Why ‘Find A Job You Love And You’ll Never Work A Day In Your Life’ Is B.S.

“Find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.”

Ever since I entered the workforce about a decade ago, I’ve noticed versions of this expression on inspirational posters, mugs, online memes, laptop stickers and more. The phrase speaks to the idea that if you are passionate about your work, it won’t feel like a chore or a burden, but rather an enjoyable and fulfilling experience in which you want to take part.

This is all a nice idea, but even in a job you love, is it really possible to feel like you’re never working? I spoke to career coaches, psychologists and people who genuinely love their jobs to find out what they think about the expression and how it relates to the reality of work.

It makes sense why the phrase appeals to people.

“When so many people are stressed and burnt out by work, the idea that you could have a job that doesn’t ‘feel like work’ is incredibly appealing,” said Lauren Appio, a psychologist, executive coach and organisational consultant who specialises in mental health at work. “It’s aspirational and soothing for people who live in a culture like ours in the U.S., where there is little social safety net and people typically have to work very hard to make ends meet.”

Many people have very negative relationships with their work. Gallup’s latest State of the Global Workplace report showed job dissatisfaction to be at an all-time high, along with staggering rates of unhappiness and disengagement.

“You hear about the ‘Sunday Scaries’ or a ‘case of the Mondays,’” said career strategist Ana Goehner. “Some people also believe that everyone hates their job. This expression gives people hope that finding a job they love makes their negative feelings about work go away.”

While people commonly attribute the quote to Confucius, there’s very little information regarding the origin of “find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day.” Some citations of the expression date back to the 1980s, but it seems to be even more prominent in the Etsy era of embroidered quote pillows and inspirational memes.

“I think this mantra is almost as millennial as ‘live, laugh, love,’” said Kate Kennedy, author of the upcoming book “One in a Millennial” and host of the “Be There in Five” podcast. “I’m not sure when it became widespread, but I remember hearing it a lot in the early 2010s, whether it was a product of being post-recession, the start-up boom, or being in peak ‘Shark Tank’ America.”

Having entered the workforce amid the economic downturn of the Great Recession, Kennedy believes many young people were made to feel lucky to have any job at all.

“There comes the point of burnout where a lot of the joy is sapped from the hobby when it becomes your meal ticket.”

– Kate Kennedy

“That built-in sense of indebtedness to our employers normalised having a job you tolerated that paid the bills, so having a job you loved seemed like the most glamorous dream of all,” she said.

Meanwhile, technological advancements expanded our career options, with full-time bloggers, Instagram influencers and entrepreneurs monetising their hobbies through e-commerce and other new sources of income. Social media compounded the shift, as we saw people “just like us” showing off their flexible schedules, financial success and other aspects of these new aspirational work lifestyles.

“It’s hard not to find other people’s lives and careers more desirable based on how they portray them online,” Kennedy said. “It’s almost like the volume of options and the frequency of seeing successful examples of exercising those options created a sense of ‘elsewhere’ for careers, where during the moments you are feeling job dissatisfaction, it’s hard not to idealise doing something else.”

But the reality is often detached from the ideal.

“It’s important to acknowledge that not everyone has the luxury of choosing a job they love,” said Elizabeth Pearson, a women’s career coach and author of “Career Confinement.” “For many people, their work is simply a means to an end, and they may not find much enjoyment or fulfilment in it. Additionally, even if you do love your job, there will still be times when it feels like work ― deadlines, difficult projects and long hours can all take a toll on your energy and motivation.”

Having a job you love is no guarantee that you won't face challenges, difficult co-workers and other obstacles that make it feel like work, at least sometimes.

We Are via Getty Images

Having a job you love is no guarantee that you won’t face challenges, difficult co-workers and other obstacles that make it feel like work, at least sometimes.

Stressful situations, terrible bosses, difficult co-workers, economic downshifts and other obstacles can arise no matter how passionate you feel about your work. Thus, “find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life” is, for most people, more of a feel-good statement than a feasible reality.

“I see this idea sold to service professionals: Work for yourself and do what you love,” Goehner said. “But few people discuss the challenges of building a business and performing tasks you dislike. Few people talk about the issues you face and all the learning involved. Doing what you enjoy should be the norm, but it’s still work. You are still trying to make a living.”

