on the lion share of pandemic parenting. This time around, I seek harmony. I am striving to live in the flow of my life by establishing routines, permitting myself not to follow routines, creating structures in my life, and allowing myself room to move within those structures. Less abstractly, I am listening more to what I need to be there for others. I am also accepting the limitations to my excellence. I am not here to find balance in all the many responsibilities and goals I have. I am here to live my life to the fullest, which means living in the flow of the good, bad, and blah days.” ― Dana Crawford, a psychologist and cultural bias consultant in New York City

I remind myself I’m doing all I can to stay safe.

“When I begin to feel anxious, as we all do ― often triggered by something I heard on the news, or a notice from my child’s school about another infection ― I fall back on cognitive behavioral tools. I remind myself of the statistics with this virus. Despite the high infection rate and the virulence of the delta virus, the death rate is still low. I remind myself that I am doing all I can do by following medical advice. I choose to put the rest of my worry on a shelf. I also choose to enjoy this present moment and not allow my fear to steal it from me. I will often repeat this to myself a few times, add some deep breaths and distract myself with a healthier thought, and I’m on my way again.” ― Zoe Shaw, a psychotherapist, relationship coach and author of “A Year of Self-Care”

How To Say No To Social Invitations Without Getting FOMO

Posted on 21/08/2021 by Boris Clair

Learn to say no to social invitations and carve out time for self-care.

After the initial portion of the Covid-19 pandemic kept us apart for so long, many people pledged to take advantage of every opportunity to see loved ones again once vaccines were available. Thus, “hot vax summer” was born, with a focus on filling our social calendars with parties, trips, weddings and more.

Now, as coronavirus variants continue to spread and, with the onset of autumn, opportunities for socialisation could start to shrink again, we may be feeling even more pressure to cram in a bunch of activities.

But saying yes to every single social invitation can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed and to burnout. We let our FOMO (fear of missing out) create a sense of obligation that can negatively impact mental health. The solution? Embracing JOMO or the “joy of missing out.”

“JOMO allows you to redefine what actually brings joy into your life, instead of allowing other people, events or society dictate it for you,” Michelle Wax, founder of the American Happiness Project, tells HuffPost.

“While in the past having a packed schedule of trips, events and activities may have been the norm, the past 18 months have allowed many of us to re-evaluate our lives and decide if how we’re spending our time and energy is what we actually want,” she adds. “JOMO allows you to choose the events, people and activities that will bring the most happiness into your life, and remove the ‘shoulds’ that are draining and time-consuming.”

If you’re someone who feels the pressure to go to every wedding, birthday party, picnic and day trip because you fear missing out, it will take more than just flipping a switch to feel the JOMO. But that doesn’t mean the situation is hopeless. Below, experts share their advice for how to embrace missing out.

Stop saying ‘yes’ to everything

“While meaningful social connections are critical to our physical and emotional well-being, finding a balance is also key,” says Sophie Lazarus, a psychologist with the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center. “Saying yes to and needing to be a part of everything can be exhausting and paradoxically reduce our ability to get the most out of the time that we do spend with others.”

Of course, caring about other people is important, but this shouldn’t come at the expense of your needs. Don’t feel obligated to attend events or do things you don’t enjoy simply because you feel like you “should.” It’s helpful to disconnect from guilt and obligation and use your time and resources for meaningful things in life.

“For the next month, just say ‘no,’” recommends Matthew Ferry, a happiness coach and author of Quiet Mind Epic Life. “Intentionally abstain from doing more and saying yes. Practise being picky and selective with your time. Ask this question, ‘Will saying yes to this help me realise that all is well in my world?’ If not, then say no.”

Make a list of the things that bring you joy.

Do a ‘joy audit’

“To embrace JOMO, it’s helpful to become self-aware of what really lights you up and rejuvenates you personally,” Wax says. “I recommend taking a ‘Joy Audit’ and writing down what people, places and activities bring joy to your life, and on the flip side, what people, places and activities drain your joy.”

Things that bring joy to your life could be as simple as cooking a new meal, reading a novel, turning off the news, getting out in nature or calling a loved one. When you find yourself with the opportunity to experience the joy of missing out, look to your list and choose one of these activities.

