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How Do I Tell My Partner That Our Sex Life Is Boring?

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You feel like you’ve won the lottery when you think you’ve found that forever person. It’s rare to find someone who ticks all your boxes and makes you feel safe. So, when that happens you’ll do anything to ensure that your relationship lasts.

Even if that means ignoring some aspects of the relationship that aren’t perfect.

This week’s reader Matthew is sure that he’s found the one but there’s one part of the relationship that is lacking: the sex. “I love my partner but our sex life is boring,” he tells HuffPost UK.

“I’ve been with my partner for a year and a half now. I’m very much in love with her but this isn’t the best sex I’ve had in my life,” he says.

He continues: “We’ve spoken about opening up our relationship but I think I only suggested doing this because I’m not satisfied in the bedroom. The sex is good but it’s not amazing and it makes me wonder if you can have it all in relationships?”

It’s evident that Matthew wants to make it work with his partner but is he settling in his love life? Counselling Directory member Nina Jellinek is on hand to help.


How important is the role of sex in a relationship?

Jellinek thinks this is a bit of a tricky question.

“For some people, sex is actually not important at all, or they might actively prefer a non-sexual relationship (not always a preference that is easy to express),” she says.

However, some people really value sex. “Both viewpoints are natural; the issues tend to arise if your and your partner’s feelings are at odds with each other,” Jellinek explains.

Sex usually plays a big part in relationships as it can be physically fun and satisfying.

“But it can also go beyond the physical feelings, and, for many, it is part of the sense of intimacy in a relationship,” Jellinek adds.

So, she says that “when there is a mismatch in people’s feelings about physical intimacy, it can lead to feelings of frustration, guilt, or resentment which can build up over time.”

What should we do if we feel that our sex life is lacking in our relationship?

Jellinek wants Matthew to consider whether the lack of sex is a temporary thing or if things might settle by themselves.

“It is also worth considering whether we have reasonable expectations around sex,” she says. When the relationship is new she says sex may have that novelty factor which is just not realistic to expect to maintain forever.

“This does not mean that you can’t expect to have an exciting physical relationship, just that things do change,” she adds.

Over time, people do sometimes fall into a routine that might be comfortable, but the sex might not have the same thrill factor that you had before.

“However, the truth might also be that you and your partner might be emotionally compatible, but the physical compatibility might never have been at the same level,” Jellinek says.

This could be a trickier situation because you have to try to address it. “But you also have to consider what you would do if things never improved in the way that you want,” she adds.

What practical advice would you give this reader?

If you aren’t happy with your sex life, ask your partner whether they feel the same.

“If you both want to improve things, there is a lot of scope for change, but it is important that each of you communicates your needs,” Jellinek advises.

If Matthew’s partner doesn’t feel the same, it might be a harder conversation to have. Jellinek suggests having a discussion about potentially exploring new experiences together.

If things aren’t working, there is the possibility of opening up the relationship. “There is nothing inherently wrong with this, but it can certainly come with complications,” Jellinek adds.

She continues: “It’s only going to work if you are both genuinely OK with it and even then the impact might be unpredictable.”

She wants Matthew to know that if he is not happy with his sex life it can impact his relationship so it’s an issue that needs to be talked through.

Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.

Rebecca Zisser/HuffPost UK

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I Want To Leave My Boyfriend Because He’s Depressed

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Watching someone you love struggle with their mental health isn’t easy. You want to support and care for that person but they might be shutting you out or worse, it could be affecting your relationship.

This week’s reader Holly has found herself stuck between a rock and a hard place. “My boyfriend is depressed and it’s affecting our relationship,” Holly says.

“My boyfriend has suffered from depression for the majority of our relationship. I feel bad for saying this but it’s starting to affect me too. We live together and in the last few months the depression has really put a strain on our relationship,” Holly adds.

She continues: “His moods are always up and down, he rarely wants to go out and it’s making me question the relationship. Part of me feels like I want to leave but is that fair? What can I do?”

