The 1 Thing More People Wish They Knew About Before Giving Birth

When it comes to birth, we tend to focus on the prize. Having a child emerge from your body is, obviously, the main event. It’s followed by delivering the placenta, sometimes referred to as the “afterbirth.” Luckily, this part is usually pretty quick and painless — you may barely register that it’s even happening.

But in the hours and days that follow, your body will experience another minor milestone: the first postpartum poop. If you’re lucky, this will also be fast and forgotten as soon as you flush. However, given what your body has been through, the buildup to this event can be anxiety-inducing.

Here’s what you need to know, as well as some tips to ease discomfort.

How this poop is different

There are a number of factors that may make this particular trip to the bathroom feel more significant.

First, you may not have had a bowel movement in a while. “If you had a long induction or a long labor, and you haven’t eaten in a long time, you probably don’t have a lot that needs to come out. It may take several days,” Dr. Andrea Braden, an OB-GYN who practices in Georgia, told HuffPost.

Constipation may also be a side effect of pain medications, fluctuating hormones, or simply your own hesitation.

If you’ve had a cesarean section or an assisted delivery (via vacuum or forceps), or you’ve had a tear or episiotomy repaired with stitches, you may be in pain from that, and understandably reluctant to do anything that might aggravate your discomfort. But holding in your stool can make things worse.

“Some people will actually try to hold it in and not have a bowel movement, which causes constipation,” Braden said.

Haemorrhoids, which are common during this time, can also cause pain when you go to the bathroom.

While this is all uncomfortable, it isn’t unexpected.

“In my 26 years of experience, at least 90% of my clients have had trouble using the restroom after birth,” Kali King, a doula in Virginia, told HuffPost.

Tips for a smooth move

Stool softeners or laxatives can help you get that first bowel movement out without straining, which you’ll want to avoid if you ended up with stitches after your delivery.

“The goal would be to not push when you have a bowel movement,” Braden said. “You want it to come out very easily, because the pushing can cause a lot more pain and pressure on the incision sites, no matter where the incision is.”

King recommended light exercise or abdominal massage, as well as a squat position to help get things moving more easily.

Lori Bregman, a doula in Los Angeles, noted that staying hydrated is another way to prevent constipation. If you’re looking for something other than water, she recommends coconut water, bone broth and electrolyte drinks (like sports drinks). Fibre-rich foods like fruits and vegetables help, too.

A tablespoon of coconut oil can act as a natural stool softener, Bregman said, and a foot stool such as a Squatty Potty can help you get into a comfortable position while you’re on the toilet.

You’ll also be given a peri-bottle, a little plastic bottle that you can use to squirt water on your nether regions to clean yourself after going to the bathroom. This is much more comfortable than dry toilet paper, particularly if you had stitches in that area.

Haemorrhoid help

Haemorrhoids are “swollen blood vessels in the rectal area that develop from the pressure [of] your growing uterus and increased blood flow. They can be itchy and painful,” Bregman said.

Unfortunately, if you have them at the end of a pregnancy, delivery can exacerbate the problem. “They are extremely common during pregnancy and can get a lot worse especially if you pushed for a long time,” Braden explained.

Studies show that about 40% of people who give birth suffer from hemorrhoids before, during or following delivery. Pushing for longer than 20 minutes is associated with haemorrhoids, as are assisted deliveries (forceps or vacuum). Your provider may mention that you have them when they examine you after delivery, and you can also ask them directly.

The good news is that haemorrhoids “usually resolve on their own,” King said.

There are many things you can do to reduce the discomfort of hemorrhoids. Bregman recommends:

  • chilled or frozen witch hazel pads with drops of vitamin E oil
  • frozen leaf of an aloe vera plant
  • sitting on a donut pillow
  • using a footstool while on the toilet
  • sitz baths
  • ice
  • comfrey root ointment
  • acupuncture

When to call the doctor

Hemorrhoids can cause bleeding in the rectal area, but if you don’t have them, or you’re uncertain, bloody stool is definitely something to report to your health care provider.

As far as constipation, it’s probably time to call the doctor “if you haven’t had a bowel movement in a week and you’re feeling quite constipated,” Braden said.

Other symptoms that you’d want to report to your provider include “pain, swelling not going away, infection, weird smell, lots of bleeding and an intuitive feeling that something doesn’t feel right — always trust and follow that,” Bregman said.

King recommends that you not allow your provider “to downplay your symptoms.” If you feel that this is happening, you can look for a second opinion.

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Easy Recipes To Cook With Kids: Sticky Chicken And Fruity Loaf Cake

Getting children involved in the kitchen is something mother and author Annabel Karmel is incredibly passionate about.

So it’s perhaps no surprise then that her latest (and 50th) recipe book My First Cookbook is jam-packed with simple yet nutritious recipes that adults and kids can both get involved with making.

As busy working parents it can be hard to find the time and creativity, not to mention ingredients, to devise nutritious home-cooked meals, which is where My First Cookbook can help.

Expect fun lunchbox ideas such as Caterpillar Sandwiches, big batch meals like Teddy Bear Pasta and seasonal specials like Monster Pizzas and Gingerbread Men.

The book helps children learn essential hands-on kitchen skills – from simple sandwich making all the way to cake baking.

If you’re stuck for mealtime inspiration this weekend – and have a bit of time to spare to get your kids involved in the kitchen – we’ve got two of her brand new recipes to share.

Sticky chicken with sweet potato fries

Nobody can resist this sweet, sticky chicken, especially with healthy baked fries.

