6 ‘Invisible’ Household Tasks That Drain Mums’ Time And Energy

Posted on 26/05/2024 by Boris Clair

Keeping a household running smoothly takes a lot of effort. There are the more obvious physical tasks like cooking meals, taking out the rubbish, folding laundry and picking the kids up from school. But it also requires a whole bunch of behind-the-scenes planning, organising, anticipating of needs, decision-making and delegating known as the mental load — an invisible kind of work.

In heterosexual relationships, most of these invisible tasks tend to fall on the mom’s shoulders, even when both partners work outside of the home. Men today may be taking on more hands-on domestic responsibilities than they have in the past, but women are still usually carrying the bulk of the mental load.

“Women aren’t just doing more labor, the labor they’re doing is mentally and emotionally taxing: anticipating and planning for how to meet the family’s needs,” Laura Danger, an educator who facilitates workshops on domestic labor, previously told HuffPost.

“When you consider, in cis-het couples, who is usually keeping the social calendar, signing kids up for summer camps and ensuring the grocery list is planned and prepared? It’s often defaulted to mom. Doctors, teachers and coaches often dial mom first. Even the vet usually calls mom before dad!”

Managing kids' clothes, for example, is a much bigger task than it might seem. — Managing kids’ clothes, for example, is a much bigger task than it might seem.

These invisible tasks often take up way more time and energy than meets the eye. One example? Registering a child for kindergarten, which artist Mary Catherine Starr, the woman behind @momlife_comics on Instagram, just did recently for her son.

“What went into this registration was so much invisible labor,” she told HuffPost. “Keeping an eye out for when registration opened, going online to fill out all of the forms — which includes locating all sorts of paperwork and medical history— calling the registration office when a technical issue comes up on the website, booking a registration appointment to turn in the rest of the paperwork, scheduling a ‘kindergarten screening’ for the child, taking the child to said screening, texting normal child care provider about child being late to child care on registration day, and rearranging work schedule to accommodate kindergarten screening.”

“All of this takes three to five hours out of an already busy schedule, and if they’re not a part of it, their partner has no idea what went into this,” she continued. “It’s something you simply can’t understand unless you’ve lived it.”

We asked moms which invisible tasks on their plate are more taxing than they might appear. Here’s what they told us:

1. Staying on top of kids’ clothes

Lina Forrestal, a content creator and host of The New Mamas Podcast, said keeping her fast-growing baby and toddler’s wardrobes up-to-date with items that fit is a “huge challenge.”

“Everything from pants, shirts, socks and shoes,” she told HuffPost. “Then, there’s the load of having to purchase new things, and put away, donate or sell the old stuff that doesn’t fit anymore. It’s the biggest invisible time suck.”

Not only that, you also need to make sure the clothes are seasonally appropriate — i.e., ensuring you have the right-size bathing suits for summertime, and sweaters and pants that fit for the cooler months.

2. Meal planning

Caitlin Murray, the creator behind @BigTimeAdulting on Instagram, said that while there are a million items on her invisible labor to-do list, the most all-consuming one is figuring out what her family is going to eat every day. And that doesn’t just mean coming up with meal ideas, it also means finding balanced, nutritious and tasty options that all three of her kids will enjoy.

“I happen to love food, and I also care very much about the level of variety and nutrition my kids are getting. I’m not super strict ― we have plenty of treats ― but I am constantly struggling to think of new ways to get them to eat all the good stuff, too,” she told HuffPost.

“It’s also important to note that, if kids are not enjoying their food, meal time is going to be hell. I’m personally triggered when there are complaints and dissatisfaction with a meal, which is why it’s never as easy as just grocery shopping and cooking,” she added.

For comic artist Debbie Tung, it’s also taking time to carefully meal plan and create a grocery list so that she’s only buying items she knows they’ll use to avoid wasting food.

“Sometimes I prepare meals in advance if I know I’ll be very busy on a specific day,” she added. “I try to make sure my kid’s diet includes adequate fruits and vegetables daily.”

3. Keeping track of what household items are needed

This one may not seem like a monumental task on its face, but constantly staying on top of which things need to be replaced or replenished — like diapers, toiletries, cleaning supplies, snacks and pet food, just to name a few — requires a fair amount of mental work.

“Why is it usually Mom that knows what products or food items the family is running out of at any given time?” Renee Reina Grenon, host of “The Mom Room” podcast, told HuffPost. “Because, they are the ones packing lunches, making meals, packing the diaper bag, changing diapers, doing bath time, signing the permission slips for field trips, doing the laundry, doing groceries, etc. The list is never-ending.”

4. Managing school schedules, needs and communication

These tasks are just a fraction of the mental load that comes with motherhood.

For Starr, these school-related tasks entail “so much more than meets the eye.”

One example: reading all of the school emails and papers that get sent home and then taking action on anything that requires a response.

“For some of these items, that means checking my schedule to see if I can take time off of work to volunteer in a classroom or at a school event, or marking the schedule because it’s a half day or there’s a field trip or something we need to plan around,” Starr said.

“For other items that get sent home, it means making sure a child does the work associated with the handout, for example, reviewing spelling words each night or filling out a reading log that needs to be returned every Friday,” she added.

Other tasks include, but are not limited to, signing up for after-school activities, helping with school fundraisers, getting doctor’s notes for excused absences, and responding to questions or notes from teachers.

And don’t forget keeping track of special themed days or spirit weeks “ensuring that these days are on the calendar and remembered and planned for,” said Starr. “‘Is my tie-dyed shirt clean? Today is tie-dye day!’”

5. Making and keeping track of appointments

In writer and content creator CJ Kelsey’s house, she’s the one typically tasked with the scheduling and managing of appointments, she said.

“My husband will gladly take them, but I’m in charge of not only making my kids’ doctor appointments but now my parents’ as well,” she told HuffPost. “And it takes a lot of time to make the calls and a headache to keep them all organised.”

Not to mention other associated tasks like filling out the forms that may need to be completed prior to the appointment, and making sure the front desk has your up-to-date address and insurance information.

6. Attending birthday parties

Planning a birthday party for your kid can be a lot of work, but it’s a once-a-year event. However, you may be a guest at other kids’ parties a couple of times a month — or more.

