The 6 Most Common Issues Introverts Bring Up In Therapy

Posted on 03/08/2024 by Boris Clair

As someone who spends a lot of time alone, I’d call myself an introvert. Not only do I enjoy my own company, but also I need that time alone to recharge myself even if it was just from a tiny social interaction. However, on the other hand, extroverts get energised by being around people and receiving lots of stimulation.

With that said, sometimes society isn’t made to fit the needs of introverts, and it can be difficult to socialise and communicate. That’s where therapy comes in handy: It can help you navigate these situations and assist you in exploring your own inner life, making you more comfortable with your quieter nature and your needs that come with it.

Below, we asked therapists to share the most common topics introverts frequently bring up in therapy and why they usually come up. If you relate, you’re not alone.

Finding space to recharge their social battery

Everyone needs a bit of alone time every now and then. However, some need it more than others ― and it can be hard to achieve that when loved ones may not understand how important it is or if you don’t have the physical space to just be isolated.

“Many introverts may feel drained after socialising with friends, and it’s important for them to create space to recharge. This can be difficult if they live with a partner or roommate,” said Kristen Casey, a telehealth clinical psychologist and insomnia specialist. “In therapy, we usually discuss how to communicate their needs effectively to ensure their friends or family understand that the creation of space from others is not personal.”

Kristen Gingrich, a therapist and certified alcohol and drug counsellor, said that she usually tells her clients to go into a bathroom for five to seven minutes to ground themselves and recoup since it’s the place where you’re least likely to be bothered.

Setting boundaries with friends and loved ones

Many people find it difficult to set boundaries, but it can be even harder for introverts to speak up for themselves and communicate their needs.

“A lot of times, introverts talk about how they struggle to set boundaries because it can require more extroverted energy than they are comfortable with,” Gingrich said.

She added that when an introverted client is struggling with this, they may discuss ways to set boundaries that are clear and to the point, as sometimes it can be easy to get caught up in the discussion aspect as opposed to actually setting them.

Additionally, coping skills and distress tolerance skills are usually talked about because uncomfortable feelings and emotions will likely arise when setting boundaries, and it’s important for clients to know how to manage those in a healthy way when they come up.

Managing communication with friends

This isn’t a topic only introverts bring up in therapy, but it comes up often because it can be overwhelming to respond to texts and calls sometimes when your social battery is running low.

“The concept of answering phone calls or text messages may feel overwhelming for some introverts, and they may struggle with coaching their loved ones on their preferences for communication,” Casey said.

In these instances, the client might raise concerns around friends and family members taking their delay in response personally or viewing it as a sign that they don’t value the relationship, as opposed to it simply being a result of their needs.

“In therapy, we explore ways to coach friends and family on their preferences or how to answer briefly to maintain the relationship,” Casey said.

Setting boundaries and communicating with loved ones is important for introverts to maintain their alone time.

Managing overstimulation and irritability

After a while of socialising in a group setting, introverts will need that alone time to recharge their battery. When they can’t get that or have trouble communicating that need, it can sometimes lead to irritability ― a topic that introverts tend to bring up in therapy as they are looking for better ways to manage it.

“This is a thing I see with introverts and that is when they are overstimulated or their social battery runs empty, that they either shut down or it turns into irritability, which is really common,” Gingrich said.

In session, the therapist and client will together to discuss and build mindfulness skills and coping techniques to help prepare them for situations when they are highly irritable or overstimulated.

“We also talk about how to take accountability for the times where their irritability may get the best of them and come out towards other people,” Gingrich said.

Although it may be difficult, it’s important to take accountability and move forward in a more healthy and productive manner.

Wanting to find a romantic relationship

Dating is hard for just about anybody ― this includes introverts, who get easily drained by social interactions. Going on many dates can feel overwhelming for an introvert who needs frequent alone time to recharge.

“Clients often bring this up often because the idea of internet dating seems daunting with meeting lots of people and going out on different occasions,” said Heather Kent, a registered psychotherapist and trauma recovery specialist in Canada.

It’s not that introverts don’t want romantic relationships, but it can be hard to find the balance necessary to suit the needs of both people.

Dealing with societal pressure

Society places a lot of pressure on people to maintain the status quo in just about everything. However, introverts tend to find this hard when the extroverted personality is the default.

“Introverts often bring up how they worry about how others feel about them and that they feel a constant societal pressure to be involved in activities and engaged with friends,” Casey said. “They may also sometimes think that something is wrong with them, or that they aren’t living up to societal standards because of this.”

During sessions, she works with her clients to explore the need to adjust their own expectations with societal standards to ensure they feel seen and heard and live a life of their choosing. It’s more advantageous than trying to be someone you’re not.

5 Ways Therapists Personally Deal With FOMO

Posted on 21/05/2024 by Boris Clair

FOMO, or the fear of missing out, is a common feeling, especially in a social-media obsessed world where every activity is documented. It involves the perception or belief that others may be doing better, more exciting things while you’re left out.

Though experiencing FOMO is totally normal and valid, it can also negatively affect your self-esteem, self-worth and happiness. Speaking to HuffPost, therapists who frequently deal with FOMO described how they handle it in their own lives, and offered advice for others who struggle with the feeling:

1. They shift their mindset

Sometimes you need to adjust your mindset when thinking about FOMO, according to Erica Basso, a licensed psychotherapist and the founder of Erica Basso Therapy. Instead of focusing on an experience you lost out on, consider what you may have gained in that same time period.

“I once heard someone say ‘JOMO’ –– the joy of missing out –– and that really stuck with me,” Basso said, noting that she often used to dwell on “what I was missing out on, how my life was lacking, and not feeling great about it.”

“But when I reframed it as ‘well, what’s the joy in missing out on this?’ it really enlightened what I could focus on that was positive,” she said.

For example, if you missed a party and stayed in, think about how you may have indulged in self-care or the relaxation that your body and mind desperately needed.

2. They take some deep breaths when FOMO feels overwhelming

Taking a deep breath when experiencing FOMO may cultivate a sense of calmness.

“FOMO often triggers the body’s stress response, activating the sympathetic nervous system, also known as the fight-or-flight response,” said Israa Nasir, a therapist and the founder of Well.Guide. “Focused breathing techniques, such as deep diaphragmatic breathing or box breathing, can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the body’s relaxation response.”

Nasir recommended this box-breathing exercise: Find a quiet space, close your eyes, then inhale for four seconds, hold your breath for another four seconds, and exhale slowly for another four seconds to complete a “box,” or cycle. Nasir said she engages in these breathing cycles for around 90 seconds to feel at ease.

3. They set boundaries

When thinking about FOMO, remind yourself that you don’t have to attend every event or engage in every activity you were invited to.

Emma Giordano, a therapist at Empower Your Mind Therapy, makes sure to check-in with herself and prioritize her boundaries. It’s unrealistic to expect to do everything you want to, she said.

For instance, if you feel like you have to work instead of going out with friends, focus on how you take care of your responsibilities first by setting that as a boundary, since work is important to you.

In practice, this could mean politely declining invitations to be more intentional with your time, said Nekeshia Hammond, a psychologist, author and speaker.

If scrolling on social media triggers your FOMO, try putting boundaries on your screen time. You might set a stopwatch when you open an app or log in online, capping these activities to a few minutes per day.

