How Your Parenting Style Could Be Impacting Your Child’s Brain

Posted on 16/11/2024 by Boris Clair

A team of researchers from the University of Michigan have found that harsh parenting during infancy can impact children right into adolesence.

The data, which originated from the Future of Families and Child Well-being Study, was collected between February 1998 and June 2021. The current study sample includes an analysis of 173 youths.

“Harsh parenting in late childhood more specifically affected the corticolimbic circuit—a specific part of the brain that includes the amygdala and frontal cortex and is involved in processing and regulating emotion,” researches said.

However, it’s not all bad news.

The team also found that warm parenting — which they define as “responsiveness” — during middle childhood was associated with how the amygdala (a small part of the brain involved in emotion and processing threats) was differentially connected to other parts of the brain.

Importantly, parenting warmth predicted reduced anxiety and depression 15 years later during the Covid-19 pandemic due to its effects on the amygdala.

Why this research is hopeful

“Understanding these sensitive periods can inform more effective policy and intervention strategies,” says Luke Hyde, a University of Michigan professor of psychology and faculty associate at the Institute for Social Research.

Cleanthis Michael, a graduate student and the study’s first author, says the “findings indicate that earlier interventions may offer broader benefits for brain development”.

Michael added: “Because these experiences seemed to affect later risk for depression and anxiety, this research highlights periods of vulnerability and opportunity for treatments and policy to promote healthy, long-term development. Interventions for parents, and policies that support parents, may have more profound impacts earlier in life.”

Strict parenting is often detrimental

Counsellor Marissa Moore wrote for PsychCentral about strict parenting and said: “There are a few benefits to strict parenting, such as having your children behave in public or setting high expectations for themselves in achieving their goals.

“However, the long-term effects of authoritarian parenting tend to negatively affect children’s self-esteem, academic achievement, and overall life satisfaction.”

Instead, she recommends authoritative parenting, explaining: “Authoritative parenting, which finds a balance between having rules and supporting them if they don’t meet them, appears to have the best outcomes.”

5 Things Adults Shouldn’t Discuss In Front Of Kids (And 5 Surprising Things They Should)

Posted on 31/10/2024 by Boris Clair

Children tend to pick up on a lot more than adults realize. They absorb not only what we say to them directly but also what we say around them — even when we think they’re not paying attention.

That got us wondering: Are there certain topics that just shouldn’t be discussed with or in front of kids? And on the flip side, are there certain conversations adults assume are not appropriate for young minds but are actually OK — or even beneficial — to address?

We reached out to parenting experts to get their take. As clinical psychologist Laura Markham, author of the “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids” series, said, it’s generally less about the subject itself and more about how you approach it.

“For instance, you would not have a discussion about your financial worries that would make your child worry. But you could certainly discuss the fact that a new car or a pricey vacation is not in your budget this year,” she told HuffPost.

Below, Markham and other therapists share their thoughts on the do’s and don’ts of communicating when young or school-age kids are present.

5 Things Adults Shouldn’t Talk About In Front Of Kids

1. People’s bodies

When adults speak poorly about their own bodies or other people’s bodies, children notice and may internalise those negative messages, said marriage and family therapist Brianne Billups Hughes.

“Kids are like sponges, absorbing everything they hear. If they witness adults being critical of themselves, it can lead to issues with self-esteem and body image as they grow,” she told HuffPost.

And it’s not just the negative comments that can be damaging over time. When adults make frequent remarks about body shape or weight — even if they’re complimentary in nature — it can make kids “overly concerned about their own appearance,” Markham noted.

2. Critical remarks about a parent or caregiver

It’s best for adults to avoid bad-mouthing the child’s other parent or caregivers in their life. It doesn’t matter if you’re speaking to the kid directly or having the conversation when they’re in earshot.

Hearing negative comments about a parent can make a child feel as if they have to choose sides or that they’re responsible for fixing the situation, which can be damaging to their sense of security, Markham said.

It can also “strain the relationship with the criticised parent since they now see them as ‘not good enough,’” she added, while also making the child feel guilty for thinking of their parent in a negative light.

3. Comments that compare the child to their sibling

Markham advises parents to avoid comments that compare one sibling with another. Such comparisons can breed competition between siblings and lead to increased conflict, she said.

“That intuitively makes sense to us because we can see how it fosters resentment, jealousy and insecurity. But this is just as true for positive messages, which also set up competition,” Markham said.

