Do you spend countless hours scrolling on your phone? We’re probably all aware by now of the potential impact on our mental health and wellbeing. But how you use your smartphone has implications for your physical health, too.
Is your phone in your hand right now? Ask yourself: how are you holding it? Is the bottom edge resting on your little finger, the back on your index and maybe your third and fourth fingers – while your thumb does all the scrolling?
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Yep, us too. But it’s not good for us. Your pinkie and thumb are the fingers that are most impacted when holding a smartphone or tablet. If you grip or clutch your phone a lot, this can also cause your thumb and fingers to cramp or become inflamed, a condition known informally as “smartphone finger.”
But your wrists and arms can also be affected by the way you use it.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but, when you’re using your phone, stop using your pinky as an anchor. It’s destroying your wrist and aggravating your ulnar nerve.
This tweet went viral this week, forcing many of us to reconsider how we’re using our smartphones. How valid is its claim?
Sorry to have to break it to you, but Ben Lombard, a member of the Chartered Society of Physiotherapy, confirms to HuffPost UK that it’s all true.
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“We tend to hold our phones with the little finger underneath supporting the weight of the phone and our wrist turning inward to told the screen to our faces,” says Lombard. “This can cause ulnar nerve compression if sustained for long periods of time.”
The ulnar nerve is one of three main nerves in your arm – it runs from inside the elbow and along your inner forearm into your palm, pinkie side, and transmits electrical signals to muscles in both the forearm and hand.
The nerve can get trapped either by prolonged stretching – when your elbow is bent – or prolonged pressure, from leaning on the handlebars of a bike, say, or using hand tools, according to John Hopkins Medicine. Or your beloved phone.
A 2017 study found a link between the extended use of smartphones and a greater likelihood of experiencing another painful wrist and hand disorder.
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According to lead author Peter White, assistant professor in the department of health technology and informatics at Hong Kong Polytechnic University: “Caution may be warranted when using hand-held electronic devices in order to minimise the chance of developing carpal tunnel syndrome.”
Carpal tunnel syndrome can develop following repeated pressure to the point where the median nerve passes into the hand and meets the wrist – the carpal tunnel – which is surrounded by bones and ligaments, palm side of your hand.
Work conditions that call for “repetitive, forceful, or awkward hand movements, for example, when typing” are a common cause for carpal tunnel syndrome, which can result in pain, numbness, finger tingling, and weakened grip strength.
To find out if smartphone usage increased people’s chances of getting it, White and his colleagues followed up on a prior survey of 500 University of Hong Kong students, that split students into two groups: those who used portable devices for more than five hours a day and non-intensive users (who used them less than five hours a day). More than half (54%) of the intensive group reported musculoskeletal pain and/or discomfort, compared to 12% of the other group.
The new study targeted 48 students from the earlier study. Half were intensive users who spent more than nine hours a day (on average) using their device. Other students spent less than three hours a day on their devices.
Researchers found those who were part of the intensive group had significantly more and increased discomfort in their wrists and hands. The longer time a person spent using a handheld electronic device, the harder and longer their pain was.
And that’s not all. There’s also the potential for painful neck-ache. As physio Ben Lombard warns: “The position of the neck is also heavily invoked, as we tend to be stuck looking down if standing up. Or, even worse, if we are lying down using our phones, we will often be holding our neck in an extended position which can compress the nerves.”
So, other than avoiding the “pinkie anchor”, can we change the way we hold our phones to lessen any collateral damage. Not really, says Lombard, who instead recommends more mindful use of your electronics – could you be reading or watching content on a larger computer or TV screen, for instance, rather than a hand-held device?
“Ultimately, there is no ‘optimal’ way to hold your phone,” he says. “Just consider the amount of time you use it and how you use it.”
Below, mental health practitioners across America share how they’re coping with so much uncertainty, and the techniques they personally use when they start to worry about Covid getting bad again.
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I remind myself this isn’t my first Covid rodeo.
“In times like these, I remind myself: I am not a pro at living through a pandemic, but I am not a novice, either. I remind myself that I can take precaution and maintain the way I have been for over a year. I can do the best that I can. My best is enough.” ― Akua Boateng, a psychotherapist in Philadelphia
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I practise gratitude.
“It’s always helpful to focus on what we can control, but focusing on what we are grateful for is transformative. Practising gratitude always helps my anxious worries melt away. When the world feels uncertain, I love to physically write down on paper all the things I’m grateful for that come to mind, no matter how big or small. This small gratitude practice helps me shift my thinking away from ‘powerless’ to ‘powerful,’ from feeling like a victim to feeling like a victor. (As a mental health professional, I know that gratitude rewires our brains’ thought patterns for the better!) And in the moments my mind seems to want to cling extra-hard to anxiety, I take the opportunity to call a friend and share what’s on my mind. Connecting with another human being for a little compassion and empathy is always a good idea!” ― Therese Mascardo, a psychologist and founder of Exploring Therapy
I let myself process all my emotions about Covid: the good, the bad and the ugly.
“I personally give myself permission to name and experience the wide range of emotions stemming from the current pandemic and new variant; these feelings range anywhere from grief, anger, helplessness to hope. I let these feelings run through me and also share my thoughts and feelings with my support system of family and friends. This reminds me that I’m not alone with what I am experiencing.” ―Alyssa Mancao, a licensed clinical social worker in Los Angeles
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“I practise regular self-validation and self-compassion, meaning that I allow and accept the emotions that show up with kindness, and without allowing self-judgment and self-criticism to prevail. Emphasis on ‘practice’ here, not perfection. At the end of the day, we’re all humans going through a shared traumatic experience together. I allow myself space to take time for myself, consider what I’m capable of, workload-wise (aware that I have the privilege to do that), and recalibrate and adjust as these times ahead change.” ―Brooke Huminski, a psychotherapist in Providence, Rhode Island
I limit the amount of Covid news I consume.
“What helps me to manage my Covid anxiety is to set limits and boundaries around the information that I am consuming. That can look like only watching the news for 10 minutes per day and not constantly refreshing my feeds. It is also helpful to set boundaries with friends and family in terms of sharing news stories, fatality rates and other information that can affect my mood. Simply stating, ‘Hey, I appreciate you wanting to keep me in the loop of what is going on, but these articles are creating more anxiety for me.’ Especially since we are all managing a climate in which there are so many opinions and an influx of false information spreading, it is important to filter what you are consuming and set boundaries.” ― Aaliyah Nurideen, a licenced clinical social worker in New Jersey
I ground myself in nature.
“Even though all I want to do after a long day of sessions is collapse on my couch and eat Cheez-Its, I force myself once or twice a week to the beach where I can put my feet in the sand and listen to the waves. Take an evening walk or sit on my back patio and listen to the birds chirping.” ― Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego
With so much out of my control, I’m focusing on what I can control.
“To me, the key to handling worry (whether it’s about Covid or anything else) is to make decisions about what I can actually control and then redirect my attention to what I’m actually doing with my time in the present moment. So if worry comes up about the latest COvid news, for instance, I might take some brief time to decide if I want to update any personal decisions I’ve made about activities or precautions in my life related to COvid. That should be a relatively quick thing (lingering for too long in decision-making mode is bad for anxiety), and then I try not to analyse questions I can’t actually answer, like ‘When will this end?’ or ‘Will I get Covid?’ Those questions are impossible to answer with certainty, so instead of trying to eliminate the uncertainty, I allow the uncertainty to exist and redirect my attention towards whatever activity I am actually doing with my time in that moment. Basically what I’ve just described there is mindfulness and acceptance of uncertainty, which are proven effective strategies for anxiety and worry.” ― Michael Stein, a psychologist in Denver specializing in anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder
“In grappling with my own Covid anxiety, I’ve worked on more actively accepting uncertainty. This means recognising when things are outside of my control, and gently encouraging myself to release any attempts I’m making to control those things. At the same time, I’m also staying mindful of the things that are still within my control – even if they feel small. We all make numerous decisions throughout the day – from what we eat, to what we wear, to who we interact with ― and reminding myself that I have choice in all of those things helps me to stay connected to my sense of agency in the world and my own capacity as a human being.” ―Madison McCullough, a psychotherapist in New York City
I try to meditate every day.