Serves 4 | Prep time 40 mins | Cooking time 25 mins

You’ll need: baking tray, baking paper

Sticky chicken with sweet potato fries

Hachette / Annabel Karmel

Sticky chicken with sweet potato fries

Ingredients

  • 3 tablespoons ketchup
  • 3 tablespoons soy sauce
  • 2 tablespoons honey
  • 2 cloves of garlic, crushed
  • 500g (18oz) boneless chicken thighs, sliced into strips
  • 3 medium sweet potatoes, scrubbed
  • 2 tablespoons sunflower oil
  • 1 teaspoon chopped thyme
  • 3 tablespoons semolina

Method

Put the chicken into a medium mixing bowl. Add the ketchup, soy, honey and garlic, and mix together to coat the chicken. Leave for 30 minutes, then arrange on a baking tray lined with baking paper.

Preheat the oven to 200°C (400°F) Fan. Slice the sweet potatoes into thin chip shapes. Place on a baking sheet lined with baking paper. Add the oil and thyme. Season with salt and pepper, and coat with semolina to make them crispy. Mix everything up with your hands. Spread out on the baking sheet in a single layer.

Put both baking sheets into the oven. Cook for about 25 minutes, until the chicken is cooked and golden brown and the fries are lightly golden and cooked through.

Banana and blueberry loaf cake

Slice up this fruit-filled loaf to make a delicious doggy face.

Serves 8 | Prep time 20 mins | Cooking time 60 mins

You’ll need: 900g (32oz) loaf tin, baking paper

Banana and blueberry loaf cake

Hachette / Annabel Karmel

Banana and blueberry loaf cake

Ingredients

  • 150g (2/3 cup) butter, softened
  • 125g (3/4 cup) light brown sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 200g (7oz) overripe bananas, mashed, plus extra slices
  • 225g (2 cups) self-raising flour
  • 1 teaspoon mixed spice
  • 100g (3.5oz) blueberries

To decorate

  • banana
  • a few blueberries
  • a few raspberries

Method

Preheat the oven to 160°C (325°F) Fan. Grease and line a loaf tin with non-stick paper.

Whisk the butter and sugar together in a mixing bowl until fluffy. Add the eggs, vanilla, bananas, flour and mixed spice. Whisk together using an electric hand whisk.

Fold in the blueberries and spoon into the loaf tin. Bake in the oven for 50 mins-1 hour until well risen and lightly golden.

Slice into slices and arrange on a plate to look like a dog’s face and ears. Add banana slices and blueberries for the eyes and nose, and a raspberry for the tongue.

My First Cookbook by Annabel Karmel is available to buy now for £12.99.

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I Quit My Job To Stay Home With The Kids — And It’s Not What You’d Expect

Simi Sapir immigrated to New York City from Israel when she was 10 years old and grew up watching her parents hustle, taking on multiple jobs to provide for their four children. Her mother worked in a day care and a supermarket, and her father, who had a master’s degree in engineering, took to driving a taxi at one point in order to bring in income.

By the time she was a teen, Sapir was spending her summers working as a camp counselor. Over the years, she worked at the same supermarket as her mother, a store and a pizza shop.

“I think immigrant mentality, especially growing up in Queens, New York, it was like, you work — and not only do you work, but it’s in your blood to work. And I think that was, from a very early age, instilled in me,” Sapir told HuffPost.

She carried this commitment to paid work and financial independence through college, at one point taking a semester off to work in order to be able to pay for school. After graduation, she headed at full speed into a career in business, and by the time she turned 30, she’d already overseen the acquisitions of two companies. Hers was “the perfect VP of sales resume,” she said, and she didn’t slow her pace when she became pregnant — even hopping on an airplane when she was eight months along in order to close a deal.

Simi Sapir left a successful, demanding career in business to care for her daughter full-time.

Simi Sapir

Simi Sapir left a successful, demanding career in business to care for her daughter full-time.

As planned, Sapir returned to her position 12 weeks after her daughter’s birth. The pandemic had hit, so she was working from home while a nanny cared for the baby. But working her usual long hours no longer felt manageable.

Every day, she said, felt like “a crazy grind.”

“I just felt like, ‘Why is my kid with somebody from 9 to 5, and I can’t go to my kitchen because if she sees me, she starts screaming [and] then I feel bad.’”

Early morning calls from her CEO, she found, now felt like “a sacrifice” and “intruding into my personal time.”

The tipping point came when her boss offered her a new job title that would come with more responsibilities and a salary increase — the sort of offer that Sapir would’ve jumped at earlier in her career. This time, however, she looked at the offer and said, “This is just not worth it.”

After 16 months of what she describes as the push and pull of this situation, Sapir quit. Yes, she was exhausted — but she didn’t leave because she felt incapable of continuing. Rather, she left because she felt confident that full-time mothering was the right move.

The company offered more flexibility, part-time work and increased compensation to try to convince Sapir to change her mind. But she was resolute.

What they didn’t understand, she said, was that “it’s not the money.”

“The idea that I want to jump into this new chapter in my life, which, by the way, is not — as I tried to explain to them — is not less important or more important; it’s equally a different chapter. Just like you focus on your career, you can focus on your family.”

“About one month back into work, I knew it was not going to work out.”

– Lisa Ziemba

Lisa Ziemba, a Colorado mom who is expecting her second child next month, had a similar experience after her daughter was born two years ago. When her maternity leave ended, she returned to her position as the manager of HR for a group of construction companies.