What should Holly do? Should she fight for her relationship and support her partner?

Co-Founder of So Synced and Relationship Expert Jessica Alderson wants Holly to practice compassion.

“While it’s important for the reader to empathise with her partner’s struggles, she should acknowledge that it isn’t easy for her, either, and she shouldn’t feel guilty about that,” Alderson says.

What would you say to this reader?

“Depression can be an all-consuming mental illness, and it’s understandable that it’s starting to affect the reader as well,” says Alderson.

It can be emotionally taxing to support a loved one with depression so anyone in this position should have someone to talk to.

“In addition, the reader should remember to practice self-care. This might include regular exercise, taking time to pursue hobbies, and spending time with friends and family,” Alderson adds.

She explains that if your partner is suffering from a mental illness, it’s important not to fall into the trap of trying to “fix” them.

“Providing support and understanding is very different from trying to cure someone’s depression. It can be a dangerous road to go down and may cause the “saviour” to end up with serious issues of their own,” Alderson says.

Trying to save someone in a relationship usually doesn’t work as recovery from mental illnesses such as depression or addiction often requires professional help and serious commitment.

Alderson tells Holly that “while supporting a partner is a natural and essential part of any relationship, it’s important that we recognise our own limitations and be aware of our own needs. There’s a fine line between compassion and self-neglect, and staying on the right side of it is key for your overall well-being.”

How can one person having depression affect a relationship?

Alderson explains that “When one person in a relationship is experiencing depression, it can have a significant impact on the dynamics and well-being of both individuals involved. Here are some ways in which depression can affect a relationship:”

  1. Emotional strain: Depression often leads to persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and fatigue. The non-depressed partner may also experience feelings of helplessness, frustration, or guilt for not being able to alleviate their partner’s suffering. If it persists, both people can end up feeling disconnected from each other.
  2. Communication challenges: Depression can impact people’s ability to communicate effectively. The person with depression may withdraw, have difficulty expressing their emotions, or struggle to engage in open and honest conversations. This can hinder effective communication and make it challenging for the couple to understand each other.
  3. Reduced intimacy and sexual desire: Depression often causes a lack of interest in activities that people once enjoyed, including physical intimacy. One side effect of depression is a decreased libido, which can lead to less frequent sexual activity. In turn, this can cause feelings of rejection or inadequacy which can further strain the relationship.
  4. Role imbalance: When one partner is dealing with depression, the other partner may need to take on additional responsibilities and support them, such as cooking, cleaning, or managing finances. This can result in an imbalance within the relationship, and the non-depressed partner might feel overwhelmed or neglected as they focus their energy on supporting their partner.
  5. Social isolation: Depression can lead to social withdrawal and a reduced desire to engage in social activities. As such, the couple may end up going to fewer events together, which can leave both people feeling disconnected from their social network. The non-depressed partner may feel guilty about attending events without their significant other and may become socially isolated.

What practical advice would you give this reader?

This is clearly not an easy situation for Holly. “Deciding whether to stay with a partner who has depression is a deeply personal choice that depends on several factors,” Alderson says.

Holly should consider the impact that the depression is having on her own mental health. “There’s a clear distinction between finding a situation slightly challenging and feeling completely overwhelmed or unable to cope,” Alderson explains.

“One of the most important factors to consider is whether her partner is currently taking action to address his depression or is at least open to the idea,” she adds.

If her boyfriend is committed to making changes this massively impacts how likely it is that the situation will improve in the future. Holly should also consider how compatible they are as a couple on a fundamental basis.

“While depression can strain a relationship, it’s important that she evaluates whether there are other issues that go beyond the effects of depression. This includes factors such as mutual attraction, shared values, and aligned goals,” Alderson adds.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to whether you should stay in a relationship with a partner who has depression, as each situation is unique.