4. They allow themselves to feel their FOMO

In a society that is always on the go, sometimes it may be beneficial to just sit with your FOMO, said Basso. Confronting your anxious thoughts might be uncomfortable, but it can also give you a sense of agency and awareness in exploring why you’re feeling this way.

“Being aware of your emotions and thought patterns may enable you to recognize when FOMO arises,” Hammond said, adding that this “empowers me to respond with clarity and intentionality, rather than being swept away by fleeting desires or external pressures.”

5. They practice gratitude

Practicing gratitude while experiencing FOMO is one way to combat the feeling. Nasir said she creates a daily gratitude practice to shift her focus from what she’s missing out on to what she’s grateful for in the present moment.

“Whether it’s through journaling, meditation or simply taking a few moments to reflect, acknowledging the positives in your life can help counteract feelings of FOMO and foster a greater sense of contentment and fulfillment,” she said.

The 5 Most Common Back-To-School Concerns That Parents Bring Up In Therapy

Posted on 10/08/2023 by Boris Clair

Back-to-school season is full of anticipation for both kids and parents. New teachers, new routines and new friends are all exciting but can also provoke anxiety for everyone involved.

HuffPost asked therapists who work with parents about what issues they tend to bring up this time of year. Here’s what they said.

Kids’ learning needs

Though few pandemic-related educational shifts were positive, one potentially helpful development was that when students learned at home, parents got a chance to see what was going on in their classrooms and how well their particular academic needs were being served.

Post-pandemic, many parents’ awareness of these issues – and their stress levels – is still heightened.

“Parents got to see: This is how my child learns. This is how my child engages with their classroom,” Mercedes Samudio, a licensed social worker and author of Shame-Proof Parenting, told HuffPost.

As a new school year begins, some parents may worry that their children will run into issues they’d faced in previous years or that a teacher won’t be attentive to their child’s particular learning needs.

Though it’s important to keep in mind any issues a child has had at school, it’s also critical to give each new relationship the benefit of beginning with a blank slate.

A different teacher or a different mix of students may bring out a side of your child you haven’t seen before. Also, don’t underestimate how much your child matures and changes from one year to the next.

Just because something was an issue in first grade doesn’t mean it will continue in the second grade.

Since you won’t be at your child’s side listening to what the teacher has to say, the best way to stay up-to-date with how things are going in the classroom is to have regular check-ins with your child.

“I’ve always encouraged family meetings. But I think having weekly check-ins, especially during the beginning of the school year, helps everyone to feel supported and set up,” Samudio said.

Your child will know they have this space to let you know about any issues, and you will also be able to identify other people they can turn to, such as a school counsellor or nurse, if they need help during school hours.

Samudio suggests adding the check-in to the calendar, just like any doctor’s appointment or athletic practice.

During these check-ins, try to ask open-ended questions – but stay away from the well-worn and often useless “How was your day?” That will often elicit a rote, one-word response (“Fine”). Here is a list of the kinds of questions that might help you get a sense of what your child’s days are like.

You want to give them an opening to express “a whole spectrum of emotions at the beginning of the school year,” not simply happiness, Samudio said.

She added that parents should try not to make assumptions about what their kids may be anxious about when it comes to milestones, such as the first day. Instead, ask, “What are you most looking forward to?” and “What are you least looking forward to?”

Neha Navsaria, a psychologist consultant with the Parent Lab and professor of psychiatry at Washington University School of Medicine in St Louis, suggested using a “I wonder what/how…” phrase with children.

This phrase, she told HuffPost, “is very inviting to young children because it is an indirect way to pose a question, but it comes out as a statement of curiosity (‘I wonder what it was like to be in a new classroom with a different teacher?’).”

The return of homework

One of the best things about summer for kids is forgetting about homework completely. This is often an equal relief for parents, who may feel pulled into a cycle of nagging and fighting over homework as soon as school begins.

“Keeping kids on-task with their school work can be a source of battles and power struggles between parents and children,” Navsaria said.

Conflict becomes more likely “when parents and children have different learning styles and organisational methods. This is further exacerbated when children have specific deficits in learning and organisation, such as ADHD, learning disabilities and developmental delays.”

She recommends that parents try to set aside their own assumptions and sit down for a moment to calmly problem-solve with their child.

“Parents can easily fall into a trap of assuming that their child isn’t taking something seriously at school and the parent is the only one thinking about it —which creates a burden on the parent and increases their stress. By opening up the discussion with your child, you may hear that he or she has plenty of thoughts about the situation, but they needed a sounding board and some guidance to move forward.”

For example, rather than assuming that a child doesn’t want to complete a project, a parent might be able to help them break tasks into manageable steps and schedule time to complete each one — with ample breaks between work sessions.

The spectre of school violence

It’s unlikely that there will be a shooting at your child’s school (their odds of being shot at school are about 1 in 10 million), but it’s almost certain that they will take part in a lockdown drill and rehearse hiding in the corner of a darkened classroom.

Such practices have come under criticism for a lack of effectiveness and the potential psychological effects they have on children, but they remain a regular occurrence in American schools.

Samudio said she has heard a number of parents worrying about the ways violence in our society will, directly or indirectly, affect their children. “The kind of violence that we have in the world — kids can’t be shielded from that anymore,” she said. In generations past, we might have assumed that schools were a safe space, but parents and kids today can’t rest in that comfort.

If you hear that there has been a lockdown drill (or an actual lockdown) at your child’s school, you’ll want to talk to them about it. But, again, don’t make assumptions, and let your child lead the conversation.

Ask questions like, “What did you do?” “Why were you doing it” and “How did you feel?” You don’t want to add any distress to their interpretation. At the same time, you want them to know that you’re open to hearing about any fear they may have.

The transition from summer to the school year

Though it’s natural for parents to be concerned about their child’s academic performance, there’s actually not much they can do to assess or improve their child’s skill level on their own.

School readiness, on the other hand, comprises lots of skills, many of which you can give your child the opportunity to practice at home. Being able to complete tasks like using the bathroom and opening their lunch box by themselves “help them feel autonomous and competent and independent in the school setting,” Sarah Bren, a psychologist in New York, told HuffPost.

Emotional regulation skills are also key, Bren said. “If a kid is feeling really anxious all day at school, you’re not going to take in anything even if you’re academically super ready.”

Helping kids practice emotional regulation can begin with simply helping them recognise and name their emotions. You can encourage this by offering labels for their feelings: “You seem angry right now. Are you feeling angry?”

Another way that you can help facilitate a smooth transition is to gradually move mealtimes, bedtimes and wake-up times so that the new schedule of the first day back doesn’t come as such a shock to the system.

“You’re just taking the changes you have control over and moving them up in the schedule a little bit [so they’re] not all happening at once,” Bren explained.

“You are transitioning from a more care-free and less scheduled lifestyle to a back-to-school mode, which is more regimented and scheduled,” Navsaria added.

“Without the daily structure of school anchoring a family, it is easy for parents to become lax with some of these rules [in summer]. This is not a bad thing, consistently reinforcing routines can be exhausting for parents, but it is important to acknowledge that it then makes the transition back to school routines more challenging,” she said.

Moving bedtimes back by 10- to 15-minute increments over a number of days can make this process easier.