For example, you might say to your child something like, “You’re my good boy. You never give me a tough time like your brother does.”

Now your child not only feels pressure to hold on to his place as the “good” one but is also “motivated to keep his sibling in the role of ‘bad’ kid,” Markham said. “How else will he maintain his special place in your eyes?”

4. Adult money issues

As paediatric psychologist and parent coach Ann-Louise Lockhart of A New Day Paediatric Psychology explained, “Kids don’t yet have the cognitive tools to fully understand adult finances.”

So when they overhear conversations about money-related stressors in adults’ lives, they draw their own conclusions, “often assuming the worst,” she told HuffPost.

“Children may think, for example, that the family will lose their home or that they won’t be able to buy food, even if the situation is not that extreme,” Lockhart said. “This fear can lead to increased anxiety and, for some children, a sense of guilt that they’re a ‘burden’ if they need things like new shoes or supplies.”

That’s not to say you have to completely keep them in the dark if your financial situation has changed. Just keep explanations clear and concise and your tone calm. If money is tight, Lockhart suggested saying something like, “We’re sticking to a budget so we can make good choices,” which she said is “often more reassuring.”

“You can help them understand that adults have systems to manage expenses and that their needs will be met,” she added.

5. Comments that glorify alcohol or drug use

Hughes warned that conversations “normalising or glorifying” drinking alcohol and using drugs when kids are around can lead to “unhealthy attitudes toward these substances” down the line.

“Kids are impressionable, and hearing adults speak positively about drinking or using drugs, even jokingly, can set the foundation for curiosity or risky behaviours later in life,” she explained. “It’s important to model responsible behaviour and avoid making these substances seem glamorous or harmless.”

**5 Things Adults Actually Can Discuss In Front Of Kids**

It's important for kids to know that, although their parents may not always agree, they always love each other, Markham said. — It’s important for kids to know that, although their parents may not always agree, they always love each other, Markham said.

On the other hand, there are topics that adults have a tendency to shy away from because they assume talking about them would be harmful to kids. But our experts say these conversations can be good ones to have with or in the presence of children, as long as they are approached in a thoughtful, age-appropriate way.

1. Healthy disagreements

Parents might be under the impression they need to resolve any and all conflict behind closed doors. But that’s not necessarily true. In fact, it can be beneficial for kids to observe their parents modelling how to respectfully work through a disagreement, Markham said.

“It’s important for them to know that we don’t always agree, but we always love each other. Kids need to see us ask for what we need without attacking the other person,” she added.

“And it’s critical for them to see us make up with affection and forgiveness.”

That being said, heated arguments that include yelling, name-calling or other forms of disrespect should not happen in front of kids, Markham said, as research has shown it does affect them negatively.

And when it comes to certain topics, it’s better for adults to hash out those matters privately. “Discussions about sex or other tender issues are more respectfully conducted without an audience,” developmental psychologist Diana Divecha wrote for Greater Good Magazine.

2. Honest emotions

Many adults try to avoid showing or talking about their emotions around kids, but “it’s actually important for kids to see adults process their feelings in healthy ways,” Hughes said.

It’s OK to share that you’re feeling upset, worried or frustrated in an age-appropriate way. Doing so helps normalise a wider range of emotions and can help children learn to express and regulate their own emotions, Hughes said.

This also helps them develop their emotional intelligence, Lockhart added.

“If they see you saying something like, ‘I’m feeling sad because a friend moved away, and that’s normal,’ they learn that all emotions are OK and temporary, helping them feel safe to express their own,” she explained.

3. Mistakes they’ve made

Adults shouldn’t feel pressure to uphold a facade of perfection in front of kids. It’s OK to admit to them when you’ve messed up in some way, Lockhart said.

“Talking about your own mistakes and how you handled them helps kids learn resilience and accountability,” she said. “When they hear something like, ‘I made a mistake at work, but I took responsibility, and I’m working on a solution,’ they see that mistakes are natural and that they can handle them positively.”

4. Money in general

Though you wouldn’t want your child to be privy to the full scope of financial stress you may be facing, money doesn’t have to be a taboo subject.

“Discussing financial concepts in an age-appropriate manner can be a valuable learning opportunity,” Hughes said. “Kids who grow up with an understanding of budgeting, saving, investing, loans and responsible spending are more likely to develop good financial habits as they grow older.”

