In a 2020 YouGov poll, 38% of mothers and 14% of fathers said they thought having kids hurt their careers.
That can take the form of reduced hours, taking fewer opportunities, and leaving the workplace entirely, respondents shared. “All of these factors tend to lead to stagnating or lower pay,” YouGov added.
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In a now-deleted Reddit post, a site user asked members of r/AITAH (Am I The A**hole Here) whether that trade-off deserved financial compensation from their spouse.
So, we spoke to divorce lawyer and CEO of OW Lawyers Michelle O’Neil about whether the demands were fair.
A father wants a share of his wife’s property in return for becoming a stay-at-home dad
The post author said his pregnant wife, who makes substantially more money than he does, told him he was expected to become a stay-at-home dad when their first child was born.
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The suggestion – which had not been discussed with the father beforehand – left the poster uneasy because he didn’t like how that might play out in the event of a divorce.
When he brought this up to his wife, he suggested she offer him a share of her property as a safety net in return for the career stagnation, lack of pay, and financial insecurity the lifestyle change could expose him to.
She didn’t seem comfortable with the arrangement, leading the poster to wonder whether or not his demands were unfair.
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A divorce lawyer said his demand makes sense
O’Neil said that in her decades-long career, she’s seen firsthand “how decisions like this can create significant financial disadvantages for the spouse who steps away from their career”.
“While becoming a stay-at-home parent is a deeply personal decision, it must be made with full awareness of the long-term financial risks,” she continued, “particularly in the event of a divorce.”
Additionally, the divorce lawyer calls the discussion – or lack thereof – around the change a “red flag”.
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“When one spouse dictates a major life change rather than engaging in a collaborative discussion, it often signals deeper power imbalances in the relationship which lead to bigger issues,” she told HuffPost UK.
“Decisions about career sacrifices, parenting roles, and financial security should be mutual, not unilateral.”
Explaining that staying home to look after a child can lead to a loss of earning potential, a smaller pension, a lack of asset equality, and financial dependence, O’Neil said the husband’s request for equity in the home is “a smart negotiation move”.
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Though not everyone can offer a share of their home to mitigate those risks, the divorce lawyer advised: “Marriage is a partnership, and both spouses’ contributions – financial and otherwise – must be valued and protected.
“If one spouse makes a career sacrifice, the financial risks should be acknowledged and mitigated before the decision is made, not after.”
A 2011 meta-analysis of studies found that marriage doesn’t actually make couples happier ― if your relationship with your partner wasn’t great before the big day, their research says, it likely won’t become that way afterwards.
That’s why Evon Inyang, a licensed associate marriage and family therapist and the founder of ForwardUs Counselling previously told HuffPost UK that it’s important not to go along with a failing relationship for the sake of it.
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There’s no need to settle for unhappiness “just because invitations have been sent out, the dress has been bought and deposits have been paid,” she wrote.
Still, many of us struggle to recognise when our relationship is “off.” So it’s a good thing u/one-droplet recently asked the netizens of r/AskReddit: “What are the early signs of a failing relationship that most people ignore?”
Here are some of the most-upvoted responses:
1) “Not wanting to talk to them about things you find interesting because you feel their reaction will ruin it.”
11) “Feeling annoyed when you know you have to see them in the evening. Or when you hear them chewing.”
“Or when they start talking and you just wish they would stop soon. Feeling annoyed when they kiss or hug you or give you affection. You might not even know you are annoyed.
“You just get that heavy feeling in your chest when you have to be in their vicinity. You hear an ‘ugh’ go through your mind.”
In a recent Reddit post shared by Twigs-Rain, the Redditor explained that their “husband lent all of our money to his mother” without telling them recently.
They explained that they’d recently totalled their main car, and while their family had a backup vehicle, it wasn’t big enough for their kids and was often used by their husband for work.
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So, they saved up enough for a new vehicle, but their bank didn’t let them withdraw as much as they needed in one day.
To solve the problem, the poster’s husband “transferred the money to his mother’s bank so she could get the money or a cashier’s check out for us.”
Unbeknownst to the poster, though, their mother-in-law needed that £7,500-odd to pay her employees (she’s a business owner).
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Without the poster’s knowledge, their husband turned what was meant to be a transfer into a loan ― and started turning down every car the poster showed her, leaving her confused and without transport.
“The fact that they made the plan together, didn’t consult me, and then hid it from me for a week really pisses me off,” the author wrote.
“It’s now been 15 days, and she still hasn’t paid us back. He says she’s waiting for a bank loan to come through. I feel like at this point she’s more of his wife than I am.”
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We spoke to relationship expert Sofie Roos and Leah Levi, a psychologist and relationships expert at the safety-first dating app Flure, about what to do if your spouse lends money without your permission or even knowledge.