Feeling overwhelmed

One thing most parents confront at some point during the back-to-school transition is a feeling of being overwhelmed: open houses, lunch boxes, musical instruments, team uniforms and an endless series of online portals, each requiring a new user name and password.

“This means more coordination of schedules and more communication of
which to keep track,” Navsaria said.

“This can often leave parents in this state of high alert, feeling that they are going to miss an important announcement or their child will be left out of an experience,” she added.

The fear that we’re going to drop one of the balls that we’re juggling is very real — and it can help to admit this.

Bren likes the following image: “In the air, there’s a million balls. Some are rubber and some are glass.” It can be helpful, she said, to put “a little thought into which are glass and which are rubber because I think sometimes as parents, we don’t let ourselves distinguish those two things.”

Forgetting a violin or gym clothes, for example, are slips with minimal consequences – rubber balls that we can just let go.

But if we don’t allow ourselves the possibility of dropping any ball ever, “we’re much more likely then to accidentally drop a glass one. … It’s not possible to keep all these balls in the air. But if I give myself permission to sometimes drop balls, I’m going to be much more likely to say which are the ones I can drop and which are the ones I can’t.”

Samudio concurs, saying that one way for parents to reduce their stress levels is to hold themselves to more realistic expectations. An attitude of “everything is gonna go right as long as I planned it to a tee” is unrealistic, she said.

“Somebody probably will forget their musical instrument. Somebody probably will at the last minute need to do a project and you’ll have to go to Staples and get all that stuff. All of this will happen.”

“Being honest with yourself at the beginning of the school year” that such things will occur, Samudio said, and then not making a big deal about them when they do, can both lower your stress level and help teach your kids how to handle setbacks.

The best way to teach them to go easy on themselves is to show yourself a little grace in such moments. “They can see that you’re telling them to be nice to themselves, and you’re beating yourself up all the time,” Samudio said.

How To Pull Off A Therapy Session In The Middle Of Your Workday

Posted on 03/01/2023 by Boris Clair

Just as you take care of your physical health, therapy is an important aspect of taking care of your mental health. Making a therapy appointment can be a tricky task, especially if your therapist’s schedule overlaps with your workday.

It’s normal to experience a range of intense emotions following your therapy session. Understand that it may seem tough to transition back to work if you’re feeling emotionally and mentally drained. There are also a few ways to make going about your to-do list a little easier post-session.

If you plan to schedule your appointment during work hours, aim for a day when your workload may be lighter and you can work from home, if possible. Moreover, try to block some additional “transition time” in your schedule for after the visit, says Katie Duke, a nurse practitioner on the health care advisory board of the Figs clothing company in Santa Monica, California.

If you have the appointment on a busier workday, it is also helpful to inform your therapist if there are any important meetings that are happening after the session so that the therapist can also be mindful about tailoring what is talked about in the visit, says Alyssa Mancao, a therapist and founder of Alyssa Marie Wellness in Los Angeles.

Mancao also recommends being aware of time so you can spend the last 10 minutes of the visit on coping techniques to transition back to “work mode.”

And if you need a little extra help beyond that, here are a few expert-approved tips on how to pull yourself together after therapy if your appointment is during work:

Go for a walk

Mancao recommends going for a 15-minute walk after your therapy session to help calm your nervous system and transition your mind from being in “therapy mode.”

Take some time to get some fresh air and go for a walk outside or make a few rounds in your office building, if possible.

Try a quick breathing exercise

Deep breathing is a practice that helps cultivate mindfulness, aka. the ability to be present. Mindfulness can help calm your busy mind, improve your mood and reduce any stress you may be experiencing.

“Taking slow, controlled breaths that engage the diaphragm sends signals to our brain to evoke calmness and relaxation,” says Andrea Elkon, a psychologist with Best Within You Therapy & Wellness, based in Atlanta.

She recommends trying the following diaphragmatic breathing practice:

Aim to count to at least four as you inhale, imagining your diaphragm as a balloon filling with air
Exhale for at least another four counts, releasing all of the air

Taking a moment to unwind after your workday therapy session will help you better jump back into your tasks.

Give yourself a little pep talk

If you’re feeling especially overwhelmed or drained after your therapy session, understand that it is completely OK to feel this way. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Don’t let your inner voice criticise you.

“Instead, remind yourself that seeing a therapist is one of the best investments you can make for your mental health and well-being. Shift your focus on how seeking therapy has made a positive difference in your life,” Duke says.

Engage your senses with a distraction

When you focus on your senses in the present, it will shift your attention away from the painful memories and emotions that therapy might trigger, Elkon says.

To engage your senses, try activities like colouring, rubbing lotion on your hands, playing with a fidget toy or drinking a cup of hot tea or a very cold drink.

Nourish yourself with a snack

If you scheduled a therapy appointment during your workday, make sure to have a snack and water on hand after the session.

“Your body will likely have a stress response to the therapy session, leaving you feeling depleted, and having a healthy snack with some water is a way to nourish yourself,” says Kristin Meekhof, a therapist and author of A Widow’s Guide to Healing.

Jump into your to-do list or plan an event

It may be comforting to feel in control by tackling some items you’ve been putting off.

“Engaging in some sort of task that involves your thinking or planning brain will quiet the emotion centres and help you feel centred in the moment,” says Neha Chaudhary, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of BeMe Health, a mobile mental health platform.

Chaudhary recommends drafting an email to someone at work (but not sending it!), writing down a grocery list or meal plan for the week, or thinking about the next place you want to travel and what activities you would do there.

Take it slow when going back to work

It’s normal to feel like you need to occupy your mind with work-related things immediately after your therapy appointment. However, be sure to not ignore any emotions you may be feeling.

Take slow steps as you start completing your work duties, and keep a journal handy to write down any of your thoughts and feelings as they come, says Regine Muradian, a psychologist based in California.

“Give yourself some grace, and remind yourself that you don’t need to finish everything today,” she says.

8 Things Therapists Do To Handle Stress Over Christmas

Posted on 24/12/2022 by Boris Clair

There’s no doubt that the festive season can be a stressful time, amid all the travel plans, family visits and present shopping.

These activities often involve an array of demands that take a toll on your mental health, such as cleaning, cooking and spending. So it’s totally OK to experience stress or anxiety among the festivities; even mental health professionals – who may seem like they have it all together – aren’t immune to these feelings.

HuffPost asked therapists for insight on how they feel joy and cheer amid the stress of the season. Here are their personal tips for decompressing and relaxing:

They set aside time for themselves

The festive season can be a busy time, especially if you are surrounded by friends and family. It’s normal to feel stressed and anxious about meeting up with people or hanging with relatives.

“I always make sure I set aside some time for myself to relax during the holidays and focus on my wellness needs,” says Michael Klinkner, a licensed clinical social worker in Arizona.

They scribble a few thoughts in a journal

Minerva Guerrero, a therapist who founded Mind Matters Mental Health Counseling in New York, says she often takes a journaling break to intentionally ground herself.

“I like to journal to get clear on what I’m hoping the holidays bring me and how I feel during this time,” she says. “This self-care activity really helps me destress and relax during the holiday season.”

They listen to music

Music therapy can evoke feelings of calmness and relaxation.