“I’ve committed to a morning and evening meditation practice. Even if I only have five minutes, it really grounds me as I enter the day and night. Insight Timer is a fantastic free app that provides a variety of meditations to meet your personal needs.” ―Aimee Martinez, a psychologist in Los Angeles
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I try not to overextend myself.
“I’m a psychologist and a human: I have to contend with the same rush of emotions when I see the news stories involving loss, the politicisation of the virus and vaccine, and ‘business as usual’ even in the face of crisis. What has helped me over the past 19 months is figuring out what is in the locus of my control: that is, how can I not take blame for national events and focus more on what is more proximal to me? For example, just because I do an interview urging vaccinations on CNN does not mean I should see a spike in appointments the next day. What I can do, however, is check in on the one person I had a conversation with about vaccinations, to see how I can support their decision with evidence and love. But sometimes even checking in [on] other people can be a big source of frustration. That means limiting my locus just to myself: Am I wearing a mask? Am I sleeping and eating right? Have I sent loving messages to those around me? Just those seemingly small check marks can reduce the anxiety I have about exposure, increased risk, or supporting my loved ones.” ―Riana Elyse Anderson, a psychologist and assistant professor at the University of Michigan School of Public Health
I’m practising radical acceptance.
“Right now, I am practising radical acceptance (a distress tolerance skill). I have accepted the uncertainty of the situation, which doesn’t mean I like it or want it, but means I have chosen to say to myself, ‘This just is what it is and I cannot control this situation. I am focusing on what I can control.’ I focus on having a relaxing morning routine and doing things that relieve stress every day.” ― Rebecca Leslie, a psychologist in Atlanta
I lean into my hobbies.
“Arkansas is a Covid hot spot, so my Covid policies are self-care via masking, doing only telehealth sessions with clients, being vaccinated, and going out only when necessary, though I walk in nature for an hour daily with my dogs. To stay challenged, I’m learning two new hobbies ― knitting and woodworking. Bottom line, there’s a lot of lemonade that can be made from pandemic lemons.” ― Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist in Little Rock, Arkansas, and co-host of “Curly Girls Relationship Show”
I seek harmony.
“When Covid became a thing, my big focus was on creating balance in my life. I worked hard at balancing being a great therapist, being my most present self to my two toddler children, being a listening ear to my medical colleagues working on the front lines, being an anchor to my extended family as they grieved the loss of several family members and friends, and taking the baton from my husband as he took on the lion share of pandemic parenting. This time around, I seek harmony. I am striving to live in the flow of my life by establishing routines, permitting myself not to follow routines, creating structures in my life, and allowing myself room to move within those structures. Less abstractly, I am listening more to what I need to be there for others. I am also accepting the limitations to my excellence. I am not here to find balance in all the many responsibilities and goals I have. I am here to live my life to the fullest, which means living in the flow of the good, bad, and blah days.” ―Dana Crawford, a psychologist and cultural bias consultant in New York City
I remind myself I’m doing all I can to stay safe.
“When I begin to feel anxious, as we all do ― often triggered by something I heard on the news, or a notice from my child’s school about another infection ― I fall back on cognitive behavioral tools. I remind myself of the statistics with this virus. Despite the high infection rate and the virulence of the delta virus, the death rate is still low. I remind myself that I am doing all I can do by following medical advice. I choose to put the rest of my worry on a shelf. I also choose to enjoy this present moment and not allow my fear to steal it from me. I will often repeat this to myself a few times, add some deep breaths and distract myself with a healthier thought, and I’m on my way again.” ―Zoe Shaw, a psychotherapist, relationship coach and author of “A Year of Self-Care”
As someone who’s had more than 20 jobs (fluctuating from temporary positions to career-defining roles), nearly all of my interviewers have been white.
Each interview I’ve stepped into, I’ve known my otherness – my ethnicity, my religion, and even my gender – was going to be a player during this time.
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Though I’ve used this to my advantage to impress employers, I wish I’d spent time being wooed by them too. Because I’ve ended up working for companies which are toxic, ruthless and uncaring.
Understandably, the power dynamics in a job interview are unlike anything else; you’re supposed to show yourself off and grovel for approval. That doesn’t leave a lot of time to get to know the company and how it can benefit you.
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The only part of the process – the “Do you have any questions for us?” segment – is usually a closing feature, where participants often ask questions that will say more about them, than the company (the “look, I’ve done my research about you” trick).
But there’s a real reason to use the final moments of an interview to quiz your interviewers and get to the nitty gritty. After all, you also need to find out if the company is the correct fit for you – and crucially, how they nurture diverse talent.
A few months ago (before joining HuffPost), I was interviewed for a leadership position, but I had a lot of questions and arranged for a follow-up interview where I could take the time to enquire about everything.
I’m glad I did, because the recruiters showed their true colours. When it came to negotiating salaries, I was told by the CEO it was concerning for me to discuss money for a role that was otherwise a ‘compliment’ to me.
I promptly wrote the letters NO on my notebook as he spoke, deciding to reject the offer. Given that ethnic minority women are overlooked for such positions and grossly underpaid (Black, Asian and other minority ethnicities lose out on £3.2 billion a year in wages compared to white colleagues doing the same work), it didn’t feel concerning at all to bring up money.
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If we didn’t have this conversation so early on, I may have ended up working for a company that would make me unhappy. It might feel like you’re being ungrateful, but there’s merit in quizzing your interviewer – it shows recruiters you’re keen to know your place in the company, as well as signalling to you any potential red flags about them.
For 27-year-old Masuma*, a Muslim woman from Manchester, who applied for a marketing position, asking questions about faith provisions led to positive changes.
“I once asked if there was a prayer space and the reply was ‘you can use the board room but there’s usually meetings in there so maybe avoid booking it during lunch breaks’ – which were prayer times so that was going to be a problem,” she tells HuffPost UK.
“While I never got the job, because it was definitely out of my reach, I got an interview anyway. The recruiters really liked me and then offered me a role that was linked to the original. I took the job because it was really exciting and since then, I’ve voiced a lot of my concerns regarding prayer space and other things like diversity and inclusivity, which they’ve listened to.”
For 33-year-old Hina Jabeen, from Solihull, West Midlands, asking questions resulted in a confrontation which secured her feelings towards the recruiter.
“I’m an expert at interviewing,” she says. “Over the past two years since being made redundant, I’ve interviewed 174 times including getting to final stages. And the majority of the time there was a 50/50 rate of rejections against me rejecting the offer.”
For Jabeen, the answers to questions she had left her disappointed, so she turned offers down. Some of the questions interviewers asked her, including invasive ones about her childcare responsibilities, also resulted in rejections on her part.
“I rejected eight offers where I had put in my CV with a western name and when they offered the role under the western name, I rejected the offer and explained that my CV/application under my actual name wasn’t even considered. Both applications were identical, just name changes,” she says. “In the interview, I asked why and they denied any bias and accepted my rejections. There was one incident where the company identified bias and ‘took action to rectify the discrepancy’.