Ziemba was working from 8 in the morning until 5 or 6 at night, with a 40-minute commute each way. She was putting in additional hours after getting her daughter to bed as well. “I was getting like maybe an hour a day with her — which just did not feel right.”

Of her decision to leave her job, Ziemba told HuffPost, “I didn’t see it coming, going into my maternity leave. But about one month back into work, I knew it was not going to work out.”

As with Sapir, Ziemba’s superiors tried to dissuade her with offers of flex time and increased compensation.

“We kind of went back and forth where they were like, ‘What can we give you?’ And I was like, ‘I need time.’ They were like, ‘That’s the one thing we can’t give you.’”

Who are today’s stay-at-home mothers?

The decision to spend time with their young children at home is one that mothers like Ziemba and Sapir have made consciously. Having experienced life in both worlds, they decided to extend their time in the role of what we typically refer to as a stay-at-home mother.

It’s a bit of a misnomer, Sapir notes, “Because I’m literally never home.”

It’s also a far cry from the old June Cleaver image of a mom who never pursues a career or acquires any of her own income and dedicates any time she’s not with her children to cooking and housekeeping.

“I don’t even own an apron,” Sapir noted.

A recent report from Mother Untitled, a digital community for mothers “choosing to pause or shift [their] career to make room for family life,” reveals that, while they’re up against some of the same stereotypes, the lives of today’s full-time mothers and their expectations for the future are markedly different than those of their predecessors.

The report details a survey of 1,200 mothers who had left or were considering leaving their jobs for full or part-time stay-at-home motherhood. The mothers were between the ages of 25-54 and had bachelor’s degrees, children under age 18 at home and a minimum annual income of $25,000 (ages 35-34) or $35,000 (ages 35 and up).

In some cases, these mothers worked part-time or occasional hours, often remotely. They likely worked up until their transition to parenthood and anticipated returning to the workforce in some capacity in the coming years.

A majority of the mothers surveyed, 7 in 10, said that they “chose to pause their careers for parenthood.” In comparison, 1 in 10 felt forced out of their jobs, while 2 in 10 felt both that they chose and were forced.

Elizabeth Burdett didn't plan to become a stay-at-home mom. She said the opportunity "fell into my lap."

Elizabeth Burdett

Elizabeth Burdett didn’t plan to become a stay-at-home mom. She said the opportunity “fell into my lap.”

If you’re wondering what that last category could possibly look like, Elizabeth Burdett’s story illustrates the way that an economy shifting toward gig work can push parents away from full-time employment. And some, like Burdett, find that they prefer the place where they’ve landed.

Burdett worked full-time from home writing content for a website and returned to this position (with the support of a nanny) once her maternity leave was up. Then, around the time she found out she was pregnant with her second child, the company was sold, and Burdett was laid off.

As she was both expecting a baby and preparing for a move, Burdett decided not to pursue another full-time position. She did freelance work before her second son was born and again between his birth and the arrival of a third child.

“Since having all three of them, I have dabbled a little bit in some freelance writing and copyediting work, but for the most part, I am home with my boys,” Burdett told HuffPost. “I do a little copyediting work, but 80-85% of the time, I’m a stay-at-home mom.”

“I didn’t at first intentionally say, ‘I am quitting my job, I want to stay at home,’ but it fell into my lap,” she said.

Still, she sees the arrangement as a choice her family made to suit its current needs. “We are making the decision to have me be at home and experience those early years. I want to,” she said.

“I’m well aware that I have the privilege to make that decision if I want to work or not,” she added.

Of course, there are also still mothers who have always wanted to stay at home with young children and simply follow through with that plan. Emily Holewczynski is a mother of five in the Chicago area who left her job as a marketing manager for a law firm when her first child was born.

Emily Holewczynski, a mother of five, always planned to be a full-time mother to her children.

Emily Holewczynski

Emily Holewczynski, a mother of five, always planned to be a full-time mother to her children.

“It sounds anti-feminist, but it’s what I’ve always wanted to do,” Holewczynski told HuffPost. “My mom stayed home with me, and I’m actually the oldest of five kids as well. It’s what I knew, and I was blessed and fortunate enough to have a wonderful childhood. And in my mind, a large part of that was because my mom was there every day with us.”

“I just knew that if I was lucky enough to be in a financial position where I could do that for my kids, that I wanted to be able to,” she added.

Holewczynski appreciates that staying home gives her control over the handling of her children’s needs.

“It gives me peace of mind to in knowing that some of those more delicate moments are being handled by by me — the person who loves [my daughter] the most,” she said.

Most mothers in the survey said their reasons for staying home included wanting to spend time with their child (83%) and not missing their child’s learning/developmental milestones (77%). In comparison, 62% cited the cost of child care as a reason for staying home.

Seventy-two percent said the loss of household income was worth the advantages of having a parent at home. However, their financial lives were not free from stress. They worried about having to rely on their partners for income (56%), not having enough money for leisure activities (52%) and not having enough money for emergencies (41%). The longer women had been in the workforce before deciding to stay home, the more likely they were to have financial worries.

The full-time mothers of today still face old stereotypes.

While today’s stay-at-home mothers are choosing to leave the workforce and see the benefits of their decision, they face a lot of the same challenges as women of generations past. Sixty-eight percent of those surveyed, for example, reported that they felt underappreciated.

The idea that mothers should put their children first and themselves last is also alive and well. When asked to select the different ways they measured their success from a list of options, 54% of the full-time mothers selected their children’s mental health. Thirty-one percent selected their kids’ physical health. Yet only 19% selected their own mental health — the same percentage that chose “If my home is clean and organised” — and a scant 4% selected their own physical health.