“Ending a relationship with someone who is in need of support can be a difficult choice to make. It’s ultimately up to the individual to weigh up all the various factors and decide what feels right for them,” Alderson says.

It may feel wrong to leave a relationship when someone is suffering from mental health issues, b01ut if it’s causing significant distress for you it isn’t selfish if it’s done for the right reasons and in the right way.

Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.

Rebecca Zisser/HuffPost UK

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‘I’m 26. I’ve Never Found Love And I Don’t Think I Ever Will’

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By the time we reach our mid-twenties, it can feel like most people have been in a few relationships – but what if this isn’t your reality? You want love but you’re ashamed to admit it hasn’t quite happened yet. You ask yourself if something is wrong with you, and more urgently, if you’ll ever find love.

This is the case for this week’s reader, Patricia. “I’m 26 years old, and I’ve never had a boyfriend,” she writes. “This wouldn’t be a problem in itself, but ever since I moved to a new country/became independent, I feel more pressured to find a significant other.”

This pressure, she says, comes not just from her family but from casual acquaintances, even strangers, who throw out comments such as “you’re such a nice girl, how come you’re single’? or “we weren’t made to be alone”.

“This paired with the fact that I only managed to have flings so far, which never developed into serious/meaningful relationships,” Patricia says. The story goes more or less like this: I meet someone, we spend time together getting to know each other, and after a couple of weeks they say they’re not ready for a serious relationship.”

These experiences have left Patricia questioning if there’s something wrong with her and if she’s worthy of a relationship. “I know that romantic love is an experience that many humans never have and that it is still possible to live a fulfilling life in spite of that, so I have been trying to accept that it might never happen to me,” she says. “However, I must admit that sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on something major that seems to be natural to most people.”

Counselling Directory member Laila Fish shares her advice for Patricia.

Why can there be so much pressure to get into a relationship and how can you release herself from this pressure?

There are a range of pressures on people to embark on relationships, says Fish, including family and societal expectations.

“Family members may have good intentions, they may have experienced this pressure themselves, and would like to see you in a relationship as maybe they are worried about you moving to a new country – despite how frustrating this sounds for you!” she says.

The next time a family member or friend asks Patricia about relationships, Fish wants her to pay attention to herself – “does it make you feel sad or frustrated – this can often tell us a lot” – and take a deep breath before responding. Meanwhile, to release herself from societal pressures, Fish says it’s helpful to avoid comparing herself to other people her age.

“Embrace your independence. It sounds like you are doing amazingly and enjoy all the opportunities ahead of you,” she advises Patricia. “Knowing what you want allows you to tune out society’s messages that don’t reflect your desires currently.

“It can be tough seeing everyone you know meeting someone romantically, but that doesn’t mean it is something that you necessarily want and that’s OK.”

How can you hold on to hope you’ll find someone special?

“Patricia sounds confident and independent and needs to believe in herself that when the time is right she will find the right person, and until then to enjoy meeting new people,” Fish says.

“Patricia says that the people she meets only last a short while. I would advise reframing this perspective into thinking how interesting and great an opportunity to meet new people is. Then, if one day a relationship happens, it does.”

Fish recommends she focuses on herself first and works on her self-esteem.

“Don’t be afraid of feeling like you are missing out on something – that something is ‘you’ and independence right now is your best friend. Also, be kind to yourself and challenge your negative beliefs that you may not be worthy.”

What practical tips would you give this reader to get into a relationship?

Expanding your interests and social activities can provide opportunities to meet different people, Fish says, but it’s important to start with what you want to do.

“Spending time thinking about your likes and dislikes as well as your goals can enable you to be clearer about who you are,” she explains. “Discovering other goals to focus on such as your professional life, your health, alongside meeting someone, can help you feel more confident and empowered if/when you do.”

She suggests Patricia ‘dates herself’ to get to know herself. “Go for a walk in the park, journal about your values and aims in life, go to that museum and see that film – this will all help towards you developing your self-esteem and consequently feeling worthy.”