“It doesn’t sound like it, but being a guest is a lot of work,” Forrestal said. “From remembering to RSVP, to buying a gift, the mental math of getting to the birthday party location on-time — usually on a weekend with other events going on.”

It’s Time To Stop Taking All Of This Domestic Labor For Granted

We shouldn’t just assume moms are going to be the default parent for virtually every facet of raising a family. Instead, let’s recognise their unseen, unpaid efforts and discuss ways to distribute tasks — especially the mental load — more equitably.

“When I was younger, my mother did so much for us while working a full-time job,” said Tung. “I never realised that or truly appreciated it until I became a mother myself and tried balancing my job, parenting, household chores and staying on top of my kid’s school work. It’s a huge mental load, and I never stop planning and thinking about what needs to be done.”

“I feel like my husband doesn’t share the same mental load,” she added. “But it would be great if more partners could see things from a mother’s perspective, and show more appreciation and willingness to help.”

“Our society loves to say that raising children is the most important job in the world — but it is never treated as such.”

– Renee Reina Grenon, host of “The Mom Room” podcast

Starr said when her husband handles a family management task that she has historically taken care of, he’ll often tell her he’s surprised it took so long to complete.

“He thinks, for some reason, that it doesn’t take as much time for me because I’m more ‘experienced’ or ‘better’ at handling these kinds of tasks, but the fact of the matter is that these tasks just take a lot of time, no matter who you are,” she said.

“And if you are carrying the entire task and all of the accompanying tasks that come along with it, managing a family and household takes a lot of time and energy. And this time and energy should not fall on the mom. It should be divided between the parents,” Starr added.

Reina Grenon said she wishes people valued the unpaid work of motherhood the way they do a paying job.

“Our society loves to say that raising children is the most important job in the world ― but it is never treated as such.”

Ah Joy – ‘Mother’s Wrist’ Is A Painful Reality For Some New Mums. But Why?

Posted on 03/08/2023 by Boris Clair

‘Mother’s wrist’ – or de Quervain’s tenosynovitis, as it’s more formally known – is a very painful, not to mention common, issue for new mums.

Yet unless you’ve suffered with it, you’ve probably never heard of it.

The ailment causes pain in the base of the thumb and wrist whenever you use your thumb. It can make activities like opening jars, unscrewing the lid of milk bottles, changing nappies and lifting your tiny tot utterly agonising.

Big Bang Theory’s Kaley Cuoco gave birth to her first child, Matilda, back in March – and took to Instagram in July to share a photo of herself wearing a compression bandage on her wrist. “They call it ‘mommy wrist,’” she wrote in the caption of the Instagram Story, later adding that she had it in both hands. Ouch.

“I’ve had this for the past nine months from my baby and it’s NO joke!” said one parent, after Entertainment Tonight shared photos of Cuoco’s wrists on Instagram.

“I had it with my third child, it was awful, I couldn’t pick her up,” added another mum. “I couldn’t lift anything, I got a steroid shot directly in my wrist and it went away within hours, never had an issue with it again.”

Kaley Cuoco pictured at Pacific Design Center on June 01, 2023.

What causes the issue?

According to the Health Service Executive (HSE), it could be caused by a combination of hormonal changes and increased pressure on the wrist tendons when lifting and holding a baby – which makes a lot of sense.

Women who breastfeed also have a higher chance of developing it, but it’s not clear why.

Symptoms

If you have ‘mother’s wrist’, you’ll certainly know about it. Symptoms include:

Pain on the thumb side of the wrist, which is aggravated by lifting the thumb or using scissors. The pain might travel up the arm.
Tenderness if you press on the site of pain
Swelling of the site of pain
Clicking or snapping of the tendons.

Experts at Bristol Chiropractic shared a handy way to know if you have the issue. Grip your thumb and gently pull it down and forwards away from you.

“If this causes pain, there is a good chance that this is the type of ‘baby wrist’ you are suffering with,” they explained.

Treatment

The good news is that milder cases of ‘mother’s wrist’ tend to go away in a couple of weeks – although sometimes this is more like months.

In the meantime, if you’re struggling, HSE recommends easing the pain with ice massages, stretches, painkillers (paracetamol) or even wearing a rigid wrist splint. These can usually be obtained from a sports shop or physiotherapist.

It can also help to relieve the pain by resting the hand – although that’s easier said than done with a baby.

If the pain doesn’t ease off, speak to your GP or book in with a physiotherapist.

Guidance from the British Society for Surgery of the Hand (BSSH) suggests a steroid injection relieves the pain in about 70% of cases. However, some thinning or colour change in the skin at the site of injection may occur.

In severe cases, some parents might require surgery, which typically sorts the problem out.

5 Powerful Photos Of Breastfeeding Mums – And The Stories Behind Them

Posted on 31/07/2023 by Boris Clair

What’s stopping new mums from breastfeeding? That’s the question photographer Ania Hrycyna set out to uncover when she gathered 15 mothers together for a candid festival-inspired photoshoot of them feeding their babies.

The UK has some of the lowest breastfeeding rates in the world with eight out of 10 women stopping before they want to.

Ahead of World Breastfeeding Week (1-7 August), the South London-based photographer and mother brought together a group of local women at a local airfield and asked them about the challenges they’d experienced in their breastfeeding journeys.

The photographer’s hope is that their stories – and gorgeous photos – will foster more empathy and understanding of the difficulties women face. And one theme that crops up time and time again is the lack of support new mothers face.

Here are some of their stories.

‘He struggled to latch and I received very little support from midwives at the hospital’

I started breastfeeding my firstborn in May 2017. He was tiny and very sleepy, really struggled to latch and I received very little support from the midwives at the hospital.

Once at home, he lost 13% of his birth weight. The home health visiting team were fabulous and helped me increase my milk supply and get onto an exclusively breastfeeding path which we followed for two-and-a-half years (until a couple of weeks before the birth of his little brother).

I thought after breastfeeding for two-and-a-half years it would be a doddle the second time around, but I guess I underestimated that my new little bundle had to find his way, too.

I managed to settle onto breastfeeding Hugo, who again I fed for two-and-a-half years. This time until I was about 30 weeks pregnant with my third baby, Max.

I have recently gone back to work after maternity leave so just learning to live in our new chaos and finding the right balance between expressing at work and co-sleeping so that he can get all his milk feeds.

I love the bond from breastfeeding my babies.