“But 176 interviews later and I finally have the perfect role, so [I’m] happy with the combination of rejections.”
Of course, there’s a way to be tactical about questioning your interviewers – and Hira Ali, an author, career coach, and leadership trainer, advocates doing it in a strategic way.
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“A relevant and appropriate number of questions may be three to five, which indicates genuine interest and natural curiosity,” explains Ali. “Asking questions also shows that you have done your research and that you have knowledge of the role and the industry―it’s also another opportunity to demonstrate your confidence and highlight your knowledge and experience. Finally, the right questions can help you decide whether this company is aligned with your goals and aspirations or not.”
To gauge compatibility, asking certain questions will also be beneficial, especially if you’re an ethnic minority trying to understand the company’s diversity.
Ali adds: “I would definitely recommend asking about the team’s diversity composition and what measures they have in place to ensure that people from minority backgrounds are given ample opportunities to thrive and reach the top. And if it’s not satisfactory, ask for the challenges they are currently facing in implementing it and how they aim to address it. Honesty and transparency is always preferable over half-hearted cover-ups lacking authenticity.
“The interview is also a key opportunity to find out how you can turn your diversity into a competitive advantage and leverage your uniqueness. It’s also useful to throw in questions about your potential career trajectory if you are selected and what are the key qualities or deliverables of the most successful people at the company.“
As a minority in the workplace, Black, Asian and other groups may feel alienated from the rest of the team, affecting their self-confidence.
“People from marginalised backgrounds often shy away from advocating for themselves, expressing their talents, and showcasing their achievements in case they are labelled as ‘braggarts’ or as ‘trying too hard,’” explains Ali.
“They are not only hesitant to put themselves forward, but also show reluctance in raising complaints, or voicing concerns for fear of being judged ill-favourably. They may feel as if asking too many questions will make them appear incompetent or ignorant or even difficult.”
Ali says that many people she has coached from minority backgrounds are afraid of putting their vulnerability out in the open. The idea of exposing how they really feel or think or opening themselves up can seem “dangerous and risky”.
“Because the latter are reluctant to speak their mind, they are often viewed as lacking self-confidence,” she adds. “However, in any interview, it’s crucial to show your worth and defy these internal barriers. It’s only people who carry themselves with confidence and who clearly vocalise their asks that typically get noticed more.
“Research reveals that recruiters show clear preference for people who are confident and display powerful posing despite being unaware of the interviewee’s background, hypothesis and conditions.”
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So come with confidence, and ask everything you intend to – it might help you make up your decision when you finally land that offer.
Beyoncé, the multi-hyphenate queen that she is, has achieved a lot.
On her 40th birthday, she remains the first artist to debut at number one on the Billboard 200 with their first six solo studio albums, she has broken the record for the most Grammys won by a woman, and is one of the world’s biggest trailblazers.
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Most of us pale in comparison. And when it comes to birthdays, it’s especially difficult to not tally up all that we’ve achieved.
But comparing yourself to the greats or even those around you can have serious detrimental effects. At cliched as it sounds, there is only one you, marching to the beat of your own drum towards your own timeline.
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Grammy or not, there’s a lot to celebrate if you’re approaching a big birthday (let’s not forget to commend our sheer resilience in navigating the pandemic). And it seems plenty of people are doing just that.
We spoke to four people about milestone ages – and how they’re rejecting ideas of where they’re “supposed” to be.
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“Time is precious and short.” – Vicky Clapham, business owner, 40, Leeds
“I actually feel ok about turning 40 – and much more accepting than reaching 30! I have more of a ‘age is but a number’ type mentality.
“For my birthday this year I’m having a party at my home with family and friends followed by a weekend away sans children with my husband, best friend and her husband. We’re going to see the Tina Turner musical and can’t wait! I’ll really enjoy doing these things that only a few short months ago wouldn’t have been an option.
“I do think a birthday can be a bit of catalyst to think about what you have or haven’t achieved, and changes that need to be made. Personally, I don’t feel like that now. It was definitely something I was more conscious about when I was younger – especially the pressure around having children, getting married, career etc.
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“I’m much more self-assured and accepting now and realise that everyone is on their own path. Time is precious and short – which this last 18 months has been an incredibly stark reminder of – and you’ve just got to make the most of it, including celebrating getting older.”
“As I turn 30, I actually feel a level of freedom.” – Taimour Ahmed, mental health consultant, 30, Lisbon
“There really is societal pressure to achieve things by a certain age and in my view, it’s quite detrimental to our mental wellbeing, [causing us to] chase things and achievements we think we want, when in reality this might not be the case.
“As I turn 30, I actually feel a level of freedom, knowing that I am setting my own pace in life as opposed to living to society and other peoples’ rhythm, which effectively destroyed my mental wellbeing.
“In terms of achievements [we’re expected to reach], it’s very black and white i.e. progressing on the corporate career ladder, having a property and potentially being married, depending on your cultural context.
“In my view it’s not possible to achieve them because 1) London living is so expensive 2) we need to better understand at a base level whether or not these things are actually what we want.”
“Covid and turning 30 have made me reconsider what’s important in my life.” – Joanne Goldy, marketing specialist, 30, Isle of Man
“I’d love to say that I’m not sweating it, turning 30, but I do have mixed feelings. On the one hand I’m telling myself that 30 is only a number and other clichés like ‘you’re only as old as you feel,’ but I can’t help feeling a little sad that my 20s and that time of my life is over.
“I definitely feel more reflective around this birthday than I have in previous years. For my birthday, I’m hoping to have a big family get together – less to do with celebrating my birthday and more about reconnecting in light of the Covid situation. Both that and turning 30 have made me reconsider what’s important in my life.
“Ageing is an interesting one for women as many of us naturally begin to question if/when is the ‘best’ or ‘right’ age to have children. In part I feel there’s a societal expectation to have settled down by or in your 30s, but there’s also a biological pressure there too. Many female friends my age already have children and although kids aren’t on my radar right now, it’s tricky not to compare lives sometimes and wonder ‘is time running out?’. At the end of the day, there will always be societal expectations of some sort around age, but my opinion is that most people are fortunate to have the choice of whether to live up to them or not.
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“I used to be very future-driven and focused on having achieved x,y,z by age x. Over the last couple of years though, my outlook has changed significantly; I now try to focus much more on living in the present (literally day to day) and avoid thinking too much about the bigger picture or ticking things off by a certain age.”
“I never beat myself about anything”– Sarah Lee, mum, 50, Worthing
“I turned 50 this year and I felt fine, and quite proud, actually. Unfortunately my birthday was spent at home with my husband due to Covid. However, he did a gorgeous breakfast spread for me.
“I never beat myself about anything, take every day as your last, do things when you can or when monies allow, don’t stress as life is too short.”
Home organisation has really had a moment in recent years. And even after the world was introduced to Marie Kondo, the extra time we’ve all spent at home during the Covid-19 pandemic has further underscored the value of tidying up.
“Many people suffer with disorganisation for a long time before making changes,” Lisa Zaslow, a professional organiser at Gotham Organizers, told HuffPost. “It’s worth it to fix all the ‘little’ problems that annoy you every day – the kitchen drawer where you can’t easily find a can opener, the closet rod that’s so stuffed with clothes you need a crow bar to remove a jacket, the flimsy hangers that your clothes keep falling off. Taking the time to conquer your organisation problems will improve your quality of life.”