“The key is to avoid overwhelming them with adult-level stress about money,” she added.

5. Sex, consent and bodily changes

As a parent, you may find yourself avoiding conversations around these topics with your kids entirely because they seem too uncomfortable or mature to discuss. But introducing these subjects in developmentally appropriate ways is actually quite important, Hughes said.

“Teaching children about consent, body autonomy and the basic facts of anatomy, reproduction or puberty helps them develop a healthy understanding of their bodies and relationships,” she explained.

“These discussions empower children to ask questions, set boundaries and feel comfortable about their own physical development. It also helps prevent misinformation from other sources.”

“The goal isn’t to shelter children completely but to be mindful of the language and tone used.”

– Brianne Billups Hughes, marriage and family therapist

No matter the topic, how we communicate with and around children can have a lasting effect on them, Hughes said. That’s why it’s so critical to approach conversations with mindfulness.

“Modelling healthy conflict resolution, self-acceptance and emotional intelligence can provide kids with essential life skills,” she said. ”The goal isn’t to shelter children completely but to be mindful of the language and tone used, creating a balanced environment where they can learn and feel secure.”

Struggling To Get Your Kids To Try New Foods? This 1 Approach May Help

Posted on 08/07/2024 by Boris Clair

It is a battle none of us can fully prepare for: getting children to eat foods that they absolutely don’t want to.

Of course, most of us have tried the usual tactics. Hiding vegetables in sauces, shaping them into stars or dinosaurs, getting on our knees and begging. However, kids are smart and there’s only so much that will work on their growing little minds.

That being said, one dietician and mother of two thinks she may have found the answer and it doesn’t involve sorcery somehow.

The trick to getting children to eat new foods

Writing in Allrecipes, Sally Kuzemchak said that while she was on a road trip with her children, her son, who would never usually touch a dish with onions, suddenly asked for a side of onion rings.

Just as Kuzemchak was about to tell him not to get them as he usually hated onions, she realised that this might actually be a breakthrough moment.

So, her advice for getting kids to try new foods? Change the scenery and see how you get on.

She said: “Being in a new environment feels like an adventure, and kids might be more game for trying new things—including foods.

“Whether it’s a dish you don’t typically serve at home or a familiar ingredient spun in a new direction, foods can take on an air of mystique when we’re away from home. (Removing the pressure of the usual dinner table can help children feel freer to experiment, too.)”

It turns out that the dietitian was right to let her child try onion rings, as it really was a breakthrough for him and his sibling.

Kuzemchak said: “My kids have tried poutine in Canada, fried alligator in Florida, and plantains in Costa Rica.

“But even if they’re just trying a new ice cream flavour, I know they’re learning they can be brave—and the unknown can be good! As parents, trying new foods and praising our kids’ courage can help model an adventurous spirit.”

It’s worth a try!

Psychologist Reveals What Kids Of All Ages Need From Their Parents

Posted on 26/06/2024 by Boris Clair

No two parents are the same, meaning that no two parenting styles are the same but, according to one psychologist, there is one universal thing that all children want, no matter their age or your approach to parenting.

Dr Becky, a psychologist at Good Inside, shared on her TikTok channel that she believes parents often make the mistake of trying to find solutions for their children when the children don’t necessarily need solutions — they just need to be heard.

She said: “Your child is looking for your support, not your solutions.”

How to be a better listener for your child

Dr Becky explained: “This is true at every age. Let’s say you have a toddler and they can’t figure out a puzzle and they’re frustrated.

“They’re looking for you to say ‘this is a hard puzzle!’, not, ‘I’ll do that piece for you.’”

The psychologist added that even with older kids who are learning how to read, they’re looking for empathy. She recommended parents tell their own experience of learning to read and said validating their feelings that reading is tricky is better than doing it for them.

Dr Becky summarised saying: “Our kids, like us, are looking for our support. Not our solutions. When they have our support, guess what? They’re really good at coming up with solutions on their own.”

According to the UK’s leading youth mental health charity, YoungMinds, your body language when actively listening matters, too. The experts advised: “Give your child time to speak while you are fully focused. Try to relax your facial expression and body position.

“Put yourself at the same height or lower than them. Nod or make a sound to show you have heard and make eye contact (but don’t insist that they do).”

When you put it that way, it is actually quite simple.

