“The way she says MFer scratches my brain just right,” one user wrote on TikTok referencing a lyric in Sabrina Carpenter’s song “Please Please Please.” “… something in this performance scratches my brain so well …” one person tweeted about a performance from the TV show “Glee.”
This slang phrase has been all over social media lately. From songs to visual performances to simple sounds, many things are “scratching” people’s brains.
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Despite the widespread understanding of what it means, thanks to context clues, the phrase isn’t quite clear. How can something scratch your brain? What does that feel like?
“The phrase ‘scratches your brain’ is often used to describe a sensation that deeply engages your mind, yields a strong emotional response, or provides a sense of relief or satisfaction like an itch,” said Janet Bayramyan, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist.
Think of the near-euphoric feeling that comes with scratching an itch, but remember it’s mental rather than physical.
The curiosity and wonder that can lead up to that scratching sensation can also be “brain scratchers.” They can signal someone “is attempting to try to figure something out or to try to think hard about something that may be difficult or troubling to understand,” added Hallie Kritsas, a licensed mental health counsellor with Thriveworks in Jacksonville, Florida. Basically, a thought or situation that’s puzzling, provides uncertainty or is confusing, she explained, will do the trick.
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What Leads To A ‘Brain Scratch’?
While it’s a fun phrase, it’s not just that, either. Here’s what can trigger the phenomenon, according to therapists:
Something intellectually stimulating.
In other words, a challenge “that captivates your attention and makes you think deeply,” Bayramyan said, listing puzzles and complex ideas as a couple of examples.
That’s what Kritsas believes is the biggest contributor, too. “The cause of ‘brain scratching’ might be something that is puzzling, new or something that our brain cannot automatically come up with an answer to,” she said. If it’s easy or routine, it’s probably not scratching (or engaging) your brain.
A sensory pleasure.
Sounds, textures — all types of sensory input that feel satisfying or pleasurable count, according to Bayramyan. “These can be sensations associated with ASMR,” she added. Think anything from “clicky” keyboards to fidget toys.
Feeling emotionally moved.
Have you ever listened to a song or looked at a piece of art that resonated with your emotions and made you feel “some type of way”? This is another “brain scratcher,” Bayramyan said.
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Kritsas agreed that songs, sounds, visual arts and other forms of media can bring about an emotional reaction or memory that feels like a brain scratch or sense of peace. “It can also remind us of something happy or provide ‘relief’ if it is something we’ve been thinking about,” she said.
Solving a problem or curiosity.
There’s almost nothing worse than having a word on the tip of your tongue or a question you can’t quite answer. So, “finding an answer to a question that has been puzzling you can provide a sense of relief similar to scratching an itch,” Bayramyan said.
MoMo Productions via Getty Images
Music is a big brain scratcher.
The Benefits of Having Your ‘Brain Scratched’
Let’s just say it’s a good thing that “brain scratchers” are everywhere, as they “can definitely have benefits,” according to Kritsas. That goes for both the emotional and cognitive parts of your mental health.
According to Bayramyan, benefits include:
Reducing stress and promoting relaxation.
Elevating mood, leading to feelings of happiness and contentment.
Sparking new ideas and fostering innovative thinking.
Providing opportunities for shared enjoyment and bonding with others, which strengthens social connections.
Promoting neuroplasticity, or the brain’s ability to form new neural connections, which is essential for long-term cognitive health.
Kritsas added that it can also:
Stimulate our brain.
Allow us to challenge ourselves to learn a new skill, solve a puzzle or think about something more in depth.
Minimise levels of stress, especially when there’s a resolution of sorts.
So go all in with these “brain scratching” experiences. This is your excuse to listen to “Heartbreak is one thing, my ego’s another …” from Sabrina Carpenter’s “Please Please Please” on repeat — not that you needed it.
No two parents are the same, meaning that no two parenting styles are the same but, according to one psychologist, there is one universal thing that all children want, no matter their age or your approach to parenting.
Dr Becky, a psychologist at Good Inside, shared on her TikTok channel that she believes parents often make the mistake of trying to find solutions for their children when the children don’t necessarily need solutions — they just need to be heard.
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She said: “Your child is looking for your support, not your solutions.”
How to be a better listener for your child
Dr Becky explained: “This is true at every age. Let’s say you have a toddler and they can’t figure out a puzzle and they’re frustrated.
“They’re looking for you to say ‘this is a hard puzzle!’, not, ‘I’ll do that piece for you.’”