Full-time mothers understand that the work they’re doing is important and has a huge impact on their families. At the same time, they know that their unpaid labor is dismissed by society at large — and, as the report suggests, they often dismiss it themselves by neglecting their own needs.

When you’re a full-time, unpaid child care provider, for example, it can feel strange to pay someone else for a few hours of child care.

Ziemba says she is able to meet her child care needs by turning to local family members. She also belongs to a child care co-op, and this grants her a few hours a week to do work for a foundation she is involved in.

The survey found that grandparents were the child care providers that full-time mothers most often turned to, with 39% using this option. But for those without family nearby, there seemed to be few alternatives.

“I have a very hard time wrapping my head around asking for help, considering I am [a] full-time, stay-at-home [mom],” Burdett said. At the same time, she has seen how taking a little time away for herself has “rejuvenated” her and has value.

“Just because you’re home doesn’t mean you don’t need support — but it’s something I struggle with,” she said.

What will be the next chapter?

Most of the mothers in the survey and all of the mothers HuffPost spoke to plan to do paid work again at some point. Few, however, have their sights set on a typical 9-to-5 office job.

Mothers in the survey reported that the top things they would look for in their next job were: flexibility (85%), stress level (74%) and salary (71%). Those jobs probably won’t look like the full-time-plus corporate positions that Sapir and Ziemba once had — and they aren’t longing for that kind of work again anytime soon.

Motherhood has shifted their priorities and their perspective, they say, and their needs and desires have changed.

Ziemba doesn’t have plans to return to work until her youngest child is in preschool — and she and her husband still haven’t decided how many children they’d like to have. So work is years away, but she imagines perhaps working more for the foundation she’s involved in or setting up her own home organizing business.

No matter which avenue she pursues, she’s not currently feeling any rush to get there.

“I’m no longer driven by the fear of, ‘How long am I going to be out and is it going to ruin my career?’” she said.

“I was really fearful when I left that I was ending my career. And since then, I’ve met so many women who have also left to care for their young kids and have gotten back into the workforce and have found roles that are actually more interesting and engaging than the ones that they had before. And it’s shifted my mindset a lot,” Ziemba said.

Several of the mothers interviewed are interested in writing-related work, which can frequently be done on a freelance basis with flexible hours.

“The notions of stay-at-home and working mother are no longer black and white,” Neha Ruch, CEO of Mother Untitled, told HuffPost. “There’s a gray area.”

In contrast to what many people assume, full-time mothering no longer looks like it did in the 1970s. Today’s mothers, Ruch explained, are more educated, have more equal relationships with their partners, and are more digitally connected than any previous generation.

These mothers, she continued, want “to basically take a lot of the consciousness they brought to their career and bring it to the home for a period of time.”

In a post she made on LinkedIn to announce her decision to step back from her career, Sapir wrote: “Ultimately, if you are doing something you love with people you love in a place you love, you’re going to create something of great value to the world.”

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The 1 Bathroom Item You Should Always Lock Away If You Have Toddlers

Being a parent is exhausting. It feels like every five minutes you’re doing something to prevent your child from hurting themselves.

‘Don’t jump off that. Watch your fingers in that door. You can’t eat that.’ I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve uttered these words at home in the past year.

And in a bid to keep little ones safe, so many items have to be stored out of harm’s way – from buttons and coins to cleaning products, nail scissors and medicines.

But one commonly used household item that you probably haven’t thought about hiding away is the bath plug. And here’s why you should.

A mother’s warning about the danger of leaving your bath plug out is going viral again – two years after it was first posted – with lots of parents (myself included) completely oblivious to the hazard a plug could pose.

Instagram account CPR Kids, a baby and child first aid education page, said it saw a post in a mum’s group from a parent called Illi, who’s based in Australia, about the shocking sight she was met with at 4am when her toddler decided to get in the bath.

The parent recalled how her four-year-old son – who is usually a deep sleeper, but miraculously woke up on this occasion – roused them from their sleep, shouting that his brother was in the bath and needed help.

“We found our cheeky, adventurous two-year-old in the bath fully-clothed with nappy and everything on,” said Illi.

“He had pulled up a stool to climb in (he’s never climbed in on his own before), put the plug in, turned the tap on and the bath was overflowing and the bathroom was flooding.

“The scariest part and something I feel deeply traumatised by is that he had clearly been trying to get out for a while and had given up and was tired… he was kneeling on his knees and falling asleep in the water.

“I just can’t believe what a close call this was.”

The parent said it’s something she never thought could happen – and so many parents agreed, now and then.

“I’m so incredibly grateful my four-year-old woke up as we would never have heard (our room is at the other end of the house),” the mum continued.

Thankfully the story has a happy ending and Archie, who was two at the time, was checked over by a medical professional and was completely fine.

“A few minutes more and this could of been a very different story,” warned the mum.

After the ordeal, the parents put a lock on the bathroom door and locked the plug away in a cupboard. They also put an alarm sensor on the then-toddler’s door so they knew if he was up about about.

“I hope this story can educate other parents because honestly I consider myself to be REALLY on top of child safety, every effort is taken to ensure the safety of our kids at all times but I honestly just never thought of locking away the plug,” she posted at the time.

Responding to the repost from CPR Kids, one mother wrote: “OMG how scary! Thank you for sharing and raising awareness. I’m locking my plug in the cupboard right away.”

