14 Phrases To Use With Your Teen That Will Transform Your Relationship

Maybe you’re in the throes of parenting a teenager, or you remember (probably less than fondly) what it’s like to be a teenager yourself. Whatever the case, you know that the teenager-parent relationship is typically a fraught one.

“Teenagers are individuating at this age,Avigail Lev, a psychologist and the founder and director of Bay Area CBT Center, explained. “It’s very difficult for them because they’re striving to become more autonomous and think for themselves, and they don’t want to be attached to mommy and daddy the way they used to be. However, they’re still dependent on their parents, which creates cognitive dissonance and frustration. On one level, they feel ready to be an adult, but on another level, they’re still dependent. This conflict makes it very difficult for them to connect with their parents.”

The hormones don’t help, either. “This is also the time when they are becoming hormonal and experiencing sexual attraction, leading to feelings of shame and an increased awareness of their autonomy and individuality,” Lev said. “This adds a level of complexity to their relationship with their parents.”

On the one hand, it’s important for parents to accept that they’re probably not going to connect as easily with their kids during their teenage years. On the other, certain phrases can foster a feeling of safety and connection.

The Best Phrases To Use With Your Teenager

Lev stressed that asking open-ended questions, reflecting back, and validating feelings and needs are key.

“Teenagers are very emotionally dysregulated, impulsive, and emotional,” she said. “They need a lot of mirroring, similar to how a 2-year-old needs mirroring. … It doesn’t mean the parent validates bad behaviors, but rather mirrors back the emotions, contains them, and remains a stable figure and container for their emotions. This teaches teenagers self-regulation skills.”

With that in mind, Lev said some phrases that can help improve your relationship include: “It makes sense that you feel…,” “It makes sense that you need…,” “I know you’re doing your best,” “You can handle this,” “I believe in you,” “I trust you,” “You can trust yourself,” “I’m here if you need me,” “I hope you feel comfortable coming to me if you need anything,” and “Of course you feel…”.

“Knowing that you are always there for them can encourage them to open up and share their thoughts and feelings.”

– Sandra Kushnir, licensed marriage and family therapist

Sandra Kushnir, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder & CEO of Meridian Counseling, added that her favorite phrase to use with teenagers is, “I’m here for you, no matter what.”

This statement reassures them that they have your unconditional support, fostering a sense of security and trust, she explained. “Knowing that you are always there for them can encourage them to open up and share their thoughts and feelings,” she said.

Another good one? “I’m curious about what you think.”

“By showing genuine interest in their opinions, you validate their growing sense of individuality and promote open communication,” Kushnir said. “It also signals that you respect their emerging adult perspectives.”

“I understand this is important to you” can also be a beneficial and validating phrase, Kushnir said. “Acknowledging their priorities and interests, even if they seem trivial to you, helps build a connection. It demonstrates empathy and respect for their autonomy.”

Lastly, using the phrase, “Let’s figure this out together” can shift the dynamic from a parent-versus-teenager mentality to a more cooperative relationship.

“Collaborating on problem-solving reinforces the idea of teamwork and support, which can strengthen your bond,” Kushnir added.

Phrases And Questions To Avoid

As with most things in life, certain phrases can do more harm than good when you’re trying to connect with your teen. “Some statements can come across as confrontational or judgmental, shutting down communication rather than encouraging it,” said Nicolle Osequeda, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Chicago.

“Instead of fostering understanding, they may lead to defensiveness and resistance. To effectively influence their choices and share perspectives, parents must prioritize understanding their teenager’s viewpoint. By being present and engaged, parents can help cultivate a relationship that is more responsive to the needs and feelings of their teenagers.”

Osequeda said parents should be cautious of using questions and phrases like “I want to talk to you about…” “You need to tell me why you did that” and “How could you possibly think about doing that?”

Comparison is another trap you should do your best to avoid, Kushnir said. Saying something along the lines of, “Why can’t you be more like…?” can damage a teen’s self-esteem and foster resentment. “Every teenager is unique, and comparing them to others undermines their individuality and worth,” Kushnir explained.

Other phrases can shut teenagers down when most parents are striving to do the opposite. Saying, “Because I said so” and “You’re overreacting” can come off as dismissive.

“Dismissing their feelings can lead to frustration and a sense of not being heard. It’s important to validate their emotions, even if they seem disproportionate,” Kushnir said.

The bottom line? Parenting a teenager is anything but easy, and you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself if you find you’re having a hard time connecting with your child during this time. But with enough compassion and a slight tweak of your communication style, you might just find your relationship transformed.

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Is Period Underwear Right For Your Kid?

If you have a child who’s going to menstruate, it’s possible that they’ve started thinking about it before you have. Whether they’re excited to experience this rite of passage or anxious about the possibility of embarrassing leaks, tweens and teens today have more resources and options available to them than we did at their age.

One potentially helpful innovation is period underwear.

