Communication | WellnessMaster

Most people these days rely on text messages as their main form of communication; for some, the thought of making a phone call is even scary. That said, since a text can’t capture one’s body language and nonverbal cues, it is easy for certain messages to come across as condescending or blatantly rude.

“Condescension isn’t just about words but making another person feel small,” said Logan Jones, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder at Clarity Therapy NYC. “Text messages feel condescending when one person assumes superiority, implies incompetence, feels dismissive or [gives] unnecessary explanations.”

We spoke with licensed mental health professionals about common text messages you may not realise are condescending ― and how not to take them personally should you be on the receiving end. Here’s what experts say:

1. “K”

We’ve all likely sent this at least once, whether it was intentionally to someone who annoyed us or when we simply didn’t feel like answering.

Bottom line: “It feels short, dismissive, and passive aggressive and implies annoyance or disinterest because it lacks any warmth and engagement,” said Lauren Palumbo, a licensed psychotherapist at Clarity Therapy NYC.

2. A thumbs-up

According to Palumbo, simply “thumbs-upping” or “liking” a text message can feel condescending in its own right, especially if you just shared a juicy or personal story and were hoping for a reaction that matches your energy.

“These types of reactions can stop conversational momentum dead in its tracks, making it clear that others aren’t interested in keeping it going, which can feel disappointing and deflating,” she said.

3. “No offence, but…”

You sometimes hear this during in-person conversation, and it goes over just as poorly via text message, according to Michele Leno, a psychologist and host at Mind Matters with Dr. Michele.

Despite the phrasing, the verbiage lets you know that someone is about to say something offensive and likely rude, too. “In such cases, being direct is less condescending,” Leno said.

4. “Google it.”

Who hasn’t texted their friends worried about a health ailment? Although mostly everything can be found on Google with a quick search, you don’t want to tell someone to “Google it” since that can come off as extremely condescending.

“Few things shut down a conversation faster than this because it’s dismissive and shows that someone’s curiosity or isn’t worth your time or energy,” Jones said.

5. “You always do this.”

It can be hard to effectively communicate through text messages, and lobbing accusatory, blanket “always” or “never” statements like this can prohibit more meaningful conversation. It’s also difficult to defend over text, according to Jones.

“This is hyperbolic, accusatory and a trap,” Jones said. “Saying something like this turns your minor frustration into painting someone as having a character flaw and trapping them in a pattern they can’t easily defend against via text.”

6. “I told you so.”

Hearing this doesn’t get easier no matter how old you are ― especially when it’s over text. It’s hard to glean any sort of care or nuance when it’s written out, so it feels more smug than anything.

“Saying ‘I told you so’ offers nothing but cheap and quick self-satisfaction at the expense of someone else’s hurt feelings,” Jones said.

7. “Yikes.”

According to Palumbo, “yikes” can feel condescending and judgmental, especially if there’s no elaboration. “It sends the message that whatever was shared was embarrassing, wrong or cringeworthy,” she said.

While some texts may have good intentions (or neutral intentions), experts say your tone may come off hurtful. However, there are ways to fix it.

How can you make text messages sound less condescending?

Very few people want to intentionally send rude or off-putting texts. If you want to communicate more effectively and not sound condescending, here are some therapist-approved tips to get you started:

Don’t make assumptions.

Leno recommended using neutral language if you’re looking to sound less condescending. “For example, ‘I’m available to help if needed’ is better than, ‘It looks like you need help.’”

Use emotive and clarifying language.

Jones suggested using more emotive and clarifying language in an attempt to make text messages come across as less condescending. “A simple ‘haha’ or ‘I see what you mean, *smiley face*’ can make a big difference,” he said.

Call them instead.

Michelle English, a licensed clinical social worker and executive clinical manager at Healthy Life Recovery, recommended engaging in more direct communication. “Give them a call or hop on a video chat to clear things up,” she said. “Direct communication is always the best way to bridge any misunderstandings.”

Plus, if you’re on a video call, you can see body language and other nonverbal cues that can help with effective communication.

At the end of the day, condescending text messages can be frustrating to navigate since they often lead us to question our own intelligence and worth.

That said, people who send condescending text messages might not realize they’re doing it. A little grace ― and some punctuation changes ― can go a long way.

Bad bosses come in all kinds of flavours –- from incompetent to just plain jerk -– but one of the most frustrating kinds of managers is the one who never seems to listen to you. Your ideas, requests and complaints are ignored or rejected. Everything you say seems to go in one ear and out the other.