In the end: “Focusing on finding happiness in your own life will pay dividends to avoid any relationship escalator your family or society is rushing you towards.”

Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.

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‘I Want To Move To New Zealand, But My Husband Wants To Stay’

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In a relationship, you won’t always share the same desires as your partner. Your partner might want to go on holiday for two weeks whilst you’d prefer if the holiday was for seven days. Perhaps you want to have three children but your partner wants to have one.

Or you want to move to another country, but your partner doesn’t think this is the best idea. This is the issue for this week’s reader. Harriet.

“I’m a 73-year old woman and want to move to New Zealand where my daughter and granddaughter live. My husband of 30 plus years wants to stay. Do I go or do I stay?” she asks.

Should she make the move to New Zealand without her partner? Or should she stay in the UK?

Counselling Directory member Kirsty Taylor suggests that Harriet considers the pros and cons of moving her life across the world without her husband. “It might be useful to actually make a list of all the reasons to go, and all the reasons to stay,” she adds.

What would you say to this reader?

“There can be strong emotional reactions when someone you love dearly is moving far away, and it’s a very normal response to consider if life would be better being nearer to those you love the most,” Taylor says.

“However, there is a long marriage and partnership to consider here too. I would like the reader to reflect on her marriage and how much it means to her, to have a good honest period of reflection on what she wants her future to look like and who she most wants to be in it.”

Counselling Directory member Paula Coles thinks it’s understandable that Harriet would want to live closer to her grandchildren. However she says “it’s important that lots of thought should be out in to huge decisions such as this, partly because it affects many individuals in both the nuclear and extended family systems.”

Coles is also curious about Harriet’s current life. “Is she perhaps feeling a lack of purpose that she hopes the daughter and granddaughter can give her?

“How might she also find purpose in her current life through friends and activities, which for many have been dreadfully affected by the pandemic and the strain that has put on many people in the last few years.”

How can she weigh up if she should move away?

Taylor thinks Harriet could benefit from a little bit of space and time to really consider this decision. “It might be useful for her to write a list of all the pros of moving to New Zealand and then all the cons of this decision.

“I think the reader could map out her future by writing it down. She could spend some time imagining what she wants from the rest of her life – will living near her daughter without her husband give her enough joy to sustain a life away from her husband? What does her daughter imagine this life to look like?”

It could put a strain on the relationship if Harriet relies on her daughter for all of her social needs.

“Has there been some conversation about the practicalities of this decision if she goes ahead with it, in terms of finance, where to live, healthcare, leaving friends, potentially living alone?” Taylor asks.

“Ultimately, the gut is our guide to decision making. The reader needs to be clear about what her gut is telling her. Regardless if the decision might cause some pain and difficulty, her gut might already have the answer.”

How can she deal with this issue with her partner?

Ultimately, Harriet needs to have a long discussion with her partner. “She could try and find out his reasons for not wanting to go, and see if there is a way to come to a mutual agreement or to manage his fears and worries about a move and find a way to make a plan together,” Taylor says.

Taylor believes that she should have an honest and truthful conversation with her husband about why she is considering to move. “There may be a bigger issue in the relationship that needs some gentle navigation.”

Her desire to move could also be a sign of deeper unhappiness or frustration. “People often look at their lives at certain points and want to make some changes,” Taylor adds.

“There may be a way of finding a middle ground – half a year in NZ, half a year in the UK. Ultimately, this issue needs some careful and considered navigation to come to an outcome that makes sense for the reader’s future happiness.”

Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.

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‘My Boyfriend Is Great, So Why Do I Want Sex With Other People?’

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The feeling of finding your perfect match is something you can’t explain – like that person was handmade for you and can fulfil all your wants and needs. But what happens if you think you’ve met your soulmate, but still find yourself fancying other people, even wanting to stray.

