Tag Archives: Relationships

The Critical Skill of Boundary Management

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Boundary management is such an important – and often overlooked – part of life. A significant amount of the email feedback I receive from readers who are struggling has to do with boundary management problems.

When people don’t practice effective boundary management skills, they often succumb to problems like these:

  • Toxic family members repeatedly pushing their buttons
  • Co-workers and bosses that don’t carry their weight
  • Roommates or neighbors that violate their quiet enjoyment of their home
  • Relationship partners that lie to them
  • Friends borrowing money or possessions and not returning them
  • People who repeatedly treat them with disdain or disrespect
  • Seeing friends fighting on their social media profiles

Then they want to know what to do about it. They usually feel a bit beaten down in dealing with such problems for so long.

What causes these issues in the first place? Is it just other people’s bad behaviors? Were you just unlucky?

Questions I like to ask are: How long have you been tolerating this behavior? What have you done to stop it? What will it actually take to stop it?

People will tell me about the actions they’ve taken to try to reason with the other person. They might mention their guilt about being too firm with the other person. But they haven’t actually stopped the unwanted behavior from occurring.

What’s really stopping them much of the time is their resistance to conflict or to hurting the other person emotionally. This avoidance behavior is what’s really keeping them stuck.

Realize that being firm with people now and then is really important for your own sanity. And the issues usually aren’t personal per se; they’re usually behavioral. You probably don’t need to eliminate the person from your life if they’re willing and able to change the problem behaviors that are violating your boundaries. But if they aren’t both willing and able, then removing the person from your life may be your best option.

Being serious and firm and expressing some emotion in affirming your boundaries and the consequences for violating them can help the other person take you more seriously. This can increase their willingness and their ability to remedy the situation. But not all people will respond positively. Some will try to minimize your concerns. Some just won’t be willing at all, in which case your alternative is pretty clear. If you don’t see strong willingness and the expectation that the behavior will be corrected, consider that it may be time to move on from this relationship.

You deserve relationships that respect your boundaries. To accept less is to disrespect yourself. What I see in many of the people who email me about these issues is that they’ve lost much of their own self-respect. These social problems weigh heavily on them, and they don’t like how they’re being affected.

Many boundary management issues could be solved in an hour or less with a single conversation. Some could be solved within minutes. A five-minute email might get the job done, perhaps even a one-minute email.

How many words does it take to establish a firm, clear boundary with someone along with a clear consequence, such that if they violate it again, it’s game over for your relationship with that person?

Here’s my boundary. This behavior you’ve been doing is completely unacceptable to me. If our relationship matters to you, I need you to permanently discontinue this behavior. If you violate my boundaries again, I’ll do X, Y, and Z.

What you propose for X, Y, and Z depends on the situation. It may include no longer working with the other person, cutting off all communication, declaring an end to the relationship, someone moving out, kicking someone off the team, breaking up, etc.

If necessary remember that you can walk away and leave. Lots of people have had to make that choice.

For some situations where the boundary violations seem irreparable, how long does it take to say, “We’re done”?

I’ve literally used just those two words when dealing with irreparable boundary violations.

Are any relationships really irreparable though? From an ideal standpoint, you might assume that most could recover, given enough time and effort, but balance this with how much the relationship matters to you and whether you think the likely effort required to repair the relationship is worth it. Also consider whether the relationship could be restored to 100% or if the best you’re likely to recover is something like 70%, with the other 30% being some enduring loss of trust and respect. Sometimes the damage is just too great for recovery efforts to make sense.

If I can close out a boundary violation with two simple words, even though it ends the personal relationship, but the alternative is to invest dozens of hours of emotionally draining discussion just to get back to 70% (at best), I’ll probably conclude that letting go and moving on is the best course of action. There are plenty of other people to connect with in this world, and most of those connections won’t involve boundary violations.

I know it really sucks when you must do this with a relative. It’s one of the hardest things ever for many people. But it does lead to relief, and it invites a redefinition of what family really means to you, which may not be the same as relatives.

Boundary management isn’t just something you do once. It’s a lifelong habit that requires ongoing practice. Think of it as an important life skill. When you fail to practice good boundary management in one situation, you’re setting yourself more boundary violation problems. When you practice this skill, you’re building up your ability to maintain better boundaries in the future.

Many people, including me, built stronger boundary management skills as a result of dealing with repeated boundary violations earlier in life. We got tired of the frustrations and decided to figure out how to solve these types of problems. We got past the wishful thinking phase and started accepting that some people just don’t belong in our daily lives.

I accept that boundary management is something I’ll have to keep practicing for the rest of my life. Fortunately I’ve had a lot of practice with it over the years, so I don’t mind it so much. It does get easier over time, perhaps even becoming semi-instinctual.

I think this skill has a lot to do with cultivating self-trust. If you’re struggling with this part of life, you’ve probably been getting plenty of instinctual signals, such as the desire to be firmer or the possibility of cutting off all ties and just surrendering to that. But you may not trust those signals enough to act on them yet. Many people will only lean in this direction when the frustration and desperation are intense enough; they’re finally fed up and have to do something about it. But with more practice, you can begin acting on more subtle signals before problems have beaten you down to such an extent. You can spot potential issues earlier and nip them in the bud. It’s like you develop better prediction circuitry for noticing when a potential boundary violator steps into your space, and you practice prevention before any violations can even occur.

Boundary management is such an important issue that I actually cover it within every major course I’ve published, each time from a different angle.

Almost everyone starts out too tolerant of boundary violations. When our boundaries are violated in childhood, we don’t have the skills to be firm, so tolerating unwanted behaviors (perhaps through gritted teeth) may be our only realistic option. But as an adult you have more options, such as declaring which behaviors you’ll accept from others and which you won’t.

The long-term benefit from good boundary management is increased appreciation for the aligned people in your life, who may not show up in much quantity till you maintain and enforce better boundaries. It’s a real pleasure to connect with people each day who respect and honor your boundaries, and you respect and honor theirs.

Lastly, consider that if you don’t practice good boundary management, the very best matches for you will probably keep their distance because they’ll sense that you aren’t emotionally ready to invest yet. When your energy is tied up in dealing with boundary violations, you won’t have much capacity to invest in more mature and supportive relationships. Boundary violations clutter your life with junk relationships, crowding out the more nutritious ones. If you don’t raise your standards and pull yourself out of the swamp of boundary violations, you’ll miss out on so much of the real joy of human connection. If you let that happen, that’s on you. If you don’t say a firm no to the misaligned, you’re saying a firm no to the aligned.

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Irrational Neutrality

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Do you have any people in your life who, in the face of today’s many social storms, will say things like this?

  • I just prefer to remain neutral.
  • I like to see both sides.
  • I’m not into hating people on either side.
  • The media makes everything look bad.

How does this land with you? Do you think it’s a valid perspective?

I agree that there are some issues where intelligent, rational, and compassionate people will come to different thoughtful conclusions. People have different values, so this is to be expected.

