What Makes A ‘Sincere’ Apology? And Is It Better To Stay Quiet Sometimes?

Have you ever had someone do something terrible to you and, rather than being offered a sincere from-the-heart apology, you get something that sounds like they’re being forced to say it at gunpoint?

Similar, in a way, to Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis’s recent video ‘apologising’ for writing a letter to a judge overseeing the That 70s Show actor Danny Masterson’s recent court case that saw him sentenced to 30 years in jail for drugging and raping two women.

Rather than coming across as sincere, the two adopted a defensive and, for lack of a better word, bizarre approach, with fans online saying it was all part of a bad PR move and a fake apology.

Serious court cases aside, is it better to not apologise at all if it doesn’t sound sincere? Or should you give a half-baked apology in the interest of bettering your relationships?

“Sincerity is everything when it comes to apologies,” Jessica Alderson co-founder and relationship expert at So Syncd shares exclusively to HuffPost UK.

“Honesty is a fundamental aspect of trust in any relationship, and fake apologies can actually do more harm than good. They often lack any genuine emotion or remorse, and if this is evident, it can make recipients feel disrespected, manipulated, and dismissed. Authenticity is key when it comes to meaningful relationships and building trust,” she says.

What to do if you don’t genuinely feel sorry, but want to protect the relationship, though?

“One option is to acknowledge the other person’s feelings without apologising for something you don’t genuinely feel sorry for. For instance, you could say, ‘I’m sorry that my actions hurt you,’ without admitting wrongdoing if you believe you were in the right,” she recommends.

As with everything, communication is key, says Jessica: “If it’s a one-on-one situation, communication can help to repair the relationship. Listen intently, share your honest thoughts, and be open to being vulnerable.

“Personal relationships can be complex, and truly understanding the nuances of a situation can require communication and understanding. If you are both open to each other’s perspectives, you have a far higher chance of resolving the issue than if you go through the motions with a half-baked apology.”

Whatever you do, saying sorry when you don’t mean it just won’t make things work in the long run, she says: “A non-sincere apology is like putting a plaster on a deep wound. You may temporarily hide the situation, but it won’t heal until you address the underlying problem.

“Think about the long-term consequences. While a non-sincere apology might temporarily smooth things over, it can lead to resentment or further issues down the road.”

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The One Mistake That’s Tripping Up Our New Year’s Resolutions, According To A Psychologist

We all want our New Year resolutions to work, but – every year – it always proves particularly difficult to make them stick.

It’s also hard not to drop any plans you may have had for self-improvement by spring, promising to yourself that you’ll try again when the next January rolls around.

We’ve all been there – trying to make the goals smaller, and rewarding yourself along the way, but nothing feels like it works.

Don’t give up yet though.

Senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Law, Mark Jellicoe, has suggested some more evidence-based techniques which could make 2023 the year you actually stick to those healthier habits.

So, here’s what to do – and not to do – this January.

Don’t tell everyone

We know, the usual wisdom advises you to tell more people, so there’s more social pressure – or more accountability – meaning you might be more likely to actually follow through.

But, Jellicoe sats: “There is growing evidence that would suggest doing this can be detrimental.”

Jellicoe suggests that the act of telling someone about the goal – and the subsequent praise you may receive – could “lead us to deceiving ourselves that we have already achieved” it.

So you might end up not actually ending attempting the goal with as much gusto as you may have beforehand.

Do manifest (a little)

A trend which has emerged in recent years suggests if an individual really wants something, they tell themselves actively they already have it to push their mindset into a more optimistic one.

It’s like a wider interpretation of the phrase, “dress for the job you want not the job you have”.

But, as Jellicoe points out that “manifesting is no magic bullet”, and there is little direct evidence suggesting this would help you realise a goal.

However, he suggests that “several supported scientific approaches” have a similar mindset ascribed to manifestation.

He explains: “It makes sense that if we orient ourselves towards an outcome then we might be more motivated to achieve it, which would invoke the pattern of thinking and behavioural beliefs to help us do this.”

The psychologist also suggests that manifesting was most effective when combined with setting goals.

Do set goals

It’s hard to set out clear, achievable targets – and it can sometimes feel too much like homework.

But, this is one of the most effective ways to make sure you reach that end goal.

Jellicoe suggests looking to the WOOP model – Wish, Outcome, Obstacle and Plan – to make sure the targets you set are realistic.

“This approach encourages us to think about the reality of our situation and the likely obstacles that come between us and our ultimate goals, so we can plan ways to overcome them.”

He suggests combining this with the more classic means to approach your goals – SMART – Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timebound, for the best results.