@drbeckyatgoodinside

Parenting truth: Our kids’ feelings need support, not solutions. Try this: Next time your child is having a hard time, say, “I hear you”, “That stinks” or “I’m so glad you’re sharing that with me” instead of allowing your fixing / advice / solution voice to take over. I think you’ll be amazed by what happens next.

♬ original sound – Dr. Becky | Psychologist

Penn Badgley Gets Real About Being A Father And A Stepfather

Posted on 30/03/2024 by Boris Clair

Penn Badgley knows the many ways that one can be a parent.

The You star, who is married to singer Domino Kirke, shares a 15-year-old stepson, Cassius, with his wife. The couple also have a young son of their own.

Badgley opened up about parenting both in a candid episode of The New York Times’ Modern Love podcast, which was released Wednesday.

“I have an interesting situation where I have a biological son and a stepson,” the Gossip Girl actor said. “And my stepson is ― his father is very much in his life, so his father is his father, and I’m ― I’m something else. So I have two different parental roles.

“And then my biological son is only 3 1/2, so that’s a very different thing too. I’m going to need to be able to more consciously show him my vulnerability as he gets older in those years.”

From center left: Cassius Kirke, Penn Badgley and Domino Kirke attend the 2019 U.S. Open tennis championships on Sep. 3, 2019.

Badgley is one of a few celebrities who have recently spoken about their experiences not only as a parent, but as a stepparent.

Gwyneth Paltrow, who welcomed two children with singer Chris Martin before their 2016 divorce, became a stepmother in 2018 after marrying producer Brad Falchuk. Falchuck has two kids of his own.

The Goop founder said that she likes to talk about being a stepparent because it’s one of her “biggest learnings as a human being.”

“My area of growth personally came from the initial difficult relationship I had with my stepkids, and now they’re like my kids,” Paltrow said at an event earlier this month. She added that things were “really rough” at first.

“It’s almost like you have to embody the spirit of the sun and just give and not expect anything back,” the Oscar-winning actor explained. “I just learned to try to just keep shining like the sun and never keeping score.”

The Joy Of Being A ‘One And Done’ Family

Posted on 27/12/2023 by Boris Clair

Brenda Seltzer was still in the hospital, having just delivered her son, when her family started asking when she was going to have another one.

“Everybody was like, ‘How long are you going to wait until you have the second one?’” Seltzer, 33, told HuffPost. “I was like, ‘He was just born. What do you mean a second one?’”

Before she got pregnant, Seltzer had assumed she and her husband would have two children, but almost immediately she began having doubts. Her birth was hard and Seltzer required a blood transfusion. Finances also came into play. Seltzer and her husband both work full time, and her son’s full-time preschool cost nearly $20,000 a year.

“We started questioning: Why would we have two? I had a bad birth experience … we were working full time, and we didn’t have much help with family nearby,” said Seltzer.

By having one child, they’ve been able to put money toward fun family activities, like a pre-COVID cruise and a family season pass to Disney World. They’re also able to pour themselves into playtime with their son when they’re not at work.

“We can have a great relationship with him,” she said. “We enjoy being with him.” Having “just” one child was the perfect choice for her family.

And they’re not alone. The number of American parents who have one child has been steadily increasing for years. According to data from the Pew Research Center, the proportion of moms at the later end of their childbearing years who have one child doubled from the mid-1970s to 2015 — from 11% to 22%.

For many parents, the choice to have one child really comes down to knowing — and honouring — themselves and their particular circumstances.

“I chose to give my child a healthy and happy parent instead of a sibling,” said Amanda Pacovsky, 36, who has a 7-year-old daughter with her husband. She grappled with undiagnosed postpartum depression and anxiety, which “really took a toll on my mental health,” she told HuffPost, and could not imagine going through that again.

“What one-and-done parents are sick of is having their choice looked down on, or having it dismissed as a passing phase. They resent the notion that they’re not just as joyful about their family arrangement as a family of two or three or more children might be.”

Her choice was also rooted in the desire to be able to afford extracurriculars for her daughter. Currently, she’s into cheerleading and running, but they’ve also signed her up for soccer and dance without fretting too much about whether they can afford it.

“We are definitely not wealthy,” Pacovsky said. Having just one child gives them some financial breathing room — because as any American parent can attest, having kids is wildly expensive. It costs more than $230,000 to raise a child from birth through age 17, and that is without factoring in college.