Some examples include:

  • Where the government should spend more or less money
  • Abortion rights
  • What to do about illegal immigrants
  • Crime prevention
  • How to fix the educational system
  • How to reopen the economy during a pandemic

For instance, I’m pro-choice regarding abortion rights. I can understand that some people will disagree with my position, and I don’t fault them for it. If other people want to swear me off because of this (including the fact that I’ve paid for an abortion before), that’s their choice. But I wouldn’t hold it against someone for having a different well-reasoned opinion on this. To me it’s mainly a value judgement.

There is some rationality to consider here, however, which is that in places that outlaw abortion, crime surges significantly about 20 years later. Forcing people to have babies they’d prefer not to have causes bigger problems for society down the road. So I do consider these ripples. Outlawing abortion actually does a lot of measurable harm where it’s been tried.

If someone is anti-abortion, and they base their concerns on valuing and protecting that new life, and they see this as being more important than an adult’s right to choose, I think that’s honorable. I can see that POV as a rational stance too, even with the negative ripples this could cause to society.

But if someone bases their stance on what the Bible says, I’d dismiss them as being irrational. It’s not rational to obey an old religious text that’s full of self-contradictions. I don’t respect this kind of non-reasoned approach, which is based on obedience, not intelligence.

There are other societal issues, however, that seem a lot more straightforward to me in terms of the intelligent choice. It’s harder to imagine a genuinely rational argument against these.

These include:

  • Creating a less racist society
  • Decreasing the wealth gap
  • Moving the world away from fossil fuels and towards clean energy
  • Curing diseases
  • Making new scientific discoveries
  • Advancing LGBTQ rights
  • Increasing global happiness
  • Providing people with clean water

For several years now, I’ve been donating money each month to Charity Water. Their mission is to help provide clean water to the hundreds of millions of people who still don’t have reliable access to this precious resource. For instance, Charity Water builds new wells in Africa.

Is there a rational POV that would make this look like a bad idea? Is this even controversial? Do you know any intelligent person who’d claim that so many people shouldn’t have access to clean water or that we should do the opposite and make more people drink dirty and disease-ridden water?

I’ve shared before that I’ve been donating to this charity, and not a single person has objected to it. But if I were to share a more controversial charity, some people would complain. Of course if a charity turned out to be corrupt, that could become a source of objection, but I think it would be hard to find intelligent people who’d object to the stated mission to bring clean water to people who don’t have it.

When someone wants to straddle the fence on genuinely controversial issues where rational people may disagree, I don’t see that as such a big deal. When people claim to see both sides here, I don’t fault them for it.

But when someone tries to straddle the fence about issues where it seems really tough to stretch rationality to validate a clearly irrational perspective, I lose respect for them. I find much less value in friendships with such people. I think their stance is cowardly and lacking integrity.

I think one reason people do this is that they’re trying to preserve their relationships across a wide spectrum, but when they cross into irrationality to do so, they sacrifice their integrity. They become part of the problem. They enable more stupidity in the world because they’re too afraid to call it out.

For instance, Trump recently stated publicly that he wants to reduce testing for coronavirus. He blamed testing itself for the rise of new cases. Reducing testing during a pandemic is idiotic, which is why Trump’s own advisors have been cringing at the idea. Moreover, you can’t blame the media for sharing videos of what he actually said himself.

Are there really multiple sides to this that are equally valid? Maybe if you’re really dumb, you might think that way, but if you have at least half a brain, it should be obvious enough that more testing, not less, is the rational and intelligent way to go here.

Are honesty and lying just two different sides? What about rationality and irrationality? Should you maintain friendships with people all along the honesty and rationality spectrum? Are you just being extra friendly, kind, and forgiving when you do that? Ha! I don’t think so.

At some point people are clearly going too far here and turning their backs on truth and rationality when they pretend that there are equally valid sides to consider. Such a posture is just delusional.

Here’s a quote from long-term Republican Steve Schmidt, who’s been a key strategist for some major Republican campaigns:

Donald Trump has been the worst president this country has ever had. And I don’t say that hyperbolically. He is. But he is a consequential president. And he has brought this country in three short years to a place of weakness that is simply unimaginable if you were pondering where we are today from the day where Barack Obama left office. And there were a lot of us on that day who were deeply skeptical and very worried about what a Trump presidency would be. But this is a moment of unparalleled national humiliation, of weakness.

When you listen to the President, these are the musings of an imbecile. An idiot. And I don’t use those words to name call. I use them because they are the precise words of the English language to describe his behavior. His comportment. His actions. We’ve never seen a level of incompetence, a level of ineptitude so staggering on a daily basis by anybody in the history of the country whose ever been charged with substantial responsibilities.

It’s just astonishing that this man is president of the United States. The man, the con man, from New York City. Many bankruptcies, failed businesses, a reality show, that branded him as something that he never was. A successful businessman. Well, he’s the President of the United States now, and the man who said he would make the country great again. And he’s brought death, suffering, and economic collapse on truly an epic scale. And let’s be clear. This isn’t happening in every country around the world. This place. Our place. Our home. Our country. The United States. We are the epicenter. We are the place where you’re the most likely to die from this disease. We’re the ones with the most shattered economy. And we are because of the fool that sits in the Oval Office behind the Resolute Desk.

Now that’s refreshingly direct and honest. I have a lot more respect for this tell-it-like-it-is statement than for someone who pretends that Trump’s over-the-top incompetence are just a matter of perspective and that they “see both sides.”

I see both sides too, but they aren’t political sides. One side is rationality and honesty. The other side is bullshit. When people pretend that these are equally valid perspectives, I lose respect for them and tend to regard them as having low integrity, low intelligence, or both.

Trying to preserve your relationship with me at the expense of your own reason and integrity doesn’t score you any points with me. It costs you points. If you don’t respect honesty and rationality, you lose my respect. Trying to straddle this particular fence just makes you look weak and spineless.

I’m surely not alone in having this low opinion of people who try to straddle the rationality-irrationality fence, as if it’s just a political issue. Defending bullshit isn’t a political issue. It’s an issue of being a complete idiot. Your politics aren’t the issue. But if you descend into idiocy, that will put a damper on our relationship.

How do you honestly feel about people who try to straddle the fence between truth and bullshit? Do you feel they’re just being open-minded, accepting, and tolerant? Or do you feel they lack integrity?

It’s fine to have genuine differences about real political issues. We can still respect people with well-reasoned views different from our own. But I don’t think we should extend this courtesy to those who treat bullshit as if it’s a valid perspective. I don’t think this kind of attitude serves society. It just encourages the spread of more irrationality and indifference towards genuine issues that could use well-reasoned solutions.

When I see people doing this this type of fence sitting, I’m inclined to shake the fence (or perhaps set it ablaze) to see where they’ll land. And if they land on the side that’s full of shit, oh well!

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Overcoming Phony Politeness

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You may think of maintaining your boundaries as something you need to do to protect yourself, but practicing good boundary management for yourself can actually serve the people around you very well too.