“I often create soothing and hype-me-up playlists, which help me move through my feelings,” says Naiylah Warren, a therapist and clinical content manager with mental health platform Real.

They focus on holiday events that give them joy

During one of the busiest times of the year, it’s important to set boundaries to take care of your mental health and wellbeing.

“I generally check in with myself in regards to what traditions or gatherings feel stressful to me and which ones bring me joy,” says Kama Hurley, a clinical counsellor and life coach in Idaho. “I prioritise what I love to do and say no to the things that make me feel anxious.”

Even therapists need some coping strategies to get through the holidays.

They make a self-care list

Hurley says she writes a self-care list when she’s anxious or stressed, as it gives her agency and lifts her mood.

“I write down activities that help me relax and make me feel good about myself that I can accomplish when feeling the intense emotions,” she says.

Having a go-to list that you can reference and change will help you identify which activities are sources of joy.

Madeline Lucas, another therapist and clinical content manager at Real, shared some self-care activities that help her feel less isolated in her holiday stress: taking long showers with music, applying sheet face masks, going on walks and stretching.

They sit in stillness for a few minutes

The art of meditation can be powerful in achieving a sense of calm and balance.

“I practise meditation exercises for a few minutes whenever I feel stressed,” says Regine Muradian, a clinical psychologist in California. When you feel that stress starting to creep up on you, take a moment to inhale deeply and focus on your breathing.

They plan ahead

Israa Nasir, a therapist who founded the mental wellness brand Well.Guide, said she plans ahead for the festive season, which helps her destress. “I make sure to take care of any client and associated work-related obligations fully when I take time off during the holidays,” she says.

Planning a schedule before you get too busy may feel comforting as it offers a sense of routine, with many decisions already made in advance.

They talk to their therapist

Many mental health professionals get help from therapists of their own to manage stress. If you feel that stress is inhibiting your ability to get through the day, consider connecting with a mental health professional now.

“If I anticipate a lot of stress prior to the holiday season, I’ll schedule a few extra sessions with my own therapist before they go on their holiday break to help process the feelings I’m having,” Nasir says.

The Problem With TikTok Therapists

Posted on 18/12/2022 by Boris Clair

In the past few years we’ve seen mental health and therapy content explode online. As the stigma towards therapy decreases, people are using social media to share the beauty that can come out of sitting down with a professional and talking.

Among those sharing videos, are therapists and counsellors who want to reach a wider audience.

As someone who has been in therapy, being able to watch content linked to anxiety has helped and encouraged me to continue to do the internal work. And let’s face it, accessing therapy can be both arduous and expensive – especially if you’re early in your career or you’re facing long NHS waiting lists – so these videos are a way for people to start work on themselves today, without paying a hefty fee.

However, there’s been recent debate around how therapists are using social media. There’s a big difference between a therapist who shares five tips for coping with anxiety – and a therapist who retells their client’s life story for likes. (And no, I won’t be sharing examples of the latter).

slightly concerned about the amount of doctors, nurses, & therapists trying to go viral on tiktok & insta…can at least *one* segment of society be, like, healthy and grounded enough to maybe not need validation from strangers via 15-second clips with spongebob music

— Liz Arcury (@LizArcury) December 11, 2022

tiktok has become the worst place because you got people in the medical field and therapists sharing patients and clients private stories

— blue (@dumbsurferrr) December 15, 2022

I had some students confide in me that their THERAPISTS were making fun of them on Tiktok. They were so completely traumatized, and I’m not sure they will even regain the ability to trust people in authority again. I would never make fun of a student.

— Kerry Leigh Craven (@craven_kerr) December 13, 2022

Snatch the licenses from therapists that come on tiktok and talk about their patients next.

— Asanwa baby (@fleetwoodmacro) December 11, 2022

Increasingly, it feels like it’s becoming normalised for therapists to speak about their clients in their social media, which has made people wonder how ethical this is.

“Therapists are not supposed to be using their clients to become influencers,” one therapist (@QueeringPsych) said on Twitter.

“Sharing helpful info (without generalising or diagnosing strangers) is great. Making your clients wonder if you’re gonna talk about them affects the relationship,” he added.

Therapists aren’t the only ones using social media to speak about their profession. American nurses recently came under fire after sharing their patient ‘icks’ on TikTok.

No job is perfect and being a nurse is a demanding job. But where is the line between raising awareness of the challenges of your profession and speaking about real-life patients? Does it matter if they’re unnamed? Or does it still cross a line?

Vuma Phiri, who is a 25-year-old paralegal from Western Australia, thinks the content therapists make is starting to go overboard.

“There are certain client-facing careers that need to avoid speaking about the people who come to see them because they visit you at their most vulnerable. It’s unethical to use their vulnerability to go viral,” Phiri says.

However, she shares that she’s benefitted from therapy content but mainly the therapists who give general advice without mentioning their clients’ experiences.

“You can definitely reach your audience well by giving out advice based on your knowledge rather than specifically speaking on those who come see you,” she says.

Phiri also says she’d be angry if her therapist used her story for a viral video. “The security I feel signing a confidentiality agreement would be breached by you speaking about me online on an app as far reaching as TikTok, even if I was anonymised.”

Crystal*, who has been going to therapy for some years, understands how these videos can help others, but “when its explicitly prefaced and explained as the story of a particular person, I think it’s invasive and an informal violation of trust,” she says.

She explains that she would feel violated if her therapist shared her story online. “How can I be baring my soul and telling a professional things that even my close family and friends don’t know and they’re using it as gist online for engagement?” asks the 24-year-old painter from London. “Even though only I would know it was about me, I would feel quite exposed.”

She adds that she’s never found hearing people’s personal stories in this context helpful. “It feels like entertainment and the focus is always on how juicy the story is rather than the healing/resolution/lesson to be learned,” Crystal adds.

Caroline Jesper, who’s head of professional standards at the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy’s (BACP), believes social media channels can be a great way to connect and communicate with people, and for therapists, it can be a good way to network with other professionals.

“However, it’s important therapists keep in mind their ethical values and principles while doing so,” she tells HuffPost UK.

“They shouldn’t breach confidentiality or publish anything on social media which could identify a client. They should also be aware that even when anonymising aspects of their client work, a client may see this and recognise themselves in being said. This would be a breach of trust in the therapeutic relationship.”

Are therapists allowed to speak about clients online?

Counselling Directory member Jennifer Warwick shares that there’s been some healthy debate amongst therapists about how, or if, they should use social media.

“Some stay well away, while others see it as a way of connecting and engaging with people,” Warwick says. “It’s a way of showing ourselves as being human and relatable.”

Therapists in the UK are bound by ethical guidelines set out by the governing boards, such as the BACP, so in theory this should prevent people crossing a line.

“Client confidentiality and privacy are key, so we need to make sure that no information that might identify the client is used,” Warwick explains.

“The BACP even have specific guidance for its members, which includes how social media relates to its ethical framework, maintaining clients’ privacy and confidentiality, as well as appropriate boundaries.”

But if you’re viewing this kind of content on TikTok – or you’re in therapy yourself – how can you judge when a therapist has shared too much?

“It’s vital for therapists to tread very carefully around this and not to share any identifiable information about clients, past or current.” Warwick adds.

