Struggling With Difficult Emotions? Try These Three Movements

While we all know that life ebbs and flows, emotions come and go and bad times don’t last, when you’re in a moment that you’ve found yourself completely overwhelmed by the emotions that difficult emotions have brought you, it can be hard to get your mind back to that grounded, realistic place of thinking.

Especially if you’re already struggling with mental health problems as 1 in 4 people in the UK do.

According to life coach Morgan Starr-Riestis, the solution, at least as these emotions are taking over, is bilateral simulation.

What is bilateral simulation?

According to the Anxiety Release App, bilateral stimulation is stimuli (visual, auditory or tactile) which occur in a rhythmic left-right pattern. For example, visual bilateral stimulation could involve watching a hand or moving light alternating from left to right and back again. Auditory bilateral stimulation could involve listening to tones that alternate between the left and right sides of the head.

The effects of it are:

  • A relaxation effect including decreased physiological arousal
  • Increased attentional flexibility (meaning that your thoughts become less ‘stuck’ on whatever was bothering you)
  • Distancing effect (meaning that the problem seems smaller and further away)
  • Decreased worry

Bilateral simulation movements to help with difficult emotions

All of these movements will help to activate your parasympathetic nervous system which relaxes your body.

What to do when you feel angry

For this, Starr-Riestis recommends gorilla thumps which are exactly what they sound like. Lightly thump up and down your body, without inflicting actual pain on yourself to release the tension that anger creates.

Next, try alternating fists to the floor. This is done simply by standing still and punching downwards, again without hurting yourself. Pair these movements with your breath and eventually with alternating stomps.

Now, do a full body shakeout and take some deep breaths. Repeat the entire process if necessary!

What to do when you feel sad

For this emotion, you comfort yourself by doing ‘butterfly taps’. This involves crossing your wrists over the centre of your chest and alternating gentle taps on your chest using your hands. Next, give yourself ‘self hugs’ by crossing your arms over one another and alternating pressure to give a ‘hug’ sensation on each side. Continuing with this ‘self-hug’ sensation, fold your arms a little more loosely and sway from foot to foot to do a ‘bamboo sway’.

Finally, find a prop and use it to throw and catch between your hands, around your body, before resting it on your stomach and watch how it moves when you inhale and exhale.

Starr-Riestits also urges that if any of this makes you feel like you’re going to cry, just let those tears fall! Reducing the physical impacts of our emotions doesn’t mean ignoring them entirely.

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The Most Common Signs Of Autism In Adult Women

More girls and women are being diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum than ever before.

This is due, in part, to the symptoms being more spoken about than they have in the past, with celebrities sharing their insights and stories with the world.

Everyone from Courtney Love, Greta Thunberg, Daryl Hannah and Susan Boyle have shared that they are autistic.

And most recently, the singer Sia has shared on Rob Has A Podcast about her recent diagnosis. “For 45 years, I was like … ‘I’ve got to go put my human suit on,’” she shares on the pod. “And only in the last two years have I become fully, fully myself.”

That feeling of being different is shared with many autistic women and girls and could be part of the reason why, historically, women are much less likely to be diagnosed than men.

“They might seem to have fewer social difficulties than autistic men and boys, but this could be because they are more likely to ‘mask’ their autistic traits”, says the UK’s National Autistic Society.

Contrary to behaviours that people usually associate with autistic people, like rocking in chairs and an obsession with trains, autistic women and girls may demonstrate things like “twirling hair and reading books, and as such may go unnoticed despite the greater intensity or focus typical for autistic people.”

TikTok video creator Kaelynn shared about her experience with autism, saying that she had to learn to mimic other people’s body language and soon learned to fit in that way. This is often referred to as masking.

Things could be changing, though: a report by The Independent shows around 150,000 women took an online test (verified by health professionals) to see if they have autism in 2021, up from about 49,000 in 2020.

If you think you might be autistic, here are the other most common symptoms to look for…

  1. Difficulty making and keeping friends
  2. Having unusual sensitivity to sensory challenges, like not liking the feeling of how clothing sits on their body, or how bright the lights are in their house
  3. Having passionate but limited interests (not always typical autistic interests, like trains, numbers, etc.)
  4. Difficulty communicating with others and feeling like the odd one out
  5. Might have a flat, monotone voice and difficulty conveying emotions with their face, or might not be able to hide their emotions
  6. Stimming – this could be rubbing hands together, skin picking, rocking back and forward, clapping hands, feet rubbing, hair twirling, etc. It’s thought to be a self-regulation tool to help autistic people self-soothe and calm down

If you think you might be autistic, head to the National Autistic Society’s website or speak to your GP for advice and more information.

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Turns Out Men And Women Experience Very Differently – Here’s Why

Depression is an extremely common mental illness, affecting 1 in 6 adults in the UK and usually in combination with other mental health conditions like anxiety, stress, and loneliness. It’s still a massively undertreated condition with only 15% of women getting treatment for it and 9% of men. Women are also twice as likely to experience depression than men.

The differences don’t end there, though.

It turns out that the way the two sexes react to and experience the symptoms of depression are different, too.

Depression Between The Sexes

Depression can hit as early in life as adolescence and for girls, this means struggling with body image, guilt, feelings of failure, difficulty concentrating and general sadness. For boys, this manifests as losing interest in their usual activities and to be more downcast and tired in the morning.

