My Wife Of 45 Years Died. I Thought I Truly Knew Her — Until I Discovered Her Journals

Posted on 11/11/2023 by Boris Clair

“Feel her toes and feet. When they turn cold, you’ll know. You’ll know she’s ready to go,” the hospice nurse told me. “Human bodies are predictable.” She had witnessed life’s final act hundreds of times.

This was my Sue’s 13th day in hospice. I held her hand, still warm.

My wife of almost 45 years, my Sue, lay motionless, life draining from her body.

Her thin, grey hair fell in tufts around her head. Her eyes were closed. Her body was a wisp under the blankets. Her breathing was shallow. Her cold toes pointed toward the ceiling, and I wrapped my fingers around her heels. They felt hard, as if they were only bones, and the coldness was like a wetness that I couldn’t get off my hands, even though I kept wiping them on my pants, a towel and the bedspread.

Sue arched her back as if she were trying to touch her shoulders together and then her body fell back, relaxed, and was still.

She died at 10:22am, April 18, 2018.

No pulse, no heartbeat, no finger squeeze like the day before.

Sue was 73, killed by breast cancer that had gone undiagnosed for years despite regular checkups. The radiologist had missed the malignancy hiding behind scar tissue, and it spread without mercy.

Sue gave me instructions when she knew she was dying: “Think about one thing you’ll do right after I die. Just do the one thing, and then do another and then another.”

Sue is pictured meeting her sixth grandchild, just six weeks before she died.

She understood me. If I thought about the enormity of losing her, I might go nuts, or do impulsive and stupid things. I had done many impulsive and stupid things in my life, which is why my father called me Schmendrick (a Yiddish term for a stupid person or fool).

Wasn’t the fact that Sue and I were together proof of my ability to jump headfirst into situations that many people would consider foolish?

I knew Sue was smarter than me, and she was right: The first moment without her was paralysing, so I did nothing.

I just stood there holding her hand. If I let go, the hospice staff would take her body away. She would no longer exist. She would be erased, other than in our memories. I couldn’t bear that, and I was not ready. Sue had known I wouldn’t be.

I couldn’t cry. I was silent. I looked at my daughters, my two-month-old grandson, and then back at Sue.

I waited for her to tell me what to do, how to react, how to feel and when to leave, as she had always done. I needed her to tell the family when to gather again. I needed her to explain this death.

“Just do the one thing,” I heard her say again in my head.

People thought Sue was shy. Pleasant. Practical. She kept her emotions tight inside her. I reasoned that Sue was stoic — a person who could endure pain without complaining, and handle life’s inevitable deep hurts and disappointments without sharing the load. And I never asked her directly about her emotions.

After 45 years, I thought I knew her. But I didn’t.

Days after she died, I pulled out a wedding-day photograph from June 26, 1973. Sue, 29, looks like a delicate hippie goddess with her long brown hair and peasant dress. I am 26. Skinny, redheaded, bearded, an eager Schmendrick ready to smash the glass under my foot at our wedding ceremony, under the chuppah, and in one firm stomp.

We broke with Jewish tradition and decided that both of us would smash a glass. This was all new to Sue, who grew up on a farm in Union City, Pennsylvania, as a Presbyterian.

“Whatever you do,” I said, “Don’t miss the glass. That’s lifelong bad luck.”

Sue’s stomp was tentative, and the glass rolled out from under her foot. Perhaps, at that moment, she realised how hard it would be to put her foot down when it came to me.

The author and Sue's wedding day, June 26, 1973. — The author and Sue’s wedding day, June 26, 1973.

No wonder she was nervous. We had met 10 months before that photo was taken. We worked together at Penn State. She was married, in the process of divorcing her husband of seven years, with a four-year-old daughter, Cathy, and another daughter who wasn’t mine on the way.

During our first lunch date, Sue said she knew early on that she never should have married her first husband. I didn’t ask why. I was distracted by the sexy dip in her upper lip, her tender smile, her soft voice, and how her body fit with mine.

I had proved myself a screw-up in ways that mattered to most people. I got kicked out of Penn State’s undergraduate school, and had to claw my way back to get my bachelor’s degree in international economics and then my master’s in psycholinguistics. Sue got a master’s scholarship from Penn State in horticulture. I was going to get a Ph.D. scholarship from the University of Wisconsin and Sue told me that she would go with me, but only if we got married.

Yep, Sue wanted to marry Schmendrick. She had two little girls who depended on her, yet somehow this smart woman decided she would depend on me. Trust me. That she needed me.

Sue was the most mature woman I had ever dated. Did I marry her to show the world I wasn’t a screw-up? I realised that I needed to be mothered by a person who was more centred than me. And being a father gave me a serious job. I adopted Cathy and Cristene, who was just seven months old when Sue and I got married. Our daughter Jessica came along in 1980.

I did many things to show the world, like getting my Ph.D., becoming a university dean, and attaining wide recognition for my international work. I started the first private business school in Central and Eastern Europe, in Budapest, Hungary.

Our lives seemed to roll along like a Lexus that was comfortable and dependable, until Sue got terminal cancer. I became numb and couldn’t cry following her death. Still, I somehow managed to “just do the one thing,” like keeping appointments and arranging her memorial … until I couldn’t.

The author and Sue's daughters (from left): Cristene, Jessica and Cathy. — The author and Sue’s daughters (from left): Cristene, Jessica and Cathy.

Two months after Sue’s death, I walked into an optometrist’s office. The receptionist had a frowning face and a bored smirk, which I suspected was from asking the same questions every 15 minutes: “Name? Insurance? Address?” I answered each one rapidly.

“Marital status?” she asked.

Marital status? I panicked. I am married. Wait, no, I’m not. I’m single — well, sort of. Am I a widower who is single? A single person who had a wife, and therefore a widower? Am I still married without a spouse?

The receptionist asked again, “Sir, marital status?”

“Widower,” I said out loud for the first time. When I left the appointment, I sobbed in the parking lot the way that most people cry the day of a person’s death. I felt a gut-twisting feeling: I may not stop crying.

That’s the day I understood how little I knew about what was happening to me. I felt as if a part of me had been amputated, and I had no idea what was left.

That’s the day my grieving started for real and became a constant companion.

Then I did what I’d always done when confronted with a challenge: read others’ experiences in research, memoirs and fiction, watched films, and talked to people.

I watched Ricky Gervais’ fictional TV series After Life and saw how his character struggled with losing his wife. I could relate to everything he felt. His anger was mine. My anger came out at family gatherings, when I insisted that my daughters tell me how they felt, and at work, where I found myself defying authority.

Grieving became a chisel. It broke away the shell of what I had believed about Sue, myself and our relationship, and forced me to see that I didn’t know Sue deeply.

We had used unspoken rules of conduct, dimmed our intimacy and foiled self-inspection. I learned that despite our years together, Sue had locked away secrets. We used loving gestures and words to avoid authentic and painful truths — what Buddhists call “near enemies.” We never asked each other the important question: “Who are you in the deepest part of your heart and soul?”

My Sue left a few handwritten notes in books and files around the house, as well as several journals. When I began to read them, I found that she was not stoic. She had plenty of painful thoughts that she’d never said out loud.

“I think I hate him,” she once wrote, referring to me.

Shayna Punim (Yiddish for "beautiful face"), the author's chow chow/shepherd mix. — Shayna Punim (Yiddish for “beautiful face”), the author’s chow chow/shepherd mix.

I was successful but chronically bored, so I hopped around impulsively, securing jobs in various cities and dragging Sue and the kids with me. I was blind to her desires, and she was reluctant to rip me a new one.

I never knew that she hated our move to Pittsburgh in 1990, our seventh relocation since 1973, including one to Budapest. I learned from her journals that Sue had been tired of the changes, but she never said so to me. She picked out two Pittsburgh houses she liked. We had to buy one quickly, and I chose the wrong one. Sue asked me to walk away from the deal the day of signing. Why didn’t I?

Was that why she hated me? Or was it because she wanted to get her Ph.D. in horticulture, a desire I discovered in her journals, yet my demands took precedent over hers? Or was it that I did not see her for who she was? And if she had something to say, why didn’t she say it out loud?

I went to therapy after her death and kept reading. I was forced to unravel the assumptions that we had based our lives upon. I felt lost about who she was at the core. My feelings were like that glass I had shattered under my foot all those years ago — broken and unfixable.

My therapist diagnosed me with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, a neurodifference that makes me impulsive, lose focus, and have trouble using my brain’s executive functioning. My mind wanders like a pinball machine, a series of hyperlinks, tying together thoughts that have minimal connections. My teachers and parents, unaware of my ADHD, had told me, “You need to focus and try harder.” I was focusing and trying hard by attending to multiple things at once and moving fast.

I spent most of my time with Shayna Punim, the dog Sue got one year before she died so that I’d have a companion.

I began dating six months after Sue died — another example of my impulsive behaviour. I swiped left and right on eHarmony. As Mary-Frances O’Connor said in the book The Grieving Brain, my brain was searching for what it lost, and I thought finding another woman would resolve that search. It didn’t. I felt more lost, less in touch with myself, and more confused about Sue and what we had together.

It took Sue’s words — “just do the one thing” — to keep me from doing too many impulsive and stupid things, like marrying the first woman who bought me a scotch at a bar.

My therapy, dating, research and discussions have helped me realise grief can be a stern, persistent teacher.

Sue Fogel: June 15, 1944, to April 18, 2018.

I see how much pain I caused by not recognising Sue’s needs, and not asking what she wanted and why.

I see Sue when I look at the garden she planted, the place where we spread her ashes. The flowers bloom anew, year after year … and so does my hope that I’ll discover more about her and myself.

I want another chance to ask my Sue all my questions, but I am not going to get it.

Still, despite what I learned about Sue after she died, I know that journals and diaries tell only part of the story. I don’t doubt that Sue loved me ― and I know that I loved and still love her ― but I now realise that her life might not have been exactly the life I thought it was. But isn’t that the way for all of us? How much do we share ― even with our closest loved ones ― and how much do we keep hidden? How much is left unsaid across almost half a century?

Why do we do this? And at what cost to us, and to the ones we love? What’s most important for me now is to understand more about Sue, who she was, and to reconsider my own life ― then and now. How can I honour my Sue as I knew her and as I didn’t? How can I take responsibility for the mistakes I made? Maybe it begins with this essay. Maybe my true grieving starts with processing who I was with Sue, who I am now — without her — and who I want to be going forward. As Sue said, just do the one thing.

Dan Fogel is a semiretired academic and entrepreneur living north of Charlotte, North Carolina, on Lake Norman. He spends most of his time writing and completing his memoir, visiting with family and friends, and walking with his dog, Shayna Punim. His academic career includes research, publications, teaching and consulting focused on environmental sustainability principles and practices in organizations. This work took him to various parts of the world, most notably Western, Central and Eastern Europe, and South America. You can find him at SP3 and dan@spthree.com.

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Beyond Bravery: The Trust Bridge to Genuine Courage

Posted on 08/11/2023 by Boris Clair

Here’s a new 8-minute video I created to share a harmonious way to build and exercise your courage – one that doesn’t require pushing through fear and resistance.

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If you watch the video, I invite you to post a comment on YouTube to let me know your thoughts about the relationship between trust and courage in your life.

Enjoy! 😀

I Travelled To Israel To Finally Meet The Man Of My Dreams. 12 Hours Later, The War Began.

Posted on 16/10/2023 by Boris Clair

I left Israel on Wednesday, 12 October, and everyone I know is relieved I am safe.

My friends and loved ones can sleep tonight, knowing I am back in Canada. They have done me proud: They have fretted and worried and fussed. They have checked in. They have asked me how I am doing and feeling and if there is anything they can do to help. They have offered sincere condolences, sympathised with the situation, and promised me that everything will be OK. I am very grateful to have people who love me so much.

I am safely ensconced in our bubble of collective ignorant bliss — but I do not feel safe.

This is Avichai Refael Sofer:

Avichai Refael Sofer, the author’s boyfriend. “Avichai took this selfie immediately after we parted ways at the airport,” the author writes.

He is a 29-year-old Jewish Israeli citizen living outside of Tel Aviv. He works a job, goes to school, hangs out with his friends, and has hopes and dreams for the future. He is one face out of millions of faces. He is no more and no less important than those millions of other faces — both Israeli and Palestinian — who have never felt (and may not ever feel) safe.

We met online in late 2020, in the earliest days of the COVID-19 pandemic. He “woofed” at me on a gay dating site called Scruff from 10,700 miles away, reaching out across the distance because I had a “kind face.”

We began a very lighthearted yet intimate correspondence that stretched on for several years. He was bright and funny and playful, handsome as fuck, smart as a whip, and wise beyond his years. We would talk about his dream to see Canada, how he longed to experience the Northern Lights, and how much he wanted to visit Montreal, Toronto, Vancouver… and Halifax… and Quebec City… and Calgary… Once he fully comprehended the vastness of Canada as compared to Israel (which is similar in size to the state of New Jersey), we decided he would have to visit more than once if he was going to see everything his heart desired

It was easy. He lived there — I lived here. It was a dream.

Over time, our correspondence turned into a relationship, and then it was not so easy. It was real — and real is harder.

We texted all the time and FaceTimed for hours, and though we lived thousands of miles apart and had never met in person, we fell madly and hopelessly in love.

I bought my ticket to Israel on 6 September. We planned “nine days in heaven” from 6 – 15 October. We would be together in just one month’s time.