“Resolutions, or goals, are like alchemy. There are many reasons why we fail to achieve our resolutions. Often goals can be too vague or in reality, the resolution might be a wish that we are just not that committed to,” he explains.

3. Know your limits

Jellicoe also touches on the impact ab individual’s personality can have on achieving your goals too.

He advises looking at personalities through the five traditional factors which have been identified within most individuals: openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, neuroticism.

He urges anyone looking to change their habits to find out your personality type online so you can adapt your strategies appropriately.

For instance, those who are more conscientious are more likely to see goals through; but equally that could make someone stick at a goal when it’s no longer relevant.

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Help! My Toddler’s Taken A Serious Dislike To One Of Our Relatives

Having kids is all fun and games until your child decides they hate your relative – especially when you’re going to be spending Christmas with them.

One mum recently took to networking app Peanut to say her toddler had taken quite the dislike to her sister-in-law’s husband.

“She is a totally chill baby but when he comes over she will cry loads and cling to me,” she wrote. “I haven’t seen her like this with anyone else.”

What’s more, the mum said her sister-in-law’s husband is “the loveliest person”. What a pickle.

“I feel so bad that she doesn’t like him,” she wrote. “Any tips or advice? We’re having them over on Christmas Day and I’m worried. I also feel bad as she’s obsessed with my side of the family.”

There might be several reasons why little ones take a dislike to family members or friends, suggests Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari, a family therapist who founded the parenting platform Get The Village.

In some instances, a baby might sense a parent’s anxiety or stress around a particular person and react to it, she says. It might also be that once that person holds the baby, the child loses touch with the parents and becomes stressed, leading to fear of separation anxiety that is associated with that person.

“The problem is that when a parent anticipates the baby’s stressful reaction, the baby becomes more stressed, so it is a cycle or reaction that starts to be associated with that person,” says Dr Ben-Ari.

Everything a young child does – whether throwing themselves on the floor, or nuzzling their parents – is their way of demonstrating how they feel, because they often can’t verbalise it.

“In this instance, it sounds like the child is using lots of non-verbal messaging and non-verbal clues,” says Fiona Yassin, family psychotherapist and founder and clinical director of The Wave Clinic.

“Children often cry or cling to a parent in this way because they feel unsafe. It could be the person reminds them of someone else who looks quite scary,” she says.

The therapist offers the example that if the person has a beard, it could be that the child associates them with a bearded villain they’ve seen on TV and will remember the negative emotions they felt when they saw said villain – so “seeing this person may trigger a similar response”.

Sometimes children might have a sensory reaction to a family member that isn’t necessarily positive. They might take a dislike to a different voice, accent, smell or even appearance: for example, if they wear glasses or keep their shoes on in the house.

“Although these appear to be very small points, children look out for tiny differences, which is something we call the Little Professor,” says Yassin. “The Little Professor in the child has the job of trying to work out what’s going to happen next.”

What can parents do about it?

You’re probably dreading your child seeing the family member they’ve taken a dislike to, but you’re going to have to try really hard to think positively and anticipate a good connection. Otherwise your little one might pick up on your anxiety – fuelling the negative reaction further.

Ahead of seeing them, it might be helpful to create and share a positive persona of the person the child dislikes.

“If you have family photographs with the person in, show them to your child and talk about what that person does, who they are, who their family is and what activities they like to do,” says Yassin.

This helps the child to understand more about who they are and squash the idea of them as a villain-type character.

It can also be helpful to have your little one’s security blanket or toy on hand, suggests Dr Ben-Ari, to offer comfort and familiarity.

If the child’s reaction to the person is very strong, allow someone else to hold them while you greet and welcome the person, adds the therapist. “Seeing you at ease, relaxed and happy, interacting with that person will send the signal to the baby that it is safe.”

“Seeing you at ease, relaxed and happy, interacting with that person will send the signal to the baby that it is safe.”

– Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari

One thing you definitely shouldn’t do is force your child onto the person – whether that be letting them hug, kiss or hold them, which can ultimately just make things worse.

Instead, encourage the adult to give space to the baby to reach out to them, suggests Dr Ben-Ari. “The adult can start making fun noises, point to or hold a toy, offer the baby’s favourite toy, speak calmly to the baby, and once the baby shows signs of interest, they can slowly get closer.”

It’s also important not to leave your child alone with them – regardless of whether they’ve just arrived or have been there a while.

“When the person the child dislikes enters the room, it’s better they are not left on the floor or on their own,” says Yassin. “Hold the child or sit on the floor with them so you are physically at the same level.”