As they get older, women are more likely to see their depression manifesting with stress, sadness, and sleep problems while men will experience irritability and anger outbursts.

It is also worth noting that transgender teens are at a much more elevated risk of developing depression and half of LGBTQI+ people have experienced depression, with three in five also suffering from anxiety.

Why Do The Sexes Experience Depression Differently?

A new study of over 270,000 participants found that prediction methods that take into account gender are more precise in determining an individual’s genetic predisposition to depression than those that do not consider gender.

Until now, depression has been treated without gender being considered but this research has highlighted the importance of gender-based treatments due to both the body’s development of the illness and the widely different ways that it can manifest.

The researchers found 11 sections of DNA associated with depression in women and only a single section in men.

This study also found that depression was linked to metabolic diseases like diabetes and also linked to obesity in women.

Researchers hope that this first-of-its-kind study will help to guide future gender-specific treatment.

Get Help With Depression

If you’re struggling with depression or think you could be, speak to your GP to get the support that you need. Treatments for depression can include talking therapies and medication. Your GP will work with you to identify the best treatment for you. The mental health charity Mind has advice on resources for mental health self-help too.

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Unable To Do Anything When Stressed? You’re Probably In ‘Freeze Mode’

You’ve heard of fight or flight but do you know the third stress response? It’s called a freeze response and it’s more common than you’d think. Put simply: the freeze response renders sufferers immobile. This is an acute stress response, much like the fight or flight response.

What Happens During A Freeze Response?

A freeze response is actually a different physiological process than fight or flight. Researchers describe the response as ‘attentive immobility’ as when the person is in a ‘freeze response’, they are unable to move or take action against real or perceived danger. During a freeze response, sufferers experience:

  • Physical immobility
  • A drop in heart rate as opposed to the increase found in fight or flight
  • Muscle tension

What Causes People to Freeze?

While it may seem like a counterintuitive reaction, the freeze response, it does serve a purpose and is rooted in some of our most primal instincts

Research in 2017 suggests that the freeze response is similar and potentially related to disassociation. This is something that can occur when somebody goes through a particularly traumatic event. It makes the event feel less reason, causing the person to feel detached. This makes sense given that the freeze response is more common in people that have had traumatic experiences.

Are You Stuck In Freeze Mode?

While this sounds like a response to external triggers that won’t impact your day-to-day life, anxiety sufferers can be triggered into a stress response due to their nervous systems being overwhelmed. So, for what would usually be a small, inconsequential thing can set off the symptoms of a freeze response.

This can be especially stressful if you’re trying to get on with your daily life and work. According to psychologists, people stuck in Freeze Mode will find themselves feeling heavier, struggling to ‘get going’ with work or household tasks and will often stay in the same place feeling frozen for long periods of time. Of course, not being able to do the things that are usually second nature comes with its own issues such as guilt, frustration and low mood – all of which can compound the freeze response even further.

How To Snap Out Of Freeze Mode

While this can understandably feel inescapable for sufferers, freeze mode is something that you can bring yourself out of. The first thing you can do to help yourself, which may help to gain some clarity, is recognise that what you’re experiencing is freeze mode.

Be mindful of the symptoms that you’re experiencing and then acknowledge them for what they are. This creates a barrier between you and the response. Next, start at your toes and slowly move parts of your body all the way to your head to reconnect with your body and break free from the disconnect that freeze mode creates.

Finally, do something completely different in a different room. This could be pouring yourself a glass of water, washing your face or simply opening a window.

Be gentle with yourself in the days following a freeze response In the hours and days following a freeze response, you may feel tired, aching and even have some residual anxiety.

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10 Ways To Take Care Of Yourself When You’re Grieving

One of the toughest ― and often most traumatic ― experiences in life is grief, a part of our journey that impacts everyone and doesn’t get any easier the more times you go through it.

“Grief is a universal and human experience,” said Christina Zampitella, the founder of the Center for Grief and Trauma Therapy in Delaware who also has a grief-focused podcast called “Phoenix Rising With Dr. Z.” But, unlike many other universal experiences, grief is not anticipated or straightforward.

“It’s your natural response to loss. That’s a simple answer, but, of course, it’s not a simple experience,” said Dr. M. Katherine Shear, director of the Center for Prolonged Grief at Columbia University in New York.

Grief shows up differently for everyone and changes depending on what activates it, who’s around and a person’s state of mind, Shear added. Its complexity means there is no grief road map — it looks different for everyone, which means there is no way of knowing how it’ll impact you until it does.

But while grief is different for everyone, there are commonalities, Shear added. One of those commonalities is that there are things you can do to move through your grief and help yourself feel even just a little bit better. Here, experts share the things you can do to take care of yourself as you’re grieving.

Understand that there is no right or wrong way to grieve

“The first thing is to be sure not to second-guess grief,” Shear said. “We want to kind of let it be and not worry about whether we’re grieving in the right way or not.”

In other words, you are never grieving “wrong” — however you’re feeling is right for you. So, if you’re worried your grief isn’t normal, put that thought out of your head. (One exception is if you’re doing something dangerous to grieve — like drinking too much or driving recklessly. That is an unhealthy way to cope.)

She added that grief is not something we can control, either, so any thoughts or feelings you’re having are valid. “Maybe get interested in [the thoughts] or maybe not take [them] too seriously, but don’t try to control it because grief is not really all that controllable, honestly,” she said.