The psychologist added that even with older kids who are learning how to read, they’re looking for empathy. She recommended parents tell their own experience of learning to read and said validating their feelings that reading is tricky is better than doing it for them.
Dr Becky summarised saying: “Our kids, like us, are looking for our support. Not our solutions. When they have our support, guess what? They’re really good at coming up with solutions on their own.”
According to the UK’s leading youth mental health charity, YoungMinds, your body language when actively listening matters, too. The experts advised: “Give your child time to speak while you are fully focused. Try to relax your facial expression and body position.
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“Put yourself at the same height or lower than them. Nod or make a sound to show you have heard and make eye contact (but don’t insist that they do).”
When you put it that way, it is actually quite simple.
Parenting truth: Our kids’ feelings need support, not solutions. Try this: Next time your child is having a hard time, say, “I hear you”, “That stinks” or “I’m so glad you’re sharing that with me” instead of allowing your fixing / advice / solution voice to take over. I think you’ll be amazed by what happens next.
Being a ‘people pleaser’ sounds like a good thing on the surface, right? You please people?
However, as the British composer Elizabeth Parker once said: “The only thing wrong with trying to please everyone is that there’s always at least one person who will remain unhappy. You.”
This couldn’t be more true in the workplace. While working hard and helping your colleagues can feel good and progress your career, you may soon find yourself burnt out and bitter.
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Careers expert and founder of Social Media Jobs, Rob Phelps, spoke with us to explain why people pleasing in the workplace can be harmful, and how to break the cycle.
The dangers of people pleasing in the workplace
It’s a recipe for burnout
While it may just feel like doing ‘small’ things to help others, Phelps warns that saying yes to everything, taking on extra work on top of your own to-do list and prioritising other people’s needs over your own can lead to ‘serious burnout’.
Phelps said: “The constant state of busyness can take over and make it difficult to focus on your core responsibilities, and potentially mean mistakes or missed deadlines, for the sake of helping too many people with their own deadlines.”
It can make you almost invisible
If you spend a lot of your time making sure that you’re helping other people, it’s likely that your own voice and needs will get lost.
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Phelps said: “People pleasers often shy away from advocating for themselves or putting forward their ideas, so it can be difficult to get noticed for your contributions and ideas.”
He also warned that this lack of visibility can reduce your chances of getting a promotion or being put forward for new challenges or projects.
It can weaken boundaries
Phelps warned: “People pleasing often means weakening your boundaries, both professionally and personally.
“Your time, expertise, and energy are valuable, and constantly giving them away for free can lead to frustration and resentment, and this can start to bleed into your personal life too.”
He said that you may find yourself checking work emails while on holiday, or saying yes to taking on more tasks when you’re actually off sick, or even accepting friend requests from colleagues on private social media accounts — all of which are ignoring your own boundaries and comfort levels.
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How to break free from people-pleasing
Understand why you do it
Phelps said: “The first step is understanding why you feel the need to please everyone around you.
“Is it a fear of disapproval? A lack of clarity on your own goals that makes you take on extra work to avoid having time to work out what you really want?”
He added that talking to somebody you admire at work or even friends and family can help you to get to the root of the underlying cause and address the patterns and start saying no.
Know your own worth
Recognise your skills and contributions! You deserve to be valued for what you bring to the table, and when you feel invisible it can have a serious impact on your confidence in your abilities.
Phelps advised: “Take time to reflect on your accomplishments and successes, to boost your confidence and help you advocate for yourself more effectively.”
Set and keep boundaries
Phelps said: “Setting boundaries isn’t just about saying no to others, it’s about saying yes to yourself. When you prioritise your own growth and wellbeing, you become a more efficient and fulfilled member of the team.”
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To do this, you need to learn to politely say no to taking on tasks that aren’t part of your job, explain that you’re prioritising your own workload and offer alternatives solutions if possible.
Phelps added: “You might be surprised at how understanding people are when you stick to your boundaries rather than saying yes to everything.”
Advocate for yourself
Sometimes you have to remind people of everything you do if they’re not paying attention. Don’t be afraid to share your ideas and opinions, even if they’re different from what everyone else is saying. Your perspective is valuable and deserves to be heard.
Be patient with yourself
Finally, Phelps urged, you need to be patient with yourself.
He said: “Remember that change is a gradual process, and after years of saying yes, it can feel strange to start saying no. Be patient with yourself and celebrate progress.
“By putting yourself first, you’ll be able to achieve a healthier work-life balance, and ultimately have a more fulfilling and successful career, rather than letting your desire to keep everyone else happy hold you back.”