Avichai organised the most beautiful vacation for us in the land he calls home: visiting Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, camping under the stars in the heart of the Negev, and spending time in Haifa and Zefat in the North. In what would turn out to be a cruel and ominous bit of foreshadowing, I told him that none of the details mattered — that I’d be happy to spend all nine days alone with him, locked in his room, just being together.

I landed at Ben Gurion International Airport on Friday, 6 October at 8pm. Avichai was waiting for me with a sign that said “bumblebee” and the brightest smile I had ever seen. We hugged, cried, and looked into each other’s eyes, and it was easy again.

We drove back to his place, chatting excitedly about the nine-day adventure that awaited us, and I felt on top of the world.

Avichai had prepared me a sumptuous Shabbat dinner, which we ate with abandon. There was nothing to fear. We were together.

We awoke very late on Saturday, 7 October, to 38 missed calls and hundreds of unread text messages from his family and friends. Something had happened, but with my extremely limited understanding of Hebrew, I had no idea what. As Avichai began to return the missed calls, I opened my phone and read the headline: “Netanyahu says, ‘We Are at War.’”

It did not feel real until I felt Avichai’s hand on my shoulder and heard him say, “We need to talk about some things.”

He started by assuring me that everything would be all right — that we were not in any immediate danger — and then he told me to put on some pants. He explained that most of the fighting was in or near Gaza, which is 70 km to the south of where he lived. With tears welling in his eyes, he laid out the atrocities that had taken place while we slept: the rockets launched, the destruction, the terror, the hundreds of Israeli people killed or taken hostage.

He made it clear that there would be many more rockets. He calmly told me that when we heard the air raid siren, we would have 90 seconds to make our way to the bomb shelter in the basement of his building. There, we would wait out the barrage, and once a minute had passed from the end of the siren, we could return to his apartment. We would shelter in his building for the rest of the day, assessing the situation as it developed. We would not be going outside. He asked me if I understood, and I told him I did.

I did not understand a single thing that was happening. How was this even possible? Nothing in my privileged life had prepared me for this. Air raid sirens? Rockets? What about our vacation? What about our nine days in heaven?

Admittedly, I have a very narrow understanding of Middle Eastern politics. I, like many people, receive my “news” via Western media, a sanitised version of “the truth” (whatever that is at any given time) that typically follows the narrative of whichever government is currently in power. We receive just enough information to know something is terribly wrong in the region, but most of us do not grasp exactly what or why and after we put down our phones or turn off our TVs, we continue living our lives without much thought of what these people are facing.

The first siren sounded in the early evening. Avichai, very calmly, reached for my hand and said, “Grab your phone and your glasses. We’re going downstairs now.”

He led me to the basement — the “bomb shelter” — and put his arms around me.

“Everything is going to be OK,” he promised.

The author (left) and Avichai inside the bomb shelter in Avichai's apartment building. — The author (left) and Avichai inside the bomb shelter in Avichai’s apartment building.

When the dull thuds began, I thought, “This isn’t so bad.” When the rending, unearthly scream of metal meeting mortar began, the walls shook, the windows rattled, dust fell from the ceiling, and my bones moved inside my body. I told myself, “This isn’t so bad.”

I was lying — it was bad.

It was just about as bad as anything I have ever experienced.

I lied to myself, and I lied to Avichai because it was all I could do. I needed him to believe I was OK so he would be OK. I understand now — far removed from the daily onslaught of sirens and rockets — that he lied to me, too. It was all he could do. He needed me to believe he was OK so I would be OK.

As the sirens came and went, his brothers were called into service. As the trips down and up the stairs came and went, his best friend was called into service. Sometimes, there were no sirens at all, just an overbearing silence from the sky that was suddenly ruptured by explosions. The walls shook, the windows rattled, the bones moved inside my body, and we lied to each other.

This was the way of things. The pretence. I saw it in the faces of the people in the building who would join us in the shelter: The woman with the 1-year-old who never cried once, the elderly lady from the first floor with knees not meant for climbing long flights of stairs, the girl with the wet hair and a towel wrapped around her midriff; the boy from the next building over with the pottery mud drying on his hands.

These were our “instant friends,” they smiled and made me feel welcome. They promised me that “Israel is a beautiful country.” They said, “You’ll see when you come back.” And when I returned their smile and said, “I’ll see when I come back,” I did not lie.

I left Israel on Wednesday, 12 October at 12:40am on a flight to Dubai after four days and four nights of war, and I do not regret my trip. I got to be with the man I loved. We held each other tight, we played Dungeons and Dragons and listened to music, we ate good food, we talked about important things and not-so-important things, we laughed and cried and felt alive. And though we were not safe, I felt safe with him.

The hardest part of my “vacation” was letting go of his hand, averting my gaze from his beautiful brown eyes, and walking away to find my gate and wait for my flight. I asked him to come with me to Canada, away from the chaos, but he refused. He said he cannot leave his family.

I equally respect and loathe his decision. There is a decidedly real probability that I will never see him again. I cannot look after him if we are not together, which is terrifying.

It is possible to be both pro-Israel and pro-Palestine if you are pro-human being. Israel is not those in power who would see Gaza razed to the ground, just as Palestine is not the group that is raining rockets down on Israel. We must separate the regime from the people, just as we must separate the terrorists from the people.

I don’t want to speak for the people of Israel or Palestine and won’t pretend I could ever understand what they have been through or are going through now, but I know the average Israeli and the average Palestinian do not want war — they want to listen to music, eat good food, talk about important and unimportant things, laugh, cry, feel alive and above all else feel safe.

They want to live.

I am back in Canada, re-ensconced in my bubble, and I recognise how fortunate and privileged I am to return home to a place where I do not have to worry about my safety or the safety of my family and friends. But I can say I do not feel safe.

I will not be safe until the man that I love is safe. I will not be safe until the woman with the 1-year-old who never cried once, the elderly lady with knees not meant for long flights of stairs, the girl with the towel wrapped around her midriff, and the boy with the pottery mud drying on his hands are safe. I will not be safe until the innocent people in Palestine are safe.

The author (right) with his boyfriend Avichai in Israel in October 2023. "This photo is from the only night we went outside to eat," he writes. — The author (right) with his boyfriend Avichai in Israel in October 2023. “This photo is from the only night we went outside to eat,” he writes.

Ultimately, I do not care if someone is Israeli or Palestinian. I only care that they are human beings.

I FaceTimed with Avichai this morning before I finished writing this essay. He had traveled to the North to be with his parents. There have been many sirens. His sister came by with her children. His brother-in-law came by with his nephew and niece.

The sky above him was alive with the heavy hum of military aircraft.

More innocent people are dead.

He sent me a short video of his family outside, singing and dancing in the late afternoon sun.

More innocent people will surely die.

Avichai told me he is good, and I allowed the lie.

He said seeing me outside on a rare sunny day in mid-October in Vancouver makes him happy.

I told him I am good, and he allowed the lie, too.

Robbie Romu is a freelance writer living and working in Vancouver, Canada. He can be reached at robbie.blogs@gmail.com.

The Power of Spirit – Join the Event

Posted on 06/10/2023 by Boris Clair

This post is an invitation for you on multiple levels. First, there’s the human-level invitation, which you’ll get by reading the words here. I’m hosting a live event on Zoom this weekend called The Power of Spirit, and I invite you to join us for it. It will be 3 hours each day, 10:00 AM to 1:00 PM Pacific Time on October 7 and 8, 2023.

The second level of this invitation is the spirit level. I’m writing this invitation while feeling very tuned in (thanks in part to a minidose of magic mushrooms this morning). As I’m writing, I can also feel some of the energy of the upcoming event flowing through. So as you read these words and reflect on whether to attend, see if you can perceive the spirit level of this invitation coming through as well. You may feel it on an emotional or intuitive level if you’re sensitive to that. See if you notice a perceptible shift in your energy by the time you get to the end.

Intention & Purpose

Here are four primary reasons that you may want to attend the Power of Spirit event.

Take a Spirit-Level Break – This weekend offers you the opportunity to take the weekend off from your human-level challenges. Elevate your perspective back to the spirit level for a while, and reflect upon your human journey with more self-compassion and understanding. Discover how and why you find yourself in your current situation, and gain clarity about what to focus on next. Afterwards you can return to the matrix of your human life with a new sense of purpose, perhaps regarding your old problems as not so daunting anymore.
Make a Transition – Are you facing a potential transition such as shifting the kind of work you do, pondering leaving a relationship, changing up your social circle, moving to a new place, or adopting a different lifestyle? Devote this weekend to looking at your life from the perspective of your spirit-level purpose. Participate in the Fire and Water Ceremonies to help you release the misaligned and cleanse your human energy matrix, so you can embody your best self going forward and fully embrace the transition that’s ready to emerge. Attending this call could be your way of saying to reality, “Yes, I’m ready. It’s time.”
Upgrade to a Spirit-Centric Life – Perhaps you feel called to embrace and embody a richer, fuller, more spirit-centric life while still in human form. One friend called this a “pre-ascension” phase. If you sense that this may be part of your path, I invite you to join us for the Power of Spirit, immerse yourself in spirit-level connection and practice, and see if it feels like home to you. Use this experience to gain clarity regarding how to take the next steps. I’m happy to answer your questions about what it’s like and how to keep progressing too.
Immerse Yourself in Spirit Space – Initially I had only identified the three previous reasons, but this fourth one popped into my mind just now, which is that you may attend because you love being invited to immerse yourself in spirit space with like-minded, like-hearted, and like-spirited people. Join us in a space where you get to attend as the real YOU, and connect with others who want to immerse themselves in a similar kind of energy bath for the spirit. I love connecting in this way too, so I’m right there with you. 😁

Topics

Here are some of the topics we might cover during the experience. I share this list not as a promise of exactly what we’ll include, nor as an exhaustive list, but as a list of suggestive possibilities with a reasonable likelihood of coming up during the experience. On the live calls, I’ll be going with the flow of inspiration and guidance as it comes through. I’ll also have some notes for key ideas that I consider very likely to be included. I’ll share this list of some ideas that have been coming up for me lately, which I interpret as a reasonably good sign that many (but probably not all) of these topics will be woven into the experience:

Giving your mind what it needs to flex into spirit space, explore, experience, and discover without pre-rejecting possibilities (a very likely starting point for the first call)
Identifying and releasing blocks and filters that limit you
Using spirit-level insights and practices to generate practical human-level results
The role of trust when communicating with spirit
Connecting with the energy of your home and possessions
Spirit-level bonding (with people, places, possessions, your work, etc)
Connecting with your higher self
Embodying your higher self
Connecting and conversing with departed/deceased human-spirits, including people you knew while they were alive as well as people you didn’t personally know
Gaining access to spirit-level insights
How to upgrade your spirit-level access to connect in more varied ways, experience clearer connections, and unlock communication that you were previously blocked from accessing
Inviting spirit-level assistance for your human-level problems and challenges
Insights from the spirit side about what the afterlife is really like
Death and what it feels like to transition back to spirit
What a human-spirit experiences after death, including the adjustment process
How psychedelics can be used to open or enhance spirit-level connections
What spirit space is like according to various spirits who’ve been willing to share the details, including former humans
How spirits regard humans and our human lives
Spirit-level perspectives on why the most challenging aspects of human life exist (like war, disease, imprisonment, etc)
The nature of spirit time and how it differs from human time
What spirits can and can’t see from their end
Bonding with spirit-level allies and helpers
Building goodwill on the spirit side
Using spirit-level communication to heal problematic relationships, both with living and deceased people

So it’s going to be spirit-level awesome. 😉

Note that we’ll have open Q&A at the end of each call, so whether we cover a given topic during the main part of the calls or not, you’re welcome to ask about anything from the list above or any related spirit-level topics too to ensure that we address what interests you most.

Vibes

Vibe-wise I want to make this a really beautiful, engaging, lively, and welcoming experience for those who choose to attend. Let’s bring lots of warmth, compassion, connectedness, heart energy, and spirit energy to the gathering. I also want to share concepts, ideas, and insights in ways that can satisfy the mind too, so you can build useful mental models for interfacing with life and reality through the spirit level.

I think I’m uniquely well-suited to communicating across these different levels since I have a background in computer science and mathematics, including being a computer game developer for 10 years, and I was also in a previous relationship with a pro psychic medium (Erin Pavlina) for 15 years. I’ve also done a fair amount of psychedelics in the past few years (especially during the past four months) to connect more deeply with different modes of experience, including ayahuasca, magic mushrooms, and MDMA.

One of my most powerful drives is that I’m intensely curious. I love to explore and learn about life and reality through direct, hands-on experimentation. I enjoy forming and testing different mental models of how reality might work, so I can discover what new possibilities may open up. I consider it much riskier to miss out on opportunities by succumbing to limiting assumptions than to make a mistake by stretching too far. When I go too far, life knocks me back, and I accept the lesson. But I’ve often been surprised when I test for a wall and discover that the wall was just a mirage. I’m reminded of this quote that I have posted on the wall in my home office:

When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Suffice it to say that I have quite a collection of beards that I’ve yanked off over the years.

Journey

While I’ll do my best to offer you frames and mental models to help soothe and satisfy your mental side, I won’t be playing the role of spirit-level apologist on this call. I’ll get you warmed up first, and then we’ll go on a full-throttle ride through spirit space, delivered shamelessly from that perspective. I want this to be a powerful and immersive experience for those who’d find such a journey appealing.

The easy part is that no belief in any spiritual philosophy is needed. I invite you to approach these calls as from an experiential standpoint. Join us for the ride and see what it’s like. Afterwards you can analyze the heck out of it, reflect upon what it all means to you, and decide what practices and ideas you’d like to test more extensively. I’d like to show you where I think the most interesting gold can be found.