This is called “financial infidelity”
Just as affairs can be emotional as well as physical, Levi told HuffPost UK that your partner can “betray” you with money too.
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“This kind of secrecy about money is called financial infidelity,” she explained.
“Like emotional or sexual infidelity, financial infidelity can create distance between partners and weaken their connection. It can also cause one partner to feel left out and lead to doubts about honesty in other areas of the relationship.”
Roos says that “money is one of the most sensitive topics in a relationship”, adding that a financial misalignment “can really cause relationship problems.”
Money can be tied with respect, loyalty, priority, safety, and equity in your relationship.
So, Levi says, “If your partner is lending money to friends or family without telling you, it can feel like a betrayal and damage trust in your relationship.”
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What can I do if the betrayal has already happened?
Both experts agree with Levi’s advice, to “talk about your financial expectations as a couple and set clear boundaries.”
This is a clear case of the husband overstepping what should have been an obvious “boundary”, however.
If this is the case, you need to let your partner know that what they did hurt you, Roos said.
“Then ask them what their thoughts are about this, let them explain why they did what they did and how they view it now when they know how it made you feel.”
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“From there, you can come up with a plan for how to deal with money overall, but also on how to deal with situations like the one you just were in, something that can re-build your thrust and minimise the risk of something like this happening again.”
As with any other boundary, if your clearly-stated financial needs are being ignored over and over again, it might be time to reconsider the relationship.
A 2018 study found that about 10% of Millenials were hoping their in-laws would disinvite them from Christmas dinner at the last moment.
Regardless of which age group you’re in, you may know the feeling ― whether you outright hate your in-laws or just wish for the comfort of your own Crimbo traditions, it’s no secret some struggle to deal with spouses’ parents at Christmas.
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If you’re among them, I can at least assure you you’re far from alone.
1) “Bought my toddler a gigantic John Deere ride-on tractor toy which is now taking up my entire lounge.”
2) “My MIL bought me a hair brush set. I have alopecia.”
“And I shave the rest so definitely do not need it. She also bought my male partner I floral bath bomb and a Christmas candle set. She does it on my purpose and it winds me up because my partner spends so much time looking for the perfect gifts for them!” Abz75
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3) “Mother-in-law (who lives in a posh apartment and dresses in Gucci) arrived at my daughter’s for Christmas day. Her contribution was a bottle of lime cordial.”
8) “They turned up just in time to sit on their arses scrolling for an hour while we prepared both days’ Christmas meals, and returned to the couch immediately when it was time to clear up.”
“Then when we’d waited until after lunch and a walk to open the presents so that everyone would be there, they decided they needed a snack and made the rest of the family sit waiting for them to work out where the snacks were, then they returned with their snack without even considering asking if anyone else wanted anything.” u/bluntbangs
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9) “Argued that all TV on Christmas day had to be live, and not recorded months before.”
10) “MIL saw the mountain of ingredients and other things I had bought for Christmas dinner and desserts. She was happy with our plan and didn’t want to change anything.”
“As I’m assembling a massive trifle (made from scratch), after cooking for hours, she waltzes in with a huge jelly dessert and a prepared ham under the other arm.
There’s obviously no room in the fridge and of course, absolutely no way the FOUR of us will be in any way able to eat all of it.
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I didn’t say anything of course but I’m mightily pissed off.” u/daniel625
11) “We woke up early to FaceTime them when they were all together for Christmas and my MIL then spent 25 minutes going one by one through the Christmas cards one of them made with AI.”
“She’d already shared all of the images via text.” u/annedroiid
Do you have anything to add? Let us know in the comments!
Even the healthiest long-term relationships have their fair share of ups and downs. So how do you know when you’re wading through some choppy-but-temporary waters versus when the relationship is seriously in decline?
We asked couples therapists to share some of the not-so-obvious signs a marriage may be heading toward divorce. Here’s what to look out for, according to our experts:
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1. You’ve stopped fighting with each other
This one may seem counterintuitive at first because many people believe that less arguing is indicative of a relationship’s strength, said Los Angeles marriage and family therapist Abigail Makepeace.
But when a couple no longer has a desire to hash out their issues, it may indicate they’ve become emotionally disengaged.
“The absence of conflict might suggest that one or both partners no longer see the relationship as worth fighting for or, in a broader sense, as worth saving,” Makepeace told HuffPost. “If one partner stops complaining without any resolution to the underlying issues, it could be a sign that they have given up on the relationship and are preparing to leave.”