This is Katie’s dilemma. “My boyfriend is super nice, so sweet, surprises me often, sex is amazing, it’s the first relationship I’ve ever been in that’s healthy but for some reason, I want to have sex with other people,” Katie says.

“I don’t think I love him as much as I thought I did. What do I do? He moved in with me after four months of dating and now I don’t want him there but he’s doing nothing wrong, it’s just me. What do I do?”

Counselling Directory member Ilia Galouzidi is on hand to give Katie her advice.

What is your initial response to this dilemma? What would you say to this reader?

Galouzidi says she thinks it’s great that Katie has found someone who matches her in several areas and that she considers it a healthy relationship. However, she says that “we may often think that once we form a relationship that feels healthy with another person, we automatically abandon the part of ourselves that gets attracted by other people or needs to be seen and feel wanted.”

And it doesn’t usually work this way, she adds.

“We may enjoy being attracted by others or being attractive to others and still run an honest loving relationship with our partner,” Galouzidi says. “This is mainly because the feeling of desire and the feeling of love are different things.”

Why might a person crave sex with others, even in a good relationship?

Galouzidi wants Katie to start by asking herself the following question: am I usually craving sex from being attracted to someone, or when someone is attracted to me?

“Responding yes might just mean you appreciate attractiveness to people and/or you have a high sexual drive. If you tend towards the latter, you may want to think about how important is to you to feel attractive,” Galouzidi says.

“Then in relation to your relationship: do you feel desired, and equally, how much do you desire your partner? Desire is usually about elements of mystery, playfulness, and unpredictability.

“So you may also want to ask yourself: what elements make someone desirable to me? Am I desiring my partner in this way?”

How can moving in together change the dynamic of a relationship?

Moving in with someone can be challenging for couples, says Galouzidi.

“Although it has its benefits and may bring closeness to the partners, it can also create a lot of changes to their lifestyles,” she explains. “Suddenly, people may lose their private space or need to claim their private moments.”

Katie might want to ask yourself: how has my lifestyle changed? Which changes are welcome and which are more challenging? The answers to these questions can help a couple set boundaries to make sure each party respects the other person’s space and lifestyle, says Galouzidi.

Then, there is the element of familiarity. “Moving in together may get us familiar with each other’s habits, preferences, and peculiarities, which on one hand may create a sense of closeness and intimacy, but on the other hand, may take away the “mystery” and excitement that comes with it,” Galouzidi explains.

What practical steps can this reader take to figure out what she wants and adjust her relationship accordingly?

Galouzidi suggests Katie does a bit of self-exploration and reflection by asking herself the questions above to gain a deeper understanding of her personal needs and non-negotiables in the relationship. She may then want to share her findings with her partner in a non-judgmental way.

“Remember, a healthy relationship also means being able to put clear boundaries and feel heard and respected,” says Galouzidi. “You may find it helpful to pencil down time in your calendars when each of you can have some privacy at home. Also, you may want to try different sex games with your partner to ignite mystery and playfulness in the bedroom.”

She also wants Katie to ask herself how close to enacting her sex cravings she is. “Does it require effort from your end to be loyal to your partner? You are not a bad person if you answered: very close or very effortful. I am sure you respect your partner’s feelings and your intention is to be truthful to him.

“However, maybe clarifying your needs at the moment is crucial, so you can show up to yourself and your relationship with honesty.”

Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.

Rebecca Zisser/HuffPost UK

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‘My Wife Doesn’t Want Me To Go On Holiday Without Her’

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In a long-term relationship, you might start to feel like you’re doing everything with your partner. Concerts, parties, restaurants, trips, it can get to a point where you automatically bring your ‘other half’ everywhere.

Which is why some people in relationships try to regain their independence, like this week’s reader: Collin.

“I would like to travel with a friend of mine to Portugal for a surf trip without my wife,” Collin says. “She is having an issue with me going without her for various reasons. I am not sure how to navigate this issue in our 30-year marriage. We have not travelled independently much before.”