I’ll do my best to really tune in to spirit space throughout this experience. As I did during the Spirit of Money call last month, I’ll be minidosing with magic mushrooms on both days (a few hours before each call), which helps me open up and be more receptive to spirit-level inspiration and communication. I know that the shroom energy network will be open to us and very happy to assist us (just as they assisted me in writing this invitation today). I’m also going to channel some info and insights from my higher self; I’ve been very attuned to him since my first solo MDMA journey a few weeks ago. And on top of that, I’m pretty sure some helpful former humans will want to come through and share with us as well since they’ve been popping in quite a lot recently. We can even do some extra Q&A with them, and I’ll channel their responses for you. So there will be lots of different spirit-level energies coming through to be shared with you during these calls.

I also think the experience will be a lot of fun. Minidosing tends to relax my filters, which affects how I communicate. So don’t be surprised if I swear more than usual during these calls, much like I did on the Spirit of Money call. I’m not swearing at anyone; it’s just that my self-censoring is mostly switched off, so when I feel the flow of ideas more intensely, they naturally flow into more intense language. You might find that aspect amusing if you’re not used to seeing me in that mode.

I feel better prepared for this call in terms of respecting just how intense the group energy can be when connecting at this level. I had a lot of help during the Spirit of Money call to shield me from much of that energy, so I could focus on sharing the messages and guiding the flow of the experience. If I were to permit that energy to hit me full blast while I’m so open and sensitive, I’d be overcome with emotion and wouldn’t be able to talk very well. I’d be swept up in the intensity of emotional energy that some people are working through, especially when certain truths and inner realizations may hit them like a ton of bricks. Sometimes I like to let some of that energy come through in small bursts because it helps me feel more connected to what people are experiencing. I invited that to happen a few times during the last call but still not at full intensity. I don’t mind being knocked off balance by this energy sometimes, but then I need to return to being shielded, so I can stay centered in sharing what wants to come through. Otherwise I’ll just want to sit and sob with everyone who’s intensely feeling whatever they’re releasing. Just know that I respect that this type of experience can be emotionally deep, powerful, and intense for some people, and my role is to stay with the flow of what the spirit-level energies want to share with you.

I sense that this will be a very deep, rich, and meaningful experience for you if you’re open to it. On these two calls, we’re not focusing on any specific human-level transformations. The core invitation here is to elevate yourself to a level of beingness at which many different kinds of transformations become accessible, especially those involving releasing or transitioning.

Details

To have this experience together, we’ll connect on Zoom during these times:

Saturday October 7, 2023 – 10:00 AM to 1:00 PM+ Pacific Time
Sunday October 8, 2023 – 10:00 AM to 1:00 PM+ Pacific Time

The call will be done Zoom meeting style, so you’ll be able to see everyone else who shares their webcams (as opposed to webinar style). This makes the experience feel more more social, open, and connected for those who like being visually present for it. You’re welcome to attend with your webcam on or off, or switch it up as you see fit.

You’ll get the recordings of both calls too (audio and video versions, streamable and downloadable). We’ll have those published within a few days after the live calls are complete, and we’ll email you when they’re ready.

After you sign up, you’ll get the link to register for our weekend Zoom calls, and you’ll also get access to the web portal where the call recordings will be published.

I include the plus sign (+) after the end time for each day since we may go a bit beyond 1:00 PM, especially if there’s a lot of Q&A or if I feel guided to share some extra insights at the end. It’s totally fine if you need to leave earlier. Remember that everything will be recorded, so you can always watch or rewatch the recordings later.

I do think that if you’re able to stay till the end of each day, you may find that we settle into a really lovely (even cozy) energy where it just feels so relaxed and delightful to connect and share with each other. It’s like the energy of the experience helps to synchronize us so nicely and beautifully. I loved how that happened on the Spirit of Money call. I really don’t mind hanging out with everyone a bit longer if it feels aligned to keep going. Holding this kind of energy space for so many people can be challenging though, so at some point I do need to call it complete and rest. I think you’ll find the experience pretty generous time-wise though. I’m sure it will give you a LOT to reflect upon and integrate.

Both calls will involve introspective inner journeys. We’ll have open text chat for connecting with others from the community throughout the call and for commenting as we go. And please feel free to crack jokes along the way if you want since I always enjoy reading those afterwards. We’ll have some interactive experiential exercises and ceremonial aspects too. All of the social aspects are optional, so we won’t be doing any breakout rooms or anything like that. I think you’ll find the format very introvert-friendly.

Please bring your most open and receptive self to the call, not your social mask. Wear whatever feels real and true for you on the days of the calls.

Price – $88

As with the previous call, I feel like the price was chosen for me at the spirit level. This time the number 88 came through very clearly, and I intuitively knew it was supposed to be $88. I didn’t immediately grasp why until I reflected upon it afterwards.

The number 88 is two infinity signs, which seems appropriate for exploring the space of infinity infinities. It’s also considered a power number in numerology, and we’ll be working with some powerful energies together. In Ham radio 88 is used to transmit a message of “hugs” or “hugs and kisses.” And in the Back to the Future movies, 88 miles per hour is the speed that initiates time travel, which seems perfect for connecting with the timeless aspects of spirit. So $88 it is.

It’s the same price to attend live and/or for access to the recordings. While I personally feel it’s best to have the experience live if you can, I’ve heard from others who watched the previous Spirit of Money recordings after they missed the live calls, and they still found it very powerful for them. So I anticipate that the energy and connectedness of the experience will still come through very well on the recorded version.

You may also appreciate having the recordings, especially of the Fire and Water Ceremonies (described below), so you can use them to guide you through the experiences again when you feel the time is right, such as when you’re facing another big life-changing decision or transition.

Fire Ceremony (Saturday)

On Saturday as part of the experience (not during the first hour but deeper into the call), I’ll guide you through a special Fire Ceremony to invite you to burn off and release misaligned patterns from your life. We’ll be working on this at the spirit level together, including through human-level symbolic actions that I’ll invite you to take.

To prepare for this ceremony, I encourage you to bring something to Saturday’s call that symbolizes fire or heat. Here are some examples of what you might bring and/or use during the Fire Ceremony:

Candle(s)
Fireplace
Oil burner
Incense
Warm cozy clothes to wear, especially with warm colors like red, orange, or yellow
Warm snuggle blankets (also with warm colors if you have them)
Dragons (images, figurines, stuffed animals, etc)
Images or videos of fire such as an bonfire, fireplace, volcano, lava (physical or digital photos, device wallpaper, YouTube videos, etc); consider streaming a fireplace video on your TV
Small quantity of hot or spicy food like something with jalapeño peppers, cayenne pepper, or wasabi powder (to create a hot or burning sensation in your body or even to induce some sweating)
Take a small amount of niacin (aka vitamin B-3) – the flushing kind (not the non-flushing kind) to induce a niacin flush if you want to feel the sensation of burning off old energies more physically in your body – see my note on this below for more detailed tips if you want to include this
Hot water, coffee, or tea to drink, especially with warming spices like cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, or cloves
If you have colored lights in your room, set them to red, orange, fire effects, or a warm palette
Turn up the heat or set up a space heater to make the room feel a little warmer
Sit in direct sunlight (careful not to overdo it)
Anything that represents fire, warmth, heat, or burning to you (be sensible, not reckless)

I’ll give you plenty of time to set things up, so all you need to do in advance of the first call is to consider what you might want to have available to you, and optionally pre-gather it in your space. There will be plenty of time to gather items during the call as well, so how much advance consideration you give this is up to you.

Please do what feels intuitively right to you, and don’t do anything dangerous or risky. Create a space of warmth and fire energy in which you can feel safe and comfortable releasing old energy patterns that you’re finally ready to let go of. For some people a single candle is plenty. Others may prefer to create a more immersive environment with multiple symbols of fire energy. And some may prefer to feel the sensation more intensely in their body, such as by eating spicy foods or by doing the niacin flush described below.

Here’s my note about niacin: Niacin, also known as Vitamin B-3, is a natural substance made by the body and also found in food. In supplemental form it comes in flushing or non-flushing varieties. The flushing kind causes what’s called a niacin flush if you take enough of it. I’ve taken this most days for the past several weeks, especially with lion’s mane mushroom (not a psychedelic mushroom). Niacin temporarily increases blood flow to the skin and extremities by opening up the capillaries. It can create a burning sensation and itchiness for a while, mainly on the surface of the skin. For me it usually kicks in about 20-50 minutes after I take it, and then it feels like I have a sunburn for about 20 minutes (usually felt in my ears, neck, and face first and then progressing downward through the rest of the body). It also turns my skin reddish for a while (maybe 30 minutes). Afterwards I may feel some mild itchiness for a short time. I typically take 100mg or 150mg, which is plenty to get the flushing effect. If I want a stronger effect, I might take 200mg or 300mg. A “serving size” for the niacin supplement I have is 500mg, but I’ve never gone that high before. I put the powdered form in my own capsules with lion’s mane, but it can also be mixed into a liquid like hot water or tea. I will likely take some niacin shortly before our Fire Ceremony, so I can feel the burning effect as part of the experience and channel the sensation of fire energy more viscerally. If you want to incorporate a niacin flush into your Fire Ceremony as well, that’s your choice and your responsibility for how it goes since I’m not your doctor or health advisor. It’s very optional, and I’d say it’s probably best for people who are already familiar with it and know what to expect from it. Otherwise you can just as easily lean on my channeling that part of the experience on your behalf, so you don’t have to join me in looking like a lobster for a while. If there are others who want to do this together though, we can team up to collectively hold the burn for the benefit of everyone else.

I’ll guide us through a collective version of the Fire Ceremony, which I expect will be very powerful and perhaps a bit playful too, but each of us will be implementing the physical details in our own unique ways, doing what feels intuitively right.

In this ceremony we’re holding a collective container that invites you to create a meaningful event to mark your transition from your old reality to your new one. Please bring whatever you feel is the right level of respect and reverence with you into this space, commensurate with the value you place upon your intentions and the meaning you’d like this experience to hold for you.

Releasing misaligned energies is not easy work. Sometimes it can be intense and emotional. Sometimes old patterns don’t go quietly, even when they know their time is up. I’ve done a lot of releasing work over the past few weeks, and I’ve been surprised at just how much of a cobweb each new releasing step can be. When I pull out one misaligned thought or feeling, others often come to the surface to be released next. On the other side is usually a great deal of lightness and relief, but the path to get there can be pretty involved.

Water Ceremony (Sunday)

On Sunday we’ll be incorporating water energy for our Water Ceremony. The purpose here is to cleanse and purify your human energy matrix. This may involve the sensation of healing as well, including potentially recovering from the previous day’s releasing activities. Think of this energy as gentle and soothing, like a very nice form of self-care to conclude our journey together on a high note.

I encourage you to bring to this ceremony something that symbolizes water or cleansing. Here are some examples of what you might bring to the Water Ceremony:

Glass, cup, or bottle of water (to drink)
Bowl of water with a sponge and/or towel (for rinsing or wiping your body)
Electric fountain
Rain, storm, stream, or ocean sounds playing in the background
Images or videos of water such as ocean waves, a lake, a stream, or a waterfall (physical or digital photos, device wallpaper, etc)
Anything blue, aqua or with cool colors
If you have colored lights in your room, set them to blue or a cool palette
Wear cool-colored clothing or anything with images of water
Take a shower or bath before the call
Wet your hair
Use a nearby sink to rinse or wash your hands or face as part of your ceremony
If it’s accessible for you, you may choose to sit near a pool, aquarium, fountain, pond, lake, ocean, or any form of water
Natural rain (if you happen to be in a rainy place during the experience)

Create a space that feels intuitively right for you, so you can symbolically work with the energy of water to cleanse and purify your own energy. I’ll guide you through the process of creating your individual version of our collective Water Ceremony, just as with the Fire Ceremony on the previous day.

If you have a label maker or the ability to create stickers, you may want to create some positive labels to put on your water bottle such as love, peace, cleansing, purity, joy, etc. Then whenever you take a sip, you can imagine those energies flowing throughout your body and helping every cell to align with them. I recently put “pure love” labels on most of the water sources in my house (on the water pipes below each sink, the showers, the water main, etc). Even if you think the only benefit would be the placebo effect, that’s still a real and measurable effect.

Performing symbolic physical actions with spirit-level intentionality communicates a powerful message to the spirit level of life, which can powerfully shift your human-level experience as well. When partaking of these ceremonies, do your best to focus on your intentions while performing the physical actions, such that your energy, your actions, and our collective energy and actions are positively aligned.

Join Us!

Now I invite you to sign up and join us for the Power of Spirit event this weekend, which is coming up very soon. If you’d like to participate live or get access to the recordings (or both), just fill out and submit the sign-up form, and you’ll get what you need to be a part of the experience.

I anticipate that this will be a fun, lively, deep, rich, surprising, connected, beautiful, and sometimes intense experience. As we saw with the recent Spirit of Money call, there’s a solid possibility that this Power of Spirit experience could shift your life in ways you wouldn’t predict. Please do your best to show up with an attitude of openness, curiosity, and possibility, and let me and the various spirit energies take you on a fascinating ride through spirit space.

Is this for you? Trust your intuition! I hope to see you this weekend. 😁🍄

Consciously Exploring Your Relationship with Drugs

Posted on 22/07/2023 by Boris Clair

Humanity has a complex, long-term relationship with a wide variety of drugs. In this article let’s delve into your personal relationship with drugs, how you frame them, and how you might upgrade these relationships to be more conscious and aligned with your path of self-development. Let’s include common drug sources like coffee, tea, and chocolate too, so this will be very inclusive.