‘I never knew two breastfeeding journeys could be so different’

In 2020, I became a mother to our first child Lilah Ottalie. Breastfeeding was something I had set my heart on and it came so naturally to us both – born in water, she climbed up and latched on within moments, despite having a tongue tie.

She fed perfectly throughout my second pregnancy in 2022 and is still going strong today.

Our second child, Ottis Malachi, had a harder time learning to latch and feed. He was born very fast, he was tired and so was I – everything was a blur. He didn’t feed at all for the first 48 hours, he never got any of my golden colostrum. I felt very let down by the team at the hospital, I still do.

They wanted him to try formula as he couldn’t latch and he was losing energy. Lilah has a severe cow’s milk protein allergy that had her in and out of hospital for the first eight months of her life. I have been dairy-free for the last three-and-a-half years for this reason.

The hospital could only offer me cow’s milk formula for Ottis, which I had no choice but to accept. He reacted more or less straight away and I knew the symptoms so well that I declined the next feed. It was all on me.

Giving birth in lockdown meant my partner wasn’t allowed in to support me either, and it was the first time I had ever left Lilah, who was still breastfeeding and wasn’t allowed in to see us. I was heartbroken with a new baby that needed me.

We stayed in for four days until we were discharged with a feeding plan of me exclusively pumping to supply him with what he needed. Ottis had a lot of problems – we found out he also had a tongue tie and a high palate with a shallow latch.

At six days old he finally latched on his own for the first time. He really struggled to find his way to my nipple, so it was suggested at six weeks that we replicate being born and the newborn crawl to the boob. It helped and I was so emotional.

I had been told I wouldn’t be able to feed him and it was a long road but we got there in the end. He still wouldn’t latch every time and struggled a lot, he used to get very frustrated and chompy which had me in a lot of pain and tears. He also has low muscle tone making it hard for him to hold on when feeding.

I never knew two breastfeeding journeys could be so different. I have now been tandem feeding for a further year-and-a-half.

‘We need to be more open about the issues surrounding breastfeeding and where to go for support’

I knew I wanted to try breastfeeding, but also knew things might not work out and I didn’t want to feel too let down if I wasn’t able to. If anything I had almost convinced myself that I may not be able to because I was unable to harvest any colostrum before giving birth – despite my best efforts. I made sure to pack bottles of formula in my hospital bag.

With there being so much emphasis on ‘breast being best’ I did feel a bit guilty about being so comfortable with the idea of giving my baby formula straight away, like I had quit before starting – but now looking back I realise I had a lot of worries about breastfeeding in general with questions in my mind such as: Will I produce enough milk? Will it mean my body will never be my own again? Will my nipples be leaking milk all the time?

When I gave birth to my daughter, suddenly all of the feelings of anxiety and worry were quickly replaced with confidence as I watched her crawl up my stomach after birth, navigate her way to my boob and latch her little mouth – it was truly magical.

In this moment I fully understood and felt what my hypnobirthing teacher had meant when she said to trust your body and baby. Breastfeeding hasn’t come without the lows, though, and one of the things that surprised me was the pain – especially in those initial weeks when my daughter would cluster feed.

We’re told that breastfeeding should be a pain-free experience that will come naturally to us and our babies, which I don’t believe is true for the majority of women. I cried numerous times through the hard times in our journey, constantly thinking: why is this so tough when it’s supposed to be the most natural thing?

I think as a society we need to be more open about the issues surrounding breastfeeding and where to go for support, so that women can prepare themselves for the common issues and not struggle silently.

‘I felt like I was already failing as a mother, less than an hour after becoming one’

I always knew I wanted to breastfeed my children – my trouble was in having those children. After a good few years, I finally got pregnant thanks to the miracle of science, and then Covid-19 struck.

Serafina was born in September 2020. I tried to feed her in the minutes after birth, but she wouldn’t latch. I was devastated, especially as the breastfeeding nurses kept telling me it was because I have flat nipples. Hormones and tiredness didn’t help, but I felt that not only could I not conceive naturally, I couldn’t feed her naturally either. I felt like I was already failing as a mother, less than an hour after becoming one.

The following day, I was ‘allowed’ to express, so at least she was getting the good stuff… When I got home, I persevered with breastfeeding – my husband bought every contraption under the sun to try and help with my ‘flat nipples’ and the midwife who visited on day five tried to help me with positioning.

Serafina did start feeding, but I was in agony, kept getting blocked ducts, and had a baby or a pump attached to my boobs nearly 24/7. About six weeks after Serafina was born, I finally plucked up the courage to join a breastfeeding Zoom session. I was recommended a lactation consultant who arrived the next day and diagnosed a severe posterior tongue tie within two minutes of walking in the door and advised the stabbing, freezing pains I was feeling was vasospam.

A mere 10 seconds after the tongue tie was severed, Serafina latched onto my boob – and it felt amazing.

When we decided to try and have another baby, I was told I wouldn’t be able to start the hormone treatment until I’d stopped breastfeeding Serafina. After everything we’d been through to get to this point, how was I going to stop?! And why was I putting a potential future baby ahead of the real life baby girl I held in my arms?!

The guilt was crushing. But we eventually did it (with many tears!). Persephone was born in January this year and latched on and started feeding within minutes. It was a totally different experience. It still didn’t feel quite right, but it wasn’t painful. Tongue tie was discounted, so I just got on with it.

We were eventually referred to the tongue tie clinic because Persephone had green stools, and lo and behold, she had posterior tongue tie. To say I was annoyed is an understatement. But at six months old, she is now feeding much better. It has not been an easy journey, but I’m so proud of myself and my girls.

‘There is so much more to breastfeeding than just feeding a baby’

I always knew I wanted to breastfeed, so when my eldest daughter was born in 2013 I was delighted when it came quite easily to us both. When her younger brother was born 16 months later, it was a different story.

He had a tongue tie and feeding was really painful. I didn’t know how or where to access good support and believed the people who told me nothing could be done to make his feeding more comfortable.

I fed him for a year but it was a good three months before it felt comfortable. The same thing happened with his younger sister, born 18 months later and also with a tongue tie.

When my fourth baby was born and feeding was again painful, I knew a bit more about tongue tie and what to do. We found support, had her tie divided and feeding was so much easier from then on.