Period underwear has been a great revolution, especially for young people,” Dr. Meredith Wise, an Ob/Gyn at the University of North Carolina, told HuffPost.

They’re discreet; they look like normal underwear, but have a highly-absorbent lining that holds liquid. They also generate less waste than pads and tampons, which appeals to young people who are concerned about the impact their choices have on the environment.

One of the first period underwear brands to come on the market was Thinx, which has a product line designed for teens. Of course, if you decide to go this route, your teen should wear whichever period underwear works best for them, regardless of how it’s marketed. Other brands include: Aisle, Cora, Proof, Rael, Saalt and The Period Company. Knix and Modibodi sell period swimwear in addition to period underwear.

Felicia Macdonald, VP of Strategic Communications and Public Affairs at Thinx, told HuffPost that their product is made with cotton and “can hold up to five tampons or two-and-a-half regular pads’ worth of flow.”

“They’re just as comfy as regular undies and can be worn alone or as back up with other period products for extra leak protection,” she continued.

If your child’s cycles are regular (note that irregular cycles aren’t abnormal), they can wear the underwear in anticipation of their period starting, or as often as they like.

The main disadvantage of period underwear is that it isn’t cheap. Of course, neither is a year’s worth of disposable menstrual products — but you don’t have to pay for all of those up front, and, increasingly, schools and other institutions are making them available for free in restrooms.

Depending on how many pairs you need per day and how often you’re able to wash them, building up a stash of period underwear costs considerably more than a 6-pack of briefs from your local big box store. Prices range from $12-39 per pair.

If your kid needs to change pairs midday to manage their flow, then they’ll have to carry a used pair around with them to bring home.

Some young people may not be too keen on taking care of clothing with different washing and drying instructions than their other clothes. And some parents may end up with a little more work added to their laundry duties.

To get the longest life out of period underwear, you’ll need to follow the manufacturer’s care instructions. Thinx recommends washing their underwear on a cold, delicate machine cycle, or by hand, using mild detergent, then hanging or lying flat to dry. When cared for properly, Thinx says their underwear will last for 40 washes, or approximately two years of use.

Some users also rinse their underwear in the sink or shower before washing. Avoid fabric softeners, bleach and the dryer. It’s okay to wash your underwear with other clothing — the blood won’t stain the other items in the washer.

If you do choose to buy period underwear for your child, it’s not a bad idea to also teach them how to do laundry. Ellen Friedrichs, health educator in Brooklyn and the author of “Good Sexual Citizenship: How To Create A (Sexually) Safer World,” says that the pre-pubescent years are a great time for this, if you’re lucky enough to have a washing machine at home.

This helps “to give them body privacy, not to help you out as a grown-up, but to gain privacy around things like periods and wet dreams,” said Friedrichs.

Every menstrual hygiene product has its own advantages and disadvantages.

Isabel Pavia via Getty Images

Every menstrual hygiene product has its own advantages and disadvantages.

Of course, there are also other options.

“Pads are traditionally the first go-to,” said Wise. “They’re easy to explain, they’re easy to get.” And they’re what the school nurse likely has on hand.

But some teens find pads uncomfortable. They may say it feels like wearing a diaper, or worry about others noticing the outline of the pad through their clothing.

“I like to reassure people that you normally can’t see a pad. But even if, psychologically, you think someone can see a pad through leggings,” said Friedrichs, period underwear “might give you that sense of comfort that nobody can see that this is happening.”

Tampons, cups and discs “can be useful for people with active lifestyles” and for swimming, said Wise. “But they do just take just a little bit more education and finesse.”

What else should your tween/teen know about menstruation?

Wise says that most people get their first period between the ages of 11 and 13, but it can also happen in the years before or after. A person usually has a first period two to three years after the first signs of breast development, “which can just seem like a little puffiness around the nipples,” said Friedrichs.

“It’s really hard to predict what a first period will look like,” Wise explained. Blood may be red or brown, flow light or heavy, and the person may or may not have other symptoms such as bloating or cramps.

“Sometimes people are nervous that it’s going to be like turning on a tap, and that you’re gonna have this rush of water, but it’s really, for most people, more like a drip,” Friedrichs said.

People can expect their periods to be irregular for the first year or two of menstruation. They may come 21-45 days apart, and may not be the same number of days apart each cycle.

The hormones that the brain makes to tell the ovaries to make oestrogen and progesterone hasn’t found its rhythm yet,” said Wise. “Ovulation is not part of every cycle.”

While there is plenty of variety in what’s considered normal, Wise says there are several reasons to bring a tween or teen to the doctor:

  • No periods by age 15, or 3 years after breast development
  • Periods more than three months apart
  • Bleeding longer than seven days per cycle
  • Heavy bleeding that requires changing menstrual products every two hours
  • Any symptoms that interfere with their lifestyle or their quality of life

“Nobody should feel like they can’t go to school,” said Friedrichs, whether due to heavy bleeding, pain, or other physical or emotional symptoms they’re having with their cycles.