Make sure your basic needs are met

Taking care of yourself by sleeping, eating, drinking water, exercising, resting and practicing proper hygiene are all necessary parts of self-care, according to Zampitella. Your body won’t feel any better if you aren’t eating three meals a day or if you’re skipping crucial aspects of your routine.

There’s no doubt that some of these so-called basic things may feel like a challenge for you in the early phases of grief, but it’s important to try to prioritise yourself ― even if that means missing a step in your regular skin care routine (that’s OK) or skipping breakfast to get some extra sleep.

Allow yourself to put your grief aside

“We need to have periods of being with our grief, even though it’s painful, because pain doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad … and we also need respite,” Shear said.

It’s necessary to both feel the pain of grief and allow yourself to take breaks because that pain is a lot to cope with, she added.

“Try to commit to taking some time every day, even just five minutes … just some time every day to do something a little bit pleasant,” Shear said.

And this means doing something as pleasant as you can manage — it doesn’t have to be going to happy hour with friends or treating yourself to a spa day. It can mean watching a funny YouTube video or making yourself your favourite tea.

“Do it and make it almost like a ritual … you can think of it almost as a way of honouring the love the person who died had for you because you know that’s what they would want for you,” she said.

Be careful of what you say yes to

While you’re in the early stages of grief, you can’t expect yourself to show up as you always have for friends and family, Zampitella said.

“[Make] sure that you’re very intentional with what you’re saying no and what you’re saying yes to,” she added. While you still have to do necessary things like getting your kids to school or paying your electric bill, you shouldn’t take on things that aren’t essential.

Instead of saying yes to things that feel like too much, let yourself lean into your grief, Zampitella said. Oscillating back and forth between grief and the day’s necessities can help you move through your grief in a healthier manner, she said.

Additionally, Shear said, you should avoid anything new for the most part — “unless it’s something you really want to do and that fits into having some pleasant time.”

Things that are not rewarding or that are stressful should be put on the back burner, she said. When you’re actively grieving, “it’s not the best time to take on new tasks or do anything challenging,” she said.

Find ways to express your emotions, like journaling

According to Zampitella, it can be helpful to find outlets to express how you’re feeling. This could include listening to music, doing crafts or journaling.

She noted that when it comes to journaling for grief, there are time parameters that can help you effectively cope. Zampitella recommends journaling for four days a week for 20 minutes. (More than 20 minutes can cause you to get flooded with emotion while less than that amount of time won’t allow you to get into the practice, she said.)

It's important to reach out to your support network when you're grieving.

Vladimir Vladimirov via Getty Images

It’s important to reach out to your support network when you’re grieving.

Try mindfulness

“Learning mindfulness and meditation techniques are a really nice way of being able to hold your feelings without getting swallowed up by them,” Zampitella said. And when it comes to meditation, you don’t have to commit to long periods of time ― even just five minutes of meditation is a good way to practice mindfulness, she said.

Zampitella added that another good mindfulness practice is yoga, which impacts people’s well-being in a different way than other forms of exercise. Spending time in nature is another option.

When you’re in nature, you’re away from man-made objects — that gives you a sense of getting away,” she said. Also, you have things to hold your attention, like streams or trees or birds, but these things also don’t completely divert your attention, which allows you to think about the loss in your life, Zampitella noted.

Learn how to narrate the story of your loved one’s death

“An important one is to be able to narrate a story of the death, to be able to tell a story of what happened,” Shear said.

This will help you be prepared to talk about it and be ready to answer one of the biggest questions you’ll hear.

“People usually do this very naturally. Their friends and family will say, ‘Oh, what happened?’ and they’ll tell the story, and that’s a part of what you need to do is be able to tell yourself and other people what happened,” she said.

Death is one of the most salient moments in someone’s life, Shear added. Being able to tell the story of your loved one’s passing is a way to honour them and also won’t allow you to block out this important moment.

Reach out to loved ones when you need support

“You’ll notice that often there’s a lot of support, especially in those first three months, but it will wane because things change,” Zampitella said.

When you find that support is dwindling, don’t be afraid to tell your friends and family that you need them.

Additionally, Zampitella noted, if a loved one says something that bothers you — for example, if they say “your loved one is in a better place” and you don’t want to hear that — don’t be afraid to let them know that thought isn’t helpful. At that moment, try sharing the things that would be helpful, whether that’s telling stories about your loved one or just letting you cry.

If you’re really struggling, seek help

Death and grief are some of the most stressful things we experience in life, Shear said.

While coping with grief is possible, some folks will require more support. Zampitella said some signs that you may need additional help include not being able to accept the loss, not engaging in any future goals and not reconfiguring the relationship with the person who died.

Also, if you find that you’re unable to meet your basic needs (like if you aren’t eating, sleeping or bathing), you may want to reach out for professional help. There are grief therapists who can help you feel better.

You can search for one via Psychology Today’s therapist database or Google therapy groups in your area that specialise in grief. “There’s no shame in getting help. There’s help available,” Shear said.

And know that grief is ongoing

“Death is permanent, and so grief is also permanent,” Shear said. “We don’t stop having some response to that loss — in other words, we still feel it.”

As time goes on, your grief will change, she said. In the long run, it usually quiets down and moves into the background, but it’s still there.

You may feel your grief pop up around your loved one’s birthday, around the holidays or when visiting their favourite restaurant. Know that if it’s been years and years since you lost a loved one and you wake up feeling down one day, that is perfectly normal.