FOMO, or the fear of missing out, is a common feeling, especially in a social-media obsessed world where every activity is documented. It involves the perception or belief that others may be doing better, more exciting things while you’re left out.
Though experiencing FOMO is totally normal and valid, it can also negatively affect your self-esteem, self-worth and happiness. Speaking to HuffPost, therapists who frequently deal with FOMO described how they handle it in their own lives, and offered advice for others who struggle with the feeling:
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1. They shift their mindset
Sometimes you need to adjust your mindset when thinking about FOMO, according to Erica Basso, a licensed psychotherapist and the founder of Erica Basso Therapy. Instead of focusing on an experience you lost out on, consider what you may have gained in that same time period.
“I once heard someone say ‘JOMO’ –– the joy of missing out –– and that really stuck with me,” Basso said, noting that she often used to dwell on “what I was missing out on, how my life was lacking, and not feeling great about it.”
“But when I reframed it as ‘well, what’s the joy in missing out on this?’ it really enlightened what I could focus on that was positive,” she said.
For example, if you missed a party and stayed in, think about how you may have indulged in self-care or the relaxation that your body and mind desperately needed.
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2. They take some deep breaths when FOMO feels overwhelming
Taking a deep breath when experiencing FOMO may cultivate a sense of calmness.
“FOMO often triggers the body’s stress response, activating the sympathetic nervous system, also known as the fight-or-flight response,” said Israa Nasir, a therapist and the founder of Well.Guide. “Focused breathing techniques, such as deep diaphragmatic breathing or box breathing, can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the body’s relaxation response.”
Nasir recommended this box-breathing exercise: Find a quiet space, close your eyes, then inhale for four seconds, hold your breath for another four seconds, and exhale slowly for another four seconds to complete a “box,” or cycle. Nasir said she engages in these breathing cycles for around 90 seconds to feel at ease.
3. They set boundaries
When thinking about FOMO, remind yourself that you don’t have to attend every event or engage in every activity you were invited to.
Emma Giordano, a therapist at Empower Your Mind Therapy, makes sure to check-in with herself and prioritize her boundaries. It’s unrealistic to expect to do everything you want to, she said.
For instance, if you feel like you have to work instead of going out with friends, focus on how you take care of your responsibilities first by setting that as a boundary, since work is important to you.
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In practice, this could mean politely declining invitations to be more intentional with your time, said Nekeshia Hammond, a psychologist, author and speaker.
If scrolling on social media triggers your FOMO, try putting boundaries on your screen time. You might set a stopwatch when you open an app or log in online, capping these activities to a few minutes per day.
4. They allow themselves to feel their FOMO
In a society that is always on the go, sometimes it may be beneficial to just sit with your FOMO, said Basso. Confronting your anxious thoughts might be uncomfortable, but it can also give you a sense of agency and awareness in exploring why you’re feeling this way.
“Being aware of your emotions and thought patterns may enable you to recognize when FOMO arises,” Hammond said, adding that this “empowers me to respond with clarity and intentionality, rather than being swept away by fleeting desires or external pressures.”
5. They practice gratitude
Practicing gratitude while experiencing FOMO is one way to combat the feeling. Nasir said she creates a daily gratitude practice to shift her focus from what she’s missing out on to what she’s grateful for in the present moment.
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“Whether it’s through journaling, meditation or simply taking a few moments to reflect, acknowledging the positives in your life can help counteract feelings of FOMO and foster a greater sense of contentment and fulfillment,” she said.
Four years since the COVID-19 pandemic forced businesses to shut down office spaces around the world, remote and hybrid work seems here to stay.
About a third of US workers who can work from home now do so all the time, according to a Pew Research Center survey from March 2023. (The majority of U.S. workers – 61% – do not have jobs that can be done from home, Pew notes.)
Companies that insist on mandatory full-time attendance at the office do so at their own peril; today’s employees value the autonomy that comes with remote or hybrid work and are increasingly leaving workplaces that forget they have lives outside their 9-to-5.
In March 2022, Microsoft’s second annual Worker Trend Index found that 53% of respondents prioritise their health and well-being over work, “and if unhappy, more than half of Gen Z and millennial respondents said [they’d] seriously consider switching employers over the next year.”
Of course, working from home is not without its drawbacks. Many working women say they feel greater conflicts between their job and family roles while teleworking, and studies have shown increased rates of depression and anxiety during remote work. (Though it’s worth noting, most of the research was conducted while respondents were living through an active pandemic ― stressful in its own right.)
