‘Orgasms Made Me A More Patient, Less Stressed Mum’

Posted on 05/04/2025 by Boris Clair

It was a typical weekday afternoon when Catherine S., a mother of four and part-time office clerk, decided to start taking her pleasure seriously.

“I was stressed, tired … and didn’t feel like making dinner,” she recalled. Glancing over her calendar, she felt even worse.

“It wasn’t that I didn’t love my life, because I did,” she added. “It was just becoming obvious that I needed to do something to feel a little better.”

So she started listening to spicy podcasts during her work commutes. Soon, she felt inspired to put her own erotic pleasure on her to-do list.

“My goal wasn’t to have orgasms, exactly, but I gave myself 15 minutes with my vibrator once a week, which is how I [climax] easiest,” she said.

Catherine nearly skipped her first session due to a headache. But when her phone alert sounded, she raced to her bedroom and went for it. “My headache was better after [my orgasm],” she said, “and so were my moods.”

Now, several months of weekly sessions later, she often anticipates the practice as much as her morning coffee. The most dramatic benefit, she said, came as a surprise: “Orgasms have made me a more patient, less stressed out, and more loving mum.”

Results like Catherine’s aren’t surprising to sexuality experts. While orgasms can’t alleviate all parenting-related challenges, they offer a range of advantages worth embracing.

More pleasure, less stress

Orgasms flood your system with feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, explained board-certified sexologist and sex coach Lanae St. John.

“Basically, they’re a shortcut from wired and overwhelmed to calm and content,” she said. “If stress has you clenched up like a fist, an orgasm is the unclench … the kind that makes you think, ′Why don’t I do that more often?’”

If you do up the frequency, even better. “When orgasms become a regular part of your routine, they’re not just reactive stress relief – they’re proactive emotional maintenance,” she said.

“Think of it like watering your nervous system. Don’t wait until the plant’s wilted.”

Emotional regulation and patience

It makes sense that erotic releases help Catherine feel more patient with her kids. Beyond stress relief, orgasms can guard against a short emotional fuse.

“Orgasms help regulate the central nervous system, calming you down,” said Nicolle Dirksen, a sex and couples therapist and clinic owner at Clover Counseling. “This can help you respond to parenting challenges with a calmer, cooler head.”

Improved rest from orgasms may help your emotional health, too. A study using Fitbit technology showed that women who orgasmed before bed slept longer than women who didn’t.

Given that sleep loss interferes with the parts of your brain that regulate your moods, more sleep can mean fewer angry, anxious and irritable moods.

Modelling body positivity and self-love

While your little ones obviously won’t be around for your orgasms, they can benefit from any emotional strength they facilitate.

“Kids are sponges, soaking up all of the vibes you give off — even, sometimes, those feelings you hold about yourself,” Dirksen explained.

“Prioritising your own pleasure can help reinforce positive feelings about your body, which means you can model for your children self-love and a positive relationship with your body.”

Catherine feels that her orgasmic play is bolstering her body confidence, and that her kids reap benefits. She especially appreciates that her nonbinary teen, who recently went through appearance-related bullying, will increasingly see “someone who’s unafraid to be in their body … without looking like a model”.

Improved partner connection

If you’re co-parenting with a sexual partner, shared orgasmic forays may deepen your bond, according to Dirksen.

“Regularly orgasming with a partner increases and improves intimacy and connection, two things that [tend] to decline once you become parents,” she said.

“This increased connection can help remind you that you’re teammates, something that can be super important during those tougher days of parenthood.”

Catherine and her husband often feel like “sliding doors,” she said, given their contrasting schedules.

When she told him about her orgasm sessions, they decided to plan occasional pleasure dates. “We may or may not have sex,” she said, “but we make time, even 20 minutes, to connect … where we both get to have pleasure.”

When pleasure feels out of reach

Prioritising your pleasure can be challenging while child-rearing. And your mindset can play a big role.

“Parenting often comes with a lot of guilt … especially about anything we think might be self-serving,” Dirksen explained. “Self-pleasure feels like a luxury, saved only for the perfect circumstances: enough time, privacy, energy … things parents have very little of.”

To turn that around, she suggests a reframe: “Focusing on and prioritising your kids’ needs makes you a great parent. But making time for your own needs and pleasure is also a sign of a great parent.”

And when time runs scarce, incorporate delight into the mundane. “Wear something that makes you feel sexy or listen to music that moves you while you wash the dishes or do the laundry,” she said. “Savour your morning coffee, distraction-free.”

**Giving yourself grace (and pleasure)**

Lastly, don’t stress if sex doesn’t appeal to you like it used to, which is common during baby years and for mums (and any parents) who bear the brunt of caregiving. That may change as your kids gain independence or you gain support. Regardless, there’s no sexual epitome to strive for.

For many parents, it’s challenging to “switch seamlessly between the roles of caregiver and sexual being,” according to Jillian Amodio, a licensed therapist and author. “It’s OK to be exactly where you are, to explore the ‘why’ behind these changes, and, if desired, to take steps toward reconnecting with your sensual self in a way that feels authentic to you.”

What matters most, it seems, is prioritising personal pleasure of some kind, starting with whatever mental shift it takes to get there.

“Stop treating pleasure like it’s dessert, something you get after everything else is done,” said St. John. “It’s a resource…[that] helps you function, connect and recharge. Sometimes it’s three minutes of quiet. Sometimes it’s dancing in the kitchen. Sometimes it is a quick solo sesh before bed, because you know it’ll help you sleep.”

‘My Wife Wants Me To Become A Stay-At-Home Dad. Are My Financial Terms Fair?’

Posted on 22/03/2025 by Boris Clair

In a 2020 YouGov poll, 38% of mothers and 14% of fathers said they thought having kids hurt their careers.

That can take the form of reduced hours, taking fewer opportunities, and leaving the workplace entirely, respondents shared. “All of these factors tend to lead to stagnating or lower pay,” YouGov added.

In a now-deleted Reddit post, a site user asked members of r/AITAH (Am I The A**hole Here) whether that trade-off deserved financial compensation from their spouse.

So, we spoke to divorce lawyer and CEO of OW Lawyers Michelle O’Neil about whether the demands were fair.

A father wants a share of his wife’s property in return for becoming a stay-at-home dad

The post author said his pregnant wife, who makes substantially more money than he does, told him he was expected to become a stay-at-home dad when their first child was born.

The suggestion – which had not been discussed with the father beforehand – left the poster uneasy because he didn’t like how that might play out in the event of a divorce.

When he brought this up to his wife, he suggested she offer him a share of her property as a safety net in return for the career stagnation, lack of pay, and financial insecurity the lifestyle change could expose him to.

She didn’t seem comfortable with the arrangement, leading the poster to wonder whether or not his demands were unfair.

A divorce lawyer said his demand makes sense

O’Neil said that in her decades-long career, she’s seen firsthand “how decisions like this can create significant financial disadvantages for the spouse who steps away from their career”.

“While becoming a stay-at-home parent is a deeply personal decision, it must be made with full awareness of the long-term financial risks,” she continued, “particularly in the event of a divorce.”

Additionally, the divorce lawyer calls the discussion – or lack thereof – around the change a “red flag”.

“When one spouse dictates a major life change rather than engaging in a collaborative discussion, it often signals deeper power imbalances in the relationship which lead to bigger issues,” she told HuffPost UK.

“Decisions about career sacrifices, parenting roles, and financial security should be mutual, not unilateral.”

Explaining that staying home to look after a child can lead to a loss of earning potential, a smaller pension, a lack of asset equality, and financial dependence, O’Neil said the husband’s request for equity in the home is “a smart negotiation move”.

Though not everyone can offer a share of their home to mitigate those risks, the divorce lawyer advised: “Marriage is a partnership, and both spouses’ contributions – financial and otherwise – must be valued and protected.

“If one spouse makes a career sacrifice, the financial risks should be acknowledged and mitigated before the decision is made, not after.”

Does ‘Vabbing’ Actually Make You Irresistible To Men? I Asked A Sexologist

Posted on 18/03/2025 by Boris Clair

Ever heard of vabbing? No?

Well, nor had I until this morning (how I cherish my life before then).

Turns out the phrase refers to a social media phenomenon (it would be inaccurate to call it a trend, as most people seem appalled by it) that involves wiping vaginal secretions on your pulse points. Yes, really.

In a now-deleted TikTok video, a site user said: “I swear if you vab, you will attract people, like a date, a one-night stand. Or you’ll just get free drinks all night.”

“Elle Woods should have been teaching vabbing instead of the bend and snap – it’s more effective,” the TikToker added.

It’s important to stress that the practice, which is a portmanteau of “vagina” and “dabbing”, really hasn’t taken off – it seems to be more of a point of viral outrage than an actual trend.

Still, I thought I’d speak to sexologist, therapist, and author at Passionerad Sofie Roos about whether the original controversial clip had any merit whatsoever.

And?

Kind of, but not really, the expert said.

“A study published in 2020 found that heterosexual men can smell women’s sexual arousal, and one part of that is the vaginal secretions, especially the lubrication that’s produced when [women are] turned on,” the sexologist explained.

So, there might be a real appeal in the scent – but not in the context of “vabbing,” Roos reckons.

“Research published in Science Direct 2006 finds that female pheromones are very dependent on the social context to work, so wearing vaginal secretions as a perfume in any not-so-sexually-loaded situation will most likely have a disgusting effect,” she shared.

“In my opinion… it’s better to use a good-smelling perfume of high quality” if you want to attract a date, Roos continued.

Smelling of, er, secretions is just “unhygienic” in the wrong context.

Pheromones may actually matter, though

Obviously, there’s no need to “vab.” But speaking to TIME, Noam Sobel, a professor in neurobiology and smell expert, said that our partner’s BO might have more of a say in how much we fancy them than we realise.

“The underlying theory is that you somehow select immune compatibility in a mate” through scent, he told the publication.

Still, Gary Beauchamp, president of the Monell Chemical Senses Centre, told TIME that it’s hard to work out how much, say, sweat actually influences our attraction.

“There are so many things going on with humans, in terms of how you select somebody you want to be with or get married to or have children with… isolating the odour part to it has been very, very difficult.”

It’s far safer to bet that doing something like “vabbing” is a turn-off, don’t you think?

‘She Asked Me If I Wanted To Go Half On A Baby’: People Share Their WTF Dating Moments

Posted on 16/03/2025 by Boris Clair

If there is one thing that single people can tell you, it’s that not every first date is magical. Some are actually very far from it.

Take me, for example, I once turned up to a date with somebody I thought I liked a lot, only to be told by him that he hated animals and giving to charitable causes. He also wore a t-shirt saying: “I was sober once, worst hour of my life.” It’s safe to say, we were not a match.

However, after reading through a recent Reddit thread, I’m starting to believe that my bad date was actually, by most measures, pretty good – and I got off lightly.

Posting on /r/AskReddit, i_like_maps asked: “What’s the biggest ‘wtf?!’ moment that you’ve had a on a first date?”, and the responses they received were… interesting to say the least.

One person’s hobbies were a little… too much

User Addicus commented: “We met online, chatted a bit, and decided to meet. Now, this was not a hook up situation. We both were, and clearly stated that we were, looking for a long term situation.

“She was cute, seemed smart and reasonably funny. When we got to talking about hobbies and interests, I told her I liked to read, sail, was into motorcycles and playing music. She mentioned that she ‘enjoyed live music, the theatre and the occasional Saturday night gangbang’.”

Ah. Well. Good for her?

Another person had a bananas approach to snacking

Apprehensive_Flan88 recalled: “Took me back to her place asked me if I wanted a snack brought out two fully rotten black bananas and two spoons cracked hers open and started going to town on the compost banana goo kept looking up at me like expecting me to do the same.”

Bleugh. To each their own.

One single had no time to waste when it came to babies

DatboyTeedy revealed: “First Date with a woman about 7-8 years older than me. Convo was going fine at applebees but then she asked me if wanted to go half on a baby. Then she told me her clock is ticking and she wants a kid with me. Needless to say that was the only date.”

Who doesn’t love a woman who knows what she wants?

A little criminal damage got in the way of this date

Joyofresh had quite the first date journey. They recalled: “Met a girl in a cafe, agreed to [a] drink later that week. Day came she didn’t respond. Whatever.

“Later she reached out to me again saying she lost her phone and we started dating. After a month she told me actually the day we originally agreed to a first date she was in jail for breaking into her ex’s apartment…”

I’ve heard some excuses in my time but that one is new even for me.

A third party slithered into this first date, unnoticed

Korar67 said: “Went out on a date. At the end we started making out. Something felt weird on my ear. I pulled back and saw a snake sticking out of the sleeve of her sweater. It was her pet snake. It had been in there the whole time.”

Sure! Why not!

I’m A Sex Expert — 4 Steps For Women Who Struggle To Orgasm

Posted on 11/03/2025 by Boris Clair

Getting off, the big O, la petite mort, cumming… There is a plethora of ways to describe the female orgasm and yet, many of us still aren’t quite making it to that final moment.

In fact, according to sexperts at Lovehoney, data shows that just 15% of women can orgasm during penetrative sex alone.

Additionally, 2023 research by Durex found that only 5% of women would say that they always orgasm during sex.

So, why is this?

It partially comes down to The Orgasm Gap

Of course, we know that the journey can be just as fun and enjoyable as the destination but, if we’re very honest with ourselves, not being able to orgasm can be pretty frustrating, to say the least.

The disparity between men and women having orgasms is defined as ‘the orgasm gap’.

Psychology professor Laurie Mintz wrote about this phenomenon for The Conversation and said the main reason for it “is that women are not getting the clitoral stimulation they need”.

“And cultural messages about the supremacy of intercourse feed into this. Indeed, countless films, TV shows, books and plays portray women orgasming from intercourse alone,” said Mintz.

“Popular men’s magazines also give advice on intercourse positions to bring women to orgasm. And while some of the positions do include clitoral stimulation, the message is still that intercourse is the central and most important sexual act.”

It can also be down to a health concern

If you can’t orgasm from penetrative sex or clitoral stimulation, you may have a condition called ‘Anorgasmia’.

Medical experts at Mayo Clinic explain: “Multiple factors may lead to anorgasmia. These include relationship or intimacy issues, cultural factors, physical or medical conditions, and medicines.

“Treatments can include education about sexual stimulation, sexual enhancement devices, individual or couple therapy, and medicines.”

If you are having sexual difficulties, speak to your GP or reach out to relationship experts at Relate.

Four steps you can take to reach orgasm

Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney, says: “Achieving better orgasms for women involves a combination of understanding your body, communication, and addressing both physical and emotional factors.”

Get to know your own body better with masturbation

“Ensure that you don’t overlook self-exploration and masturbation,” Knight urges.

“Spending time exploring what feels good to you, and trying different techniques such as using fingers, sex toys, lube and varying positions can help you understand your body better.”

Knight reveals that while the data at Lovehoney shows that just 15% of women can orgasm during penetrative sex alone, that number jumps to 46% when using a sex toy.

Communicate with your partner

If you have a partner, open up to them about the problems that you’re having.

Knight advises: “Openly discussing what you both like, providing guidance during sex, and engaging in mutual exploration can help with intimacy and satisfaction from orgasm.”

That sounds pretty fun, actually.

Try to relax

Trying to coax your body into an orgasm when you’re mentally at a heightened stress level probably won’t get you very far.

Instead, Knight suggests that you try relaxing with deep breathing, meditation, or yoga, being present in the moment, and building anticipation through prolonged foreplay to heighten arousal and intensify your orgasm.

Check in on your emotional wellbeing

“Emotional and relationship factors are equally important when it comes to having a satisfying sex life,” adds the sexpert.

“Building emotional intimacy with a partner, addressing unresolved conflicts, and having a positive body image through self-love and acceptance will help transform how you feel in the bedroom.”

We’re rooting for you.

Maura Higgins And Danny Jones’ Alleged Kiss Has Split Fans. But What Officially Counts As Cheating?

Posted on 05/03/2025 by Boris Clair

The Sun recently shared footage of former Love Islander Maura Higgins and ex-McFly member Danny Jones, which they claimed showed a “drunken kiss” between the pair at this year’s Brit Awards.

The clip outraged some fans, with one asking “How could he do this?”.

But some people don’t think the very blurry, pixelated clip gives a solid enough base for allegations of cheating.

Others think the fact that Maura, Danny, and Danny’s wife Georgia Horsely still follow one another on Instagram is proof the “peck” was “innocent”.

We might never know what actually went on (none of the three have spoken about the alleged incident since).

But it does raise a question we thought we’d bring to relationship expert and sexologist Sofie Roos and matchmaker Susan Trombetti ― what actually counts as cheating?

There’s more than one type of cheating

Trombetti told HuffPost UK: “There’s emotional cheating, physical cheating, and micro cheating.”

These are set by the boundaries that exist between the couple, which change from relationship to relationship.

“Micro-cheating” can involve something as small as liking a model’s Instagram pictures, Roos says.

These “grey areas” are the ones you should be more vocal about ― “while most people agree that sleeping with someone else is considered cheating, it’s often the small things you think differently about, so those are most important to talk through.”

If you’re not sure whether something like a peck crosses an unspoken line, Trombetti says: “Anytime lying and secrets are involved, that’s a good indicator there is cheating.”

“The act of intimacy counts as cheating whether it’s physical or emotional with the exception of open relationships,” she adds.

“Intimacy can be emotional or physical and that’s why emotional affairs can be devastating. It doesn’t matter if you are physical or not.”

So… was the ‘kiss’ cheating?

The intent behind the action is what matters most, both experts agree.

“Cheating is cheating as established by the boundaries you both have stated… It’s called trust,” Trombetti told us.

If your partner knows they wouldn’t like you to do what they’re doing, that’s a sign their intent isn’t to benefit the relationship.

As the matchmaker said, though, we don’t know what the rules or intent between Danny Jones and wife Georgia were, or even what really happened between the I’m A Celeb contestants.

So unless we hear otherwise from the people involved, we can’t call it cheating, even if it’s something we wouldn’t be happy with.

Sorry, But There’s No Such Thing As A Toolkit For Heartbreak

Posted on 14/02/2025 by Boris Clair

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

Recommend me a heartbreak playlist?

What’s the best food to eat when you have a broken heart?

When my last relationship ended, I absolutely bombarded Google – and my longsuffering friends – with questions like this. My life had never felt so turbulent – in the space of an evening I not only had nowhere to live but also had no idea what the coming weeks, months, years – hey, the rest of my life – were going to look like.

If that sounds overdramatic, it’s meant to.

Believe me, I was astonished – and perhaps a little embarrassed – at how in-pieces I was. I knew that breakups happened to everyone. I knew that by most standards, mine was a decent one – reasonably mutual, no terrible behaviour on either side, definitely the right thing. And I knew – I promise I knew – that a relationship was only one part of a full and interesting and joyful life. Yet I genuinely felt like I cannot and will not cope with how awful this is.

Enter the very specific questions.

It’s interesting, looking back, how much I was hoping I could gamify my way out of heartbreak. That if I followed the right ‘ten easy steps to healing a broken heart’ then I would be miraculously cured – tomorrow.

This kind of thinking probably owes a lot to self-help books. How To Win Friends and Influence People. The Power of Positive Thinking. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. The Secret. These are titles that have wormed their way into pop culture and parody, that sell in their millions even as they’re criticised for being full of pseudoscience at best and charlatanism at worst.

What they all promise is certainty – that even at the most devastating rock-bottom of your life (or perhaps the humdrum bleurghness of your life!) – you can follow a neatly-packaged process and emerge triumphant.

Don’t get me wrong, lots of things did help me navigate my heartbreak. I will always be an advocate of the walk-and-talk during times of emotional strife, and pulling on my hiking boots for a wet weekend in Yorkshire with my closest friends did soothe the soul – even if I was sobbing every five minutes. Getting extremely drunk whilst playing Catan with my new housemates also made a positive difference – at least for that evening. The following morning – not so much.

Convincing myself that I just needed to meet someone new, like now and going on an app overdrive – including drinks with three separate people in a single day – was probably a mistake. Though I like telling the story a few years on.

But the point is that none of these things was a miracle cure – not collectively and certainly not individually. Some took me backwards even as they took me forwards. The path through heartbreak is not linear.

This contrast between the desire for concrete answers and the rather messier reality of recovering from a broken heart is what inspired my debut novel, Instructions for Heartbreak. Four friends, all heartbroken in different ways, come together and create a kind of manual, writing down the lessons they’ve learned. This advice is pooled at the end of each chapter. How will post-breakup sex feel? Should you cut off all your hair? Why exactly does getting outside help?

It also inspired my accompanying Substack, where I ask writers to recommend seven things to soothe a broken heart – books among them. It’s interesting, reading these, to notice how much commonality there is. So many people recommend being by water as an opportunity to think and reflect (pun intended). Tea has come up more than once as the ultimate drink to soothe the soul – and with an important element of ceremony. But there are plenty of contrasts too, and I’ve loved learning about people’s favourite comfort reads, building a whole new heartbreak playlist and adding new films to my must-watch list.

Because moving through heartbreak might be a meander rather than a sprint, but it turns out there are myriad things out there that will make a positive difference. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all heartbreak toolkit – but there are infinite different ways you can build your own.

And really, isn’t that more comforting?

9 Dating Horror Stories That’ll Make You Spit Out Your Tea

Posted on 09/02/2025 by Boris Clair

Dating apps have been going for years now, but it seems some users still don’t quite understand what is okay – and what’s totally inappropriate – to divulge to the people they’ve swiped right on.

Case in point, one Mumsnet user recently took to the platform to share her own “horror stories” from her time on dating apps which she says have put her off “for life”.

While calling on others to share their torrid tales, the user (with the extremely relevant username: stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps) said: “I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me ‘I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day’.”

The post, which featured a whole host of other dating stories, inspired others to share their own anxiety-inducing anecdotes and all we can say is… good grief.

1. Got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips.

I kept licking my lips in the hope he’d do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me I’m going to have to see the hygienist.

– stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps

2. I had one ask how much it would cost to put a baby in me…

When told where to go, he said he was genuinely asking as believed redheaded women produced superior babies.

I had no idea where to go with that lol. What an absolute creep.

– YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt

3. He used his son’s photo who was about 27…

Turns out he was about 47 and he couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t interested. Hm I’m 23 pal.

– Packingcube

4. On a first date (and last) date with a man who asked me my nationality. When I said German, he said ‘oh yes, big feet small boobs’.

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

5. [My] Profile clearly said ‘have children, don’t want more’. Matched with a guy, chatted a bit then met for coffee. One of the first things he said was ‘is the no more children thing negotiable?’

I said ‘no, it isn’t.’ He said ‘really, even having met me now I still couldn’t persuade you to have my child’. So I said ‘well I have only met you for 10 mins, but I definitely don’t want more children with anyone.’ His response, ‘let’s have a proper date, you will be begging to have my babies before the nights out.’

Declined the offer of a proper date!!

– Everintroverte

6. He said ‘boom’ at the end of sentences. ‘I’m going into town – boom!’

Also used ‘I’m on fire’ a lot. Pity he wasn’t.

– witwatwoo

7. As I walked into the pub the first thing he said was ‘you’re actually quite pretty. We just need to sort out your hair and clothes’.

I turned around and walked out.

He had very little hair, was wearing a T-shirt that needed ironing and his profile photo must have been at least 10 years out of date!

– Smokesandeats

8. Not me but my friend went for a date with a bloke who paid for dinner with a 50% off voucher and told her it was his treat but she could only have a main course as that’s what the voucher covered.

When they walked to the car park, he asked is [sic] she wanted to get into the back seat of his car and unleash his beast – he was 56!!!

– TwistedWonder

9. I also had one guy move the time back and hour, show up with all his mates then disappear off for half an hour leaving me with his friends and returned to ask me if I wanted to go back to his.