I decided to train as a breastfeeding counsellor, partly because I had always loved feeding my babies (despite the pain) and wanted to understand it more, and partly because I wanted to be able to offer others the support I had so desperately needed myself.

I spent two years completing a foundation degree and during that time my fifth and sixth babies came along, both with tongue tie. I recently gave birth to my seventh baby (again with tongue tie), who is in this photoshoot.

I find it so rewarding to be able to help people to work through difficulties and to be able to continue breastfeeding, where that is important to them. It has also been a huge help to my own breastfeeding journeys, which have not been without their difficulties, to understand how breastfeeding works and the impact that the various challenges can have.

I hear first-hand how valuable that support is for new parents and I am passionate about providing accessible support to anyone who needs it through drop-ins, free telephone helpline support and signposting to other services.

There is so much more to breastfeeding than just feeding a baby and I enjoy the constant learning that comes with working in breastfeeding support.

‘My Body Is Craving A Break’: This Is What It Feels Like To Be ‘Touched Out’

Posted on 08/07/2023 by Boris Clair

As a breastfeeding mother of three, Krystal Duhaney is no stranger to the sensation of being “touched out”. She describes it as “reaching the point where you just want a little breathing room from constant physical contact”.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love cuddling and snuggling with my little ones, but there are moments when I feel like I’ve had enough,” Duhaney, a registered nurse, lactation consultant and founder of MilkyMama, told HuffPost.

“Imagine having tiny hands tugging at your clothes, clinging to your legs, lifting up your shirt, and constantly wanting to be held. It can be overwhelming, especially when you add breastfeeding into the mix. Sometimes, all you want is a moment of personal space to recharge and gather your thoughts.”

This phenomenon is most often reported by mothers, but any parent or caregiver can experience it. Some have described it as a skin-crawling or claustrophobic feeling. For Duhaney, being touched out can make her feel “a bit irritable and impatient”.

“It’s like my body is craving a break from the never-ending physical demands,” she said. “It doesn’t mean I love my children any less. It’s just a natural reaction to the constant touch and sensory stimulation.”

Parents may feel touched out for any number of reasons. The near-constant physical contact when taking care of young children, especially, is a big contributor – think nursing, rocking, holding, cuddling, baby-wearing, co-sleeping, etc. Personal space and alone time are in short supply when you have a baby or a toddler.

“Breastfeeding demands, especially when coupled with frequent nursing sessions, can add to the feeling of being touched out,” Duhaney said.

“Sometimes, all you want is a moment of personal space to recharge and gather your thoughts.”

– Krystal Duhaney, mother and lactation consultant

Plus, there’s the “sensory overload from the combination of physical touch, noise and other stimuli,” which can be overstimulating to moms, she added. This may be especially pronounced for mothers with ADHD or other neurodivergent parents.

The heavy mental and emotional burdens of modern parenthood – like the pursuit of trying to “do it all” – likely play a role in feeling touched out, too, experts say.

“There isn’t much space left to think about yourself when you are worrying and thinking about your child, spouse, and all the other tasks you are responsible for,” marriage and family therapist Gayane Aramyan told HuffPost.

Naturally, all of this can take a toll on your relationship with your partner, too. Aramyan said her clients who are mothers often tell her they “literally don’t want to be touched anymore at the end of the day” and “just want their own space”.

“It’s really hard to make space for the family members who are not infants to have close intimate touching when you have an infant hanging off of you all day,” psychologist Louise Packard told Motherly.

If you’re feeling touched out, here’s how to cope

“Whether it’s enjoying a cup of coffee alone, taking a quick walk, or simply locking yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes of peace, those moments of solitude can work wonders," Duhaney said. — “Whether it’s enjoying a cup of coffee alone, taking a quick walk, or simply locking yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes of peace, those moments of solitude can work wonders,” Duhaney said.

First, know that as unpleasant as this sensation can be, it is a very common experience and is in no way a reflection of your parenting abilities or the love you have for your family.

Mums often feel guilty for being touched out, but they shouldn’t: Bodily autonomy is a “normal human need,” psychologist Jessica Combs Rohr wrote in a blog post for Psychology Today.

“A fun thing about motherhood is you almost always feel like you are being a bad mother if you have a normal human reaction to difficult experiences,” she wrote in the story.

When you’ve reached your touch limit, communicate that to your family. Explain that you love them, but you need some time or space for yourself right now.

When you’re not so overwhelmed, have an honest conversation with your partner about what you’re feeling. That will help them understand what you’re dealing with and realise it isn’t personal.

“Set some boundaries and ask for support,” Duhaney said. “Your partner, family or friends can help share the load and give you some breathing room.”

Try to schedule some “me” time every day — even if a few minutes is all you can manage.

“It can be as small as 10 minutes before everybody else waking up,” Aramyan said. “Or taking 10 minutes during your child’s nap to not do anything but sit and read, or meditate. It’s important to fill our cup not just with girls’ nights or date nights or exercise, but to have something that happens daily for us to get something done for ourselves.”

Duhaney said it’s also important to give yourself permission to take breaks without feeling guilty about it.

“It’s OK to step away and recharge. Find moments throughout the day to steal some personal space,” she said. “Whether it’s enjoying a cup of coffee alone, taking a quick walk, or simply locking yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes of peace, those moments of solitude can work wonders.”

Connecting with other parents who understand firsthand what you’re going through can also help.

“Find online communities or local mom groups where you can share your experiences, vent, and get advice from moms who’ve been there,” Duhaney said. “Sometimes just knowing you’re not alone in feeling touched out can bring a sense of relief and validation.”

If your partner is the one feeling touched out, here’s how you can help

If you’re the partner of a touched-out mum, be supportive and understanding. Respect her boundaries, which may mean putting your desire for physical affection on the back burner temporarily.

“Show empathy and understanding by acknowledging her feelings and validating her experiences,” Duhaney said. “Let her know that you’re there for her and ready to help in any way you can.”

Make sure you’re pulling your weight when it comes to caregiving and other household responsibilities. See where you can do more to lighten her load.

“Offer to take over some tasks, such as feeding, diaper changes or bedtime routines, to give her a break,” Duhaney said. “By sharing the load, you’ll provide her with the opportunity to recharge and have some much-needed personal space.”

“Pay attention to signs of her feeling overwhelmed and step in to assist before she reaches her breaking point.”