She continues: “Parents mustn’t force cuddles or plead the child to be nice to the person they have taken a dislike to. Railroading the situation and trying to force a relationship will create bigger barriers. Do not leave the child alone with the person for any length of time and be gentle with introductions.”

If the family – including the person the child dislikes – is coming for Christmas, keep things as normal as possible, says the therapist. And remember: it probably won’t last forever. “This type of situation tends to be a very big deal for a short period of time,” she adds, “but does blow over.”

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Time Flies By As We Get Older. This Is Why It Feels That Way

For many people, 2022 went by in a blink – doesn’t it feel like it was just January? But for others, especially children, last year’s holidays may seem like eons ago.

There’s a reason why you may feel like the years moved slowly when you were a kid, but zoom by now. Experts say our perception of time greatly changes as we age, which makes certain periods feel like they go by quickly.

“Our perception of days, weeks, years and that kind of time seems to be especially influenced by our perspective: Are we in the moment experiencing it, or are we looking backward on time?” says Cindy Lustig, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan.

She added that the perception of time is also influenced by memory and how much you’ve experienced. For an eigh-year-old, a week is a big portion of their life. For an 80-year-old, a week is a much smaller portion of their life, which contributes to the feeling that it went by quickly.

Looking back on time plays into this feeling of acceleration

A day in the life of a retired 80-year-old may feel like it’s going by more slowly than that of an eight-year-old who is busy at school. However, when both people look back on a month or a year, that period of time will seem like it went by faster to the older person.

This is for a number of reasons. For the 80-year-old, their life probably doesn’t look too different than it did when they were 78 or 79, “so, in that case, they’re looking back on fewer events,” Lustig says. “When you’re looking back, the less rich your representation is, the more it’s going to seem like the time went by quickly.”

In other words, our brains lump time together when the days or weeks are similar. So for an 80-year-old who largely does the same thing every day, the year is going to blend together in their mind and feel like it went by quickly.

The new and exciting things in a day are what make the days and months feel different, and thus set them apart in our minds.

As you age, your perception of time changes, which is why years may feel like they fly by.

Halfpoint Images via Getty Images

As you age, your perception of time changes, which is why years may feel like they fly by.

Changes to your routine can also affect how fast the years seem to go by

“Our brains are designed to record change,” says Adrian Bejan, a professor of mechanical engineering at Duke University and the author of the recent book Time And Beauty: Why Time Flies And Beauty Never Dies.

The many experiences young children have in a day (such as learning new things at school, going to ballet class or visiting a new friend’s house) contribute to the notion that time is more plentiful and more activities can fit into that time. Therefore, when looking back, time may feel slower.

This can apply to adults, too. When we look back on a time period that was filled with lots of new experiences, “we see [a] large expense of events and memories, and that makes it seem like time stretches out … and it feels very long,” Lustig says. If you’re not introducing new patterns into your life, time can feel like it’s going by much quicker overall.

Some experts think that how our brain absorbs images impacts our perception of time

How we process what we see can also influence how we view time, Bejan says. Our brains are trained to receive many images when we are infants. Because we’re absorbing so many new images as kids, it may feel like months and years are longer.

As adults, “the brain receives fewer images than it was trained to receive when young,” Bejan says. Therefore, we feel like time went by more quickly. In other words, there are physiological factors at play that influence our perception of time ― namely, the older we get, the faster it feels.

Trying out new things can help it feel like time went by more slowly.

Maskot via Getty Images

Trying out new things can help it feel like time went by more slowly.

While you can’t slow time, you can do things to feel like it’s moving a little slower.

Bejan says many older people ask him how they can slow down time, “because everybody wants to live longer [and has] the urge to do more and better things with the time that is available.”

He said one way to do this is to experience things that are new and out of your usual regimen.

This could mean picking up a childhood hobby (like dancing or violin), taking an overnight trip to a city you’ve never visited or signing up for a cooking class. Learning new things is another good way to make your time feel longer when you look back on your life, he said.

Bejan stresses the adage “variety is the spice of life”: you should get out of your routine and take advantage of the time you have, which will only help make you feel like your year had more time to fill, he says.

Living a routine-only life makes the year fly really fast, he adds.

Lustig notes that being fully engaged and “in the moment” can make those moments seem to last longer. In fact, laboratory studies show that mindfulness exercises can stretch our perception of time, she says. So don’t try to focus on multiple tasks at once. Instead, just focus on the experience at hand.

“None of us know how much time we have, but, interestingly, we do actually have a lot of control over how we experience that time,” Lustig says. “So I encourage everybody to make the most of the time that you’ve got.”