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But tackling a cluttered home and creating systems that work for you and your family can be very challenging. Inevitably, many folks commit organising faux pas along the way. To help those who aspire to keep a tidy space, we asked experts to share the biggest mistakes they see people make with home organising. Read on for 19 approaches to avoid (and their advice for getting it right).
Buying Containers Before Decluttering
“One of the most common mistakes that I’ve seen people make when organising their homes is buying organising tools (containers, gadgets, labels, etc.) before they sort and purge. Sorting your belongings into trash, donate, and keep categories is not just to help you get rid of unnecessary or unwanted items. It also serves the purpose of helping you to realise not only what you have, but also how much of it you actually have.” ― Carolyn Rogers, professional organising consultant at Neat Nerd Solutions
“People purchase items to ‘get organised’ without engaging in a few good de-cluttering sessions! It’s almost as if folks believe that it’s the product that will ‘get and keep’ you organised, and not a dramatic shift in habits, behaviours, or relationships to the stuff and space that will actually increase the likelihood that you will find success as an organised person when you don’t have a lot of stuff to keep track of.” ― Regina Lark, professional organiser at A Clear Path
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Not Taking Measurements
“When it comes to organising, size matters. This is especially true if you’re seeking a specific aesthetic. Those super cute baskets don’t look the same if they are too large and hanging off of the shelf where you planned for them to reside. Or an under-sink storage item that doesn’t actually fit under the sink is not useful. How about the Christmas decoration containers that are too small or you didn’t buy enough to hold all of your decorations. Be sure to obtain measurements for both the space and the item(s) that you plan to occupy it.” ― Rogers
“Please don’t eyeball a shelf or a closet or a drawer and guesstimate what kind of bin or helpful divider or hanging pocket shoe rack might fit. Measure the hell out of any drawer or door or shelf before ordering online or in person. Width, depth, height are your friends and so is a tape measure.” ― Jeni Aron, professional organizer at Clutter Cowgirl
Being Overly Ambitious
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“People often bite off more than they can chew and get totally overwhelmed. Instead of tackling ‘your whole closet,’ start with a section of shoes or the dresser. Keeping the projects small and manageable will keep things from feeling too overwhelming.” ― Tova Weinstock, professional organizer at Tidy Tova
“A common challenge when organising at home is being overly ambitious. Instead of creating mini-projects and taking small steps, people try to do too much at once. This can be de-motivating, debilitating, cause burnout, and prevent them from reaching their organising goals.” ― Linda Samuels, professional organiser at Oh, So Organized
“Don’t burn out by devoting an entire weekend on a project. I break my sessions up into three-hour blocks. It can be tiring and emotionally draining work depending on the project. Do smaller bursts of work so that you keep your motivation and energy going. Set a timer if you have to and take lots of breaks.” ― Aron
Not Paring Down
“A typical challenge people encounter with home organisation is underestimating the power of the edit. Before deciding the best way to organise a space, it is essential to release those things you no longer need, want, or use, so you can create ‘homes’ for the keepers.” ― Samuels
“I’ve had clients hold on to ‘mementos’ ― broken, torn, and/or nonfunctional items ― and keep old cords even when they don’t know what device the cord connects too.” ―Nicole Arroyo, professional organiser at Neatly Nic
Getting Too Fixated On Instagram
“It’s not uncommon that people will try to force popular organising solutions into their life rather than use the ones that work best for them. While you may need to make slight adjustments to your lifestyle and daily routines in order to be and stay more organised, you want to select the solutions that work best for your life, not that look the best on Instagram.” ― Jeffrey Phillip, professional organiser and interior designer
“Most of the home organising photos that are shown on Instagram are staged. In real life, no one has rainbow clothes (or only one colour clothing), rainbow food in the refrigerator, or rainbow anything. If you look closely at the before and after pictures of pantries on Instagram, for example, you’ll find that few of the products are the same. When you look at refrigerator photos on Instagram, there are no leftovers, milk, or juice. You can either organise a space or stage a space for a picture.” ― Barbara Reich, professional organiser at Life Organized
“People tend to purchase organising supplies for their ‘cuteness’ versus whether they will actually use it or not! When my team is called in to help a client ‘get organised,’ we see a LOT of organising products that are unused, poorly used, or used-to-overflowing.” ― Lark
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“Don’t compare your home or space to someone else or a catalog look. Organising is about functionality. While the visual appeal comes with it, that’s not the goal. The goal is to maximise space, minimise stress and save time. So systems need to be centreed around that and not just making it look pretty.” ― Pooja Naik, organizing consultant at Organising With You, Inc.
Storing Everyday Items In Inconvenient Locations
“Don’t put everyday items in hard-to-reach places. Instead, keep items you use all of the time close by.” ― Sarah Giller Nelson, owner of Less Is More Organising Services
Overfilling Spaces With Containers
“A common pitfall to avoid is overfilling spaces and containers. A good organising system is easy to access and has room to grow. If you have to stuff items to fit them in the designated location, you are likely to become frustrated and the system will fail.” ― Seana Turner, founder of The Seana Method
Getting Hung Up On Making Decisions
“That’s all clutter is: postponed decisions. If your gut is telling you to hold onto it, then hold onto it. This is not the only opportunity you have let go of an item. There is always the second-round edit. Keep it moving!” ― Julie Naylon, professional organiser at No Wire Hangers
Dumping Everything Out At Once
“Don’t dump everything out! That will create a massive, scary mess. Instead, work on one area at a time and put things back as you go.” ― Weinstock
“Once we taste the satisfaction of organising, the overachiever in us may be tempted to take on the entire house at once! Our success fills us with an energy that makes us feel like we can conquer an entire world of unorganised closets, drawers, and pantries. But soon after pulling everything out, our energy starts to wane and we may find ourselves in what looks like a disaster zone. We then have to resist the urge to stuff everything back into those closets, drawers and pantries to eliminate the overwhelm of visual chaos. Instead, we should try to pace ourselves and harness that fiery energy.” ― Kellie Powell, lead professional organiser and chief operating officer of Dexterous Organising
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“Don’t take everything out of a space. If the space is large, you may end up with things all over the place and then not have time to put them away properly. I advise taking items out one at a time. What will be discarded or donated, should get placed in a separate place. Then, when you are left with only what you’ll keep, you can take it out and determine where things will go.” ― Reich
Not Labelling After Organising A Space
“You think you’ll remember that you put holiday decorations in a box at the top of the closet. You won’t. Get a big Sharpie or a label maker and clearly note what you’ve put where.” ― Zaslow
“The best way to ensure that a space is maintained is by labelling everything, so there’s no question of where everything belongs.” ― Reich
Allowing Too Much Time Between Organising Sessions
“It’s easy to lose momentum and backtrack on progress so it’s important to have consistency, even if it’s a little bit everyday until you achieve your organizing goals.” ― Naik
Putting Unrelated Items In Bins
“I often see people putting unrelated things in a bin and calling it organised. While they have put the items away so that their home is neat and tidy, they haven’t separated and categorised the items in an organised way. This stops them short of the benefits of organisation such as saving time and frustration as well as being able to more easily retrieve and put away the item(s) they’re looking for.” ― Phillip
Organizing More Than One Space At A Time
“Let’s say you are organising your desk and you find something that really belongs in the kitchen junk drawer. You walk over to put it in that drawer only to realise that it needs decluttering, too. As you are decluttering space No. 2, you find something that belongs in your room. You go to put it away in your closet, find there is no space in there, then start organising that area, too. Now you have three organising projects going at once, are running out of time, and are too overwhelmed to know what to do next. Instead, as you begin your organising project, grab a bin or laundry basket to collect ‘move elsewhere’ items. Only after you are done with the first space should you attempt to put the ‘move elsewhere’ items in their respective homes.” ― Nelson
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Piling Items To Be Donated In A Corner