My purpose here isn’t to encourage or discourage you from using any particular substances but rather to invite you to take a more conscious and honest look at your current frames, attitudes, biases, and behaviors, and determine if you want to make any improvements there.

This isn’t as simple as it may initially appear. You have many options for these relationships, much more nuanced than good/bad or right/wrong. If you’d appreciate a more mature exploration of this topic, you’ve come to the right place.

Language

A key aspect of our relationship with drugs is how we communicate about them, both to ourselves and to others.

Notice how different labels can change how you feel about a drug:

Caffeine
Coffee
Green coffee
Organic coffee
Pour-over
Cold brew coffee
Small batch roasted coffee
Artisan coffee
Sumatra
French roast
Cuppa
Tea
Green tea
White tea
Coke
Pepsi
Cola
Energy drink
Red Bull
5-Hour Energy
Latte
Espresso
Cappuccino
Starbucks
Decaf (still contains some caffeine)
Chocolate
Dark chocolate
Hot chocolate
Milk chocolate
Chocolate milk
Cocoa
Cacao
Cacao nibs
Chocolate sprinkles
Chocolate cake
Chocolate ice cream
Hershey’s Kiss
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
Gourmet Chocolate
Chocolate Liquor

We could go on with hundreds more, right?

These labels all offer different ways of framing relationships with common stimulants. Mixing a stimulant with other substances like sugar or associating it with experiences like holidays can add complexity to that relationship too.

This variety offers people more inroads to the same type of drug. People may object to many of these pathways, but the drug only needs one acceptable opening to get into your body. You can reject coffee, tea, caffeinated sodas, and so on, but if you’re okay with dark chocolate, then you’re entering into a relationship with a drug, potentially for the rest of your life.

I’m starting with one of the most common drug relationships here so you can begin to grasp the complexity of these relationships and how easy it is for drugs to become a seemingly natural part of our lives these days, so much that we don’t even see it.

Notice how you get a different vibe and cultivate a different relationship with certain substances based on how you label them.

Consider labels like cannabis, marijuana, Mary Jane, pot, weed, etc? Does it make a difference if you see on someone’s dating profile “420 friendly” versus “pothead”?

Do you prefer MDMA, ecstasy, XTC, molly, love drug, Scooby Snacks, or some other name?

Would you rather do an LSD trip or drop acid? It’s the same substance either way, but your verbal framing can change how you relate to it.

Different people prefer different associations. I encourage you to think about how you want to frame these relationships, and consider how your preferences are affecting your behavior. How would it be different if you changed up your labels, such as by referring to your latte as stims instead?

What if Starbucks had an arguably more objective and accurate name like Daydrugs? How might that impact the relationship that people cultivate with it?

Socially Conditioned Drug Relationships

We all grow up learning certain default frames for drugs, and many people essentially stick with those inherited frames for the rest of their lives, never challenging them much.

My parents both consumed coffee daily and only had alcohol (mainly wine) very sparingly like at holidays. I never saw either of them drunk. They never smoked. My siblings and I had relatively easy access to caffeinated sodas, chocolate (including chocolate milk at school), and lots of items containing sugar. Some drugs were framed as normal and fine, others only for adults and only for special occasions, and others off limits entirely. But most of the time the drug label wasn’t applied to the socially acceptable drugs; it will usually just applied to the off-limit substances. And pharmaceutical drugs were typically referred to as medicine.

In my religious upbringing, I learned that Jesus was very non-judgmental about alcohol and even encouraged people to drink wine. Many churches served a sip of wine during mass, including to children. In that context it was socially acceptable.

As a child I also noticed that if I pointed out the confusing nature of these associations to adults or strayed from the socially conditioned framing, such as by referring to coffee as drugs or to a daily coffee drinker as an addict, I’d get some negative pushback. Some people would even vehemently defend their preferred frames. I quickly learned that adults often resisted alternative frames. I found it refreshing when a coffee drinker or chocolate lover would openly admit to being a stimulant addict, shamelessly owning it instead of hiding behind labels that allowed more room for denial. It was interesting that some people shamed any kind of addiction labeling while others simply embraced it as honest.

I also grew up during a time when the War on Drugs loomed large. I remember hearing Nancy Reagan’s “Just say no” campaign being blasted at us. Consequently, I gained an early negative association to the word drug, and I’ve noticed that I still dislike applying that label to certain types of substances where I want to explore a different kind of relationship, such as psychedelics. In fact, I feel better labeling coffee and chocolate as drugs than magic mushrooms, ayahuasca, or LSD. This doesn’t seem to be due to my personal experience (I’ve done mushrooms and aya but not LSD) but rather due to educating myself a lot more and developing a better understanding of the benefits and risks of certain substances.

The War on Drugs lumped psychedelics into the same category as cocaine and heroine, as if LSD and PCP were basically equivalent roads to hell. Meanwhile alcohol and smoking remained legal and socially okay despite how dangerous and addictive they were for so many people.

Mushrooms and LSD are not physiologically addictive. If you tried to consume magic mushrooms (or psilocybin) every day, you’d build a tolerance really quickly, and soon you’d have to be eating a ridiculous quantity to get the same effect. Even to microdose effectively, people need to take frequent days off (such as 4 days on, 2 days off) in order to avoid rapidly building a high tolerance.

I still get a weird internal reaction when I hear someone refer to magic mushrooms, psilocybin, LSD, or ayahuasca as drugs. That label is technically correct, but to me it carries a stigma that these substances don’t deserve. Consequently, I prefer labels like psychedelics, psychoactive substances, or transformational chemistry. These labels help me develop a more rational relationship instead of driving me back into the emotional and irrational framing that was conditioned into me during childhood.

The invitation here is to carefully reflect upon the socially conditioned aspects of your relationships with drugs. Look for bias in those relationships, and consciously challenge those biases to cultivate more honest, truth-aligned, and personally meaningful relationships. This may include changing the labels you apply to these relationships, so you can graduate from the old conditioned judgments that may not serve your highest good.

Intelligence

Take a conscious look at your prior conditioning and see if it’s aligned with accessing your best intelligence regarding how you now relate to certain substances. Did you inherit emotionally loaded frames like I did? If so, it might be wise to upgrade your framing, so you can fully engage your rational mind and not have it suppressed or derailed.

You may also choose to keep some of your older frames if you feel they serve you well. I grew up with a negative association to smoking, and to this day I’ve never smoked a cigarette or cigar. Not one puff. I still have no interest in doing so. I associate smoking with cancer, black lungs, cutting seven years off my lifespan, coughing, lower IQ, being socially stigmatized, repulsive odors, wasting money, being a bad influence on others, a nasty addiction, etc. I really don’t see any upside to smoking that could overcome all those negatives. Consequently, I’m okay with keeping these associations intact, till I see a rational reason to upgrade them. For now I feel that these associations protect me and keep me safer, helping me avoid a well-marked danger zone.

On the flip side, as I’ve been educating myself about psychedelics, I learned that my old associations were just dead wrong. I had highly irrational notions about certain substances and demonized them for much of my life. What helped me start opening my mind was when friends who had used substances such as ayahuasca, mushrooms, DMT, MDMA, and LSD told me their stories, and their reports didn’t mesh with my prior conditioning. That made me curious to start looking for facts, details, and more personal accounts, and that extra digging helped me upgrade my old thinking to be more rational and reality-based, as opposed to irrational and fear-based.

I think a sensible intention is to develop a rational and intelligent relationship with drugs. This means graduating from your childhood conditioning and shedding false notions. Simply seek to learn the truth. That’s a simple intention but a powerful one.

Exploration

Another pathway to upgrade your understanding of certain substances is to give yourself room to explore and experiment. The outside perspective looking in is always different from the inside perspective. There’s just no substitute for direct experience.

That said, I also think it’s wise to do your homework first, and look for promising avenues to explore instead of exploring willy nilly.

I don’t want to explore smoking because I see no promise there. How many people have shared amazing stories of smoking and encouraged me to try it? Zero. How many promising studies have encouraged me to try it? Zero. So that’s the shittiest invitation ever. Instant reject.

With other substances I’ve seen much more promising possibilities. That’s true of coffee, chocolate, ayahuasca, LSD, mushrooms (psilocybin), San Pedro, MDMA, DMT, and several others. There’s no compelling reason to explore the apparent duds when there are much better offers on the table. With psychedelics there’s a new gold rush happening, and it seems well-founded as people really do appear to be finding lots of proverbial gold there.

Just as you can flex with your preferred labels, you may also discover some flexibility in the windows that feel open to you for exploration. For instance, it may feel very different if a trusted friend offers you a puff of a joint at a party versus going out and buying one yourself. So pay attention to accessibility because it’s easier to explore the substances that are more accessible for you.

I used tobacco once during a rapé ceremony at an ayahuasca retreat. A shaman used a pipe to blow it up my nose. And wow was that intense! It felt like my brain was injected with Sriracha for a few minutes. It was also fun and accessible to do it with a group of friends and see everyone rolling on the floor howling afterwards – an odd sort of bonding experience. Even though I retain major negative associations to smoking cigarettes, I still had the opening to engage with tobacco in a narrow ceremonial and social context, and I have no regrets about that. I don’t feel any significant desire to repeat the experience, but I’m glad I took advantage of the opening that presented itself to do that particular exploration.

My first psychedelic experience also presented itself as an open window that I could accept. It was at an ayahuasca retreat center in Costa Rica in 2019. If I accepted the invite, I’d be going with a group of about a dozen friends, and Rachelle would be going too. I didn’t feel any peer pressure to go, but I did see it as a nice opportunity to have an experience in a fun and social way. I liked that I’d be able to go through the integration process with smart, growth-oriented people I knew, and it seemed like it would be a unique bonding experience. It was all of that and more, so I’m really glad I went.

You may think that exploration is risky, and yes there is some risk there. But also consider the risk of not exploring. Missing out on a powerful transformational opportunity can be just as much of a mistake as trying something and having a bad experience. Be careful not to overweight errors of commission because errors of omission can be just as bad or even worse. Imagine missing the chance to permanently upgrade your thinking, emotional baseline, understanding of reality, and so on – that’s a serious risk too.

We humans have a known bias towards irrational levels of loss aversion – i.e. not making advantageous bets when the odds are clearly in our favor because we’re too afraid of losing. It’s important to recognize this and consciously compensate for this bias by giving due consideration to the potential upsides. I do this by adding a bit more weight to exploration and curiosity, which has been working very well for me, particularly when it comes to exploring psychedelics. I like to play it safe while also giving myself reasonable opportunities for significant wins and breakthroughs.

Abstinence

Another option is to choose to abstain from drugs. You can do this on a case-by-case basis, or you can try to universally abstain. If you do the latter, you’ll need to avoid all coffee, caffeinated tea, chocolate, sugar, alcohol, pharmaceuticals, and more. If you want to be ultra-pure, you ought to abstain from tap water too in many areas since it’s contaminated with small amounts of many drugs.

I was fairly purist in abstaining from most drugs, including caffeine and alcohol, for many years of my life, especially during my 20s. Some years I avoided all pharmaceuticals too. I liked the feeling of being super clean. I also went vegetarian and then vegan during those years. I trained in martial arts and ran a marathon too, so this abstinent relationship with drugs meshed well with my overall lifestyle.

My framing back then was very physical. I wanted my body to be as clean as possible. I thought any sort of drugs would degrade my mental and emotional performance, so I felt it best to avoid them.

I think this is a viable option. It can be difficult in some situations, but it’s not impossible. Many people have abstinent relationships with one or more substances and seem very aligned with those relationships.

Moderation

Another option for relating to drugs is to use them in moderation, like an experiential accent to your life. Allow yourself the flexibility for some occasional usage when you think the benefits are worth the risks, and do your best to minimize the potential harm to yourself and others.

In the long run, I found the abstinence approach limiting because it prevented having certain experiences that I might otherwise find worthwhile. So I gradually opened up more to find a different calibration point. I liked having the flexibility to explore now and then. I didn’t find that too great of a sacrifice.

One way to make these decisions is to check in with your anticipated feelings of regret. Are you more likely to regret having an experience or not having it? Make the decision you think will lead to the least regret.

Another option is to go where you think the appreciation will be the greatest. This is my preferred method. I like to ask: On balance will I experience more appreciation from having this experience or from avoiding the experience? That helps me make choices I appreciate (obviously).

Sometimes I have coffee, chocolate, or alcohol, but I will also go months at a stretch without them. I particularly enjoy exploring different kinds of wine with Rachelle now and then, especially after we did a Napa Valley wine tasting trip together many years ago. It’s an occasional indulgence that I enjoy and appreciate, as long as I don’t do it too often.

We like to pour 2.5-ounce glasses (half of a regular glass) of wine, and sometimes that’s all we’ll have in an evening. If we want more, we’ll pour another 2.5-ounce serving. If we order wine or some other alcoholic drink at a restaurant (we usually don’t), we will often split one drink between us. We don’t need many sips to have an experience we’ll appreciate.

In a few weeks when we’re in Scotland, we’ll visit a Scotch distillery as one of many tourist activities, and of course we’re going to try the Scotch. For most of my life I hated Scotch, but I opted to try more varieties of it a few years ago and found some that I like. My current favorite is Speyside Scotch. I don’t like having a lot of it, but just a half-ounce now and then can really enliven my taste buds in an interesting way. Again it’s one of those accents that I appreciate.

Moderation doesn’t work well for everyone though, and it may work better for some substances than others. There are different ways of doing it too.