– Duhaney

Be proactive about stepping up without always needing prompting or reminders from your partner.

“Anticipate her needs and offer help without waiting to be asked. Pay attention to signs of her feeling overwhelmed and step in to assist before she reaches her breaking point,” Duhaney said. “Proactively taking care of household chores or offering a listening ear can go a long way in easing her burden and making her feel supported.”

For the time being, sex may feel like yet another thing she has to do for someone else — but there are many other ways to foster intimacy. Maybe that’s getting a date night on the calendar once a month, setting aside 15 minutes at night to talk about stuff other than kids or household logistics, holding hands while watching TV or giving her a foot rub after a long day.

Encourage your partner to prioritize time for herself and help her make it happen.

“Support her in taking time for herself, whether it’s a relaxing bath, a solo outing, or pursuing a hobby she enjoys,” Duhaney said. “Offer to take care of the kids during those times, so she can fully focus on rejuvenating herself.”

Do You Actually Forget The Pain Of Labour? This Mum Did Six Months After Giving Birth

Posted on 07/07/2023 by Boris Clair

A mum has revealed how just six months after giving birth, she can’t remember the pain of labour. And it’s something many – but not all – can relate to.

“My husband thinks this is crazy. But I didn’t know if anyone else experienced this,” revealed the parent. “I gave birth almost six months ago and I don’t remember the pain.”

The phenomenon is not uncommon. Lots of women report not quite remembering the sensations of labour, even though they recall it was painful for them at the time.

“I vividly remember being in pain, and clutching the hospital bed rails with all my might, but the actual pain, [I] can’t recall it for anything,” said the mum, taking to Reddit.

“It blows my mind. Like I know I had contractions for hours, but I couldn’t even tell you what they felt like.”

Other parents were equally baffled and shared their own experiences of not remembering the sensations of birth. “I remember between (screaming through) contractions I said to my husband, ‘how do siblings exist?!’” said one.

“Two weeks later I’m picking out sibling names.”

But not everyone shared the reduced memory recall, as far as pain was concerned. “I can vividly recall every single pain and I’ve already decided to never do it again,” said one parent.

Another added: “Can’t relate. The pain haunts me daily.”

So, why is this?

Unsurprisingly it’s not a well-studied area, but one study of women’s memory of labour pain – from two months to five years after birth – found memory of labour pain did decline in a lot of women over a period of time.

But for those who had a negative overall experience of childbirth, the memory of labour pain didn’t decline. What’s more, women who had an epidural – suggesting they experienced extreme pain during birth – reported higher pain scores at all time points, suggesting that these women remember the ‘peak pain’ of labour.

In a piece for the Conversation, Monique Robinson, of the Telethon Institute for Child Health Research at The University of Western Australia, suggested lots of other factors can play a part in how a birth is remembered. So things like: satisfaction with care-providers, choice of pain relief, level of medical intervention, complications, outcomes for the baby, and other personal factors.

All of these would add up to either form a positive or negative birth experience. Positive experiences are less likely to be associated with pain, whereas negative ones are.

Discussing why some people might forget the pain of birth, Jennifer Conti, clinical professor of obstetrics and gynaecology at Stanford University, told Self her theory is that from an evolutionary perspective, the survival of our species could depend on women forgetting the pain of labour and birth.

“If you can’t remember how intense your [birth experience] was, maybe you’re more likely to do it again and reproduce,” she said.

“I often hear women say that they can remember that they were in pain during labour, but can’t actually recall the perception or intensity that well. On the other hand, there are women who swear they remember the event like it happened yesterday.”

These Soothing Illustrations Are The Perfect Balm For Overwhelmed Mums

Posted on 15/01/2023 by Boris Clair

Motherhood is full of conflicting emotions. It can be beautiful and joyful and fun, but it can also be demanding and confusing and overwhelming at the same time.

In artist and poet Azalia Suhaimi’s illustrations, the Malaysia-based mother of two offers comforting reminders to parents navigating these ups and downs.

Many of her illustrations, which she shares on her Instagram account, @azaliasuhaimi, begin with the words “Dear Mama.” But she said they apply to dads and other caregivers, too.

“My artworks are titled ‘Dear Mama’ as they mostly began as love letters to myself, like self-reminders on a bad day,” Suhaimi told HuffPost. “When I decided to share them with the world, I then began building a community of like-minded mothers, all of whom I have really loved connecting and exchanging stories with.”

Suhaimi started her Instagram account several years ago when she was “going through the postpartum blues.” At that time, she would share her own photography with poetic captions that talked honestly about motherhood.

“I scrolled through social media and saw all these picture-perfect Instagram photos of mothers enjoying their new babies,” she said. “I felt weird and alone and left out, like I was the only one struggling with these difficult feelings while every other mother out there seemed to be having the best time of their lives.”

Then, during the Covid lockdowns, she took a digital art course online and began creating illustrations for her posts.

In her work, she enjoys capturing the raw and real moments of parenthood, raising awareness of maternal mental health issues and offering solidarity to other parents in the thick of it.

Suhaimi’s kids are now ages eight and four. She said this is her favourite phase of motherhood so far.

“I can finally sit a bit and reflect on all the lessons I’ve learned from the struggles of early motherhood the past few years. And you can see these reflections on my artworks.”

As an artist, Suhaimi hopes to make parents feel less alone in their own journeys, whatever they’re going through.

“Parenthood is hard and messy as it is, so it’s nice to have solidarity, and a safe space where we can talk about the hard things without being judged and where our feelings are validated,” she says. “And I hope my artworks provide that safe space.”

Another important part of Suhaimi’s message is reminding parents to give themselves more grace.

“Some of my darkest moments of parenthood were really made darker simply because I wasn’t kind to myself,” she said. “I easily judged myself and concluded myself as a bad mom when what I faced was simply just a bad day.”

For Suhaimi, learning to practise self-compassion made “a whole lot of difference” in how she parents her kids and in her motherhood experience.

“So I hope that my artwork can help remind other parents and myself too – I still need the reminder – to practise self-compassion,” she says.

To see more of Suhaimi’s work, you can follow her on Instagram or visit her website. Below, check some of her heartfelt illustrations.

