6 Habits To Avoid If You Don’t Want To Spoil Your Kids

Posted on 23/02/2024 by Boris Clair

Parents don’t set out to raise spoiled children, but we do care for them from the time that they are helpless infants, and this can launch us into habits that involve doing lots of things for them. But as children grow, we need to ensure that they are doing more for themselves, and not expecting you — or anyone else — to cater to every one of their needs.

Some object to the idea of labelling children “spoiled.” They aren’t fruit to be tossed away, after all, and it is their behaviours, not who they are, that we don’t approve of. “Children behave in the ways they are taught,” Jeff Yoo, a licensed therapist at Moment of Clarity Health Center, told HuffPost. “I don’t like to label any kid with a negative,” he continued.

Yet we know that’s it not good for kids to always get what they want. “Spoiled tends to reference privileges, often without a sense of them being earned or that they’re taken for granted. We also think of spoiled children as lacking empathy,” Matt Lundquist, a psychotherapist in New York City, explained to HuffPost.

We want our children to be able to get along with others, share, show respect to adults, understand that their behaviour has consequences and not assume that they will always get their way. To encourage these attitudes and behaviours instead of “spoiled” ones, we asked experts which habits parents should avoid. Here’s what they had to say.

1. Making excuses or apologising on behalf of children.

It makes sense for a parent to mention that a fussy baby or toddler is overtired because they missed a nap, but as kids’ get older they should be held accountable for their behaviour, even if they’re having a bad day. Lundquist recommended that parents neither make excuses for children being unkind or apologise on their behalf.

Forcing a child to apologise rarely brings about a heartfelt apology, but a quick, private conversation in which you ask a kid whether they think what they did was acceptable and how it might have made the other person feel can often inspire a child to make a genuine apology on their own.

2. Failing to enforce boundaries or limits.

It’s no secret why parents sometimes cave to their children’s demands. Breaking down and allowing for more screen time, or buying the requested item, can feel a lot easier than coping with the tantrum that may result if you stand strong and refuse. But while capitulating in this way may “win” you the battle, it can lead to you losing the war.

“It is easier to give into bad behaviour to get immediate reactions that satisfy the parents’ needs at the moment. However, the negative consequences to the child may and do last a lifetime,” Yoo said. These consequences can include poor impulse control and other kinds of dysfunction.

Because children will test boundaries, “consistency is the key,” Yoo continued. If you’ve said the iPad has to be turned off when the timer dings, stick to it every time you use this strategy. If you sometimes say this and don’t follow up, children will realise it right away.

Communicate to your child that they may have feelings about the boundary, but they still have to adhere to it. You can say, “I see you are angry about having to turn off the iPad in the middle of your game” or validate their feelings in another way without giving in to their demands.

3. Protecting children from the consequences of their behaviour.

If a child misbehaves at school, for example, and is given detention or some other consequence, it’s important to not jump in to spare the child from the consequence. (Unless your child is being discriminated against.) Doing so can signal to a child that they are special and don’t need to follow the same rules as other children, and undermines the authority of teachers or other adults who care for your kid.

4. Replacing things too quickly.

If a child has lost a beloved item, a parent’s instinct is usually to replace it as fast as possible. But this doesn’t always give children a chance to experience their sadness. Allowing a child to have these kinds of feelings teaches them that they’re resilient and can handle tough situations.

Children also need to know that they can’t always count on immediate gratification, and they need opportunities to practice waiting.

5. Writing off poor behaviour as “kids being kids.”

“There’s a sense with kids who don’t experience enough limits that being unkind isn’t much of a big deal or, more problematically, that there’s something special about them that exempts them from having to do the work of kindness and caring,” Lundquist said.

While it’s true that kids can be cruel or engage in bullying, that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be consequences for it — as well as support for the child who was hurt.

6. Inconsistent discipline.

“When discipline is inconsistently used to teach rules … this fosters confusion about what is and is not acceptable,” Yoo said.

It isn’t easy, but sticking to your boundaries and consequences will serve your kids (and you!) best in the long run.

When you are upholding boundaries or following through with consequences, make sure your kids understand that it is their behaviour that you disapprove of — not them. You love your kids unconditionally, but when they misbehave, you call them out on it. Doing so, Lundquist said, is “an important part of children coming to tolerate, for themselves, this idea — ‘I’m pretty great, but sometimes I can be hurtful, and those are all parts of me.’”

When you do introduce a new behaviour intervention, such as a consequence or a rule, you can expect some initial difficulty, Lundquist explained. “Kids (like all of us) don’t like limits and, typically, when a limit is introduced (or there’s a new effort to really enforce a rule that’s been too loose), they’ll push back.” It can be a challenge, but parents need to remain strong in these moments and remember that “the fact that setting a limit generates intense pushback doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea,” Lundquist said.