“Resist the urge to simply pile donations in a corner to be disposed of ‘later.’ Move items out to their final destination right away. Otherwise, you are likely to second guess your decisions and suffer unnecessary doubt. Alternatively, you may become so accustomed to seeing the piles that you stop noticing them, abandoning them to take up space for extended periods of time.” ― Turner
Creating Systems That Don’t Have An ‘Exit Strategy’
“We are always accumulating things, but the amount of space in our houses is fixed. While it is very satisfying to have homes for every item you own, if you don’t continually edit your collections, your home will start to feel cluttered. Buy the clothes you need and love, but also keep a donation bag at the foot of your closet for those you don’t. Create a paper management system, but once a document no longer serves its purpose don’t feel obliged to keep it around because you made a file folder for it.” ― Nelson
Overthinking Everything
“People over-categorise. Keep it simple and don’t make your categories so complex that you can’t keep up with it. Simple systems will not only benefit you but everyone else in your home. When I’m working with a client where there is excess I always create a ‘back stock’ area. A great example of this is office supplies. You don’t have to keep every pen you own on your desk.” ― Naylon
Not Getting The Other Inhabitants On Board
“When you’re living or working alone, being organised is a lot easier! When you live with a spouse/partner/roommate it takes some joint effort and accountability. And when you have kids (at any age) it can sometimes feel impossible and never-ending. Same goes for being organised at work. There has to be some level of joint expectation and priority of what the environment should look like. Similarly, the systems that are set up need to work for everyone involved so that they can follow it. For example, taking children’s height into consideration when creating a mudroom so that they can easily hang up their jackets and book bags without asking someone else.” ― Melissa Levy, founder of Declutter + Design
Failing To Maintain
“Although cleaning and organising are two completely different things, they do have one important thing in common… maintenance! We never want to make the mistake of thinking that organising is a one and done undertaking. Just as we cannot expect our homes to stay spotless after one day of valiant efforts to clean, with no daily plan for upkeep; we also cannot expect that our earnest organising efforts will be met with success without some form of maintenance. Maintenance isn’t difficult. It can take as little as 10 minutes a day. We can follow an organised system of simply returning things to their proper places daily. This maintenance will make organisation routine, refreshing, and long lasting!” ― Powell
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“Once you get organised, it’s just as important to put emphasis on how you’re going to stay organised. It’s not a one and done. When someone isn’t interested in this part, I can tell that they won’t be able to stay organised in the long run. Being organised takes consistent effort.” ― Levy
Putting Off Asking For Help
“A typical challenge with home organisation is when people get stuck, they delay reaching out for help from a friend, family member, or professional. The clutter and disorganisation increase for months, years, or decades. Their procrastination causes overwhelm and strain on emotional energy.” ― Samuels
Before and after photos are ubiquitous for a reason. They’re what marketers call a “social trigger” – a type of content that prompts those who see it to feel or act a certain way. They make it clear to viewers that one situation (the “after”) is more desirable than another (the “before”).
Think of before and after photos focused on weight loss, for example. If a group of people looked at a single photo of someone standing in a bathing suit, each person in that group might have a different reaction. Some might feel attracted to the person, others might feel indifferent about the person and others might focus on something else entirely – like what the person is wearing or how the sunset looks behind them.
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But if that same photo is shown next to another photo of the same person, in which they wear a similar bathing suit but have a larger body, the reactions of the group looking at the photo become much more uniform. They notice the size of the person’s body in both photos before anything else. That comparison is the trigger.
While before and after photos might work for marketers and content creators, they’re often toxic for the rest of us. Sure, some are harmless – a photo of a dirty plate before it gets cleaned with dish soap versus after, or a messy bookshelf next to a tidied-up one. However, any pair of before and after photos that shows a human being sends a dangerous message: that certain types of bodies (or faces, hair types, skin tones, lip shapes, etc.) are better than others.
Here’s why these types of photos are even more insidious than you think:
They trigger unhealthy comparison.
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“While sometimes well-intentioned, the impact of before and after photos lend to social and body comparisons, which can cause harm to anyone – especially people struggling with body image and eating concerns,” said Chelsea Kronengold, associate director of communications at the National Eating Disorders Association.
Many people seeing these photos will themselves to look more like the “before” than the “after.” And because the whole point of the before-and-after comparison is to say that the “after” is better, they’ll likely end up feeling less-than, or like their bodies need to be “fixed.” Over time, this can lead to real harm.
“Body dissatisfaction and thin-ideal internalisation are potential risk factors for all types of eating disorders,” Kronengold said. “People with negative body image are not only more likely to develop an eating disorder, but are also more likely to suffer from depression, isolation, low self-esteem and obsessions with weight loss.”
They reinforce weight stigma and anti-fat bias.
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Before and after photos exist in every corner of social media, but they’re most pervasive in the weight loss space. Often, these posts elicit comments that seem positive, like, “so inspiring!” or “you look great!” But there’s a problematic flip side to these comments: The implication is that the person didn’t look great in their larger body, and that being thinner is always better.
“These subtle and overt messages contribute to weight stigma and perpetuates unhealthy diet culture messages that changing your body, losing weight or being thinner, is viewed as a ‘morally superior’ accomplishment,” Kronengold said.
This weight stigma (discrimination based on a person’s weight) is incredibly pervasive in our society, and it has serious negative effects. A 2018 review in the Journal of Advanced Nursing found that experiencing weight stigma increased a person’s risk of diabetes, eating disturbances, depression, anxiety and body dissatisfaction. It was also linked to an increase in chronic stress and chronic inflammation, and a decrease in self-esteem.
Weight stigma springs from the belief that thinner is better, and that fatness is unhealthy. But that’s not really the case. One 2016 review published in JAMA found that people in the “overweight” body mass index category live the longest. Another 2016 study published in the International Journal of Obesity found that 50% of people classified as “overweight” and nearly percent of people classified as “obese” were metabolically healthy. Meanwhile, 30% of people classified as “normal” weight were metabolically unhealthy.
The relationship between weight and health is incredibly complicated, but it’s fair to say that you can’t determine whether or not someone is healthy by looking at a photo of them.
Kronengold also pointed out that even before and after photos showing weight gain reinforce weight stigma. The eating disorder recovery space is filled with before-and-afters that showcase an extremely thin “before” body next to a less-thin (but still relatively small) “after” body.
“Many of these eating disorder before and after photos send the message that individuals with a history of anorexia and/or a low BMI are the only people impacted by eating disorders,” Kronengold said. “This reinforces the stereotype that eating disorders have a certain ‘look,’ and can alienate people with other eating disorder diagnoses and/or in higher-weight bodies.”
“It’s a very real phenomenon that people who post these before and after photos often feel boxed in by their visual ‘success stories’ when their bodies inevitably change over time.”
– Ashley Seruya, New York City-based therapist and writer
They don’t show the whole story.
Another massive problem with before-and-afters when it comes to bodies is that they only show two moments in time. Bodies are always changing — even the person posting the photos won’t look like their “after” forever.
“It’s a very real phenomenon that people who post these before-and-after photos often feel boxed in by their visual ‘success stories’ when their bodies inevitably change over time,” said Ashley Seruya, a New York City-based therapist and writer.
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And yes, it is inevitable that their bodies will change, because the vast majority of people who lose weight will gain it back within a few years. A 2020 review published in the BMJ found that although diets lead to weight loss and health improvements after six months, that effect disappears at the one-year mark across all types of diets.