I Thought I Had Flu. It Turned Out To Be Mastitis

Posted on 04/01/2023 by Boris Clair

I lay in bed realising I’d finally succumbed. I had flu. The self-diagnosis made sense: our then 15-month-old had picked up her billionth illness of the year from childcare and was suffering with a high temperature and the kind of chesty cough that rattled her ribcage. Meanwhile, flu cases were on the rise in the UK.

I’d spent a sleepless night shivering in bed one moment, my teeth chattering aggressively, and sweating buckets the next. By morning, my body ached and I was so tired I was unsure I’d be able to move out of bed. Spoiler alert: I had to because, as we all know, toddlers do not stop. Even when sick.

I did a Covid test, and it came back negative. I spent the rest of the day trying to look after my daughter while feeling like I’d been hit by a ton of bricks. It meant back-to-back Hey Duggee and lots of reading – she’d fetch books and sit on top of me while I lay on the sofa, so I didn’t really have much say on the matter.

One of my boobs started to feel a bit tender as the day went on but I brushed it off. In over a year of breastfeeding I’d never had mastitis, so I presumed I wouldn’t develop it now – the stories I’d heard about it were always from those experiencing it in the few months after having babies.

Plus, there had been multiple occasions where my breast had felt a little bit sore due to engorgement but I’d always managed to clear the issue at home.

The following day I still felt awful and noticed that my tender boob now had a red patch on one side and, oh my word, the pain. It had progressed to the point where it hurt to even put a bra on. I strongly suspected it might not be flu that was causing my body aches, fatigue and shivering after all, so I called the doctor’s surgery and managed to bag an appointment that afternoon.

After a quick examination, with my GP exclaiming how hot and red the area was, she confirmed I had mastitis – where the breast becomes inflamed, usually as a result of an infection. This issue mostly occurs in those who are breastfeeding when there’s a build-up of milk in one of the breasts or a blocked milk duct hasn’t cleared properly.

The pain can be extreme. I now fully understand why Stacey Solomon once described it as feeling like her boobs were “on fire”.

The diagnosis made sense. I’d been reducing my feeds for a few weeks to try and wean my daughter off milk during the day, so she was only really having the odd feed at night.

Still, I was surprised I hadn’t developed an issue sooner, and that the pain had been secondary to my flu symptoms – but maybe I’d just become used to that dull ache that comes from not having your boobs emptied properly.

Symptoms of mastitis include:

a swollen area on your breast that may feel hot and painful to touch The area may become red but this can be harder to see if you have darker skin

a wedge-shaped breast lump or a hard area on your breast.

a burning pain in your breast that might be constant or only when you breastfeed

nipple discharge, which may be white or contain streaks of blood

flu-like symptoms such as aches, a high temperature, chills and tiredness

Antibiotics were prescribed (the go-to treatment for mastitis) and within a few days I was feeling right as rain again – no shivers, no shakes, and a very happy breast. Since then, I’ve had a few issues with blocked ducts, but I’m no longer complacent. Whenever I’ve felt a twinge of tenderness, I’ve promptly dealt with the issue to avoid it developing into mastitis again.

This has often meant putting a warm wet cloth on the tender area, or having a warm shower or bath. But the NHS also recommends continuing to breastfeed, starting feeds with the sore breast first to empty any backed up milk; expressing milk between feeds; and massaging the area of the breast where it’s tender.

It’s important to note that mastitis can occur in anyone, even men. When it’s not caused by breast milk building up, it may be down to: smoking, damaging the nipple, breast implants, having a weak immune system, or shaving/plucking hairs from around the nipples.

If you’re experiencing flu-like symptoms and breast pain which doesn’t go away after 24 hours, speak to your GP. Don’t struggle on or brush it off, as the sooner you get it treated, the sooner you’ll feel better.

And if you experience recurrent mastitis, it’s definitely worth speaking to a midwife, health visitor or breastfeeding specialist who can help you get to the bottom of why.

Help and support:

You can call the National Breastfeeding Helpline on 0300 100 0212 (9.30am to 9.30pm, daily)
Get breastfeeding support from La Leche League.

Obstetrician Explains What Actually Happens Behind The Curtain During A C-Section

Posted on 05/12/2022 by Boris Clair

We all know vaguely what happens when you have a caesarean section – you’re given anaesthetic, a cut is made in your abdomen and then, minutes later, your baby is pulled out and passed to you. It’s a magical medical moment.

But it turns out there’s actually a hell of a lot going on from the obstetrician’s perspective. More than you could possibly know.

A fascinating Tiktok video explaining the anatomy of a C-section has been viewed more than 11 million times after showing just how complicated the surgery can be.

Using various sheets of coloured fabric and paper, Tina (@mamma_nurse) explained how there are various layers that surgeons have to cut through, before moving muscle out of the way and then manoeuvring past organs – and that’s before you’ve even reached the area where the baby is.

Most information given on C-sections by healthcare providers is lacking in details. Probably for good reason.

But if you’re the type of person who likes to be super informed ahead of birth – or you’re just really curious as to what the surgery involves – we asked Meg Wilson, an obstetrics and gynaecology consultant at London Gynaecology and the Whittington Hospital, to walk us through the process.

(Just a head’s up, there are some quite graphic images below.)

What happens during a C-section

First up, you’ll be given some pain relief – either a regional or general anaesthetic – and a catheter is fitted. Your abdomen will be cleaned and a drape will be put up so you won’t be able to see the surgery unfold.

An obstetrician will make a 10 to 15cm cut along the skin at the bottom of your abdomen, just at the top of your pubic hairline.

The first layer they cut through is the skin, and that cut also goes through a layer of fat. “Then you come down on to the rectus sheath – a white fibrous layer – that is covering the muscles of the abdomen,” says Wilson.

They’ll make a cut in that as well and all these cuts will be done in the same direction: horizontally.

Next up, they come to the rectus muscles “which people know as their six pack muscles,” says the obstetrician.

These two muscles run as a strip down the abdomen and where they join together is something called the linea alba. It’s a weak area which surgeons can basically “poke through” to open it up, says the obstetrician.

“That takes you into your abdomen, by making that little hole, and then you’re into what we call the peritoneal cavity which is the proper wet inside of your tummy.”

Surgeons will make the hole a bit bigger by basically moving the two muscles apart.

“You’re pulling them out to the side to make a hole there,” says Wilson. “I think it’s really important that people know you’re not actually cutting muscles, you’re just shifting them apart.”