Even if you have the freedom to take a leap and monetise your hobby, it probably will still feel like work at times.

“There comes the point of burnout where a lot of the joy is sapped from the hobby when it becomes your meal ticket,” Kennedy said. “The biggest issue for me when I started a product-based business was not having access to capital to outsource or hire out many of the functions to get off the ground efficiently, so it all fell on me to figure out, which ended up with me working way more hours for a lot less money than I made in my corporate job.”

The job doesn’t magically feel like it’s not work once you’ve found a sustainable way to make a comfortable living, either.

“I absolutely love my job, and I’m still beat by the end of the day,” Appio said. “It requires deep, sustained focus and active emotional processing and regulation for hours at a time. Outside of my sessions, I also complete paperwork, manage all of my billing, marketing and communications with clients and colleagues, offer consults for prospective clients, develop and deliver trainings, and pursue continuing education.”

Any job comes with difficult days, including one that overall brings fulfilment and joy. And it’s normal to not always want to devote the required time and effort to the job.

“Even when you find work you love, jobs are temporary,” Goehner added. “In our current economy, you won’t likely spend your entire career with one company and do the same tasks. Even people who dedicate their lives to their careers may have tough days or perform tasks they dislike. You do what you enjoy, receive pay and hopefully get recognised for your efforts.”

What you ‘love’ doesn’t always translate to success or happiness.

“Telling others to ‘do what you love!’ is an oversimplification. Doing what you enjoy is not enough. Doing what you’re good at ― and being willing to stick with something, even when what was fun is no longer so fun ― can be just as important,” said Gorick Ng, a career adviser at Harvard University and author of “The Unspoken Rules: Secrets to Starting Your Career Off Right.”

Consider whether you can leverage certain skills or expertise to succeed in your field.

“Maintaining the belief that work you love isn’t actually ‘work’ can create shame for people who feel burnt out or overwhelmed by work that they do truly love. This is especially common in work like health care, mental health and education.”

– Lauren Appio

“The expression doesn’t help people see possibilities based on where they are in their careers now,” Goehner said. “You can use your skills, gain new ones and find a workplace where you use 60-70% of the skills you enjoy. Sometimes, feeling a sense of expertise and having the freedom to share that at work can help you feel a sense of purpose or connection with your job.”

If you’re feeling drawn to a completely different path, give it a lot of thought and do your research. Ng emphasised that the idea of something is often more interesting than the thing itself.

“Would I like to be a musician? Sure! Can I sing to save my life? No!” he said. “And does singing the same song over and over again in a different city each week still sound fun when I haven’t been home for six months? I’m not so sure.”

“Your number one passion may not be a realistic career,” Goehner added. “I’d love to take care of baby pandas, but the likelihood of this happening is minimal. Also, what you love may not provide a decent living for yourself or your loved ones. It could be a source of income, but you may need to supplement it with another job. Love doesn’t always pay the bills.”

Even if you love a hobby like photography or baking, that doesn't mean you'll necessarily love the business of doing that hobby as a career.

Morsa Images via Getty Images

Even if you love a hobby like photography or baking, that doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily love the business of doing that hobby as a career.

Additionally, consider how you feel about the business of the thing you love, not just the activity or hobby itself.

“It’s great to have a dream job, but it’s also important to remember that you may not like the day-to-day tasks associated with monetising that dream,” Kennedy said. “I started a handmade business selling home decor where I hand-painted things, and I loved the category, I love working with my hands and being creative and I loved the idea of self-employment. But I didn’t spend most of my days doing an artist’s work ― I was mostly buried in things I was less passionate about, like shipping, fulfilment, customer service, and inventory management before I could afford help in those areas.”

Ng shared a time he met a talented photographer and asked if he wanted to pursue his art as a full-time career.

“His response surprised me,” Ng recalled. “He said, ‘I love taking photos, but I hate the business of taking photos. The minute I start relying on photography to pay the bills is the minute I’ll stop loving it.’ Be honest with yourself if you’re thinking of turning an interest into a career. Do you love the business of doing something as much as you love doing the thing itself? Not everyone will say yes to this question and that’s OK.”