“For pain with periods, a lot of it is considered normal — but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s something that we have to put up with,” said Wise.

A doctor can recommend different options for treating period pain and other symptoms, and adults should remember that even if they lived with significant menstrual discomfort, that doesn’t mean a child needs to. (While many teens fear going to the gynaecologist, thinking it means they will need a pelvic exam, Wise said she performs “surprisingly few” of these exams on patients under 21.)

As for leaks and stains, Wise said “the most important thing is to anticipate it and to know that at some point it happens to everyone.”

“It’s a very normal experience. Especially those first few years, it’s hard to predict when you’re going to have your period,” she said.

Having back-up underwear and pants at school can help, but the old trick of tying a sweatshirt around your waist works just fine too.

Friedrichs tells her students, “most of us have had this happen if we’ve had our periods. And there’s a lot of uncomfortable things that happen when you’re going through life with the human body, and that’s gonna possibly be one of them. And doesn’t mean that you’re gross or dirty or bad.”

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Young Brits Groomed And Killed Because System Fails Them – Damning Report Finds

Thousands of young people are being groomed, harmed and “even killed” because systems are failing them, a scathing report has found.

Primary school children are running drugs for gangs and teenagers are heading up county lines operations, according to the former children’s commissioner.

Anne Longfield is now calling on the government to create “Sure Start Plus” – a national plan to stop teenagers getting involved in gangs and violence.

Her report, Hidden In Plain Sight, warns of a crisis putting hundreds of thousands of children at risk in England.

Younger children are being targeted by gangs as well as children from typically middle class backgrounds, with social media used to lure them.

Former children's commissioner for England Anne Longfield.
Former children’s commissioner for England Anne Longfield.

Russell Sach/Children’s Commissioner for England via PA Media

The report said a combination of Covid, a cost-of-living crisis, and any return to austerity would be a “gift” to those who exploit children.

Longfield, who heads up the Commission on Young Lives, said: “There are parts of our country where the state is completely failing in its duty to protect vulnerable children from the ongoing epidemic of county lines, criminal exploitation, and serious violence.”

She described a housing estate where residents were being “terrorised” by a gang of drug dealing 14 year olds who wear balaclavas and “dish out acts of violence”.

“They carried knives and other weapons, which in turn was encouraging other young people in the area to carry knives for protection,” her foreword said.

“What is happening on this estate may sound like an extreme example, but it is far from unique.

“Speak to youth workers in our towns and cities and they will tell you their own horror stories: of young people being chased in broad daylight by other teenagers waving machetes, of homes where the young people involved in the drugs trade are the main breadwinner in the family, of communities where organised criminals seek out and groom very vulnerable children who have fallen through gaps in the care, health, or education systems, almost with impunity.”

She said there were parts of the country where the state was “completely failing” in its duty to protect vulnerable children.

“So often these are already the most marginalised families. So often they are black, brown and minority ethnic. So often they are poor.”

However, she said the epidemic of country lines was not limited to inner cities, adding: “I have heard countless examples of children from suburban, middle-class England being groomed by criminals.”

Government figures covering 2021-22 show there were 11,600 instances where gangs were a factor and 10,140 instances where child criminal exploitation was a factor in assessments of children in need – which the commission believes is the tip of the iceberg.

Estimates suggest there could be as many as 200,000 children in England aged 11 to 17 who are vulnerable to serious violence.

Those most at risk are teenagers growing up in poverty, in deprived areas, and they are disproportionately from black, brown and minority ethnic backgrounds.

The commission warned that social care, education, family support, and children’s mental health systems were failing thousands of vulnerable teenagers and costing billions.

They said Sure Start Plus programmes could be partly financed by the millions of pounds recovered from the proceeds of crime every year.

They would initially be placed in the areas of greatest need and bring local services together to provide bespoke services for families and children who need it.

They are named after the New Labour “Sure Start” programme aimed at giving children the best start in life that was then scrapped by the Tory government.

The Commission suggested a one off £1 billion children and young people’s mental health recovery programme, part-financed by a levy on social media companies and mobile phone providers.

And they also called for the government to hold regular Cobra meetings to tackle the scourge of serious violence.

Labour’s shadow education secretary, Bridget Phillipson, said the Conservatives were failing children.

“12 years of Conservative neglect has eroded the systems that keep children safe and that put young people on the path to fulfilling futures, blighting lives and costing taxpayers in the process,” she said.

HuffPost UK contacted the department for education for comment.

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Call For Law On Street Harassment As Teenage Girls Say ‘No More’

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Finally, Kids Will Now Get Free Period Products At School

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How I’ve Learned To Talk My 3-Year-Old Son Down From His Tantrums

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If Young People Watch Love Island As Sex Education, Should We Be Worried?

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‘Alarming’ Rise In Self-Harm Rates Among Young Women, Study Shows

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