West Los Angeles clinical psychologist David Narang said he has observed this while working with male patients in heterosexual marriages. At first, their wives may express their sadness and anger when they feel deprived of emotional connection. This generates conflict and gets the husbands’ attention. But when the wives stop sharing their frustrations, the husbands are often relieved. They figure all is well in the marriage‚ but this assumption is “an error with tragic consequences,” Narang told HuffPost.
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“In this situation, the wife has not calmed because all is well, but rather because she has given up, is disengaged, and is beginning to live an emotionally separate life,” he continued.
“This makes the marriage extremely fragile because she has given up getting nourishment from the marriage, and thus, she has less and less investment in it. As such, she is much more likely to react by filing for divorce when something goes wrong,” he said.
2. Your lives have become more and more separate
It’s normal and healthy for partners to maintain some independence within a marriage — whether that’s having their own friendships, career aspirations or hobbies. A “growing sense of division,” however, can be a warning sign that the marriage is in decay, Makepeace said.
“In couples experiencing trouble, the trend toward spending more time apart may not just reflect a healthy balance but rather a preference for living separate lives,” she said. “This increasing separation often points to a deeper disconnect and a diminished desire to share experiences together.”
Catherine Falls Commercial via Getty Images
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3. You’re not transparent with one another
Marriage and family therapist Marni Feuerman in Boca Raton, Florida, draws a distinction between privacy and secrecy in a relationship, telling HuffPost: “Privacy is about personal boundaries, while secrecy is about intentionally hiding something.”
If partners have been intentionally keeping secrets from one another, it may signal the marriage is inching toward divorce.
“A lack of trust might be a more obvious reason but there may be more ‘under-the-radar’ type reasons as well,” she said. “For example, one or both of you are more avoidant of intimacy or less willing to take emotional risks with each other so you do not disclose as much about your activities and inner thoughts with your partner. This will certainly erode the emotional connection between you.”
4. You rarely talk about the future
When couples stop discussing their goals or plans for the future, it may indicate a “lack of desire to grow and experience life together,” Makepeace said.
“This absence of future planning often arises from a sense of complacency, where partners become overly comfortable with the present and lose motivation to improve or evolve their relationship,” she continued.
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“Consequently, feelings of stagnation can set in, leading to boredom, a lack of personal and relational growth, and general unhappiness.”
Over time, if a couple can no longer imagine a fulfilling future life together, it can “prompt a reevaluation of the relationship, potentially leading to separation,” Makepeace added.
5. You confide more in other people more than you do in your spouse
Another less obvious sign is if you find yourself opening up to a friend, co-worker or relative than you do your spouse, Feuerman said.
“An intimate bond isn’t built with your partner if you don’t bring your inner world to them regularly, including your dreams, hopes, fears, and so on,” she said. “If someone else knows more about you than your spouse, this is a bad sign for the marriage. Perhaps some solid boundaries need to be put in place with others and more emotional energy put toward your marriage?”
One important note here: Too often, unhappy partners don’t tell their spouse how miserable they are “until it’s almost too late,” marriage and family therapist Becky Whetstone in Little Rock, Arkansas, told HuffPost. That’s why it’s so important to speak up when you’re struggling rather than bottling it up. And don’t hesitate to lean on outside resources — such as books and professional counselling — to help you rebuild and strengthen the relationship.
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“There is so much to know about having a great marriage,” Whetstone said. “People can’t expect you to wing it; you have to be mindful and deliberate. I tell couples to dig in with a good therapist, let them be their teachers and learn the skills. It’s so worth it.”
Shopping for that special dress is one of the most memorable experiences in the wedding planning process. It can also be incredibly overwhelming as you wade through endless styles, fabrics and opinions.
“Wedding dress shopping entails a deeply emotional journey, especially for those experiencing it for the first time,” Anna Ramirez, head of design at Pronovias, told HuffPost. “The process serves as a learning curve for many brides, as initial perceptions of gown styles often evolve during fittings, revealing what truly complements their body and boosts their confidence. It is common for brides to discover a style they hadn’t anticipated as their own.”
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As the popularity of shows like “Say Yes to the Dress” have shown, there’s no shortage of opportunities for fun and drama in the world of bridal gowns.
To help keep any stress at bay, we asked wedding dress experts to share some common mistakes they see people making as they shop for their special day. Read on for the biggest missteps to avoid and some advice for making the wedding dress shopping process as enjoyable as possible:
Bringing Too Many People
“When you bring all of your friends and family to your appointment, you run the risk of being overwhelmed by too many opinions — even the well-intentioned ones,” said Nikki Deeds, global brand director at Allure Bridals. “Your mother-in-law may only like ballgowns, while your sister loves a vintage silhouette, and your mom insists on a traditional long sleeved lace gown like the one she wore in 1985. It’s hard enough to find the perfect dress, so why overcomplicate things with too many voices?”