The expression sets up workers for dissatisfaction and shame.

One problem with this idea about work? “It can keep people preoccupied with finding their ‘dream job’ and experiencing a chronic sense of dissatisfaction,” Appio said. “Because if your work feels like work ― as work does ― does that mean you’re doing something wrong?”

This fantasy of doing what you “love” and never feeling like you have to work can also lead to feelings of guilt or shame for those who don’t take a huge leap. This is especially true in the age of social media when we frequently see “creators” sharing all the highlights of their careers and few if any of the downsides.

“When I was in a corporate job, I wondered if I had ‘sold out’ or forwent meeting my potential by working in the corporate world,” Kennedy said. “Sometimes, it creates a fear that you actively chose to do something you don’t love when you could have followed your passion.”

There’s a sense of guilt for those who do make the choice to pursue a passion-based career.

“Maintaining the belief that work you love isn’t actually ‘work’ can create shame for people who feel burnt out or overwhelmed by work that they do truly love,” Appio said. “This is especially common in work like health care, mental health and education. Professionals in these areas may feel guilty or ‘ungrateful’ for experiencing compassion fatigue or needing a break.”

She also believes the “find a job you love and you’ll never work” expression can be used to further devalue creative or mission-driven work.

“If you love your job, people will often tell you that you ‘didn’t get into it for the money,’” Appio said. “But we all work to earn money, and even if we’d do our work for free in a different world, we all deserved to be paid well for the work we do.”

But it’s not completely off base.

“This is actually an expression that I believe in myself, and there have been moments where I lived it,” said career coach Jasmine Escalera. “The thing is, I do believe the expression needs to be tailored because it isn’t just about finding work you enjoy, but finding work that is connected to your purpose, to your passions and to your strengths.”

She believes a job that integrates the skills or tasks you’re particularly good at can make you feel inspired and as though you’re not working at all.

“The company culture is such an integral part of enjoying the work, as well,” Escalera said. “So I would say not just find a job you love, but find an environment that will let you be the most successful version of you, and you’ll never feel like you have to work a day in your life.”

Other experts offered their own rewrites of the expression.

“To make the expression accurate, I’d say, ‘Find a job you enjoy and that recognises your efforts, and build time for hobbies and activities that bring purpose outside of work,’” Goehner said. “You are more than your job.”

“I’d tell people if they haven’t found a job they love, to find a job comprised of tasks they like and do what they love on the side,” Kennedy added. “Jobs are often more about the day-to-day than the broader industry or buzzwordy job description, and paying attention to the type of work you find engaging can be a good way to find job satisfaction within the confines of being employed by someone else.”

Whether you’ve monetised a hobby or simply work to pay the bills and seek greater purpose elsewhere, Ng noted that there is no objective right or wrong in your approach to your career, just a difference in personal choices and values.

If you do want to find meaning in work, however, he shared this rewrite: “Find something that brings you joy and purpose every day, and you’ll always have something to look forward to.”

“Ultimately, the idea that you should ‘find a job you love’ is a good one, but it’s not always realistic or feasible,” Pearson echoed. “Instead, it’s important to strive for a job that aligns with your values and provides some level of fulfilment, while also being realistic about the fact that work is still work, even if you love it.”

This story was previously published on an earlier date.

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This Is How Being A People Pleaser Is Ruining Your Career

Being a ‘people pleaser’ sounds like a good thing on the surface, right? You please people?

However, as the British composer Elizabeth Parker once said: “The only thing wrong with trying to please everyone is that there’s always at least one person who will remain unhappy. You.”

This couldn’t be more true in the workplace. While working hard and helping your colleagues can feel good and progress your career, you may soon find yourself burnt out and bitter.

Careers expert and founder of Social Media Jobs, Rob Phelps, spoke with us to explain why people pleasing in the workplace can be harmful, and how to break the cycle.

The dangers of people pleasing in the workplace

It’s a recipe for burnout

While it may just feel like doing ‘small’ things to help others, Phelps warns that saying yes to everything, taking on extra work on top of your own to-do list and prioritising other people’s needs over your own can lead to ‘serious burnout’.