“Imagine seeing a post from your therapist and thinking ‘they’re talking about me!’ even without them giving a name or location.”

She emphasis on the the importance of a health relationship between therapists and clients. “It makes no sense to have a client or potential client feel that we might not be safe to work with when they see us posting about a current client.

“It can however be helpful to talk about general themes or issues on social media that we work with, as this helps clients find the right therapist for them.”

Should therapists ask their clients if they can speak about them online?

“It’s definitely good to set boundaries with clients around social media use, for example, not responding to DMs or accepting friend requests,” Warwick says.

“Ideally, this would be stated as part of the therapist’s social media and also as part of the agreements made when starting with a client.”

“It might be good to discuss with a client how we use social media, to be there to answer any questions they might have and put their minds at ease so they know we are bound by ethical guidelines in our work, which protects our clients’ privacy and confidentiality.”

If you have concerns about your therapist, the BACP advises trying to speak to your therapist first to try to resolve the issue directly with them. But if you think confidentiality has been breached, you can make a formal complaint.

Help and support:

Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.

Is There A Best Time Of Day For Therapy? Here’s What Therapists Say

Posted on 16/12/2022 by Boris Clair

There are a few crucial items to figure out when starting therapy – like finding a therapist who you trust, picking the best treatment modality, and figuring out a way to fit a session into your schedule.

When it comes to the latter, the time you choose may be more influential than you think. Is it a bad idea to do it during your lunch break? Should you try to have your session at the start of the week? Is there even such a thing as an ideal therapy schedule?

“The best time of the day to have a therapy session depends on a variety of factors, and it varies based on the individual,” said Kristen Casey, a clinical psychologist and insomnia specialist. “Every person has a different schedule, lifestyle and ways of coping with the emotional hangover from a therapy session.”

In other words, there isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” answer, and it may take some trial and error to find the time that works for you. With that in mind, here are some factors that you’ll want to consider when it comes to determining the best time of day to schedule your next therapy session.

Think about what you’re going to talk about

It’s pretty difficult to say with certainty what topics are going to arise during a session, but if you have an idea of the subject matter that you plan on talking about, then that can be helpful in determining what time to schedule your next appointment.

“If you are working on intensive trauma that leaves you drained after each session, it might not be the best to do a session right in the middle of the work day,” said Kristen Gingrich, licensed clinical social worker and certified drug and alcohol counsellor. “However, if the only time you can find is in the middle of the day between different tasks, it’s important to make sure that you schedule time to help regulate yourself to make sure that it is not going to impact your day.”

Consider what processing looks like for you

If you’ve had a therapy session during lunch at work and then had to hop on a meeting in the next hour, then you might have realized that you need more time to process your appointment since your mind is still actively churning thoughts. In those scenarios, you’ll want to try to schedule your therapy session for a time where you’ll have some time afterward to recollect yourself.

“Try to schedule a bit of a buffer before and after to make the most of your session and give yourself space to process what you’ve just worked on,” said Dr. Nina Vasan, the chief medical officer at Real, a mental health platform. “Otherwise it can feel jarring to jump back into work or daily life.”

It can be helpful to develop a post-therapy ritual if your schedule allows it to come down from heightened emotions. This can be as simple as taking a nap, going on a quick walk, reading your favorite book, mindfully drinking a cup of tea, or anything that helps ground you back into your daily routine.

When scheduling your sessions, think about when you'll have some downtime to process what you discussed with your therapist. — When scheduling your sessions, think about when you’ll have some downtime to process what you discussed with your therapist.

Think about when you’re most productive

After a long day at work, the last thing you might want to do is have another hour-long conversation. Even though it’s a voluntary activity, it can still be overwhelming for some people. If that sounds familiar, then the best time for a therapy session may not be at the end of the day.

However, if you’re a morning person, then a session before work may be more beneficial. “For example, maybe you’re distracted in the morning by the commitments you have for your day. In that case, an evening appointment could be better,” Vasan said. “For others, by the evening, energy is zapped which means meeting earlier in the day is more productive.”

Think about it: If you’re paying for a session, you want to make sure it’s at a time where it’s going to have your complete attention so you can focus entirely on your healing journey.

Discuss a good schedule with your therapist

Unfortunately, it isn’t always possible to schedule a therapy appointment at the time of the day that works “best for you.”

Since many therapists have full case loads, it can be a challenge to cater to everyone’s needs, said Kelly McKenna, a licensed clinical social worker and anxiety therapist. That’s not to say your therapist won’t work with you to find a time that is most beneficial, but due to the nature of the job and the schedule, sometimes it isn’t always possible.

In this instance, for example, you may want to find a therapist who works on a routine weekly schedule (ie. you see them at the same day and time every week). Not every therapist operates like this, so you may just have to succumb to one of the open slots they have left, but each case is different, so a conversation is definitely necessary to figure out a cadence that works for everyone.

7 Of The Most Common Things Parents Say About Their Adult Children In Therapy

Posted on 11/12/2022 by Boris Clair

Each new stage of parenthood comes with different joys and stressors. The problems that weigh heavily on a parent when raising a toddler or a teen are much different than the ones they face once their kids are grown up.

We asked therapists what issues parents of adult children most often bring up during their sessions. Below, they reveal the top concerns they hear again and again and offer advice on how to work through them.

1. “I’m concerned about what they’re posting on social media.”

A parent may know it’s unreasonable to expect an adult child to share all the details of their lives with mom or dad. Still, parents worry that their child may be secretly struggling with something while they’re kept in the dark, said Atlanta clinical psychologist Zainab Delawalla. These worries are often based on — or exacerbated by — what parents see on their kids’ social media profiles.

“Parents often try to ‘read between the lines’ and worry about if their kids are drinking too much, socializing too little or prioritizing the ‘wrong things’ all based on what they see their kids posting,” Delawalla said.

“I often advise these parents to think about what they see on social media as the ‘headline’ of a news article: It gives you some information about the content of the article but is rarely the full story.”

Here's what parents say about their adult kids in therapy. — Here’s what parents say about their adult kids in therapy.

The next step is to have an actual conversation with your kid to gather more information about the potential problem.

“The harder part, of course, is trusting that their kids will give them all of the necessary information,” Delawalla said. “And if they choose not to share a specific aspect of their lives with their parents, that they feel equipped to handle it without the parents’ help.”

2. “What if my kid never finds a partner?”

Some parents of adult children worry when their kid is single passed a certain age. Perhaps their son or daughter wants to be in a relationship but has no serious prospects. Or maybe their kid is quite happily single. In either case, the lack of a long-term partner can be distressing to parents when it feels like everyone else is settling down.

Winifred M. Reilly, a marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California, often hears comments like these from her clients with adult children: “She’s 33, and the clock is ticking,” “He keeps meeting people who are afraid of commitment,” and “Maybe we weren’t the best role models for marriage. What if it’s our fault?”

“At best, as parents of adult children, we’re in the audience watching a play in which our children have the leading role,” Reilly, author of “It Takes One to Tango,” told HuffPost. “None of us enjoys the helpless feeling of being unable to control things or make things better. Especially when our children are struggling. It’s harder still when we take their difficulties personally.”

“None of us enjoys the helpless feeling of being unable to control things or make things better.”