Pacovsky and her husband are really happy about the decision they made to have one child, but she is struck by how many people in her life are not — or assume that must not be the case.

Like Seltzer, she’s spent years having her decision dismissed, with family and friends telling her that she will eventually change her mind. Or noting the (debunked) stereotypes that only children are spoiled. Or even asking her what will happen to her daughter when she and her husband die. Pacovsky started a popular Instagram page dedicated solely to one-and-done parenting memes to, as she puts it, squash the stigma of being an only-child parent.

One-and-done families say that stigma is real. Despite the steady rise in only-child households, Americans still generally think of larger families as “ideal.” About 50% of Americans say two children is best, while 40% say three or more is ideal. This in spite of research suggesting that having a second child doesn’t make parents any happier — and may specifically cause women’s happiness to dip.

Ultimately, what one-and-done parents are sick of is having their choices looked down on, or having their desire to have one child dismissed as a passing phase. They resent the notion that they’re not just as joyful about their family arrangement as a family of two or three or more children might be. (Of course, some families have one child because of infertility or a death or other reasons out of their control.)

“Our son is amazing. I know everyone says that, but our son has changed our lives. He’s the perfect blend of both of us,” said Meredith Rufino, 39, who has a 6-year-old son. “He brings out the best in my husband. He brings out the best in me. He has truly been a blessing.”

Her friends and family have been puzzled by how it is possible for her to so obviously delight in parenting — to so enjoy the company of her son — but not want to grow her family to try to replicate the experience.

Rufino, however, wouldn’t dream of it.

“I know myself. I know my own strengths, and I know my own limitations,” she said, noting that she has dealt with depression and anxiety. “I would rather be a great parent to one rather than an OK parent to two.”

Easy Recipes To Cook With Kids: Sticky Chicken And Fruity Loaf Cake

Posted on 23/09/2023 by Boris Clair

Getting children involved in the kitchen is something mother and author Annabel Karmel is incredibly passionate about.

So it’s perhaps no surprise then that her latest (and 50th) recipe book My First Cookbook is jam-packed with simple yet nutritious recipes that adults and kids can both get involved with making.

As busy working parents it can be hard to find the time and creativity, not to mention ingredients, to devise nutritious home-cooked meals, which is where My First Cookbook can help.

Expect fun lunchbox ideas such as Caterpillar Sandwiches, big batch meals like Teddy Bear Pasta and seasonal specials like Monster Pizzas and Gingerbread Men.

The book helps children learn essential hands-on kitchen skills – from simple sandwich making all the way to cake baking.

If you’re stuck for mealtime inspiration this weekend – and have a bit of time to spare to get your kids involved in the kitchen – we’ve got two of her brand new recipes to share.

Sticky chicken with sweet potato fries

Nobody can resist this sweet, sticky chicken, especially with healthy baked fries.

Serves 4 | Prep time 40 mins | Cooking time 25 mins

You’ll need: baking tray, baking paper

Ingredients

3 tablespoons ketchup
3 tablespoons soy sauce
2 tablespoons honey
2 cloves of garlic, crushed
500g (18oz) boneless chicken thighs, sliced into strips
3 medium sweet potatoes, scrubbed
2 tablespoons sunflower oil
1 teaspoon chopped thyme
3 tablespoons semolina

Method

Put the chicken into a medium mixing bowl. Add the ketchup, soy, honey and garlic, and mix together to coat the chicken. Leave for 30 minutes, then arrange on a baking tray lined with baking paper.

Preheat the oven to 200°C (400°F) Fan. Slice the sweet potatoes into thin chip shapes. Place on a baking sheet lined with baking paper. Add the oil and thyme. Season with salt and pepper, and coat with semolina to make them crispy. Mix everything up with your hands. Spread out on the baking sheet in a single layer.

Put both baking sheets into the oven. Cook for about 25 minutes, until the chicken is cooked and golden brown and the fries are lightly golden and cooked through.

Banana and blueberry loaf cake

Slice up this fruit-filled loaf to make a delicious doggy face.

Serves 8 | Prep time 20 mins | Cooking time 60 mins

You’ll need: 900g (32oz) loaf tin, baking paper

Ingredients

150g (2/3 cup) butter, softened
125g (3/4 cup) light brown sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
200g (7oz) overripe bananas, mashed, plus extra slices
225g (2 cups) self-raising flour
1 teaspoon mixed spice
100g (3.5oz) blueberries

To decorate

banana
a few blueberries
a few raspberries

Method

Preheat the oven to 160°C (325°F) Fan. Grease and line a loaf tin with non-stick paper.