On the other end of the spectrum, someone may hear you being effusive with your kids and warn you that you’re going to spoil them, but celebrating your children’s achievements isn’t what leads to entitled behaviour.

“There is no amount of praise … hugs and high fives that will make a child spoiled. Far too often, nurturing and praise are maligned under the umbrella of a kind of anti-spoiling strategy,” Lundquist said.

He emphasised the importance of kids appreciating their own complexity, and understanding that they are capable of both kind and unkind actions.

“Spoiling kids is much more about preventing kids from experiencing the unpleasant parts of themselves than doing too much supporting and celebrating what’s great about them,” he continued.

“In fact, the more the good stuff is cheered, the easier it is to absorb the hard stuff.”

How To Teach Kids The Importance Of Accountability

Posted on 10/12/2023 by Boris Clair

We’re living in a time and place in which it often seems the people in charge have no sense of accountability ― whether it’s governors rejecting mask mandates and other public health measures aimed at keeping people safe, or leaders failing to own up to their role in big and small failures.

On an everyday level, many adults don’t understand the consequences of their actions and refuse to acknowledge when they’ve made mistakes. And as always, our children are watching. So perhaps now, more than ever, is the time for parents to focus on teaching kids about accountability.

“Accountability is a way to take responsibility for actions you’re in charge of,” Priya Tahim, a licensed professional counsellor and founder of Kaur Counseling, told HuffPost. “By teaching kids personal accountability, you’re teaching them that mistakes happen and when those mistakes happen, it’s important to learn to fix or grow from them.”

“It helps instill moral values of right and wrong, even when there is no one watching,” she added. “It also allows kids to see that it’s OK to make mistakes, and there are ways to move forward from those mistakes.”

So how can parents create a culture of accountability in their homes? Below, Tahim and other experts share their advice.

Start small.

“Parents are unsure sometimes about when to actually start asking their kids to be accountable,” Sheryl Ziegler, a psychologist and the author of “Mommy Burnout,” told HuffPost. “I feel like it starts when they’re toddlers, and it’s as simple as, ‘We can play with the puzzle but when we’re all done, we need to clean it up.’”

She noted that kids may wander off to play with something else or get a snack when the puzzle is finished, and too often parents resort to just cleaning it up themselves because it’s faster and easier that way. But it’s better to provide opportunities for kids to take ownership of their own little responsibilities.

“If you start early, you start setting the foundation that it’s important to be accountable: ‘Sure we can play with that now, as long as we clean this up,’” Ziegler said. “You can make it fun and have cute cleanup songs like they do in preschool, but bring it into the home to reinforce that this is how the world works.”

Give more responsibilities.

As kids get older, you can give them more things to be responsible for. The key is to make sure the tasks are developmentally appropriate, such as asking toddlers to pick up their toys and books at the end of the day.

“For kids that might be a little bit older, it could look like packing your own lunch, packing your own backpack, making your bed, or putting all of your dirty clothes in the hamper,” clinical psychologist and author Jenny Yip said. “Kids begin to understand that they do have responsibilities, and the choices they make ultimately have consequences. It also teaches them free will and how to be responsible citizens of society ― it’s ‘I do have a part in what happens in the world.’”

Responsibilities lead to opportunities for accountability. Cindy Graham, a psychologist and founder of Brighter Hope Wellness Center, advised allowing children to be Mommy or Daddy’s “helper” ― getting a diaper for their baby sibling, helping out in the kitchen or even picking up groceries when they reach their teen years.

“Kids are likely to continue on with actions they feel motivated to do and find highly rewarding,” Graham said. “Therefore, parents should also ask their kids for ways they would like to show how responsible they can be.”

Teach them about consequences.

“Accountability means taking ownership of the decisions and the choices you make, and accepting whatever consequences those choices come with,” Yip said. “It’s important for every young child to learn so that they understand cause and effect and how the choices they make have consequences, positive or negative.”

There are many everyday opportunities for kids to make decisions or take actions and then experience the natural consequences of those choices, said Amanda Gummer, a child psychologist and founder of The Good Play Guide.

“For example, I suggest don’t fight them if they don’t want to take a coat, but then when they moan about being cold or wet, simply explain that that is why you suggested taking a coat in the first instance, but that it was their decision not to bother. So they now need to put up with the discomfort that results,” Gummer told HuffPost.

“Perhaps they might not want to eat their lunch,” she added as another example. “There’s no need to start an argument or fight about it, but just make it clear there’s nothing else to eat until dinnertime and so if they are hungry, they will have to deal with it.”

Children should also understand that even when they experience negative consequences resulting from their choices, there’s always an opportunity to make things better or try again next time.

Parents should help their children understand the positive and negative consequences of their actions.

Offer positive reinforcement.