Your boundaries define what you’re willing to allow into your life. You decide the types of people you’ll associate with and to what extent. You decide what types of behaviors you’ll allow and what’s off limits for you.

One guy I know has a clear boundary around whining. He doesn’t tolerate people whining in his presence. He advertises this boundary openly, so the people around him know this. Yes, he maintains this boundary for his own needs, but also consider how it serves others. People in his life will whine less when they’re around him, so they’ll likely spend less time whining overall. The “no whining” rule helps to redirect their energy away from a pointless bad habit.

Many people consider smoking in their presence to be a boundary issue. The more people who establish and maintain this boundary, the less encouragement there is for the horrendously bad habit of smoking. Does being tolerant of smoking actually do smokers as much service as being intolerant of it? Tolerating such a bad habit only invites more of it.

A lot of people are unwilling to maintain in-person relationships with smokers, so smokers will see their social opportunities shrink. Many people will avoid hanging out with smokers, especially for health reasons. Even those who smoke outside and come back inside smelling like ashtrays will incur a negative social hit. Being near someone who smells toxic is repulsive to many people.

It’s hard to imagine a mature, functional adult who doesn’t practice good boundary management to ward off other people’s unwanted behaviors. But a lot of people also resist maintaining good boundaries for the sake of politeness. Consider, however, that excessive politeness may simply encourage the unwanted behavior. If you try to be overly polite instead of firm, you’ll invite and incur more boundary violations.

You don’t get what you want here. You get what you’re willing to tolerate.

When I was in a phase of my life where I did a lot of destructive and illegal stuff, I really didn’t lose friends over it. My friends may have lost some respect for me, but they still hung out with me, shared meals together, and invited me to their all-night poker games just the same. What they didn’t realize is that by being so accepting and tolerant of my illegal activities (like shoplifting and other crazy stunts), they were granting silent approval of my bad habits. They didn’t actually help me in the ways I most needed help.

It would have been better if my friends had maintained stronger ethical boundaries regarding my behavior and cut me off socially while I engaged in those behaviors. I think that would have gotten my attention and helped me straighten out sooner than I did. I respected my friends and the relationships I had with them, and I wouldn’t have wanted to threaten that. It would have been hard for me to deal with being ostracized, but if I had to choose between doing crazy illegal stuff and maintaining my existing friendships, I think I would have chosen to preserve the friendships. I think that type of social pressure would have been healthy for me. Sure it would have been nice if I didn’t need it, but what was the alternative? I had to be straightened out by multiple court appearances instead.

Even if my other option was to continue doing illegal stuff and to lie about it, that would have damaged my friendships too. I’d have to sink even more to continue the bad habits. And I’d know that if my friends discovered the truth, I’d be in for more social problems. I think that threat to my social life would have also had a beneficial effect. Of course this depends on how much leverage there is in those relationships.

Some friends did try to talk some sense into me, but they were so gentle and polite about it, and there were no real social consequences for noncompliance on my part, so it really had no effect. I just replied with sarcasm or joked around with them in response.

While I agree that it’s nice to allow people social freedoms, I think this approach has its limits and ought to be balanced with some firm encouragement to develop better self-control. At some point when a person is engaging in destructive behavior, it may be wise to escalate to a stronger social consequence.

This is how many human tribes resolved differences before we developed more complex state-based societies. Negative behaviors were often socially punished. And dispute resolution was based on preserving and restoring healthy community relationships, not primarily on achieving justice.

In yesterday’s post about Trump supporters, I did my best to make it clear that people who support this loser will incur a social consequence from me. I’m just one person doing this, but if more people joined in, perhaps we could really shift something here and help people abandon this foolish and destructive behavior pattern.

While some people feel it’s best to keep communication channels open and try to be polite, I think that’s too weak of a position, especially with respect to the disease of Trumpism. and it will just enable and encourage more idiotic behavior. “Let’s be polite and civil about this” is the same attitude that enables racism to continue. At some point when a problem has festered long enough, it’s time to establish some firmer consequences. When the consequences become strong enough, it really does change people’s behaviors.

Don’t you feel that certain negative behaviors are much riskier today than they were 10-20 years ago? Why? Because the social consequences of some of those behaviors are even higher today than they used to be.

To raise our collective social standards, we must be firmer with boundary management as individuals.

Consider that being firm and resolute in your boundary management may be a lot more beneficial for others than being so polite and gentle. When you’re leaning towards gentleness, consider why you’re doing that. Is it really the best course of action for the other person in the long run? Or are you really just trying to avoid a conflict that you’d rather not deal with?

Politeness and gentleness are good values when your boundaries aren’t being violated. If you want to preserve the status quo, go ahead and favor politeness in your interactions. I for one think the status quo in the USA right now is pretty fucking far from okay, as do many people I know. I like that we’ve opened a gateway where honesty and firmness are becoming more important than politeness and gentleness. Yes, there’s a lot of anger coming out too – the result of too much phony politeness for too long. I find the emotional honesty coming out of people these days to be refreshing.

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Appreciating Your Intelligence and Rationality

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I just want to take a moment to express appreciation to you (and all of my readers) for your intelligence and rationality – and your open-heartedness as well – during these incredible shifts that we’re all living through. This has surely been a year of change – and can you believe we’re not even halfway through it yet?

The feedback I’ve been getting in recent weeks really drives home how lucky I am to connect with you.

I’ve seen so much polarization and cynicism elsewhere online these days, and it’s refreshing to get to connect each day with people who are optimistic, rational, and deeply committed to personal growth. It’s especially inspiring and motivating to connect with people who care about being of service and who want to make a positive difference in the world.

One thing I’ve found helpful – as have many friends – is to practice especially strong boundary management this year. I know that many of my readers have had to do the same. This really does help. I know some people confuse weak boundaries with tolerance, but that form of tolerance is actually a form of resistance.

I’ve seen people descending into irrationality, cynicism, overt racism and sexism, Trumpism, nationalism, and other “isms” that clearly violate the principles by which I’ve chosen to live. I recognize that they have the freedom to pursue those depths if they want to, in which case I’ll exercise the freedom to de-simulate them from my reality. I decline what they offer, often using small words so they’re sure to understand. I still feel compassion for them, as long as they stay well out of disgust range and don’t try to projectile-vomit their insanities into my personal sphere.

This contrast actually makes me feel even more grateful for the people who haven’t gone batshit insane – for those who still have a good head on their shoulders and a good heart in their chests. Lately I’ve been feeling more of my energy shifting inwards towards these delightful and intelligent people. It’s helped me see that my work really isn’t meant for everyone – it’s really just meant for those who resonate with it.

Where are you putting your energy these days? What effects do different investments of energy have on yourself and others? Are you investing where the appreciation is flowing well? Even during trying times, can you still feel grateful for the people you get to connect with each day? If not, you can change that, and a good place to start is by making sure you’re practicing intelligent boundary management.

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Social Contracts

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So we’re going through some upheaval now.