Whisk the butter and sugar together in a mixing bowl until fluffy. Add the eggs, vanilla, bananas, flour and mixed spice. Whisk together using an electric hand whisk.

Fold in the blueberries and spoon into the loaf tin. Bake in the oven for 50 mins-1 hour until well risen and lightly golden.

Slice into slices and arrange on a plate to look like a dog’s face and ears. Add banana slices and blueberries for the eyes and nose, and a raspberry for the tongue.

My First Cookbook by Annabel Karmel is available to buy now for £12.99.

Overpraising Your Kid Could Be Doing More Harm Than Good

Posted on 12/08/2023 by Boris Clair

As parents, all we want is for our kids to be happy and confident – and part of how we show them how great they are is to dish out praise.

“Well done!” ~ “Good boy/girl!” ~ “Great job!”

You probably utter these a fair few times throughout the day if your little one does something well.

And while praise is mostly considered to be beneficial for motivation, studies have found it’s the type of praise that makes the difference here.

Which praise is best?

A review of studies found praising a child’s intelligence had more negative consequences for their achievement motivation than praise for effort.

Fifth graders (10-11 year-olds) praised for intelligence were found to care more about performance goals relative to learning goals than children praised for effort.

When these children failed, they displayed less task persistence, less task enjoyment, more low-ability attributions, and worse task performance than children praised for effort.

What’s more, children praised for intelligence described it as a fixed trait more than children praised for hard work, who considered it subject to improvement.

Recently, clinical psychologist Dr Martha Deiros Collado shared an Instagram post about how parents can offer praise without even thinking sometimes, and that can be a problem.

“Praise is most effective when it is specific and focused on what a child has done,” she wrote in the caption for the post. “‘Well done’ sometimes rolls off the tongue so fast you may miss the effort your child has put into something.”

Dr Deiros Collado notes that “praise is a form of pressure” so the more a parent says “well done” or “good girl/boy” the more their child is likely to rely on their parents’ evaluations and judgement of what’s good or not.

“This can increase anxiety and shrink self-confidence,” she adds.

This pressure can also make some children “pull away” from doing something they’re good at, she suggests.

So, what should parents be doing?

In short: praising effort, not talent, seems to be the best course of action.

A Stanford study of toddlers found doing this led to greater motivation and more positive attitudes towards challenges later in life.

As study author Professor Carol Zweck, told Psychology Today, statements like ‘you’re great’ or ‘you’re amazing’ aren’t helpful because later in life, when they don’t get it right or don’t do it perfectly, “they’ll think they aren’t so great or amazing”.

Dr Deiros Collado recommends talking less and asking more. So if your child draws something, you could ask: “How did you choose those colours?” or “Tell me more about the picture!”

Sometimes, instead of offering praise, silence can be just the ticket. “Let your child share their experience and pride (if it exists) or just let it be. Children do not need praise to be good,” she adds.

And lastly, she suggests you could try an approach where you offer praise and ask questions – she offers the example of saying: “Well done! You put your top on all by yourself. How did you do that?”

Of course, saying “well done” and “good girl/boy” every now and then isn’t going to hurt – but if you can think of creative ways to acknowledge your child’s effort in the things they do, you’ll be helping them in the long-run.

Next Time You Make A Negative Comment About Your Kid, Remember The 3-1 Ratio

Posted on 28/07/2023 by Boris Clair

Having good self-esteem is so important for our mental health – and with social media being exceptionally popular now, it can feel harder than ever to keep our kids feeling confident about themselves and their bodies.

Self-esteem is how a person feels about themselves. According to the charity Young Minds, most children will have dips in self-esteem as they go through different stages or challenges in life, such as bullying or sitting exams.

And as parents, it can be tough to know what to do to help them through these dips in how they feel about, and view, themselves.

Signs of low self-esteem in children

According to the mental health charity, children and young people with low self-esteem might regularly:

have a negative image of themselves
lack confidence
find it hard to make and keep friendships
feel lonely and isolated
tend to avoid new things and find change hard
can’t deal well with failure
tend to put themselves down
are not proud of what they achieve
always think they could have done better
are constantly comparing themselves to their peers in a negative way.