Phelps said: “The constant state of busyness can take over and make it difficult to focus on your core responsibilities, and potentially mean mistakes or missed deadlines, for the sake of helping too many people with their own deadlines.”

It can make you almost invisible

If you spend a lot of your time making sure that you’re helping other people, it’s likely that your own voice and needs will get lost.

Phelps said: “People pleasers often shy away from advocating for themselves or putting forward their ideas, so it can be difficult to get noticed for your contributions and ideas.”

He also warned that this lack of visibility can reduce your chances of getting a promotion or being put forward for new challenges or projects.

It can weaken boundaries

Phelps warned: “People pleasing often means weakening your boundaries, both professionally and personally.

“Your time, expertise, and energy are valuable, and constantly giving them away for free can lead to frustration and resentment, and this can start to bleed into your personal life too.”

He said that you may find yourself checking work emails while on holiday, or saying yes to taking on more tasks when you’re actually off sick, or even accepting friend requests from colleagues on private social media accounts — all of which are ignoring your own boundaries and comfort levels.

How to break free from people-pleasing

Understand why you do it

Phelps said: “The first step is understanding why you feel the need to please everyone around you.

“Is it a fear of disapproval? A lack of clarity on your own goals that makes you take on extra work to avoid having time to work out what you really want?”

He added that talking to somebody you admire at work or even friends and family can help you to get to the root of the underlying cause and address the patterns and start saying no.

Know your own worth

Recognise your skills and contributions! You deserve to be valued for what you bring to the table, and when you feel invisible it can have a serious impact on your confidence in your abilities.

Phelps advised: “Take time to reflect on your accomplishments and successes, to boost your confidence and help you advocate for yourself more effectively.”

Set and keep boundaries

Phelps said: “Setting boundaries isn’t just about saying no to others, it’s about saying yes to yourself. When you prioritise your own growth and wellbeing, you become a more efficient and fulfilled member of the team.”

To do this, you need to learn to politely say no to taking on tasks that aren’t part of your job, explain that you’re prioritising your own workload and offer alternatives solutions if possible.

Phelps added: “You might be surprised at how understanding people are when you stick to your boundaries rather than saying yes to everything.”

Advocate for yourself

Sometimes you have to remind people of everything you do if they’re not paying attention. Don’t be afraid to share your ideas and opinions, even if they’re different from what everyone else is saying. Your perspective is valuable and deserves to be heard.

Be patient with yourself

Finally, Phelps urged, you need to be patient with yourself.

He said: “Remember that change is a gradual process, and after years of saying yes, it can feel strange to start saying no. Be patient with yourself and celebrate progress.

“By putting yourself first, you’ll be able to achieve a healthier work-life balance, and ultimately have a more fulfilling and successful career, rather than letting your desire to keep everyone else happy hold you back.”

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These Are The 10 Job Interview Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

Looking for a new job can feel like a job in itself. You spend so much time sending CVs, cover letters, and preparing for interviews that it eventually starts to feel like a chore.

The whole experience can make you so desperate for a job that you start missing potential warning signs that maybe the job on offer isn’t actually that great. When we’re looking for a new employer, we sometimes forget that we should be interviewing them too. Not everything that glitters is gold, especially when it comes to jobs.

It seems that more Brits are realising this as the search term ‘interview red flags,’ has received a 309.87% increase in the past month, according to Google Trends Data.

Fortunately for us, Tayo Ademolu at Translayte.com has shared the 10 job interview red flags to look out for throughout the interview process with HuffPost UK, so you’ll never wish you said no to an offer again.

They leave you waiting

It’s not unusual for employers to be a few minutes late for an interview, especially if they work in a fast-paced environment.

However, some interviewers can leave candidates waiting in Zooms or physical waiting rooms as an act of power play. If your interviewer leaves you waiting without a form of explanation, this might indicate that they tend to exert power.

Downplaying your experience

It’s natural to feel nervous before or after an interview but if you leave a meeting with a potential employer interview second-guessing yourself you might need to assess that.