She recommended bringing only a couple of people who make you feel your most relaxed and beautiful on the main shopping journey and then inviting the larger group to a final fitting or other appointment after you’ve said “yes” to your dream dress.
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“Filter down your guest count to two people who are very close to you, that you have a very comfortable, loving relationship with,” echoed bridal designer Katherine Tash. “You need people cheering you on and wanting what’s best for you, not criticising or bringing down the energy.”
Wearing The Wrong Undergarments
“Don’t wear bright coloured underwear,” Tash advised. “It seems like it would be common sense to wear skin tone, but I consistently see brides forget and then become distracted by the colour showing through and asking if the gown is see-through.”
Wear a thong or seamless panty that blends in with your skin tone. Many brides opt for a well-fitting nude strapless bra or pasties, and some shop in shapewear as well.
“The right undergarments can significantly impact how a dress looks and feels,” said designer and Studio Levana founder Evgenia Shimanov. “Consider these elements when trying on dresses to get a complete picture. Nowadays, there are plenty of options for bras, spanks and other supportive undergarments.”
Shopping Without An Open Mind
“You may think you know exactly what you want in a wedding look, but I can’t tell you how many people change their mind after they try on ‘the one,’” Deeds said. “I’ve seen many a chic minimalist melt at the sight of themselves in a lacy ballgown, so never say never! Try on a bit of everything and see how you feel before narrowing your search on to one particular aesthetic.”
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Look at your first appointment as an opportunity to experiment with different silhouettes, necklines, fabrics, embellishments, etc. Remember that clothes look very different on a hanger or even a mannequin than they do on your body.
“Keep an open mind to unexpected choices that may surprise you,” Shimanov said. “Try on a variety of styles, including those you may not have initially considered.”
Trying On Dresses Outside Your Budget
“My number one tip is simple: Start with the budget,” Deeds said. “Don’t fall prey to trying on the gorgeous but expensive gown featured in the shop window. There is absolutely always going to be something you’ll love in your price range, but if you fall head over heels for an out of budget gown from the start, it’s really hard to come back from that.”
Before you start putting on dresses, get real about your budget, taking into account the cost of accessories like the veil as well.
“I know learning something is out of budget can be annoying and sometimes triggering, but it’s best to do some research and learn what designers or bridal salons are in budget and which ones aren’t before your appointment,” said Leah Langley-McClean, founder and CEO of elleNelle Bridal. “This can help save time for all parties involved and eliminate some disappointment. Most stores and designers will publish a price range of their dresses or the typical spend of their clients, and a safe strategy is to shop where you fall in the middle of that range.”
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Anchiy via Getty Images
It’s important to establish a budget before trying on dresses.
Waiting Too Long To Start
“With the popularity of fast fashion, some brides make the mistake of shopping too close to their wedding date which limits the selection of designer dresses they can purchase and have altered before the wedding,” said Marissa Rubinetti, executive vice president and chief operating officer at Kleinfeld Bridal. “Brides should shop for their wedding dress nine to 12 months prior.”
Shopping for a wedding dress too late in the process means limiting your options and also potentially having to pay big rush fees.
“Keep in mind that veils and accessories also require time, especially if you’re considering customisation options,” Shimanov said.
Forgetting About Alterations
Another reason it’s important to get an early start is to give yourself enough time for alterations. It usually takes a few fittings to ensure the dress fits perfectly to your body, and looks and feels the way you want.
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“Allow eight to 10 weeks before the wedding for the first alteration appointment,” Rubinetti said.
Don’t forget about those all-important alterations as you calculate the timing and costs involved in your wedding dress shopping.
“Always account for the cost of alterations when determining your wedding dress budget,” Langley-McClean said. “It’s rare that your dress will fit perfectly, even with a made-to-measure dress. Our bodies are all different and alterations allow you to perfectly contour the dress to the unique shape of your body,” pointing out that alterations can add $300 to $1,000 to the cost of the dress.
She also advised getting in touch with an alterations specialist before shopping if you’re on a tight deadline and buying off the rack.
“They may even be able to jump on the phone with you during your appointment,” Langley-McClean added. “You want something that can be easily altered. The last thing you want to do is find yourself buying a dress 10 sizes too big and thinking the alterations process will be simple. I’m here to tell you, it won’t be.”
Not Doing Your Research
“I always think it helps to be prepared for any situation you’re entering into that can feel high pressure,” Tash said. “So do a little research on what your true style is, and research a store’s stock beforehand to understand which pieces from a designer the store carries.”
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Before going to shops, you can gather style inspiration and get a preliminary sense of your vision from Pinterest, bridal blogs, influencers and more.