Develop a healthy routine

Self-care is the name of the game when it comes to finding joy in “missing out” or taking a break from the endless chaos of life. Make this part of your daily routine, so that you can get used to prioritising your needs.

“Take your ‘MEDS’ daily – meditation, exercise, diet and sleep,” Ferry says. He emphasises the power of nurturing our bodies with movement, nourishing food, mindfulness and rest. “When you do that, you feel empowered and satisfied with the moment,” Ferry adds.

Take a break from social media

“Nudge yourself into avoiding having to scroll, check, click and like all the time,” says Svend Brinkmann, a psychologist and author of The Joy of Missing Out: The Art of Self-Restraint in an Age of Excess.

Substitute this social media time with something more fulfilling to you on a personal level – whether that’s spending time with people in person or taking a nature walk alone.

“Any changes that help you make wise decisions and also minimise the potential for FOMO can be really helpful,” Lazarus says. “If you know social media is going to make it hard for you to feel good about your decision, then unplug for a bit. Maybe make a plan to engage in a favourite solo activity to help you make the most out of the time you gained from ‘missing out.’”

Take breaks from social media or reframe the way you look at people's — Take breaks from social media or reframe the way you look at people’s posts.

Reframe how you engage with social media

“You don’t have to unplug from social media altogether to avoid feeling the fear of missing out, but when you see people enjoying life online or on social media, another trick you can use is the ‘I am Next’ Strategy,” says Ken Honda, a happiness expert and author of Happy Money: The Japanese Art of Making Peace With Your Money.

“Whenever you feel jealousy or think other people are all out having a great time while you’re not, you can say to yourself, ‘Good for them! I’m next,’” he adds.

Rather than feeling bad about not being part of a certain event or trip, you can also think about how much more enjoyable your current and future life experiences are because you’re taking care of yourself and not getting burned out in the process. And remind yourself that individuals enjoy different things, so every little experience is not necessarily for you.

Take stock of what you have

The joy of missing out can encompass social events and other experiences, as well as spending money on objects. JOMO is about realising that you cannot do or have everything – and it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

“There is much in human psychology that drives us towards more, achieving more, earning more money, experiencing more and so on,” Brinkmann says. “But as they rightly say, less can be more, and JOMO is about reminding oneself that more is not always better, but in the consumer society that we have constructed over the last 100 years, it takes a disciplined effort to go against these tendencies.”

To counter these instincts, Honda recommends taking stock of all of the wonderful experiences and items you can already call your own and making time to appreciate them. You can keep physical lists in a gratitude journal or make it a regular mental exercise.

“The hard truth is that you cannot get everything in life anyway. There are thousands of events and chances happening every day that we just don’t know about, so we just enjoy the bliss of ignorance,” Honda explains. “It’s all about where you place your attention. Instead of purposely putting your attention on things you can’t have, it’s better to put your attention on things that you either can have or things you already have that make you happy.”

Engage with and appreciate the objects and memories you already have to shift your mind away from what... — Engage with and appreciate the objects and memories you already have to shift your mind away from what you don’t have.

Let go of false urgency

“Oftentimes we don’t realise the impact of reacting to the assumption, ‘I have to show up to everything I am invited to,’” Ferry says. “We automatically assume that there will be a negative consequence for not attending the party, accepting the dinner invite, or participating in an event that is important to someone else in our life.”

This assumption creates a false sense of urgency, so we assign undue importance to things that are actually more commonplace and routine.

“We behave like the relationship is on the line if I turn down an invitation,” Ferry explains. “Yet, accepting that invitation might not be what’s best for you mentally, emotionally, physically or financially. We are pack animals. We accidentally prioritise other people above ourselves. Put your needs first. Demand to be treated well. Demand to be at peace. Release false urgency and practice just being.”

Make time for reflection and mindfulness

“Since the pandemic started, our daily routines stretched, shifting us positively and negatively, causing us to turn inwards and witness our signals during uncertainty,” says life coach and Behaving Bravely author Anita Kanti. “It revealed a time to ponder life’s interpretations resulting in more gratification, an unexpected gift for many.”