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Here’s How To Tell If You’re Over-Applying Your Skincare Products

If you’re overdoing it with your skincare products, you might want to dial things back a notch or two, for the sake of both your budget and your face.

You could be wasting some serious cash by slathering on a product that’s already getting absorbed as much as possible. What’s more, you could be clogging up your pores.

And products like retinoids can have even more serious issues, since applying too much carries the risk of skin irritation.

“I always tell my patients that overusing retinol, either in the amount applied or in the frequency of application, will not bring about anti-aging benefits any faster nor reduce acne quicker,” warns dermatologist and Mount Sinai clinical instructor Dr. Rachel Westbay. “It will only lead to dryness, redness, peeling or burning.”

If a little bit of something is good for your skin, why isn’t more better? According to chemist and science educator Michelle Wong, the “depot effect” comes into play.

“This means that ingredients will absorb into the top layers of your skin and slowly absorb into the lower layers over time. And once the top layers are saturated, any extra won’t add much,” says Wong, the founder of Lab Muffin Beauty Science, a resource explaining the science behind beauty products.

“This doesn’t happen with stronger retinoids, since they’re already very irritating before the saturation point is reached. But with a lot of other products, it means that applying something five times a day isn’t going to bring much more benefit than applying it twice.”

Take it easy with retinoids

If you’re concerned about over-applying retinols in particular, dermatologist Dr. Karyn Grossman offers a helpful visual. “We’re often told to limit application to a ‘pea size,’ but some people have no idea how big or small a pea is. So I tell them to think about the size of a mechanical pencil eraser,” says Grossman, who co-founded the skincare company Raf Five.

“I recommend placing a small dot on the palm, then using the finger to tap this dot and blend tiny amounts on the forehead, cheeks, nose and chin.”

Westbay points out that it’s good to start slowly. “Begin using a retinol product just one or two nights a week at first and work up to greater frequency,” she advises.

The Mount Sinai instructor also notes that acne spot treatments are often over-applied. “Unless the product has been designed specifically to cover an entire area, like a roll-on, it should be applied in a microdot amount, like the tip of a ballpoint pen,” she says.

Advice for moisturisers, toners and serums

Other products, even moisturisers, require careful application as well. “If you use occlusive moisturisers that may clog pores, applying a very thick layer could lead to acne or other issues with occlusion of the skin,” notes dermatologist Dr. Jeremy Fenton.

Toner, which can be drying, should similarly be applied in the correct amount. “I usually advise using enough product to moisten a cotton round that can then be swiped over the desired areas,” says Dr. Courtney Rubin, a dermatologist and co-founder of skincare brand Fig.1. “If you aren’t using a cotton pad, probably a dime- or nickel-sized amount in the palm of the hand can then be pressed into the skin.”

She shouldn't be dropping that directly on her face — find out why.

Artem Varnitsin / EyeEm via Getty Images

She shouldn’t be dropping that directly on her face — find out why.

Joie Tavernise, a medical aesthetician and the founder of company JTAV Clinical Skincare, cautions that a little bit of toner goes a long way. “If you see that the cotton pad is dirty after going over your face once, you can apply more to a second cotton pad. Continue until it looks clean after wiping your face,” she says.

Serums don’t require very much product to be effective, says dermatologist Dr. Nkem Ugonabo, so save your money by applying with a light touch. “I usually tell my patients that a little goes a long way,” she says. “Typically only a couple of drops are needed for the entire face. Also, I recommend applying it with your hands, rather than using the dropper and touching it directly on your face.”

But wait… there’s sunscreen

The one exception to these guidelines is sunscreen, which calls for a heavier application than you probably realise.

“Most people only apply 25 to 50% of the recommended amount of sunscreen,” says dermatologist Dr. Hadley King. “For our body, apply about a shot glass worth, and use a nickel-sized dollop to the face.”

But if you overdo it a bit, that’s totally OK, according to Tavernise. “This is the only product that you can’t use too much of” when protecting your skin from the sun’s damaging rays, “and you should reapply it throughout the day,” she says.

Layer up and pay attention

As long as you’re considering how much to apply, it also makes sense to think about the order of application, experts say. “Start with double-cleansing, then toner, then a treatment product like serum and finally moisturiser that has SPF [sun protection factor] for the day or without SPF at night,” suggests aesthetician Rachel Roff, who is the founder and CEO of the brand Urban Skin Rx.

Another good rule of thumb came from Jennifer Weiss, a physician assistant at dermatology practice Marmur Medical, who says:A skincare routine should always start off with the thinnest to thickest products. To prevent potential irritation, sandwich the retinol with moisturiser before and after application.”

Many experts offered a “your mileage may vary” caveat, suggesting that you pay attention to each product and how your skin responds to it. “With very nourishing products, you might not need too much. And other times it’s important to apply liberally, taking extra time to massage a nourishing blend into the skin,” says aesthetician Tammy Fender. “I like to observe how a product absorbs as I massage it in, giving it time and making sure that the skin is taking in the benefits. Otherwise you risk over-application.”

Being cautious and paying attention can save you money in the long run, experts say. Dermatologist Dr. Kseniya Kobets offers this suggestion: “Of course, companies want you to use up their products faster so you can buy more. But often if you are pumping out eye serum or cream, you can do a half a pump and see if it spreads over both eyes. If there’s extra product that doesn’t absorb after a few minutes, you may be over-applying. And if you notice new bumps, whiteheads or breakouts, reconsider how much you’re using.”