“Don’t forget praise at all age levels,” said Lea Lis, a psychiatrist who works with both children and adults. “Parents tend to notice when kids mess up, but when they are doing really well, they ignore it. Praise your child that is doing well with their accountability at all times, and catch them being good!”

Kids should learn that taking responsibility isn’t just about negative consequences, but about positive rewards as well. In addition to verbal praise, positive reinforcement can also come in the form of allowance for doing chores, gold stars for good behavior or a reward chart to earn prizes.

The important thing is to just acknowledge their accountability in some way, even with the little things.

“If they cleaned their room or made their bed on their own, you want to reinforce that,” Ziegler said. “You can say something like, ‘Good job this morning! I really appreciate how you made your bed, and I didn’t even have to tell you. That makes the morning so nice. Now we can get out of the house and go to the pool sooner.’”

Model accountability.

“I believe the primary way parents can teach their kids accountability every day is to model these behaviours,” Graham said.

She recommended that parents set an example by actively and openly practicing taking accountability for their actions. This can involve things like apologizing when they make mistakes, acknowledging when their behaviors or emotions are more extreme than a situation warrants, or identifying ways to make amends when they hurt others.

“Children are likely to repeat what they see others doing, so it is important for caregivers to be aware of the lessons kids are learning from them,” Graham said.

Parents can also use examples from their kids’ favorite shows and movies to talk about how the characters take accountability for their actions.

Show consistency.

“I would say consistency is the most important thing a parent can do while teaching their kids to be accountable ― consistency in how they handle times their child doesn’t take responsibility, or creating and following family rules,” Tahim said.

She recommended teaching children to follow a routine, such as waking up, brushing teeth, making the bed, showering, etc. Although parents are often exhausted, it’s valuable to make sure kids are adhering to these steps on a regular basis.

“As adults, we know that not brushing your teeth or not showering can not only have physical consequences, but social,” Tahim said. “So if you teach your child to follow a routine and they don’t follow through, it’s up to the parents to correct that action. In many cases, parents will often set rules but not follow through on the consequences once they set them. This behaviour promotes irresponsibility by teaching kids that their behaviour is acceptable and they don’t have to accept responsibility.”

Discuss the feelings involved.

Teaching a kid accountability can also help them learn how to process their feelings in an appropriate way, Tahim said.

Of course, everyone gets anxious, upset, angry and so forth. Being accountable involves learning to take charge of your emotions and process them in healthy ways, such as taking deep breaths, journaling or talking about how you feel.

“For example, discourage throwing things, hitting, biting, yelling as a form of anger release. Instead, try to have them release in a healthy way and be accountable for how they feel,” Tahim said. “Encourage them to explore what triggers their feelings and ways they can accept responsibility for those triggers.”

Be open-minded.

“The more open-minded a parent can be in teaching their kids accountability, the better,” Graham said. “Remember, kids will make mistakes. Parents should take care to self-regulate and not have large emotional displays when their kids struggle with accountability. This can lead their child to be less likely to want to talk about times where accountability is difficult for them.”

It’s also important for kids to understand the difference between the things they can and can’t control.

“Good mental health comes from correctly taking responsibility for things within their control ― for example, how hard they study for an exam ― while not taking responsibility for things they can’t control, like the disruption to schooling because of COVID, the lockdowns and home schooling,” Gummer said.

Parents can help their kids recognise the difference and ensure they don’t take responsibility for things they shouldn’t. Psychotherapist Noel McDermott emphasised that children often have an egocentric mindset in that they think bad things happening around them are their fault.

“A child might feel responsible for their parents’ feelings, so it’s important to model healthy boundaries around this,” he told HuffPost. “Mostly this will be achieved by, as parents, making it clear that your child cannot lose your love, and also by modelling and explaining when Mummy or Daddy is upset, it’s never because of them.”

Promote their independence.

“You want to build up an accountability system that eventually doesn’t rely on you,” Lis said. “For example, you might want to help them with their organisation skills or homework when they are in elementary school, but eventually, you want them to figure out how to check their assignments and organise their desks and rooms without your help.”

While you may reward your children for doing their homework when they’re young, consider longer stretches of time between such reinforcements as they get older (i.e. only rewarding bigger milestones like good report cards for teenagers).

Promoting their independence and sense of accountability also empowers kids to take ownership of their successes and failures.

“This reduces children blaming other people for things that go wrong and also helps kids feel good about themselves when things do go well, which also builds confidence,” Yip said. “Essentially, being accountable builds resiliency.”

So THAT’s How To Introduce Your Kids To Spicy Foods

Posted on 25/11/2023 by Boris Clair

Anyone who spends time around young children can attest to the fact that picky palates are common. Bold flavours ― especially those that involve heat ― often take little kids by surprise, and many react to the unfamiliarity with loud and adamant refusal. My almost-2-year-old niece, for example, is a mini foodie who loves just about every dish she tries … unless hot peppers are involved. One bite of salsa or guacamole, and she’s in full meltdown mode.