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Still, with increased social support and systems put in place by managers and organisations trained in managing hybrid teams, research also suggests there’s plenty of benefits to working from home. Below, 10 studies and surveys that quantify just how game-changing remote work can be for employees and companies.
Remote workers experience a better work-life balance
Prior to the remote work era, a healthy work-life balance often felt like a pie-in-the-sky goal for workers: nice to idly dream about but never quite attainable. Now, it’s more in reach: Among hybrid workers who are not self-employed, 71% say working for home at least partially helps them balance their work and personal lives, according to the Pew Research survey.
They don’t feel micromanaged, either, despite being out of the office and outside the eyeline of their bosses. The same Pew survey found that employees who work from home at least some of the time (71%) say their manager or supervisor trusts them a “great deal” to get their work done when they’re out of the office.
Working remotely can halve an office worker’s carbon footprint
Hybrid work arrangements help some, too. Working remotely two or four days a week reduced an individual’s emissions by up to 29% compared with office workers.
Working remotely two or four days a week reduced an individual’s emissions by up to 29% compared with office workers.
Remote workers tend to eat more healthy ― up to a point
Research on remote work can be a little contradictory – is it good for your mental health or does it lead to depression? – so in December 2023, British researchers set out to interpret over 1,930 academic papers on teleworking and hybrid work arrangements.
The study, funded in part by the British National Institute for Health and Care Excellence, pointed out some negatives, too. One of the studies reviewed found that 46.9% of employees working from home had put on weight. Another study put that number around 41%. Remote workers also tended to drink and smoke more.
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A downside for workers: Remote employees work longer hours
Though working from home is often equated with laziness and low productivity, the aforementioned British study found that remote workers tend to work longer hours and that their work is more likely to bleed into evenings and weekends. Regrettably, they’re also less likely to take sick time.
Another study – this one tracking more than 60,000 Microsoft employees over the first half of 2020 – found that remote work led to a 10% boost in weekly hours.
One drawback was less collaboration. The Microsoft study, published in the journal Nature Human Behaviour, found that cross-group collaboration dropped by about 25% of the pre-pandemic level.
Less commuting time means more time for work
Remote employees are working more because they’re spending less time stuck in traffic. One 2023 University of Chicago study looked at data from 27 countries and found that remote workers saved 72 minutes in daily commuting time. On average, employees spent about half an hour of that extra time engaged in daily work, which comes out to more than two hours a week.
Since the pandemic, some social scientists have highlighted the downside to eliminating the daily commute: In one 2022 study published in the Organisational Psychology Review, researchers argued that commutes are a source of healthy “liminal space” – a time free of constraints from work and home that gives people a chance to recover from the workday and mentally prepare for reentering the home.
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“Without the ability to mentally shift gears, people experience role blurring, which can lead to stress,” the study’s co-authors wrote in The Conversation. “Without mentally disengaging from work, people can experience burnout.”
Remote or hybrid work options may help with employee retention.
Worried about losing your employees to more enticing offers? Give them the chance to work from home. In 2019, video conferencing company Owl Labs surveyed 1,200 U.S. workers between the ages of 22 and 65 and found that remote workers were 13% more likely to stay in their current job for the next five years than on-site workers.
When asked if the opportunity to work remotely would make them happier, 83% of the survey respondents agreed, while 80% agreed that working remotely would make them feel like their employer cares.
People of colour say they’re able to manage stress better working from home
More Black professionals want flexible work policies than their white, Asian and Latino colleagues, according to a 2021 study conducted by The Future Forum, a research consortium organised by Slack.
Black workers reported a 50% increase in their sense of workplace belonging and a 64% increase in their ability to manage stress when they began working from home.
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In the wake of the pandemic and office closures, many Black Americans spoke of how draining microaggressions in their office environments can be.
“Most of my interactions with my co-workers are very focused on the work that we’re doing, and for me, I appreciate that,” Christina, a Black software engineer, told HuffPost in 2021 after switching to remote work. “Sometimes hearing your co-worker’s opinions on current events are not really the most inclusive opinion. It’s nice that I don’t have to delve into that with them.“
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Black workers reported a 50% increase in their sense of workplace belonging and a 64% increase in their ability to manage stress when they began working from home.
Mothers and caregivers report higher rates of well-being with hybrid work
A March 2023 study out of the University of Melbourne found that women – especially mothers and caregivers – reported improved well-being when they’re given the option to work from home. The researchers posited that such flexibility helps women balance paid employment with unpaid caregiving and household duties, which women disproportionately bear the brunt of.