Another 2020 reviewconcluded that diets cause more harm than good, since permanent weight loss is rare and negative physical and mental health side effects are common.
They put far too much value in appearances.
Just because someone is smiling in an “after” photo doesn’t mean that they’re mentally healthy. In fact, both Seruya and Kronengold said that it can be damaging to assume that someone has experienced positive life changes just because they “look better.”
“I think it’s almost always going to be dangerous to place our self-worth in something as uncontrollable and unpredictable as the human body,” Seruya said. Because, truthfully, how someone looks is very rarely an indication of their well-being.
“Instead of emphasising body transformations, we should be celebrating mental health wins, major life events, and accomplishments that have nothing to do with appearance and/or weight,” Kronengold said.
Our menstrual cycle affects so much of our life. From hormonal acne and serious mood swings to generally feeling quite crappy, I’m sure if some of us had the option to skip our periods we would. And f, like me, you’re someone who has always had bad period pain, it can leave you feel a bit helpless.
There are lifestyle adjustments we can adopt that can help towards making our periods easier to deal with, though – and one of them is the food we eat at different stages of our cycle.
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Lifesum, a nutrition app that aims to help users improve their baseline health through what they’re eating, has found that small changes to your diet can improve your symptoms during each phase of your menstrual cycle.
“What you eat plays a huge role in overall health creation, including how you feel throughout your cycle,” says Dr Alona Pulde, star of the Forks Over Knives documentary and member of the Lifesum health advisory board.
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“Most people think of periods as just a week-long occurrence, but in reality, it’s a month-long cycle and nutrient-dense foods can help replenish your body and balance your hormones throughout.”
Roxane Bakker who is a registered dietician and head of nutrition at Vitl agrees that it’s important to look after yourself when you’re menstruating, particularly when it comes to your diet. “Choosing foods that can help restore balance to your hormones are always a good option,” she says. “Vitamin B6 specifically is a key player in balancing your hormones. What you eat can sometimes help to relieve some of the uncomfortable symptoms you experience on your period”
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There are four different stages to the menstrual cycle: the menstrual phase, the follicular phase, the ovulation phase, and the luteal phase. Each phase of our cycle requires different care and dietary needs, Dr Pulde suggests.
While dietary tweaks can help you ease your period pains, they aren’t solutions to medical conditions such as endometriosis, PCOS, or dysmenorrhoea. If your periods are so painful they’re affecting day-to-day life, speak to your doctor.
“Remember, everyone’s body works differently, and our needs vary,” adds Dr Pulde. “Focusing on a balanced, varied nutrient-dense diet that provides enough energy is key – not only for performance, but for our overall wellbeing.”
The Menstrual Phase
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This first phase of the menstrual cycle is the time where our oestrogen and progesterone levels are lowest; you shed your uterine lining, and bleeding occurs. This usually lasts between three and seven days. During this time you can experience cramping, fatigue, low back pain, and mood swings.
This is a time when you’re losing a lot of blood so it’s important to stock up on iron-rich foods. Animal products such as red meat, poultry, and fish (heme iron) or plant-based products, including leafy greens, beetroot, and legumes (non-heme iron) are essential during this time.
“As you can imagine, fruit and vegetables are a staple when it comes to any healthy diet,” Bakker adds, “but they’re essential when it comes to managing period cramps. They’re a vital source of fibre which in some cases can help to relieve the stomach pains associated with menstruating.”
Be sure to avoid foods that are highly processed during this time, such as sweetened breakfast cereals. “They can make period symptoms worse, causing inflammation and bloating,” says Bakker. “Caffeine and alcohol also impact inflammation. And studies show that they can worsen PMS symptoms.”
The Follicular Phase
During this phase, which can last anything from 11 to over 20 days, depending on the length of your cycle, oestrogen levels start to rise again. Your energy should increase and you may notice you have greater motivation.
Eating fibre-rich foods (fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and legumes) and fermented foods (kombucha, kimchi, sauerkraut) will help to metabolise and clear excess oestrogen.
The Ovulation Phase
You may experience some cravings at the time of ovulation, around day 12 to 14 of your cycle, so you should be eating foods that are rich in fibre and high in nutrients and consuming enough of these food types to fill you up.
These include fruits (berries, apples, pears, bananas); vegetables (broccoli, Brussels Sprouts, artichoke, kale, sweet potatoes); legumes (beans, lentils, peas); whole grains (quinoa, oats, whole wheat pasta, barley); and nuts and seeds (almonds, pistachios, and sesame/pumpkin/sunflower seeds).
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The Luteal Phase
The luteal stage of our cycle begins after ovulation, when both oestrogen and progesterone levels rise. During this time, pain can feel a bit more intense as large amounts of prostaglandins, a chemical that stimulates contractions, is released.
To help experience less cramping and lesson the physical symptoms of PMS, tuck into anti-inflammatory nutrients such as omega 3 (walnuts, flaxseed, chia seeds), antioxidants like vitamin C (found in fruit – particularly berries – and vegetables) and vitamin E (found in leafy greens, avocado, and whole grains).
“In this phase, it’s common to feel tired,” says Dr Pulde. “Eat complex carbs that provide fibre and vitamins to balance moods and curb cravings.”
Avoid or cut back on caffeine and alcohol if you can, she adds, and if you find your energy levels dropping, reach for the healthy snacks, such as hummus and veg sticks or homemade fruit and nut bars.
After the initial portion of the Covid-19 pandemic kept us apart for so long, many people pledged to take advantage of every opportunity to see loved ones again once vaccines were available. Thus, “hot vax summer” was born, with a focus on filling our social calendars with parties, trips, weddings and more.
Now, as coronavirus variants continue to spread and, with the onset of autumn, opportunities for socialisation could start to shrink again, we may be feeling even more pressure to cram in a bunch of activities.
But saying yes to every single social invitation can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed and to burnout. We let our FOMO (fear of missing out) create a sense of obligation that can negatively impact mental health. The solution? Embracing JOMO or the “joy of missing out.”
“JOMO allows you to redefine what actually brings joy into your life, instead of allowing other people, events or society dictate it for you,” Michelle Wax, founder of the American Happiness Project, tells HuffPost.
“While in the past having a packed schedule of trips, events and activities may have been the norm, the past 18 months have allowed many of us to re-evaluate our lives and decide if how we’re spending our time and energy is what we actually want,” she adds. “JOMO allows you to choose the events, people and activities that will bring the most happiness into your life, and remove the ‘shoulds’ that are draining and time-consuming.”
If you’re someone who feels the pressure to go to every wedding, birthday party, picnic and day trip because you fear missing out, it will take more than just flipping a switch to feel the JOMO. But that doesn’t mean the situation is hopeless. Below, experts share their advice for how to embrace missing out.
Stop saying ‘yes’ to everything
“While meaningful social connections are critical to our physical and emotional well-being, finding a balance is also key,” says Sophie Lazarus, a psychologist with the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center. “Saying yes to and needing to be a part of everything can be exhausting and paradoxically reduce our ability to get the most out of the time that we do spend with others.”
Of course, caring about other people is important, but this shouldn’t come at the expense of your needs. Don’t feel obligated to attend events or do things you don’t enjoy simply because you feel like you “should.” It’s helpful to disconnect from guilt and obligation and use your time and resources for meaningful things in life.
“For the next month, just say ‘no,’” recommends Matthew Ferry, a happiness coach and author of Quiet Mind Epic Life. “Intentionally abstain from doing more and saying yes. Practise being picky and selective with your time. Ask this question, ‘Will saying yes to this help me realise that all is well in my world?’ If not, then say no.”