I’ve seen lots of polarized opinions about what’s been happening with respect to the protests and riots, but most of what I’ve seen doesn’t resonate with me. I find it difficult to subscribe to other people’s meanings in this area.

However, I found what Trevor Noah shared about this to be insightful. Normally he shares in a comedic style, but this video includes some deep and reflective commentary.

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I especially liked what he shared about social contracts.

A social contract includes many aspects, such as rules and laws, behavioral standards, expectations, values, and consequences.

I violated the social contract with the State of California quite a lot when I was younger, which led to being arrested multiple times. For a while I was okay with those consequences… until eventually I wasn’t.

I also violated the social contract with the religion that I grew up with, which led to abandoning that religion. It was a bad contract to begin with, so I was glad to terminate it.

Other times I violated aspects of social contracts more consciously, including those that expected me to get a job and to be monogamous. No regrets there.

But there is one social contract that I hold sacred, which is the contract I have with reality itself. A key aspect of this contract is that I always give reality the benefit of the doubt and don’t turn against it. Whatever reality dishes out, I do my best to accept it and roll with it.

This is a difficult one to uphold, but I find it essential for having a sane and functional life. It challenges me to keep seeking the personal meaning within any situation. It makes me ask repeatedly: How is what’s arising an invitation to grow?

I can’t answer that for other people. I can’t tell others what to think and feel and what the “correct” way to interpret current events are. The interpretation is personal. It’s your job to figure that out for yourself. If you look to others to answer this for you, you’ll be disappointed. Only your own answers can satisfy you.

I can share how I interpret the events in ways that enable me to honor my social contract with reality. Just don’t expect my meaning to be meaningful for you.

I see anger, violence, and upheaval, sparked in part by a violation of people’s values and expectations. I see the President hiding in his bunker and Tweeting his usual idiocy instead of leadership. I see Mark Zuckerberg’s own team members turning against him for his weak response. I don’t see the pathways emerging to create real solutions from the current situation, just escalating cycles of what we’ve already been through.

This makes me wonder what those pathways might be. I sense the pathways to growth and improvement will be in the direction of caring, empathy, and compassion. There is some of that in the current picture, but it seems more in the background and not in the foreground. So the personal meaning I see here is that caring needs to be moved into the foreground. The voice of caring is asking for fuller expression.

Caring is a big part of my work, but work itself can sometimes push the caring aspect out of the foreground of my life. So I’ve opted to give this voice of caring more space in my life this month.

Starting today, I’m doing a 30-day challenge to stop working by 4pm each weekday (other than 2 days when I have conflicting commitments that I’ll honor) and then devote 2 hours to exploring something that calls to my heart and feelings – something not directly work-related and with no expectation of being turned into a work product. Just let the heart lead, and follow it where it wants to go. Tune into what I care about, and engage with those parts of life more fully.

This time may include meditating to listen deeply to my emotions, practicing music, having meaningful conversations, acts of kindness, or anything else that feels like an exploration of what I care about. It’s not a head-based exploration, so I won’t map it out in advance. I’ll simply carve out the time and ask my heart what it wants to explore and experience each day for a couple of hours, and I’ll flow into action with whatever comes up.

I sense that if I want to express more caring outwardly, I need to get more in touch with it inwardly. So I want to build up my caring muscles and give them some extra exercise this month. Bring this part of life to the foreground, so it has more of a voice.

This feels aligned to me right now. While it may not look as edgy as yelling at people on social media or setting stuff on fire, it does feel edgy to me, and it feels like a good way to honor my social contract with reality. I know from experience that exploring the voice of caring isn’t a safe and predictable path. It’s a harder voice to listen to than many people realize.

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Misaligned Relationships, Rejection, Guilt, and Betrayal

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One of my readers recently asked: How do you stay connected to loved ones who aren’t on a journey of curiosity and growth?

I’ll frame this more generally by addressing these question too:

  • How do you maintain relationships with incompatible people who expect you to stay connected?
  • How do you manage shifting relationships while on a journey of growth?
  • How do you deal with feelings of guilt arising from letting go of incompatible people?

To answer the first question, my answer is pretty simple. I really don’t.

If they reach out to me, I’ll be civil with them, but I don’t see the point of investing in such relationships. I’ve tried to invest in such relationships in the past and concluded that this wasn’t going to work. The compatible isn’t there. The mutual support isn’t there. The flow of energy isn’t there. So why continue to invest?

Sometimes people don’t like what I’m into. Or they see my pursuits as threatening. Or they try to talk me out of new explorations. If it becomes clear that I don’t have their support for being who I am and living the life I want to live, it’s equally clear that I shouldn’t continue to invest in such connections.

That was disappointing at first. My initial response was to play it cool and be aloof, even though I still valued such relationships on some level. But that wasn’t sustainable. It leads to clinginess and neediness and a host of other problems as well. It’s harder to feel good emotionally and stay motivated and disciplined when you lower your social standards.

In the long run, I concluded that it was perfectly fine for me to want and need strong, compatible connections with other people. I just had to find the right people. I had to let go, let go, let go, of connections that were unfulfilling and dissatisfying.

There really are a lot of intelligent, heart-aligned, growth-oriented people in the world. But you may not see this abundance if you get clingy with mismatches.

The more I leaned away from misaligned connections and surrendered to the fact that they would never become what I really wanted them to be, the more I allowed myself to mourn the disappointment. I accepted the feeling of loss. I let hope die in those cases – because it was false hope.

I leaned into trusting my feelings and intuition, which told me that compatibility really matters.

In my 20s I had some limited experiences being around growth-oriented people, and it was refreshing. I felt like my spirit was being fed by a nurturing energy source that it sorely needed. Those were peak experiences, but I so wanted them to become everyday, normal experiences. At the time I didn’t even see how that was possible though.

Fast forward to today, and I connect with growth-oriented people every day as a normal part of life. I’m married to such a person too. But because I didn’t start with this, I can still relate to what it’s like to think of this as too good to be true.

Where are all the non-growth connections now? They’re pretty much dead because I haven’t invested in them for so long. I don’t feel any energy flowing through them. There are relatives that I haven’t seen, talked to, or emailed in many years, even decades, for instance. I let those connections fade.

I realize that in some cultures this would be seen as crazy, cruel, or anti-social, or a betrayal of family values. But I’m actually very pro-social. I like people. I just want to invest in relationships where the compatibility is high, the mutual support is strong, and the flow of energy feels intuitively right. The results are better for all involved.

Compassionate Rejection

When I think about incompatible relationships that I let go of over the years, I don’t feel much resentment or disappointment. I tend to feel more gratitude towards them than anything else. I see those relationships as valuable learning experiences. They helped me better understand what matters to me in life. They helped me clarify my values. They helped me define my social boundaries. So I find it difficult to feel much negativity towards them. I mostly feel appreciation when I think about them, if I feel anything at all.

I think that’s because I really like my life today. I like the people in my life. They’re interesting, creative, weird, fun, and deep.