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6 Psychologically Damaging Things People Say At Work

The words of co-workers and clients can stay with you long after you leave a job and certain phrases can detonate a professional relationship, making people question whether they ever truly belonged at a company or if they can ever work with or trust a colleague again.

That’s why it’s so important to learn to identify and avoid such phrases, whether they’re obviously rude or seemingly innocuous. Here are psychologically damaging but commonly used phrases to watch out for in your work communications.

1. “No offence but …” or “No disrespect but …”

Mary Abbajay, president of the leadership development consultancy Careerstone Group, was once hired by a company to conduct team building. When she met the manager of the team she would work with, he told her, “With all due respect, I’ve forgotten more about team building than you’ll ever know.”

Abbajay ended up turning down the job as a result. “This was 15 years ago, and it stills sticks with me,” she said. “If he hadn’t said ‘with all due respect,’ I might’ve taken it differently. That’s just the icing on the cake that shows ‘I do not respect you, I think you’re wrong.’”

Along with the similar phrase “No offence …,” she said, these condescending words signal that the speaker does not respect the other person’s point of view.

2. “I don’t have time for this.”

Psychological safety is key to keeping teams together. Researchers describe it as the mental space in which employees are free to speak up, share bad news, and ask for help when they are in over their heads.

If your pattern in responding to colleagues’ requests is telling them that you are too busy or don’t have enough time, it sends a signal that the other person is not a priority and that they shouldn’t go to you when they need help.

“That person is going to be reluctant to come back to you again if there’s a problem or situation, and it may throw them off so much that they’re worried too much about taking your time and annoying you than getting what they need,” Abbajay said.

When managers say this, it can silence their team and make members less likely to own up to mistakes, she added.

3. “What X is trying to say is …”

If you’ve been in a meeting with a colleague who feels the need to reframe what you just said in their own words, then you understand the frustration of hearing this phrase. Abbajay said this is the one she dislikes the most, because it doesn’t move the conversation productively forward even if that’s the speaker’s intent.

When someone does this to you, you may jump to a conclusion like “I’m inarticulate, I’m stupid, people aren’t understanding me, people aren’t respecting it out of my mouth, so you feel like you have to say it out of your mouth,” she said. “It’s very diminishing. It lowers the other person’s status.”

Rather than rephrasing colleagues’ words, Abbajay said colleagues could simply request when they need more of an explanation in a conversation.

4. “You seem young for …” or “You’re so articulate for a …”

Lawrese Brown, the founder of C-Track Training, a workplace education company, cited the type of undermining comments that you can sometimes be the recipient of when you go against a colleague’s assumptions and expectations of how you should present yourself at work. These comments can range from microaggressions about your identity to questions about your leadership potential.

Brown said she has heard from clients who have been told they were being a “weak” leader or “seemed young.” One client was advised to change her hairstyle.

“Her manager told her people would take her more seriously if she straightened her hair,” she said. “These all fall under the umbrella of, ‘You’re being perceived as not appropriate; something about your self-presentation or the way you’re being perceived causes people to question your ability to do the job.’”

These kind of comments can get under employees’ skin and make them feel inadequate at work. “We start to feel the way we’re operating is not appropriate or effective, or we’re just conscious that it could be a knock against us,” Brown said.

5. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Brown said it’s OK to note that words can be interpreted differently, but that you should be careful not to be dismissive when others disagree. “I didn’t mean it like that” is a common defensive comment that does not acknowledge how your words can be received, she said.

The goal is to recognise that your words carry weight, and can do harm. Remind yourself someone is on the receiving end of your comment, and first ask yourself, “Is it productive?” before you say it, she said.

6. “Nobody else has brought this up to me” or “You’re taking this personally.”

Brown said managers commonly make the mistake of using invalidating comments such as, “Nobody else has brought this up to me” when a team or employee raises a concern. According to Brown, that can send the message: “If this is only important to you, is this worth taking seriously?”

When colleagues invalidate your feelings like this, or you do it to others, it can stop much-needed conversations from happening.

″‘You’re too emotional about this, you’re taking this personally. Other people haven’t said this.’ What you’re missing by saying this is you’re undermining the other person,” Brown said. “These are phrases, that once said, very few people have the tools to have the difficult conversation to unpack that. People just don’t say anything.“

And ultimately, when co-workers stop talking to each other, communication breaks down, mistakes are more likely to happen, tensions run higher and everyone is more on edge.

Your colleagues will “tend to be more people-pleasing, because they no longer trust their own voice, or perception of an experience, or it inhibits their ability to trust their colleagues,” Brown said. “When we don’t trust, we put more rigid processes in place, and it’s because we don’t believe that our word will be acknowledged or that our needs in environments will be met.”

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