Another mum said: “I remember reading this story two years ago and I have kept the bath plug out of reach every night since. So scary.”

And for those with built-in bath plugs, CPR Kids shared some additional tips for safety-proofing the bathroom, saying parents could try doorknob covers, safety chains, or bolt locks.

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This Mum Is Going Viral For Teaching Her Sons Life Skills Sans Gender Roles

Payal Desai is on a mission to make sure she’s raising boys who can take care of themselves and their emotions.

The teacher and mom from New Jersey is going viral on TikTok for sharing a series of life lessons that she’s giving her sons Carter, 7, and Dev, 3.

The videos ― which are soundtracked to Luniz’s 1995 hit “I Got 5 On It” and conclude with Desai deadpanning to the camera ― show the mom of two teaching the boys how to be non-dusty husbands to their future partners. (For the unfamiliar, “your dusty son” has become something of a meme lately; to be dusty is to exhibit an undesirable mix of laziness and general scrub-like behaviour.)

In one viral clip, she encourages Carter to make space for his feelings so he’ll know it’s normal to express what’s going on inside when he’s in a relationship. “Teaching my son to write down his feelings when he’s upset so your daughter won’t have to deal with his impulsive outbursts,” her caption reads.

<img class="img-sized__img portrait" loading="lazy" alt=""I want to equip my sons with tools in dealing with their emotions, but also let them know that there is always space for them, too," Desai said. ” width=”720″ height=”1092″ src=”https://www.wellnessmaster.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/this-mum-is-going-viral-for-teaching-her-sons-life-skills-sans-gender-roles-6.jpg”>

Payal Desai/TikTok

“I want to equip my sons with tools in dealing with their emotions, but also let them know that there is always space for them, too,” Desai said.

In another clip, Dev watches as his mom gets rid of peach fuzz above her lip so he’s not weird about women having body hair. “Teaching my son that facial hair on a female is perfectly normal so he never thinks it’s ok to embarrass someone for it,” it reads.

<img class="img-sized__img portrait" loading="lazy" alt="Desai's video about normalizing female facial hair is particularly popular. "I thank you for this from the bottom of my heart, from someone who was constantly bullied for her peach fuzz and hairy arms/legs," one woman wrote in the comments.” width=”720″ height=”1146″ src=”https://www.wellnessmaster.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/this-mum-is-going-viral-for-teaching-her-sons-life-skills-sans-gender-roles-7.jpg”>

Payal Desai/TikTok

Desai’s video about normalizing female facial hair is particularly popular. “I thank you for this from the bottom of my heart, from someone who was constantly bullied for her peach fuzz and hairy arms/legs,” one woman wrote in the comments.

In another, she reminds Carter it’s important to do an equal share of chores around the house. (You might think younger couples would be more egalitarian in their approach to household chores, but according to studies, you’d be wrong.)

“Teaching my son that dirty clothes go IN the hamper so your daughter doesn’t have to pick his underwear up off the bathroom floor every night,” she typed.

<img class="img-sized__img portrait" loading="lazy" alt="Many of Desai's videos focus on the importance of splitting household chores. ” width=”720″ height=”1133″ src=”https://www.wellnessmaster.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/this-mum-is-going-viral-for-teaching-her-sons-life-skills-sans-gender-roles-8.jpg”>

In an interview with HuffPost, Desai said that she and her husband are trying to raise boys who can take care of themselves and not bottle up their emotions.

“Too often boys are told to ‘suck it up’ and hide their true feelings, and eventually, to ‘man up,’” she said. “I want to equip my sons with tools in dealing with their emotions but also let them know that there is always space for them, too.”

Desai was inspired to create the series after watching a comedic TikTok series from Eric Taylor — @girldad_e, as he’s known online — about raising daughters who know their worth and can recognise and steer clear of people’s “dusty sons.”

“I told my sister I wanted to do this trend but from the perspective of a mom of boys, and the first video really took off,” Desai said. “I then realised there was so much ground to cover.”

<img class="img-sized__img portrait" loading="lazy" alt="In another clip, Desai washes dishes with her son so his future partner doesn’t have to "deal with a man who was catered to his whole life."” width=”720″ height=”1160″ src=”https://www.wellnessmaster.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/this-mum-is-going-viral-for-teaching-her-sons-life-skills-sans-gender-roles-9.jpg”>

Payal Desai/TikTok

In another clip, Desai washes dishes with her son so his future partner doesn’t have to “deal with a man who was catered to his whole life.”

Though most of the comments on the videos are supportive (“First boy mom on TikTok that’s not toxic, love to see it,” “Is it too late to send this to my mother in law?”), some have remarked that they found the videos problematic.

“Picking up your underwear, being able to make something to eat for yourself and self regulation are not a favour or a gift to other women or people for that matter,” one woman wrote in an Instagram repost of the videos. “It is the literal bare minimum parents should teach their kids irrespective of gender.”

Desai disagrees with that line of criticism.

“If it were ‘standard,’ then many more people would live their lives according to these lessons,” she said. “The problem is it is not standard, and these are issues of equity we have to start talking about. I know it makes some people feel uncomfortable, but change only happens in discomfort.”

<img class="img-sized__img portrait" loading="lazy" alt="In one video, Desai and her sons Carter, 7, and Dev, 3, watch women’s soccer so "they understand what it means to be an ally to women."” width=”720″ height=”1045″ src=”https://www.wellnessmaster.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/this-mum-is-going-viral-for-teaching-her-sons-life-skills-sans-gender-roles-10.jpg”>

Payal Desai/TikTok

In one video, Desai and her sons Carter, 7, and Dev, 3, watch women’s soccer so “they understand what it means to be an ally to women.”