Dermatologist Dr. Michelle Henry agrees. “If you’ve just applied moisturiser and your skin feels very tacky, slimy and somewhat oily, then chances are you’ve used too much,” she says. “Your skin should feel rejuvenated and not weighed down by your skincare products.”

She also suggests adding a dollop of patience to your routine. “On average, our skin need around two to four weeks to show positive or negative reactions to new skincare products,” Henry says. “If you notice new breakouts, irritated skin or dry patches, these may be the signs that you are using too much or even the wrong products.”

Slow and steady wins the skincare race

Make sure to read the label before applying anything. “Only use products that have been clinically tested in the listed amount, and follow the product’s directions,” says facial plastic surgeon Dr. Amir Karam.

“It’s all about finding the right skincare regimen that works best for you and your skin,” Henry says. “Just be patient, listen to your skin and look for specific ingredients that work well on your skin type. Start with one new product and advance slowly.”

If you’re wondering whether all this effort is worth it, the experts HuffPost spoke to were absolutely positive about the long-term rewards of a well-planned, well-applied skincare regime. Dermatologist Dr. Ellen Marmur, who founded the brand MMSkincare, offers this inspiration: “Reward yourself with a ‘virtual’ $50 bonus every time you moisturise your skin. A happy skin barrier will be radiant and younger looking, which is like money in the bank, so you won’t need to spend as much on makeup or laser treatments later on.”

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January Is Notorious For Job Layoffs. Here’s To Manage The Anxiety

January marks the start of a new year and many fresh beginnings – but it also kickstarts a grim month of layoffs.

In the first week of January alone, Amazon, Vimeo and Salesforce disclosed plans for mass layoffs. In a letter to employees, Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff said the company is cutting 10% of its workforce, explaining it had “hired too many people leading into this economic downturn we’re now facing.”

Over the last 10 years, January has been on average one of the most common months for layoffs, according to the US Bureau of Labor Statistics data. The reason is largely calendar-driven, experts say.

“We often see quite a bit of layoffs in January,” says Sarah Rodehorst, co-founder of Onwards HR, a company that helps businesses conduct layoffs.

“As they analyse their data from the last year, what budgets they have going forward, they really are planning strategies for the year, so there’s often a lot of restructures, reorganisations.”

Rodehorst says she is seeing an uptick in layoffs for the tech, retail, banking and insurance industries in the new year. If a company in those fields hasn’t made an announcement, she says, “chances are there is some planning happening.”

Another reason could be that many bonuses are typically awarded in January, too. “That’s a time when you also give bonuses, and so if you are trying to be mindful and not particularly ethical about who gets those and how much they get, some companies may try to take advantage of this” and lay off eligible employees instead of giving them their bonus, says Sandra Sucher, a professor of management at Harvard Business School who has researched layoffs.

If you’re worried about losing your job this month, that can send you into a spiral of panic and deep anxiety. Take a deep breath and plan accordingly. Here’s how to deal if you know or suspect a layoff is coming.

Recognise first that these intense feelings are totally normal

Losing a job is among the most psychologically stressful things we ever go through. One study asked 112 professionals to do a retrospective checklist of their most stressful life events, and losing a job as head of the household ranked above divorce, hospitalisation due to illness or injury and the death of a close friend.

Something that can help alleviate the anxiety? Focusing on what you can control instead of worrying about whether you will be laid off on some uncertain date. The decision to lay you off may have already been made weeks ago, so Gregory Tall, a workshop facilitator who coaches managers, does not recommend “working your tail off” in an attempt to be spared.

If you have heard rumours about layoffs coming, Tall instead advises assuming that you will be laid off and planning for that future. “It’s easier to cease all preparations than to begin all preparations if you don’t,” he points out.

Calculate your finances and document what you want to save now. This is the time to calculate and save for your emergency fund. Tall says to ask yourself, “Am I immediately in trouble? Because if so, I need to think right now about how to generate income.”

And while you have a job, save client testimonials and past performance evaluations that will aid you in a future job hunt. If you believe you may lose your job for discriminatory reasons, legal experts advise documenting everything now so that if you are suddenly let go, you can be prepared to take your evidence to a lawyer.

Reflect on what you’re good at and what you want to be good at. Losing a job can also be a time to reset and do a career pivot. If you do not know what you want to do next, Sucher recommends take a week or two to note which company stories interest you, what industries they are in, and what it is about them that interested you.

And if you have trusted colleagues, try asking them about your strengths. When she was contemplating a career move from Fidelity Investments to the faculty at Harvard Business School, Sucher says she asked trusted co-workers, “What was I good at?” to get insights that were helpful and sometimes surprising.

This exercise can also be a much-needed boost to your confidence.

“If you do get laid off, that is an assault to your ego,” Sucher says, noting that questions of “Why was I chosen when they weren’t?” are painful, regardless of how quickly you find your next job. “The people who do best at recovering from layoffs are people – and this is demonstrated from research – who have a positive mindset and they don’t blame themselves for the fact that they got laid off.“

See it as an opportunity to job-hunt. Although January is a month with heavy layoffs, it’s also a month where you are more likely to get a new job, too. Rodehorst says it’s the month where companies make the most new hires.