I think many of us are a little too resistant to rejection. Sometimes rejections are done more harshly than necessary, but the general practice remains important. To reject means to dismiss or refuse. It means to say no. Some rejection is necessary to sculpt our characters. We must say no to the misaligned, so we can invite and embrace what does feel aligned. Otherwise we become blurry, ill-defined blobs instead of self-realized human beings.

I sometimes think of my social life as a journey. This involves movement and travel. I see relationships as fluid and flexible. They come and go. Some people move further away while others move closer. Some relationships will be short-lived. Others will endure longer.

In the long run, everyone grows. Some grow more consciously and deliberately, while others grow reactively in response to changing events and circumstances. The coronavirus situation is a growth experience for all of us. Some have woven this change into their journeys consciously. Others are mostly reacting to what arises. But we will all grow from this one way or another.

I have friends that are not super growth-oriented, definitely more reactive than proactive, and we get along okay most of the time. But I don’t usually invest much in such relationships. I prefer connecting with people who are on conscious journeys. It’s fine if they’re not clear about where they’re heading, as long as they embrace the overall idea of investing in learning and growth.

But the stubborn stick-in-the-mud types who have fixed mindsets? Where are they in my life today? Most days they just aren’t part of my reality. I have to stretch to even identify them. I don’t see them in person. I don’t see them on Zoom calls. I don’t see them in my email inbox. At best I might overhear a conversation out in public that strikes me as very limiting or ignorant, but then it fades away as I move past it.

I think I don’t attract such people into my life because I don’t invest energy in thinking about them most of the time. And if I do think about them, I mostly feel that gentle flow of appreciation, but it’s really just a trickle of energy. I don’t have spikey feelings in this area most of the time.

Social Norms

I also feel that investing in incompatible relationships is irrational. I don’t see the logic in pouring my energy into a connection that isn’t working, even if the other person wants to and even if social norms tell me I’m supposed to. My life has gotten better by rejecting social norms that didn’t work for me, so I tend not to give them much weight. The social norms I grew up with were full of irrational baggage that I discarded, like going to church every Sunday. Some social norms can have positive effects, such as by making communication easier and fostering good teamwork, but you always have to be cautious of them when it comes to expectations that push against rationality.

Being loyal to social mismatches is just more baggage to release. It doesn’t matter if they’re relatives or long-term friends. A mismatch is a mismatch.

I don’t think I could have a good life by elevating loyalty to social norms above my own mind, heart, and intuition. I trust my own thinking, my own feelings, and my own path with a heart way more than what society tells me or what relatives expect of me. My relatives can live their lives how they see fit, but I won’t invest in relationships that don’t feel aligned to me.

Guilt

When people conclude that I’m incompatible with them and want to move away from me, I let them go. I prefer not to chase after them and get whiny about it. I trust them to make their own decisions, and if they aren’t feeling the connection, who am I to question them about that?

Since I hold myself to this standard, I don’t feel guilty if someone else reacts negatively to my moving on. They can process those feelings how they see fit. I may feel some compassion for how their frames may be making a transition difficult for them, but I’m not going to wallow in their self-pity if they go that route. Otherwise I’d open myself up to emotional manipulation.

Other people don’t get to use their feelings to manipulate me. I will let them wallow in the pit of despair for as long as they want, but I won’t join them there.

I frame this as an issue of maintaining rational social investment standards, maintaining rational boundaries, and trusting my mind, heart, and intuition. I don’t give power to social norms. I don’t give power to other people’s reactions. And I don’t succumb to guilt because I’m doing what I feel is best.

I could feel guilty if I felt I violated my standards, especially in a way that caused someone harm. I can’t feel guilty for violating someone else’s standards – especially standards that I disagree with.

So if someone else holds that standard that I must behave in a way that feels misaligned to me in order for them to feel okay, that’s on them. They can expect that I will violate their standards to follow my path with a heart.

This happens, even with people I don’t know well. When I got into exploring open relationships, about 11 years ago, some of my blog readers felt betrayed. Some felt betrayed when Erin and I broke up. This year some felt betrayed when I shared my feelings about Trump. Some even felt betrayed when I stopped having Google Adsense ads on my site in 2008, calling me crazy for abandoning the business model they sought to emulate.

Do you think I felt guilty about any of this? Of course not. That’s because I was exploring and expressing what feels aligned to me. I could feel guilty if I violate my own standards, especially if I cause harm to someone else by doing so. But I can’t feel guilty if I honor my standards, even if someone else feels that I violated their expectations.

Betrayal

Now watch this: After trying out Instagram for a while, I’ve mostly stopped using it because I find it boring, stupid, and pointless. It’s just a dreadful match for me. Let’s see which avid IGers feel betrayed now…

For those who love Instagram, I’m happy for them. They should be free to post all the cat pics and yoga poses they want, with a proper handstand pic being the ultimate lifetime achievement. I love writing though, and IG is pure shit for that. It’s not a good platform for me at all. Does anyone really need to feel betrayed by my making a choice that’s right for me? Of course not, but some will anyway.

People are going to feel betrayed repeatedly if you live consciously and make your own choices. They’ll expect things of you that are unreasonable and irrational. They’ll have emotional reactions based on your decisions. I suggest that you let them. It’s not a problem per se unless you make it a problem. Just accept it as a normal part of life.

Do NOT under any circumstances let someone dig their emotional hooks into you and manipulate you emotionally. That will hold you back tremendously. In fact, this is one of the most problematic issues that many of my readers struggle with. They fall into the trap of turning against their own inner guidance and let someone else control them through emotional manipulation. Beware this trap – it’s nasty. It can suck years of your life away if you’re not careful.

Let people process their reactive feelings, even if they make a big, wild stink about how difficult it will be for them. Don’t frame their reactive feelings as your doing some kind of harm to them. Their own irrational frames and expectations are causing these reactions. Give them the gift of allowing them to process their reactions. With luck it will lead to their upgrading their frames and accepting your freedom to make aligned choices for you.

Self-Harm Threats

What if someone really goes over the top with their emotional manipulation, such as by threatening to hurt or kill themselves because you don’t play by their rules? If someone did that to me, I’d probably get really pissed at them. I might cuss them out for even suggesting that. I wouldn’t change my course though. If they hurt or kill themselves, that’s on them. I still don’t see myself feeling guilty about it, although I’d probably be very disappointed in their irrational behavior if they went that far. But in the end, I would let them go.

This has actually happen to me personally, and it has happened to people I know. Someone I knew once threatened to kill himself because I took a course of action he strongly disagreed with and which negatively affected him. He owned a gun, so I took it seriously. This was years before I started blogging by the way. I didn’t back down though. I felt disgusted by the very notion that someone would do that, but I saw it as his choice. I knew I was making the right decision, and that is how it turned out in the end. He recovered, and I think it was better for him all around too. The relationship wasn’t working for either of us, and we had to move on from it. The fact that he threatened suicide actually just made me more certain that moving on was the right choice.

If this sort of thing were to happen again today, I’d frame it as a test from reality. I’d frame it as a character sculpting challenge too. I’d take the threat seriously, even if I didn’t believe that the person would go through with it. But I would still refuse to be emotionally manipulated, even if it meant someone else reactively taking their own life.

