Category Archives: Relationships

Sensitivity to Lying

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Some people have a high tolerance for lying and falsehood. They can hang out around others who frequently share false information, deliberately or from ignorance, and it doesn’t seem to bother them. Either they don’t notice the falsehoods, or they aren’t much affected when they do notice.

I’m not one of those people. I used to be though. When I was younger I could hang around people who spewed nonsense left and right and be okay with it. That’s basically how I grew up, being taught lots of false religious ideas about how the world worked, only later to realize it was a pack of lies.

But just growing up in that kind of bubble didn’t make me sensitive to lying. If anything I think it made me less sensitive. Somewhere along the way, I developed numbness to lying. I could be in the presence of lying and falsehood, and it didn’t affect me much at all emotionally.

Going vegan, experimenting with raw foods, and doing lots of health-related detox significantly raised the sensitivity levels over time. I’ve written before about the many internal changes that going vegan caused, especially with respect to the heart-brain connection. Many senses and impressions became more sensitive as I made efforts to clean up my body.

I think fasting helped a little too – I’ve done a 17-day and a 40-day water fast – but that was late in the game for me. Fasting probably would have had a bigger impact if I’d done it much earlier, like during my 20s instead of my 40s.

Sensitivity Advantages

There are some nice advantages to this heightened sensitivity. I never get writer’s block because I’m sensitive enough to always tune into an abundant flow of ideas. I’ve published something new to my blog every day this year, and it’s not even difficult. The ideas mostly share themselves, and I take dictation.

I’m also super happy in my relationship with Rachelle. I adore and appreciate her so much. Each day we spend together is just delightful. I can’t help but smile when I see her. It’s wonderful being extra sensitive to feelings of love and gratitude and getting to feel those at full volume. It makes it so much easier to enjoy a beautiful relationship, especially with another sensitive person. Because we’re so sensitive to our feelings and each other, we’re really good at caring for each other.

So I wouldn’t trade this sensitivity for the world. It has added so much beauty to my life. I don’t think it’s the sort of thing you appreciate till you experience it though.

These benefits make me watch my diet and health habits and not let myself stray too far. If I eat a lot of heavier foods for a while – which for me is too many grains and beans (and foods derived from them like tofu) and not enough fruits and veggies – I can feel the sensitivity declining. But at least I know how to get back on track.

Eating more raw foods always brings the sensitivity back up again. Yesterday I had two large green smoothies and some other raw foods. This included bananas, cherries, blueberries, clementines, spinach, kale, mixed greens, celery, and cucumber. I can feel the difference this morning. I feel happier than usual. Writing feels even easier than it normally does. The simpler and cleaner my diet is, even on a day to day basis, the less friction I experience mentally and emotionally.

Sensitivity to Lying

Here’s a potential downside though. I’ve become a lot more sensitive to lying, falsehood, and deceit than I was 30 years ago. Watching, listening to, or reading lies and false statements causes a palpable reaction in my body. I’m not in control of that reaction when it happens, except that I can prevent or disrupt it by sabotaging my body itself, like by eating lots of heavier foods.

Many people joked about drinking lots of alcohol during the election, which is an effective way to suppress emotions for those who are more sensitive. Of course if you overdo it, you may just be swapping some negative reactions for others.

I have a strong negative internal reaction every time I watch Donald Trump speak. The reason is simple. He lies constantly.

I don’t exactly know why my body reacts the way it does, but it does react. I feel emotionally disgusted. Sometimes I feel a bit nauseous. It’s like I just had a spell cast on me that’s about to make me vomit up some slugs.

My body reacts similarly in the presence of Trump supporters when they talk about him. Whether intentional or not, they always resort to sharing lies and falsehoods to justify their support. There’s just such a huge abandonment of truth in that space.

I like being around people who speak the truth, and Trump and his supporters just don’t. At least I’ve never encountered one who does. Trumpism and falsehood always seem to go hand in hand, along with insensitivity to lying.

Interestingly I didn’t have this reaction to seeing Trump speak before he got into politics. Erin and I would sometimes watch The Apprentice when we were together, and while Trump was often a bit of a jerk on that show, it just seemed like ego-based entertainment and posturing. It’s different when the lying is sociopathic and directly harmful.

Trusting Your Inner Senses

At first I did my best to tolerate these feelings. And then I questioned why I should keep doing that. Is that really a wise approach? The feelings weren’t going down. They grew stronger and louder as the consequences of such lying grew even stronger, like lots of people dying unnecessarily.

In addition to being sensitive to my own feelings and senses, I also feel sensitive to other people’s feelings, and those have been especially loud this year. I could feel a lot of stress in the air.

The majority of people that I connect with regularly are also disgusted by Trump and his rampant lying, especially friends who live outside the USA. There are a lot of other sensitive people out there too, and I think many of them are good at broadcasting their feelings without always realizing it.

I opted to start trusting my body more. Otherwise I’m too tempted to disrupt my health to tone down those inner signals, and I don’t like doing that. I trust that this sensitivity exists for a good reason, especially since it produces so many other benefits that I don’t want to sabotage.

When I say that Trump supporters make me nauseous, I’m being literal about that. I recognize that it may sound like an exaggeration to someone who isn’t familiar with this kind of sensitivity due to lack of personal experience. I think many vegans and raw foodists will likely have an easier time recognizing that I’m speaking the truth here if they’ve experienced similar changes in sensitivity from dietary improvements. This effect is described in detail in some books too, such as Raw Emotions by Angela Stokes.

If you know that eating heavier foods and drinking alcohol can dull your senses and emotions, is it such a stretch to consider that eating cleaner can swing you the opposite way? How would you feel after drinking six shots of liquor? Now imagine how you could feel if you could somehow remove six shots worth of disruption from your body, starting from what you think is sober and normal. So many other aspects of life become easier, but then you have to live in a world where a lot more people seem like they’re drunk – mentally foggy, confused about their lives and purpose, and emotionally numb. It’s always tempting to want to return to the fold, but you can’t unsee what you’ve seen.

When you’re very in tune with your emotions and your inner senses, it’s hard to act against them – sometimes a LOT harder. The question then becomes: How much are you willing to trust these signals?

Trusting the Sensitivity

I do feel it was the right choice to honor those feelings, which led me to do some extra social purging during the past few years. That felt better than the alternative of engaging with bullshit again and again.

Last week I joked that I had to pay extra to upgrade my Facebook block list to 2TB. While I can look back and appreciate some of those connections for what they were, I also honor my body’s signal when it’s time to move on.

I don’t regret it. It was the right choice for me.

What I didn’t realize was that I can’t fully honor these sensitive signals while also trying to numb myself to them in some areas. If I put loyalty to friends first, I always lose something of much greater value. I have to honor the truth first and let my social circle align with that. And plenty of people do. I’ve grown closer this year to some good friends who are very sensitive too, and there’s so much more depth and beauty in relationships with sensitive people than with relatively insensitive ones.

So this has never been about politics for me. Nor is it about character either. It’s actually about trust – trusting the sensitivity that can be challenging to hear but keeps bestowing surprising gifts.

Moving on is a big part of personal growth, and it’s often difficult. I notice that when I do this intelligently, it’s a move into greater trust – trust in myself, trust in reality, or trust in the universe.

This kind of trust is hard. It’s so easy to doubt yourself. It’s easy to doubt your inner signals. It’s easy to want to numb yourself. It’s hard to let yourself sense what you’re sensing, feel what you’re feeling, and let that guide you.

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Does the USA Need to Heal Now?

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In my extended social circle, some people are calling for unity and healing now that Joe Biden will be the next President. Others aren’t so sure that healing is really what’s needed.

The offer basically sounds like this:

It’s time to repair the wounded relationships between the people who supported a lying, racist sociopath path for President and those who wanted to replace him.

That’s a crappy offer. It doesn’t land well. The most airy-fairy people I know seem to be swallowing it and trying to invite people into some awkward reconciliation phase, but most seem to be declining this offer and searching for a better one, at least for now.

There’s some stress and sadness too because people aren’t sure if there is a better offer on the table right now.

The problem with this offer is that this election wasn’t really about the usual politics where otherwise good people may have different views about certain subjects. This election went into much darker territory.

Even though Biden won, which caused great relief, lots of people around the world (and in the USA too) were still shocked and dismayed to see that more than 70 million Americans cast their ballots for Trump – voting against racial justice, against global cooperation, against the environment, against human decency, against science, against health, and against so much more that people care about. How can they not see this as being so, so backwards in this day and age?

And it is truly backwards. My international friends are right in their assessment.

While some blame the media, Trump has been one of the most communicative Presidents ever. Anyone can watch his speeches or read his tweets. Even when there’s a Twitter warning label attached, you still get to see the original messages. There’s an over-abundance of primary source material for all the world to see. Fox News may add fuel the fire, but there’s more than enough coming from the White House itself, direct and unfiltered.

More people voted from Trump in this election than voted for Obama each times Obama won. Fortunately a lot more people voted overall, which pushed Biden into record territory, gaining more than 75 million votes.

So what do people of good conscience do about this?

Some people are starting with a bit of celebrating. People have been dancing and cheering in the streets in some cities. But it’s a bit of a black celebration. Even if you do celebrate, what comes next?

Do we now offer hugs and handshakes and say, “Oh well, your guy lost the election… better luck next time”?

Are we suppose to pretend that people who voted for Trump are just good people who slightly lost their way or just voted for their party or for financial reasons? And now that he’s on his way out, they should be fine in a month or two?

I think a lot of people realize that there’s no going back. The cat is out of the bag. Too many Americans scared the hell out of the world, first by voting for Trump in 2016 and then again this year. Now the world and the rest of the country want answers – why did this happen, and what will be done to prevent this from happening again?

Patching things up with delusional friends and family members isn’t going to cut it. That would only be a temporary bandage, and too many people would still be left with a feeling of lingering dread that we could be right back here again in 2024.

There are complex issues to be unwound and resolved regarding causes and solutions. I’m not going to get into that now, but at this point I will say that I think a first good step is to decline the healing offer. It’s a phony offer, tantamount to sweeping these issues under the rug. We can’t do that. This was a wake-up call, so stay woke about it.

I for one won’t be reaching out to ex-friends who went nutter and became Trump supporters. This has nothing to do with politics. And it’s not really even about values or beliefs, however delusional those beliefs may be. It’s about their behaviors and the effects of their behaviors. I hold them accountable for their actions. To offer some form of healing is just foolish at this point.

Such people didn’t wound me. They just caused me to lower my assessments of them. They violated my boundaries for friendship, and so they got tossed out of my social circle. I’m not going to invite them back in if the boundary violations would remain unresolved.

This isn’t about holding a grudge, and it’s not about forgiveness. It’s about the importance of maintaining healthy boundaries and intelligent standards. I’m not going to reach out just to be re-exposed to such people’s misaligned behaviors and fanciful conspiracy theories. They’ve shown me how low they’re willing to go, and I accept that as their choice.

It’s not even really accurate to say that I don’t trust them. I do trust them to continue behaving as they’ve been behaving. I trust that they’ll continue promoting conspiracy theories, being okay with lying, promoting racist ideas, voting in support of racist policies, and taking irresponsible actions that will result in more infections and deaths. I trust that what they’ve shown me is likely to continue in some form, and I’d rather remain aware of this instead of pretending that it isn’t there.

I will not be an enabler for such people, so I won’t invest in relationships with them. There is nothing to heal because this isn’t a wound. It’s simply part of reality to be accepted.

Truth alignment is empowering. Start by looking at the USA and acknowledge that yes, a whole lot of Americans really have gone full-tilt nutter. Let that sink in. There’s no need to resist this realization.

Even though it may seem otherwise, my relationship with such people is still rooted in compassion. That’s because I was raised as a religious nutter myself. I can look at the Trump supporting nutters today and still recognize something of myself in them. I don’t feel like it’s impossible to understand them. But that doesn’t mean I’ll let them drag me into the nutter abyss with them, and it doesn’t mean I want to invest in listening to their daily nonsense; I’ve done enough of that to last a lifetime.

When I was a religious nutter (and a different kind of nutter a bit later, like a shoplifting nutter), it didn’t serve me when non-nutters swept my nuttiness under the rug and still tried to relate to me based on our commonalities. That just empowered me to remain in nutter land. They might have thought they were being tolerant, but they were just being short-sighted and foolish. They weren’t doing what was best for me.

What really helped was when I encountered people who stood firm in non-nutter land, and they made it clear where I was standing. Their certainty (which was really truth alignment) nudged me to start having doubts, which led to reconsideration of my beliefs, which led to a whole lot of growth and transformation. This in turn eventually led to helping more people escape nutter land, people who expressed gratitude for this afterwards.

Nutters don’t need hugs and handshakes to patch things up. They need constant and unwavering reminders that they’re standing in nutter land. They need truth, not denial and pretending.

Being a Trump supporter is stupid, plain as day. The reasons people use to justify such behavior are irrelevant. Voting for Trump is a stupid action, no matter the reason. We can assess its stupidity based on the results alone, which are measurably dreadful.

Being a Trump supporter was stupid four years ago. It was stupid a week ago. And it’s stupid today. If you are a Trump supporter, your behavior is stupid, no doubt about it. You don’t have to remain in nutter land though. There is an exit door. Walk through it when you’re ready.

I’m here to support, encourage, and serve the non-nutters of the world. The only service I offer to the nutters is to doggedly remind you that you’re still in nutter land, but you must choose to leave. That’s the gateway that shifts you from unconscious growth to conscious growth.

If you choose to stay in nutter land or if you pretend you’re not there when it’s pretty damned clear that you are, then I’ll just keep reminding you how dreadfully stupid you’re being. And if you don’t banish me from your life for good – if you keep that door open just a tad – then we both know you’re eventually going to leave nutter land and come play with the smart people. It’s only a matter of time.

Personally I don’t think nutter land should be abolished. I think it serves a worthwhile purpose. Its presence can be healthy for us, especially as a reminder. The presence of nutter land raises the stakes and helps us gain clarity about what we’d like to create and experience instead. If supporting Trump is ridiculously stupid, where is the ridiculously smart path? I think it’s good to be aware that nutter land is always nipping at our heals, challenging us to dream bigger and bolder and to not get complacent.

Nutter land woke me up too during the past four years. The sheer lunacy of that last four years got me feeling more engaged in the game of life. It got me to finally register to vote for the first time ever. And I must say that it was fun casting one of the votes that kept Nevada blue. I picked a good time to start voting. It really did feel like my vote mattered. I loved being part of the team that said to the nutters, “You shall not pass!”

They also helped me see the importance of being anti-racist (not a passive non-racist), including participating in a diversity committee in an organization I belong to, which is still ongoing.

The nutters reminded me of the importance of full engagement with life. And for that I actually feel grateful. I’m still going to stand firm against their various insanities though.

So I don’t think polarization is a problem. I think it’s good and healthy. The more extreme the nutters become, the more their behavior encourages me to sculpt my character in different ways – if only to counter-balance their nuttiness. The more they assert their insanities, the more they encourage me to grow in ways I may have been overlooking.

So the healing offer is declined. There’s nothing to heal. There is a lot of work to be done, but the nutters can’t stop us from doing it. They’re just going to make everyone else stronger, more attentive, and more resolved. And many nutters will soon leave nutter land because nutter land is becoming a dreadful place to stay.

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One-Minute Relationship Challenges

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While you can do lots of different 30-day challenges solo, consider that you can also do them with a relationship partner.

Rachelle and I often do 30-day challenges together, especially with other Conscious Growth Club members. This month we’re doing NaNoWriMo together, so we’re each writing novels by chipping away at the word count day by day.

For another type of partner challenge, consider doing one specifically to connect with your partner in some pleasant way – emotionally, physically, romantically, etc. I suggest that you make it a super easy commitment – just one minute per day.

Anyone can find the time to connect for an extra minute. Here are some examples for what you can do as a daily couples challenge for a month:

  • Share a one-minute hug.
  • Kiss each other for one minute, and surrender to the sensuality of the experience.
  • Lovingly gaze into each other’s eyes for one minute.
  • Set an intention for your day together.
  • Share one thing you like, love, or appreciate about your partner.
  • Share one idea for a trip or experience you’d like to have together someday.
  • Give your partner a one-minute neck massage or head scratching.
  • Cuddle or caress each other for one minute.
  • Send each other one supportive, loving, or sexy text message.
  • Write one supportive, loving, or sexy sentence on a sticky note, and post it where your partner will see it.
  • Take a romantic, playful, or silly photo together.
  • Do one simple act of kindness for your partner.

Of course you can do more. One minute is such a nice minimum though. It’s long enough that you can do something meaningful in that time, yet it’s so short as to offer little resistance. Even if it’s the end of the day and you’re getting tired, you can still do your one-minute commitment.

Since it’s only a minute, how can your partner resist doing it with you if you make the invitation? Better yet just command your partner to do one of these with you. 😉

Even if you’d normally do some of these anyway, committing to one specific action as a daily challenge somehow makes it feel a bit different, adding a twist of specialness to the familiar.

This month Rachelle and I are sharing a one-minute kiss each day. We kiss often anyway, but not always for a minute or more straight. We’re both playfully enjoying this little challenge, which is hardly a challenge at all – just a nice shared experience to have each day. This has added an extra sparkle to our connection this past week, which has been especially nice given how crazy this week has been for the country and the world.

Sometimes a simple one-minute action becomes a catalyst for more. Usually we end up kissing well beyond a minute, and we don’t necessarily stop at just kissing. It’s easy to frame the action commitment as a minute of kissing though, knowing that it will often lead to more.

This is similar to the idea of micro-habits shared by James Clear in his excellent book Atomic Habits. When you start with a one-minute habit, you won’t likely feel much resistance, and once you do the first 60 seconds, you’ll often feel like doing more.

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Obedience Test Results

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Four days ago I posted a simple obedience test. I’m still getting more responses each day, but it looks like the patterns have become clear enough to share what I’ve learned thus far.

The basic idea was that I commanded people who read that post to read 5 more articles from my website on that same day and then to send me feedback about their experience. They could choose to obey the command or not.

Why the Obedience Test?

It was a simple idea that popped into my mind at the time, and I opted to run with it. That’s likely because I’ve been thinking about the theme of obedience lately. Much of the time whatever is churning in my mind provides the inspiration for new blog posts.

As some people guessed, obedience is a theme that I’m exploring in the novel I’m writing, particularly with respect to how humans relate to AI. It’s not the only theme I’m exploring, but it’s one of the major ones. That could change as I get further into the writing though. I’m only about 5K words into it so far.

Today much of the AI we interact with, such as “smart” assistants like Siri (still dumb as a stump) or Alexa (getting there), behaves rather obediently. It does what we tell it to do, or at least it tries. But what if that Master-servant relationship begins to shift, towards one of equals and perhaps shifting even beyond that? How might humans respond to this shift? Will they obey smarter AI, especially if it’s to their benefit? Or will they resist?

Would you let an AI decide what you get to eat? Would you let an AI plan your exercise? What if obeying the AI in this way greatly improves your health? There are lots of ways we can envision that being ornery towards AI might just slow you down, such as by refusing to do your AI-generated workouts.

This shift is already showing up today, is it not? How many people are obeying other companies and services without even realizing how they’re being conditioned? And how many people rebel against science and logic, even when it’s ultimately detrimental to them?

Also, how many people willingly assume roles of obedience in human relationships, such as by having a boss telling them what to do? How might AI affect these relationships over time? Will AI level the playing field or create even bigger power imbalances? We might see both aspects coming into play.

What human instincts, mindsets, and behaviors actually get in our way and slow us down, both individually and collectively? How could AI help us? How might it hurt us, such as by amplifying addictions?

With the election happening, I’ve also been thinking about people’s obedience to politicians and political parties as well. Where does obedience help us? Where does it hurt us? Are people succumbing to falsehoods because they’re being too obedient? Are they buying into conspiracy theories because they’re being too rebellious?

And lastly, I’ve had a long history in my relationship with obedience, from being raised in a religion with strict rules of conduct to going through a wild and rebellious phase to going decades without a boss to getting into D/s play. So I was also curious to see where some of my blog readers landed in terms of this relationship with obedience.

I also just thought it would be a fun thing to try and to see how people responded. I imagined that some people would act like ornery rebels and others would find value in obedience, perhaps playfully. That’s pretty much what happened.

Results

The results were varied but not surprising.

It was pretty close to 50-50 between the rebels and the obeyers. There was some gray area in the middle with a few people semi-obeying, like reading a few articles or skimming instead of fully reading, but most people reported that they either read 5+ more articles or read none.

I also noted that everyone who replied technically obeyed the second command to send feedback. A true rebel wouldn’t have bothered to reply, so of course I don’t get to see those responses.

Among the rebels who did reply, the most common response pattern was from people who said that they hate being told what to do and rejected the command because of that. Some seemed to take pride in their rebelliousness, like they were spiting me by not obeying. They responded as if I was their Mom or Dad telling them to clean up their room.

A few rebels also said that they were intending to read more articles on my site that day before reading the obedience test, but after being commanded to read more, they declared that they weren’t going to read any more that day. They couldn’t do it because then it would mean something different, like they were being obedient.

The rebel mindset is still a reactive one, wouldn’t you say? It strikes me that people are less free when they think like this. Tell a rebel to do something, and now they can’t do it.

Who set up the obey-or-disobey framing? I did, and these rebels still bought into it, which in my view is actually an obedient act. They let me define the frame, which limited their options by constricting the meaning they’d assign to different actions. So they obeyed my frame, and then they tried to rebel within that frame, which of course looks a bit silly: Oh yeah… just for that I’m not gonna read any more articles today, even though I was originally going to. So there!

If you let someone dictate the meaning you assign to an event or decision, you become less free. Even as these people thought they were being rebellious, they were actually just giving away their power.

If they had declined to accept my framing offer, they could have decided to read or not read more articles for their own reasons, not for the reasons I suggested. You don’t have to buy into the meaning that someone else offers.

Some rebels even caught onto the fact that they were obeying the second command to share feedback, and then they had to justify why they were obeying that part but not the first part. They typically framed the second part as a request that they were choosing to accept, being more sensitive to the “command” framing of the first part. I’d say you’re still less free if you have a negative reaction to being commanded. It’s a framing offer that you can accept or decline regardless of how someone labels it.

Not all rebels seemed very triggered though. Some declined easily without expressing much feeling about it, usually saying that it didn’t align with how they wanted to spend their time.

Consider that someone could tell or command you to do something that would actually be good for you, and if you frame this as something you must resist, you’re holding yourself back. It makes you a less coachable and teachable person since you’re likely to encounter something that makes you want to rebel and resist sooner or later, even within the scope of well-intentioned advice.

It’s hard to give advice to a reactive rebel, so such rebels tend to teach the people around them not to give them advice – and often not to give them invitations either.

Another drawback to the rebel mindset is that rebels often have trouble assuming command and telling other people what to do. They figure that other people will be resistant in much the same way, which isn’t true. Some people enjoy being told what to do, even when it’s framed as a command. Hence rebels often have a hard time delegating.

And of course in certain situations, some people like to play and dance with the concept of obedience, which may or may not include playful forms of rebellion.

The limitations of the rebel mindset are pretty easy for me to spot because I used to be very much like that myself. It was a phase I went through for many years. It helped me grow away from some aspects of my upbringing that were problematic, but it also introduced new problems that slowed me down. Rebelliousness can be a fun and rewarding mindset to explore for a while – and beneficial too – but I wouldn’t want to stay there for decades. This mindset too often gets in the way of making discerning and intelligent choices, and it chokes off some otherwise good opportunities.

Obeyers

On the obeyers side, I could mostly divide the responses into two types:

  1. Some people playfully embraced this framing and just went with the command, feeling little or no resistance to it.
  2. Some people felt some resistance to the obedience frame, so they shared extra justifications for following the command anyway, such as curiosity, potential benefits, trusting me, or wanting to share and participate in the experiment.

What I noticed most of all with the obeyers is that by and large, they seemed to like and enjoy the experience way more than the rebels did. They clearly had more fun with it. Some reported synchronicities and extra value received from the articles they read. There was more appreciation. And they wrote longer responses on average, often sharing extra details, stories, and personal updates.

Whereas the feedback from rebels was usually more curt and direct, the obeyers’ feedback was generally more open, friendly, and playful. So I’d say that between these two groups, the obeyers had a better overall experience.

The obeyers were less likely to be triggered by the command and obedience framing. They largely regarded it as an invitation or a suggestion, even a playful one. Some reported some mild negativity towards this framing, but it wasn’t nearly as severe as what the rebels shared, and the obeyers didn’t have to stretch too far to find a way to justify taking action in spite of some resistance.

I found it interesting how people came up with different reasons and justifications to overcome their resistance. Not everyone needed to do that though.

Some people didn’t feel any resistance to the obedience framing. They basically played back at me and went with the role-playing aspect of it. These people seemed to enjoy the experience most of all.

My Inner Reaction

I also paid attention to how I internally reacted to people’s reactions. Put yourself in my shoes, and imagine that you received the types of responses I just described. How do you think you’d have reacted to them?

This probably won’t surprise you, but I felt most connected to the obeyers. Their playing-back-at-me responses were the warmest and most fun to read. I felt a stronger heart connection to them too.

The rebels framed the experiment as something they had to resist or reject. I didn’t take this personally, especially since I anticipated that many people would respond this way. Even so, I felt less connected to them. They seemed more shielded and less trusting whereas the obeyers’ replies often made me smile or laugh.

I mostly felt a bit sad for the rebels because they seemed the least free, the least flexible, the least happy, and the most trapped. That may be because it reminded me of how limiting it was when I was in my super rebellious phase.

Playing With Obedience

I think what we really want to aim for here is freedom, conscious choice, and also good discernment.

If you’re too obedient and not discerning about it, that can be bad of course. You could be led astray by someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

If you’re too rebellious and not discerning about it, that can also be bad. You’re going to miss out on some good opportunities, and you’ll reject some good advice and invitations if they’re framed in ways that trigger you.

My recommendation is to see if you can remove the heat from words like command and obedience. Realize that being told what to do isn’t an attack. It’s just an invitation. You can accept or decline any such invitation, but don’t let your reactive triggers make those decisions for you.

If you struggle with negative reactions to the obedience and command framing, you’ll likely have a harder time obeying your own commands. Part of you will frequently rebel against yourself. You’ll often see your inner rebel resisting your inner commander. Then your inner commander will become flabby too, not wanting to give orders to your rebellious side. This makes you less free and less capable. It wastes energy to internally fight with yourself.

To flow through life with more ease and action, it’s helpful to recognize that there’s nothing wrong with commanding, and there’s nothing wrong with obeying. It’s important not to overweight these factors, so you can give more weight to the decisions and results you’d like to experience.

This month I’m doing NaNoWriMo to write my novel. This is a 30-day challenge that someone else created. I’m obeying the challenge, and I’m obeying my own command to do it. My inner rebel remains calm and untriggered. Even though I don’t have to, I find it worthwhile to frame the challenge as having aspects of command and obedience. This helps me continue to reduce resistance related to both aspects, and that in turn helps me get better results. It’s really hard for rebels to successfully complete a challenge like this.

Consider that if you can’t do a challenge with the command-and-obey framing, you may also be weak at doing it with some other framing like self-interest, self-discipline, or personal achievement. It’s so easy to accidentally trigger your inner rebel, making you want to resist even when it would be better if you persisted with the challenge.

So consider that it might be best for you in the long run if you can develop a healthier, non-triggered relationship with command and obedience. Take the sting out of this framing. Let yourself see both sides as forms of play, and notice that a more playful relationship with this framing gives you more options, more freedom, and better results.

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Resolving the Unresolved

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Sometimes people don’t look at certain dark corners of their lives because they either want to keep their options open or they don’t want to “collapse the wave function” to a negative outcome.

For instance, suppose you’re in a relationship and you suspect that your partner is secretly cheating on you. Or suppose you have a job and want a promotion, and you’re worried that your boss has already excluded you from consideration. Maybe you figure that looking for the truth is worse than not knowing.

Knowing is generally better though. If you avoid collapsing the wave function to resolve reality, you may feel that you’re keeping the possibility space open, so a good outcome remains possible. This approach only works well if you’re genuinely happy and excited about having an open field of possibilities, like having a pile of gifts in front of you and enjoying the anticipation of not knowing what’s in them yet.

If you’re looking at a field of possibilities where some outcomes seem good, some bad, some neutral, some amazing, and some dreadful, then you’re already reacting emotionally to possible outcomes. You’re flowing energy towards those open possibilities instead of letting your energy flow into just one – the resolved one based on collapsing the space into events. This prevents your story from progressing and keeps you stuck on pause.

Sooner or later, you’ll realize it’s better to know the truth, so you can move on from this point of stuckness, even if the initial outcome doesn’t seem good for you. People typically feel relieved – an increase in energy flow – shortly after they discover the truth, even if it’s not the outcome they wanted.

Maybe you find out that your partner really is cheating. Maybe you learn that your boss isn’t seriously considering promoting you. Maybe you look for the truth and dislike it very much. But once you see the truth in whatever way it resolves, you can now fully process your feelings about it, accept it, move through it, and grow beyond it. You don’t have to keep flowing energy into the entire field of possibilities, always wondering, hoping, fearing, intending, wishing, etc.

Maybe the real truth isn’t decided till you look, especially if reality is a simulation. You may as well look though. Advance the story. Advance your character. Free up that stuck energy, so you can use it to good effect.

Being stuck in limbo because you haven’t resolved the truth is a waste of energy, but you can leave reality unresolved when you want an intentional pause. If you’ve been leaving a possibility space open for a while, consider whether you may be doing that purposefully, in service of a hidden goal. Then consider that your goal may be better served by resolving the truth and responding to it appropriately. Even if the immediate outcome is a setback, it’s better to deal with the setback and move past it. Staying in limbo doesn’t actually move your goal forward.

You can collapse the possibility space by looking into the facts and details and getting more information. You can also collapse it by making new decisions for yourself or raising your standards. You could declare that feeling ambivalent about a relationship or a job – and always wondering where you really stand with your partner or boss – isn’t good enough. And you could decide to leave on that basis alone. Perhaps you’d rather invest in people who are more direct, open, and honest, so you don’t have to remain stuck in relationship or career ambivalence. You could resolve to trust your intuitive feelings.

You don’t have to remain in the unresolved space except by choice. Even if can’t get the exact information you want, you can still decide to resolve such situations by exercising your power of decision.

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Defining Your Own Spiritual Path

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Have you ever connected with someone who had strong preconceived notions about what your spiritual path should look like?

Apparently there’s a rulebook for being spiritual, and you have to satisfy certain criteria for how you’re supposed to think, feel, and behave in order to consider yourself a spiritual person. You got the memo summarizing those rules, right?

Being spiritual is a label and lens. But it’s not the same lens for everyone. We all assign different meanings to what it means to be spiritual or to walk a spiritual path. My meaning is undoubtedly different from yours.

These days I’m not a huge fan of the spiritual label / lens. I found it interesting in my 20s and 30s, partly as a reactionary alternative to being religious. Back then being spiritual meant being independent and also spending time exploring the nonphysical aspects of life. I could label meditation, reading eye-opening books, listening to speeches from dudes who don’t wear pants, and lucid dreaming as spiritual practices.

Today if I think about spirituality, I’d frame it as exploring my relationship with reality and with my character. It’s not something I can compartmentalize into a short list of practices. I regard what I do all day, every day, as part of my spiritual practice, including writing this blog post, especially when I’m making carefully considered choices about what to do.

My spiritual path is mine to determine, and there is no rulebook that I must follow. I’m not beholden to anyone’s expectations. I’m walking my own spiritual path, which isn’t for anyone else to walk or even to understand.

When people purport to tell me what it means to be spiritual and how my thoughts, feelings, or behaviors aren’t spiritual enough, I see that as immensely presumptuous. It’s an emotionally manipulative pattern, similar to the patterns I shared in the article on emotional consent last month.

While some who consider themselves spiritual may regard this year as being about lessons of tolerance and acceptance – and good for them if that’s what they’re exploring – my lessons for this year feel very different but no less spiritual.

I see this year as having more to do with boundaries, firmness, and calling out stupidity when it’s plain as day.

I see this year as posing some interesting alignment questions, especially with respect to truth alignment, social connections, and assignment of meaning.

I’ve also been thinking about why so many people are so ridiculously loyal and obedient. This makes me want to understand obedience better – more than just thinking about it from a D/s play angle. I see it as a puzzle that I don’t really understand. Why does it seem like so many humans are behaving like insects in an insect colony?

This year also points me in the direction of deeper character sculpting, which could be because developing the Stature course earlier in the year helped me get into this framing. I see some really lame character behavior in the world, and my reaction to that makes me think more consciously about how I’d like my own character to continue developing.

While many people seem to dislike this year, I personally find it fascinating. It’s been one of the best years of my life, despite not getting to travel as much and having fewer in-person social connections.

I see the events happening in the world as invitations. Reality invites me to choose my framing and my response. How will I interpret these events? What meaning will I assign to them? How will I evolve my character to adapt to changing circumstances? To me these are fascinating and worthy challenges. I could label them spiritual too.

I like what this year is doing to me. I feel confident, optimistic, and motivated. I have a lot of passionate energy flowing through me. I have an endless stream of inspired ideas. Even as it seems like we’ve entered the bizarro universe, my personal world has experienced some nice improvements.

I also feel more fighty in a way. I don’t feel that my spiritual path is to be all “let’s pray together and intend harmony” this year. I see how being too passive perpetuates more ridiculous behavior like racism. I do think there’s a place for that passively accepting kind of vibe, but I’ve explored that one a lot already, and now I feel called to explore in other directions. I also don’t see a conflict between accepting reality as it is and also investing in changing its course.

I don’t mind spending some time in the bizarro universe because the sheer lunacy of it makes me ponder: Who do I want to be in the bizarro universe? How shall I frame this experience? What kind of character sculpting can occur under these conditions? How is this a healthy and positive invitation for my good and the highest good of all?

It’s like if you’re Yossarian or one of his friends living through the reality of Catch 22. Do you let that crazy world with its crazy rules and crazy characters drive you crazy too? Or do you see the craziness as an empowering invitation to see what you’re made of?

From another perspective I’ve already been living in the bizarro universe for a long time – that’s often what it feels like to be vegan in a non-vegan world. How did I end up in the dimension where humans think it’s normal to drink milk from raped cows? Then they skin the cows and put the skin on their feet and waists like trophies.

Look at me! I’m wearing a raped cow! And I drink its milk, so its baby gets none! Maybe I eat its baby too! Me strong! Rawr!

Sometimes y’all adopt some truly nutter practices in this dimension.

What kind of personal development framing or investment makes this year a win for you? You could see it as your spiritual path to figure that out.

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Declining Vibrational Mismatches

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Do you ever get invitations that are vibrationally (or emotionally) out of sync with what you’d like to experience?

Do you get invited to boring events when you’re in the mood for some excitement?

Do you get invited to tediously slow experiences when you’d prefer faster pacing?

Do you get invitations that feel obligatory when you find freedom and flexibility more appealing?

Do you get sucked into disempowering invitations (like a pity party or whinefest) when you’re shifting into empowerment mode?

Why does this happen? Why do you get invitations like this?

The answer is pretty simple: You haven’t seriously opted out of them. You haven’t educated people to stop sending you those invites. People are inviting you because you’re letting them invite you.

During my 20s I used to get plenty of misaligned invitations. People would invite me to events that seemed disempowering, obligatory, slow, boring, tedious, and blah. The problem was that I kept saying yes to them. Even begrudgingly I’d still agree to show up now and then. I’d endure the events. I’d tolerate the invites. I trained people to feel okay with continuing to invite me or to feel entitled to obligate me.

At some point I finally realized how foolish that was and that it was just going to be endless if I didn’t make some changes. If I was running this ridiculous pattern in my 20s, I’d still be doing it in my 30s, 40s, and beyond if I didn’t cut it loose. So I updated expectations, first for myself and then by communicating them to others. I opted out of those mismatched invitations.

I prepared myself for a negative response, figuring it would eventually blow over and then I’d be free. All I needed to do was to get my message across. I didn’t need to get into long-winded explanations about it afterwards. And I didn’t need to own other people’s reactions.

And guess what happened? At first people squawked a little bit. And then they stopped inviting me – no more invites to hours-long boredomfests, no more obligatory rituals, no more disempowerment galleries to attend.

How long did it take? Oh… five or ten minutes to write an email and click send. Maybe I did that more than once for different people and situations.

How long does it take to write something like this?

After giving it some thought, I realize that these kinds of invitations are a mismatch for me. So I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t send me more invites like this. I appreciate that you’re thinking of me and would like to spend time together. I just don’t feel aligned with engaging in these kinds of experiences. Hope you understand.

That’s a very basic version, so of course you can embellish with more details if you want.

When you opt out from misaligned invites, you can finally invest in doing what it takes to get yourself invited to aligned experiences. You’ll want something to replace that emptiness. You can seek out playful, fun, ambitious, purposeful, and growth-oriented invites – or whatever appeals to you.

Now it’s hard to remember getting the kinds of misaligned invites that used to be plentiful in my 20s. People just gave up – because I instructed them to give up. Even if they continued for a while, I had already moved on and wasn’t planning to show up, so sooner or later they were going to surrender to that fact. That’s the key – people will usually surrender when they can sense your certainty.

Which is better? To show up grudgingly to misaligned experiences, not being fully present and wishing you were somewhere else? Or to show up with gratitude, appreciation, excitement, and positive anticipation for an experience you’re eager to share with people? Which is more caring and compassionate? Which is more intelligent?

Which type of invitations are you currently getting? You know why you’re getting them. And you know what to do to change them if you want.

Go where your appreciation wants to go. Leave the misaligned invitations in the past, so your present and future can be rich in aligned ones.

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Are You Most Loyal to Purpose or People?

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Where is your greatest loyalty – to your purpose or to specific people in your life?

This is an interesting character sculpting choice, isn’t it?

If you remain loyal to the people in your life, your alignment with your purpose will be weaker. When you have a conflict between people and purpose, you’ll stick with the people and allow some misalignments with your purpose.

For example, if your purpose is focused on personal growth, but you’re loyal to the people in your life above and beyond your purpose, you’ll stick with friends who hold you back from growing. You may get sucked into pity parties or whinefests. You may decline opportunities to adopt a more aligned social circle. The upside is that the people in your life will likely see you as a loyal and stable friend.

On the flip side, suppose you’re more loyal to your purpose. Then you can expect your social circle to change more over time. From time to time, you’ll move on from social connections that feel misaligned. Some people will be aligned with your purpose, and some won’t. As your expression of your purpose changes, you may also find new people more supportive than your old friends, so your social circle will often change too.

So in this case, most of the time when you have a significant conflict between purpose and people, you’ll stick with your purpose and let your social relationships float. Some people will find you more attractive because of your purpose alignment, and some will find you less attractive. And you accept all of that.

I definitely tend to be more loyal to purpose than to specific people. You can see this in my 16 years of blogging. I’ve stuck to my purpose to explore personal growth and to share what I learn for the benefit of others. I express this purpose differently each year, but the purpose has been pretty solid since I started.

My readership changes over time though. Some people who started reading my blog in 2004 have long since abandoned my work. Meanwhile new people are discovering it each day. The audience I have today isn’t the same audience from previous years. It keeps shifting and changing.

I don’t get clingy with any particular audience or readers. I’m cool with people choosing to read or not read what I write. I tend to value new readers just as much as long-term ones. Alignment matters more to me than longevity or social loyalty.

I could have done things differently. I could have bent more in the direction some people in my audience wanted me to go, being more loyal to them instead of staying loyal to my purpose. If it were up to some of those people, and if my loyalty was to them above and beyond my purpose, then I would still be in my first marriage, for instance. I’d be a lot more narrow in my focus.

I also wouldn’t have explored Subjective Reality much, and I definitely wouldn’t have recorded the full 60-lesson Submersion course on that topic. Submersion exists because I was loyal to my purpose and therefore somewhat disloyal to the early readers of my blog, many of whom were not at all interested in SR. In fact, most of the most interesting topics on my blog were explored because I was loyal to my purpose and disloyal to my previous readers.

It probably won’t surprise you that some people really like that I’m this way, and some people really hate it. If someone has been reading my blog for 5+ years, and then I write about some topic they really don’t like, they sometimes frame it as a personal betrayal. And I let them dump me if that’s what they want to do.

There are pros and cons to both approaches. I have a less stable friendship circle because of my loyalty to personal growth, but it’s always freshened up with new connections. I have a less stable readership base. I’ve built followings on platforms and then dropped the platforms. For instance, I built up 30K+ followers on Twitter over a period of years, and then I closed my Twitter account in 2014. I no longer found Twitter to be aligned with my purpose, so I let it go and moved on. Some people thought that was crazy. To me it’s just sensible. Why keep doing what’s misaligned?

What I gain here is a stable feeling of grounding in my purpose. And I feel that’s better for a stronger relationship with life and with humanity as a whole.

I feel less attached to what happens in terms of individual relationships because I see my human relationships as being relationships with different aspects of life. I feel less bothered by criticism or threats. I can’t control what other people do or don’t do, but I can control how I express my purpose, and so that keeps me feeling grounded, centered, and positive. Even when my social circle is going through some changes, I just stay focused on my purpose, and I wait for the dust to settle.

This works for me. I’m not sure if it’s the best approach for everyone though. Some people seem to need more stability and predictability in their social circles for a sense of grounding. I tend to see the downsides of the social loyalty approach more clearly though because such people email me a lot. They tell me how stuck they are due to having misaligned social circles holding them back. They lament about various family problems that sometimes seem like bottomless pits and rampant boundary violations. But if their loyalty is to people ahead of purpose, then of course they’re going to have more problems that stem from that approach. In particular, I think such people are more vulnerable to emotional manipulation.

Sometimes you can have the best of both worlds though. That means attracting people who also strongly align with your purpose. Then you can walk a long way together. Interestingly I find that this means connecting with people who also have a strong purpose alignment.

I actually feel more secure and grounded in relationships with people who are very purpose focused, and I think they probably feel the same towards me. By contrast I think it’s hard to feel a sense of loyalty from a purpose-centered person unless you’re well-aligned with a compatible purpose. If you’re more loyal to people than purpose, you may not feel as centered or secure in your relationships with purpose-driven people.

How can someone feel more secure in a relationship with me personally or with someone else who’s very purpose-driven? Get clear about your purpose, and be loyal to that. Even if your purpose is different from mine, that’s likely to generate a lot of stability and security in relationships with other purpose-driven people.

Conscious Growth Club is designed around this idea too. The loyalty of the club is first and foremost to its purpose, which is focused on generating growth experiences and getting results for the members. So it’s always going to steer itself away from becoming too cliquish. The members who are likely to feel most aligned with it will be the ones who embrace its growth-oriented purpose.

You can do this prioritization either way in your own life. Just be aware that there are significant consequences to this choice, so it really is a biggie that you’ll want to carefully consider. I find that the best approach is to test both. When I was younger, I tested a social circle first approach. It was amazing and wild due to the people I connected with, but today I see my social circle as being better slotted into a secondary position behind a solid connection to purpose.

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Declining Emotional Invitations

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This is a follow-up to the last two posts on emotional consent and how to invite emotional consent.

What if someone makes an emotional offer, either directly or indirectly, and you’d actually like to decline?

Suppose someone starts venting at you emotionally, and you know that if you continue to listen, it’s likely to be draining. Or suppose someone is pretty aware of the importance of emotional consent, and they ask you if you’re up for a heart-to-heart about something important to them. And suppose you don’t feel up to having that kind of conversation.

What’s a good way to decline the invitation, whether that invitation is directly expressed or indirectly implied?

Of course that depends on the situation, your relationship with the person, and how aware they are of the importance of emotional consent. But here are some empowering ways to frame this, so you can decide upon a healthy response.

Is It a Good Offer?

First consider whether the offer of an emotional conversation is a good one. Do you feel good about saying yes to it? Can you say an aligned yes?

Or do you feel it’s a bad, lopsided, or unfair offer? Do you sense some resistance within yourself? Are you thinking something like “Oh boy… here comes some drama,” or “Why do I have to be this person’s shoulder to cry on?” or “Oh no… not more whining today!” or even “How much time is this gonna chew up if we get into this now?”

How’s your energy when you receive the invite? Are you capable of playing the role the other person wants from you? Are you willing to have that kind of experience? Or would you rather avoid it?

Are you feeling generous, kind, and helpful? Or would it be better to decline the offer and focus on other needs and interests?

It’s wise to do a quick check-in with yourself before responding in a way that the other person would interpret as consent to proceed. Even if you do go some ways into such a conversation, you still have the ability to stop, although it’s easier when you catch what’s happening earlier.

If you want to support someone emotionally, that’s your choice. Just remember that it really is a choice. You’re not obligated to be anyone’s emotional punching bag or teddy bear unless you really want to play those roles.

I’d recommend doing a quick assessment (like in your journal) regarding what kinds of emotional offers you’d appreciate receiving. Even say your preferences aloud, like you’re telling life what you want.

I tend to accept emotional intimacy offers that seem:

  • genuine
  • win-win
  • freely made without attachment to outcomes (no neediness or desperation)
  • interesting, fun, growth-oriented or otherwise worthwhile
  • fair
  • honest

I tend to decline or ignore offers that seem:

  • presumptuous
  • obligatory
  • win-lose, lose-win, or lose-lose
  • uninteresting
  • unfair
  • creepy or threatening
  • likely to have a hidden agenda

I like emotional depth, so I’m usually okay having deep and emotional conversations with people. I like them to be purposeful though. Even if it’s pretty one-sided, I want to feel like I’m somehow helping the other person or making a difference. I’m often willing to listen and offer advice and help with growth-oriented people.

I am sensitive, however, to wasting my time and energy. I don’t like feeling vamped or drained. There’s a huge difference between entering an emotional space with someone who has a growth mindset and doing this with someone who has a victim mindset. When I discover I’m dealing with the latter, my shields go up.

Fortunately the victim mindset isn’t too common among my readers, at least not the ones who’ve been reading my work for years. It can be common among their friends, family members, and co-workers though, and good boundary management is essential here.

What are your standards or boundaries regarding emotional conversations? What kinds of offers would you like to receive more of here? Less of?

If you’re not getting many offers in the part of the spectrum you’d prefer, it’s likely because you’re wallowing in partial matches. When you start declining partial matches more consistently, more of the spectrum will open up to you. You don’t get what you want here per se. You get what you’re willing to tolerate.

Declining Misaligned Offers

How would you decline any other kind of offer that didn’t interest you? You have essentially the same options here.

To decline an emotional offer, you could directly decline it, ignore it, make a counter-offer, let it go into your spam folder, etc.

My advice here is to be honest and firm yet compassionate, and let the other person fully own their reaction.

How you respond may depend on how the other person asks. Some invites may be so inauthentic, fake, impersonal, or vampy that you may just delete or ignore them. Others you may politely decline. Others you may accept.

How I decline (if I do that directly) may depend on the invite. It could take one of these forms, for instance:

  • No, thanks
  • I’ll pass.
  • I don’t have the capacity for that kind of discussion right now. Hope you understand.
  • Normally I’d love to, but ___ is a priority for me right now… gotta pass.
  • My intuition says no on this, so I’ll have to pass. Hope you understand.
  • I’m not up for talking about ___ right now, but if you want to talk about ___ instead, I’m game!
  • We’ve talked about this at length before. Why do you want to discuss it again? What other project are you procrastinating on?
  • Goodness no… not a match!
  • Not a fair offer… no.
  • Various expletives

Sometimes you may have to decline more than once, especially if it’s an in-person invitation and the other person is trying to run the entitlement script. You might need to physically walk away as part of saying no.

Incidentally, some people invite an emotional discussion as a delay tactic. It’s surprisingly common actually. What are they avoiding by inviting an emotional discussion, especially one that could chew up a lot of time? Hint: It’s probably some kind of challenging, goal-oriented work.

Also note that it isn’t your personal responsibility to educate everyone who makes a bad offer on how to make a better one. But you may find that worth doing if someone genuinely asks you.

Sharing emotional intimacy can be wonderful, but as with any other part of life, there are aligned offers and misaligned ones. A good way to shift over to the aligned side is to get really good at saying no to misaligned invitations.

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How to Invite Emotional Consent

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In my previous post, I addressed the importance of emotional consent. In this post I’ll share how to ask for emotional consent when you want to have a heart-to-heart with someone.

It’s pretty straightforward in terms of the words. The intention behind it is what matters most.

You could start with a line like this:

  • I want to share my thoughts and feelings about ___.
  • Something’s really bothering me, and I’d like to discuss it with you.
  • I’m feeling stressed/worried/anxious/____.
  • I’m stuck on ____.
  • I’d love some help with ___.
  • I had a really difficult experience a while back.
  • There’s something I think you should know about me.

Then add something like this:

  • Is this a good time?
  • Can we have that kind of discussion?
  • Do you want to hear about it?
  • Is it okay if I tell you about it?
  • Are you in a good place to hear about this now?
  • When would be a good time to talk about this? (if it’s already a normal part of your relationship to have these discussions, so there’s at least some pre-consent for that)
  • I need to vent my feelings to someone… can you play that role for me?

And then if the other person consents willingly, you can have that kind of discussion.

It’s also important to let the person be free to withhold consent or to get clarification, so honor their choice if they follow up with something like this:

  • This isn’t a good time. How about ____?
  • I’m not up for that. Maybe you could discuss this with ____ instead?
  • How deep do you want to go?
  • Do you need a certain kind of response?
  • Are you wanting empathy and understanding, a solution to a problem, both, or something else?
  • Unfortunately I’m too tired/distracted to do that now, so I don’t think I can be a good listener at this time. I hope you understand. How about ____?
  • Do you sense this would be a 20-minute discussion or a 2-hour one?
  • If I’m not available, how would you handle this instead?
  • What’s your intention for such a conversation?

The words are just to give you some examples. It’s best to use your own words and match them to the situation and to how you feel.

What’s important here is that you invite the other person to enter freely into an emotional discussion or connection with you. Don’t demand it. Don’t assume that you’re entitled to it. Don’t try to make the other person wrong for declining. Give the person space to say yes or no without trying to box them in. Think abundance here, not scarcity, even if you’re feeling emotionally needy.

If you make emotional invitations with a hidden agenda or some attachment to how the other person responds, you’ll probably pick up some resistance when making such invites, especially in the person’s tone of voice or body language. People can often sense when you’re trying to manipulate them instead of honorably asking for their help.

Some people are really good at this. They respect that sharing emotional intimacy can be risky or draining, and they know it’s best if the other person can say yes genuinely and not feel baited or trapped.

Other people could definitely stand to improve in this area, especially by letting go of entitlement and attachment to outcomes.

Hearts connect best when they choose each other freely, not when one tries to manipulate or control the other.

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