Remote work has been a benefit for people with disabilities, too
Workers with disabilities appreciate the option to work from home because it reduces transportation and accessibility challenges they face going into the office every day. It also allows them to better manage chronic health conditions.
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“Before COVID-19, work from home was generally not popular, and disabled people had to try hard to get these accommodations,” Meenakshi Das, a software engineer focused on accessibility, told HuffPost in 2021. “It took a pandemic for people to realise how accommodations are low-cost and totally doable, and I hope it stays that way.”
There’s benefits for employers, too. Almost two-thirds of disabled employees believe they were more productive when working from home than at an office or external workplace, according to a 2023 study out of the University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia.
Dejan Marjanovic via Getty Images
Workers with disabilities appreciate working from home options because it reduces transportation and accessibility challenges they face going into the office.
Employees with flexible schedules tend to have better mental health
Employees at workplaces that prioritize flexibility and higher job security are less likely to experience serious psychological distress or anxiety,according to a March 2024 study published in JAMA Network Open. The study, which polled more than 18,000 U.S. workers, defined “job flexibility” as the ability to adjust their own work schedule to meet personal demands.
Workers with flexible schedules were 13% less likely to experience daily anxiety, 11% less likely to experience weekly anxiety and 9% less likely to experience anxiety several times a year. The researchers also found that increased flexibility and job security led to reduced absenteeism ― a win for everyone involved.
Do you ever find yourself putting off going to bed? It’s so strange, we complain about how tired we are all day, how much we’d love just a couple more hours in bed but when the time actually comes, suddenly there’s another episode we need to watch, another chapter to read, just one more scroll of social media.
We’re our own worst enemies.
According to Max Kirsten, Resident Sleep Expert for Panda London, this is actually something called ‘bedtime procrastination’ or ‘bedtime delay’ and it is the act of unnecessarily delaying going to bed despite having the intention to sleep.
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What is bedtime procrastination and how do we overcome it?
According to Kirsten, there are several factors that contribute to bedtime procrastination:
Psychological factors
Kirsten warns that stress, anxiety, and mood disorders can contribute to bedtime procrastination. Even just the thought of facing another day, unresolved issues at work or home, can make bedtime seem daunting, prompting sleep delaying as a temporary distraction.
Poor time management
If you’re prone to procrastination throughout the day, that is likely to seep into your evening, warns Kirsten. This can lead to people postponing bedtime in favour of completing tasks or indulging in leisure activities.
Spending too much time with screens and technology
The convenience of phones and tablets means that it’s easier than ever to engage in stimulating activities late into the night. The blue light emitted from these screens can interfere with our sleep-wake cycle, making it harder to fall asleep, even once the devices have been put away.
How bedtime procrastination impacts our sleep
Disrupts the circadian rhythm
Kirsten warns that consistently delaying bedtime can disrupt the body’s internal clock, making it harder to fall asleep and wake up at the same time each day. This inconsistency can then lead to sleep disturbances and contribute to insomnia and sleep deprivation.
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Poor sleep quality
Even if you do fall asleep after procrastinating, the quality of your sleep may be compromised. According to Kirsten, sleep that is fragmented or interrupted by frequent awakenings is less restorative and can leave individuals feeling groggy and unrefreshed upon waking.
Impact moods and mental health
Sleeping poorly can impact your mental health and emotional well-being, leading to irritability, mood swings, difficulty concentrating and heightened stress levels. Kirsten urges that over time, chronic sleep deprivation may contribute to the development or exacerbation of anxiety and depression.
How to stop procrastinating before bed
Make sure you have a consistent routine
Kirsten recommends that you establish a regular bedtime and wake-up time and ensure that you stick to it even on weekends as consistency helps to regulate the body’s internal clock and promotes better sleep quality.
Create a relaxing bedtime routine
Developing a calming bedtime routine signals to your body that it’s time to wind down. Kirsten recommends reading, taking a warm bath or trying some relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or meditation.
Limit screen time before bed
Avoid using electric devices for at least an hour before bed, as the blue light emitted from them can interfere with melatonin production and disrupt sleep.
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Address any underlying issues
If you feel that stress, anxiety, or mood disorders are the underlying cause of your procrastination, seek support from a mental health professional.
Help and support:
Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.
According to Psychology Today, 85% of people worldwide report having low levels of self-esteem.
Self-esteem relates to how we think and feel about ourselves and how much value we believe we have as individuals, according to NHS Inform. This means that if your self-esteem is low, you’re more likely to focus on your setbacks than your successes. Additionally, people with low self-esteem often ignore their own achievements and positive things about themselves and tend to be needlessly self-critical.