When in the peritoneal cavity, surgeons will get a nice view of the surface of your bladder and then the main event: the womb itself.

Now comes the really interesting bit. They have to actually move organs to get to where they need to be – so yes, they shift your bladder out of the way.

“You lift up a little bit of something called the peritoneum,” she explains, which is “like a sheet that runs over the womb and the bladder.” Surgeons will make a small hole in that “sheet” and this allows them to see where the bladder is attached to the womb.

“It allows you to push the bladder out of the way and push it downwards a little bit,” Wilson says, noting it only gets moved about 1-2cm.

In the operating room, they have a specially designed surgical instrument that goes in to protect the bladder and hold it down and out of the way.

The surgeon cuts into the womb (again, a horizontal cut in the same direction as the skin cut). The womb is a muscle so they expect to have some bleeding at this point as muscles have a strong blood supply.

In cases where a parent has placenta previa – where the placenta completely or partially covers the opening of the uterus – it might be a bit more complicated, she adds, and they might have to cut higher up in the womb or even through the placenta, which could result in more blood loss.

“Then you’re going to hit the membranes around the baby – the amniotic sac – and you see that bulging out when you reach it,” Wilson continues. “You keep going and make a little hole in that with the scalpel and usually lots of amniotic fluid all comes spilling out in a big gush.”

At this point it’s all about getting the baby out. In a straightforward pregnancy the baby will be in a head down position, so they’ll get a nice view of that.

The retrieval process involves a bit of teamwork. “You put your hand in and slip your hand around the baby’s head – like a cupping action – and your assistant will put lots of pressure on the top of the woman’s tummy, pushing right at the top of womb where the baby’s feet are, and you’ve got your hands acting as a little slide for the baby to come out,” she says.

The head pops out, then comes the neck, and then there’ll be a bit more gentle pulling to deliver the shoulders one at a time, and then the body “slips out relatively easily after”.

Doctors work to remove a baby from a woman's uterus during a c section. — Doctors work to remove a baby from a woman’s uterus during a c section.

At this stage the curtain is often lowered and the parent(s) can see their baby and hold them. They tend to let the umbilical cord pulsate for at least a minute to give the baby beneficial nutrients and then they’ll clamp the cord, cut it and hand the baby to the midwife who will wrap them up and dry them off.

“Then it’s a case of removing the placenta, which is still stuck on to the lining of the inside of the womb,” says Wilson. “We pull a little bit on the cord and the placenta will be detaching.”

After the placenta has been removed, surgeons will then clean out the inside of the womb which Wilson says is “a very simple action” of rubbing a swab around the insides of the cavity “to make sure there’s no little bits of membrane or last little threads of placenta that are still there”.

The mum will still be bleeding at this point so time is of the essence to get the womb stitched up again. Once that’s done, surgeons will take a moment to do a check and assess that there’s no additional bleeding anywhere.

At this stage, she says, they clean away any spilt fluid and blood that may have collected in the sides of the pelvis using a swab. They also check the womb is contracted and that the ovaries and fallopian tubes look normal.

“It’s just an opportunity to do a health check because you’ve got the tummy open and it’s a relatively straightforward thing to do,” she adds.

The instrument protecting the bladder is then taken out and “then you allow everything to fall back into place,” adds Wilson. “The bladder will go back to where it was originally placed and those two rectus muscles that you held open to get into the cavity of the tummy will fall back into place as well.

“You don’t routinely close the rectus muscles … they will come back together naturally and reform their meeting point.”

The next layer that’s surgically closed is the rectus sheath, which is the layer just beneath the fat. “We sometimes put a stitch in the fat layer but for most women we then just close the skin with another running stitch,” she adds.

“By routine we remove all the drapes and clean any collected blood that’s in the vagina,” she adds, “and make sure there’s no clots of blood or anything.”

At this point they might put in a painkiller suppository and a dressing is placed over the c-section wound. The whole process is complete in less than an hour.

This Is How Much Debt Maternity Leave Is Putting Women In

Posted on 13/06/2022 by Boris Clair

Babies can come at the most surprising moments in life. And for many people, they arrive at a point where your personal finances aren’t at their strongest.

In fact, some women entering maternity leave are doing so without any savings at all.

Reduced pay during this time coupled with the costs of a newborn means many mums have to borrow money to get by. And some are being left in debt.

A study of parents by finance company Credit Karma found that a quarter of parents get into maternity leave without any money saved, while 26% of women get into debt while on their maternity leave.

The amount in borrowing has increased by £560 since 2018, the company says, taking the average borrowed per parent up to £2,800.

Those with student loans face the harshest outcomes as the interest rate on those loans remains seriously high while they are on leave and unable to pay it off.

Credit Karma said women with interest loans accrue an average of £1,770 loan interest in just six months of leave.

Given the cost of living crisis, which is seeing bills go up as never before, this paints a dire picture for new parents.

Akansha Nath, head of partnerships at Credit Karma UK said: “Women are often disadvantaged financially throughout their life, and the responsibility to give birth plays a huge role in this gender disparity.

“At a time when the cost of living is affecting most people, and every penny counts, it’s more important than ever that women take advantage of any support available to them.”

These debts, even if eventually paid off, can then follow women into life, affecting their credit score and therefore their ability to buy homes and other goods.

Credit Karma said maternity-affected credit scores can set women back an average £17,000 in interest over the course of their lifetimes.

If you are struggling with maternity debt, there are resources that can help.

Step Change has a benefit checker, as well as list of grants available to expectant parents. The website also offers free money management tools designed to help people with their finances, without judgement.

These Photos Show The Unique Bonds Between Black Mothers And Their Sons

Posted on 08/05/2022 by Boris Clair

I’ve always found it endearing the way men pay homage to the mothers and matriarchs in their lives. We love songs like Tupac’s Dear Mama” and Bill Withers’ “Grandma’s Hands.” We witness the robust relationship between Kanye West and his late mother, Donda, who was undoubtedly his biggest fan, in the documentary Jeen-Yuhs: A Kanye Trilogy. We heard the gut-wrenching cries of George Floyd calling out for his mother moments before his death in 2020.

Black motherhood has often been centered in the analysis of the Black family — and for Black men, the maternal connection is vital, political and liberating. These affirmations are dedicated to women whose labor and love are far-reaching and priceless. The vocal appreciation is always welcomed, especially when the work of mothers has often been overlooked.