If you find that your interviewer is downplaying your experience or is surprised at your salary expectations this may be a sign that they’re attempting to dampen your confidence in a bid to gain an exceptional skillset for a lower-than-average salary.

Having several interview stages

Most job interviews will consist of two to three interview stages. However, if each interview lasts several hours, and includes multiple tasks to the point where it feels that you’re working for them for free, you might need to run.

Ultimately, a workplace that is familiar with your CV and references should not feel the need to put you through several interviews.

If the interview is overly extensive, you should consider if it’s a workplace culture that you really wish to be a part of.

Not being transparent with the salary

If you have entered the interview stages, the workplace should be transparent when discussing salaries. If they are increasingly vague, this could be a red flag as it may be lower than the industry standard.

Getting too personal

Part of the interview process is figuring out if a candidate can fit in with the culture of the company. But, it’s not acceptable for an interviewer to ask personal questions.

Asking if you have children (or plan to), your marital status, your age, or your family background are definite red flags.

A work hard, play hard culture

Does the interviewer frequently talk of after-work drinks, drunken Thursdays, or boozy Friday lunches? After-work drinks are great however if the workplace promotes a ‘work hard, play hard’ culture, there may be an unsaid rule that workplace drinks are mandatory and promote an unhealthy work culture.

Too many perks

Instagrammable offices are cool to look at, but you should be careful of companies that are keen to offer perks that have game rooms and free snacks. Are they offering catering throughout the day because they expect you to consistently work overtime?

These places often use perks in place of pay rises too, so you should be wary of that.

Lack of focus during interviews

If the person interviewing you is looking at their phone or taking part in separate conversations, it could be a sign that they don’t respect you or their colleagues in the workplace.

No feedback after the interview

There’s nothing worse than waiting back on the result of an interview. During the interview, you should ask when you expect to hear from them.

If they leave you waiting several weeks, this is a red flag as it may indicate an unnecessary exertion of power, disorganisation, or lack of respect.

Pressuring you to start straight away

So you’ve managed to get the job, congrats! But, is your potential new place of work pushing you to hand in your notice and start?

Any new workplace should understand that you may take a reasonable amount of time to accept the role. Any pushiness from your potential new workplace may highlight an issue within the company.

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How To Stop Obsessing Over A Mistake At Work

Making mistakes happens to all of us in our careers. But some of us hold on to these mistakes longer than others.

Maybe you lie awake at night still feeling queasy and anxious over the way you frustrated a client by accidentally giving them the wrong information. Maybe you are avoiding co-workers on your team because you feel like they are all judging you for that error, even though it happened last week. If either of these scenarios sounds familiar, you may be prone to obsessing over mistakes.

What fuels these constant worries is the shame of feeling completely inadequate and fear of others discovering your lack of capabilities, says Tanisha Ranger, a Nevada-based clinical psychologist. Once you start obsessing over mistakes because of your shame, it can steamroll into bigger problems like perfectionism.

“Shame often gives way to perfectionism, and perfectionism makes mistakes feel monumental. Essentially, ‘If I don’t do everything perfectly right then I am a failure and everyone will see my defectiveness,’” she says. “I’ve had many clients who struggled with obsessing over mistakes at work. [They lay] awake at night ruminating and beating themselves up over a mistake, not an intentional or careless mess-up, but a mistake.”

There’s a better way to acknowledge a mistake while still letting it go. Here’s how:

1. Put the mistake in perspective

After you make an obvious mistake at work, you may want the ground to swallow you up to save you from the embarrassment, shame and anxiety of facing your co-workers again.

If these worries are keeping you up at night, challenge those thoughts by getting more realistic with your thinking, suggests Shannon Garcia, a psychotherapist at States of Wellness Counselling.

“Will the world end? Nope,” she says. “Will you get fired? Highly unlikely. Will you receive constructive feedback from your boss? Maybe. Will owning up to your mistake be uncomfortable? Probably. Have you survived past mistakes? Seems like it, if you’re reading this. Will you survive this one? Yes!”

Sometimes accidental oversights do hurt your job performance, but it’s important to not catastrophise what happened.