My ex-wife Erin had to endure an even more serious test when her abusive boyfriend not only threatened to kill her but also her whole family if she ever left him. And she still ended up leaving. Many years later that guy shot himself dead with a shotgun in a standoff with police, who were actually just coming to his house to do a suicide check because he made an offhand comment about potentially harming himself to a coworker, who called it in.

You can frame such situations however you see fit, and depending on the severity of the threat, I wouldn’t fault you for backing down if the stakes seem too big to handle. But most situations that my readers deal with are a lot milder, and they blow them up into big hurdles. So if you’re dealing with less than a mass murder threat, perhaps take a hard look at how you’re handling this situation. Are you behaving rationally? Are you really listening to yourself? What will it do to your character to let someone else emotionally manipulate you for years and years?

Guilt also heals. Even if you do feel guilty, you’ll probably get past it eventually. How long do you think the guilt will really last? How long will the emotional manipulation last if you don’t move on?

If you betray someone’s expectations of you, you can let them have their reaction and not feel guilty about it. This may take some practice and some rational framing upgrades, but you can do it.

But don’t betray your own inner guidance. Don’t betray your own rational intelligence. Don’t betray your path with a heart. If you aren’t feeling guilty about self-betrayal, maybe you should listen to your feelings more closely.

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Managing Your Echo Chamber

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Is it a good idea to suffer fools?

Perhaps you think of it as tolerance, mercy, or compassion. But is it really?

When you hold a low opinion of someone, is it better to keep them in your life and do your best to be tolerant and forgiving? Or should you simply dismiss such people from your life and move on?

Perhaps you’re concerned that you’re life will become too much like an echo chamber, filled only with people who share similar opinions and lacking in diversity.

Over the years I’ve tested different approaches to this, and presently I find that it’s best not to suffer fools. Once my opinion of someone drops below a certain threshold (which can be admittedly arbitrary, although Trump supporters qualify en masse), I find it most productive to disengage when possible.

I note that such a relationship will virtually never recover once it passes a certain point of no return. While I can think of the person compassionately from a distance, up close I’m most likely to feel some disgust or annoyance. So it doesn’t seem rational to cling to such a relationship, which can be unnecessarily distracting.

Letting go frees up trapped energy, which can be put to better use elsewhere. When I surrender a misaligned connection back to the simulation, and I let it dissolve, I usually feel a sense of relief and peace – and optimism about what new energies can flow in to replace the old.

Does this create an echo chamber effect? Absolutely, and I submit that this is a good outcome. When you dismiss the irritating and irrational from your life, your echo chamber can become richer in rational, sensible, and intelligent people.

Would you rather experience rational echos or irrational ones? Would you rather fill your life with thoughtful echos or ignorant ones? Would you rather be influenced by purposeful echos or distracting ones?

Consider that you’re always inside some kind of echo chamber. Your social world is just a tiny fragment of the larger world of possibility. Some echo chambers are more harmonious and interesting while others can be frustrating or distracting.

Have you ever thought about consciously creating a more desirable echo chamber than the one you’re experiencing now?

I don’t want my echo chamber to constrict me, but I do want it to stretch, challenge, and support me. I want it to be rational and purposeful. I want it to be well-aligned with my core values. I want it to be rich in honest and honorable people who care and who seek to contribute. I want it to be full of curious, growth-oriented learners who trust life.

I don’t want my echo chamber to be invaded by angry, irrational, suspicious, or violent people. I don’t want it to be occupied by the clueless and confused. I don’t want religious zealots or conspiracy theorists moving in. And Trump supporters? I’d rather give myself a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it.

A good echo chamber creates harmonious yet growth-inducing echos. It reflects back your desires and aspirations. It challenges you to stretch and grow. And it allows sufficient room for diversity and options.

A good echo chamber helps you advance.

A bad echo chamber keeps you stuck, wallowing in misalignments that don’t help you progress.

You’re always in an echo chamber, so take charge of it. Purge it of obvious misalignments first. Then deliberately invite what you want. Close some doors. Open others.

Market and promote the open doors. Post guards at the closed ones.

A poorly managed echo chamber will continue to be infiltrated by further misalignments. Chaos will invite more chaos. But a well-managed echo chamber can continue to attract aligned people while repelling the misaligned.

There are many creative types inside my echo chamber, including writers, artists, musicians, designers, programmers, course creators, filmmakers, performers, entrepreneurs, etc. There are many fellow vegans within, although it’s not exclusive to vegans. My echo chamber is also LGBTQ-friendly and open relationship friendly, so such people are welcome inside.

I love my echo chamber because it’s empowering and encouraging. It does a good job of echoing growth challenges, inspired ideas, and stimulating invitations. I feel happy and fulfilled within it. It’s a chamber rich in action and activity. And it’s far from static, always shifting and changing.

Now and then something grody sneaks in through the doors of social media (which can be more porous than I’d like), but that’s manageable as long as I promptly disinfect.

As long as I keep the echo chamber relatively clean, it works wonderful. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just harmonious enough to play beautiful music.

Yesterday I did an interview for a friend’s podcast, and we talked for more than four hours, which has to be the longest interview I’ve ever done. We covered many fascinating subjects from character sculpting to polyphasic sleep to open relationships. I also love and appreciate that he was supportive of my intention to write a novel this year – he’s written three – and he shared some insights into what it was like to create fiction. My life is rich in this kind of mutual support, and I think it’s largely because the echo chamber is aligned with this flow of support.

Raise the standards for your echo chamber. Drop the disharmonious and misaligned, so you can invite more of the aligned. Then instead of fussing over the misaligned, you get to deal with the benefits – and the challenges – of aligned support.

I think one reason people wallow in grody echo chambers is that it’s easier in a way. Harmonious echo chambers aren’t just peace and oneness. They’ll challenge you to grow in ways that a misaligned echo chamber never will. Life doesn’t really get easier when you have abundant support. It gets harder. It’s like training with heavier weights. Sometimes it feels easier though because you’ve grown stronger and can handle more responsibility.

Is it mean or harsh to dismiss those who irritate or annoy you? I can understand that mindset and used to feel that way myself. But I actually see this as doing a service to others.

If someone wants to explore conspiracy theories or some outdated religion or engage in behaviors I consider foolish, why stop them? They’re welcome to explore that. They’ll be better served by engaging in such explorations with an aligned echo chamber that fully supports them. I don’t belong in such echo chambers, so it makes sense to excuse myself.

If you’re dismissing someone from your reality, you’re really purifying their echo chamber of the impurity that is you. If you stick with them, you’re being obnoxiously clingy, even if they purportedly want you to stay. Give them a clean break to explore what they need to explore without your serving as social drag for them.

When I went down certain paths, others walled off their own echo chambers from me, so I wouldn’t be a “bad influence.” Good for them I say. I think it’s good for them to have a purer experience if that’s what they want. If and when they’re ready to move on to something different, they can open up again and start inviting fresh influences. But there’s a lot of value in pure experiences without social drag slowing you down.

