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‘Orgasms Made Me A More Patient, Less Stressed Mum’

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It was a typical weekday afternoon when Catherine S., a mother of four and part-time office clerk, decided to start taking her pleasure seriously.

“I was stressed, tired … and didn’t feel like making dinner,” she recalled. Glancing over her calendar, she felt even worse.

“It wasn’t that I didn’t love my life, because I did,” she added. “It was just becoming obvious that I needed to do something to feel a little better.”

So she started listening to spicy podcasts during her work commutes. Soon, she felt inspired to put her own erotic pleasure on her to-do list.

“My goal wasn’t to have orgasms, exactly, but I gave myself 15 minutes with my vibrator once a week, which is how I [climax] easiest,” she said.

Catherine nearly skipped her first session due to a headache. But when her phone alert sounded, she raced to her bedroom and went for it. “My headache was better after [my orgasm],” she said, “and so were my moods.”

Now, several months of weekly sessions later, she often anticipates the practice as much as her morning coffee. The most dramatic benefit, she said, came as a surprise: “Orgasms have made me a more patient, less stressed out, and more loving mum.”

Results like Catherine’s aren’t surprising to sexuality experts. While orgasms can’t alleviate all parenting-related challenges, they offer a range of advantages worth embracing.

More pleasure, less stress

Orgasms flood your system with feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, explained board-certified sexologist and sex coach Lanae St. John.

“Basically, they’re a shortcut from wired and overwhelmed to calm and content,” she said. “If stress has you clenched up like a fist, an orgasm is the unclench … the kind that makes you think, ′Why don’t I do that more often?’”

If you do up the frequency, even better. “When orgasms become a regular part of your routine, they’re not just reactive stress relief – they’re proactive emotional maintenance,” she said.

“Think of it like watering your nervous system. Don’t wait until the plant’s wilted.”

Emotional regulation and patience

It makes sense that erotic releases help Catherine feel more patient with her kids. Beyond stress relief, orgasms can guard against a short emotional fuse.

“Orgasms help regulate the central nervous system, calming you down,” said Nicolle Dirksen, a sex and couples therapist and clinic owner at Clover Counseling. “This can help you respond to parenting challenges with a calmer, cooler head.”

Improved rest from orgasms may help your emotional health, too. A study using Fitbit technology showed that women who orgasmed before bed slept longer than women who didn’t.

Given that sleep loss interferes with the parts of your brain that regulate your moods, more sleep can mean fewer angry, anxious and irritable moods.

Modelling body positivity and self-love

While your little ones obviously won’t be around for your orgasms, they can benefit from any emotional strength they facilitate.

“Kids are sponges, soaking up all of the vibes you give off — even, sometimes, those feelings you hold about yourself,” Dirksen explained.

“Prioritising your own pleasure can help reinforce positive feelings about your body, which means you can model for your children self-love and a positive relationship with your body.”

Catherine feels that her orgasmic play is bolstering her body confidence, and that her kids reap benefits. She especially appreciates that her nonbinary teen, who recently went through appearance-related bullying, will increasingly see “someone who’s unafraid to be in their body … without looking like a model”.

Improved partner connection

If you’re co-parenting with a sexual partner, shared orgasmic forays may deepen your bond, according to Dirksen.

“Regularly orgasming with a partner increases and improves intimacy and connection, two things that [tend] to decline once you become parents,” she said.

“This increased connection can help remind you that you’re teammates, something that can be super important during those tougher days of parenthood.”

Catherine and her husband often feel like “sliding doors,” she said, given their contrasting schedules.

When she told him about her orgasm sessions, they decided to plan occasional pleasure dates. “We may or may not have sex,” she said, “but we make time, even 20 minutes, to connect … where we both get to have pleasure.”

When pleasure feels out of reach

Prioritising your pleasure can be challenging while child-rearing. And your mindset can play a big role.

“Parenting often comes with a lot of guilt … especially about anything we think might be self-serving,” Dirksen explained. “Self-pleasure feels like a luxury, saved only for the perfect circumstances: enough time, privacy, energy … things parents have very little of.”

To turn that around, she suggests a reframe: “Focusing on and prioritising your kids’ needs makes you a great parent. But making time for your own needs and pleasure is also a sign of a great parent.”

And when time runs scarce, incorporate delight into the mundane. “Wear something that makes you feel sexy or listen to music that moves you while you wash the dishes or do the laundry,” she said. “Savour your morning coffee, distraction-free.”

Giving yourself grace (and pleasure)

Lastly, don’t stress if sex doesn’t appeal to you like it used to, which is common during baby years and for mums (and any parents) who bear the brunt of caregiving. That may change as your kids gain independence or you gain support. Regardless, there’s no sexual epitome to strive for.