Collin doesn’t mention any issues with his wife, but he wants to have more solo experiences. Is this a problem?

Counselling Directory member Kim Lord doesn’t necessarily think so.

What would you say to this reader?

“Your decision to holiday without her may raise some insecurities in your wife, which she may not feel able to voice,” Lord says.

“This is not to suggest that your decision is wrong, or in some way harmful to her, but taking the time to gain some insight into why she has an issue would be helpful to you both.”

Lord adds that Collin has mentioned that he hasn’t done much independent travelling before, so after 30 years of marriage, a desire to travel without her may come as a surprise to his wife.

“Whilst we may like to believe that our partner will happily accept all our wishes with support and understanding, our actions can sometimes impact upon our partners’ feelings in a way we may not expect,” Lord adds.

“Your wife may feel a sense of rejection if you have always holidayed with her in the past, but this time have chosen to take a friend.”

Why might his wife have an issue with him travelling without her?

Counselling Directory member Georgina Smith asks Collin if there’s been a breach of trust, have the couple had to navigate infidelity? “If so, then it would be a big ask to request solo travel, depending on the circumstances and the couple’s timeline of difficulty,” Smith adds.

“Even if lack of trust is not an obvious issue, I would be encouraging the husband to explore those ‘various reasons’ with her and discuss together how he may provide reassurance around her insecure feelings around this trip.”

Counselling Directory member Victoria Jeffries believes that Collin’s wife is feeling insecure at the idea of him leaving her. “It could be she views this as some form of abandonment.”

“I would hazard a guess that this runs deeper with your wife; it may be that at some point in her life (most likely her childhood) she felt excluded or abandoned by those she loved, and therefore you taking a trip without her is triggering those feelings for her,” Jeffries adds.

“This may seem far-fetched (and possibly even unfair on her part), however it is not uncommon for painful feelings from the past to suddenly arise from seemingly ordinary circumstances such as a spouse simply wanting to take a surfing trip with a friend.”

What practical tips would you give this reader?

Smith encourages Collin’s wife to communicate all of her concerns and fears around this solo trip. ″Communicate and compromise on ‘ground rules’ – how often will the couple talk while he is away, what is acceptable behaviour like staying out til late and around the opposite sex for example,” Smith adds.

She also suggests making plans for another trip as a couple might help, so Collin can avoid the sense that his wife is ‘missing out’ and have a chance to reconnect. “Using empathy and good listening skills is key – try to understand the feelings behind her words. Having an issue with the trip will be about her feelings of discomfort, not just to be difficult.”

Jeffies also emphasises talking to his wife and exploring her concerns. “It may also be a good idea to explain why this trip is important to you (presuming it is),” she says. “It could be that your wife isn’t fully taking into consideration what this means for you.”

Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.

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‘My Partner Is Watching Porn And Won’t Have Sex With Me’

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The topic of porn can be a taboo subject, but we need to talk about it – especially in relationships. This week’s reader, Jenny, wrote in to ask for advice related to her husband’s porn consumption.

“My partner is watching porn and won’t have sex with me,” she said. “I found out that my husband is into porn and he won’t turn from his ways. He’s pleasuring himself but won’t have sex with me, what should I do?”

Navigating a situation like this can be tricky, but Counselling Directory member Georgina Smith is here to help.

How can this reader speak to her husband about this?

“Like any difficult subject in a relationship, pick a time when you are both able to talk freely, raising it when you are both calm and able to discuss rationally, don’t wait until an argument,” Smith says.

“Invite some open conversation about his feelings around his porn habit and how that makes you feel – try to use empathy and good listening skills.

“Explore how you could find your way back to a sex life you both enjoy to feel more connected. You are entitled to express your desire for sex in a relationship and how their rejection may be causing you hurt.”

When does watching porn become an issue in a relationship?