“Explore local flagship stores of preferred brands or nearby retailers listed on the brand’s website to try on specific gowns of interest,” Ramirez said. “Compile a list of preferred styles and brand names before your appointment. Sharing this information with the store in advance can help them better understand your preferences.”
Overshopping
“Do not overshop!” Rubinetti said. “Trying on wedding dresses can be exhausting. You should not plan more than two appointments in one day.”
She recommended shopping at a bridal salon with a range of styles you love to allow for some variety, at least at the beginning. Going from store to store and trying on gown after gown can get overwhelming and turn what should be a fun experience into a chore.
“Furthermore, it’s advisable to refrain from exploring other gown options after making a purchase,” Ramirez said. “Continuously browsing can sow doubt and undermine the confidence in your chosen gown. Once you have found the dress that resonates with you, trust that decision and avoid second-guessing. Fashion trends may evolve, but the key is to remember the joy and certainty you felt when you said ‘yes’ to your dress.”
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Ultimately, you want to strike a balance and follow the process that feels right for you.
Julie Sabatino, a wedding stylist and author of “Dressed, Styled, and Down the Aisle: Becoming a Stylish Bride,” recommended figuring out what type of decision-maker you are. Do you need to feel as though you’ve explored every option before deciding, or do you only need to see a sample to make a decision and feel good about it?
“I’ve spoken with SO many brides that tell me they were pressured into purchasing a dress that they weren’t sure about and didn’t feel comfortable in on their wedding day, or worse, they bought another one right before the wedding,” Sabatino said.
Deferring Too Much To Others
“Prioritise your opinion when making decisions about your gown,” Ramirez said. “While input from your entourage can be valuable, remember that this day is about your preferences and feeling your best in your chosen dress.”
Listen to your gut when assessing whether or not you like a particular gown, not what other people say or what’s trendy at the moment.
“I always tell my brides to follow their instincts and follow their own vision and not someone else’s,” said fashion designer and creative director Monique Lhuillier. “A bride that stays true to her personal style and feels happy and confident on her special day will glow from within!”
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Engaging In Negative Self-Talk
“Brides come to appointments and sometimes they are their own worst critic ― focusing on all their flaws and being hyper-critical of their body,” Langley-McClean said. “When those not-so-nice intrusive thoughts creep in and you’re about to go on a self-deprecating bender, I want to encourage brides to immediately stop and think about what it is that you do like about yourself, and say that instead. Yes, we all have our insecurities, but we don’t need to be mean to ourselves about it.”
The wedding dress experience understandably brings a lot of things people are self-conscious about to light, especially when it comes to the shape and size of their bodies. Ramirez emphasised keeping sizes and other numbers out of your mind as the consultant takes your measurements and places your order, especially because these gowns tend to run smaller than standard street size clothing.
“Size is merely a number, and the aim is to procure a gown that fits the bride at her largest measurement, with subsequent alterations tailoring the gown to her specific body shape,” she explained.
And don’t hesitate to talk to the consultant about any areas of sensitivity, whether it’s about physical insecurities or another issue that will affect the shopping experience.
“Be honest with your sales associate and let them know if you have any concerns that they should know about,” advised bridal stylist Jackie Avrumson.
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Having Unrealistic Or Unclear Expectations
“While this is your time to live out your bridal fantasy, some real world considerations will help you pick the best dress for your wedding,” said Daniel Sanchez, creative director at Azazie.
He emphasised the importance of considering budget and season. These elements will also help you develop a clear wedding day vision.
“A lot of details will impact your wedding dress decision ― location, venue terrain, time of day and overall theme,” Sanchez explained. “Shop once you have selected your venue and theme. While shopping on the fly seems fun, many brides later find themselves last minute shopping for another option more in line with their wedding planning.”
The weather is particularly crucial, as choosing a dress without taking that into consideration can lead to physical discomfort.
“A heavy, ornate gown might not suit a beach wedding, and a lightweight dress might be inappropriate for a winter ceremony,” Shimanov said. “Select a dress that not only looks stunning but also feels comfortable to wear throughout your wedding day. Comfort is essential for enjoying every moment without distraction. Ensure the dress allows you to move freely and makes you feel completely at ease.”
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Forgetting To Enjoy It
“So many brides feel disappointed if they don’t find THE dress at the first visit,” Deeds said. “Try to prioritise the journey, not the destination — enjoy the champagne, and time with family and friends, even if it takes two or three trips to your local bridal shops.”
Try to cherish the exciting moments throughout your wedding planning process. It’s meant to be happy, not stressful, so maintain some perspective.
“Remember that dress shopping is such a fun part of getting married,” Tash said. “And the best is yet to come after you walk down the aisle.”
You’ve said your vows, celebrated with your loved ones and now all that’s left to do after your wedding is, uh, prepare for divorce?