When we’re experiencing these confidence dips, it’s likely that we’ll look for validation of who we are in other people — a behaviour known as ‘seeking external validation’, according to Psych Central.
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If this all sounds familiar to you, advice from licensed therapists Nick Tangeman and Dr. Jim from podcast ‘Pod Therapy’ might be exactly what you need.
How to overcome low self-esteem
Back in April this year, the therapists took to social media platform Reddit saying, “We are Therapists hosting a R-Rated podcast called “Pod Therapy”, Ask Us Anything for Mental Health Awareness Month!”
One user, So1337, asked”, “It took me a long time to realise that I was constantly seeking my esteem and sense of self-worth from others. What are some things I can do to 1) look inward for my own worth and 2) stop seeking validation so much?”
The therapists responded to the commenter saying, “First, it’s not inherently bad to get a sense of ourselves from the perspectives of others. Humans are social animals, we value community and its normal for us to want to please others and desire their approval.
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“However, as you’ve realised, this often becomes toxic to us. Maybe the people we look to for approval will never give it, can’t give it, or have a myopic view of reality and we shouldn’t trust their judgement of us in the first place. Maybe people around us see our conspicuous flaws and fail to be curious or interested in who we really are. Or maybe we are just surrounded by assholes.”
The therapists then recommended taking the following steps:
Reflect on who you are as a person
The therapists unsurprisingly recommended looking inwards as the first step saying, “Get a list of personality description words from the internet. Look through that list and circle as many positive qualities about yourself as you can find which you relate to. Then reflect on each of the words you circled, recalling memories and experiences you’ve had which you feel exemplify that word.
“Make it a ritual in your life to review your day, your week, your month and your year through the lens of what your personal goals for yourself were, where you’ve grown as a person, and what you are proud of.”
They said this is important because, “part of how we let go of the voices of others is to consciously hear our own voice, so we have to make this a practice in your life.”
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Be direct about your needs
The therapists pointed out that when we’re looking for external validation, we’re often doing so passively and laying expectations without actually indicating what we need. They said, “While it’s natural to seek validation from others, we often do so in a passive way that is unsatisfying. We are *hoping* somebody will thank us, compliment us or affirm us.
“We post online that we are sad or feeling down to fish for some positive feedback (which isn’t wrong to do). But a better way is to approach a few quality people in your life from time to time and tell them that you need a reminder of what they like about you, or admire in you, and ask if that is something they can take a moment to give you.
″I like being direct and honest about what we need from others because it gives them an opportunity to think about it and get closer to providing what we need.”
The sad news of Matthew Perry’s death has sent a shockwave around the world. The actor, who fought addiction his entire life, made it his life’s work to help others struggling with substance abuse.
Perry was predominantly known for his role as Chandler Bing in the hit sit-com series Friends, a role that saw him nominated for countless awards and winner of the Golden Derby Award for Drama Guest Actor in 2012, the Huading Award for Best Global Actor in a Television Series in 2013, the TV Guide Award’s Editor’s Choice in 2000.
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However, his activism and determination to bring a deeper, more nuanced understanding of what addiction is, how it impacts people and why it affects some people more than others is his lasting legacy.
Talking with The New York Times in 2022, Perry discussed his addiction in detail, which began at just 14 years old with Budweiser and Andrès Baby Duck wine. Later, this addiction grew to include vodka, Vicodin, Xanax and OxyContin (to name a few):
“I would fake back injuries. I would fake migraine headaches. I had eight doctors going at the same time,” Perry told The New York Times.
“I would wake up and have to get 55 Vicodin that day, and figure out how to do it. When you’re a drug addict, it’s all math. I go to this place, and I need to take three. And then I go to this place, and I’m going to take five because I’m going to be there longer. It’s exhausting but you have to do it or you get very, very sick. I wasn’t doing it to feel high or to feel good. I certainly wasn’t a partyer; I just wanted to sit on my couch, take five Vicodin and watch a movie. That was heaven for me. It no longer is.”
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In several interviews following the release of his memoir, Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing,Perry approximated that he had spent around $9 million trying to get and stay clean. He attended six thousand AA meetings, 30 years of therapy, 15 years at rehab clinics, and an estimated 65 detoxes throughout his life. His determination and empathy for those suffering from addiction led him to speak out against addiction misinformation and disinformation.
On an episode of BBC News Night in December 2013, Perry called out journalist Peter Hitchins who was in opposition to the use of drug courts, known as substance misuse courts in the UK, a public health-focused approach to drug addiction-related crimes. Drug courts allow judges to send offenders to rehabilitation for treatment before sentencing and are said to help prevent future offending.