For many parents, it’s challenging to “switch seamlessly between the roles of caregiver and sexual being,” according to Jillian Amodio, a licensed therapist and author. “It’s OK to be exactly where you are, to explore the ‘why’ behind these changes, and, if desired, to take steps toward reconnecting with your sensual self in a way that feels authentic to you.”

What matters most, it seems, is prioritising personal pleasure of some kind, starting with whatever mental shift it takes to get there.

“Stop treating pleasure like it’s dessert, something you get after everything else is done,” said St. John. “It’s a resource…[that] helps you function, connect and recharge. Sometimes it’s three minutes of quiet. Sometimes it’s dancing in the kitchen. Sometimes it is a quick solo sesh before bed, because you know it’ll help you sleep.”

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This Is The Ticket To More Frequent And Satisfying Orgasms, According To New Research

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When it comes to research and women’s sexual pleasure, most of what we know is about how things aren’t working — the fact that many women struggle to achieve orgasm with their partners, for example. One survey of women in Finland found that only 54% experienced an orgasm the last time they had intercourse, compared with 90% of men in similar surveys.

“There’s so little evidence that has actually looked at normal functioning of the orgasm in women, it’s shocking,” Megan Klabunde, a psychologist and professor at the University of Essex in England, told HuffPost.

Yet lots of women do have regular orgasms, both alone and with partners, and feel satisfaction in their sex lives. What could we learn from their experiences?

A recent study published by Klabunde and her co-authors found a skill that correlates with more frequent and more satisfying orgasms in women, nonbinary people and trans men: interoception.

What is interoception?

In elementary school, we’re taught the five senses: sight, smell, taste, hearing and touch. But these don’t encompass interoception, which is our perception of our own internal sensations.

“Interoception focuses on the senses from within your body, such as your heartbeat, sense of your breathing, hunger and your need to use the toilet,” Klabunde told HuffPost.

Noticing that your pulse or your breathing has sped up or slowed down would be one example. Or maybe you’re attentive to your body’s hunger cues even before your stomach starts growling.

In their survey of 318 women, nonbinary people and trans men, Klabunde and her co-authors rated participants’ levels of interoception by asking them how much they agreed with statements such as “When I am tense, I notice where the tension is located in my body,” ”I notice how my body changes when I feel happy/joyful” and “I trust my body sensations.”

How does interoception improve sexual satisfaction?

The study found that “a person’s tendency to notice their interoceptive
sensations and their abilities to attend to these signals are associated with increased orgasm frequency in women,” Klabunde said. In other words, people who were more in tune with internal sensations such as hunger or their pulse speeding up tended to have more frequent orgasms.

Klabunde noted that the study measured participants’ perceived interoception — whether they felt in tune with their bodies, without regard to whether these sensations were accurate.

This association between interoception and frequency of orgasms held for both solo and partnered sex. Interestingly, “the only thing that was associated with satisfaction of your orgasms in the partnered context,” Klabunde said, was “body trusting,” which she described as “women’s ability to trust their body and the sensations from their bodies.”

She speculated as to why this might be. “It’s really important to feel like when you do feel the sensations in your body, to trust them, to know that it’s safe to have that experience, rather than to feel like you have to override it with your own thinking and really doubt what your experience is.”

Joy Berkheimer, a therapist who was not affiliated with the study, saw a natural connection between interoception and sexual pleasure, telling HuffPost, “This heightened awareness allows for a better understanding of what feels pleasurable, leading to (hopefully) enacting or asking for more of what you like.”

How can people hone their interoceptive skills?

Though there is not empirical research showing what people can do if they want to increase their interoceptive awareness, it makes sense to try tuning in to these sensations if you are hoping to have more frequent or more satisfying orgasms.

One way to learn about your body’s sensations and preferences is to do some exploration on your own, so it’s perhaps not surprising that the participants in Klabunde’s study had more frequent and satisfying orgasms by themselves than with a partner.

“Engaging in solo sexual activities often means there’s less pressure to please a partner or meet external expectations, creating a more relaxed state of mind that enhances personal pleasure and enjoyment,” Berkheimer said.

“Additionally, cultural norms often prioritise male pleasure, which can diminish focus on female and nonbinary pleasure in partnerships; solo activities provide a space to prioritise one’s own needs. For some, the emotional connection experienced during solo activities can also feel safer, encouraging vulnerability and deeper exploration of your sexual identity and desires,” Berkheimer added.

While in other endeavours, people are often advised to home in on their goal or even to “manifest” it into reality, interoception during sex is less about whether or not you reach orgasm and more about paying attention to your sensations in the moment and trusting your body.