Smith believes that watching porn in a relationship becomes an issue when it causes harm to the partner. “Some people perceive watching porn as a form of infidelity, especially if it is done in secret,” she says.

“If porn watching is essentially a substitution for actual sex and that is impacting on the relationship (by stopping a couple connecting via sex and intimacy), I would consider that to be an issue.

“If watching porn has become addictive (i.e. unable to stop even if viewer wants to stop) then that person may need specialist help.”

What should we do when porn becomes an issue in our relationship?

Smith emphasises that we should “communicate effectively around the subject, don’t avoid it just because it can sometimes be an uncomfortable conversation.”

“Try to understand where you are both coming from if you have opposing views around porn and figure out how you might find a common ground that keeps both of you happy,” Smith says.

“Get some couple counselling to unpack in a safe space and reflect individually why you feel the way you do about porn would be two helpful places to start.”

Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.

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‘How Can I Move Out Of The Friend Zone With The Guy From My Running Group?’

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There’s a reason why the friend to lover trope is so popular in film and TV. You’re friends with someone for years, you date other people and then you realise the person you’ve been looking for has been right in front of you.

Having a solid friendship with someone can be a great foundation for a relationship. But the movies we watch don’t tell us how awkward it can be to tell your friend you fancy them. What if they aren’t attracted to us? What if it ruins the friendship?

This is what this week’s reader, Carol, is worried about. “There’s a man that I like and we have been friends for about five years. We are in the same running and wild swimming group and get on well. How can I move out of the ‘friend zone’?” she asked.

Though the term “friend zone” has been debated, there’s nothing wrong with exploring the potential of a relationship with a friend – as long as you’re fully prepared to accept that they may not reciprocate your feelings.

Though it can be scary to shift the dynamic, Counselling Directory member Simona Bajenaru says we should be honest and authentic.

“Speaking your feelings might be as rewarding as perhaps the hesitation to do so. Whether reciprocated or not, once the initial fear and shame subside, your sense of confidence and pride might blossom,” Bajenaru says.

How can we get out of the friend zone?

Bajenaru first invites anyone in this situation to ask yourself five questions:

  • Why now?

  • What drives your desire to move out of the “friend zone”?

  • What are your expectations, moving out of it?

  • Would you say he completes or complements you where you are at now?

  • What feelings come up when you envisage your future together?

Bajenaru emphasis that “although answering these questions logically is important, digging deeper into your feelings will help clarify whether your desire to advance this relationship is genuine or acting on a temporary need to be fulfilled (company, intimacy) or fear to be satisfied (loneliness, low self-esteem).”

In a situation like Carol’s – where you usually see the other person in an activity group – asking them if they’d like to meet up one on one for a coffee or drink is probably a good first step.

Why do people struggle to move from friendship to romantic?

“Coming out of the ‘friend zone’ is terribly scary for most of us,” Bajenaru says. “Hesitation is a natural reaction to such prospects since a non-reciprocation of your feelings blurs your treasured friendship’s way forward.

“Best case scenario, his feelings are mutual and knowing each other well enough provides a beautiful and safe space to nurture the next stage of your relationship.

“The less fortunate scenario may be a slow distancing leading to potentially losing a valued friend, a perhaps abrupt end to his reliable, consistent presence in your life. Should this be the case, please know you have not done anything wrong.”

How can we continue a friendship with someone if they don’t reciprocate feelings for us?

There is an overall risk of awkwardness between yourselves for a while after feelings are shared.

“Sometimes the response is not even immediate: your friend may choose to process his own feelings first. A beautiful placeholder to receive might be ’I am flattered, I need to process it,” Bajenaru says.

“However, they may choose to never respond nor engage, avoiding difficult conversations with you and themselves.

Bajenaru adds that “continuing the friendship would require an honest conversation about the attempt to have more than a friendship and setting some boundaries and perhaps ‘ground rules’ until some new kind of ‘normality’ is established.”

Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.

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