What happens when you broadcast your goals within your echo chamber? Do you get echos of support or some other kinds of echos? If you’re not getting echos of support, I’d say you’re mismanaging your echo chamber, and you need to disinfect it.

When I shared recently that I wanted to write a novel, I received only support for the idea. No one suggested that I shouldn’t do it. Some people shared ideas for themes or topics. Some said they looked forward to reading it. This goal feels aligned to me, and my echo chamber reflects that. This helps me go faster. It makes it easier to actually write the book.

But if I shared a goal that was really misaligned for me, my echo chamber would catch and reflect that misalignment. People would indeed try to talk me out of it. That’s good too. You don’t want an echo chamber filled with unconditional yeses.

Managing your echo chamber is a lifelong endeavor. You can be sloppy with it, but you’ll pay a price for doing so. Rational management of your echo chamber provides many benefits, including faster progress towards your goals and desired experiences in life.

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Strengthening Your Future Self

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I often think about how to create a better life for my future self. What can I do now that will make his life better?

Everything I do today affects my future self in some way. I can make decisions that will cause him stress, or I can make decisions and take action that will make his life better.

For the first four months of this year, I worked very hard, and I expected to do this going into the year because I wanted the results. Working extra hard for those first four months laid the foundation for a strong year, including the creation of a new character sculpting course, the annual opening of Conscious Growth Club, two six-figure launches, daily blogging, and many smaller projects. Work-wise it’s been an incredible year so far.

In a way this was my past self’s gift to my present self. I accepted back in December that if I put in a lot of work during the first four months of 2020, it would be a challenge, but I also saw that it would be a nice gift to my future self. I figured that sometime in May, I’d be able to work at a more modest pace if I wanted to, and I’d have some really nice results to appreciate from those first four months of 2020. I’d also have more space for interesting personal projects and travel afterwards.

It’s the opposite of procrastination. Work harder than usual to achieve some goals that your future self will surely appreciate. Caring about your future self is good motivation for putting in some extra hours. Feeling that connection across time really helps.

When you procrastinate, you do the opposite. You slack off and thereby sentence your future self to play catch up, which could include extra stress. You’re basically being a jerk to your future self. This is hard to do when you tune in to the energy of your future self and consider the impact. It’s easier to be cruel to your future self when you sever the connection.

Consider that you have a relationship with your future selves and your past selves. Consider how your decisions and actions affect those relationships. What will it do to you as a person if you strengthen those relationships by making good decisions and taking aligned actions? What effect will it have if you ignore those relationships or pretend they don’t exist?

When I reflect back on all the effort and experimentation that my past self invested in personal growth, I feel grateful. His decisions gifted me with some fabulous knowledge and skills that I very much appreciate. I feel blessed and lucky to live the life I get to live, but I also know how many times that could have been derailed if I’d made different past decisions.

I feel delighted that my past self worked extra hard this year to put me in a better position today. I appreciate him for doing that. His choice was beneficial for our relationship. He made some modest sacrifices to send me this gift, and I send him lots of appreciation back in time. And I know that he knew that I’d appreciate this gift.

What if the energy you transmit through time actually gets picked up by your other selves somehow? What kind of energy do you send to your past selves? What kind of energy do you imagine your future selves might be sending back to you today? What could you do differently today to make these transmissions feel more aligned and empowering?

Are these energy transmission across time really happening? Who knows? But I find that this is an empowering model to lean into. Considering how my decisions and actions could impact these transmissions (whether imaginary or real) helps me make better decisions today.

Lately I’ve been amping up my exercise routine too, and I feel that it’s creating a better relationship with my other selves across time. I love the energy boost, and feeling more flexible in my body is nice too. Now I’m thinking about pushing myself even more next week to gift my future self with even more energy and flexibility. I know that he’ll appreciate it, and I sense that he already does appreciate it, like I can perceive his gratitude flowing back through time.

What kind of gift do you think your future self would most appreciate?

I think it’s limiting to think about making my future self’s life easier. I don’t necessarily wish for him to have an easier life. When my past self tried to give me an easier life, I didn’t appreciate as much as he thought I would. Some ease is nice, but I wouldn’t want to stay there.

What I do appreciate is when my past self makes me stronger. I like when he trains up and gains new knowledge and skills. I like when he creates interesting memories. What I want from my past self isn’t an easier life – I don’t need that because I like challenges. Instead I want my past self to put me in a position of being able to access more, better, and different types of challenges. I want him to help me gain access to new growth experiences that currently seem out of reach.

How’s your relationship with your past self? Your future self? Do you send appreciation to your past self? Or scorn, regret, or disappointment instead? Are you kind and loving towards your past self?

How’s your relationship with your future self? Do you care enough to make your future self stronger? Do you tune into the flow of appreciation from your future self? Do you commit that when you do something nice for your future self, you will remember to pause and send some genuine appreciation back through time?

How could you improve these relationships? What would it do for you to feel an empowering sense of connection to your other selves across time?

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Being Too Quiet

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When I was younger, I was conditioned to yield to authority. Go to school. Go to church. Obey the parents.

One of the most common commands was: Be quiet. Hush. Pipe down. Silence is a virtue. Children should be seen and not heard.

So I learned to stay quiet – about problems, about desires, about feelings. I developed a rich inner world, but supposedly it wasn’t meant to be shared. My thoughts were to be kept mostly to myself.

On the positive side, that made me more self-reliant. But it also ensured that I didn’t get to experience what I wanted, as the wants and the communication both got suppressed under a blanket of silence.

It took a long time to learn that it was okay to communicate about needs, desires, and feelings. As I got older, I found people encouraging me to open up and share more, such as friends in college. That was difficult to do though. I wasn’t used to it. When people wanted to know more about me, it felt like they were shining a burning spotlight into my soul. I couldn’t go there, so I shared various masks instead. I kept people at a safe distance.

But this left me stuck inside my own thought bubble with no way to break free from it. Because I couldn’t talk about what I felt, needed, and wanted, no one could help me make improvements. Even if people offered support, it was misguided because they didn’t really know what I wanted. They had to guess, and their guesses were wrong.

As I began making a long-term investment in personal development, I read lots of books and listened to many audio programs. I liked it when other people share their stories, goals, ambitions, mistakes, and feelings. Every now and then, I’d come across something that struck me as really honest and authentic. And I silently thought to myself, I could never do that.

What probably helped me shift the most was meeting people who were unconditionally accepting of other people’s wants, needs, and feelings. Around such people I felt like I could open up a little more. I sensed that I could trust them, even though I wasn’t sure why. I just naturally found myself sharing more honestly with them. It would feel off if I wore my masks around them too often. I was surprised when they didn’t judge me for my candor. They actually seemed to like and appreciate hearing the real truth and going deeper than the surface masks. It took a while for me to warm up to that since it was outside of my comfort zone.