– Winifred M. Reilly, marriage and family therapist

Reilly’s advice? Take a breath and leave it alone. Repeated questions about the status of their love life will only bug them or make them feel worse than they already do.

3. “Is our relationship too close? Or too distant?”

Navigating the closeness (or lack thereof) of the parent/adult child relationship is a common theme among the clients of Pasadena, California, clinical psychologist Ryan Howes.

“If their child is taking their individuality very seriously and not calling or visiting as much as they would like, the parent is wondering how they can foster more contact,” Howes told HuffPost. “And they may be questioning what they did wrong to make their child want to avoid them.”

He continued: “If their child is failing to launch, is still living at home, or seems dependent on them to make rudimentary decisions, they wonder how they can inspire their children to become their own person and are perhaps questioning what they did wrong to make their child so dependent.”

In either situation, the parent is looking for answers on what the “right” amount of independence or contact is for this stage of life and how to persuade their child to get on board.

Howes explained that there is no universal right or wrong amount of contact — only what works best for a given family’s dynamic.

“Now that their child is an adult, their job is no longer to tell their children what to do, but to have a conversation about it, adult-to-adult,” he said. “They need to start by clarifying what they want and hope for regarding the frequency and depth of contact with their adult children, and then ask their children what they want and hope for, and try to come to an agreement.”

4. “My child is too strict — or too permissive — with their kids.”

For some grandparents, the urge to butt in and voice their opinions on their kid’s parenting style can be hard to tamp down.

“Yep, it is really hard not to say something!” Reilly said. “And that’s exactly what you need to do. This issue is both a parenting and an in-law issue, which makes it extra-high voltage. Parents of young children have to find their way. And they usually find that way by trial and error. Sometimes parents don’t even agree about what’s OK and what’s not for the kids. The last thing you want to do is be taking sides.”

“Supporting them financially, materially and in other ways while they flounder and drift aimlessly is not what love looks like.”

– Kurt Smith, therapist specializing in counseling men

Reilly’s rule of thumb: If your kid asks for parenting advice, offer your two cents. Otherwise, be loving and supportive and keep your opinions to yourself.

5. “I feel like my kid has no direction in life.”

Parents come to Northern California therapist Kurt Smith, who specializes in counseling men, for help when their 20- or 30-something-year-old child doesn’t have consistent employment (even though they’re physically and mentally capable of holding down a job). He walks them through how to set healthy boundaries and helps them acknowledge the role they may have played in the child not being more motivated or independent.

“Supporting them financially, materially, and in other ways, while they flounder and drift aimlessly is not what love looks like,” Smith said. “Instead, it looks like being uncomfortable, child and parents, for however long it takes for the adult child to find their identity and turn that into a direction for their life.”

Also, these adult kids may live with their parents long-term until they’ve found steady employment and some financial stability (or perhaps longer). While this may be a fine — or even preferred — arrangement for some families, it can be a common pain point for others.

“Some recent parents I helped had their 47-year-old son living with them for more than 10 years. He moved back home after his divorce, lost his job, never got another one, and never left,” Smith said. “The biggest issue in these situations is helping the parents redefine what loving an adult child looks like, since most mistake love as still caring for them like they did when the child was an actual child.”

Eventually, these clients could set — and firmly hold — new, healthy expectations for their son. He was able to secure a job and move out on his own.

“He’s been out for a while now and just bought a house,” Smith said. “His parents are thrilled and so proud. He was capable of this the whole time — his parents just needed to get out of the way.”

6. “I worry my kid is making the wrong life decisions.”

Parents often have doubts about their kids’ big life decisions: whether it’s about how they manage their money, what career they pursue, or who they choose to date, Delawalla said.

In these cases, the goal in therapy is to help parents understand that the person best-equipped to make these decisions is the person whose life they impact the most, she said.

“Parents are one step removed from such decisions, and while they may have a different perspective, it is healthier for them to allow their children to have freedom of choice,” Delawalla said. “We discuss how to offer their opinion without imposing their will and not withdrawing their support, whether intentionally or unintentionally if their children’s decisions don’t align with their own.”

7. “I think my kid needs help. When should I intervene?”

This one encompasses several of the abovementioned issues: financial, career, relationship or other stressors can all fall under this umbrella. A parent sees that their child is struggling. Their instinct is to swoop in immediately and bail them out of trouble. While it’s understandable that they want to fix things for their child, this behavior may not be in anyone’s best interest in the long run.

Parents may have the resources, knowledge or experience to remedy the situation. They want to intervene but don’t know when or how to go about it. (And those who don’t have the means to fix things for their kid may feel guilty about it, Howes said).

When dealing with this issue, Howes said he defers to a school philosophy from his kids’ kindergarten days: “We don’t do anything for the kids they can do for themselves.”

“If they can tie their shoes, then the teachers won’t tie them for them,” he said. “If they can clean up after lunch, the teachers won’t clean up after them. This is a solid philosophy. Doing those tasks for them teaches them that 1) the world will take care of the things they don’t want to do, and 2) they aren’t competent, so someone better at the task should take over.”

This applies to young adults, too, Howes said.

“If they are able to figure out a budget, recover from heartbreak, and learn to take care of themselves, then they should have the opportunity to do that, which builds self-confidence and a sense of independence,” he said.

“If they are able to figure out a budget, recover from heartbreak, and learn to take care of themselves, then they should have the opportunity to do that.”

– Ryan Howes, psychologist

Swiftly jumping in to save the day sends the message that the adult child cannot handle the situation on their own and needs Mom or Dad to come to their rescue.

“Of course, there are exceptions” to this, Howes said. “If the adult child truly lacks the ability or resources to manage their own life, then parents and other family members may need to step in. But that is not as frequent as some parents think.”

In therapy, Howes asks the parents to consider why they’re intervening: Is it because their child needs them to? Or is it because they don’t like the uncomfortable feeling of knowing their kid is in a tough spot?

“If it’s about their discomfort,” he said, “then we have some important work to do.”

12 Ways Therapists Are Personally Coping With Covid Anxiety (Again)

Posted on 12/09/2021 by Boris Clair

When the Covid-19 pandemic broke out in early 2020, we asked therapists and other mental health practitioners to share coping mechanisms for dealing with our weird new normal and mounting anxiety about the coronavirus.

Now the world is (somehow) entering the 19th month of the pandemic, and we’re calling on them again.

As the Delta variant of the virus continues to spread, infecting high numbers of unvaccinated people in the US in particular, we could use some therapeutic advice to help dial down our anxieties.

Below, mental health practitioners across America share how they’re coping with so much uncertainty, and the techniques they personally use when they start to worry about Covid getting bad again.

I remind myself this isn’t my first Covid rodeo.

“In times like these, I remind myself: I am not a pro at living through a pandemic, but I am not a novice, either. I remind myself that I can take precaution and maintain the way I have been for over a year. I can do the best that I can. My best is enough.” ― Akua Boateng, a psychotherapist in Philadelphia

I practise gratitude.