It’s easy for me to be moderate with alcohol because I don’t find it addictive. My body doesn’t crave it. In fact, when I have some, I can often tell my body would rather avoid it for a while afterwards. I can’t ever see myself falling into the pattern of drinking every day or even every week or month. Rachelle is much the same. We can have alcohol in the house and not feel inclined to touch it for many weeks in a row. But I know others for whom this isn’t an option. If they have alcohol in their house, they’ll consume it daily till it’s all gone.

With coffee, however, I can’t have this same kind of relationship because caffeine is very addictive for me. If I have it once, pretty soon I’m having it every day, usually twice a day. I have gotten better at this, but generally the best I can do if I want to experience coffee is to cycle with it, where I will have it daily for some months of the year, and then I’ll go through the weeklong detox process and have some months of total abstention. When I’m coffee-free, I usually need to be chocolate-free too because chocolate is my gateway drug back to coffee. Same goes with white tea, green tea, etc. Any stimulants, even mild ones, will eventually hurl me back into coffee’s welcoming embrace.

For now I actually like having this on-again, off-again relationship with coffee. I notice that when I’m drinking coffee, my thinking is usually narrower in focus and more linear, like I’m going through a sort of tunnel mentally. Sometimes that’s helpful, like when I want to advance in a pretty clear direction.

When I’m not consuming coffee, my thinking opens up more. My perspective widens. I’m able to see the big picture more clearly. That’s really good for making fresh high-level decisions and balancing many different possibilities. So this relationship with coffee is like shifting between yin and yang modes for me. I like both but at different times of year. It took many years to figure out this balance.

I notice that the balance regulates itself pretty well too just by listening to my inner signals. If I consume caffeine for too many months in a row, my thinking starts becoming a bit chaotic, and I find it harder to focus. I also notice a build-up of joint pain, like while running, as if I’m becoming slightly arthritic. That all goes away within a week after I stop having coffee.

Then after some caffeine-free time, I eventually begin feeling that it would be nice to start having some again. Sometimes that’s an external event like a retreat where I know people will be drinking coffee, or maybe it’s a trip where I know Rachelle will want to visit some nice cafes, and I want to share in that experience with her. This cycling approach lets me appreciate having coffee and also not having coffee.

By contrast many other people I know, including Rachelle, are able to have coffee daily for years with apparently no negative side effects. I seem to be able to do that when I eat all raw or mostly raw. Then I don’t experience the build-up of negative side effects. It could be that the raw foods help to counteract the long-term effects of the coffee in ways that cooked foods don’t.

Pay attention to how your body, mind, and emotions react, especially when taking substances frequently. See if you can adopt an approach that maximizes your long-term appreciation, which may be very different from what you’ve been taught or what you’ve seen other people doing.

I feel that I got stuck for many years by trying to blindly following patterns I learned from others instead of paying more attention to my own inner responses and what they were teaching me about myself. I feel that my own body and mind give me the best advice, but only when I can listen to them directly and open-mindedly, without filtering through preconceived notions and irrational biases.

Trust

This leads into the next type of relationship, which is trust.

One perspective I use today is that all drugs are energy patterns. Each drug is like a software program that interfaces with our personal energy matrices. These encodings are actually purposeful and meant to serve us in some way. I find it wise to trust those encodings. I even see it as being purposeful when people go through phases of addiction, like it’s something their spirit or energy needs to experience for a while. Remember that all drug addictions are temporary.

This doesn’t mean trusting that a drug will always behave as you desire or that there will be no negative consequences. It’s more about trusting the drug to play the role it’s meant to play while also bending its behavior with some intentionality.

Start by trusting that alcohol will behave like alcohol. Trust that psilocybin will behave like psilocybin. But within the range of possibilities for each drug that you’re open to exploring, also invite yourself to develop a trust-based relationship with the substance.

This is much like trusting human beings to behave like human beings actually behave, which is a deeper and more mature level of trust than the immature form that invites trust wounds. The immature form of trust is hoping that people will behave as you want or expect them to.

It’s very difficult for a drug to betray you if you adopt the mature form of trust and let go of the immature form. It’s important for you to assume the responsibility for your role in this relationship too, knowing that you have agency to make intelligent decisions based on a drug’s actual range of possibilities. This includes being more open-minded when you’re not sure about a drug’s likely effects.

Trust is especially powerful and important when using psychedelics. There’s such a wide range of possibilities that it would be foolish to blame the drug for not behaving the way you want it to behave. You’re less likely to be disappointed if you trust psychedelics to behave like psychedelics, which includes allowing plenty of room for surprise.

I found this to be a particular useful frame that gives me enough room to explore and to keep having more growth experiences. I trust that each drug will yield an experience within its range of possible effects, and then I set intentions that align with this range. Alcohol can align with the intention to be more playful and less inhibited. Magic mushrooms could mesh well with the intention to have a deep inner transformational journey. Caffeine might be a good fit for crafting a detailed and thorough article.

Curiosity and Dabbling

Some people explore various drugs to satisfy their curiosity. They may continue to dabble for curiosity’s sake, or they may feel satisfied after a single experience.

Many people have taken a particular drug, such as LSD, one time in their entire lives, and they felt that was enough for them. They satisfied their curiosity and never wanted to repeat the experience.

My relationship with marijuana has been a bit like this. I think I’ve done it six times total, always while traveling. I’ve actually never done it in Las Vegas where I live, even though it’s been legalized here and there are plenty of dispensaries where it’s easily accessible.

I feel like my curiosity about marijuana has been mostly satisfied. It makes me a bit giddy, but otherwise I don’t find the effects very impressive or interesting. I feel like it might be more useful to me if I had depression or anxiety. It’s hard for me to find a good use case for it.

I’m a little bit curious to try vegan gummies at some point, but otherwise I’m way more curious about psychedelic substances like mushrooms, LSD, MDMA, DMT, San Pedro, and a few others. Marijuana seems rather boring by comparison. I actually find caffeine more interesting.

That said, I’m still open to using it very occasionally, like if friends are having it at a party, I might enjoy joining them in the experience. I wouldn’t feel any pressure to do so though.

Curiosity-driven dabbling is a perfectly valid relationship to have with a substance. Don’t feel that you need to press beyond that if a substance doesn’t seem to be offering a worthwhile package of benefits.

Social Use

That leads to another aspect of our relationship with drugs, which is the social side. This is how many people end up trying various drugs in the first place – their peers introduce them to it.

Many people don’t have much of a relationship with certain drugs at all except when they connect to drugs through other people. Some drugs (such as MDMA) affect socialization too, so the experiences can be better when shared with other people.

Consider whether you also want to explore solo experiences at some point and with which substances. That’s an option, and it can be a very different kind of experience.

For many people, it’s not a big deal to drink coffee, eat chocolate, or smoke while alone. But they might frown upon drinking alcohol alone or doing MDMA alone. Notice that you may have different solo and social relationships with the same substances.

Another factor is that the experience can be very different depending on the people you’re with. In some cases this can be even more important than the specific substance and even the dosage.

I feel very comfortable having Rachelle as my sitter for psychedelic explorations because she’s very good at keeping her vibe up, even when I’m having a rough ride. I wouldn’t want to have such experiences with people whose energy, emotions, or behavior might pull me in an undesirable direction like anxiety, stress, worry, frustration, etc. That could too easily lead to a hellishly bad trip. I feel fortunate that my first four psychedelic journeys (ayahuasca) were with positive, growth-oriented friends.

In some ways the safety can be greater during a social experience since there may be other people looking out for you. However, other people can also be a source of risk, whether accidental or deliberate, especially if they’re taking substances too.

I advise you to also consider the supreme importance of an aligned social circle even when you’re substance-free. Consider that a psychedelic trip often amplifies energies that are already present. If you wouldn’t feel safe doing a trip with certain people who are regularly present in your life right now (online or offline), do they even belong in your life at all?

This is an interesting criteria for raising your social standards. For each person in your life, ask: Would I ever want to trip with this person? If the answer is no, consider switching to an abstinent relationship with that person altogether. Free up your energy to attract the right Guild members for you.

Self-Development, Growth, and Transformation

This is my favorite type of relationship to explore with drugs, particularly psychedelics, which show incredible promise when consciously used as tools of personal transformation.

I even think that many other drugs can be used for personal growth, including caffeine and alcohol, when this level of intentionality is brought to the experience, combined with the mature form of trust that I mentioned earlier in the Trust section.

Here are some interesting intentions to consider when using drugs for conscious growth:

Show me the next steps on my life path.
Teach me what I need to know.
Show me how reality really works.
Teach me something about reality that I didn’t know.
Help me release / overcome / forgive ____.
Heal my heart.
Show me who I’m meant to be.
Let me speak with my higher self.
Bathe me in love and oneness.
Wake me up.
Ignite my soul.
Help me develop a trusting relationship with life.
Help me let go of fear, anxiety, depression, shame, guilt, regret, etc.
Help me transform my relationship with a painful or difficult memory.
Tell me about my life purpose.
Help me overcome my fear of death.
Show me the multiverse, non-physical reality, other dimensions, etc.
I invite a love-aligned, non-physical entity to come speak with me.
I invite a deceased friend or relative to come speak with me.
Open my third eye.
Inspire me creatively.
Connect me with my muse.
Show me the solution to ____.
Surprise me. I trust you.

It may take some exploration to determine which intentions give you the most transformational experiences. This is one aspect of psychedelic exploration that I’m super curious about. There are so many different kinds of intentions to explore, and they really do seem to have powerful effects.

I suggest that you don’t blindly follow other people’s advice even if they seem certain about the best intentions to set. I did that with my first ayahuasca experience and found the recommended intentions, such as “Heal my heart,” to not be the best ones for me. Especially beware of presumptuous intentions like that one – Does everyone’s heart really need healing? Assuming that yours needs healing may invite an experience to validate that perspective, but you might have a more worthwhile experience with a very different intention. The “heal my heart” intention took me deep into intense emotional space with lots of crying, but in retrospect I can’t say that it was particularly transformational. I feel like the substance basically put on a show for me because I asked it to. I think I gained more transformational value by inviting ayahuasca’s wisdom to gently dialogue with me on the subsequent ceremony nights.

You can also try single-word intentions. I find those easier to remember when I’m going through the experience. Last time I even wrote them down on paper, so I could physically read them as I was beginning the trip. I used only four words for my intention: deep, gentle, loving, light. That was plenty for a very deep, nine-hour mushroom trip.

Activation and Suppression

Another reason people take drugs is to activate or suppress some aspect of their biology, like turning a volume dial. Many people use caffeine to amp up their alertness, alcohol to help them feel more social and less inhibited, and other drugs to suppress anxiety, depression, or pain.

One aspect to consider here is whether this relationship is serving you. How do you feel about using drugs for this purpose? Are you taking any now for that purpose, and if so, does that relationship feel aligned to you?

This type of relationship with drugs can often be tricky to maintain, especially if the drugs have potential negative side effects. Many women, for instance, have such a relationship with birth control pills, doing their best to balance the risks versus rewards. Because it’s not a perfect solution, this can be an uneasy relationship that retains some tension and doubt even after a decision is made.

This is still a valid way to relate to certain drugs, especially those designed for that purpose. Just be wary of potential side effects and long-term dependency or addiction risks. Be sure to keep checking in with yourself, your body, your thoughts, and your feelings to assess if the relationship is working for you. Be ready to acknowledge when your assessment has changed because many people do eventually experience a change of mind or heart about these relationships. Pay attention to your inner truth, and do your best to honor it.

Curing

One reason many people are turning to psychedelics is that it can enable them to stop taking pharmaceuticals long-term for activation or suppression. They finally cure the underlying condition and reach a new balancing point, solving the activation or suppression issue once and for all.

Psychedelics in particular are offering many people profound transformations as they’re being studied by researchers, scientists, doctors, and therapists. People are reporting overcoming depression, anxiety, PTSD, and various addictions with just one dose. I’ve personally met people who’ve claimed to have had such transformations, both with high doses taken 1-2 times or with long-term microdosing.

With microdosing there’s some variability too, with some people finding that a sufficient duration of microdosing seems to cure or diminish their underlying condition well enough that they can stop microdosing and still retain the lasting benefits, and other people finding that if they stop microdosing, their symptoms soon return. In the latter case, people often prefer long-term microdosing to long-term pharmaceutical use, feeling that it’s safer and healthier for them.

As I shared in my Psychedelic Science 2023 conference review, there’s a lot of promising research unfolding in this area.

This is another situation where it’s important to make a rational and informed decision, and especially watch out for any irrational bias towards loss aversion that could cause you to miss out on something that could be life-changing. The chance to permanently cure or significantly improve a long-term condition like depression, anxiety, PTSD, or addiction is a pretty huge win for some people, especially when steps are taken to minimize the downside risks. Weigh this against the risk of having that same condition for the rest of your life or even seeing it worsen over time.

Creativity

Countless books, movies, and works of art were inspired or assisted by various drugs. One reason is that many drugs help people stretch beyond their default mode of thinking and offer fresh perspectives.

This is an interesting way to open up the flow of creativity and potentially put out more creative work.

I’ve been making a living from my creative work for decades and haven’t had a job in 30+ years, so I don’t feel like I need substances to help me in this area. But I am super curious to see what fresh creative work I might produce with the perspective shifts that psychedelics can open up.

I also notice some extra motivation to write and share more after my recent mushroom trips (three in the last few weeks).