Klabunde noted that sensate focus therapy, a kind of sex therapy for couples, is rooted in noticing your own sensations and building trust with your partner. Though it has not been clear in the past why this therapy is effective, interoception offers a potential explanation.

Although it may lead to more or better orgasms in the long term, sensate focus “tries to get a couple to take orgasm off of the table and to not make it a part of the goal … to slowly get more comfortable in those sexual interactions without having a goal and just to be present with each other and to be present with your bodies,” Klabunde said. For example, a couple might start by having one partner stroke the other person’s hand and focusing on what that experience feels like.

Berkheimer advised that couples looking to improve their sex lives embrace “the journey of discovery together.”

“Start by cultivating a safe and open space for communication,” Berkheimer said. “Talk about what feels good, what excites each of you and any boundaries you want to establish.”

If you’re looking to take your sexual relationship to the next level, Berkeimer recommended that you “encourage your partner to connect with their own body — this self-exploration is powerful and can inform you both about what brings joy and pleasure.”

You can also “experiment with different techniques, positions and even toys to find what resonates best,” she said, adding that you might incorporate breath work or mindfulness practices, both of which can help you tune in to your internal sensations.

“Creating an atmosphere that embraces playfulness, curiosity and touch can transform your intimate moments into a magical experience,” she said.

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I’m A Middle-Aged Woman. This Is What Happened When I Got A Happy Ending Massage.

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Way back near the beginning of pandemic, I had a real-life “Good Luck to You, Leo Grande” experience.

If you’re not familiar with the movie (now streaming on Hulu), a retired widow (Emma Thompson) hires a fine-ass sex worker (Daryl McCormack) to find some sexual adventure. (Spoiler: Adventure is found.)

In my case, there was no green-eyed Leo Grande. However, I did have two (2!) people working over my middle-aged body. Also, they weren’t official “sex workers,” though it did involve both sex and work.

I was getting a “hands-on bodywork session,” basically a massage with a (possibly) happy ending. Oh, it was all on the up and up. It was through an organisation, let’s call it Yonis R Us (YRU), that hosts retreats in glamorous locales where women of all ages (seriously, ALL, like up to extremely senior citizen) learn to connect with their bodies, their sexuality and their desires.

And yeah, a happy ending might be had, but the bodywork sessions were about more than that. It was about allowing yourself to accept pleasure and feel sexual without any of the body image/performative/goal-oriented pressures of a lot of hetero sex.

Getting rid of that last bit was going to be a trick for me. I enjoy spending my leisure time worrying about things like that new spot on my leg (fatal????), people who don’t text back immediately (dead???) and the like. My monkey mind doesn’t just chatter away during my rare attempts at meditation ― mine is more howler monkey, always on duty, hyper-vigilant and screeching from the treetops, alerting me to a constant stream of imaginary peril.

To be honest, I was secretly looking for a Magic Vagina Whisperer, someone who would force me to chill the F out, know what I wanted even before I knew it, and could play my body like a piano, or whatever musical instrument is the equivalent of my body (Bagpipes? Theremin?).

When Nanette*, the founder of Yonis, messaged me one day and offered me a private session that night, gratis, I was immediately like, “Yes, please!” It was to date, the best media perk I’ve gotten, and I am a person who recently received a huge box of weed products hand-delivered to my door.

About four seconds later, I panicked. The letting-strangers-touch-alllllll-the-naughty-bits wasn’t the issue. I’ve interviewed several sex workers and came away convinced that sex work is an important helping position. Providing loving sexual touch to people who aren’t getting it, for whatever reason, is a gift. I had no moral quandaries. Viva getting touched by a kindly, trained stranger/specialist!

But on that particular day, I was not feeling super fuckable. I already had a full-on pandemic body going on, even though we were just barely into it. Underneath my Bao–like belly, I was sporting a bush with the aesthetics of an abandoned parking lot.

As Emma Thompson told Vogue about the extremely last-minute preparations for her role in ”Good Luck to You, Leo Grande,” “I couldn’t go off to a health spa in anticipation of forthcoming nudity.”

Nor could I, Emma. I couldn’t lose the belly in one day, and in a flash of liberation, I decided I would leave the bush in “as is” condition. I was gonna own this “forthcoming nudity,” goddammit. The idea was strangely empowering. “Screw it!” I thought. “This is my body. Behold!”

That night I pulled up to a charming little house tucked down a shady lane somewhere by San Diego. I was greeted at the door by Nanette, who is short, curvy and warm, like a sexy fairy godmother. She introduced her associate, Rod Steele,* who is blonde, muscled and pretty much an ideal specimen of manhood, as well as being a lovely, gentle person.