“A company that may be having layoffs may also be hiring in other areas,” she says, adding later that, “It’s the month with the highest level of change. The hiring and firing side, just as companies look to restructure their organisation and plan for the future.”

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‘It’s Never Been A Better Time To Be Someone Who Doesn’t Drink’

I first removed alcohol from my life around 2015. I have alcohol use disorder, which is how I came to reckon with my relationship with the substance.

This was at a time in New York when alcohol-free cocktails were starting to be taken more seriously. I’m lucky that my alcohol use disorder doesn’t present in a way that makes me uncomfortable being in spaces where alcohol is also being served. So, serendipitously, I entered into the phase of my life where I was no longer drinking alcohol, right when some changes were happening with alcohol-free options.

Bartenders were pushing against the boundaries that had previously limited “mocktails” to unbalanced, syrupy juices. The imagination of the drinks world was moving beyond the Shirley Temple. For someone who wrote about food and drinks and so whose job required her to, in part, be dining out and picking up on what was going on in bars and restaurants, this was impossible not to notice.

“I appreciate things like Dry January, [but] it’s important to remember that sobriety has likely been painful for those with substance use disorders. They make a hard decision every day to stay sober.”

– Julia Bainbridge

Beverage menu real estate was being given to alcohol-free drinks ― those drinks were being given fun names, just like the cocktails were ― that all showed a level of care and intention. So I got in my car and drove cross country a couple of times; that’s how I did research for my book, Good Drinks. It was so clear that something was happening, and I just wanted to celebrate it. It was certainly happening in New York; I guess I wanted to see if it was happening coast to coast.

I really cast a wide net. I wanted to be on the ground, tasting with people and talking to people. There was just such passion and talent across the board, even in smaller towns that you wouldn’t anticipate. So with the book, I almost struggle with saying I wrote it. It rests on the work of professional bartenders, who were the ones thinking about and developing these beverages, and I’m lucky that they allowed me to capitalise on that newfound energy and take a snapshot of what adult alcohol-free drinking was looking like around the country at that point in time.

Something I saw was bartenders who had come to not drinking themselves, and a light bulb kind of going off the next time they looked at their offerings, deciding that they wanted to better serve people like themselves or their friends who no longer drank alcohol, but still enjoyed the pleasure of a good drink.

I think we almost do these drinks a disservice by comparing them to cocktails. Stop worrying about whether or not it tastes akin to an alcoholic version of the drink and just focus on whether or not it tastes good, you know?

I’m lucky to currently live in New York, where you’re sort of hard-pressed to find a restaurant that’s not being more thoughtful about that. It’s never been a better time to be someone who doesn’t drink.

And when it comes to the drinks themselves, most of the spirits, the non-alcoholic spirits on the market, are not meant to be drunk neat, or without some kind of mixer, even if that mixer is just tonic or soda water. And I think brands have done a good job of showing consumers how to use these products via recipes on their websites, but you have to know to seek out that information. And many people don’t; I wouldn’t if I weren’t, in essence, studying this category. I would encourage people to go to the websites of the products they buy to get some guidance.

So that said, just like consumers need to be educated about how to use these products, so do professional bartenders, and not all of them are taking that on. Someone who is skilled at making classic alcoholic cocktails won’t necessarily be skilled in this realm because the liquids themselves operate differently. It’s not a plug-and-play situation. By which I mean you can’t necessarily substitute two ounces of alcohol-free gin for the gin and a cocktail recipe.

“I’m not anti-alcohol. … It’s pleasurable, and it’s fine for those who can manage it consistently well. But I’m also glad that there’s increasingly more room to talk about the many and nuanced ways in which it’s hard to do that.”

But in these past few years, brands really are showing up strong. I think wine, in particular, is improving as the technology has improved, to allow for gentler dealcoholisation methods. Alcohol-free wines are getting legitimately good. And some even are able to carry through a subtle varietal character. And that’s hard, that’s hard to do. But finally, we just have people actually putting money and effort into this. I think we’re going to see more functional alcohol-free beverages come to the market in the near future.

I think the popularity of Dry January, and certainly that there are all these products on the market, says something. Maybe I’m also reluctant to overstate the alcohol-free trend because what we also know about people’s drinking behaviour, and certainly through Covid, is that there’s still a lot of problematic and unhealthy drinking going on. But in general, I like Dry January. It started as a public health campaign, and I think it’s safe to say it has become a real cultural phenomenon.

In my opinion, it lowers the barrier to entry into examining one’s relationship to alcohol. And we have to remember alcohol is a drug, and it’s a highly addictive one. It’s really not unusual to develop some kind of problem with it, at least for a little while. My point is that most of us have had, at least, a brush with alcohol’s more destructive side. And I think it could be argued that that’s part of the reason that Dry January has become such a welcome pause.

I’m not anti-alcohol. I think it’s inextricably linked with our history. It’s pleasurable, and it’s fine for those who can manage it consistently well. But I’m also glad that there’s increasingly more room to talk about the many and nuanced ways in which it’s hard to do that. And by that I mean, like, consume it in a healthy way on a regular basis. I think it really does help open the door to that conversation a little further.

I guess I’ll get on my soapbox a little. I do think we should be careful not to lump together the sober curious and those in recovery. I think one day, hopefully, the distinction won’t matter, and the paradigm will shift to the point that this just isn’t a thing. Drink, don’t drink, whatever. We don’t need a label. We don’t need a dedicated dry month.