“It’s always helpful to focus on what we can control, but focusing on what we are grateful for is transformative. Practising gratitude always helps my anxious worries melt away. When the world feels uncertain, I love to physically write down on paper all the things I’m grateful for that come to mind, no matter how big or small. This small gratitude practice helps me shift my thinking away from ‘powerless’ to ‘powerful,’ from feeling like a victim to feeling like a victor. (As a mental health professional, I know that gratitude rewires our brains’ thought patterns for the better!) And in the moments my mind seems to want to cling extra-hard to anxiety, I take the opportunity to call a friend and share what’s on my mind. Connecting with another human being for a little compassion and empathy is always a good idea!” ― Therese Mascardo, a psychologist and founder of Exploring Therapy

I let myself process all my emotions about Covid: the good, the bad and the ugly.

“I personally give myself permission to name and experience the wide range of emotions stemming from the current pandemic and new variant; these feelings range anywhere from grief, anger, helplessness to hope. I let these feelings run through me and also share my thoughts and feelings with my support system of family and friends. This reminds me that I’m not alone with what I am experiencing.” ― Alyssa Mancao, a licensed clinical social worker in Los Angeles

“I practise regular self-validation and self-compassion, meaning that I allow and accept the emotions that show up with kindness, and without allowing self-judgment and self-criticism to prevail. Emphasis on ‘practice’ here, not perfection. At the end of the day, we’re all humans going through a shared traumatic experience together. I allow myself space to take time for myself, consider what I’m capable of, workload-wise (aware that I have the privilege to do that), and recalibrate and adjust as these times ahead change.” ― Brooke Huminski, a psychotherapist in Providence, Rhode Island

I limit the amount of Covid news I consume.

“What helps me to manage my Covid anxiety is to set limits and boundaries around the information that I am consuming. That can look like only watching the news for 10 minutes per day and not constantly refreshing my feeds. It is also helpful to set boundaries with friends and family in terms of sharing news stories, fatality rates and other information that can affect my mood. Simply stating, ‘Hey, I appreciate you wanting to keep me in the loop of what is going on, but these articles are creating more anxiety for me.’ Especially since we are all managing a climate in which there are so many opinions and an influx of false information spreading, it is important to filter what you are consuming and set boundaries.” ― Aaliyah Nurideen, a licenced clinical social worker in New Jersey

"[I] set limits and boundaries around the information that I am consuming," one social worker tells HuffPost. "That can look like only watching the news for 10 minutes per day and not constantly refreshing my feeds." — “[I] set limits and boundaries around the information that I am consuming,” one social worker tells HuffPost. “That can look like only watching the news for 10 minutes per day and not constantly refreshing my feeds.”

I ground myself in nature.

“Even though all I want to do after a long day of sessions is collapse on my couch and eat Cheez-Its, I force myself once or twice a week to the beach where I can put my feet in the sand and listen to the waves. Take an evening walk or sit on my back patio and listen to the birds chirping.” ― Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego

With so much out of my control, I’m focusing on what I can control.

“To me, the key to handling worry (whether it’s about Covid or anything else) is to make decisions about what I can actually control and then redirect my attention to what I’m actually doing with my time in the present moment. So if worry comes up about the latest COvid news, for instance, I might take some brief time to decide if I want to update any personal decisions I’ve made about activities or precautions in my life related to COvid. That should be a relatively quick thing (lingering for too long in decision-making mode is bad for anxiety), and then I try not to analyse questions I can’t actually answer, like ‘When will this end?’ or ‘Will I get Covid?’ Those questions are impossible to answer with certainty, so instead of trying to eliminate the uncertainty, I allow the uncertainty to exist and redirect my attention towards whatever activity I am actually doing with my time in that moment. Basically what I’ve just described there is mindfulness and acceptance of uncertainty, which are proven effective strategies for anxiety and worry.” ― Michael Stein, a psychologist in Denver specializing in anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder

“In grappling with my own Covid anxiety, I’ve worked on more actively accepting uncertainty. This means recognising when things are outside of my control, and gently encouraging myself to release any attempts I’m making to control those things. At the same time, I’m also staying mindful of the things that are still within my control – even if they feel small. We all make numerous decisions throughout the day – from what we eat, to what we wear, to who we interact with ― and reminding myself that I have choice in all of those things helps me to stay connected to my sense of agency in the world and my own capacity as a human being.” ― Madison McCullough, a psychotherapist in New York City

I try to meditate every day.

“I’ve committed to a morning and evening meditation practice. Even if I only have five minutes, it really grounds me as I enter the day and night. Insight Timer is a fantastic free app that provides a variety of meditations to meet your personal needs.” ― Aimee Martinez, a psychologist in Los Angeles

I try not to overextend myself.

“I’m a psychologist and a human: I have to contend with the same rush of emotions when I see the news stories involving loss, the politicisation of the virus and vaccine, and ‘business as usual’ even in the face of crisis. What has helped me over the past 19 months is figuring out what is in the locus of my control: that is, how can I not take blame for national events and focus more on what is more proximal to me? For example, just because I do an interview urging vaccinations on CNN does not mean I should see a spike in appointments the next day. What I can do, however, is check in on the one person I had a conversation with about vaccinations, to see how I can support their decision with evidence and love. But sometimes even checking in [on] other people can be a big source of frustration. That means limiting my locus just to myself: Am I wearing a mask? Am I sleeping and eating right? Have I sent loving messages to those around me? Just those seemingly small check marks can reduce the anxiety I have about exposure, increased risk, or supporting my loved ones.” ― Riana Elyse Anderson, a psychologist and assistant professor at the University of Michigan School of Public Health

“I’ve committed to a morning and evening meditation practice," one social worker says. — “I’ve committed to a morning and evening meditation practice,” one social worker says.

I’m practising radical acceptance.

“Right now, I am practising radical acceptance (a distress tolerance skill). I have accepted the uncertainty of the situation, which doesn’t mean I like it or want it, but means I have chosen to say to myself, ‘This just is what it is and I cannot control this situation. I am focusing on what I can control.’ I focus on having a relaxing morning routine and doing things that relieve stress every day.” ― Rebecca Leslie, a psychologist in Atlanta

I lean into my hobbies.

“Arkansas is a Covid hot spot, so my Covid policies are self-care via masking, doing only telehealth sessions with clients, being vaccinated, and going out only when necessary, though I walk in nature for an hour daily with my dogs. To stay challenged, I’m learning two new hobbies ― knitting and woodworking. Bottom line, there’s a lot of lemonade that can be made from pandemic lemons.” ― Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist in Little Rock, Arkansas, and co-host of “Curly Girls Relationship Show”

I seek harmony.

“When Covid became a thing, my big focus was on creating balance in my life. I worked hard at balancing being a great therapist, being my most present self to my two toddler children, being a listening ear to my medical colleagues working on the front lines, being an anchor to my extended family as they grieved the loss of several family members and friends, and taking the baton from my husband as he took on the lion share of pandemic parenting. This time around, I seek harmony. I am striving to live in the flow of my life by establishing routines, permitting myself not to follow routines, creating structures in my life, and allowing myself room to move within those structures. Less abstractly, I am listening more to what I need to be there for others. I am also accepting the limitations to my excellence. I am not here to find balance in all the many responsibilities and goals I have. I am here to live my life to the fullest, which means living in the flow of the good, bad, and blah days.” ― Dana Crawford, a psychologist and cultural bias consultant in New York City

I remind myself I’m doing all I can to stay safe.