There was a spacious living room and a large wooden dining table laden with snacks. I picked at the spread while we had easy talk about…something? Finally they asked me to go into the bedroom, disrobe and get up on a table similar to a massage table. I draped a sheet over myself and waited.

When they came in, they spoke to me gently and started giving me a massage. If you find yourself in a situation where two people want to give you a massage, I’d recommend you take them up on it at once. It was pretty great.

I closed my eyes as they introduced elements of sensation play, always asking permission first. There were scarves draped up my thighs, a little wheel toy with pokey things ― the idea was to stay in the moment and really focus on the sensations.

Somebody eventually started touching me where the bathing suit covers. There were some consensual flicks of a flogger and the introduction of a butt plug. It’s odd that I can’t remember the specifics of who was touching where, otherwise I could give you a play-by-play, like “Bishop to e5.”

What does stand out is that it was dawning on me that I wasn’t even close to having an orgasm, and I (ridiculously, I know this!) felt like I should ― like it would be polite to do so. And it felt absurd that it wasn’t happening. I was being stroked and lavishly feted by two gorgeous, sexy and attentive people. But I was lying there wondering if their hands were getting sore, and they regretted doing this for free.

So there I was: naked, the stimulation increasingly amping up and still not having an orgasm.

Eventually (two minutes? 700 years?) they brought out the big guns, the hallowed Magic Wand. If you’re not familiar, the Wand is a giant vibrator that’s pretty much a jackhammer for the lady parts. If there ever was a vibrator that could easily be converted to gas power (rip cord and all), it would be the Wand.

They applied the Wand, but my body would not succumb to it. I felt my monkey mind cockblocking the insistent ministrations of my electric lover. “Shit, it’s still not happening!” I thought, which for the record, is pretty low on the list of arousing thoughts.

Then it dawned on me. I thought about my best sex ever and how raw chemistry goes a hell of a long way towards arousal. Yes, the simple biological manipulation of body parts is a huge part of sex, but it’s just one part of a complex mix of lust chemicals, scents, the almost divine touch of someone who really does it for you and the particular appeal of a partner’s jawline/chest/thigh/thick dick/whatever.

In this case, all manner of diligent rubbing wasn’t gonna be enough. It’s the same reason a glory hole wouldn’t appeal to me. I’d need some backstory.

Here, I couldn’t just lie down on the massage table thing, spread my legs and get lost in it.

In discussing the “problems” of sex in “How to Think More About Sex,” the delightful School of Life co-founder Alain de Botton writes, “Great sex, like happiness more generally, may be the precious and sublime exception. During our most fortunate encounters, it is rare for us to appreciate how privileged we are. It is only as we get older, and look back repeatedly and nostalgically to a few erotic episodes, that we start to realise with what stinginess nature extends her gifts to us — and therefore what an extraordinary and rare achievement of biology, psychology and timing satisfying sex really is.”

But I digress. Through all this, the Wand was determinedly buzzing away, perhaps puzzled, not understanding why I was resisting its charms. I didn’t know what to do, so finally I mentally pulled up the images of my favourite porn. If you must know it’s the one with two college guys who, against their supposed straightness, get too turned on and simply must bone each other immediately.

Eventually, less being swept away by inevitability and more “I will make this happen,” ala Annette Bening “I will sell this house today!” in “American Beauty,” I had the orgasm. Check. Not huge, but there. Hey, way to ruin goalless pleasure with a goal, self!

Once the “sex” part was done, we moved back out to the living room. I sat on a couch, and Nanette and Rod settled in on each side. They snuggled in close and handed me an exceptionally good popsicle. We talked about what had gone down and how it was for me. Rod suggested I give the plug another try sometime. I had another popsicle (this is unrelated). It was A+ aftercare.

In the end, I still completely support this kind of work. If you can lie back and enjoy being attended to by two eager pretend lovers, get yer butt on up on that table. (Statistically, it’s likely that you’d dig it: Multipartner sex is the most common fantasy, according to Justin Lehmiller’s “Tell Me What You Want.”)

For me and my howler monkey mind though, the most thorough fuck of the night was the mind fuck I gave myself. It wasn’t ideal, but lessons were learned. Sex with another person who hotly desires you as much as you desire them is a rare and beautiful thing. This was not it. But it didn’t need to be that. It occupied a different space.

In this space, you can be sexual without worrying about pleasing another (or, like me, you can worry about it anyway) and that feels important. You can go to this place, go really deep sexually and emotionally with two other people, then be on your merry way, with no emotional reverb. And you might even get some popsicles out of the deal.

*Names had been changed. Except mine, which was probably a bad decision.

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