She has acknowledged feedback about referring to her sons’ future partners, promising to use more inclusive language. By and large, though, the response to the videos has been positive.

“Over the course of a month, my following on the platforms have skyrocketed, and I am so thankful it’s sending this positive message to dispel traditional gender roles and norms,” she said.

Dev and Carter, meanwhile, got a kick out of appearing on “Good Morning Philadelphia” TV show last week while his parents discussed the viral clips.

“Carter especially really got it more after the morning show!” Desai said. “He has enjoyed the recognition and understands the weight it holds.”

To see all of her videos, head to Desai’s TikTok or Instagram page.

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Strictly’s Oti Mabuse Gets Candid About One ‘Beautiful Life Lesson’ Pregnancy Has Taught Her

Former Strictly Come Dancing professional Oti Mabuse has shared a candid Instagram post about the “huge adjustments” she’s made due to her pregnancy.

Over the weekend, Oti announced that she and her husband, fellow dancer Marius Lepure, are expecting their first child, and in a follow-up Instagram post, revealed she had to take an extended break from dancing early on in her pregnancy due to the nausea it triggered.

“I actually do enjoy working out lately again,” she explained. “In the beginning it was the one thing along with dancing that would cause my nausea so I stayed away for the longest of time.

“This obviously was a huge adjustment for my body, mental health and stamina and came with another huge but beautiful life lesson. I am creating a human being and whatever my body needs I should listen to it.

“But now that I can walk, run [and] lift weights again… I’m excited to get active again.”

Oti joked: “And this new ass… OH MY DAYS. I love it.”

In her original post announcing her pregnancy news, Oti wrote: “This is new for us, scarier than swimming with sharks, jumping off cliffs or even swinging from bridges, but the best news we could have ever asked for.

“We love our little bundle of joy so much already… and can’t wait to see what our future will now look like as family of three plus Leo [the couple’s dog].

“It’s been a beautiful journey so far with close friends and family and nearly over but we have learnt a lot a long the way…. Christmas is about to get even louder.”

The South African performer followed this with a beautiful video in which she was seen sharing her happy news with her husband, Marius, as well as different family members and friends.

Oti is most well-known for her seven-year stint as a professional on Strictly, during which she made TV history as the only dancer to have won the show in two consecutive series.

More recently, she joined the panel of ITV’s Dancing On Ice and served as a judge on The Masked Dancer.

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‘My Tween Is Ruining My Marriage’

You’re reading Between Us, a place for parents to offload and share their tricky parenting dilemmas. Share your parenting dilemma here and we’ll seek advice from experts.

Parents have a lot to juggle in their own lives, as well as their children’s lives. So it’s no surprise then that when tweens (and teens) start to act out, it can feel like you’re teetering on the edge.

Ripples are felt far and wide – on your own mental health, on your relationship – the whole situation can swiftly spiral.

Such is the case for one parent, who shared their parenting dilemma on Reddit this week:

“My child is ruining my marriage. My eldest is almost a teenager and this year has been tough on her. She’s lost a lot of friends in school, has had to deal with a new sibling taking our attention and she’s got a rare pain condition. We have tried so hard to be supportive. We’ve tried giving her advice, attention, space, support, solutions and bent over backwards to be kind to her. It’s been hard though because she’s responded with an attitude that stinks and acting like she doesn’t care.

“I’m honestly at a loss because I don’t know what to do and me and my husband have had so many rows about her and her behaviour. We’ve just had a huge blow up and I honestly don’t know if we can come back from this. He’s so angry that she’s gone to do nice things today after speaking to me like shit and I was cross too and things were said that blew up. I can’t stop crying. I feel awful. I’ve failed as a mother and a wife.”

So, what can they do?

1. Be kind to yourself

Counselling Directory member Jenny Warwick says that, first and foremost, parents in this position need to prioritise themselves. “You have not failed as a mother or wife,” she says. “This is the time when you need to be kind to yourself.

“Remember, you won’t be able to help others if you feel drained and exhausted. Taking breaks for self-care is not selfish; it’s necessary.”

Family Lives, a charity supporting families, recommends that parents take time to relax; treat themselves occasionally; talk about their concerns with friends, partners or online forums; and learn techniques for coping with low mood, sadness and depression or anxiety.

2. Know that the tween period is really hard for all involved

Research actually suggests the tween period – when children are eight to 13 years old – are the hardest years of parenting.

According to parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith, this is because they are much more emotionally exhausting, not to mention less rewarding than, say, the toddler years when your child still relies on you for so much and is learning a lot, too.

Warwick agrees that this period can be “particularly tricky” to manage for parents. “Part of being a tween is finding independence and forging their own path, resulting in a strong push away from their parents,” she explains.

“As far as you are concerned, this has come out of nowhere and feels personal. However, recognising this as a typical part of preteen development can make the emotional burden easier to bear.”

On top of that, she acknowledges it sounds like the daughter is going through a lot – navigating shifts in friendships, coping with a pain condition and a new sibling.

But while this might contribute to her behaviour, “none of this gives her an excuse to be rude”, adds the counsellor.

If your child appears to be particularly struggling mentally, it might be worth speaking to your GP or a mental health charity – like The Mix, YoungMinds and Relate – for further advice.