When I said no he said he didn’t fancy me anyway and wanted to get back with his ex.

– OnlyFannys

9 Dating Experts On How To End A Bad First Date Like A Pro

Posted on 31/10/2024 by Boris Clair

You’ve gotten past the dreaded talking stage, made plans and now finally, it’s here! The first date with someone new! And it’s going well! They’re exciting, they’re amazing, they’re… actually really, really boring and oh my fucking god I need to get out of here.

Yup, we’ve all been there when a date isn’t actually all we hoped it’d crack up to be – but cutting a first date short when things aren’t clicking isn’t always easy. You’ll often consider your date’s feelings above our own and no one wants to come out with some lame excuse about your dog needing a bath.

In an era of all or nothing dating, research from Tinder revealed that singles know within 30 mins whether the spark is there or not – so how do we get out when there’s not even a flicker?

Do we just grin and bear it? Well, as Paul Brunson, Tinder’s global relationship insights expert points out: “While it can feel uncomfortable to cut a date short, prolonging it when you’re not feeling it, might actually be less considerate in the long run.”

So what’s the right way to get out? We asked dating experts for their advice and they’ve come up with a plan so perfect, you’ll never find yourself having to get a friend to phone with an ‘emergency’ again.

It’s all in the preparation

When we sent out our questions (see: call for help) to dating experts, the same idea came back time and time again – organise a first date that won’t go on too long, so that you don’t find yourself in an awkward position where you might need to cut it short.

“For first dates where you don’t know the person well, it can be helpful to mention a time constraint as a backup, such as, ‘Thursday sounds great! I do have a deadline on Friday, so don’t keep me out too late!’,” clinical psychologist Dr Sarah Bishop tells us.

Rather than organise a dinner followed by drinks for your first encounter with someone new, opt instead for something low-key.

“Simple dates like meeting for a coffee or drinks are great options,” Sylvia Linzalone, FindingTheOne.com’s relationship guru says.

“And if it’s really going terribly, you won’t have to sit around forever – just drink up and say your goodbyes.”

Time frames are also a fail-safe way to make sure you don’t end up sitting wishing you’d never said yes in the first place – our favourite came from Jamie Johnston, founder of the neurodiverse friendly dating app Mattr, who suggested: “I have an hour free before meeting a friend if you would like to catch up.”

“You have given a clear time frame and also a commitment after which means they won’t try and lengthen the time,” he points out.

And if you’re actually quite enjoying the date? Well, as Dr Melissa Cook at FunWithFeet and Sofia Gray says: “If you do enjoy their company you can always say that you can stay longer.”

OK but I failed to prepare – GET ME OUT

OK, OK, don’t panic. It sounds cliché as hell, but it’s true – honesty is in fact the best policy.

We know it’s scary, but you owe it to yourself – AND the other person.

As dating Expert at Pure, Drew Wyllie puts it: “Now, cutting a first date short requires nerves of steel and (if you don’t want to go out with a bang) a good amount of tact and empathy. The thing is, as humans we are often scared of letting people down – especially when it comes to dating and meeting new people.

“In the past within my dating life, I have stayed on the fence about not making my intentions clear and telling people that I’m not sure, and in the end this just makes the situation worse as you can lead the other person on and make them think romance is on the cards when in reality – it’s not.”

When it comes to saying ‘okay that’s enough now’, the main thing is HOW you deliver that honesty.

“If the conversation has dried up, you feel a lack of chemistry or the date simply isn’t going anywhere, it’s okay to acknowledge that. Think about how you’re feeling in the moment and don’t be afraid to share it with your date,” Dr. Lalitaa Suglani, a relationship expert for eharmony advises.

“Being polite doesn’t mean hiding your feelings. If you think it’s time to end a date, don’t make excuses or be overly apologetic. Instead, try a gentle yet straightforward approach. Say something like: ‘I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t see this going any further romantically’. This sets a clear boundary without being hurtful, your date will appreciate the honesty and it avoids leaving things in limbo.”

And while we’re on the topic of being polite, letting the other person know that you appreciate their time is also a must according to Dr. Tara (yes, from Celebs Go Dating!).

She also shared the PERFECT framework for a post-date follow-up text for if you’re not in the market for a second date:

“Whether it’s in person or via text, we need to always use empathetic communication – you can do this in three different ways.

1. You can say thank you for your time, but I don’t feel a romantic connection.

2. You can say it has been lovely to meet you but I don’t think we have any chemistry.

3. if you want to remain friends because you like them as a person, but not romantically, then you can say I had so much fun today. I did not feel any chemistry, but if you would like it would be nice if we can remain friends.”

And finally, you don’t need to be polite if the person you’re on a date with is rude as hell – we’re allowed to put our feelings first.

“The situation is a bit different if the date is going poorly because the other person is being inconsiderate—like checking their phone constantly or not being present,” intimacy expert Magda Kay reminds us.

“In that case, I believe you owe it to yourself to speak up. It’s perfectly okay to be direct and say something like, ‘I don’t feel like you’re fully present, and I don’t think either of us is enjoying this. It’s probably best to end it now.’

“Being honest in situations where the other person isn’t showing respect is important, both for giving them feedback and for standing up for yourself. It’s about learning to speak up when you’re not being treated well.”

Consider us told!

Daters, Meet “Pebbling” ― The Penguin-Based Dating Trend Social Media Loves

Posted on 18/06/2024 by Boris Clair

We’ve written before at HuffPost UK about “tolyamory,” where one or both partners silently permits the infidelity of another without ever explicitly addressing it.

We’ve covered the “orange peel” and “Dorito” dating tests, too. But what’s “pebbling” ― a penguin-inspired dating trend I keep seeing on my For You Page?

A viral TikTok from @jakeyboiarts describes it as giving “someone a bunch of something because you’re thinking about them, for example, a penguin that gives a pebble to another penguin they love.”

The video, which has earned over 640k views as of the time of writing, explained that “pebbling online is like someone who gets videos, memes, whatever, and you send them to someone.”

What’s that got to do with dating?

It doesn’t have to. Another TikTok video by autism-specialising therapist @myautistictherapist suggested that “the way [many autistic people] share love is through giving information” ― “pebbling” facts, as it were.

And that love can be for friends and family as well as partners. “A lot of the autistic people on this app are showing the world love by sharing what they know,” the therapist said; of course, the same goes for anyone else. It’s a little gift for those you love.

But seeing as the Gentoo penguin-based habit it’s based on is used for amorous avian couples, the trend has taken on a romantic hue on social media ― and the pros seem to approve.

Older forms of “pebbling,” like giving someone a gift, bringing them home a snack, or even telling them about a part of your day that made you think of them have existed for as long as love has, Psychology Today points out.

But relationship expert Gigi Engle told Metro.co.uk that the newer, online application is great for couples; “I think it’s the cutest thing ever because memes are a love language these days,” she said.

“Pebbling started with the advent of meme sending as a form of creating a connection with people… It can definitely strengthen a relationship because it’s similar to sending a message saying, ‘I saw this and thought of you,’” the romance expert added.

So… it’s always good?

As with anything else, you can have too much of a cute thing.

App user @jakeyboiarts’ TikTok references opening your phone to “hundreds” of notifications ― that might be overwhelming to some (it’s me, I’m ‘some’).

Engle also told Metro that, “Pebbling does have the potential to set an expectation of communication you’re going to have throughout your relationship, so that’s something to keep in mind.” Your partner may feel hurt if you’re unable to keep up the pebble pace for long.

And in the same article, dating expert Drew Wyllie of Pure dating app, advised that “What is deemed sweet and thoughtful for someone, may be irrelevant for someone else” and suggested pebblers “make a mental note of your partner’s likes and dislikes as well as their daily behaviours so you can make your presents more relevant.”

“Pebbling alone is not going to get you far,” Psychology Today adds, stating that the memes should be a jumping-off point for deeper connections and not your main romantic meeting point.

Still, though, if you are your beau have a sweet meme exchange going, then take it from the Gentoo gents and keep it rolling.

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