I’ve got a three-week trip to the UK coming up soon, and when I return I’d love to dive into the Engage course that I began working on earlier this year. I’d also like to do some additional psychedelic journeys while developing it. It’s my sixth major course, so I’m up for having a more expansive kind of experience this time. I don’t feel I need psychedelics to create more, but I am curious to see how I might create differently by taking one or more substances along the way.

I also want to write more articles inspired by various insights that came through as a result of processing and integrating psychedelic experiences, not just direct reports about the experiences themselves. The flow of fresh ideas is actually getting to be a bit much this week – way faster than I can actually write them up and publish them.

How do you feel about using drugs for this purpose?

I don’t like the idea of becoming dependent upon drugs for creativity, and I’m glad that was never an issue for me, but I do find it fascinating to see what more we humans can create with drugs as part of the process. I’m glad that many people have been exploring that because I think it really adds value to our lives. So this is an area where I’m very open-minded about doing more personal experimentation.

I also like that this can make the experience of creativity more divergent and adventurous for me, especially after so many years of doing creative work. It keeps my creative future from becoming too tame and predictable.

Pleasure and Recreation

Drugs are commonly used for pleasure, recreation, and entertainment of course, which can be a mixed blessing. Many drugs can make us feel really good, but this relationship may invite a great deal of risk depending on which drugs you use and how the relationship flows over time.

One risk here is that using drugs in this manner can lead to addiction. Another risk is that such usage can gradually numb your ability to feel as much pleasure from other pursuits, such as gaining a sense of accomplishment from completing a task. You may experience a loss of natural motivation if the drug relationship interferes with your normal biochemical reward pathways. This can lead to consuming the drug more frequently or at higher doses in an attempt to restore your previous emotional baseline.

My advice is to be very cautious if you use drugs for pleasure, especially if you perceive a meaningful risk of getting addicted or throwing your physiology out of whack. Trying to maintain this type of relationship with drugs has been a slippery slope for many people.

I personally know someone who became very addicted to cocaine, and that addiction wrecked his career, finances, and marriage. He maxed out his personal and business credit to buy more cocaine, then secretly opened new credit accounts under his wife’s name without telling her and maxed those out too. Eventually his house of cards came tumbling down, and he finally began working on overcoming his addiction. With strong encouragement from her family to get the hell out that relationship, his wife left him while he was in rehab. He eventually rebuilt his life in a new direction, including becoming very religious, but it sure wasn’t easy for him. He really seemed like a different person afterwards, perhaps because I’d grown accustomed to his cocaine-fueled personality. That’s another factor to take into consideration – that drugs may reshape your personality to such a degree that you may end up having to rebuild a lot of human relationships after getting off them, possibly because people will be left wondering if they ever really knew you.

One way to help prevent this relationship from overtaking you is by having some totally drug-free weeks or months every year, ideally combined with eating a super clean diet. For me this means abstaining from coffee, chocolate, alcohol, and anything else that may be considered a drug. I will often eat fully or mostly raw for many weeks in a row too; in 2021 I did that for the whole year. I like to give my body plenty of clean stretches. I find these periods really good for detoxification, mental clarity improvements, emotional rebalancing, and resetting any potential drug-related tolerances (mainly caffeine). One benefit is that doing this regularly can restore your sensitivity to various drugs. Many foods will taste and smell better afterwards too.

Another good practice is to place extra rails on when you’ll use drugs for pleasure, so as to limit how frequently you’ll do that. As I noted earlier, I’ve only smoked pot while traveling and only with other people, so I never created an association to doing it at home, in my home city, or by myself. That makes it pretty tough for me to get addicted to it. I’ve met people who can’t seem to function without smoking pot daily, and I have no desire to go that route since it seems like a fairly sad place to be, so I regard such people as useful signposts warning of the potential dangers of going too far with a particular drug relationship. I remember cuddling with such a woman once and noting how fragmented her energy felt, as if her spirit was broken into shards like a shattered mirror.

Be ultra-cautious about taking drugs where pleasure is the primary benefit, such as heroin. That can really spiral your life downward quickly. Personally I prefer to maintain an abstinent relationship with such substances that have such a high risk to reward ratio.

With many types of psychedelics, pleasure-based addiction is highly unlikely. It’s pretty much unheard of to get addicted to LSD, for instance. Even when microdosing regularly, LSD isn’t likely to create a physiological addiction. With some psychedelics that can produce pleasurable feelings though, such as MDMA (Ecstasy), it’s possible to take it more frequently than is wise due to a desire to experience those delightful feelings again. For some people this can create negative side effects like feeling down when not taking MDMA.

This is one reason I feel pretty safe exploring psychedelics. I see little chance of ever becoming addicted to them. It’s nice to have some space between sessions, so I can do the deep inner work of integration by journaling, reflecting, and discussing the experience with friends. I like that psychedelics don’t take me away from socializing but actually improve my social life. So instead of using drugs for pleasure, consider the big picture of using drugs to increase your overall happiness, especially when you’re not actively taking them.

Be sure to consider the risk-reward ratio too. In terms of potential harm to oneself and others, alcohol is perhaps the most dangerous common drug out there, followed by heroin, meth, cocaine, and tobacco. Cannabis is significantly safer than all of those. And mushrooms, LSD, MDMA, and Ketamine are all significantly safer than cannabis. See this drug safety chart for more details.

I like exploring with mushrooms because they’re a lot less risky than other substances, and I can see with my eyes that a shroom is a shroom, as opposed to wondering what a pill may actually contain. Most MDMA isn’t pure, for instance, since it’s cut with other substances. I also don’t have to worry about what dubious source I might be supporting with mushrooms since they aren’t coming from some cartel operation.

Escape

Another common use of drugs is to escape. Take a break from life by putting it on pause for a while, or at least make it seem that way. It’s a coping strategy for dealing with life’s pressures (work, money, relationships, family demands, etc.). For some it’s an escape from boredom.

How this relationship develops depends on your frequency and intensity of escape. Are you using drugs occasionally as a pressure-release value or perhaps to add a bit more variety to your life? Does this help you return to your life with a bit more capacity afterwards? This kind of escape-based relationship can be very positive, like taking a vacation now and then.

Alternatively, have drugs become a more frequent escape, such that your life is essentially on pause and failing to advance? Is this relationship with drugs interfering with your human relationships, fueling more disconnection and isolation? This can be a very problematic relationship for anyone who values growth and self-development, essentially trapping you in a dead end for a while.

Use escape to help you do the work of developing yourself. Be wary of trying to escape from doing the work itself though.

One significant risk of using drugs for frequent escape is that it can become a version of slow suicide, all the way till you’ve escaping your body through death. Spiritually I like to hold the view that there’s really no escape there because you’ll simply carry those problems with your afterwards. It’s easier to work through them while you’re here.

You may find it beneficial to use drugs for occasional escape, such that you’re better able to do the work of being human. This is another situation where the standard of appreciation can help. Ask yourself if you’d likely appreciate a brief escape. I especially like to ask if my future self would appreciate it. That gives me a pretty clear answer as to what my best thinking has to say about the option.

Performance

One interesting use of drugs is to enhance mental and/or physical performance. Caffeine, Adderall, and steroids come to mind here.

In this context consider whether the drug will be used only occasionally to yield a long-term performance boost afterwards, such as with psychedelics, or it it must be taken regularly to provide those benefits. The latter situation generally entails more risk, including the risk of addiction and other side effects that may worsen the longer you consume the drug.

Last month I learned that psychedelics have been used by athletes for this purpose. Psychedelics don’t really help with physical performance, and if they did they’d likely be banned in many pro sports. However, psychedelics can help with improving emotions that affect performance, such as by creating a stronger sense of teamwork, and they can also help with pain in some situations. NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers is one such athlete who used psychedelics in a sports context. I saw him speak about it at the Psychedelic Science 2023 conference a few weeks ago.

If you take any drugs for performance reasons, I also recommend going drug-free for some extended time periods (ideally for at least a month or two each year) in order to reset your baseline. This can actually make the drug more effective if and when you start taking it again.

One thing I like about psychedelics is their potential to offer a long-term mental or emotional upgrade even from taking the drug only once (if the dosage is high enough). Their relative safety makes this an interesting bet to make. I particularly loved hearing John Mackay’s story at the PS2023 conference, where he shared how taking LSD had a profound effect on him, which eventually led to the founding of Whole Foods. He acknowledged that Whole Foods wouldn’t exist if not for his taking LSD. It’s fascinating how a very small amount of certain substances can unlock a whole lot of performance in some people.

Addiction and Dependency

Addiction and dependency are common aspects of people’s relationships with drugs. Although this is usually not due to conscious choice, it can be, such as when someone willingly starts consuming a substance they know from prior experience will almost certainly re-habitualize them, and they choose to do so anyway.

Because addiction and dependency can cause serious problems with some substances, including to your health, finances, and the well-being of others, it’s wise to do your homework first and research a new substance to learn about its effects, history, and likelihood of addiction. Look to your family history of drug use since that’s a good predictor as well. My family doesn’t have a history of alcohol addiction that I’m aware of, but I know that one distant relative died from cancer due to smoking, and I see that caffeine dependency is common in my family. The biggest addiction I see in my family tree is religion, so I feel fortunate to have shed that one during my teenage years, preferring to maintain an abstinent relationship afterwards.

I don’t consider dependency to be a binary state but rather a continuum. I think an interesting way to gauge your level of attachment is when you consider going a year without a particular substance. What’s your inner reaction to that?

Could you go a year with zero caffeine, including no coffee, caffeinated tea, or chocolate? If you feel significant internal resistance to that, I’d say you have some level of dependency there. I recognize this in myself too. I can do a year stimulant-free and have done so many times before, but when I’m drinking coffee regularly, I also recognize that part of me will emotionally resist that idea.

What about cannabis? Could you do a year pot-free? With that question I get zero resistance – that would be a breeze. The last time I smoked pot was in 2013, so I’ve already gone a decade without it. I think I’m pretty safe in claiming dependency-free status there. I know plenty of people who’d react with strong resistance to the suggestion of taking a year off though.

I think there’s more subtlety to dependency than this though. You might want to continue exploring your relationship with a substance but not feel physiologically addicted to it. It can be tricky to assess the difference, but pay attention to which part of you the objection is coming from when you consider taking a year off. How needy does that objecting part feel? Also consider why you’re taking the substance.

I do think it’s more likely to point to some level of dependence if you’re consuming a substance for pleasure or escape, and when you consider taking a year off, the objection feels clingy and emotional, as if you’d be deprived of a basic need. Contrast this with having a mild sense of disappointment regarding missing out on the growth and transformation benefits if you abstain for a lengthy period of time – having more of a modest “Ah that would be a shame to abstain” feeling. Presently I get that sort of feeling when I think about taking a year off of psychedelics. The part of me that objects doesn’t feel needy or clingy. The objection feels like it’s coming from a more rational part of me that thinks I might miss out on some really interesting growth lessons and potential transformative gains if I put this exploration on pause for that long.

Another way to tell if you’re dependent or addicted is to stop all consumption for a while and see how your body reacts. If you get withdrawal symptoms, that’s a good sign you’ve developed a dependency, and your physiology needs time to adapt to life without the substance.

Lots of humans are long-term drug addicts in the physiological sense, especially with caffeine, cigarettes, alcohol, and various pharmaceuticals. I think the important factor here is to be honest, and to really assess your relationship with an addictive substance, it’s important to reflect upon your relationship from both sides – when you’re consuming it and when you’re not. Then compare notes.

A good way to do this is to journal about your relationship with the substance, sometimes while you’re consuming it and sometimes while you aren’t. Then read those entries back, again both while you’re consuming and while you aren’t. This will help you develop a broader perspective.

I did this with caffeine and found that I have a relatively positive relationship with it when I haven’t been consuming it continuously for too long. But if I have it daily for several months at a stretch, that relationship predictably sours, and then I feel much better switching to caffeine-free abstinence for a while.

To make this assessment of course requires that you take some time off from a substance. You can use this method in a broader sense too, especially when facing tricky decisions. For instance, how do you feel about your work when you’re at work and when you’re at home? Write journal entries about it at work and at home, and read them back in those different environments to compare. This will give you a more balanced perspective.

Shame, Fear, Guilt, and Regret

Negative emotions can become a part of people’s relationships with drugs for a variety of reasons. The illegality of many substances can be an issue, especially if you run into legal problems. Another issue can be the impact on your finances if you’re spending a lot of money on drugs or if drug use is negatively impacting your finances or income. More issues can arise if you’re worried about or subjected to judgmental attitudes from others. And there can be impacts to your work life as well, such as the risk of losing your job if your employer learned about your drug use.

If you have negative emotions wrapped into your relationship with any substances, there’s always the invitation to sort those out and decide what’s really true for you. See if you can separate the truth aspect of your relationship (i.e. the facts) from the interpretation that you and others may be layering on top of it (i.e. the assignment of meaning). Even as the facts may continue unchanged, you always have the power to alter the assignment of meaning.

I grew up being conditioned to layer a very negative – and highly irrational – assignment of meaning to drugs. It took a while to re-educate myself and teach my brain more truth, a process which is still ongoing. I found it important to be more flexible and open-minded regarding the assignment of meaning regarding drug consumption because that largely determines how I feel about it. I want to assign meanings that aligns with rationality, not with someone’s manipulative agendas.

I see no point in assigning meaning that generates negative emotions like shame, guilt, fear, and regret. Those assignments of meaning often trace back to someone else trying to encourage those emotions as leverage for control. Once you see that, it’s easier to dump those frames, which restores your own freedom to choose a more intelligent meaning.

For instance, are you a bad person or a derelict if you use drugs? Who wants you to feel that way? Whom does that framing serve? Yup, someone who wants to control your behavior. Do you want to be controlled?