Do a ‘joy audit’
“To embrace JOMO, it’s helpful to become self-aware of what really lights you up and rejuvenates you personally,” Wax says. “I recommend taking a ‘Joy Audit’ and writing down what people, places and activities bring joy to your life, and on the flip side, what people, places and activities drain your joy.”
Things that bring joy to your life could be as simple as cooking a new meal, reading a novel, turning off the news, getting out in nature or calling a loved one. When you find yourself with the opportunity to experience the joy of missing out, look to your list and choose one of these activities.
Develop a healthy routine
Self-care is the name of the game when it comes to finding joy in “missing out” or taking a break from the endless chaos of life. Make this part of your daily routine, so that you can get used to prioritising your needs.
“Take your ‘MEDS’ daily – meditation, exercise, diet and sleep,” Ferry says. He emphasises the power of nurturing our bodies with movement, nourishing food, mindfulness and rest. “When you do that, you feel empowered and satisfied with the moment,” Ferry adds.
Substitute this social media time with something more fulfilling to you on a personal level – whether that’s spending time with people in person or taking a nature walk alone.
“Any changes that help you make wise decisions and also minimise the potential for FOMO can be really helpful,” Lazarus says. “If you know social media is going to make it hard for you to feel good about your decision, then unplug for a bit. Maybe make a plan to engage in a favourite solo activity to help you make the most out of the time you gained from ‘missing out.’”
Reframe how you engage with social media
“You don’t have to unplug from social media altogether to avoid feeling the fear of missing out, but when you see people enjoying life online or on social media, another trick you can use is the ‘I am Next’ Strategy,” says Ken Honda, a happiness expert and author of Happy Money: The Japanese Art of Making Peace With Your Money.
“Whenever you feel jealousy or think other people are all out having a great time while you’re not, you can say to yourself, ‘Good for them! I’m next,’” he adds.
Rather than feeling bad about not being part of a certain event or trip, you can also think about how much more enjoyable your current and future life experiences are because you’re taking care of yourself and not getting burned out in the process. And remind yourself that individuals enjoy different things, so every little experience is not necessarily for you.
Take stock of what you have
The joy of missing out can encompass social events and other experiences, as well as spending money on objects. JOMO is about realising that you cannot do or have everything – and it’s not necessarily a bad thing.
“There is much in human psychology that drives us towards more, achieving more, earning more money, experiencing more and so on,” Brinkmann says. “But as they rightly say, less can be more, and JOMO is about reminding oneself that more is not always better, but in the consumer society that we have constructed over the last 100 years, it takes a disciplined effort to go against these tendencies.”
To counter these instincts, Honda recommends taking stock of all of the wonderful experiences and items you can already call your own and making time to appreciate them. You can keep physical lists in a gratitude journal or make it a regular mental exercise.
“The hard truth is that you cannot get everything in life anyway. There are thousands of events and chances happening every day that we just don’t know about, so we just enjoy the bliss of ignorance,” Honda explains. “It’s all about where you place your attention. Instead of purposely putting your attention on things you can’t have, it’s better to put your attention on things that you either can have or things you already have that make you happy.”
Let go of false urgency
“Oftentimes we don’t realise the impact of reacting to the assumption, ‘I have to show up to everything I am invited to,’” Ferry says.“We automatically assume that there will be a negative consequence for not attending the party, accepting the dinner invite, or participating in an event that is important to someone else in our life.”
This assumption creates a false sense of urgency, so we assign undue importance to things that are actually more commonplace and routine.
“We behave like the relationship is on the line if I turn down an invitation,” Ferry explains. “Yet, accepting that invitation might not be what’s best for you mentally, emotionally, physically or financially. We are pack animals. We accidentally prioritise other people above ourselves. Put your needs first. Demand to be treated well. Demand to be at peace. Release false urgency and practice just being.”
Make time for reflection and mindfulness
“Since the pandemic started, our daily routines stretched, shifting us positively and negatively, causing us to turn inwards and witness our signals during uncertainty,” says life coach and Behaving Bravely author Anita Kanti. “It revealed a time to ponder life’s interpretations resulting in more gratification, an unexpected gift for many.”
Even as aspects of “normal life” become possible again, it’s important to continue setting aside time for reflection. Listen to what you need and let that guide you. Consider talking to a professional therapist if you don’t already.
Kanti also recommends mindfulness exercises to help with that process and mind shift. “Choosing JOMO while managing unproductive FOMO stimulates us to go deeper within ourselves,” she explains. “Try belly breathing exercises lying down, breathe by bringing the air down toward the belly. Do simple grounding techniques to detach, repeat affirmations, or focus on humour.”
Covid-19 is more than a news story – it has changed every aspect of life in the UK. We are following how Britain is experiencing this crisis, the different stages of collective emotion, reaction and resilience. You can tell us how you are feeling and find further advice and resources here.
Bad bosses come in all kinds of flavours –- from incompetent to just plain jerk -– but one of the most frustrating kinds of managers is the one who never seems to listen to you. Your ideas, requests and complaints are ignored or rejected. Everything you say seems to go in one ear and out the other.
At a certain point, not feeling heard can take a toll on your psyche. In a survey by the Society for Human Resource Management, 84% of U.S. workers say poorly trained people managers create a lot of unnecessary stress. The workers’ biggest recommendation on what their bosses could improve? Their communication skills.
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Ideally, good bosses take the time to proactively ask what’s working and what’s not in your one-on-one meetings with them.
But when your boss is not listening to you, you have two options: either do nothing and hope your boss realises you are unhappy, or you can take actions to make yourself heard.
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Jennifer Tardy, a career coach and diversity and inclusion consultant, said too often she sees employees who avoid dealing with their boss and are not comfortable talking in a direct way or in a timely manner to them.
“Employees wait too long to have the courageous conversation and now the situation has compounded,” Tardy said. “At this point, rather than have a rational, logical conversation with their manager, they explode ― often with emotion leaving the core message to get lost in.”
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There are helpful steps you can take about feeling unheard long before it gets to that point.
Here’s what you can do to salvage a relationship with a boss who is not listening to you –- and when to decide enough is enough.
1. Diagnose whether they don’t listen to anyone, or just you.
Gorick Ng, a career adviser at Harvard University and the author of “The Unspoken Rules: Secrets to Starting Your Career Off Right,” said that when employees deal with bosses who are not understanding them, they may want to jump straight to quitting as the “path of fastest relief.” But one way to figure out if you can save the relationship is to take the time to understand where your boss is coming from.
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“Whatever you’re dealing with, someone else has dealt with before.”
– Gorick Ng
To do that, first try talking to people who work with or used to work with your boss. “Whatever you’re dealing with, someone else has dealt with before,” Ng said.
He suggested asking questions about how your boss prefers to communicate, such as “What’s worked with this person before? Are they someone who needs to see it on paper? Are they someone who needs a nice long pro/con list? Are they someone who needs a mockup or draft? Are they someone who needs to hear it from a certain person?”
“What you’re really trying to figure out is if this is a problem that you can solve,” Ng said.
After you do this bit of research, you should have an idea what will get your boss’ attention, be it project deadlines or influential colleagues. If your manager listens to what a certain colleague says, for example, you could focus on asking that colleague to be the whisper in your boss’ ear about your ideas, Ng said.
2. When you bring it up to your boss, make sure that you have a solution in mind.
Once you diagnose your boss’ deal, you can have a conversation. But don’t simply complain. Get specific about what actions made you feel unheard, and bring solutions that could address the problem.