According to a barrister at 4PB, Rhiannon Lloyd, this is exactly what you should be doing and, in fact, it’s the most romantic thing you could do for one another as a married couple.
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Speaking exclusively with HuffPost UK, Lloyd said: “The reality of divorce, its brutality, cost and the damage it can inflict, if not handled correctly, on children and families is something any prospective spouses should seriously think about.
“The importance of planning for the eventuality of a split, and minimising it’s impact on you and any future children is underestimated.”
Lloyd wisely added: “What could be more romantic than trying to ensure that you have the best possible chance of remaining a positive presence in each other’s lives and the lives of your future children post any future divorce?”
Well, yes.
How to financially plan for a potential divorce
The barrister recommends that couple start a ‘divorce fund’ to financially see them through any divorce proceedings and ensure that neither party are left out of pocket.
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Lloyd explained: “Whereas prenups plan for management of asset division, they don’t ordinarily address contribution to a fund to manage the cost of any eventual divorce process.
“This is now changing and many couples are opting to make joint (or sole) contributions into a divorce fund as well. A fund is set aside, earmarked for the costs ( or even settlement) of any future divorce often in line with the prenup’s provisions.”
As for how much you should put in a divorce fund? Well, Lloyd says that a ‘sensible’ starting point is £100k. Quite unfathomable to most of us, especially during a cost of living crisis.
However, while this sum may make you gulp, Lloyd warned: “It’s important to point out though that even in modest asset cases costs can spiral into the hundreds of thousands when people litigate unreasonably.”
Eye-watering.
As for the how, Lloyd said: “Any fund would have to be an Escrow or joint mandate account where neither party could withdraw without the consent of the other.
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“It would also be sensible, either as part of a prenup, or by way of a separate written agreement, to set out the terms under which either party could utilise sums from the fund, how any excess was to be treated and the parties’ intentions in respect of the fund generally.”
Keeping a household running smoothly takes a lot of effort. There are the more obvious physical tasks like cooking meals, taking out the rubbish, folding laundry and picking the kids up from school. But it also requires a whole bunch of behind-the-scenes planning, organising, anticipating of needs, decision-making and delegating known as the mental load — an invisible kind of work.
“Women aren’t just doing more labor, the labor they’re doing is mentally and emotionally taxing: anticipating and planning for how to meet the family’s needs,” Laura Danger, an educator who facilitates workshops on domestic labor, previously told HuffPost.
“When you consider, in cis-het couples, who is usually keeping the social calendar, signing kids up for summer camps and ensuring the grocery list is planned and prepared? It’s often defaulted to mom. Doctors, teachers and coaches often dial mom first. Even the vet usually calls mom before dad!”
xavierarnau via Getty Images
Managing kids’ clothes, for example, is a much bigger task than it might seem.
These invisible tasks often take up way more time and energy than meets the eye. One example? Registering a child for kindergarten, which artist Mary Catherine Starr, the woman behind @momlife_comics on Instagram, just did recently for her son.
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“What went into this registration was so much invisible labor,” she told HuffPost. “Keeping an eye out for when registration opened, going online to fill out all of the forms — which includes locating all sorts of paperwork and medical history— calling the registration office when a technical issue comes up on the website, booking a registration appointment to turn in the rest of the paperwork, scheduling a ‘kindergarten screening’ for the child, taking the child to said screening, texting normal child care provider about child being late to child care on registration day, and rearranging work schedule to accommodate kindergarten screening.”
“All of this takes three to five hours out of an already busy schedule, and if they’re not a part of it, their partner has no idea what went into this,” she continued. “It’s something you simply can’t understand unless you’ve lived it.”
We asked moms which invisible tasks on their plate are more taxing than they might appear. Here’s what they told us:
1. Staying on top of kids’ clothes
Lina Forrestal, a content creator and host of The New Mamas Podcast, said keeping her fast-growing baby and toddler’s wardrobes up-to-date with items that fit is a “huge challenge.”
“Everything from pants, shirts, socks and shoes,” she told HuffPost. “Then, there’s the load of having to purchase new things, and put away, donate or sell the old stuff that doesn’t fit anymore. It’s the biggest invisible time suck.”
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Not only that, you also need to make sure the clothes are seasonally appropriate — i.e., ensuring you have the right-size bathing suits for summertime, and sweaters and pants that fit for the cooler months.
2. Meal planning
Caitlin Murray, the creator behind @BigTimeAdulting on Instagram, said that while there are a million items on her invisible labor to-do list, the most all-consuming one is figuring out what her family is going to eat every day. And that doesn’t just mean coming up with meal ideas, it also means finding balanced, nutritious and tasty options that all three of her kids will enjoy.
“I happen to love food, and I also care very much about the level of variety and nutrition my kids are getting. I’m not super strict ― we have plenty of treats ― but I am constantly struggling to think of new ways to get them to eat all the good stuff, too,” she told HuffPost.
“It’s also important to note that, if kids are not enjoying their food, meal time is going to be hell. I’m personally triggered when there are complaints and dissatisfaction with a meal, which is why it’s never as easy as just grocery shopping and cooking,” she added.
For comic artist Debbie Tung, it’s also taking time to carefully meal plan and create a grocery list so that she’s only buying items she knows they’ll use to avoid wasting food.
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“Sometimes I prepare meals in advance if I know I’ll be very busy on a specific day,” she added. “I try to make sure my kid’s diet includes adequate fruits and vegetables daily.”
3. Keeping track of what household items are needed
This one may not seem like a monumental task on its face, but constantly staying on top of which things need to be replaced or replenished — like diapers, toiletries, cleaning supplies, snacks and pet food, just to name a few — requires a fair amount of mental work.
“Why is it usually Mom that knows what products or food items the family is running out of at any given time?” Renee Reina Grenon, host of “The Mom Room” podcast, told HuffPost. “Because, they are the ones packing lunches, making meals, packing the diaper bag, changing diapers, doing bath time, signing the permission slips for field trips, doing the laundry, doing groceries, etc. The list is never-ending.”
4. Managing school schedules, needs and communication
LordHenriVoton via Getty Images
These tasks are just a fraction of the mental load that comes with motherhood.
For Starr, these school-related tasks entail “so much more than meets the eye.”
One example: reading all of the school emails and papers that get sent home and then taking action on anything that requires a response.
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“For some of these items, that means checking my schedule to see if I can take time off of work to volunteer in a classroom or at a school event, or marking the schedule because it’s a half day or there’s a field trip or something we need to plan around,” Starr said.
“For other items that get sent home, it means making sure a child does the work associated with the handout, for example, reviewing spelling words each night or filling out a reading log that needs to be returned every Friday,” she added.
Other tasks include, but are not limited to, signing up for after-school activities, helping with school fundraisers, getting doctor’s notes for excused absences, and responding to questions or notes from teachers.
And don’t forget keeping track of special themed days or spirit weeks “ensuring that these days are on the calendar and remembered and planned for,” said Starr. “‘Is my tie-dyed shirt clean? Today is tie-dye day!’”
5. Making and keeping track of appointments
In writer and content creator CJ Kelsey’s house, she’s the one typically tasked with the scheduling and managing of appointments, she said.
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“My husband will gladly take them, but I’m in charge of not only making my kids’ doctor appointments but now my parents’ as well,” she told HuffPost. “And it takes a lot of time to make the calls and a headache to keep them all organised.”
Not to mention other associated tasks like filling out the forms that may need to be completed prior to the appointment, and making sure the front desk has your up-to-date address and insurance information.
6. Attending birthday parties
Planning a birthday party for your kid can be a lot of work, but it’s a once-a-year event. However, you may be a guest at other kids’ parties a couple of times a month — or more.
“It doesn’t sound like it, but being a guest is a lot of work,” Forrestal said. “From remembering to RSVP, to buying a gift, the mental math of getting to the birthday party location on-time — usually on a weekend with other events going on.”
It’s Time To Stop Taking All Of This Domestic Labor For Granted
We shouldn’t just assume moms are going to be the default parent for virtually every facet of raising a family. Instead, let’s recognise their unseen, unpaid efforts and discuss ways to distribute tasks — especially the mental load — more equitably.
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“When I was younger, my mother did so much for us while working a full-time job,” said Tung. “I never realised that or truly appreciated it until I became a mother myself and tried balancing my job, parenting, household chores and staying on top of my kid’s school work. It’s a huge mental load, and I never stop planning and thinking about what needs to be done.”
“I feel like my husband doesn’t share the same mental load,” she added. “But it would be great if more partners could see things from a mother’s perspective, and show more appreciation and willingness to help.”
“Our society loves to say that raising children is the most important job in the world — but it is never treated as such.”
– Renee Reina Grenon, host of “The Mom Room” podcast
Starr said when her husband handles a family management task that she has historically taken care of, he’ll often tell her he’s surprised it took so long to complete.
“He thinks, for some reason, that it doesn’t take as much time for me because I’m more ‘experienced’ or ‘better’ at handling these kinds of tasks, but the fact of the matter is that these tasks just take a lot of time, no matter who you are,” she said.
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“And if you are carrying the entire task and all of the accompanying tasks that come along with it, managing a family and household takes a lot of time and energy. And this time and energy should not fall on the mom. It should be divided between the parents,” Starr added.
Reina Grenon said she wishes people valued the unpaid work of motherhood the way they do a paying job.
“Our society loves to say that raising children is the most important job in the world ― but it is never treated as such.”
In a recent Reddit post shared to r/AITAH (am I the asshole), site user LowRequirement5182 shared that he’d been having some issues in his marriage.
“Up until about two years ago, things were great. However, a disastrous move, a few family emergencies, and a totalled car have left us in a terrible financial situation,” he wrote.
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“All our savings are pretty much gone, 401k’s empty, and we’re haemorrhaging money.”
He added that the couple had bought a three-bed house in a high-cost-of-living area in the hopes of housing their future kids there. Prior to the move, they’d been doing “amazing financially,” he said.
But they became so squeezed that children went on the back burner as “bringing a kid into this mess right now would kill us.”
OP (the original poster) set an ultimatum
Because money was giving the couple so much stress, the poster wrote he told his wife “one of two things needed to happen: We either sell the house or start making more money.”
Both parties were in low-paying jobs at the time, so the poster thought that meant they’d have to find different work altogether.
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His wife loved her job and the house, so she tried to get a raise from her boss, which was not given to her. But in the six months since his ultimatum, the poster has found a new job and just signed a contract for 35k a year more than his previous role.
The post author claims his wife got annoyed because after he got the higher-paying role, he stipulated she’d definitely have to find a new job.
He stressed that without an added income on top of his pay rise, “Kids, the whole reason we got this damn house would be entirely off the table.”
Then, he and his wife hosted a dinner
The couple more or less blanked each other after the argument, but then the poster’s wife’s parents came over for dinner.
OP says his wife told her parents that maybe he’d stop complaining about money now he’d gotten his new job ― and what he said next silenced the table.
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“I don’t know why I said it, but I replied, ‘Oh, don’t worry, Jen. I won’t have to worry about money a year from now because we’ll be divorced by then,’” he revealed.
“Things got quiet real quick after, and I excused myself. Her parents left shortly after, and she slept on the couch to avoid talking to me.”
He ended his post, “I’ve not talked to [his wife] or her parents since last night. Things are very cold between us right now, and I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage.”
People had *thoughts* in the comments
Redditors didn’t seem to appreciate the poster’s approach to discussing his marriage.
“I don’t know why you’re so worried if you were wrong or not, you’ll be divorced a year from now,” one commenter wrote.
“You know how firearms experts tell people “don’t put your finger on the trigger unless you intend to fire?′ Yeah, don’t say the ‘D’ word unless you’re prepared to get D’d real hard,” another opined.
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“I’m sorry, did you say, ‘I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage?’” yet another site user incredulously asked.
“You told your wife you would be divorcing her within the year in front of her parents. If you can come back from that, it is going to be a LONG and HARD road. You have a right to be angry about everything going on, even a right to divorce her, but if you wanted to repair the marriage at all, that wasn’t the way to do it.”
Filmmaker Sam Taylor-Johnson is acknowledging the intense scrutiny that she and husband Aaron Taylor-Johnson face over their age difference.
“There are times where it’s uncomfortable,” she told The Hollywood Reporter in an interview published Wednesday.
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“Most of the time we zone it out and stay pretty private,” she added. “We tend to retreat. Kids and school runs keep you pretty grounded.”
The acclaimed Hollywood director is 57, while Aaron Taylor-Johnson, who is reportedly being considered as the next James Bond, is 33.
The two met while working on her directorial debut ― a 2009 John Lennon biopic called Nowhere Boy ― when the actor was in his late teens and she was in her early 40s.
The two welcomed their first child together, a daughter named Wylda Rae, in 2010. The couple had a second daughter, Romy Hero, shortly before they tied the knot in 2012.
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Sam Taylor-Johnson, left, and Aaron Taylor-Johnson attend the premiere of “Bullet Train” on July 18, 2022, in Paris, France.
Stephane Cardinale – Corbis via Getty Images
Sam Taylor-Johnson also has two other daughters, Angelica and Jessie Phoenix Jopling, from a previous marriage.
“What you gotta realise … is that what most people were doing in their twenties, I was doing when I was 13,” he said in an interview published last month.
“You’re doing something too quickly for someone else? I don’t understand that,” he added. “What speed are you supposed to enjoy life at? It’s bizarre to me.”
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His wife seems to take a similar approach to relationships, saying in a Guardian story last week that she’s “quite instinctual” and moves at her own pace.
“I’ve gone feet first into everything in my life. I’m always, ‘This seems amazing’, and I jump straight in and go through the experience, whether good or bad,” she explained. “It’s definitely a ‘Fuck it, let’s go with it’ approach. And I’m a great believer that the heart overrides everything. Love conquers all.”