What if you’ve made some big mistakes with drugs and got into some major trouble with them? You can still let the facts be the facts. There’s no need to feel bad about that. We humans make lots of mistakes. It makes more sense to own that. Shaming ourselves about it doesn’t actually help, so we can simply skip that part.

I prefer to frame mistakes as lessons and give myself room to make mistakes without beating myself up about it. It’s all part of the learning process. Drug-related mistakes can actually provide many benefits, such as turning into humorous stories when retold, which can lead to more intimacy and connection with people. I often love hearing stories about people’s worst drug-related experiences because when enough time passes, they tend to reflect back on such times with a sense of humor and hard-won wisdom, and we can connect over the sheer craziness of it all.

Also consider that if you use shame and guilt on other people, that’s going to affect your relationships with them, and you’re likely to hear less truth from them in return. If you’re doing this with anyone, also consider whether its a manipulative control strategy, and take a deeper look at whether that’s the kind of person you really want to be. Trying to make someone feel bad about themselves is very different than setting, communicating, and maintaining clear boundaries for yourself, your home, etc. You can maintain the boundaries you need without needing to manipulate anyone emotionally.

Ownership and Responsibility

For various reasons there can be a lot of denial regarding drug use. I want to distinguish this from keeping secrets, which you may be doing for very rational reasons, such as to prevent potential harm, legal jeopardy, or loss for yourself and others. Or you may prefer to avoid having to hear other people’s judgments, especially if you don’t find them helpful or productive.

I think one of the healthiest ways to relate to drugs is with ownership and responsibility. If you’re doing any sort of drugs, remember that you’re the one making that decision, so you might as well own it. If things have gotten out of control or if you’ve become addicted, you might as well own that too.

Where does your relationship with drugs exist? It’s all in your mind. The way you think and feel about that relationship is the relationship. Regardless of how much control you think you have, the responsibility for that relationship rests with you because you’re the one who has to deal with it.

Keep your hand on the wheel of responsibility. This includes being responsible for your feelings. If you don’t like the emotions that are bubbling up within you, you can invest in changing them as well. This won’t necessarily be easy, but it’s easier than dropping into helplessness.

I do a lot of self-development exploration, and I’ve so often seen how important is to fully own what I’m exploring, even if I’m relatively new to it and don’t really know what I’m doing yet. With any new exploration, there’s that bumbling beginner phase. I found it best to own my right to explore well beyond my current competencies. That’s how I learn and grow. It makes no sense to stick to what I know for sure because then I’ll stop growing. I’ll have more to offer and share with the world if I keep learning and exploring, and there’s value in sharing during the beginner phase as well.

I found that other people’s judgments were much worse when I wasn’t fully owning this aspect of my life, as if for some reason I needed to apologize for wanting to stretch myself. Some people also held the ridiculous notion that I was obligated to satisfy their expectations of me and that if I didn’t, they had to nudge me back in line. I quickly learned to enforce a stronger boundary there and to make it clear that I didn’t consent to suffering fools who’d object with harsh judgments whenever I got into something new. That worked very well, and it seems like I did a very good job of shedding those types of people a long time ago. It was a good kind of purge.

How many people have expressed objection to my exploration of psychedelics this year? I’m pretty sure it’s zero; at least I don’t recall anyone doing so. That isn’t because psychedelics aren’t controversial. I’m convinced it’s because I fully own this exploration. Holographically speaking, this is yet another pointer to the importance of having strong intentionality, similar to what happens during a psychedelic journey.

I say that if you’re going to consciously explore drugs, do your best to fully own it. Pre-decide what you’ll share about your explorations and whom you’ll share it with. And declare a boundary that you needn’t deal with anyone’s irrational judgments or attempts to emotionally manipulate you.

Recognize too that a lot of very smart, creative, high-contributing people have consumed various drugs during their lives. Many credit such experiences as major turning points.

Rebellion

One last relationship you can have with drugs that I’ll mention is that of rebellion. This probably won’t be part of your relationship with coffee or chocolate, but it could show up in your relationships with other drugs if there’s a part of you that wants to use them to thumb your nose at society or authority.

Exploring drugs can indeed serve as a way to assert your independence and slough off other people’s attempts to control or manipulate you. This is a phase that many people go through, and it can be a very positive step forward.

I do recommend that if this is part of your relationship with drugs, make it a temporary one. The problem with rebellion is that it’s a reactive type of relationship. Initially it can help you become more free, but if you stick with the rebel framing for too long, it actually makes you less free. Rebels need something to rebel against, and you may eventually want to relate to drugs in a more flexible way, without needing anything pushing against you.

When maintained for too long, the rebel posture can influence you to do drugs in less purposeful ways, such as when you don’t really want to be doing them. It may also encourage you to explore substances that don’t offer much long-term promise yet have major downsides, such as cigarettes.

Feel free to drive through the rebel tunnel, but don’t park inside it, lest the fumes consume you.

* * *

I applaud your endurance if you’ve read this far, and I hope this helped you reflect upon your relationship with drugs with more conscientiousness. We covered many different ways of relating to drugs, but this isn’t an exhaustive list by any means. How you relate to drugs can be complex, and you have many options for exploring these relationships throughout your lifetime.

One way of framing this challenge is to discover what modes of relating to drugs you appreciate most. For some that may be a form of abstinence. Others might prefer to dabble here and there. And still others may find value in deeper explorations. As you continue to learn and grow, your relationships with various drugs may evolve as well.

At this time in my life, I feel aligned with an attitude of curious yet cautious exploration with thoughtful intentionality. An especially rewarding aspect is how this pursuit has deepened my sense of connectedness and intimacy with people and with reality. I feel more present to the social aspects of life, and I feel more sensitive to the signals of intuition and inspiration. ❤️

Direct Core Relationships

Posted on 09/07/2023 by Boris Clair

Have you thought much about the core relationships you’d like to cultivate with life, such as your relationships with work, people, physical reality, your body, government, creativity, entertainment, time, food, intimacy, home, etc?

You surely have many specific instances of these relationships showing up in your life, such as a particular job or family member. But have you ever stepped back from the specifics to make some high-level decisions about the purest forms of these relationships that you want to experience? There’s tremendous power in doing this since it helps you elevate your standards, define boundaries, sculpt your character, and make wiser decisions.

Remember this: You won’t necessarily get what you want; you’ll get what you tolerate.

If you want to experience your desires, stop tolerating less than your desires. Don’t be so easily seduced by partial matches.

Repeatedly engaging with whatever shows up in your life and making decisions based on the menu that life presents you, however randomly, can eventually lead to a semi-chaotic mess. You may end up with a job that’s so-so, work that lacks purpose, a place to live that’s just okay, a romantic relationship that sometimes works but is mostly stringing you along, a body you wish would be better, and so on. Ordering off the limited standard menu is a surefire pathway to the land of partial matches.

Consider the difference between these three options:

Go to a typical restaurant, and make the best choice you can by ordering off the menu.
Pre-decide what type of meal (from anywhere) would please you most, and then either make it yourself or go to the restaurant where you expect to find that meal.
Reflect and decide what kind of high-level relationships you want to have with food, dining, and your body; then determine which meals would most honor those relationships and where you can find those meals.

In the first case you’re more likely to receive a partial match or a mismatch. In the second case, you’re being more proactive about clarifying what a match looks like and where you can expect to find it. In the third case, you’re assuming even more responsibility by reflecting upon the big picture and how you can honor your most consciously chosen standards.

The third case let’s you channel more power and make lower level decisions that you might not otherwise consider. For instance, you might move to a different part of town to be closer to the healthiest food options. Or move to a city with the kind of culture you really want to experience. It’s difficult to justify these kinds of decisions, if you haven’t clarified and committed to your high-level standards.

Accepting the Obvious

One benefit of thinking at the higher level and making decisions there first is that it helps you accept the obvious. You’ll recognize when you’re going to the wrong restaurant for you because it won’t satisfy your high-level standards. It won’t honor the direct core relationship you want to experience.

Many people don’t want to face this simple truth, so they remain in denial, telling themselves they’ll just have to make the best of what shows up. I get emails from people living in the Bible Belt, for instance, lamenting that they can’t seem to find intelligent, open-minded relationship partners there. Ya think?

Another common instance is when someone would choose to do creative work yet finds themselves in an uncreative department, an uncreative school, an uncreative company, or an uncreative field. They may get sucked into thinking of their career options based on the limited field of “opportunities” around them, instead of acknowledging the obvious.

When you look deeply into your desires and decide what you want at the higher levels, it’s important to accept the obvious, which is that you won’t get far unless you commit to those standards, which means you’re going to have to start dismissing and rejecting partial matches.

Passing the Test

Most likely when you make some high-level decisions – real decisions, not wishy-washy pretend ones – about the direct core relationships you want with different area of life, you’ll find life testing your resolve. You may encounter even more partial matches or mismatches, as if life is tempting you to settle for less. It is tempting you. Life wants to find out how certain and committed you are. It doesn’t want to meet your standard if it doesn’t have to.

This is the time when it’s most important to maintain your standards and keep them high. Accept the test that life is offering you, and pass it by rejecting the partial matches. Keep reaffirming what you want. Don’t settle. Reminder yourself that the direct core relationship you want is possible, but not if you settle for less.

If you want to do work that feels meaningful and purposeful to you, decline the job that’s almost purposeful. Hold out for the one that really lights you up.

If you want a sexually engaging relationship, decline the partial match that feels sexually stunted.

Passing the test includes dealing with the inner objections that may arise along the way, like the voice that tells you you’re being unreasonable, the voice of impatience, and so on.

Reciprocity

Don’t expect a free ride because relationships run both ways. Clarify what you’re willing and able to give to each relationship as well as what you desire to receive. What’s the overall experiential package?

If you want to do creative work sustainably, what’s your commitment on the giving side? In addition to publishing your work, will you also mentor and support others? Will you share openly about your creative process to help other creative people?

If you want a generous lover, will you also be a generous lover? Is that part of your commitment too?

For many people it’s easier to raise their standards on one side (giving or receiving) and harder on the other. Some people find it relatively easy to clarify their personal desires, but they aren’t offering much to life in exchange, so the offer falls flat. Other people find it natural to give and serve others, but they find it difficult to decline situations where they aren’t receiving much.

Regardless of the challenges, life seems to appreciate (and often require) reciprocity, especially when it’s so deeply woven into the offer that we no longer see much separation between the two sides.

A Personal Example: Community vs. Commerce

One example of a direct core relationship decision was that I wanted to socialize directly with the people I serve through my work and business. This decision was largely born of pain from doing the opposite at first. During the first five years of running my computer games business in the 1990s, I mainly worked with publishers. They would fund my game projects, but all of the customers would be theirs. Note that this was before social media, so there weren’t already established ways to build direct relationships with customers. There was no Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, etc. There was no Google yet either.

I soon discovered that I found more joy in these direct customer relationships than I did in going through publishers as gatekeepers. I kept leaning in this direction, releasing some small games directly online, even though it wasn’t working very well financially at first. Customers began emailing me feedback, so I could finally interact with them a little. I added a customer discussion forum to my website way before that was popular. I also hosted an indie developer forum for many years to connect with peers in the field. These weren’t financially lucrative decisions, but I felt more engaged with the business when I made more community-oriented choices. It just seemed like the right standard for my overall happiness, and over time I began clarifying the importance of this community relationship aspect and choosing to do it more consciously.

This direct community aspect remains a big part of my life and work to this day, both with customers and with peers, and I’ve explored it in many more ways, such as with our workshops, courses, and Conscious Growth Club.

Another aspect of my work is that I like to run my life and business based on casual social rules as opposed to commercial rules as much as possible. It’s important to make a sustainable income and to deliver on business commitments and responsibilities, but otherwise I prefer to operate with a more community- and service-oriented mindset and heartset. That’s one reason I like to open Conscious Growth Club for new members only once a year. This allows us to get the transactional part handled in a week, and then we can spend the rest of the year relating, connecting, and growing as human beings without having to deal with any commercial aspects. There aren’t any upsells or financially-oriented decisions to deal with inside the club, and that’s exactly how I like it. I prefer to focus on serving and connecting with people as friends and colleagues inside, and I like having a community that resonates with that approach.

Many businesses are very businessy. It’s obvious that they play mainly by commercial rules, not social ones. I think they have their place in the world, but I never resonated with working in that kind of operation, nor with building one. I love intimacy – and hugs – and too much commercialization gets in the way of that. I do what’s necessary on the financial side to keep my life and work abundantly sustainable, but I’m way more motivated by community and connection. Most days that I’m working, I don’t think about money at all. I spend way more time thinking about the people that I regularly connect with.

So this is an example of acknowledging that the businessy way of doing business isn’t a match for me. It’s not even a partial match. It’s just a mismatch. It doesn’t help me create the kind of life I want to experience.

In considering the direct core relationship I want to have with my work and business, I’ve been able to clarify that I want to prioritize the community and co-creative exploration aspects above the commercial aspects. This helps me make more aligned decisions that feel right to me. I like being a person who can freely explore, share, and connect with people in deep and meaningful ways. I like being a person who doesn’t put so much emphasis on transactions yet who can still manage that aspect of life and business without feeling overly resistant to it. I like earning enough money that I can ignore money most of the time, so I can focus more energy and attention on what matters.

Living by Your Own Rules

Pay attention to how you feel when following different rules and standards. Notice where inner objections arise. How do you feel when a business treats you only like the money you’re worth to them. How do you feel when people set commerce aside and connect like real human beings, even when there’s a transactional aspect involved?