I, on the other hand, have loved spicy foods since I was a toddler (at least, according to my mom), and my adoration for peppers, chilli powder, cayenne, hot sauces and all other capsaicin-loaded eats has persisted into adulthood. That makes me wonder: Can spice tolerance be learned? Can kids develop a taste for spicy foods, even if they’re not immediate fans? And if so, how can a parent go about facilitating this while respecting their child’s preferences?

To answer these questions, we asked licensed nutritionists and dieticians who work with children to provide some guidance on the best ways to introduce young kids to spicy foods — and how to give them the space and the support to decide whether they like these dishes.

Children can begin to encounter seasoned foods at 7 to 12 months.

Most babies begin their foray into solid foods with soft and easy-to-eat items like warm cereal and pureed fruits and vegetables. Generally speaking, these intro foods feature gentle flavours and aren’t seasoned with salt or spices. At around the 7-month mark, though, Los Angeles-based registered dietician Blanca Garcia says that “most families with spicy foods in their cultures start giving infants foods with flavours. [Examples include] beans cooked with onions, garlic or black pepper, ginger, ginger tea and turmeric. For other cultures, spices can also include [mild] curries and garam masala. These foods are not spicy, but they do have flavours that can give the palate the foundation for what is to come.”

Begin by exposing kids to aromatic spices without heat.

As Garcia said, spices that deliver big flavours but don’t include capsaicin (the active component that causes the burning sensation prompted by hot peppers) can whet a child’s palate for more intense spices down the line.

Dawn Kane, a certified food scientist and the regulatory affairs manager for Little Spoon, advises first introducing aromatic spices without heat — think cinnamon, basil, mint or cumin — to kids.

“Start with a small amount to get your little one familiar with the ingredient and gradually incorporate it into more and more meal occasions,” she said. “Adding these spices can help expose your little one to a range of flavours and ingredients, helping to mitigate a future picky eater.”

When it comes to ‘hot’ foods, wait until your child has the ability to clearly say yes or no.

Adding foods with capsaicin to your child’s diet should wait until the child in question can clearly articulate their reaction to these dishes.

Registered dietician and certified nutritionist Reda Elmardi recommends waiting until after the age of 2 to try giving your kids spicy foods, both because of their physical development — she said kids’ taste buds become fully developed around that age — and because children deserve the agency to determine their own comfort levels with hot spices, which can be painful for some people to eat.

Gradually add spice to dishes that your child already enjoys.

Carefully easing your child into the experience of eating spicy food is a smart move.

“Start with a small amount of spice and serve with foods your child already enjoys,” advised registered dietician Johna Burdeos. “For instance, this might be in the form of a spicy dip to go with favourite finger foods, or a spicy sauce or gravy served with noodles, pasta, rice or potatoes. Increase the spiciness gradually, as your child’s tolerance evolves.”

Be careful with the amount of salt you use.

To mitigate the intensity of the spices and/or peppers you use in your recipe — which is always advisable, but especially when you’re cooking for kids who haven’t gotten used to spicy foods yet — keep a close eye on the amount of salt that you’re adding to the dish. Salt can heighten the perception of heat and make a spicy dish feel especially fiery.

Paediatric dietician Cathy Monaghan of Weaning.ie in Ireland urges you to “ensure there is no salt in the spice blends that you are using, and avoid added salt.”

Don’t force your kid to eat spicy foods, but make these dishes available to them if they want to try again.

If you introduce a spicy dish to your child and learn that they dislike it, you may assume that you missed your chance to instil a love of heat in your kid’s tastebuds. Luckily, registered dietician and nutritionist Allison Tallman of SportingSmiles.com assures us that all is not lost — as long as you let your child dictate the pace of future spicy food encounters.

“If your kid continues to disapprove of spicy foods, you can continue to offer them in small quantities, and again, one at a time,” Tallman said. “Do not push your child to eat it, though, as it may build up resentment. Give your child the choice to consume the food when and if desired.”

If your children help you prepare spicy dishes, take proper precautions.

Inviting your children to participate in the cooking process can help develop their overall interest in food, and letting them help as you prep a spicy meal could encourage them to give the completed dish a try. That said, special precautions need to be observed when you and your kids handle hot peppers or seasonings. Kids tend to rub their eyes and faces a lot, which can be very painful if their fingers have touched capsaicin.

“Safety measures for cooking with spicy peppers include being mindful of knives and the hot stove/pans so they don’t get cut or burned. It would also be very helpful to use gloves so they don’t get the capsaicin on their skin or in their eyes and feel those burns,” explains paediatric dietitian Courtney Bliss of Feeding Bliss in Phoenix.

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