There was a long progression with many steps forward and backward, like an awkward dance, but eventually I felt more comfortable sharing more of my inner world with people. I could talk about desires, problems, and feelings openly. I didn’t always feel drawn to do that, but I didn’t feel particularly blocked in doing so either.

And that’s mainly because I got to see the positive shifts in others when I did so. I made more authentic friends this way. But I was also able to experience more of what I wanted.

By saying, “I want to kiss you” instead of keeping silent, I kissed more.

By saying, “I have this frustrating tech problem,” I solved more tech problems.

By saying, “I feel so blah today,” I understood and shifted my feelings more easily, and my default state gradually became happier.

Initially my timing was off though. I was too hesitant to open up when the timing was right because the intensity was too great. But by waiting for the intensity to come down, I was late in expressing myself. I realized how lame I was being when I kept missing opportunities because of that tendency to hesitate.

For a while I got results like these:

Me: I kinda wanted to kiss you last night.

Her: I wish you’d said something. I would have gladly kissed you back.

Me: D’oh!

Me: Last month I had this frustrating tech problem that was a real mess, but I finally got it figured out.

Her: Oh… why didn’t you tell me about that when we last spoke? I had the same problem before, and I could have shown you how to fix it in two seconds.

Me: D’oh!

Me: I was feeling so blah yesterday.

Her: I could tell. I was thinking of offering you a nice head scratching, but it looked like you wanted some space.

Me: D’oh!

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Sharing late is at least better than not sharing. When you see how many opportunities you’re missing due to silence, it’s good motivation to be more courageous and speak up sooner.

Silence can be a virtue, but keeping quiet can be really problematic if you overdo it. How can you tell the difference?

Is the silence peaceful? Does it feel good to remain silent? If so, then enjoy the silience.

Is the silence stress-inducing? Are your thoughts and feelings churning over unresolved issues? If so, then speak up. Get that energy flowing outwardly. Don’t just keep it bottled up inside.

Also be careful not to merely vent sideways. Venting sideways would be doing the equivalent of this:

Me: I wanted to kiss her last night, but I couldn’t bring myself to go there.

Him: I saw the two of you together, and I’m pretty sure she would have liked it if you did.

Me: D’oh!

This is telling the wrong person. When you do this sort of thing, you’re channeling the energy sideways, which isn’t in the direction of resolution. It’s a sneakier form of staying silent. You may think you’re speaking up, but are you?

Sharing needs, desires, and feelings isn’t easy, especially if you were raised to keep quiet about them. It will feel edgy to lean towards opening up, and it will feel uncomfortable to trust that it’s okay to do this. You’ll catch yourself sharing masks repeatedly. And that’s okay. It’s a growth process. It takes time to peel the onion of silence, to find the true voice within, and to overcome expressive scarcity.

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Are People Slowing You Down?

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When I was in college, I listened to an audio program that mentioned businessman and author Harvey Mackay. The program cited him as an example of someone who was very coachable because he’d often hire a coach for those areas of life where he wanted to improve. For instance, he hired a running coach to help him get better at running.

This got me thinking about how coachable I was. I decided to try hiring a coach for 6 months while still in school, someone who was part of a coaching program offered by Denis Waitley. When this offer came to me via postal mail, I thought, “Why not?”

That was a new and interesting experience for me. We had weekly 30-minute calls, which were very conversational. Usually the coach, whose name was John, would ask me for an update on my situation, and then he’d make some suggestions for what I could do to improve.

I also had to take a personality profile test as part of this program, and the results were shared with the coach and me. My results were fairly unbalanced according to the report, but I thought it was reasonably accurate.

This was during the time when I was going through college in three semesters by taking a significantly higher course load. My focus at the time was on productivity. I wanted to get better and better at that. My goals were mainly academic in nature.

My coach, however, often didn’t seem to care much about helping me in that area, perhaps because by most people’s standards, I was already highly productive. He wanted to bring more balance to my life, so his advice was often social in nature. He advised me to reach out and connect more with other people, and he gave me some tips on how to lean into that gradually.

I had a small group of friends, and I thought my social life was okay for the time I had to devote to it. I was in a bit of a bubble socially though, and I didn’t feel much desire to expand in that area. My friendships weren’t particularly deep, but I actually felt okay about that.

The coach spotted an imbalance, and in a way he was right, but I wasn’t in a position to be coached in that particular area. I did work on that area of life tremendously after I graduated, but while I was immersed in the educational funnel, working on the coach’s goal for me wasn’t a good fit. I wanted to work on my own goals that were front and center.

After six months I decided not to continue with that coach. I found that his advice in some areas was okay, but his timing was wrong for me. I think he wanted to help me create a significant breakthrough in my social life and relationships, but I wasn’t in a position to make that a reality.

The bigger issue for me, however, was his attitude towards productivity. I wanted to push myself further in developing outstanding productivity practices and habits, so I could complete my schoolwork faster and take on even more. I wanted his help in raising my standards even more. On some level I knew that my life was unbalanced, but I was actually okay with that. I was getting so much juice from pursuing goals that mattered to me.

When I released the coach, I actually went faster. I don’t think this was due to saving 30 minutes a week from not doing the coaching calls anymore. I think it was from unshackling myself from the coach’s expectations, which were lower than the demands I placed on myself. The coach anchored me to attitudes that didn’t serve me.

My final semester at college was my most productive ever. I even did the equivalent of a full-time contract work position programming computer games while taking 37 units at school (the usual is about 15 units). I’d sketch out game algorithms during slow classes. I found many more ways to be productive without burning out.

I realized that when I pushed myself to excel, other people could create social drag for me. I also recall that this was one reason that I was fairly guarded in my social life back then. I liked having a few friends to hang out with and to enjoy poker nights with. I was also active in the school’s computer club and eventually served as Vice Chair of that club. But I was hesitant to make too many friends, partly because I didn’t want to be infected by their attitudes.

Well-meaning people can slow us down if they hold us to lower standards than we wish to hold ourselves. They’ll often try to rope us back into the fold. I see this as a test from reality: Are you ready to stand up for your desires? Are you ready to develop and maintain your own standards, regardless of what other people think?

Don’t let other people’s limits infect you. If you want to go further and faster, you can do so. Expect social resistance to rise up now and then. Just poke it with a pin, and you’ll find that it deflates pretty easily.

What I found is that if I keep leaning towards my desires, even when it seems like no one else wants to go there, it does eventually attract people who align with having similar experiences. Again, it’s helpful to see this as a test from reality. If you don’t stand up for your standards, then you don’t have standards. You have sitards. 😉

Surely there are some areas of life where the standards of the people around you seem to be significantly lower than yours. A major challenge of living consciously is to continue acting in alignment with your own standards. Do your best to avoid the tendency to sink back down into the social trough – you won’t be happy if you let yourself slide.

Take a moment to remind yourself of your true personal standards. What habits and practices feel aligned to you, even though someone else might consider those standards too extreme? Are you happiest when you maintain your standards… or when you slip back down to lower standards that others can accept more easily?

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