Even as aspects of “normal life” become possible again, it’s important to continue setting aside time for reflection. Listen to what you need and let that guide you. Consider talking to a professional therapist if you don’t already.

Kanti also recommends mindfulness exercises to help with that process and mind shift. “Choosing JOMO while managing unproductive FOMO stimulates us to go deeper within ourselves,” she explains. “Try belly breathing exercises lying down, breathe by bringing the air down toward the belly. Do simple grounding techniques to detach, repeat affirmations, or focus on humour.”

Covid-19 is more than a news story – it has changed every aspect of life in the UK. We are following how Britain is experiencing this crisis, the different stages of collective emotion, reaction and resilience. You can tell us how you are feeling and find further advice and resources here.

How To Say No To Social Invitations Without Getting

Let’s Settle This Once And For All, How Often Should You Wash?

Posted on 14/08/2021 by Boris Clair

Celebrities have been sharing some dirty secrets – about their own hygiene habits.

It all started when Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis confessed that they don’t bathe daily. The pair told the Armchair Expert podcast that other than washing important parts of their bodies, they don’t shower every day, and this approach is something they’ve extended to their children.

Kunis told host Dax Shepard: “I don’t wash my body with soap every day. I wash pits and t*** and holes and soles… When I had children, I also didn’t wash them every day. I wasn’t the parent that bathed my newborns – ever.”

Kutcher agreed by saying: “If you can see the dirt on them, clean them. Otherwise, there’s no point.”

Other celebs soon joined the debate, with Jake Gyllenhaal admitting: “More and more I find bathing to be less necessary.” But we all breathed a sigh of relief, when Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson reassured us showering is still cool, telling fans: “I’m the opposite of a ‘not washing themselves’ celeb.”

Their antics have sparked an online debate about hygiene and whether we should be taking a shower every single day. Considering the past year has focused on staying clean and trying not to get Covid-19, we asked a leading expert how much washing is enough.

Professor Sally Bloomfield from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine actually agrees with Kunis and Kutcher. “I think it’s important that we don’t wash every single day,” she tells HuffPost UK.

“The skin is our barrier and it’s evolved and developed to have properties that sustain that barrier function, against the ingress of disease and toxins and so forth so it wasn’t developed to be washed every day.”

Washing our skin every day can wash off natural oils and upset the natural balance and the essential properties of the skin, Bloomfield adds. She knows bathing is a source of personal comfort, but doesn’t see washing every day as necessary.

Similar to Kutcher and Kunis, Bloomfield thinks we should be washing specific parts of our body every day. “Most of our body odours come either from the armpits or the anal area and they can be quite well controlled by washing those sensitive areas daily without having to bathe the whole body,” she says. “If it’s very hot and you’re sweating, then you will want to rinse off the salts and make yourself feel comfortable again. Obviously, personal hygiene is important for controlling odour.”

How about it when it comes to preventing diseases such as Covid-19? Since Covid is an airborne transmitted disease, Bloomfield says you don’t need to wash your entire body, only your hands. “It’s controlled by good hand hygiene and hand contact hygiene. You’re only getting it on your hands, you’re not getting on your whole body. There’s no point in washing your whole body because the risks of transmission via your body are very, very small, all you need to do to prevent transmission of infection, is by keeping it off your hands and prevent your self-touching.”

The only way we get some infections is by touching our mouth, nose, and face. Other infections are caught by a breakdown in the body such as cuts or grazes. So overall, Bloomfield doesn’t see any health benefits to having a daily shower.

Those are the facts, but we won’t be ditching bath time just yet. Sorry, Dr Bloomfield.

How The Hell To Start Processing The Year That’s Just Been

Posted on 27/12/2020 by Boris Clair

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It’s Totally Normal To Feel Weird, Anxious Or Scared Right Now –We’re In A Period Of Grief

Posted on 18/03/2020 by Boris Clair

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Don’t Pity Me When I’m Eating Solo – I Want To Be Alone

Posted on 12/07/2019 by Boris Clair

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