At a certain point, not feeling heard can take a toll on your psyche. In a survey by the Society for Human Resource Management, 84% of U.S. workers say poorly trained people managers create a lot of unnecessary stress. The workers’ biggest recommendation on what their bosses could improve? Their communication skills.

Ideally, good bosses take the time to proactively ask what’s working and what’s not in your one-on-one meetings with them.

But when your boss is not listening to you, you have two options: either do nothing and hope your boss realises you are unhappy, or you can take actions to make yourself heard.

Jennifer Tardy, a career coach and diversity and inclusion consultant, said too often she sees employees who avoid dealing with their boss and are not comfortable talking in a direct way or in a timely manner to them.

“Employees wait too long to have the courageous conversation and now the situation has compounded,” Tardy said. “At this point, rather than have a rational, logical conversation with their manager, they explode ― often with emotion leaving the core message to get lost in.”

There are helpful steps you can take about feeling unheard long before it gets to that point.

Here’s what you can do to salvage a relationship with a boss who is not listening to you –- and when to decide enough is enough.

1. Diagnose whether they don’t listen to anyone, or just you.

Gorick Ng, a career adviser at Harvard University and the author of “The Unspoken Rules: Secrets to Starting Your Career Off Right,” said that when employees deal with bosses who are not understanding them, they may want to jump straight to quitting as the “path of fastest relief.” But one way to figure out if you can save the relationship is to take the time to understand where your boss is coming from.

“Whatever you’re dealing with, someone else has dealt with before.”

– Gorick Ng

To do that, first try talking to people who work with or used to work with your boss. “Whatever you’re dealing with, someone else has dealt with before,” Ng said.

He suggested asking questions about how your boss prefers to communicate, such as “What’s worked with this person before? Are they someone who needs to see it on paper? Are they someone who needs a nice long pro/con list? Are they someone who needs a mockup or draft? Are they someone who needs to hear it from a certain person?”

“What you’re really trying to figure out is if this is a problem that you can solve,” Ng said.

After you do this bit of research, you should have an idea what will get your boss’ attention, be it project deadlines or influential colleagues. If your manager listens to what a certain colleague says, for example, you could focus on asking that colleague to be the whisper in your boss’ ear about your ideas, Ng said.

2. When you bring it up to your boss, make sure that you have a solution in mind.

Once you diagnose your boss’ deal, you can have a conversation. But don’t simply complain. Get specific about what actions made you feel unheard, and bring solutions that could address the problem.

Tardy said you should ask yourself what specific actions your boss took that led to this. What specific actions would my boss need to take for us to remedy the challenge? That way, when you bring it up with your boss, you can be clear on their role in the problem and in the solution.

And then after you acknowledge how you felt unheard, have a solution on what could make your joint communication style better.

“Many times when we have courageous conversations, we leave it to the other party to figure out what action to take to reach the solution,” Tardy said. “The more specific you are on the action you want from your boss, the more clearly you can articulate it to them so they can take the action.”

You can bring up solutions with language such as, “Hey I know we’re trying to achieve this. I was thinking of this option or this option or this option. These are the pros and cons. My suggestion is that we might want to consider option B. What is your reaction?” Ng said.

Or, the solution can be brought up as simply as something like, ”‘Would it be helpful if I did ‘blank’?’” Ng added.

3. If talking and suggesting solutions fails, it’s time for change ― either your boss or your job.

If you’ve exhausted these options, and nothing has changed, then it’s time to consider switching it up ― perhaps out of the job altogether.

First, you can try leaving your particular manager if you still want the role.

“Change doesn’t mean leaving the company. Maybe it means leaving the manager, but staying in the department or company,” Tardy said. “Escalation means talking to your manager’s manager. Oftentimes, messages that go unheard from an employee become clearly understood by a leader.”

But if leaving your inattentive manager is not a possibility, then it really may be time to start looking for a new job where you and your ideas will be heard. And then, at this new job, you can hash out communication styles with your boss up front.

“If you make it very clear that you need to feel like your ideas are heard, and define what that looks like when it doesn’t happen, it will be easier for you to bring up three, six or 12 months into the role with the manager,” said career coach Kaitlyn Buckheit, who specializes in career transitions. “You won’t be bringing up the topic for the first time.”

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7 Text Messages You May Not Realize Are Condescending