“My mother is a force of nature. If she wants to get something done, it’s getting done. I think that’s been pretty evident in the course of her journey,” said Sulaiman Rashid, a 20-year-old college student in Washington, DC, whose mother raised four kids. “My siblings and I have different career paths, but we are all grounded in the desire to create change, and that stems from my mom’s passion to help and to serve others and to aid in the betterment of the world.”

I wanted to explore the relationships between sons and their mothers. In this series of portraits, I photographed families and asked the sons to share some perspectives of the role their mothers had in their lives. From guidance on love, career and education to artistic inspiration and global travel, we see an expansive view of the strong bonds between Black sons and their mothers.

Diane Redfern

Sons: Christopher and Charles Tarpley

My mother, commonly known as Lady D, is a resilient and confident mother. She has a jazzy personality and is a strong woman of faith. She raised my brother and I to become the gentlemen we are today. – Charles

My mother’s favourite saying is “I’m gonna tell you what God loves … the truth.” This is what I admire about my mother the most, her love of God. She has such a strong will to never give up no matter how tough things may be raising twins. – Chris

Tamara Redfern

Sons: Yaseen Ellison and Mujahid Ellison

My mother has always been a source of light in my life. Across time and space – from my earliest memories in the US to years later and continents away – this has rung true. The continuum of joy and love surrounding my mother could not be summarised by a discrete moment. How would I describe my mother, who first showed me the magic and vibrancy of life? Who taught me firm confidence in my ability to grow, adapt, achieve and inspire?

I realise I don’t have to isolate any single experience to highlight who she is when everyone who encounters her is liberated by her grace and kindness, and when all spaces she walks through are automatically elevated by her presence. It is no wonder Allah says heaven lies at the feet of the mothers. I love you, Mom. – Yaseen

When I think of my mother, my thoughts often associate her with the moon. Her radiant, smiling face is akin to the light of the moon on a clear night sky. Her sound judgment and listening ear have served as a therapy to the many problems I’ve come to her with over the years. Her belief and willingness to lend a helping hand to me, unwavering, in times when I felt all was lost. Time after time, failure after failure, my mother has always been by my side. The best person to have around when sharing good news, as her pure, bona fide joy for you can be experienced by anyone who has interacted with her. The funny thing is my mother has taught me virtually everything I need to survive and thrive on my own, but hates it when I’m not around. There’s no better feeling than being capable of being alone but still having someone who never wants you to be alone. She’s my light and my guidance; my mother is my moon. I love you, Mom. – Mujahid

Aisha Hassan

Son: Bilal Hassan

Ummi is very special to me; she means the world to me. She is my friend, travel buddy and confidant. I love being around her. She raised me into the young man that I am today. She is generous, caring, loving and not afraid to speak her mind. She was literally my first teacher. I was homeschooled from kindergarten to sixth grade by her and my father, who has since passed away. Back then, we didn’t have all of the home-schooling resources that exist today. Now, homeschooling is this big thing with programmes that you can do online. She created an amazing curriculum for us. She was extremely resourceful in making sure that we had an optimal learning experience. We did so much with very little. We had so much fun on our extended learning library trips. She is a genius. I could never repay her for how much she has poured into me. – Bilal

Jamilah Rashid

Son: Sulaiman Rashid

My mother is a force of nature. If she wants to get something done, it’s getting done. I think that’s been pretty evident in the course of her journey. My siblings and I have different career paths, but we are all grounded in the desire to create change, and that stems from my mom’s passion to help and to serve others and to aid in the betterment of the world. I love her because she gave that to me. I can’t describe all the ways and reasons why I love her. As I grow into a man, I hope that my need for her doesn’t wane or fade. When I was younger, I needed her to read me bedtime stories, and what I need from her now is guidance in selecting a companion and partner. She did a really great job, and I’d be very blessed to find someone like her. I’m grateful to her every single day for who she is as a mother, wife and a person. – Sulaiman

Adama Delphine Fawundu

Sons: Amal Buford, Kofi Buford and Che Buford (not pictured)

My mom set the standard and laid the foundation. She’s always been so driven and always accomplishes what she sets her mind to. There are so many roles that a mother can fulfil: a provider, a protector, a friend, an inspiration. She does it all. Some of my most fond memories are of us getting up really early and riding the subway to school. Even though it was the crowded subway, it felt like just us; it was so warm. We would have some of the best conversations. We would talk about anything and everything. We would read together; we would do math problems together. I love thinking about those times. It makes me nostalgic. You don’t realise how important that is, and I don’t ever want to take that for granted. It’s never been a question as to whether my brothers and I were her priority. She would drop us off and then have to go work her own job. It’s a job within a job. I’m older and I live on my own; I’m independent, but my mother is still my biggest inspiration. – Amal

My mother introduced me to so much. The knowledge and experiences that she imparted on me shattered the limitations that would otherwise be present in my life. It’s the reason why my creativity flourishes. We’ve traveled together. She took me to Sierra Leone, New Orleans, Phoenix, so many places. When we travel, we have fun, but we also learn about the land, the monuments, the historical connections. Our travels showed me the beauty of different cultures and that there are many ways of living. I love my mother. She always supported me. – Kofi

Karen D. Taylor

Sons: Chenzira Taylor Lewis and Siyaka Taylor Lewis

I have always been enamoured by my mother’s unadulterated focus and ability to create as an artist. It’s always helped me to see her not only as a mum, but also as an artist and creative in her own right. And it’s been inspiring to see her flourish throughout my life in her different creative identities. She always encouraged my autonomy and inquisitiveness and aided my creative spirit. Her determination demonstrated that my dreams and creative endeavours are attainable. ― Chenzira

I see my mother as a community pillar, a preservationist of Blackness and Black culture and Black excellence. She is a preserver of the relic, an educator, a nurturer, a policer of integrity. I love the uniqueness of who she is, her quirks, her silliness, her strength and intelligence. She is very New York to the core; she is an intellectual, a scholar with the grit of the jazz nightlife scene. Most definitely a music snob, jazz and blues head, creatively impulsive, loving, laid back and full of big laughs. At the core, she is serene. She is literally the perfect yin and yang of creativity and strong love. – Siyaka