“When I begin to feel anxious, as we all do ― often triggered by something I heard on the news, or a notice from my child’s school about another infection ― I fall back on cognitive behavioral tools. I remind myself of the statistics with this virus. Despite the high infection rate and the virulence of the delta virus, the death rate is still low. I remind myself that I am doing all I can do by following medical advice. I choose to put the rest of my worry on a shelf. I also choose to enjoy this present moment and not allow my fear to steal it from me. I will often repeat this to myself a few times, add some deep breaths and distract myself with a healthier thought, and I’m on my way again.” ― Zoe Shaw, a psychotherapist, relationship coach and author of “A Year of Self-Care”

How Do You Talk To Kids About Trauma? This Mum Needed To Know

Posted on 01/08/2021 by Boris Clair

In 1994, one of Rwanda’s darkest moments in history took place – a genocide that saw the death of 1,100,000 people – of which 800,000 people were Tutsi, an ethnic group that were minorities in comparison to the majority Hutus.

At the time, Alice Musabende was 13-years-old. Her parent, grandparents, and siblings all died during the war. The now mum-of-two had only a few surviving members of her family; her aunt, uncle, and their kids. In 2005, as part of her studies, Musabende left Rwanda for Canada, building a life for herself; she married (but has since separated), and had two precious boys.

She began working as a journalist and academic, later moving to the UK to work at the University of Cambridge. But despite her writing and hours of research into what happened, Musabende found it almost impossible to articulate the reality of the violence which was unleashed on her people.

“I have spent so many hours, countless of times, writing and reading and trying really to capture the magnitude of the horror. And I still haven’t,” she tells HuffPost UK.

Now, her two children, aged five and eight, have questions about their grandparents, their home in Rwanda, and how their mother feels about it all.

So, in an attempt not to “run away from her demons”, Musabende had to find a way to voice the unspeakable horror she endured at such a young age. Which is how she began making a radio show with the BBC to start the story.

In Unspeakable, Musabende asks for help and guidance from other genocide survivors, second-generation holocaust survivors, a therapist who works with AIDS orphans in South Africa, and a publisher of stories in Rwanda.

She explores identity, generational trauma, and the place of storytelling and with the help of these other voices, she tries to piece together the answer to one fundamental question: how do I tell my kids about my trauma?

Mum-of-two Alice Musabende is figuring out the words to explain what happened in Rwanda 27 years ago

Firstly, says Musabende, she has had to come to terms with her own past.

“For the last 20 years, I’ve focused so much on me,” she explains. “I’ve done therapy, I tried to figure out how to live with PTSD, to understand how I will actually live a life without family, without anyone. I thought I was really getting a good handle on it. Then I moved here and in the middle of trying to reconfigure being a single parent and my work, I remember just one day thinking, ‘Oh no, I’m going to have to tell the boys about the genocide.’

“That bit was way more complicated than anything else I have done, mainly because the story of the genocide, for me, is extremely painful, but I think it’s painful for all the other survivors as well. Because I’ve spent so many years trying to run away from it, it was so hard.”

Growing up, Musabende was aware of the ethnic persecution of her Tutsi people – her family members had been arrested on suspicion of being part of rebel forces, and her granddad’s land had been seized.

After travelling to Ottawa for her graduate studies, Musabende recognised signs of PTSD in herself. She explains: “In school I couldn’t really function. I had a really difficult transition, I did so many things that we now associate with post traumatic stress disorder but at the time no one told me what it was.

“It wasn’t until I started different forms of therapy to make sense of what I was going through. Through those sessions, I wanted to find the essence of who I was, I wanted to be okay. I wanted to have joy, and I wanted to be able to use my brain to serve, to study and perhaps maybe even teach.”

In 2017, Musabende went back to Rwanda for the first time. Two years later, she took her two sons to show them where their family came from – so they could understand the great beauty, as much as the trauma, of her birthplace.

“I remember arriving in Rwanda and looking at these tiny humans and thinking, ‘This is their home, but I don’t know if they know that this is their home as well.’ That’s when things just started percolating in my head, I was like: ‘How do I do this, what do I say?’ She took her eldest boy, six at the time, to where her house used to be – now just a plot of land since it was destroyed in the genocide.

“I told him that’s where my home used to be and that’s where my brother and sister used to live. We were walking on this plot, he looked down, saw a piece of cloth, picked it up and said, ‘Do you think this was your sister’s dress?’ And I hadn’t seen that one coming. It was a bit of a struggle but I couldn’t cry.

“My words just left me. That’s when I realised he has questions. He has real questions where he’s trying to figure out where he fits into a story that’s so obscure and mysterious to him.”

Alice has since taken her children to Rwanda to show them the country

And Musabende had questions of her own, which is how the documentary came about. “I couldn’t write about it,” she says. “I don’t know how to write about it, so I thought to just ask people what they think.”

She was terrified. “I thought, ‘Oh, am I traumatising my children by telling them these horrible things?’ Previously I’d thought it’s best not to say anything as you don’t upset them. But I know that they want to know. They’re not asking tough questions. Their questions are like ‘Do you miss your mum?’ or ’Do you think your mum would have loved me?’Those things are so difficult because they send you right back to that place where you wish you didn’t have to go.

Unspeakable is Musabende’s attempt to bridge the gap between that place she has avoided for the past 27 years “and the place I am in now, as a parent hoping to raise healthy, well-grounded, empathetic children.”

Alice's radio show Unspeakable comes out today — Alice’s radio show Unspeakable comes out today

It’s not just genocide she has to talk to her children about. By virtue of being a mother to two young Black boys, Musabende knows that she will become accustomed to difficult conversations.

“Raising Black boys in a western culture that’s always telling them so many things about them that are false, it’s an even bigger responsibility to tell them about where they come from, what happened to them and tell them exactly who they are, so that when they get out there, they know in their hearts that they’re valued, that they are loved, that they are cared for.

“It is my job to tell my kids who they are. I haven’t quite figured out how to tell them the full story of my history so you’ll see in the documentary, I’m still learning, it’s a long journey.”

Unspeakable airs on BBC Radio 4 on Fridays and is available on BBC Sounds.

Approaching conversations about trauma

Alice Musabende wants to share the following advice for fellow parents.

First of all, accept you don’t know how to say it all

“That realisation that I don’t know how to talk to my children was the beginning of my quest because for a very long time, I just pretended that it wasn’t there. Once I sat down and I thought, ‘I know I have to, and I don’t know how,’ that was the beginning.”

Find a safe space to make sense of the trauma yourself

“I wouldn’t have been able to have this conversation five years ago. I had to do so much of my own work in self-healing, therapy, in figuring out how to listen. It took me so much time to get here.”

Seek guidance, talk to others who might understand

“You’ll be surprised about how many people are struggling to address these serious issues with their children. There are parents everywhere trying to figure out how to say things.”

Know that the conversation is hard but important

“You can’t just focus on the fact that you are transmitting trauma. You also have to know that by processing things, by seeking to figure out what the appropriate language is, you’re also ensuring that your kids will be more resilient, because you are being more resilient.”

Celebrate yourself for all that you’ve overcome

“We often forget to celebrate our resilience but ultimately, we should really look at ourselves and think, ‘We are here. We made it. We have children and they seem somewhat okay.’ That’s a win for me.”

Useful websites and helplines

Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.

Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).

CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.

The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk

Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.