Thankfully there are some relatively easy ways we, as parents, can help boost our children’s self-esteem.

Apply the 3-1 ratio to everyday life

It’s pretty hard to never utter a negative comment to your child (especially when you’ve reached the end of your tether and they’ve been pushing your buttons all day).

According to Big Life Journal, a popular Instagram account offering parenting advice, for every negative comment you make about your child, you should then balance it out with three positive ones.

So, for example, if your child spilled a drink everywhere and you reacted with: “I can’t believe you did that. Why can’t you just hold your cup?”

The experts behind the account advise following up with at least three positive comments to your child that day. So things like: “I noticed you shared with your brother, thank you” or “thank you for putting your jumper away”.

“Scientists discovered that it takes three positive experiences to offset one negative experience,” they wrote in an Instagram post.

“Your child’s brain is wired to remember and focus on negative comments. So, to build your child’s self-esteem, apply this 3-1 ratio.”

Other ways to boost self-esteem, according to Young Minds, include:

Let them know you value effort rather than perfection
Encourage them to try new challenges
Encourage them to voice their opinions and ideas
Ask them about three good things that went well during their day
Acknowledge how they feel and help them to express this in words
Spend quality time together doing things they enjoy.

If Your Child Wants To Change Pronouns, Here’s What You Can Do And Say

Posted on 10/07/2023 by Boris Clair

The topic of children changing pronouns has caused quite the stir of late, with one Tory MP suggesting pronouns should be removed from schools to “protect children” and another saying kids should be banned from changing their pronouns at school.

The reality is though that we need to talk about pronouns. So we might as well be sensible about it.

More and more young people are challenging the concept of gender binary, according to family psychotherapist Fiona Yassin. The therapist has seen “a big increase” in the number of young people pausing and assessing their identity.

In fact, the founder and clinical director of The Wave Clinic, tells HuffPost UK around 60% of children and young people who are treated at the clinic request their pronouns are changed from the ones they were assigned at birth.

And in some cases, these children are pre-teens, which can catch parents off-guard.

“At The Wave Clinic, we’re specifically noticing that gender identity and pronouns are being debated by younger children at the ages of around 10-11,” she says.

“Questions of identity: ‘who am I?’ and ‘who do I want to be?’ are very strongly linked to the developing sense of self.”

Pronouns are words we use in everyday language to refer to ourselves or others, according to Stonewall, and they can be an important way for people to express their gender identity. Some commonly used pronouns are she/her, he/him and they/them.

“Whilst conversations around pronouns and identity have become commonplace amongst children, tweens and teens, the topic is unfamiliar to many parents and carers and they may not necessarily feel equipped with an understanding of, or language to talk about, pronouns and gender identity,” Yassin says.

With that in mind, here’s her advice for parents and carers on how to approach a conversation with a young person who would like to change their pronouns.

1. Stay with the information you’re presented with and avoid jumping ahead

“When a young person tells a parent that they are thinking of – or would like to – change their pronouns, parents often become alarmed that there’s also going to be a change in sexuality,” says Yassin.

And although the two can (and do sometimes) go together, it’s important for parents – and indeed, everyone – to understand that gender identity and sexuality are two different things.

She describes instances where young people have started a conversation about pronouns and have then been pressed by parents on whether they’re gay.

“This often happens because parents feel fearful about the transition their young person is wanting to make. In reality, there are many stages to transitioning and all require gentle communication,” she explains.

So, her key advice is to stay with the information you’ve been given, avoid jumping to conclusions and steer away from questioning your child about their sexuality.

2. Respond in an age appropriate way

If you have an 11-year-old talking to you about changing their pronouns, “it would be inappropriate to dive into a more extreme conversation, for example about surgical or hormonal changes,” says Yassin.

“If the conversation does evolve into this then it’s okay to explore this further. But it’s important to meet them where they are at and not get ahead,” she adds.

3. Be curious and actively listen

The charity Mermaids, which supports trans and gender diverse children and their families, says one of the key things they encourage parents or carers to do is to really listen to their child.

This means hearing and respecting what they are saying, giving them time and space to explore these feelings and what they mean for them as individuals, and taking their young person’s lead, says a charity spokesperson.

One of the most important things parents can do is to be curious, agrees Yassin.

“Without being persecutory or pushy, use this as an opportunity to find out what they are considering around their identity and why, and what different pronouns mean to them,” she suggests.