Tardy said you should ask yourself what specific actions your boss took that led to this. What specific actions would my boss need to take for us to remedy the challenge? That way, when you bring it up with your boss, you can be clear on their role in the problem and in the solution.
And then after you acknowledge how you felt unheard, have a solution on what could make your joint communication style better.
“Many times when we have courageous conversations, we leave it to the other party to figure out what action to take to reach the solution,” Tardy said. “The more specific you are on the action you want from your boss, the more clearly you can articulate it to them so they can take the action.”
You can bring up solutions with language such as, “Hey I know we’re trying to achieve this. I was thinking of this option or this option or this option. These are the pros and cons. My suggestion is that we might want to consider option B. What is your reaction?” Ng said.
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Or, the solution can be brought up as simply as something like, ”‘Would it be helpful if I did ‘blank’?’” Ng added.
3. If talking and suggesting solutions fails, it’s time for change ― either your boss or your job.
If you’ve exhausted these options, and nothing has changed, then it’s time to consider switching it up ― perhaps out of the job altogether.
First, you can try leaving your particular manager if you still want the role.
“Change doesn’t mean leaving the company. Maybe it means leaving the manager, but staying in the department or company,” Tardy said. “Escalation means talking to your manager’s manager. Oftentimes, messages that go unheard from an employee become clearly understood by a leader.”
But if leaving your inattentive manager is not a possibility, then it really may be time to start looking for a new job where you and your ideas will be heard. And then, at this new job, you can hash out communication styles with your boss up front.
“If you make it very clear that you need to feel like your ideas are heard, and define what that looks like when it doesn’t happen, it will be easier for you to bring up three, six or 12 months into the role with the manager,” said career coach Kaitlyn Buckheit, who specializes in career transitions. “You won’t be bringing up the topic for the first time.”
TikTok is littered with hair and makeup tutorials, ranging from the wacky to the “oh, this might actually be doable.” While some of them aim to solve common everyday problems (like a flat ponytail, for example), others are a little more out there (for instance, it’s a mystery why anyone would feel the need to draw fake freckles on their face, but that’s a viral tutorial nonetheless).
While no one should feel pressured to sport faux freckles or contour their face to look like a Kardashian, I wanted to see if these TikTok beauty hacks at least deliver on their claims. In that spirit, I tried eight viral TokTok beauty trends to see how they actually work.
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1. DIY skin tint (or BB cream)
The concept behind this trend is mixing creams you already own to create a custom shade of skin tint. See an original TikTok video highlighting the trend here:
BB, which stands for “beauty balm,” is meant to be a lightweight base, so mixing your foundation with other products (primers, SPF and more) makes sense. You’ll note that in the original video above, the creator added sunscreen – but be warned that mixing sunscreen with other products diminishes the SPF factor and offers less protection. For this DIY product to work, you have to ensure your foundation and primer have the same base ingredients – for example, if one has a silicone base, the other should too; otherwise the product will roll right off your face.
Did it work?
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It did! It feels like the perfect base for summer. I found it was a little tricky applying with a brush, but it was smooth and easy when using fingers. It’s like “your skin but better.” Plus, it’s great that you can customise how much glow or moisturizer you want to add.
Here’s a video of my experiment:
2. High ponytail for long hair
This popular tutorial creates a ponytail that sits up super high and is extra voluminous. It’s done by twisting the hair tie around the bottom part of the ponytail twice. It sounds like it won’t make much difference to the height of a ponytail, but as someone with long and heavy hair, I’m willing to try anything. See an original TikTok tutorial here:
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Did it work?
Not only did it work, but it was also extremely easy! And it doesn’t feel like a ponytail that’ll give you a headache. Here’s a video of my experience:
3. A makeup routine that claims to be sweat-proof
If you prep your skin and apply your base makeup products the way this tutorial suggests, it claims to be absolutely sweat-proof. This was inspired by the way drag queens do their makeup, as are many great discoveries in the beauty world. It goes like this: moisturiser, translucent powder, setting spray, makeup primer and foundation. Here’s an original TikTok tutorial:
I originally tried this trick in March 2020 and found it to be a little cake-y for my dry skin, but I was willing to give it another go.
Did it work?
Initially, yes. The base looked very good upon application. But after a while it started pilling (balling up) around my neck. I think it’s one too many layers for me, but I’d still try it again being more careful around my neck area.
Here’s a video of my experiment:
4. The scrunched-up tissue eye look
When I first saw this look, I thought there’d be no way it could actually look good. You take a tissue, wad it up, dip it in random colours of eyeshadow, and dab it on your eyelids to create an artistic, almost tie-dyed look. Here’s an original tutorial from TikTok:
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Did it work?
I loved this! Who says you need expensive brushes to create something fun? All you need is a colourful makeup palette and some tissue. Sure, it looks a little messy, but it’s a fun and colourful look I’d gladly wear again. I think brighter colours work best for this beauty trend.
Overlining lips isn’t new, though it grew in popularity thanks to Kylie Jenner. Not everyone loves the overlined look – it can look like too much (it can also look like you have a thin moustache), but this tutorial promises it’s not only easy but very quick, too. Huda Kattan of Huda Beauty recreated it, and she’s also a fan.
Essentially, you purse your lips together very tightly and apply the lipliner around and inside the lips. In essence, because the lips are stretched out, you get a more even overline more quickly. Check it out:
All you need is your lip pencil and a liquid lipstick or lipstick of choice. I tried it with red, as I was feeling adventurous.
Did it work?
I suppose so, but it’s a lot more overlined than I’m used to so it looked weird at first! It was quick and easy, though. I prefer not drawing over my cupid’s bow, and once I cleaned up that part, I liked it a lot more. I used the MAC lip pencil in Cherry and Colourpop Ultra Matte Lip in Creeper. Here’s my video:
6. 10-second contour
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All you need is a stick bronzer, your foundation and 10 seconds to the perfect contour. Sound too easy? That’s what I thought, too. You simply contour over the lips, under the cheekbones and chin, and on the forehead, add your foundation on the rest of the face and blend in, like this:
Did it work?
Surprisingly, yes. It was easy and quick and blended in really nicely ― I will certainly use that hack again.
Here’s my take:
7. Using a burnt almond as eyeliner
I couldn’t believe that burning an almond could actually be used as a smoky eye liner/shadow, but apparently it works. I obviously had to try it out, as it seems like an easy and affordable way to do your eye makeup. You just take an almond, burn the tip a little bit, wait for it to cool down (this step is important!) and apply it like you would your shadow when doing a cat-eye. Watch this:
Did it work?
Somewhat so! It was a lot harder to get color out of the almond. Also, let me advise you again to wait until the almond isn’t burning hot! It’s more of a soft smoked outline and though it was a fun challenge, I think I’ll stick to my black eyeshadow and liner for future looks. Here’s my take:
8. Easy and natural-looking freckles
TikTok is full of faux freckle videos, most including fake tanning mousse, which are intimidating and can easily go wrong. However, this tutorial uses Maybelline Brow Tattoo, which is meant for your face ― so I was hoping the colour whould be more natural-looking. Here’s what it claims to do:
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To be on the safe side, I picked a color lighter than my hair —colour Medium Brown — and applied it across my nose and cheeks.
Did it work?
It worked so well! It created a very natural-looking result ― I went over my natural nose freckles and did some more over my cheeks. I think leaving it on for two hours wasn’t necessary, but the product’s instructions recommend that for the colour to last three days. I will try it again, for sure. Here’s my attempt: