Category Archives: Relationships

Slap Or No Slap, Did Jada Really Need Will Smith To ‘Defend Her Honour’?

Posted on by
Reply

Just moments after it happened, Chris Rock knew his altercation with Will Smith at this year’s Oscars was going to make headlines, calling it “the greatest night in the history of television”.

For those yet to watch the clip, Rock made a joke at the expense of Smith’s wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, when he said he was “looking forward to seeing GI Jane 2”.

Rock was apparently referencing the actress’ shaved head, which is a result of the hair loss condition, alopecia. Seconds later, Smith climbed onto the stage, slapped Rock and said: “Keep my wife’s name out of your fucking mouth.”

Some have excused Smith’s actions, saying he was simply “defending his wife’s honour” – but that phrase in itself has left others feeling uncomfortable.

Most of us will agree that there’s other ways to stand up for someone you love without resulting to physical violence. But it also raises the question: do women still need their “honour” defended by a man?

Plenty of people have praised the actor for stepping in to “defend” his wife.

But others have highlighted that Jada Pinkett Smith is a grown woman and perfectly capable of defending herself if she chooses to.

Jada Pinkett Smith arrives on the red carpet before the 2022 Oscars ceremony.

Future Publishing via Getty Images

Jada Pinkett Smith arrives on the red carpet before the 2022 Oscars ceremony.

Later in the evening, Smith won the Best Actor award for his portrayal of Richard Williams, the father of Venus and Serena Williams, in the biopic King Richard.

In his acceptance speech, he apologised to the Academy and his fellow nominees for his behaviour, adding: “I look like the crazy father, just like what they said about Richard Williams. But love will make you do crazy things.”

But his words only sparked further criticism.

A lot of people agree that both men were in the wrong in this scenario, calling out toxic masculinity on either side.

But one thing is clear: the headlines this morning are all focused on Chris Rock and Will Smith. The woman at the heart of this story, Jada Pinkett Smith, has been erased in all the drama.

Share Button

Guild Course Update

Posted on by

I finished working out the details for the upcoming Guild course on social alignment, so now I can give you a crisper update on that, including when we’ll get started.

We’ll be opening the doors for people to enroll early next week. I’d say by Tuesday. The course will officially begin one week from today, on Friday, April 1st, and it will run for 30 days straight.

Format-wise it’s a bit of a hybrid that combines the daily live lesson experience of Deep Abundance Integration with the social interactivity of the Amplify group calls. So it will be like an intensive 30-day challenge for anyone who wants to do it live.

Every day for 30 days in a row, from April 1 through April 30, I’ll be hosting a live Zoom call at 9am Pacific time. Each call will go for about 2-3 hours and will have a structured format that includes instruction, breakout rooms for interactive practice, Q&A, open sharing, and more.

The core theme of the course is creating and enjoying an aligned social circle. Each day we’ll chip off a piece of this to work on together, exploring a wide variety of subtopics.

Near the end of each call, we’ll have a co-creative segment to invite and consider suggestions for what to cover on the next day’s call. Then we’ll be able to pre-announce each day’s topic approximately 21 hours in advance. That way people who want to be selective can decide whether the next day’s topic appeals to them enough to attend live, or if they’d prefer to wait for the recording.

All of these calls (but not the breakout room segments) will be recorded, and each recording will be published the same day as the live lesson. Recordings will be streamable in your browser and also downloadable. We won’t be adding text transcripts of the lessons since those just don’t come out well for live calls; we’ve only included those for audio courses.

Every part of this experience is optional. You can choose to have an intense all-in experience by attending every call live. Lots of people did that with DAI and loved sharing the journey day by day – in fact I was impressed by how many people showed up live every day. I even grew a beard for those 30 days as some people may recall.

Alternatively, you can take your time and go through the recordings at whatever pacing you want since you get to keep those indefinitely. Or you can mix and match – do some calls live and enjoy the recordings for the rest.

All the breakout room practice portions are by consent. You can dive in and participate, or you can skip those parts and grab a snack instead. Totally your choice. Every session is an invitation, so nothing is forced, and there won’t be any pressure to do anything you don’t want to explore at this time.

Additionally there will be some extra bonuses to help you with ongoing practice and reinforcement.

The price for the full 30 days will be $497 USD. For Conscious Growth Club members, it’s included as part of their membership. There won’t be a launch discount for this course since the main incentive to sign up by April 1st is if people want to participate in the live experience. The long-term price for the recorded version will be the same.

I’m pricing this as low as I think would be sensible, so we attract people who are really committed to sharing in a major social exploration together. Since this will be a very social course, I want to make sure that we have a good base of very growth-oriented people who truly want to upgrade their social lives. I also don’t want to price it too high since I think it’s better if we have more people for you to engage with on the live calls. That’s better for the co-creative aspect. This price feels more than fair to me, especially for 60-90 hours of live engagement together.

Last year’s 3-day Octo Intensive workshop was also $497, and the Guild experience is going to be around 5-6x as long in terms of our time together. Guild is surely going to be rich in ideas and insights, but I also want to maintain an easy-going pacing that gives us lots of space to share, connect, crack jokes, and explore divergently too.

Like we did last year, I’ll be giving everyone the option to credit the full price of the course towards a CGC membership. CGC opens for new members once per year, always in the last week of April, and our CGC year begins on May 1st. We’ve got about a month to go in Year 5, so that will be the start of Year 6.

This year I expect we’ll open CGC for new members roughly from April 25 through May 1st. Since it started in 2017, CGC has always been $1997 per year, and we’re keeping that the same for 2022. So if you do the Guild course first, you’ll be able to join CGC this year for $1500 more. This type of offer was very popular last year, with dozens of people flowing into CGC from the Amplify course. We attracted some really great and active members, which is the main reason I want to do it again this year. I think such an interactive course is a good way to give people a preview of what the CGC community is like as well, especially since there will be many CGCers on the Guild calls.

I’m excited. This is going be a lot of fun for those who choose to engage with it. :grinning:

Here’s some extra info about how I make format choices for our courses, in case you’re curious about that.

With each course topic that we do, I like to stay in divergent space about the exact offer / invitation till the format crystallizes. I always get a signal from reality when it’s time to converge and flow into launch mode, and then everything progresses pretty quickly after that point. Before that point, I’m awash in pondering and synthesizing all the feedback I receive about what people want to work on together.

One thing I’ve noticed again and again is that I can’t effectively force reality to converge before it’s ready. I could try to converge at the personal level by my own volition, but it never feels right to do so until I receive that timing ping from reality. The greater floodgates of support from reality won’t be forthcoming unless we get synched up, and when that synching happens isn’t really up to me. I feel like it has more to do with some collective timing coordination that happens in the background, and I have to wait for reality to let me know when it’s ready. It’s like catching a wave on a surfboard. When I feel that rising wave of energy, I know it’s time to advance from private development mode to public invitation mode. And that wave showed up this week.

I don’t entirely feel that the format choices are made by me. It’s more like I bounce ideas off reality and wait for a very clear YES in response. I’ve explored different formats and creative forms over the years, so I’m very flexible format-wise. I like to just tune in to and listen for what kind of format wants to come through, especially as I get clearer about the themes and changes people want to explore.

Whenever I ponder different formats for a course, I get a feel for whether they’re truly right or not. I sometimes run through several different partial match ideas till I feel that the format really does fit the purpose. I’m basically asking, Is this a match for the collective intentional energy?

This 30-day format may seem intense to some. It does to me too – in a good and appealing way. But it really feels like it fits the collective intentional energy too. It makes sense to me that the transformations that people asked for would match up well with a socially immersive approach this time. Some people shared that they have some major social misalignments in their lives, so I think an immersive approach will serve them well. We may need to generate a lot of energy and mutual support to help people get unstuck.

I do feel there are other ways we could do this course, but they wouldn’t match up as well with that collective intentional energy. I did give serious consideration to doing this as another audio course, perhaps with a smaller number of live calls, but that just doesn’t fit the needs and desires that people expressed. I think we’ll be better served by diving into this experience together.

The COVID situation has apparently reduced many people’s social bandwidth and capacity. I just read an article about that this morning – how people who used to socialize a lot but contracted their social lives due the pandemic are trying to open up more this year, but they’re feeling really drained when they try. It’s like they have to start over to build up their social stamina again. It’s much like not exercising for a couple of years and then trying to get back into it. It may take several weeks to train back up again. So here’s the invitation to train up with a 30-day intensive. Consider this a timely invitation to get back into the social game.

There are a lot of people in my audience, outside of CGC, who have zero growth-oriented friends. They have contacts and colleagues, but those relationships lack depth and intimacy. Some are dealing with significant social trust wounds. A lot of people are experiencing some kind of social withdrawal, yet deep down they really want to change that. It just seems like it takes an extraordinary amount of energy to make these shifts alone. So don’t do it alone. Join us and let’s do this together. There’s power in aligning with likeminded people to do transformational work together.

With these kinds of transformations, there’s some strong inertia to overcome for many people. It’s going to take a lot of intention and energy and collective will to help people (who want to) to shift gears and experience what life could be like with more aligned social flow. There are a lot of thorny issues to collectively untangle.

I think this will be the most co-creative course we’ve ever done because, like with DAI, we’re going to come up with the subtopics day by day, always with the intention of helping people get what they want and need from the experience. It’s definitely not going to be a dogmatic course but rather an exploratory and experiential one. There will be lots of sharing and testing of ideas as people discover what works and what doesn’t work for them as social beings. Part of the big picture intention here is to create a psychologically safe space where people can test and explore and stretch themselves in ways that society never gave them the space or permission to do.

I also know that this format won’t be perfectly practical for some people. The timing, intensity, frequency, or duration may not be a fit for their lifestyles. I’m doing what I can to make it as adaptable as possible. This includes recording all the sessions and posting them the same day, like we did with DAI. If people are pressed for time, they can watch the recordings at 2X speed. Since the breakout rooms aren’t recorded, that shaves time off the recorded versions too.

We’ll also be publishing 1-page lesson summaries in an evolving Guild Summary Guild, also on the same days the live lessons occur. So if people just want to skim the key points on busy days, they can do that.

There’s the option for people to approach this as a 30-day challenge by attending every call live, and some 30-day challenges require significant but temporary lifestyle adjustments and possibly some family discussions. It’s up to each person to decide how much they want to prioritize the live session experience relative to potentially competing priorities. There’s no right or wrong choice there – just what’s right for you and the people you care about, right now.

I’m fully committed to facilitating this experience for those who would appreciate it. I’ll bring my best self to this physically, mentally, and emotionally. It feels like a beautiful time to explore this with you.

I’ll put up the official invitation page early next week, but for now I wanted to give you a heads up with the key details, so you can start thinking about whether you want to do this. The Guild course journey will begin at 9am sharp (Pacific time) on April 1, 2022. It’s going to be a fun ride. :grinning:

Share Button

5 Keys to Social Alignment

Posted on by

What is an aligned social circle? When people ponder improving their social lives, what do they actually want?

For the past two weeks, I’ve been reading and taking detailed notes on feedback from some questions that I posed to my email list. I asked people to tell me about their social circles, including what’s working and what isn’t working for them – and especially how they would like to improve or upgrade their social lives and friendship circles.

I spent days pulling out patterns and compressing the key issues to figure out what people really want in this area of life. Eventually I condensed it down to 5 core upgrades that people want to make, and I’m happy to share this now – because these are the changes we’ll be exploring together in the upcoming Guild course.

1. Growth-oriented friends

  • Enjoy dynamic relationships with people who actively seek growth opportunities.
  • Co-invest in helping each other grow, and celebrate your gains together.
  • Connect with people who care about you and who are willing and able to challenge you.
  • Build intimacy with a growth-oriented primary partner.
  • Embrace people who introduce you to fresh ideas and possibilities.
  • Mastermind with your friends on creative and business projects.

The most obvious change that people want to see is more close friendships (and romantic relationships) with others who are very growth-oriented. They want friends who are taking action and at least trying to upgrade their lives. This was so important that some people said they’d still appreciate more growth-oriented friends even if the values alignment wasn’t perfect in other areas.

People expressed disappointment with social circles that are too static, inflexible, and complacent. While some stability is appreciated, many people crave more flow, movement, and dynamism in their friendship circles. Otherwise they feel like they’re being sucked down into a fixed mindset by osmosis.

Multiple people also said they don’t want to be surrounded by those who always agree with them. They want people to challenge them, not necessarily confrontationally, but with exposure to new ideas and new ways of thinking. People want to see more boldness and courage in their friends, and they’re eager to receive some stimulating invites into mutual growth experiences.

2. Full range friendships

  • Replace shallowness with range and depth.
  • Replace mono-dimensional compatibility with multifaceted compatibility (more value per person).
  • Replace lukewarm relationships (“friendly but not friends”) with warm, heart-centered ones.
  • Enjoy holistic body-mind-heart-spirit connections (connect mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually).
  • Invest in like-minded people with similar priorities, values, and interests.
  • Enjoy multiple activities, experiences, and modes of connecting with the same people.

Many people reported struggling with overly compartmentalized relationships. They may have multiple social circles in different spheres such as work, family, online friends, and hobbies, but within each sphere they only connect on a few dimensions.

A common desire was to experience more range and depth in relationships. People don’t want to feel limited to some version of small talk in all of their interactions. They find it dull and tedious to be limited to surface-level communication.

People are busy, and they recognize that they only have time and energy to connect with so many friends and contacts. They don’t necessarily want more connections in terms of numbers, but they want richer and more satisfying connections.

People want friends with whom they can do co-creative projects; business and personal masterminding; and activities like movie nights, game nights, date nights, or travel adventures. And most would like for these to be the same people, so they can really invest in rich, juicy, multi-dimensional relationships.

3. Energizing and rewarding relationships

  • Feel restored and renewed from your social time, not drained.
  • Anticipate social time with enthusiasm and excitement.
  • Enjoy a low-maintenance, self-sustaining flow of desirable invitations.
  • Overcome social malaise and outreach fatigue.
  • Keep your social life fresh and pleasantly stimulating (not boring or overwhelming).
  • Replace a fatiguing invitation or coordination process with an aligned and motivating approach.
  • Enjoy camaraderie and fun with others as a normal part of your lifestyle.
  • Ensure that your social rewards amply justify your social investments.

Outreach or coordination fatigue was a big deal for some people. They’ve run through cycles where they would reach out to connect, and they get some nibbles and some basic interactions, but in the end it often didn’t feel like it was worth the effort. So then they spend more time alone because it’s easier and less draining. Rinse and repeat.

They still can’t help feeling that something is missing and that there must be a better way to create and maintain a vibrant social life that isn’t so taxing.

What people need are relationships and social activities that energize them. They also need more efficient and sustainable ways of managing their social lives. People recognize that a sporadic or half-hearted approach isn’t going to create the results they want. They’re willing to try different approaches, but they also want to see that there’s a reasonable path to success that won’t require an extraordinary investment of energy. There’s a real desire for more social efficiency with better energy flow.

4. Social and personal integration

  • Replace multiple masks with shameless self-expression.
  • Stop compromising to feign compatibility with partial matches or mismatches.
  • Practice discernment to build intimacy with aligned matches.
  • Avoid over-investing in partial matches.
  • Discover the hidden strengths behind social awkwardness.
  • Enjoy forgiving, resilient, anti-fragile relationships (not flakiness or skittishness).
  • Love who you are and who you’re becoming because of your friends.
  • Merge your character growth with your social growth.

People lament having to invest in social “skills” that feel misaligned or having to bend their personalities in different ways to connect with others. They wonder if they need to compromise more or if they just need to find different people to connect with.

What people want here is a more natural, easy-going way of connecting. Perhaps the word I saw people use most often to describe this desire was like-minded. They crave relationships with people who think similarly and who see reality similarly, so they can communicate effectively right out of the gate.

Some people blame their own social deficiencies while others blame the mismatches and partial matches they’ve had to deal with. Some don’t blame anyone and see this as a puzzle to be solved. They all want better solutions to bypass the unsatisfying parts of the social game, so they can get to the other side and experience a home base of like-minded friends and relationship partners. They want people in their lives that they can easily like, love, respect, and appreciate – without feeling like they must overstretch themselves to get there.

People especially want their personal pursuits and their social circles to be pointing in the same direction, so their friends are genuinely helping them grow.

People want friends that they can help as well. Some people noted that without the right friends, they’re missing out on the giving aspect of friendship too.

5. Free-flowing social abundance

  • Develop an abundant yet manageable social moat through which aligned connections bubble up with relative ease.
  • Accept that alignment is often temporary, especially among growth-oriented people.
  • Recognize that as one connection abates, another will soon arise.
  • Upgrade from a mismatch-rich environment to an alignment-rich environment.
  • Replace neediness and social scarcity with a heartset of social abundance.
  • Know how to satisfy your social needs without being needy.

Many people recognize that human relationships are dynamic and that from time to time, a disconnect may happen, and it needn’t be anyone’s fault. Sometimes people grow apart, and that’s okay.

While some people would love to settle into a social circle of 6-10 good friends and leave it at that, others also recognize that a wider moat of social connections will make their lives more active, vibrant, and socially secure. Many people want that home base of really tight friends while also recognizing that a wider circle beyond that has its benefits too. That blend of comfort and variety makes for a really nice combo.

About half of our romantic relationship partners in life flow to us through our network of friends, family, and co-workers. So if you want more social flow, it’s wise to upgrade your extended social network. This can help you move beyond social scarcity, neediness, and clinginess, knowing that you always have plenty of accessible options.

So what do you think? Do these social upgrades sound good to you? Is this something you’d like to explore together during the weeks ahead? Feel free to share any feedback you have about this. I want to make sure that the experience we offer aligns with how you want to grow in this area of life.

I’ll have more info to share about the upcoming Guild course soon. I can say that it’s going to be very interactive – lots of live Zoom calls like we did with Deep Abundance Integration – so you can connect and practice with growth-oriented people. Beyond that I’m still tweaking the format and the bonuses I’d like to include. I always find it best to figure out what kinds of improvements people want to make in their lives, and then I can design the form of a course to match its intended purpose.

For some people it will take courage to enroll in this experience. The feedback made it clear that some people have trust wounds wrapped up in past relationships, and that’s still affecting them today. Some have acknowledged to me that just answering the questions I posed brought up feelings of intense anxiety, fear, or dread. I felt some of that emotional feedback pretty strongly too, like people were broadcasting these emotional waves right into me.

I’ll do my best to facilitate this shared journey with caring, compassion, gentleness, and encouragement. It’s predictable, however, that it’s going to be emotionally intense for some people. As always, every part of it will be consensual – nothing forced and no undue pushing or pressure – so you’ll always get to decide how much to engage and when you may need to step back and regroup.

I think many of us are detecting the common signal, as if life is broadcasting it to us, that now is the right time to invest in upgrading our social lives. For many people this won’t be easy, but I also know that this will be a beautiful and rewarding challenge to undertake together.

Share Button

What Is a Deeper Relationship?

Posted on by

As I’ve been reading through recent feedback emails regarding the upcoming Guild course, I’ve seen various expressions of a desire for “deeper relationships.” What does that actually mean?

Many people shared that their current social circle feels too fragmented. They have their work associates, their family relationships, their online friends, and perhaps a few other networks like for hobbies or fitness. That by itself isn’t a problem, but what people perceive as problematic is that they’re only able to connect with each of these groups with a few limited aspects of their personalities and interests. They feel blocked from expressing their whole and complete selves with anyone.

A related desire that many people expressed was for more “growth-oriented friends.” One of the most common words I saw in people’s emails was the word “like-minded.” People crave social circles with others who have similar values and interests. They’re tired of investing in relationships with people who seem too dissimilar.

I’d say that many people are looking for what we might call full-range friendships. They find it tiresome and draining to have a wide array of relatively shallow connections. I think much of the time when people say they want more depth, what they actually want is more range within the people that they connect with most often. People are tired of investing in low-compatibility connections. They want to see much higher compatibility across multiple interests.

One thing that a lot of people want is a close-knit circle of friends, and within that friendship circle, they want to see a really good range of like-mindedness. Many people prefer not to have so much fragmentation in their social lives. They don’t want activity partners and professional colleagues and romantic connections and mastermind partners and travel buddies and online friends who are all different people. They’d ideally love to invest in people with whom they can connect with across multiple dimensions – like a travel buddy who’s also great at creative and business masterminding and who’s into having rich spiritual discussions and who can go out for a nice vegan meal and a movie together.

Some people would also prefer if their social circles served as a source of romantic and sexual connections too, either directly with one or more of their friends or by finding good matches through their friends’ referrals.

So people want their social circles to provide more value to them, and they especially want to see more value and engagement per person.

Some people said the ideal size of their primary social circles was relatively small, typically in the range of 6-10 people. Some also want to see a nice gender balance in their friendships, especially if their current social circles feel imbalanced.

Most people don’t really want large social circles. Some lamented that their social circles already feel too big and complex, and they have a hard time keeping up with everyone. Others shared that they have no meaningful social circle to speak of yet, and they don’t want to shift towards something huge and expansive. They’d simply love to have a tight-knit group of friends that they can connect with regularly.

Another factor I saw expressed was what someone described as outreach fatigue or coordination fatigue. Some people serve as the main hubs of their social circles, and if they don’t keep actively inviting people and planning activities, nothing happens. This becomes exhausting after a while. Many people would prefer to have more resilient, self-maintaining social circles. People also want the option to socially engage sometimes and disengage at other times, so they can enjoy some solo time as well when they need it.

So when people say that they want deeper relationships, it’s a whole package of desires. The specifics are different for each person, but there does seem to be a common core of people wanting high-efficiency, full-range relationships. This is better for people’s energy. It’s better for their happiness. And it’s better for fitting into people’s busy lives.

This makes a lot of sense to me, and it aligns nicely with my own social development path. The social expansiveness that came from blogging and speaking has been rewarding, but it can be tiring to keep up with so many casual connections if I overdo it. This made me want to compact my social circle, both online and offline, and spend more time connecting with people who have a lot in common. And I can tell you that this works very well. It’s more relaxing, peaceful, and chill, and it feels more heart-aligned too. That said, I still enjoy phases of meeting and connecting with a lot of different people, but I see that more as the frosting on top of the cake.

The good news is that if a close-knit group of friends is what you want, you can create that, and we’ll be working on this together in the upcoming Guild course. However, it should be obvious that if you’re not there yet, you’ll need to start making different decisions socially.

I’d say that a good place to start is to reflect upon what it means to have deeper relationships with people. What does that actually mean? Is depth really the best word to describe what you want, or are you really looking for more compatibility or more range or more efficiency or more resilience in your individual relationships? I can help you get more clarity about this during the course, but I encourage you to start thinking about this now. What kind of social circle would you love to experience as your personal friendship guild?

Share Button

101 Reframes for a Richer Social Life

Posted on by

Yesterday I brainstormed a list of reframes that I’ve found useful at various times for exploring a better social life. I shared this in the Conscious Growth Club forums and felt that it would be nice to share it here as well.

A frame (or reframe) is a way of looking at reality and assigning meaning to events and experiences, similar to an attitude or perspective.

A frame is not a belief. You don’t have to believe a frame to use it effectively. Much like any hardware tool such as a hammer or drill, you can use a frame for a short time and release it again when you’re done.

Here’s the list. Skim through it, and consider what testing some of these reframes could do for your relationships and social life. Feel free to modify them to better suit your situation and goals.

  1. I don’t need to break the ice with anyone since there is no ice.
  2. Treat people like we’re already friends, and we probably will become so.
  3. I’m holding an open and receptive vibe.
  4. Opportunities to connect are everywhere.
  5. Statements are often better than questions.
  6. People don’t need to fear a harsh rejection from me.
  7. If I’m not interested, I will let people down easy.
  8. I’m more socially comfortable than most people. I needn’t worry about my comfort. It’s better to focus on theirs.
  9. Most people want to have quality connections with others.
  10. We’re all a part of life.
  11. We’re a lot more alike than we are different.
  12. I have a lot to offer people intellectually, emotionally, conversationally, etc.
  13. I like it when people are friendly with me.
  14. All of this is temporary – this life, these people, these experiences, this planet – all of it.
  15. I’m here because all of my ancestors had sex.
  16. An approach that lands horribly with one person might absolutely delight another.
  17. [When speaking in front of a group] The audience and I are on the same side since we all want to have a good experience.
  18. Humor and music are great for helping people bond and harmonize.
  19. I laugh every day.
  20. What’s interesting about this person?
  21. If I satisfy people’s expectations, they won’t remember much. People remember the unexpected.
  22. What’s my intention for this interaction?
  23. My intentions are good.
  24. I like myself. What would be the point in not liking myself? That would only fragment my mind.
  25. I have many voices within me. One job of my conscious mind is to create harmony among them.
  26. It’s not my own nervousness or anxiety that I’m feeling. It’s coming from other people. How can I put them at ease?
  27. Sharing the parts I most want to hide can be the best way to connect with people.
  28. I’ll keep getting better with practice.
  29. My future self has already figured this out.
  30. My future self already has this skill.
  31. My future self is perfectly comfortable in this situation.
  32. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.
  33. If God made me and then objects to how I choose to live, God’s an ass and unworthy of my respect.
  34. I will never really know how this reality works at a base level.
  35. More is possible.
  36. I’m here to learn and grow.
  37. Women choose me first and drop clues if they’re interested. The best matches come when I recognize this.
  38. The easiest way to see if I have good physical chemistry with a woman is when we kiss.
  39. Many people tend to be very concerned about judgment. If I can put them at ease about that, they’ll be far more open and honest.
  40. I can trust my intuition.
  41. It’s easy for people to trust me.
  42. People love to tell me things they don’t feel comfortable telling anyone else, including their spouses, since they know I won’t judge them for it.
  43. My social path is invariably going to be unique and creative.
  44. The best models and frames are the ones I figure out for myself. I can learn bits and pieces from others, but I still have to personalize them to play to my strengths.
  45. The point of life is to appreciate the heck out of it.
  46. Whatever I do that leads to rejection from one direction also spins up fresh invitations from another direction.
  47. Make it easy for the misaligned to reject me.
  48. When people reject me, they’re doing me a favor, freeing up my energy to explore better sources of alignment.
  49. As long as I keep exploring and setting aligned intentions for connecting, I’m never really going to need to worry about being alone.
  50. The more honest I can be about my desires and intentions, the easier it is for good matches to recognize me.
  51. I like what I like.
  52. What’s stopping me from sharing this intention publicly?
  53. I want a social circle that’s richly abundant in mutual appreciation.
  54. Look for alignment at the level of intention first.
  55. One reason that non-procreative sex exists is that it’s good for communication pathways, which creates stronger and healthier communities. When people have sex, they’re more likely to talk to each other.
  56. I feel compersion for others when they get what they want.
  57. It feels amazing to help people surpass me. Then I can learn from them too. Isn’t that the basis of fabulous friendship and teamwork?
  58. It’s fun to make people feel good.
  59. Life is an endless flow of invitations.
  60. I feel right at home here.
  61. If someone is getting better or easier results, they’re likely using more effective frames than me. What are those frames? How could I learn them and then test them?
  62. I absolutely must avoid framing myself into a corner. It’s critical to keep the reframing pathways open and flexible.
  63. My long-term happiness and fulfillment must really piss off my critics.
  64. If I ever feel a bit disconnected or confused, an easy way to feel reintegrated into the positive flow of life is to share something with the purest of intentions, such as by writing a new article with the desire to help someone out there who might appreciate it.
  65. People have beauty within them that longs to be seen and acknowledged.
  66. There’s a lesson in every social experience.
  67. Fun is my birthright.
  68. People tend to gravitate toward people who are having fun since they know they’ll enjoy themselves too if bonded with similar people.
  69. Fun is directly proportional to learning.
  70. My highest destiny is to be myself, fully and completely.
  71. I am assembling my own social reality right here, right now. The quality of that reality depends on how much truth I can stand while creating it.
  72. I am beautiful in my own unique way, even when people disagree with me or don’t like what I do (or say) to them; therefore, their approval is not a prerequisite for living life the way that feels right and best to me.
  73. This moment is perfectly designed as it is right now, as all moments in the past and future are too. There’s nothing to fix or change, other than trying to stop resisting this moment.
  74. I don’t need to live up to anyone else’s standards (no matter how high they might be). All that matters is living up to my own values and standards that I’ve chosen for myself when it comes to me being true and genuine – that’s all the approval I’ll ever need because it’s self-approval and thus unconditional and limitless in scope.
  75. When I open up space for new things to enter into my life, I’m open to new opportunities that will benefit me in some way.
  76. Maintaining good boundaries is essential for allowing the best matches to continue showing up in my life.
  77. Abundance isn’t about how much stuff I have or how many people are chasing me; it’s about my energy level and willingness to explore new ideas and opportunities with others who share compatible levels of curiosity and enthusiasm.
  78. The world is filled with beautiful surprises just waiting to be discovered at every moment!
  79. I don’t have to waste my time on people if they don’t appreciate how awesome I am, because there are so many other people who would love to have me as their friend or companion, and they’re out there right now waiting for me to find them!
  80. The more clarity I have about who I really am and what I want, the more energy flows through this path toward its ultimate destination of an awesome life experience or manifestation in physical reality!
  81. The more fun I have, the easier everything gets!
  82. The more people can successfully talk about their goals and desires without encountering the usual knee-jerk shaming, the more likely they are to achieve them.
  83. I don’t really need anyone else’s permission to get what I want out of life.
  84. Any person who rejects me is simply an opportunity for me to learn how not to connect with that type in the future, which will make it far easier for me to connect with others instead.
  85. Negativity is a gift from the universe that tells me which intentions no longer serve my highest good at this time.
  86. I can always tell when something isn’t working by how much resistance I encounter doing it. If there’s lots of resistance then I know to stop and let go of that pattern immediately!
  87. When people are right for me, they really do show up as if by magic – and then disappear once their purpose has been completed too (after which point it doesn’t make sense to try to contact them). They’re right for me when they give me the experiences I’m looking to learn from – and then poof, they’re gone.
  88. We are all interconnected through invisible threads of social energy. When we create positive interactions with others, our own well-being is enhanced as well as theirs, because there is only one of us here!
  89. It feels fabulous to make an effort and know it’s appreciated by someone else. That appreciation returns back to me in a ripple effect called karma that often brings other people into my life who appreciate me too!
  90. The best way for an interaction to go poorly is for me to try and force something that just isn’t going to happen naturally or easily between us.
  91. The only way people are going to find out about my desires and intentions is if I tell them directly, clearly, and vulnerably up front, rather than expecting them somehow to read my mind weeks into the future.
  92. If I want to be liked, it means I’m not taking good enough care of myself.
  93. The more clearly defined / specific my desires and intentions, the easier time people will have understanding what they are and how to interact with me accordingly (and vice versa).
  94. People will only ever invite me into their lives if there’s something in it for them too.
  95. The more I can enjoy the moment, the more I’m able to give my full energy out into it and pick up on what other people want as well.
  96. I allow myself the freedom to be a dancing monkey and also a wise old sage according to what being a dancing monkey or being a wise old sage requires of me at any given time – because both are natural for me – and it takes zero energy away from either role to play the other as well.
  97. This person is already seeing parts of me they like.
  98. This person knows exactly what I am and isn’t sure what to do about it yet.
  99. The most important thing in life is love and connection among people who mutually respect one another, who like each other enough to be open with each other without fear of rejection or betrayal.
  100. Even if I don’t have much to say, I can still offer people energy.
  101. It’s okay to be weird!

In truth I only wrote up the first 65 reframes on the list above. Some of those I learned and adapted from other people, and some I figured out on my own.

I did not, however, write reframes 66-101. Those were all AI-generated. I fed my original list of 65 into an AI creative writing tool based on GPT-3, and I had it generate many more related reframes. Then I filtered out the weakest ones, keeping those I found most interesting. Did you notice a difference when you passed #65 on the list? One difference I noticed is that AI likes using exclamations marks a lot more than I do. It also seems a bit wordier in expressing itself.

I found some of the AI-generated reframes pretty interesting. For instance, #92 on the list is an interesting take on self-care, suggesting that if you’re concerned about being liked by others, maybe this points to a deficiency in your own self-care routine. Perhaps if you took better care of yourself, you’d be less concerned about being liked, and you’d probably come off as more naturally likable too.

Note that reframes are not truths; they’re just perspectives, so we can test and try them out to see what they do for us – no belief necessary.

Ponder some of the social reframes on this list, and pull out or highlight the ones that seem most interesting to you. Then give them a test next time you find yourself engaging in some type of social interaction. When you use a good reframe, you’ll find yourself behaving a bit differently, and that can shift the results you experience.

Share Button

Sad But True, Couples Who Meet Online Are More Likely To Divorce

Posted on by
Reply

How did you meet your partner? Chances may be, online. But if you’re planning to get married, there may be some bad news in store.

Couples who meet online are more likely to divorce in the first stages of marriage, according to a survey.

The charity Marriage Foundation found that divorce is six times more likely for those who met through dating apps and other online forms compared to people who met at university or through friends and family.

But don’t fret too much – the statistics for getting divorced are actually pretty low.

LeoPatrizi via Getty Images

The charity’s research of 2,000 married couples found that people who met online since the year 2000 had a 12% chance of getting divorced in the first year of marriage. In comparison, the figure was much lower for people who met socially – with a possibility of 2%.

But, just in case you were about to get cold feet, remember that a 12% chance of divorce isn’t particularly high – it’s just that others have a lower chance of separating.

The reason being for the vast difference may be our social connections, said The Marriage Foundation.

When people meet via friends and family, their social networks support them through the initial stages – your loved ones are likely to introduce you to people who have some interests and common ground.

In contrast, couples who meet online have relatively limited information about one another, and this may result in their later demise.

Harry Benson, the research director at Marriage Foundation, said the results are “troubling”.

“It suggests that in the early years of marriage, couples who meet this way might lack sufficient social capital or close support networks around them to deal with all the challenges they face when compared to those who met via friends, family or neighbours,” he said.

“Over time this disparity disappears, but the question is why does it exist in the first place?”

Savanta ComRes, the market research consultancy which carried out the survey, said online couples have a disadvantage as they have to start from scratch.

They said: “Our findings in no way undermines or diminishes the vital role of online dating. But it does highlight the greater risks and difficulties of getting to know a relative stranger where reliable sources of background information and subsequent social support are less readily available.”

Share Button

Enthusiastic Consent

Posted on by

When you invite someone to have a shared experience together, professionally or personally, and consent is given grudgingly, this tells you that the invitation isn’t very aligned. Even if you’re ostensibly getting a yes, there are probably some unresolved objections behind that yes, so you’re getting a compromised version of a yes.

This in itself is another layer of invitation for you to unpack. Do you want to move forward with the consent you received, or do you want to go for a more aligned form of consent?

This isn’t a trick question. Sometimes you may be fine with the consent you received, especially if the invitation is fairly simple. It may not be worth the effort to aim for a more aligned version, especially if the consequences are minor either way. A grudging yes may be good enough in some situations.

Sometimes, however, you may not want to settle for a compromised yes. You may want to aim for a higher standard and go for a true win-win, such as by changing the offer or by addressing and resolving objections. And if you can’t reach win-win, then you may prefer to declare “no deal” and withdraw the offer,

One nice indicator that you have a real yes from the other person is that consent is given not plainly but enthusiastically. This is a pretty good sign that the other person likes your invitation. Such a response or the lack thereof is not, however, a reflection on the quality or overall generosity of your offer. It’s just a reflection of the other person’s emotional alignment with your offer.

Some people aren’t very emotionally expressive, so the lack of expressed enthusiasm isn’t necessarily a sign that your invitation isn’t landing well. But the presence of an enthusiastic response is generally a good sign.

Enthusiasm as a Minimum Standard

Consider where it might be useful to look for enthusiastic consent as your minimum standard when it comes to following through with action in some areas. Consider where you might want to interpret resistant consent as a no.

You can apply this standard both to invitations you give, so you’re looking to see if other people respond enthusiastically, and to invitations you receive, so you’re gauging your own level of enthusiasm.

If you or someone else says yes to an invitation but without much enthusiasm, you’re probably looking at a partial match situation. While partial matches may provide some secondary gains now and then, they can also clutter your life and block full matches from coming through.

Are there any areas of life where it may be worthwhile to consider enthusiasm as a minimum standard rather than a nice-to-have?

One area is creative work. It’s easier to flow into action when the enthusiasm is there. If I get a creative idea, such as for a new article or course, but I’m not feeling much enthusiasm for it, I’m inclined to dismiss it as a partial match idea. The idea may still be good, but it’s not necessarily good for me at that time. I often get ideas that I reject due to a lack of personal enthusiasm, and this keeps the door open for more aligned ideas to come through. I find it better to keep my energy free and unattached instead of occupying it with partial matches.

Another area is doing anything romantic, playful, sexual, or adventurous with another person. Enthusiastic consent is a worthwhile standard to aim for, especially since the quality of the experience will probably depend on some mutual enthusiasm. You may even want to look for 4D consent, so there’s a positive response from the body, mind, heart, and spirit.

I’ve noticed that even if I’m initially enthusiastic about an invitation, but the other person clearly isn’t, their response effectively takes the wind out of my sails. Then I often feel it’s best to invite someone else, to make a different invitation, to invite something similar but at a later time, or to let the idea go.

Crafting Better Offers

If you raise your standard for the type of response you want to see, this challenges you to get better at crafting offers. This usually requires getting better at understanding people and making the offer more aligned for them.

One area where I see a lot of people fall flat is when they’re looking for a job. This is a form of invitation. You’re offering your services to a potential employer. Many people bemoan the unenthusiastic responses they receive, both as potential employers and employees. And many are willing to accept a grudging yes. Could that willingness to accept a grudging yes be part of the problem?

Consider that if you’ve already decided that a grudging yes is good enough, you probably won’t put as much effort into crafting a quality offer. But this also lowers your chances of getting any kind of yes.

Imagine how much better your offers might be if you held yourself to the standard of “enthusiastic consent or no deal.” Would you be more likely to land a good job if this is your minimum standard? I’d say yes.

I have received a lot of crappy and misaligned offers over the years, both personally and professionally, and I think one reason is that these offers have come from people who are willing to accept any kind of yes, even a very grudging or resistant yes. They aren’t even trying to meet the standard of win-win. If they were, they’d seek to craft a more personalized offer.

Personalizing Your Invitations

One of the best ways to aim for the higher standard of enthusiastic consent is to make less generic and more personalized invitations. Learn what would create a win for the other person before you think about crafting an invitation or offer.

For instance, before you show up for a job interview, do you already have a pretty good idea of what kind of candidate would receive an enthusiastic yes? Do you feel that what you’re able to offer has a decent likelihood of being met with enthusiastic consent? If not, then why are you wasting their time by showing up with a weak offer? At best you’ll get a partial match. Is that really what you want? Won’t it be easier to get hired if you aim for the standard of enthusiastic consent?

Enthusiastic consent may seem like a higher standard to meet, but it’s also an easier standard in a way. Aiming for this standard helps you elevate the quality of your offers and invitations, so you’re more likely to get an aligned yes in response. This standard helps you steer clear of the energy-sucking swamp of partial matches. It helps you craft better offers.

Share Button

Aligned Solutions

Posted on by

Aligning your life can be very challenging. By alignment I’m referring to harmonious interactions among your:

  • thoughts
  • feelings
  • frames / perspectives
  • lifestyle
  • living situation
  • relationships
  • values
  • desires
  • goals
  • intentions
  • work
  • finances
  • health
  • body
  • family
  • friendships
  • social life
  • personality

We all have misalignments to deal with in one of more areas of life. Are you actively engaged in correcting those misalignments to create greater harmony? Or do you let misalignments fester?

Misalignments have a tendency to multiply. They’re like clutter. Once we start tolerating a little bit, pretty soon we have a lot more to deal with. Letting this happen can make your life feel very burdensome after a while.

Fixing Misalignments

Sometimes I feel like the majority of my personal growth work (on the personal side, not the professional side) has been mainly about correcting misalignments in my life. Notice what areas of life aren’t working for me, and really fix them. A big step here is to define what a genuine fix looks like.

This began with misalignments like being raised Catholic and finding that totally wrong for me. It was a long journey to figure out my own philosophy of life that was honest and real for me – and that made me much happier.

I had to deal with a lot of misalignments between my desires and the kinds of results I was getting. I had to keep trying different frames and approaches to figure out how to connect the dots. The biggest challenge here was finding ways to take action that really fit my personality and natural motivations. This took me in some interesting directions. For instance, I initially thought that success would be a good motivator for me, but it really wasn’t. I actually get more motivational juice from caring, compassion, playfulness, fun, and creativity. I ended up experiencing more success when I gave myself permission to approach life and business with a lighter, more open, and more playful heart.

I was pretty bad at trying to earn money as a goal unto itself. I could never get my emotions to be that excited about it. I learned to be happy when I was broke, so I know that having more money won’t make me meaningfully happier. Hence it’s very hard to get myself to emotionally care about making more money. But I was able to increase my income by approaching this more like a game, whereby I focused on the creativity, the fun, the connection, and the playfulness.

Finding and Reducing Friction

I’d say that the heart is really the key to alignment. My biggest alignment mistakes happened when I tried to use my brain to go against my feelings. If my feelings aren’t aligned with what I’m trying to do, that kills my plans dead. Doing anything interesting in life requires sustainable motivation. So figuring out what gives you the most sustainable motivational juice can point you in the direction of increasing alignment too.

Life can easily fill up with friction that drains motivation. Many people in this field will advise you to push through that friction. Be tough. Discipline yourself. I used to think that way too, but not anymore. Discipline can be an okay short-term tool, but it’s not very sustainable. Pushing through friction is like repeatedly running a machine that’s making a grinding sound that isn’t supposed to be there. If you keep pushing through, you’ll cause some kind of damage. A better approach is to find what’s causing that friction, and solve that problem. Then run the machine smoothly and sustainably. Keep it well-maintained.

I’ve spent many years of my life looking at the friction in my life, which can be hard to face. I had friction in my relationships, my family life, my business, my income streams, and more. I think one of the best personal growth skills I’ve developed over the past few decades has been the willingness to look for friction and to really resolve it, even if it takes many years to do so.

I look at areas where my life isn’t working as well as I think it could. Then I start looking for sources of friction. What’s stopping me from experiencing the aligned flow I’d really like to experience in this part of life?

Just a machine with a friction problem may create excess heat or noise, you’re body will do something similar when you experience alignment problems. You won’t feel so good emotionally. Your heart will squawk at you.

Negative emotions are great pointers to sources of friction. Wherever you find negative feelings, you’ll find friction that’s getting in the way of greater alignment. That friction is also an invitation to solve a bigger problem.

Building Motivational Energy

I think the reason we’re so often hesitant to look in these places is that when we see the truth, it’s really hard to unsee it, and then we have to admit that we have a lot of work to do to fix these problems. But that attitude itself is a further symptom of being too tolerant of misalignments. It means we’ve let those misalignments drain us way too much, so now we lack the motivation and willingness to identify and fix problems that can be fixed. Just looking at our problems seems like it takes too much energy.

It’s not that the problems are so difficult. It’s that you’ve weakened yourself by letting the presence of these problems grind you down, like metal scraping on metal for too long inside a machine. So you aren’t functioning at your best, and that makes it harder to do repairs on your life.

I’ve noticed that as I correct major misalignments, I feel more motivated to fix even more of them. I feel more willing to look for resistance and to delve into the misalignments that cause friction. It is a lot of work to fix them sometimes, but it’s just so worth it. The more problems you fix, the more capable you become of solving even more problems.

There were times when I felt tremendously buried under a big pile of misalignments, and it took me a long time to dig my way out of them. It’s especially hard when the misalignments are sapping your motivation to want to deal with them. Sometimes you just have to chip away at them little by little with whatever motivation you do have. The key in those situations is to stop making the situation worse by allowing even more misalignments to pile up. And then start working on the most accessible problems that could free up some stuck energy when resolved. The more energy you can free up, the more you can leverage that extra energy to fix more misalignments.

The benefit of resolving misalignments is that then you have even more energy to create some wonderful alignments instead. It’s easier to pursue and create what you want when you aren’t so overburdened with sources of friction. It’s hard to take consistent forward action when you have so much energy bottled up in misalignments.

Lightening Up

Solving alignment problems can create a wonderful feeling of lightness.

My heart feels very light, open, and free-flowing these days. I don’t feel clogged with heaviness. Emotionally I feel like my life has been the equivalent of a gentle smile this year – pretty calm and peaceful but also content, happy, satisfied, and appreciative.

From this emotional state, it’s easy to be very productive too. I really enjoy the work I get to do. I like and appreciate the people I get to work with, especially in Conscious Growth Club. I like my business model, which feels very heart-aligned to me. I get paid for creating courses, coaching, and otherwise helping people improve their lives. It feels very win-win, very fair, and very abundant. But I had to say no to a lot of partial matches to reach this point, and partial matches can be very seductive sometimes.

I love and appreciate my relationship with Rachelle. It’s wonderful to spend so much time with a woman who’s my lover and my best friend. It’s nice to be in a relationship that includes an abundance of daily laughter, physical affection, and emotional support. Perhaps we have an unusual relationship, but it works for us.

I love being vegan since that works for me too. I must have eaten about 200 salads so far this year since I’m doing a year of raw, but somehow I haven’t gotten bored with them. I seem to have fallen in love with salads and look forward to at least one each day. I think that eating lighter foods has helped me feel emotionally lighter as well, but this way of eating also makes it extra difficult to tolerate misalignments. It’s very hard to feel good emotionally while eating raw if misalignments are allowed to fester because the emotional sensitivity is increased.

Unlearning Misaligned Solutions

A big part of this path has involved unloading from my mind the many misaligned ideas that I learned from other people.

A misaligned idea is a solution of sorts, but it’s not a very good solution. Misaligned solutions create negative side effects. Aligned solutions tend to create positive side effects.

I was taught that certain religious ideas are true, and then I discovered that they were neither true nor effective. Religion attempts to solve some problems, but it creates a lot of negative side effects as well. It’s a misaligned solution. It took some years, but I eventually replaced those ideas when a more truth-aligned and heart-aligned approach to life, the universe, and everything. And I don’t need to go to Church and sit through boring masses. I don’t need to kneel and eat wafers. I don’t need to turn frames into beliefs and wrap them into my identity.

I was taught that humans are superior to animals and therefore it’s okay to treat animal as products. We’re entitled to their bodies. We can just take their eggs and milk if we want. We can cage them, rape them, take their lives, and eat their flesh. It’s okay because we’re smarter and stronger. We’re special; they’re not. This is just how it’s supposed to be. Animals and meant to be sold at supermarkets and restaurants. Their flesh, milk, and eggs are part of our economy, just like any other commercial goods. We own them. They’re born as products, and they die as products.

Just typing those words regarding my old misaligned relationship with animals makes me feel nauseous. That way of thinking looks utterly wrong and ridiculous when I type it up, but how many people bother to type up these misalignments and take a real look at them? If you relate to animals as products – which you clearly do if you pay for their body parts, milk, or eggs – how does that sit with you? How does that mesh with your self-image and values? Does this feel aligned to you? Do you feel good about this relationship? Or is there friction in it?

I had so much trapped energy in that messed up relationship with animals in the past, but I wasn’t willing to look at it till I flowed towards a more aligned relationship with animals. I feel sad for how I treated them in the past. I was much too violent and too willfully ignorant, but I pretended I wasn’t. When I stopped relating to animals as products, I grew to appreciate them in a much more aligned way.

I grew up with the expectation that I was supposed to have a job and be loyal to some corporation. A boss was supposed to tell me what to do most days. I could have the weekends to recover and do some personal stuff. My obedience would be rewarded. I could never stomach going in that direction though – way too much friction. I still had to work through a lot of friction to go the independent creator path, but I saw a light at the end of that tunnel, and now I get to bask in that light on a daily basis. I didn’t see a light at the end of the corporate path other than eventually escaping from it to do something more free-flowing and creative.

It’s interesting that society gives us so many ready-made solutions – that suck. The pursuit of alignment is really about finding solutions that don’t suck. A misaligned solution sucks away your energy, your motivation, and your happiness. Aligned solutions give you energy, motivation, and happiness. Aligned solutions give you access to cleaner and more sustainable fuel sources, so they’re less expensive in the long run.

Choosing Alignment

To choose alignment it’s important to stop choosing misalignment. Stop going for the partial match; don’t be so easily seduced by it. Set your standards higher on the full match. Stop tolerating the sound of metal grinding on metal as the gears of your life are turning. When you hear that grinding sound, learn to stop immediately, find the source of the problem, and do what it takes to fix it. Then flip the switch back on.

It’s not enough to say that you’re choosing alignment while you’re still wallowing in partial matches. You can intend and ask for alignment all you want, but life is keen to observe when you’re still tolerating partial matches. Showing up to partial matches is a powerful expression of your intention too, and life hears that loud and clear, perhaps even more loudly than your stated intentions to outgrow those patterns.

You don’t just intend with your mind, your heart, and your spirit. You intend with your body as well. Whatever you show up to is part of your intention as well. If you really want to express a different intention in an aligned way, put your body into it as well. This means withdrawing your body’s presence from partial matches. Otherwise if your body keeps showing up for partial matches, it will drag your mind, heart, and spirit right along with it.

If you’re gonna say no to a partial match, make it a 4D no. Decline the partial match with your body, mind, heart, and spirit. That’s a real no – an aligned no. Any less than this, and you’re still saying yes to a partial match. Note that a 1D, 2D, or 3D no is equivalent to a 3D, 2D, or 1D yes, respectively.

You can’t fool or fake alignment. Either you’re saying a 4D yes to it, or you’re remaining in partial match land.

Share Button

Your Relationship With Your Alarm Clock

Posted on by

If you use an alarm clock to wake up in the morning, think about relationship you’d like to create with your alarm clock. What would be the healthiest and happiest version of that relationship for you?

If you were an alarm clock, what kind of relationship would you want to have with your human?

For instance, maybe your alarm clock would appreciate it if you’d pat it on the head now and then and say, “Thanks for waking me up today. I appreciate you!”

How would your alarm clock feel about being put across the room and kept at a distance from you? How would it feel if you groaned when it sounded off?

How would your alarm clock feel if you kept using the snooze feature? Would it potentially lose respect for you?

Have you ever thought about the kind of relationship you’d like to have with your alarm clock? How would you like to feel towards it, and how would you like to imagine that it feels towards you?

I normally use an alarm clock to wake up in the morning, set for 5am. I never use the snooze alarm since that wouldn’t help me experience the kind of relationships I want to have – with my alarm clock, with myself, and with the start of my day.

I like relating to my alarm clock on the basis of mutual trust and mutual respect. My alarm clock is my buddy who helps me start the day at the time of my choosing. It’s very reliable. I like knowing that I can trust it to sound off when I tell it.

If my intention was to get up at a certain time, and I didn’t just leave the alarm set by mistake, then it’s important to get up to honor that relationship. If I can trust that my alarm will sound off, I also want my alarm to trust me too – to trust that I’ll get up when I intended to get up.

While it may sound odd to have a relationship with an inanimate object, you’re already doing that anyway. Some patch of neurons in your brain is already storing your associations to your alarm clock. Like it or not, that relationship exists in your mind, and it will continue to exist. So you already have some stored thoughts and feelings towards your alarm clock. Do those thoughts and feelings serve you well? Or could you modify how you’re framing that relationship make it better?

If you’re going to have a relationship with your alarm clock in your mind anyway, why not make it what you want it to be? Make it a relationship that serves you well. Make it a relationship that helps you get the results you want.

If your relationship with your alarm clock is dysfunctional, do you really think that will help you create and maintain highly functional habits? How is that going to be good for your day’s startup routine?

For me a good relationship with any device involves trust, respect, and appreciation. I don’t want to use devices that I don’t trust, respect, and appreciate. Especially if it’s the first device that connects me with my day, I really want that to be a positive and uplifting relationship. If the very first sound I hear to begin my day immediately links me with a negative emotion, a downer thought, or a corrupted relationship, well… that’s a stupid relationship then, isn’t it? How is that possibly going to do me any good, especially if I let that relationship wallow unfixed for years?

If you have a messed up relationship with your alarm clock – or with however you like to begin your day – I invite you to fix that relationship. Start by making a real decision about what kind of relationship you’d like to have. Then go have a little talk with your alarm clock to share your thoughts and feelings about the kind of relationship you’d like to create with it. Imagine that it’s listening to you attentively, and then listen internally for what it wants to see from you.

Imagine creating a truly win-win relationship here. Consider what kind of relationship your alarm clock would love to have with you. What does it want from you? What kinds of behaviors would it like to see from you? How would it like to be treated? You might think that this is taking the idea a bit far, but I encourage you to think along these lines anyway since it can help you get clarity about the right kind of relationship for you.

I have a very positive relationship with my alarm clock. I can get up right away when it goes off and leverage it for a good start to my day. I’ve never put it across the room. I’ve never used the snooze alarm. I like and respect my alarm clock. I honor its purpose in my life. I appreciate what it does for me. I don’t have to burden myself with a negative relationship that I might drag forward into all of my future years. This relationship is all in my mind anyway, so it’s my choice what to make of it. Why not assert your freedom of choice here as well?

If it helps you get up feeling a little happier and a little more enthusiastic to imagine that your alarm clock is proud of you… or to imagine that your alarm clock likes being appreciated by you… that’s all good. Feeling appreciation is wonderful, so why not give yourself any reason to begin your day with that sort of feeling? Use your imagination to help you here. Don’t let a lack of imagination cage you in a negative relationship.

What is your version of a golden relationship with your alarm clock? What would that look like? What thoughts and feelings would you like to bring to this relationship? Whatever it is, you can create that relationship. But it sure helps tremendously if you take a moment to consciously decide what that relationship is going to be.

Share Button

Alignment and Diversity

Posted on by

For the annual launch of Conscious Growth Club last month, I mentioned before that I focused on alignment instead of growth. I deliberately avoided investing in obvious pathways to growth that might attract members who wouldn’t be so well aligned with CGC’s values and culture. Interestingly, CGC grew in size by about 20%, and CGC’s internal diversity increased as well. CGC has become more internationally diverse with members from 26 countries this year. It has become more diverse in terms of members of different ethnicities, colors, and cultures. And it has more LGBTQ members than ever before.

One thing I did differently this year was that I added this short qualification list to the CGC invitation page to help potential members decide if they’re a good fit for CGC.

To qualify for a CGC membership, you must:

Be able to get along with people in a diverse online community. Keep CGC free of personal attacks as well as racist, sexist, anti-LGBTQ, or otherwise demeaning communication.

Respect members’ privacy. The personal growth work we do inside CGC can involve discussing private and intimate details that members don’t want shared beyond CGC.

Accept members’ varied personal growth journeys. CGC includes many vegans, LGBTQ members, members exploring open relationships, and more. We welcome such diversity. It’s a CGC rule to give forum topics clear titles, so members who prefer to avoid certain topics can easily do so.

Not have been a Trump voter or supporter in the 2020 U.S. election. CGC is a Trump-free zone. The behavior of voting for Trump or supporting his platform (for any reason) is sufficient to disqualify someone from being a match for CGC’s values, culture, and diverse international membership. Moreover, I am unwilling to coach such people; it’s a personal boundary issue.

Out of curiosity, how many Trump supporters do you think complained about the last item above? The answer was actually zero, which didn’t surprise me. It doesn’t make much sense that any Trump supporters would want to join CGC anyway since their values are so divergent from ours. This statement isn’t really about them since they aren’t likely to be attracted to my work. The intent is to let qualified members know what they won’t have to deal with inside CGC, which is a benefit to some people.

Diversity is actually not one of CGC’s core values. Alignment is. For a group like CGC to function well, it’s good to have some diversity, but not at the cost of alignment. This is because members in the group tend to form strong relationships with each other, and for that to happen, we need a base level of strong compatibility around shared values.

Think of this like getting involved in any other kind of human relationship. Compatibility matters. Your compatibility with another person gives you a strong base of connection. Then it’s good to have lots of variety around that core compatibility. That keeps you interested and engaged in the relationship. Diversity provides ample opportunities to learn and grow together. So what you want is diversity within alignment, not diversity ahead of alignment.

To put diversity ahead of alignment would be like dating totally random people with no concerns about compatibility. That may be interesting as a temporary experience, but you’re unlikely to find a good match that way. You’ll probably end up with lots of blah or creepy experiences, or you may feel that you have to lower your alignment standards to have a good experience.

By putting alignment ahead of diversity, we can say that we welcome anti-racist but not racist behavior in CGC. We can say that we’ll maintain an LGBTQ-friendly and a vegan-friendly culture inside, which means we’re not going to permit an opposing culture to take root.

Would it be more pro-diversity to invite people with opposing values to join the club too? Perhaps, but it would also be a ridiculously bad idea – completely at odds with our purpose. In order to help each other grow, we need a strong enough base of compatibility to actually want to help each other. CGC works best when members help each other willingly, not grudgingly. We want to go for genuine caring, not tolerance (which is resistance to love). And interestingly, one thing that helps us align with this purpose is knowing that we’re also working against opposing forces elsewhere in the world.

Inside the club we can create a unique safe haven that’s strongly protected from those opposing societal influences. CGC is a unique cultural island in that sense. There are a lot of societal pressures that we don’t have to deal with inside. And that’s because we focus on maintaining a certain kind of alignment around shared values, and then we welcome diversity within that alignment (but not outside of it).

In this kind of environment, people thrive. They get to access and experience parts of themselves that had been previously suppressed. They can drop the masks that they no longer need. Internally they’re able to discover more diversity within themselves as well. Finding strong social alignment open the door to such inner diversity.

What’s also interesting is that when we have this core social base of high-alignment connections in our lives, we can handle a lot more diversity beyond our values. The rest of the world’s misalignments become less upsetting and aren’t so disempowering when we feel so empowered to invest in what matters to us.

I don’t think it’s necessary (or even wise) to reach out and build a bridge to people whose values are very misaligned with yours. I think that will just water down your experience of life, and it’s a distraction from going all-in with the rich alignment you could invest in instead. You may be surprised to see how many transformational ripples you create by investing fully in the values that matter to you and shedding links and anchors to opposing values. Keeping a foot in the world of misalignments doesn’t serve you, and it doesn’t actually help others. It just keeps you anchored to various forms of scarcity, and it keeps your inner diversity from fully expressing itself.

Share Button