When asked by presenter Jeremy Paxman: “How do you know that these people wouldn’t have quit their drug habit anyway?” Perry was compassionate in his explanation of how the process can “interrupt” the downward spiral that leads to further criminal convictions, “rather than throwing people away”.
When Hitchins said referring to addiction as a disease was “fantasy” and a “choice”, Perry dismissed the disinformation by explaining the classification of addiction as a disease of the brain and an allergy of the body, adding: “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” and suggested Hitchins read the research and evidence available.
But his compassion and empathy for the struggle of addicts didn’t just stop with correcting myths and misinformation. Over the years, Perry sponsored other addicts in their recovery and advocated for their rights.
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CBS Photo Archive via Getty Images
Matthew Perry and the cast of Friends join James Corden for a Friends Reunion Special during The Late Late Show with James Corden.
Last year, speaking about himself, Perry said “The best thing about me, bar none, is that if somebody comes up to me and says: ‘I can’t stop drinking, can you help me?’ I can say yes and follow up and do it. That’s the best thing.
He wanted people to understand the fight people with addiction face, saying:“Your disease is outside doing one-armed push-ups just waiting for you, waiting to get you alone, because alone, you lose to the disease.”
Perry chose to be outspoken about institutions like Alcohol Anonymous, explaining; “It suggests that there’s a stigma and that we have to hide. This is not a popular opinion, by the way.”
He often put his money where his mouth was. One such example was Perry turning his $10 million Malibu mansion into a sober living facility called Perry’s House in 2012. The following year, his project received an award from the White House.
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His memoir opens with the sobering line, “Hi my name is Matthew, although you may know me by another name, my friends call me Maddie and I should be dead.”
Throughout the book, Perry details extremely frightening dances with death and addiction. Living through many near-death experiences, from an exploding colon to pancreatitis in his 30s, it wasn’t until he was faced with the possible future of living with a permanent colostomy bag that made him examined his addiction differently.
“My mind is trying to kill me and I know it,” he wrote.
Perry wanted people to understand that addiction wasn’t as simplistic as wanting to use drugs and alcohol. He wanted people to see the bigger picture when it came to addiction and for them to be receptive to suffering people’s openness.
In an interview with Diane Sawyer in 2022 for ABC News, he said, “Secrets kill you. Secrets kill people like me.
He knew that people couldn’t overcome addiction alone, and so, using his stratospheric fame from Friends he chose to speak out on what substance abuse looks like, how it tears people apart and the deep shame and stigma surrounding addiction.
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Perry’s death is a saddening blow. His parting gift to us, aside from his comedic genius and acting prowess, is his vulnerable and honest account of a life lived with addiction.
Perry has shown the world over that it’s OK to fall down, so long as you get back up — and keep on getting back up. And that to do so, you mustn’t do it alone.
If there’s one thing we all know about life, it’s that nothing is ever simple. We all make mistakes, things inevitably go wrong, so how is best to react when these issues do crop up? And how can we, as parents, help our kids navigate these tricky waters?
Caroline Leaf is a cognitive neuroscientist, mental health expert, and mum of four. She recommends something called ‘the Neurocycle’ which is essentially five steps for mind-management when things go wrong, that both parents and children can use.
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Leaf, who authored the book How to Help Your Child Clean up Their Mental Mess, explains that the Neurocycle is a five-step process that harnesses the brain’s ability to change and can help children develop their mental resilience and manage their mental health.
“A great way to explain this process to your child is by telling them that the Neurocycle is like having a superpower, one that they can use throughout their life when they feel sad, when they’re mad or upset, or even when they are happy and just want to learn something new,” Leaf tells HuffPost UK.
It’s all about transforming negative or disruptive thinking patterns into healthy thoughts and habits.
“We all have ‘messy’ minds as we manage the daily struggles of life,” she says. The Neurocycle is a way to control that “mess” and “optimise resilience with brain-boosting strategies and practices like gratitude, joy and kindness”.
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What are the steps?
1. Gather awareness
Gain a comprehensive understanding of how you’re feeling mentally and physically.
“Consider any warning signals that take shape through your behaviour, because this means your body is trying to tell you something important,” says Leaf.
2. Reflect
This bit is all about taking a step back and considering why you’re feeling the way you do.
3. Write, play or draw
Organise your thinking and reflections to gain insight.
“For adults and older kids or teens, write down your reflections. For younger children, it might make more sense to draw or play to bring subconscious feelings to light,” says the neuroscientist.