How do you feel about the standards you’re currently honoring in life? Are any of these standards screaming for an upgrade?

It’s a Sunday morning, and I felt inspired to write and publish this right after I got up, before having any breakfast. Is today a workday? I don’t know. I just like honoring the energy of inspiration when it shows up; that’s part of the direct core relationship with life that I enjoy and appreciate.

In a few weeks, I’ll be traveling to Belfast, Edinburgh, and London. I’ve been to London twice before, but this will be my first time in Northern Ireland and Scotland. I love exploring new places; it lights me up inside, and it further honors the core relationship I want to have with life – a highly engaged one.

What are the rules and standards by which you want to live? I encourage you to reflect upon them and clarify what really matters to you. Realize that you needn’t follow anyone else’s rules or expectations. If you don’t like the rules that have been presented to you, rewrite them. You’re not limited to the current menu.

Harnessing the Power of Reframing to Enhance Your Personal Growth

Posted on 09/05/2023 by Boris Clair

In my personal growth journey, I frequently use a transformative tool known as reframing. Reframing is the process of shifting our perspectives (or frames) to better understand and navigate our experiences. This tool is transformative because our framing directly impacts how we perceive situations, make decisions, and ultimately, shape our lives. It’s not just about changing how we view things; it’s about changing the outcomes we can achieve.

Testing Different Frames

A fascinating way to explore the power of reframing is by testing new perspectives where they diverge from our existing ones. We can think of this as a contest between frames, where the winner is the frame that leads to the most accurate predictions and intelligent decisions.

To test a new frame, we can form statements such as:

If I do X [action], then Y [outcome] will likely happen.

We can then compare these predictions with those of our previous frames. When the outcomes differ, we can devise tests to determine which frame offers more accurate predictions.

The power of a frame lies within its predictive accuracy. Frames without practical predictive application are largely affectations and not necessarily significant.

Dating and Relationships

Years ago when I was exploring the realm of dating and relationships, a friend, who was well-versed in social situations, made a prediction about a woman’s interest in me based solely on her body language from across the room. Despite my initial skepticism, his prediction proved astonishingly accurate. This incident challenged my existing frames and opened my eyes to the power of body language and social cues. This stunningly accurate prediction led me to internalize a new frame, one that I could not unsee.

Such experiences illustrate why testing different frames can be so enriching. Even frames that initially seem strange or counterintuitive can sometimes yield surprising results. This is why I delved into exploring Subjective Reality so much, including creating the 60-lesson Submersion course. The results were simply better.

Reframing and Skill Enhancement

Reframing is an extraordinary tool for skill enhancement too. It allows us to unlock more of our natural abilities and overcome mental barriers. In the realm of public speaking, for instance, reframing can alleviate fear, anxiety, and nervousness. By shifting the frame from viewing a speaking engagement as a performance to a co-created experience, it transforms the situation into a mutually beneficial and enjoyable flow.

Pushing the boundaries of a new frame can be a powerful way to test its potential. For example, in 2015, I ran the three-day Conscious Heart Workshop in Las Vegas with no pre-planned content, relying solely on the flow of inspiration and audience suggestions. This challenge allowed me to test the new frame to its limits, resulting in a fun and engaging experience – and with no nervousness or anxiety. With my old frames, I could never have hoped to do have a three-day, off-the-cuff workshop – confidently, trusting in the flow of ideas, and with glowingly positive feedback from participants.

Reframing and Financial Abundance

Reframing can also significantly impact our relationship with financial abundance. In my 20s, I struggled financially, even going bankrupt at 28. My frame at that time was primarily about trying to earn money. However, this approach did not lead to the desired outcome.

Today my relationship with money is very different and has been so for many years. Instead of chasing money, I focus on creating interesting experiences, stretching myself creatively, and continuously learning and growing. This shift in perspective has allowed financial abundance to flow with relative ease.

Embracing Positive Emotional Energy

One of the most significant upgrades in my framing process is paying attention to my emotional energy. By working towards making the emotional energy positive in all situations, I enjoy the process of creation more. For instance, while creating my most recent YouTube video, I focused on enjoying the process rather than striving for a specific outcome. This positive energy not only made the creation process enjoyable but also enhanced the overall vibe of the finished video.

Gamifying the Process

Another valuable aspect of reframing involves gamification. By viewing tasks as elements of a game, we can transform potentially dull or tedious tasks into fun, engaging activities.

For example, when I wanted to create a thumbnail image for that same video, I initially felt resistance towards this task as it seemed boring. However, by reframing the task as an opportunity to play with Stable Diffusion to create a unique background image, I transformed this otherwise dull task into an enjoyable process. I like using creative AI tools, so that was a more interesting way to begin. Not only did this make the task more engaging, but it also resulted in a higher than average clickthrough rate for the video. I often find that when I seek the path of enjoyment internally, the external results are good too.

Another gamification was to challenge myself to record all 20 minutes of the video in one continuous take – no pauses or retakes. This added an element of risk and excitement, making the process more stimulating. Such challenges often transform mundane tasks into compelling experiences.

Reframing: A Powerful Tool for Personal Growth

The journey of personal growth is not a linear path but a dynamic, evolving process. As we navigate down this road, tools like reframing play an instrumental role in shaping our experiences, skills, and outcomes. Reframing helps us to continually challenge our perceptions, test our boundaries, and discover new ways of thinking and being.

In fact, this skill is so important that for this new Year in Conscious Growth Club, which started on May 1st, we’ve introduced a new live call format (one of many) called Reframing Rendezvous. On these calls I’ll spend an hour guiding our members through reframing practice, so they can get better at this key skill over the course of our year together.

As we explore different frames and incorporate them into our lives, we not only enrich our experiences but also deepen our understanding of ourselves and the world around us. Whether it’s improving our social interactions, enhancing our skills, achieving financial abundance, or transforming tedious tasks into engaging activities, reframing offers a powerful tool for personal growth.

Always remember that a problem, challenge, or opportunity can be defined in multiple ways. Stay open to questioning your default mode of thinking about situations, especially when you find yourself stuck for a while. Sometimes the best breakthroughs come from releasing your old viewpoints and looking at life from fresh and divergent angles.

Discover Clarity: Illuminate Your Way to Happiness

Posted on 04/05/2023 by Boris Clair

Are you seeking more clarity and direction in your life? I recorded this new video to share insights and guidance on how to let go of confusion, ambivalence, and resistance, empowering you to create a clear path forward. I put a lot of thought into it – I hope you enjoy it!

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If you watch the video, I invite you to post a comment on YouTube to let me know your thoughts about the role of clarity in your life.

I enjoyed the creative process of making this one and recorded the whole 20 minutes in a single take – no retakes. That made the editing especially easy. I used Stable Diffusion to create the forest background in the thumbnail image.

I’ve been working hard on improving my video production skills, including investing in some upgrades to my home studio. I felt that lighting had long been my weakest area, so I’ve been seeking to patiently transform that into a strength through many hours of experimentation. I actually used 7 different lights to make this one. This is especially challenging since I’m color blind, but Rachelle helps me out with with picking the colors, which I very much appreciate. 😀

Today’s Your Last Chance: Transform Your Life with Conscious Growth Club Year 7 🌟

Posted on 01/05/2023 by Boris Clair

Today marks the final day to join Conscious Growth Club (CGC) for Year 7, and we want to ensure you don’t miss out on this life-changing opportunity. The enrollment period ends at midnight Pacific Time tonight, May 1st. If you’ve been on the fence about joining, now is the time to take action and become a part of our amazing, transformative community.

Throughout the years, our members have experienced significant personal growth, from starting new businesses to achieving their health goals, and even embarking on life-changing adventures. CGC has been instrumental in providing the support, resources, and connections needed to help our members create these powerful transformations in their lives.

As the enrollment deadline approaches, we’re excited to share that we’ve welcomed 30 members to CGC Year 7 so far. Our community is buzzing with anticipation for the growth, connections, and adventures we’ll share together in the upcoming year.

Joining CGC offers a unique opportunity to accelerate your personal growth journey. By becoming a member, you’ll gain access to a supportive and inspiring community, diverse learning opportunities, enhanced accountability, and so much more. We have exciting new call formats and improvements for CGC Year 7, which I’ve shared previously on my blog.

To help you better understand the CGC experience and the benefits of joining our vibrant community, I’ve created two informative videos:

A video highlighting 20 powerful benefits of joining CGC (13 minutes):

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A video about the community aspects of CGC (12 minutes):

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You may also want to peruse the CGC FAQ for even more info about the club. We’ve carefully crafted this resource to address a variety of topics, ensuring you have all the information you need to make an informed decision. There’s even a walkthrough video showing the CGC portal and private forums (see the second FAQ item).

One of the key benefits of joining CGC is the accountability it provides. Members are encouraged to share their goals, progress, and challenges with the community, fostering a strong sense of support and camaraderie. This level of accountability can be a game-changer, helping you to stay focused and committed to your personal growth journey.

Don’t miss this once-a-year opportunity to join Conscious Growth Club and embrace the growth, connection, and transformation it offers. We’re here to support you every step of the way in a warm and nurturing environment.

Are you ready to embark on your personal growth journey with CGC? Join now and secure your spot in CGC Year 7 before the enrollment window closes tonight!

Join CGC Year 7 Now

To your continued growth and success! 🌟

Get Fired as Quickly as You Can

Posted on 18/04/2023 by Boris Clair

This week Rachelle and I have been attending the NAB Show, a major creative conference and expo in Vegas covering content creation and production across film, radio, TV, broadcast, streaming, and more. This is the show’s 100th anniversary, so it’s been evolving over many years. I’ve never been to it before, but I heard of it last year, and Aputure offered us free passes this year, so I figured we’d at least check it out. I’m glad we went since it’s been worthwhile.

My favorite part was a one-hour conversation with Brett Goldstein, who was very warm, open-hearted, and funny. Brett is the actor who plays Roy Kent in the Ted Lasso series, and he shared a lot of creative wisdom.

The moderator was Ashley Nicole Black, one of Brett’s co-writers on Ted Lasso. She shared an interesting and effective piece of career advice she’d received as a writer: Try to get fired as quickly as you can.

She took that to mean that instead of trying to fit in as a new writer on a team, share all the ideas that you sense could get you fired for going too far or for being too odd or over-the-top. That’s where you’ll find your creative gold.

This will likely get you fired from teams where you really don’t belong – teams that won’t appreciate what you bring to the table. And that’s a good thing since it will free you up to discover where you do belong.

Both Ashley and Brett agreed that the ideas that you’d think people will reject most harshly are often the best career-making moves. This included Brett suggesting that he be cast as Roy Kent in Ted Lasso, which could have backfired badly since he was a writer for the show. He had a strong feeling that he was meant to play that character, so he went with his gut and made the offer. What if he’d held back and played it safe instead?

“Try to get fired as quickly as you can” could be a nice mantra for finding the work and career path that can handle your full range of strengths and talents. If you try to fully express those aspects of yourself where they aren’t appreciated, you could easily get fired.

Brett also shared that he’s come to believe that there are really no bad ideas – just bad timing and bad context. A seemingly bad idea in one situation might be brilliant in another.

Even if your potential strengths are rough around the edges, you still need to start expressing them in order to hone them. They won’t get any better if you hide them.

Want a lifeless and mediocre career instead? Don’t rock the boat and try to fit in. That’s a great way to end up where you don’t belong. Are you in that situation now? You can still apply the advice here, starting today.

This works if you own a business too. Think of it as scaring away the customers, clients, and partners who can’t handle your uniqueness. If you still have a viable business after that, you probably have a keeper that you can invest in long-term. And you’ll get to serve people who appreciate what you do for them. Plus you won’t have to deal with the headaches of bending over to serve total mismatches.

I’ve seen time and time again that the ideas that felt risky or edgy to me were often those that produced the most value for people. The articles that I was most hesitant to publish were frequently the most impactful. I’ve enjoyed a delightful lifestyle thanks to the simple, repeated act of sharing honestly.

Instead of fearing criticism and consequences from people who aren’t a match for you anyway, you may as well deliberately court their rejection to speed things along. For instance, if Trump supporters are a lousy match for your business – as they are for mine – channel your inner Logan Roy and tell them to fuck off! They need to hear it because they’re being really, really stupid. Then focus on serving the people you like and respect. Remember the rule: Mutual respect or disconnect.

Some people have an objection to this because they feel that we should all be connected on a spiritual level. Hey… spirit gave rise to differentiation too, so don’t be so afraid of it. Go ahead and love everyone at the level of spirit, but dump the mismatches on the mental, physical, and emotional levels, so you can do some real exploring of what matters to you. Don’t hide behind spirituality as an excuse for avoiding rejection – it’s inauthentic and phony, and you’ll lose the respect of some great matches when you do that. Don’t pretend that you resonate with everyone you meet. Bounce over to the circles where mutual alignment is strong. Bounce out where resonance is weak.

It’s often the case that you must bounce out of a mismatch before you’ll even perceive the possibility of a match. That’s because if you’re in a mismatched situation, you’re actually repelling matches, usually before you can even perceive them.

You can also apply this advice to relationships. Think of your best relationships as being anti-fragile. You can express the full range of your personality without holding back, and you’ll still be loved. Imagine getting involved with someone new with the attitude of sharing everything about yourself that’s you think will induce someone to reject you. Anyone who makes it through is likely to be a strong match.

So share the ideas and express the aspects of your personality that you hallucinate will get you fired, rejected, or cast out. That will help you discover where you’re most appreciated and where you can push your talents and develop your ideas even further.