“Exploring this with your young person can be a beautiful moment – it’s likely that you are both navigating this for the first time. As a parent, you are not there to assert judgement or to share your opinion – acknowledge that your child’s feelings, emotions, thoughts, experiences and viewpoints on the world are likely different to yours.”

4. Set time aside to have a conversation where you won’t be interrupted

If you’re not able to listen properly – for example, it’s during the morning school rush or late at night – you need to gently defer the conversation for a time when you can do so.

Yassin advises parents to “acknowledge you’ve heard your young person and set a time aside when you know you can explore this together”.

So, you could say something like: “Thank you for sharing this with me. I really would like to hear about what you’re experiencing and find out more about your views and opinions on this. Let’s sit down together as a family when we get home and explore this together.”

5. Only invite people into the conversation who you know are open and understanding

If there’s someone in your family who you think will react badly or simply won’t be emotionally available or open to the conversation, it’s worth letting them sit this one out.

“It is better to have the conversation and explore this with your young person without someone who is tricky and has less flexible attitudes,” says the therapist.

“If you need to tell friends or family members who have staunch or more traditional views about your child’s change of pronouns, look to have these conversations without your child’s involvement. This helps to protect your young person from volatile and unhelpful reactions.”

6. Be careful about your choice of words

In the heat of the moment, and without the appropriate warning, you might say something you regret – or that comes out wrong.

Yassin urges parents to tread carefully here, as you don’t want to use any words that could minimise their experience.

“Fluidity is everything in these conversations and defining your young person by using words such as ‘queer’, ‘bisexual’ and ‘heterosexual’, may make them feel boxed-in or marginalised,” she says.

“In addition, some parents can get stuck on the notion that ‘they/them’ pronouns do not sound right or fit snugly into the English language. Avoid using language and phrases that can feel shaming and marginalising, such as, ‘it’s not natural to use they/them’.”

Some parents might also assume their child is following a trend or is in a phase when they decide they want to change pronouns.

As Yassin says: “We hear many parents ask ‘who else in your class/school has changed their pronoun’ or ‘who amongst your friends has done this already’. This line of questioning can feel disempowering and minimising to a young person and could cause quite an angry backlash.”

Plus, research is showing that the majority of children over the last decade or so who have changed their gender pronouns do stick with their decision.

7. Steer clear of shame-inducing language

Don’t shame your child for wanting to change their pronouns. The therapist suggests doing so could “cause harm to a generation of children who, because their parents are not accepting or retaining curiosity, shut down or hide parts of themselves”.

“Young people in the early years of identity development are experimenting and trying things out for size and it’s important that as parents, we encourage our young people to be curious and experiment,” she adds.

8. It’s okay to say you don’t know

If your child is asking questions and you don’t know the answers, it’s OK to admit that.

“Ask your young person if you can join them on their journey of discovery and learn and research together,” suggests the therapist.

“Assume that if your child comes to you with the conversation, it’s likely they have already done a lot of research online and are talking to people who are in the same position as them. Exploring this together can also help to sieve out misinformation and find trusted resources for support.”

9. Accept that you might make mistakes

Chances are you’ll probably make some mistakes along the way, like using the wrong language or stumbling on their pronouns.

“The reality is, we are all human and despite having best-intentions, you may not get it right 100% of the time,” says Yassin.

“Mark this at the outset and talk to your young person about what will happen if you use the wrong name or pronoun. Being open and honest upfront can help to avoid the issue escalating if mistakes are made.”

Mermaid’s spokesperson says some families don’t use any pronouns for a while, to help make the switch, or they have a pronoun jar (a little bit like a swear jar) where they pay up if they make a mistake.

“Acknowledging that getting someone’s pronouns wrong was a mistake and may have caused upset to them, so apologising and correcting yourself is important too,” they add.

10. Consult a gender positive therapist

If a child is considering changing their pronouns, you might also want to seek outside help to ensure they feel supported during this period of change. Mermaids’ helpline, for instance, provides support to parents and carers during this period.

“For some, the change can bring hefty conflict into the family and for some cultures this shift will be very difficult to accept,” says Yassin.

“Parents should happily consult a therapist, particularly a gender affirming and gender positive therapist, who can help to facilitate a conversation with the family about what’s happening and why it might be happening.

“Having professional support can help to avoid fragments and tension appearing within the family.”