“Sure, it caused a delay. Yes, it may have cost the company some money. OK, it negatively impacted job performance. But is it actually the end of your career? Really? Likely not,” says Ranger. “Shrinking things down to their right size, not ignoring/suppressing and also not overblowing or exaggerating, is an important part of letting things go.”

If it helps, try putting yourself in the shoes of co-workers who have also made mistakes. Once you see the compassion and sympathy you hold for their slip-ups, you may be more inclined to be compassionate about your own.

“When a co-worker has made a mistake in the past, is it something you’ve judged them immensely for? Did you spend your day thinking endlessly about their mistake? No. People at work are likely reacting the same way,” Garcia says. “No one is thinking about this more than you are.”

2. Learn that you don’t have to beat yourself up as penance

To move past a mistake, you also need to rethink what it means to learn from a mistake. If you think turning over every angle of how an interaction with your boss could have gone better, for example, take a deep breath. Give yourself permission to release those thoughts, says organisational psychologist Laura Gallaher of the consulting firm Gallaher Edge.

People ruminate because they believe there are payoffs to worrying so much; they think “A conscientious person would worry about this,” Gallaher says.

“When you know that you can simultaneously be a conscientious person, and also forgive yourself to move forward, it will be easier to do so.”

What Garcia tells her clients the most is “be nice to yourself,” she says. Reframe your worries in a more positive light.

“The fact that you are anxious about it means you care. That’s what your boss, co-workers and customers care about the most,” Garcia says. “Try not to beat yourself up over it. Create an affirmation to repeat to yourself whenever those negative self-talk thoughts pop up: ‘I accept my mistake, I choose to learn from it, and I am moving forward.’”

If you are stuck in the world of “could’ve/should’ve” in regards to your error, be honest with yourself about what you did not know.

Ranger says she works with some clients by asking them to consider why they supposedly “should have known better.” “It’s always so enticing to impose our current knowledge and wisdom on a past version of ourselves that could not have known to make that decision with the information we had at that time,” she says.

3. Don’t hide the mistake. Own what happened, but don’t take on other people’s judgement, too

When you make a big blunder at work, you may instinctually want to shut down, repress it, and forget it ever happened.

If you feel the urge to withdraw, challenge yourself to do the opposite. Be the one to bring it up in conversation with co-workers or your boss.

“If it was something that inconvenienced them, apologise for it,” Garcia says. “Then it’s a conversation happening where you are involved, people are likely to be gracious, and everyone can move on from there.”

It may sound counterintuitive, but being transparent about your mistake and its impact can be healing. “It can feel like a cold shower – before you do it, you fear it and feel uneasy or anxious,” Gallaher explains. “In the moment of being open, it can feel unpleasant at first, but once it’s over, you actually feel more refreshed 99% of the time. Taking accountability without blaming anybody is the most healing.“

Once you model being open and accountable, it may encourage others to do so as well. “Most of the time, when you lead with self-accountability, that vulnerability is courageous, and courage is contagious: People usually respond with their own self-accountability as well,” Gallaher says.

Of course, sometimes being honest about a mistake can also inspire eye-rolling judgement and harsh criticism from mean-spirited colleagues. You should hold yourself accountable for your mistake, but the judgement of your peers is not something you need to take on, too.

“Let them know what you intend to do differently to try to prevent something like this from happening in the future, and then accept that they may move on or they may not. It is outside of your control,” Ranger advises. “Taking on other people’s emotions is detrimental to yourself and makes it difficult for you to treat yourself with the kindness and compassion you deserve from you.”

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The Most Meaningless, Unhelpful Feedback People Get At Work

Getting good feedback is necessary for anyone to grow their career. But too many of us end up receiving unhelpful advice that doesn’t mean anything useful.

Phoebe Gavin, a career coach who specialises in supporting early and mid-career professionals, said she often sees bad feedback fall into two categories: empty praise and vague criticism.

These types of feedback are unhelpful, she said, because what people really want is “to be able identify something specific that they can do that they should either keep doing because it’s working, or something they should adjust because it’s not working.”

Unfortunately, bad feedback is common, and it can even start to infect your own language at work. Here are types of feedback you should rethink.

1. “Great job.”