4. Recheck
Once you’ve created a clearer picture of how you’re feeling, accept the experience and think about how you can view it in a new light, so it no longer controls how you feel.
5. Active reach
This involves a thought or activity that distracts you from the negative emotions and keeps you from getting stuck with your toxic patterns.
How do I do this with my kids?
First, help your child gather awareness of how they are feeling by observing their warning signals more deeply. For example:
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“I feel worried and frustrated” = emotional warning signal.
“I have an upset tummy” = bodily sensation warning signal.
“I want to cry and not talk to anyone” = behaviour warning signal.
“I hate school” = perspective warning signal.
Now, walk them through the reflecting stage, helping them consider why they feel this way, and then write, play or draw what they feel, which will help them better understand what their warning signals are pointing to.
During this stage you can encourage them to ask themselves questions like: Why do I feel sad and frustrated? Why is my tummy sore? Why do I want to cry and not talk to anyone?
The fourth step, recheck, requires parents to encourage children “to explore their feelings and thoughts and try to find a way to make what happened to them better,” says Leaf.
So, for example, if a child is worried about a bully, you could offer them another way to look at it. Leaf suggests you could say something like: “Maybe the bully is dealing with some issues at home, or maybe someone else is bullying them.
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“All of their frightened energy is resulting in them treating you in an unkind way. That doesn’t make it right, but it may help you feel sorry for them and walk away without feeling bad about yourself.”
And lastly, active reach is a bit like taking a treatment or medicine each day to help their thinking and feelings get better.
“Help your child come up with ways they can do this when they are feeling overwhelmed or unwell,” suggests Leaf.
“This step is characterised by actions and things your child can do that are pleasant and happy, which stabilise what they have learned and anchor them in a peaceful place of acceptance.”
The last step is all about teaching children to try and look for solutions instead of getting “stuck in their emotions”, concludes the neuroscientist, which is important for building their mental resilience.
After Brexit, Covid, and now a cost of living crisis, this perhaps won’t be surprising to hear but as a nation, we’re not doing so well when it comes to happiness.
In fact, according to the LifeSearch Health, Wealth, and Happiness report, 25% of us are less happy today than we were a year ago – this level of unhappiness has not been reported in over a decade.
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It does make sense given the turmoil we’ve faced over these years but a huge reason is also the loneliness many of us have faced since the start of the pandemic. In fact, one million people are feeling lonelier now than they were pre-pandemic and according to the report, 4.2 million Brits state that they have no friends at all.
Bestie Britain
So, it’s not all bad news, one in two Brits has somebody they’d describe as their best friend with 61% of women saying they do and 50% of men. Those that have best friends on average feel significantly happier 61% than the national average of just 26% of people.
However, outside of these besties, many of us don’t have more close friends or even people we’d consider friends at-all. 36% of us wish that we were closer to our mates with half that wished they were closer admitting they’re feeling less happy than they were a year ago.
There’s no way to avoid, even as the world begins to recover from the years that have passed, the fact that our social lives took a serious hit during Covid-19 and for many of us, the world still feels strange. Additionally, last year it was reported that one in three Brits had fallen out with friends or relatives due to the pressures of the pandemic.
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All of this paints a worrying picture of our overall wellbeing as a nation at a time when being closer together is increasingly important.
How to make friends as an adult
This is something that can feel incredibly awkward, especially as an adult but if the Health, Wealth, and Happiness Report is anything to go by, a lot of us are in the same boat and looking to connect with the people around us as well as new potential friends.
Emma Walker, the Chief Growth Officer at LifeSearch who commissioned the study said: “Maybe it’s the nature of our busy lives or an impact of the pandemic lockdowns, but many Brits admit to not seeing their mates as much as they like and wish they had closer bonds.
“It may be no surprise to see in our Health, Wealth & Happiness study the correlation that the nation’s happiness is at its lowest point today in over a decade too. Making time and effort to build and nurture friendships could be the key to improving our happiness again.”
According to Self, some of the best ways to make friends as an adult are:
Find a way to meet people who share the same interests or hobbies
Try to look and be approachable as a person – put your phone away now and then!
Have a positive attitude when meeting new people
Invite somebody you met and liked in a group setting to hang out one-on-one
Consider turning your work friends into real friends
Tell people you enjoy their company!
Of course, it’s also worth nourishing the relationships that you already have by making plans, sharing new information or anecdotes about shared interests or even simply telling them that you’d like to spend time with them more often.
Most of all, know that you’re not alone in this and many people feel exactly the same way.