3. Remember: your daughter still needs you

When your child is pushing you away, it might be tempting to just let them – especially when their attitude towards you leaves little to be desired – but Warwick suggests the daughter needs her parents now more than ever.

That said, the way to offer support to her is very different at this stage in her life than when she was younger, she suggests.

“Helping her find solutions is much more effective than jumping in to fix things for her. This can be a hard change in approach for parents to make, but it is the way forward,” says Warwick.

At the same time, you need to prioritise yourself and help your daughter recognise that your life doesn’t revolve around her, suggests the therapist.

4. Carve out time to be with your partner

When you welcome a new child, your relationship can instantly be put on the back-burner – add wider family discord into the mix, and things get trickier.

It will undoubtedly put pressure on a romantic relationship. And, to top that off, children can sense any tension, which might prompt further behavioural changes.

“You and your husband need to be on the same page regarding parenting,” says Warwick. “It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, too, with a new child.”

Verywell Family recommends parents try the following tips to help get back on the same page:

  • Determine what the consequences are for your children breaking rules in your home and stick to them.
  • Create parenting rules together and if you don’t agree on some of them, talk it out. Then share these rules with the wider household.
  • Back each other up in front of the kids and don’t disagree with each other in front of them.
  • Listen to each other, compromise where you can, and remember you’re on the same team.

Warwick’s advice to this parent is to give the relationship some care, “as it’s much easier if you are in this together”. This means taking time to be together as a couple to maintain a connection.

“Doing this lets you devise a plan of action together and establish agreed-upon boundaries for your family,” she adds.

Help and support:

  • Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
  • Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
  • CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
  • The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
  • Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.
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Gentle Parents Set Kids Up For ‘Lifetime Of Friendlessness’, Says Parent In Divisive Online Rant

Gentle parenting is a lot like Marmite – you either love it or you hate it.

Case in point: a parent has taken to Mumsnet’s ‘Am I Being Unreasonable?’ forum to reveal they think gentle parents are “setting their kids up for a lifetime of friendlessness and struggling to hold down a job”. Ooof.

“You get one chance to build the neural pathways that guide you for the rest of your life and if you don’t learn that you’re not the centre of anyone else’s universe as a young kid, you never will,” they wrote.

Well, you can imagine how that went down. “I think you’ve misunderstood gentle parenting. Wildly,” someone responded in the comments section.

“I think you mean passive or permissive parenting,” said another.

So, what is gentle parenting then? (And why do some people think it’s the devil?)

Gentle parenting is composed of four main elements, according to Verywell Family, these include: empathy, respect, understanding, and setting firm boundaries.

This parenting style focuses on being compassionate while also enforcing consistent boundaries. It’s about teaching, not punishing.

The parenting style is sometimes confused with permissive parenting. These parents are more lenient in their approach and take on more of a friend role than a parent role.

“My DF’s [dear friend’s] sons are being gentle parented, never told off, always calmly spoken too and explained everything and given the option to talk about their feelings,” said one parent on the Mumsnet thread.

“Both massive brats who are violent to other children, constantly demanding attention and breaking toys if they don’t get it. Constantly asking for treats, sweets, cake, etc., I guess never hearing a straight ‘no’ must encourage this. Can’t bear to organise playdates anymore.”

Another person said of the parenting approach: “Gentle parenting means when your child beats up another child or wrecks somebody’s house you say in a calm voice ‘no darling we don’t do that’.”

There were a lot of comments – we’re talking hundreds – on the forum, but the general consensus was that the above is absolutely not what gentle parenting is.

“I am so sick and tired of people slating what they think is gentle parenting (when they are actually just describing lazy, shit parenting),” a parent responded on the thread.

“I’ve never shouted at my six year old, never had to. He’s brilliantly behaved, yes he does things wrong and acts up but I don’t need to shout or make him cry and dish out punishments.”

An example of gentle parenting in action

Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who specialises in the psychology and science of parenting and is generally regarded as the founder of the gentle parenting movement, offers a handy example of gentle parenting in action.

A two-year-old has found some shampoo and, unbeknown to their parent, has started to pour it out onto the bathroom floor and in the bath. Then they’ve used someone’s toothbrush to swirl it around and make patterns.

“In this example, permissive parents would allow the toddler to carry on, reluctant to apprehend, knowing if they take the shampoo and toothpaste away the toddler will cry,” Ockwell-Smith explained on her website.

But she added this isn’t true gentle parenting.

“A truly gentle parent would take the shampoo and toothpaste from the toddler, explain why they cannot play with them, offer them an alternative for ‘messy play’ with limits, such as using pouring toys whilst the toddler is in the bath, and sit with them during the resulting tears and tantrum that will ensue,” she said.

Does gentle parenting work?

Studies suggest it has lots of benefits. According to Forbes, research suggests gentle parenting could decrease the risk of childhood depression and help kids self-regulate.

The parenting style also promotes a secure attachment, which could result in children being more curious, self-reliant and independent.

Of course, as with anything, there are drawbacks, too: it’s time-consuming, can be hard for parents to implement if they were parented differently, and requires a heck of a lot of patience.

But parents who have followed it agree that in the end, it can pay dividends.

“I followed some (not all) gentle parenting approaches and I think it paid off in spades. They are lovely, kind children who absolutely know the world doesn’t revolve around them,” said one parent on Mumsnet.

Another added: “Reading through examples of gentle parenting, we probably did lots of it although didn’t realise it had a term. It seems normal to me to listen and respect your children, not shout at them, teach them to think of others, explain reasoning instead of just being the ‘behave this way because I said so’ type.