But while I very much appreciate that some people are choosing a sober lifestyle, and as I said, I appreciate things like Dry January, it’s important to remember that sobriety has likely been painful for those with substance use disorders. They make a hard decision every day to stay sober. And to do that, they usually have to engage in multiple forms of treatment. I think we do have to acknowledge that sobriety has been hard-won for many people.

Julia Bainbridge is a James Beard Award-nominated writer and editor who has worked at and written for a variety of publications, including Condé Nast Traveler, Bon Appétit, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and The Washington Post. In 2020, her book Good Drinks: Alcohol-Free Recipes for When You’re Not Drinking for Whatever Reason was named one of the best cookbooks of 2020 by the LA Times, Wires and Esquires magazines. She is currently pursuing a master’s degree in social work at Columbia University.

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‘I’m 26. I’ve Never Found Love And I Don’t Think I Ever Will’

You’re reading Love Stuck, where trained therapists answer your dating, sex and relationship dilemmas. You can submit a question here.

By the time we reach our mid-twenties, it can feel like most people have been in a few relationships – but what if this isn’t your reality? You want love but you’re ashamed to admit it hasn’t quite happened yet. You ask yourself if something is wrong with you, and more urgently, if you’ll ever find love.

This is the case for this week’s reader, Patricia. “I’m 26 years old, and I’ve never had a boyfriend,” she writes. “This wouldn’t be a problem in itself, but ever since I moved to a new country/became independent, I feel more pressured to find a significant other.”

This pressure, she says, comes not just from her family but from casual acquaintances, even strangers, who throw out comments such as “you’re such a nice girl, how come you’re single’? or “we weren’t made to be alone”.

“This paired with the fact that I only managed to have flings so far, which never developed into serious/meaningful relationships,” Patricia says. The story goes more or less like this: I meet someone, we spend time together getting to know each other, and after a couple of weeks they say they’re not ready for a serious relationship.”

These experiences have left Patricia questioning if there’s something wrong with her and if she’s worthy of a relationship. “I know that romantic love is an experience that many humans never have and that it is still possible to live a fulfilling life in spite of that, so I have been trying to accept that it might never happen to me,” she says. “However, I must admit that sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on something major that seems to be natural to most people.”

Counselling Directory member Laila Fish shares her advice for Patricia.

Why can there be so much pressure to get into a relationship and how can you release herself from this pressure?

There are a range of pressures on people to embark on relationships, says Fish, including family and societal expectations.

“Family members may have good intentions, they may have experienced this pressure themselves, and would like to see you in a relationship as maybe they are worried about you moving to a new country – despite how frustrating this sounds for you!” she says.

The next time a family member or friend asks Patricia about relationships, Fish wants her to pay attention to herself – “does it make you feel sad or frustrated – this can often tell us a lot” – and take a deep breath before responding. Meanwhile, to release herself from societal pressures, Fish says it’s helpful to avoid comparing herself to other people her age.

“Embrace your independence. It sounds like you are doing amazingly and enjoy all the opportunities ahead of you,” she advises Patricia. “Knowing what you want allows you to tune out society’s messages that don’t reflect your desires currently.

“It can be tough seeing everyone you know meeting someone romantically, but that doesn’t mean it is something that you necessarily want and that’s OK.”

How can you hold on to hope you’ll find someone special?

“Patricia sounds confident and independent and needs to believe in herself that when the time is right she will find the right person, and until then to enjoy meeting new people,” Fish says.

“Patricia says that the people she meets only last a short while. I would advise reframing this perspective into thinking how interesting and great an opportunity to meet new people is. Then, if one day a relationship happens, it does.”

Fish recommends she focuses on herself first and works on her self-esteem.

“Don’t be afraid of feeling like you are missing out on something – that something is ‘you’ and independence right now is your best friend. Also, be kind to yourself and challenge your negative beliefs that you may not be worthy.”

What practical tips would you give this reader to get into a relationship?

Expanding your interests and social activities can provide opportunities to meet different people, Fish says, but it’s important to start with what you want to do.

“Spending time thinking about your likes and dislikes as well as your goals can enable you to be clearer about who you are,” she explains. “Discovering other goals to focus on such as your professional life, your health, alongside meeting someone, can help you feel more confident and empowered if/when you do.”

She suggests Patricia ‘dates herself’ to get to know herself. “Go for a walk in the park, journal about your values and aims in life, go to that museum and see that film – this will all help towards you developing your self-esteem and consequently feeling worthy.”

In the end: “Focusing on finding happiness in your own life will pay dividends to avoid any relationship escalator your family or society is rushing you towards.”

Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.

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8 ‘Gross’ Things Your Body Does That Are Actually Good For You

Have you ever wondered why you have earwax or why you fart? Although these bodily functions might seem gross, they are actually beneficial to maintaining your overall health. So even though they may be stinky, unsightly or a huge nuisance – you need them for optimal functioning.

To provide more insight on the most common disgust-inducing body mechanisms, we chatted with a few doctors on what you might notice and why they happen. Here’s what to know:

1. Earwax

If you’ve noticed a clogged feeling in your ears, then it may be due to a buildup of earwax, also known as cerumen. However, when it’s not causing damage and discomfort, earwax is actually good for you.