Popular but vague words of encouragement like this are not actually helpful, because they aren’t tied to a specific outcome related to the role or the organisation. The person hearing it doesn’t “know why they did a great job, what exactly they did a great job at. They don’t know how their great job has an impact. It’s just not very useful,” Gavin said.

It doesn’t encourage anyone to keep up the good work, either.

“The problem with this type of feedback ― although it feels great to receive it ― is that it is not reinforcing any behaviours. In order to turn meaningless feedback into something that will encourage employees to continue to perform, the feedback must be very specific,” said Angela Karachristos, a career coach who has worked in human resources.

“Instead of saying, ‘good job,’ the manager should say give a specific example of what the person did well so that those positive behaviours can be repeated,” she said.

Often, giving too much unhelpful praise is a people-pleasing mistake that first-time managers make as a way to make up for negative experiences they personally had on a team. “A lot of managers over-correct and really lay on the praise, and not give the kind of support through constructive criticism that actually helps people grow,” Gavin said.

2. “I don’t like that.”

Bad criticism stops with what someone did wrong, while good criticism gives them a clear path of what needs to happen differently and how they can do it better next time.

“If you just tell someone, ‘Hey, you missed that deadline, that caused problems,’ sure, that might be valid, but it doesn’t give space to improve with whatever context that person is working in,” Gavin said. “It doesn’t create a conversation where the problem can be solved.”

Gavin said subjective, vague feedback such as, “I don’t like that,” “That doesn’t work for me,” or “I’ve never heard that before” stems from someone reaching into “their own subjective experience and not bringing any other external factors in.”

A better method is to be specific about what’s going wrong, or to have the humility to note that the feedback is just an opinion. It’s the difference between “‘Those colours seem very jarring to me, that’s just how they look to my eye,’ versus ‘I don’t like that, I don’t like that design,’” Gavin said.

3. “You need to work on your attitude.”

In her book Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity, management expert Kim Scott writes that a lot of bad work criticism falls into the trap of highlighting personal traits rather than having external causes of a problem acknowledged.

“It’s easier to say, ‘You’re sloppy’ than to say ‘You’ve been working nights and weekends, and it’s starting to take a toll on your ability to catch mistakes in your logic.’ But it’s also far less helpful,” Scott writes, noting that better criticism makes it clear that a work problem is not “due to some unfixable personality flaw,” and can be used as a tool for improvement.

Karachristos said that a common example of this kind of personal criticism is “You need to work on your attitude.” “Any type of feedback that is focused on the person or that person’s personality, and not the work, can be very problematic,” she said.

At worst, when job performance feedback is tied to a person’s identity, it can be used to hold their career back. Women of colour, in particular, are given subjective labels like “difficult,” “angry” or “challenging” in performance reviews – words that signal they are not a “fit” in a workplace or don’t “fit” a manager’s homogenous idea of success.

Nadia De Ala, founder of Real You Leadership, a group coaching program for women of color, said her clients deal with feedback – often unsolicited – about their natural tone of voice and how they dress, rather than about actual points of improvement on their work.

One client asked a co-worker for help with compiling marketing research for a promotion and was told, “You’re not going to get promoted if your voice goes up at the end of sentences. You don’t sound confident.”

“This type of feedback was unhelpful because it was unsolicited advice and had nothing to do with market research,” De Ala said.

It speaks to how feedback is not just words: It can make or break an employee’s experience and even push them to leave. Gallup research found that when a boss’ feedback makes employees feel demotivated, disappointed or depressed, four out of five of those employees start to job-hunt.

Sometimes, the feedback can be right, but still be wrong because of how the message is delivered.

If you’re in a position to give feedback, recognise that not everyone likes to hear it the same way.

“You have to be sensitive to where you do it. You might feel like it’s great to publicly recognise the person, but some people hate that. It makes them feel embarrassed,” Karachristos said.

Karachristos said it’s also a mistake for peers and managers to publicly criticise a group when they really intend that message for one person.

“That person will never get the message, and then my whole team is going to get annoyed that I’m down on the whole group, or not necessarily respect me as a team leader or colleague because I’m not brave enough to address the problem,” Karachristos said.

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