“I think explaining things, listening to them, respecting their opinions, is much more time consuming but really pays off in the teen and adult years. Our kids know we are reasonable, and that they’re important, so they respect us because they like us.”

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Adele Gets Teary As She Helps Expectant Couple With Mid-Concert Gender Reveal

Adele made a New York couple’s visit to Las Vegas extra special by helping them with a very personal announcement.

Viral footage captured over the weekend shows the 16-time Grammy winner halting a performance of her blockbuster residency, Weekends With Adele, to reveal the sex of Chris Dare and Shantelle Lord’s baby.

The pair – who travelled from Newburgh, New York – attended Adele’s performance at the Colosseum at Caesars Palace on Saturday bearing a custom-made flag that read: “Adele will you do our gender reveal?”

Once the flag caught Adele’s eye, she tore into a sealed envelope that had been handed to her by the couple, after which she proclaimed: “Shantelle and Chris are having a baby boy!”

After the crowd erupted into applause, Adele became visibly teary before making a request of her own.

“That’s so emotional, oh, my God,” she said, adding: “If and when I get pregnant, will you do my gender reveal?”

Dare uploaded footage of the moment on his TikTok and Instagram accounts and thanked Adele for her assistance.

“POV: Adele did our gender reveal,” he wrote on Instagram. “Adele, you are amazing and we will remember this night for the rest of our lives.”

Adele kicked off the second leg of Weekends With Adele” last month, and has said she plans to commemorate the show with a live concert special.

The singer is the mother of a 10-year-old son, Angelo, whom she shares with ex-husband Simon Konecki. She’s currently in a relationship with sports agent Rich Paul, and has been open about her desire to have another child.

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Um, So Here Are 4 Things You Really Shouldn’t Say To Teens On Results Day

The next couple of weeks will be a mixture of anxiety and excitement for teens (and their parents) up and down the country.

On August 17, A-level, AS-level and T-level results will be revealed, while a week later, on August 24, GCSE results will be announced.

It’s a huge moment for a lot of teens who, based on their results, may then decide to continue studying, try and get a job, or even consider resits.

So, says Dr Nihara Krause, a consultant clinical psychologist specialising in teenage mental health, “how parents engage at this time can help shape motivation and confidence moving forwards”.

It’s understandable that lots of teens will be more than a little anxious about how their parents will respond to their grades – so responding positively is key, even if the outcome is not what you or they wanted, suggests the psychologist.

While we want what’s best for our children, sometimes we can easily let our own disappointment show – and when your teen is feeling pretty pants, this isn’t really going to help.

Here, Dr Krause – who is working with Talking Futures, a toolkit which helps parents instigate career conversations with their kids – shares some phrases you definitely want to avoid uttering when they receive their grades.

What not to say on results day

1. You should have revised more

In short: not a helpful comment. “This suggests disappointment in the effort put into revision and that your child has fallen short of parental expectations,” says Dr Krause.

It’s going to leave your teen feeling pretty lousy.

2. If only you had spent less time on your phone

Whilst spending time on the phone is a very common parental concern, it’s more helpful to identify what difficulties or blocks there might be in a young person applying themselves to their studies rather than focusing on time spent elsewhere, suggests the psychologist.

3. What are you going to do now with these results rather than the ones predicted?

“Avoid indicating that there are no alternatives and painting a bleak future,” says the expert.

Instead, parents might want to do a bit of research themselves, looking into further education and career options available to their child following their exam results.

This way, they can steer their teen’s focus towards their futures, no matter their results.

4. How did everyone else in your class do?

If your child is feeling rubbish about their results, this focus on how other people did probably isn’t going to help.

“Opting for a judgmental question may affect self-esteem in terms of feeling less than or, if they’ve done better, to feel ‘better than’,” says the psychologist.

5. Exams were a lot harder in my day

It’s best to avoid turning the conversation into a comparison on sitting exams when you were young, as this “minimises their success”, she adds.

What to say instead

1. I’m so proud of the effort you put into your exams

Regardless of results, it’s important to acknowledge your child’s efforts and encourage them to think about the steps they have taken to get to where they are today.

“Encourage gratitude, discourage bragging, and focus your conversations with them around next steps in their future whilst motivation is high,” she suggests.

2. Let’s focus on your strengths, rather than comparing yourself to others – how your friends did won’t impact you or your future

“There is a mistaken belief that comparison generates ‘healthy competition’,” says Dr Krause.

But she suggests focusing on what helps a young person to gain their own personal best is far more effective than comparing, as it helps them identify unique qualities and improve on these.

It also helps generate self-acceptance and positivity, while avoiding complacency, the expert suggests.

3. Let’s consider your next steps together

A problem shared is a problem halved, after all.

“Be positive about alternatives and help build confidence by showing that you are there to support them,” says Dr Krause, “by doing this you can also motivate your young person to look ahead.”

Research from Talking Futures found 65% of 13-to-18-year-olds are most likely to say their parent is the number one person in their life that they would want to support and guide them on their chosen career path.

However good timing and using the right phrases are essential to ensuring this is done constructively.

“Depending on how the young person feels about the results they have received, now might not be the best time for parents to bring up the topic of the future and next steps,” says Dr Krause.

“And even if it does feel like it’s an OK topic to discuss, parents should approach conversations with extra care – mixed emotions and feeling overwhelmed is common for both parents and young people alike at results time, so let them settle first before constructive conversation can begin.”

Here’s to a positivity-filled results day, no matter the outcome.

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