“Not only is earwax normal, it’s necessary. Earwax protects the ears from things that could hurt the eardrum, such as dust, hair or small insects,” says Dr. Jaclyn Railsback, an internal medicine physician at Cleveland Clinic Florida Weston Hospital.

Certain factors that may affect the amount of earwax you have include previous ear surgery or trauma, recurrent ear infections, or wearing hearing aids or deep earplugs.

“Unless there is a serious condition, such as hearing loss or infection, it is best to leave earwax alone in most cases,” Railsback says.

2. Leaky nipples

Not everyone has leaky nipples, however, those who just had a baby will likely experience this phenomenon.

“Your body would rather produce too much milk than not enough in the early stages of breastfeeding,” says Dr. Whitney Casares, the founder and CEO of the Modern Mamas Club. “All that extra milk can get messy as your body works out the balance of supply and demand between you and your baby and you may end up with leaky nipples and a wet shirt.”

Leaky nipples are a normal part of the breastfeeding process and are a clear sign of heavy milk production for nursing people. That said, if other discharge leaks from the nipples, or if there’s pain, you’ll want to consult with your doctor to rule out any underlying conditions.

3. Flatulence

While passing gas may be embarrassing and gross, it’s a natural result of the digestive process.

“It is a way for your body to expel both swallowed air as well as the fermented byproducts of undigested food,” says Dr. Brett Mendel, a gastroenterologist and Everlywell adviser.

The volume and frequency of flatulence can vary greatly between individuals and can be affected by diet, activity level, antibiotic use and even altitude.

Additionally, farting may indicate that your diet is high in fibre which can signal improved gut health and that of the microbiome. Plus, it can help prevent unwanted stomach pain and bloating which is commonly caused by “holding it in”.

While farting is normal, too much may not be a good thing. “Excess gas leading to bloating and abdominal pain can be signs of serious medical conditions you should share with your doctor,” Mendel says.

According to Healthline, excessive flatulence is categorised as farting more than 20 times per day. While this is frequently caused by diets high in fibre, in some rare cases it can be indicative of other issues such as Crohn’s disease or dumping syndrome.

4. Burps

You’ve probably been told not to belch at the dinner table, but sometimes you just have to let it out for your health.

“Burping is the body’s way of expelling excess gas from your stomach and even though it seems gross, it is a normal bodily function,” Railsback says. “When we swallow food or drinks, it goes through the esophagus and into the stomach where stomach acids and digestive enzymes work to break food down into nutrients that we use for energy which creates gas during the process.”

If you always hold in your burps because you’re embarrassed or they are just not something you like to do, then you might experience bloating and an overinflation of the stomach that may cause discomfort.

While burping a few times isn’t a cause for concern, if it persists, then you might want to take a trip to the doctor’s office. “While burping is a normal function, it can be associated with certain conditions like GERD, indigestion, gastritis, ulcers and IBS,” Railsback says.

5. Vaginal discharge

While using the restroom, you might notice some discharge when you wipe. Although this clear jelly-like substance might seem gross, it’s actually a sign of a healthy reproductive system.

Vaginal discharge is a way your body carries away dead cells and bacteria, keeping the vagina clean and preventing infection,” Casares said.

While discharge is normal, Casares noted that if your discharge has a fishy odor, causes itching or changes color, you’ll want to get checked out by a medical professional to rule out any underlying conditions or infections.

6. Mucus

After blowing your nose, you’ll most likely see mucus in a tissue. Mucus is naturally produced by the cells in your mouth, throat, nose and sinuses.

“Mucus plays an important role in lubricating and protecting your upper and lower airway,” Railsback says. “Its slippery consistency helps trap potential irritants as it contains special antibodies and proteins to help fight harmful germs that may be introduced into your respiratory tract.”

Railsback noted that healthy mucus tends to be thin and clear, but if you’re sick or have other lung disease, mucus can become thick, colourful and can potentially cause difficulty breathing.

7. Pooing

As the popular saying goes, “everybody poops.” While it may not smell pleasant, “bowel movements are the mechanism for our body to get rid of materials that cannot be digested,” Mendel says. “It is generally accepted that normal bowel movements are from three times a day to three times a week.”

According to the Bristol Stool Chart, a “sausage-like” poop with cracks or a “smooth soft sausage or snake-like” type of poop is ideal (Types 3 and 4). Anything that falls too far out from the descriptions above should be flagged to a professional for evaluation.

While pooping is healthy, alterations in bowel movements can be an indicator of overall health. For example, if you have chronic constipation, diarrhea, or blood in your stool, you’ll want to schedule an appointment with your physician.

8. Pus

When you get an infection, like a staphylococcus (a bacterial infection) or folliculitis (infection of a hair follicle), you might notice that pus develops. While it may be an eyesore to look at, pus is actually a good thing.

“The white stuff coming out of an infection ― known as pus ― is the collection of defensive white blood cells that are attacking bacteria to trap and kill them,” said Dr. William Li, a doctor and author of Eat To Beat Disease.

It’s usually normal to have some pus present shortly following the presence of a wound – around one or two days after. This means that the white blood cells have flocked to the open wound and are working to fight germs and bacteria. If the wound is healing, it’ll usually be odour-free and not show signs of discolouration.

When you get an infection, however, the pus may smell and the wound may be hot to the touch so you’ll want to be sure to head to the doctor to get it treated and prescribed medication to clear it as soon as possible.

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